The 121+ Best Skill Jokes

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line; the reply is the rest of the joke!

edit: Thanks guys for some hilarious jokes! Keep 'em coming. I wanted to let you know that I've messaged the mods about this thread. Maybe it could be a weekly thread? Who knows.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

My boss said my math skills are average.

That's just mean.

Thinking about starting a cooking website for chefs of all cuisines and ethnic tastes to show their skills.

Going to call it OnlyPans.

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

The greatest swordsman in the world is giving a demonstration of his skill to a crowd.

As he draws his sword, his assistant releases a single housefly. The swordsman watches the fly buzz around, waits for his moment, and strikes! ...And then the fly buzzes away again. As the crowd groans, the swordsman holds up his hand. "Look again, my friends. The fly lives, yes, but he will never b...

Luke Skywalker took a hissy fit in a restaurant. Try as he might, using Chopsticks was seemingly far beyond his fledgling Jedi skills. Embarrassing himself and causing a bit of a scene, Ben Kenobi leans over and offers some wisdom:

"Use the forks, Luke!"

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

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A woman with a skill you won't see coming

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

Interviewer: It says here you're skilled at saying unexpected things?

Me: Yes, I am.
Interviewer: Hmm, I thought you were going to say something unexpec-- oh, you're good.

Why do hospitals love skilled secretaries?

Because they’re typo-negative.

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

People are always amazed at the skilled tattoo artists in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision

What is a skill most men have but women often don't?

Using a mouse with the left hand

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

What does a rapping goat call their verbal drum skills?

Bleat boxing

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My ex wife is an esthetician w/ various skills but she mainly does massages for various men with various careers.

You could say she's a "jack off all trades"

Self depreciation is my best skill,

And I'm pretty bad at it.

Schools should teach useful things such as parenting skills to children.

Okay, that's not a good idea. Children will immediately realize that they have bad parents.

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

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Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

Why are photographers less skilled than they used to be?

They're not developing.

Three kids are discussing the smoking skills of their parents in school.

One of them says “my dad can blow the smoke through the nose” and the other two ask “wow, have you seen it?” to what he replies “yes he does it all the time”.
The second one says “well, my dad can blow the smoke through the ears”, the other too ask again “wow! Have you seen it???” to what he repl...

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

My greatest skill is humor...

Sometimes people even tell me I smell funny.

I love Rock's acting in all his movies, I wonder where he got his acting skills from...

Oh he was in WWE.

‘I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ‘ said my friend.

‘oh come on, it’s just one move at the start of the game’ I responded as I took his Knight.

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

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Masturbation is a good skill to have.

It comes in handy.

What's the most important skill that a US comedian must have?

Being able to make jokes on the fly.

With age comes skills. Its called ‘Multi Tasking’. I can

LAUGH, COUGH, SNEEZE, FART AND PEE

ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

Pulling out is a skill baesd game, while ........

Pulling out is a skill based game, while condoms are pay-to-win.

Abortion, on the other hand is a cheat code.

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[NSFW] Skilled Frog

A woman walked into a pet store one day to get some supplies. She went up to the cash register to pay for them and she saw a sign next to a small fish tank that said, "Pussy eating frogs - $50. So not to be embarrassed she whispered to the cashier, "I'll take one of those." The cashier said, "Ok, no...

I wanted to put "calligraphy" as a skill on my resume.

I decided against it since it probably looks better on paper.

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

What do you call a handyman's skill set?

His repair-toire

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Do you have any special skills?

The interviewer asked if the applicant had any special skills. The applicant responded that they had been practicing day and night to become the best masturbator.

The interviewer was flabbergasted…and not knowing what to say….said “how is that a skill that is useful”.

The applicant rep...

Competitive lumberjacking will never be a sport as it isn't a matter of skill

It just comes down to whoever has logged the most hours

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

You have to have the skill of a world class bull rider to keep up with me in bed

You only have to ride me for 8 seconds and then it’s over

Have you heard about the disease named after a baseball skill?

It's catching.

Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:

>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<

I can finally put a skill that I've honed over the years to good use in these trying times.

Social distancing.

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

My blackbelt karate teacher has honed his skill of painting high ranking military officials for years

Now he is a master of marshal arts.

What do you call a recently hired conductor who’s still learning the job skills?

A trainee

Hey, boss, my salary is not compatible with my skills!

I know that, but I can't let you starve to death

My Supervisor Suggested That I Need To Work On My People Skills

But he's dead now.

What develops great logistical skills in a man?

Having three mistresses at the same time.

This pandemic has given a whole generation the time to work on their hobbies, and become very skillful at them...

... to bad these hobbies consist mostly of drinking.

At the ceramic tile factory they have employee parties where they make the tiles stand on edge. Instead of commending the skill involved they make fun of eachother.

It is an erect tile diss function.

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...

What do you call a Greek philosopher who's skilled on the pitch?

Soccerates.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Samurai skills

A man wants to learn to use a katana (a samurai sword) so he goes to three different masters. He goes to the first one and asks “why should I let you teach me?” The samurai sees a fly flying by and slices the fly in half with his sword. So the man goes to the next samurai and asks “why should I let ...

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

I have some fine parking skills.

I was complemented on my parking at the courthouse today. Someone left a note saying parking fine.

On a scale from one to ten, my skill at boolean logic...

Is -1

I’m normally not one to brag about my financial skills

But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!

