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Skill Jokes

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line; the reply is the rest of the joke!

edit: Thanks guys for some hilarious jokes! Keep 'em coming. I wanted to let you know that I've messaged the mods about this thread. Maybe it could be a weekly thread? Who knows.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

Has anyone's gardening skills improved during the quarantine?

I planted myself on the couch in August and have grown significantly since.

My boss said my math skills are average.

That's just mean.

Why do hospitals love skilled secretaries?

Because they’re typo-negative.

Interviewer: It says here you're skilled at saying unexpected things?

Me: Yes, I am.
Interviewer: Hmm, I thought you were going to say something unexpec-- oh, you're good.

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

The greatest swordsman in the world is giving a demonstration of his skill to a crowd.

As he draws his sword, his assistant releases a single housefly. The swordsman watches the fly buzz around, waits for his moment, and strikes! ...And then the fly buzzes away again. As the crowd groans, the swordsman holds up his hand. "Look again, my friends. The fly lives, yes, but he will never b...

Thinking about starting a cooking website for chefs of all cuisines and ethnic tastes to show their skills.

Going to call it OnlyPans.

Self depreciation is my best skill,

And I'm pretty bad at it.

People are always amazed at the skilled tattoo artists in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision

I prayed to god to have the best chess skills in the world

Checkmate atheists

What does a rapping goat call their verbal drum skills?

Bleat boxing

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[NSFW] Skilled Frog

A woman walked into a pet store one day to get some supplies. She went up to the cash register to pay for them and she saw a sign next to a small fish tank that said, "Pussy eating frogs - $50. So not to be embarrassed she whispered to the cashier, "I'll take one of those." The cashier said, "Ok, no...

What is a skill most men have but women often don't?

Using a mouse with the left hand

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A woman with a skill you won't see coming

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

My greatest skill is humor...

Sometimes people even tell me I smell funny.

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

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Masturbation is a good skill to have.

It comes in handy.

Samurai skills

A man wants to learn to use a katana (a samurai sword) so he goes to three different masters. He goes to the first one and asks “why should I let you teach me?” The samurai sees a fly flying by and slices the fly in half with his sword. So the man goes to the next samurai and asks “why should I let ...

Schools should teach useful things such as parenting skills to children.

Okay, that's not a good idea. Children will immediately realize that they have bad parents.

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Do you have any special skills?

The interviewer asked if the applicant had any special skills. The applicant responded that they had been practicing day and night to become the best masturbator.

The interviewer was flabbergasted…and not knowing what to say….said “how is that a skill that is useful”.

The applicant rep...

Why are photographers less skilled than they used to be?

They're not developing.

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. Being a good shot, no one could argue with him.

But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole, he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal.

He said that he was willing to prove it if they would pay for the drinks a...

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

Three kids are discussing the smoking skills of their parents in school.

One of them says “my dad can blow the smoke through the nose” and the other two ask “wow, have you seen it?” to what he replies “yes he does it all the time”.
The second one says “well, my dad can blow the smoke through the ears”, the other too ask again “wow! Have you seen it???” to what he repl...

What do you call a handyman's skill set?

His repair-toire

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

Pulling out is a skill baesd game, while ........

Pulling out is a skill based game, while condoms are pay-to-win.

Abortion, on the other hand is a cheat code.

With age comes skills. Its called ‘Multi Tasking’. I can

LAUGH, COUGH, SNEEZE, FART AND PEE

ALL AT THE SAME TIME!

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

If you date a woman only for her massage skills...

Would it be considered massagenistic?

Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:

>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

I have some fine parking skills.

I was complemented on my parking at the courthouse today. Someone left a note saying parking fine.

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My ex wife is an esthetician w/ various skills but she mainly does massages for various men with various careers.

You could say she's a "jack off all trades"

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...

I wanted to put "calligraphy" as a skill on my resume.

I decided against it since it probably looks better on paper.

What develops great logistical skills in a man?

Having three mistresses at the same time.

What's the most important skill that a US comedian must have?

Being able to make jokes on the fly.

Today in kindergarten I taught my kids a cool skill for reddit

Today they learned how to cut and paste

Hey, boss, my salary is not compatible with my skills!

I know that, but I can't let you starve to death

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People might think masturbation is a useless skill

But I find it often comes in handy.

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide & Happiness)

I love Rock's acting in all his movies, I wonder where he got his acting skills from...

Oh he was in WWE.

Two Brothers Move to the City

There were two brothers who lived in the country.

One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs.

The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out ...

Competitive lumberjacking will never be a sport as it isn't a matter of skill

It just comes down to whoever has logged the most hours

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Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.





(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

My Supervisor Suggested That I Need To Work On My People Skills

But he's dead now.

A knight was complimenting a blacksmith on his armor crafting skills

The blacksmith responded, "It is my strong suit"

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

My Sewing skills aren't up to scratch...

Whoops! Wrong thread.

What do you call someone with mediocre detonation skills?

An OK Boomer

Relay runners are really skilled.

You gotta hand it to them.

What do you call a Greek philosopher who's skilled on the pitch?

Soccerates.

What’s the most looked-for skill in Chinese office jobs?

Taiping

Some rabbits may be dumb, but they have math skills

They're really good at multiplying.

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

Luke Skywalker took a hissy fit in a restaurant. Try as he might, using Chopsticks was seemingly far beyond his fledgling Jedi skills. Embarrassing himself and causing a bit of a scene, Ben Kenobi leans over and offers some wisdom:

"Use the forks, Luke!"

Why do engineers have to practice their social skills?

So they don't forget either of them.

