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I got in trouble because of a commercial

I went to the store because I needed some milk. I got my milk, a pizza, french fries and a candy bar. I went to the self checkout , paid for my milk and started to leave.

A cashier stopped me and told me I hadn't paid for all my stuff.

I calmly pulled out my insurance card and told he...

When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...

That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.

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A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

Soon commercial airlines will have pilotless flights with only 1 man and a dog on the flight deck

The man is there to feed the dog.

The dog is there to make sure the Man doesn’t touch anything.

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

Did you know Navy ships run on commercial batteries?

They run on 7 C's

An old school practical joke that may work today...

My dad always tells me about a practical joke played on an assistant in a big office setting when he was younger.

The assistant was the guy with the least experience and was in charge of answering the phone. He was not known as someone who was particularly bright.

My dad called posing...

Mr Wilson sold nails and wanted to be the biggest nail dealer in the world so he decided to make a commercial

He hired an ad firm to make the commercial. He looks at The first ad and its Jesus being nailed to the cross, when the camera closes in, the nails say Wilson. He says "no,no,no" I'm trying to make business not lose it.
The ad exec say sorry about that, I know what you want I'll be back tomorrow...

Andre the Giant takes a commercial flight

The Giant is seated in a bulkhead seat for extra space. It’s still a tight fit for this behemoth of a man. He starts to take apart the armrest between his seat and the one next to him in hopes of creating a bit more space before takeoff. A flight attendant approached him asking if she could get h...

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If porn had commercials

Dont bust your nut we will be back after a short break

Murphy’s Nails

Two brothers start up a company that manufactures nails, one is in charge of sales and the other marketing. They needed a commercial, so the one in charge of marketing got to work.

A few weeks later he excitedly shows the footage to his brother. It starts with a wide shot of a mob of people ...

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Why did the company use chromosomes in their commercial?

Because sex cells!

What's the difference between a woman and a tiger entering a commercial center?

The woman is shopping in the mall and the tiger is mauling in the shops.

What's the difference between a war drone and a commercial plane?

I dunno man, I just operate the missiles

I Just Got Cast In A Commercial!

I'm the "before" picture

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home."

So he up and moved

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A man is watching the news one day

There is a commercial advertising a weight loss company. It says that you can lose anywhere from 5 pounds to 50 pounds in increments of five and it only cost $10. They said they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee and if you aren’t satisfied you can have a refund.

The man believes that this is...

3 small boys walk into a pharmacy ...

3 small boys walk into a pharmacy and wait in line. When they get to the front, the pharmacist asks "What can I do for you boys?"

One of the boys reaches up on the counter, drops a handful of change, and says, "We want some kotex."

The pharmacist is curious so he asks, "Are these ...

If you're getting on a commercial airliner,

for safety's sake, bring a bomb with you...

because the overwhelming odds are there won't be two guys on the same plane with a bomb.

I saw a commercial for a new horror movie featuring a clown...

...And said to myself "that's IT?"

"Who said February was a commercial break?"

2020 had us in the first month, ngl.

My pops asked me what my favorite commercial. I looked at him and said,

It’s a tie, Dad.

UGH I was just forced to watch a stupid commercial about something called a Snuggie...

I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.

When commercials are selling anti-depressants and say that a side effect could be death,

Are depressed people like "it's a win if I die and a win if I dont?"

According to commercials, women are like Picasso.

They have a blue period.

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

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In honor of one of the Super Bowl commercials...

So a guy goes to the doctor because his penis is bright orange.

The doctor examines him and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. Are you under a lot of stress at work?"

The guy says, "No."

The doctor says, "If you don't mind my asking, what do you do for a living?"<...

Perfume commercials make no sense

They have no relation to the program or chanel

Smoky Bear: Only YOU can prevent wildfires!

Two guys are talking about TV commercials. One of them says, “So, I saw this commercial the other day where a bear dressed as park ranger said that only I could prevent wildfires.”

The other guy replies, “Why, that two-timing liar! The other day he told me that _I_ was the only one who coul...

The guy who built my bicycle wheels also does commercials for the shop.

He's a spokesperson.

A lot of people are upset about that Gillette commercial

I guess it wasn't made for people with sensitive skin.

A Lysol commercial said I should disinfect the thing I touch the most.

I think this is gonna burn.

Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all

In space no one can hear you scream

DJ Khaled was featured in a Weight Watchers commercial for losing weight...

...He must have stopped eating out...

A death toll too high to imagine

On September 29th 2006 President George W. Bush receives a briefing from one of his staff

"Mr. President, we've just received reports of a commercial plane crash in south America, 154 Brazilian people died."

"Oh my God, that's terrible..." The president replies solemnly, thinking quiet...