A knight was complimenting a blacksmith on his armor crafting skills

The blacksmith responded, "It is my strong suit"

When playing a game against a less skilled player, it’s considered fair to give them a handicap.

That’s why I always break my opponent’s kneecaps before a game of Monopoly

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.

(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

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People might think masturbation is a useless skill

But I find it often comes in handy.

What’s it called when a Peeping Tom is skilled in his game?

Peak Performance

What’s the most looked-for skill in Chinese office jobs?

Taiping

Genghis Khan once had the hands of an entire village of superb bowmen maimed so their skills could never be used against him. Similarly, he crippled a conquered town of excellent sprinters

For the town, it was a crushing de feet

Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%

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A group of fighters from the Roman Colosseum were hired out to rich Romans as prostitutes. One so impressed an influential Roman noble with his oral skills that she began to work on getting him freed.

In the end he was gladiator.

What do you call someone with mediocre detonation skills?

An OK Boomer

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

Have you heard about the dyslexic who was working too hard on his imagination skills?

He ended up in Santa Fe.

In Greek mythology, Chiron was known for his knowledge and skill with medicine

One could even call him the Centaur for Disease Control.

He was a big believer in herd immunity.

Some rabbits may be dumb, but they have math skills

They're really good at multiplying.

Sam had amazing vocal skills, but was in doubt of them all the time. He got himself to sign up to a Talent Show for the first time. And finally in front of all the people

Samsung

My Sewing skills aren't up to scratch...

Whoops! Wrong thread.

A Turk, a Frenchman and an Englishman were traveling by train.

When it got hot in their room in the train, the Frenchman opened the window and a fly flew in.

To show his skill, the Frenchman drew his sword and hit the fly with one blow and it split in two. While the others looked on in amazement, the Frenchman took his business card out of his pocket and...

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

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Being able to will yourself to an orgasm would be a pretty useful skill.

Come to think of it.

Why do engineers have to practice their social skills?

So they don't forget either of them.

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A group of highly skilled doctors meet at an international medical conference to boast of their greatest achievements

The Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, our medicine is so advanced that we are able to chop off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in only 6 weeks he is up and looking for work!"

The German doctor snorts and says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we can take out a bit of man's brain, pu...

15 year old sis of mine tried to show off her photoshop skills

I said it's just a minor editing

On job applications I put “Can pee with morning wood” under skills.

When the employer asks me why I just say “Well because it’s kind of hard”

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

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Jesus and Satan had been arguing constantly about who had better computer skills...

They had been yelling and screaming at each other for months.

Finally God grew tired of the arguing and he said, "Let's see who can code the best program in only one hour." He snapped, the world went blank, and there was nothing but two computers and two desks side by side. Satan and Jesus sa...

A girl was practicing her singing skills when her mum told her...

Mum: “I wish you were on TV”
Daughter: “thanks mom... am I that good?”
Mum: “no I’d just be able to turn your voice down”

Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...

My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp

But now I own a warehouse

Today, my dad complimented me on my parking skills

I’m still shaking

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

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What do you call a guy who is skilled in the art of oral sex?

A cunnilinguist.

How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?

There, their, they're.

What do you call an Alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?

A dialogator

My wife berated me last night about my conversational skills...

"Have you even listened to anything I said??" is a very odd start to a conversation.

Three men of various skill go hunting

After setting up camp, the most professional of the three proclaimed "I'm going to come back with a bear!" After a few hours, he comes back with a bear.

"How'd you do it?" The other two asked, and he replied "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I shot the bear."

Well, the a...

What do you call a bear with martial arts skills?

Grizz Lee.

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.

If life was a RPG and inbreeding was a skill set

The royal family would be at the top of the tier

What do you call a green onion with mad rhyme skills?

A Rapscallion

I wanted to impress my friends so I learned how to improve my guitar skills.

Even though I considered it as A Major task, I could only C Minor improvement.

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I am like the Bruce lee of sex. No I am not amazingly handsome and highly skilled and charismatic,

but I will knock the wind out of your body with my 1 inch punch.

Whenever asked about my culinary skills I always say I'm great at all kinds of cooking

Overcooking, undercooking...

The eagle was a bird of many skills.

One could say he was very talon-ted.

What's a magician skilled in the art of hickeys called?

A Neck Romancer

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I had to follow a soft skills course “How to give constructive criticism”.

It was total shit.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Interviewer: "Under skills, you listed "great dad" ."

Job applicant: "The best !"

Interviewer: "i haven't seen you in years. i'm not hiring you."

Job applicant: "Please, i need the money, son."

What do you call someone with amazing equestrian skills?

A Stable Genius.

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What do you call a horny, skilled fisherman?

A master baiter

A boy learns some woodworking skills on Reddit. He wants to impress his dad with his new skills so he builds him a gate for his yard with beautiful fenceposts. The dad says son, this is great but...

There used to be a gate in this exact spot, so this is just a repost.

"But Dad, I came in second!" I cried, as he continued to belittle my athletic skills.

That's the last time I let him watch me box.

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Tom was famous with his amazing drawing skills.

One day he drew a $100 bill on the desk of his teacher. Once the lady entered to the class immediately noticed that and started tearing it. After 10 min she ended up breaking her acrylic nails.

"Tom, get the hell outta here! I need your father right away" yelled the teacher.

30 min la...

What did Dracula tell his son while teaching him survival skills

"You suck."

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

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