Johnny's math skills

The village priest pays a visit to the local primary school. After introducing himself and his church, he also wants to see how much the kids have learnt already and asks little Johnny: "So Johnny, if you have 8 appples and you give me 4, how many apples do you have left?" "4, Sir", little Johnny re...

Three men of various skill go hunting

After setting up camp, the most professional of the three proclaimed "I'm going to come back with a bear!" After a few hours, he comes back with a bear.

"How'd you do it?" The other two asked, and he replied "I found the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I shot the bear."

Well, the a...

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

My blackbelt karate teacher has honed his skill of painting high ranking military officials for years

Now he is a master of marshal arts.

‘I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ‘ said my friend.

‘oh come on, it’s just one move at the start of the game’ I responded as I took his Knight.

Today, my dad complimented me on my parking skills

I’m still shaking

A guy wanted to show me his Bird imitation skills but I refused

So he flew away

What do you call a recently hired conductor who’s still learning the job skills?

A trainee

How do you console somebody with bad grammar skills?

There, their, they're.

Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%

What’s it called when a Peeping Tom is skilled in his game?

Peak Performance

You have to have the skill of a world class bull rider to keep up with me in bed

You only have to ride me for 8 seconds and then it’s over

My poor reading skills ruined my future as a pimp

But now I own a warehouse

In Greek mythology, Chiron was known for his knowledge and skill with medicine

One could even call him the Centaur for Disease Control.

He was a big believer in herd immunity.

The eagle was a bird of many skills.

One could say he was very talon-ted.

My wife berated me last night about my conversational skills...

"Have you even listened to anything I said??" is a very odd start to a conversation.

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

What's a jewish dota 2 player's favorite skill?

shekel shot

What do you call a bear with martial arts skills?

Grizz Lee.

^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.

I can finally put a skill that I've honed over the years to good use in these trying times.

Social distancing.

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What do you call a horny, skilled fisherman?

A master baiter

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

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Tattoo

A man wanted to get a tattoo. The only issue was, the tattoo was an devilishly intricate design. He went to his local tattoo parlor, only to get turned away as the artist was not skilled enough. He tried again in a busy parlor in the middle of a nearby city, only to be told it was too difficult once...

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

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Tom was famous with his amazing drawing skills.

One day he drew a $100 bill on the desk of his teacher. Once the lady entered to the class immediately noticed that and started tearing it. After 10 min she ended up breaking her acrylic nails.

"Tom, get the hell outta here! I need your father right away" yelled the teacher.

30 min la...

Doctor Frankenstein created life, via great skill with a surgeon's knife. Igor loved to say, an easier way,

Would have been knocking boots with his wife.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

From my handwriting identification skills.

I have carefully deduced that Santa is my secret Valentine every year.

A girl was practicing her singing skills when her mum told her...

Mum: “I wish you were on TV”
Daughter: “thanks mom... am I that good?”
Mum: “no I’d just be able to turn your voice down”

On job applications I put “Can pee with morning wood” under skills.

When the employer asks me why I just say “Well because it’s kind of hard”

My statistic skills are mediocre at best

And average at worst

What do you call someone with amazing equestrian skills?

A Stable Genius.

If life was a RPG and inbreeding was a skill set

The royal family would be at the top of the tier

I would rate my skill at psychic abilitys...

medium.

15 year old sis of mine tried to show off her photoshop skills

I said it's just a minor editing

What's a magician skilled in the art of hickeys called?

A Neck Romancer

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Jesus and Satan had been arguing constantly about who had better computer skills...

They had been yelling and screaming at each other for months.

Finally God grew tired of the arguing and he said, "Let's see who can code the best program in only one hour." He snapped, the world went blank, and there was nothing but two computers and two desks side by side. Satan and Jesus sa...

Have you heard about the dyslexic who was working too hard on his imagination skills?

He ended up in Santa Fe.

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

What do you call a green onion with mad rhyme skills?

A Rapscallion

What do you call an Alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?

A dialogator

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Being able to will yourself to an orgasm would be a pretty useful skill.

Come to think of it.

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

This pandemic has given a whole generation the time to work on their hobbies, and become very skillful at them...

... to bad these hobbies consist mostly of drinking.

I have conversational ninja skills...

People don't notice when I'm talking.

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

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Three prostitutes are sitting at a bar

Over a well deserved the drink the 3 discuss their skills and attributes.

The first explains that she is so accommodating she can fit a whole fist inside of her and proceeds to give a demonstration.

The second unimpressed states that she can fit two fists, elbow deep. After some stretc...

When playing a game against a less skilled player, it’s considered fair to give them a handicap.

That’s why I always break my opponent’s kneecaps before a game of Monopoly

Todd was dirt broke, no skills, and not the brightest bulb in the light-shop.

And to make it worse, his mom was always on his case about getting out and making something of himself. One day, sick of her nagging, he answered a help wanted ad.

“So you think you have what it takes to be a Repo man, Todd?” the interviewer asked.

“Sure, man. I got this.”

But T...

Obi Wan Kenobi decides he wants a change of pace so decides to put his skills into becoming a marriage councillor.

One day a familiar face pops in, Luke Skywalker. Luke sits down an immediately bursts into tears as his new wife is absolutely awful. For three hours Luke talks, almost non stop, about all the horrible things she does to him - putting green milk in his cereal, signing him up to the Jar-Jar fanclub, ...

What did Dracula tell his son while teaching him survival skills

"You suck."

My door to door fruit delivery business failed badly because of my poor people skills.

I was driving people bananas.

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What do you call a guy who is skilled in the art of oral sex?

A cunnilinguist.

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