In a very large commercial building there were three stores owned and run by three different businessmen.

The businessman who had his store at one end of the building put up a sign that read "Year End Clearance Sale".

At the far end of the building, not to be outdone, the other businessman put up a sign that read "Closing Out Sale".

The businessman who ran the store in the middle got nervo...

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

A Hanes commercial came on while I was watching T.V. with my daughter. She turned and said, "oh please Dad, don't act like you never wore tighty whities...

I responded, "Yes, there was a brief period."

One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.

That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “our prices are Sofa King low!”

There is only one thing more annoying than the 877-kars-4-kids commercials....

Any Patriots fan this morning.

What I hate about commercials

I hate how they abruptly cut o

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Wouldn't it be weird to see your friends star in commercials?

Frank was watching TV one night and saw his good friend Bob starring in a Viagra commercial. Frank thought Bob and him were pretty close, so he was surprised he hadn't heard about this before.

He calls to his wife in the other room and says, "Hey Susan, did you know Bob is in a Viagra commerc...

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What do you call a male commercial sex worker?

A prostatute.

What do you call it when a person sees a Christmas-themed commercial and then goes on a rant about the over-commercialization of the holiday?

An Ad Vent!

I hate watching Showtime because they are always showing commercials for their own shows.

It’s just Shameless plug after Shameless plug.

As a commercial real estate agent, I especially enjoy showing of the shopping centers...

Cause once you've seen one, you've seen a Mall!

My father was a commercial miner his whole life, but he only mined silver and gold. On his deathbed, I asked him what his favorite metal to mine was... he said

“Either ore.”

Why did the actor in the prescription drug commercial cross the road?

To get to the other side effects.

So I'm sitting there watching TV with my dad when commercials come on.

T.V.: *"Taco Bell's taco 12-pack says, 'my 11 friends and I are set..."*

Me: "HA! More like I'M set."

Dad: "I know, right? You don't even have 11 friends."

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A pilot on a commercial flight is giving his usual landing spiel...

... "we are expected to arrive at 7:00PM, the temperature on the ground is 12 degrees, thank you for flying" etc etc.

After he’s done, though, he forgets to turn the comms switch off. His co-pilot sighs and say to him, ‘so what are you up to tonight then?’

The pilot replies: “well firs...

What's a commercial fisherman's favorite instrument?

Castanets!

I read the new iPhone was a commercial failure.

This surprised me, because I thought it was going to be a 6S.

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

Why is it appropriate that the Rolling Stones let their song “Start Me Up” be used for a Windows 95 commercial?

Because it contains the lyrics “You’d make a grown man cry.”

The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?

My kids don't beg for toys and I realized it's because they never get to see commercials

Because they're locked in a cage

All those car commercials that say "real people, not actors"

I agree, actors aren't real people.

Why couldn't the monk who flew a helicopter understand the monk who flew commercial jets?

Because he was on a higher plane.

I became a commercial pilot to overcome my greatest fear.

Dying alone.

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I told my gf to give me a blowjob like that Tootsie pop commercial, "How many licks to the center of a Tootsie pop?"

I'm currently being rushed to the hospital and as of now the world may never know.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind.

Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

(Credit to Mitch Hedberg)

My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV

Man... I love Netflix!

Comcast's newest commercial really gave me a laugh.

They boasted their fast internet speeds, lower prices, and amazing customer service. Not to mention how they boasted supporting net neutrality.

Are there two companies named Comcast?

Dolphins shouldn't be commercially used for entertainment.

Because it's not their porpoise.

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What do you get when you combine shitty, old commercials with audio files?

Aflac

The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be...

'AFKBRB'

If Trump gets his wall he should do a State Farm commercial

Like a good neighbour stay over there

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One day at a busy airport

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is ...

Two Hillbillies are sitting outside the local store gossiping...

The first one says, "Welp, yesterdee muh wife got rear ended on the highway by one of them beer trucks."

The second says, "Shoot. They git 'er good?"

First one says, "Yup. Smashed in 'er backside real good."

The second one says, "What company was it?"

First one says, "Oh ...

Why do commercial fishermen use nets?

With only a rod you lose a fish in sea.

Commercials that never made it to air

Here's my entry:

"Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault and has ruined your life? Next time, use Durex".

Growing up in Canada, Taco Bell commercials were surprisingly different.

At the end of each ad, they sang: "Make a run...for the border. And then the next border."

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial?

"If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers...."

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An 80 year old couple is watching Jeopardy when a Viagra commercial comes on...

The husband says with a smile, "You know what, Edith? I'm gonna go to the doctors office tomorrow and get some of that Viagra."

Edith says, "Well you better make an appointment for me too."

Her husband replies, "Naw honey, I'm the only one who has to take the stuff."
Edith says, ...

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