There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”

the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

I Just Got Cast In A Commercial!

I'm the "before" picture

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expres...

TIL why Liberty Mutual's commercials are so bad

They only pay for what they need!

I should've realized that before just now...

What's the difference between a woman and a tiger entering a commercial center?

The woman is shopping in the mall and the tiger is mauling in the shops.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

What's the difference between a war drone and a commercial plane?

I dunno man, I just operate the missiles

Have you guys seen that peloton commercial where the wife is super stoked to get an exercise bike for Christmas?

Also, does anybody have a couch I could crash on for a few days?

"Who said February was a commercial break?"

2020 had us in the first month, ngl.

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

When commercials are selling anti-depressants and say that a side effect could be death,

Are depressed people like "it's a win if I die and a win if I dont?"

I really laugh at all the commercials that companies show me when I'm online. Makes me want to drive over there and tell them in person that they're wasting their money.

Good thing I saved 15% on car insurance.

Perfume commercials make no sense

They have no relation to the program or chanel

If you're getting on a commercial airliner,

for safety's sake, bring a bomb with you...

because the overwhelming odds are there won't be two guys on the same plane with a bomb.

I saw a commercial for a new horror movie featuring a clown...

...And said to myself "that's IT?"

I've been hired for a commercial for a gym chain.

I'll be the before-model.

Turkish joke translated in english

a day in a commercial flight, one british vampire, one french vampire and vampire temel (classic turkish funny character) are traveling.

after a while british vampire get thirsty, morph himself into a bat and flies away for few minutes and comes back with a bloody face.
french and temel as...

According to commercials, women are like Picasso.

They have a blue period.

The guy who built my bicycle wheels also does commercials for the shop.

He's a spokesperson.

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

A lot of people are upset about that Gillette commercial

I guess it wasn't made for people with sensitive skin.

Delta airlines is probably chomping at the bit to get into the commercial space travel industry

After all

In space no one can hear you scream

There is only one thing more annoying than the 877-kars-4-kids commercials....

Any Patriots fan this morning.

In a very large commercial building there were three stores owned and run by three different businessmen.

The businessman who had his store at one end of the building put up a sign that read "Year End Clearance Sale".

At the far end of the building, not to be outdone, the other businessman put up a sign that read "Closing Out Sale".

The businessman who ran the store in the middle got nervo...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

My pops asked me what my favorite commercial. I looked at him and said,

It’s a tie, Dad.

My uncle is an idiot. He saw a commercial that said, "9 out of 10 accidents happen within a mile of your home."

So he up and moved

DJ Khaled was featured in a Weight Watchers commercial for losing weight...

...He must have stopped eating out...

What do you call it when a person sees a Christmas-themed commercial and then goes on a rant about the over-commercialization of the holiday?

An Ad Vent!

I hate watching Showtime because they are always showing commercials for their own shows.

It’s just Shameless plug after Shameless plug.

As a commercial real estate agent, I especially enjoy showing of the shopping centers...

Cause once you've seen one, you've seen a Mall!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wouldn't it be weird to see your friends star in commercials?

Frank was watching TV one night and saw his good friend Bob starring in a Viagra commercial. Frank thought Bob and him were pretty close, so he was surprised he hadn't heard about this before.

He calls to his wife in the other room and says, "Hey Susan, did you know Bob is in a Viagra commerc...

A Lysol commercial said I should disinfect the thing I touch the most.

I think this is gonna burn.

UGH I was just forced to watch a stupid commercial about something called a Snuggie...

I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.

Why did the actor in the prescription drug commercial cross the road?

To get to the other side effects.

What I hate about commercials

I hate how they abruptly cut o

So I'm sitting there watching TV with my dad when commercials come on.

T.V.: *"Taco Bell's taco 12-pack says, 'my 11 friends and I are set..."*

Me: "HA! More like I'M set."

Dad: "I know, right? You don't even have 11 friends."

Guaranteed way to get through the covid19 quarantine and barely notice or remember it.

Tune to any local tv station and take a shot every time a commercial says “uncertain times”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a male commercial sex worker?

A prostatute.

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

My father was a commercial miner his whole life, but he only mined silver and gold. On his deathbed, I asked him what his favorite metal to mine was... he said

“Either ore.”

Why is it appropriate that the Rolling Stones let their song “Start Me Up” be used for a Windows 95 commercial?

Because it contains the lyrics “You’d make a grown man cry.”

Dolphins shouldn't be commercially used for entertainment.

Because it's not their porpoise.

A Hanes commercial came on while I was watching T.V. with my daughter. She turned and said, "oh please Dad, don't act like you never wore tighty whities...

I responded, "Yes, there was a brief period."

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Why was there a gamete in the commercial on TV?

Because sex cells

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I told my gf to give me a blowjob like that Tootsie pop commercial, "How many licks to the center of a Tootsie pop?"

I'm currently being rushed to the hospital and as of now the world may never know.

I became a commercial pilot to overcome my greatest fear.

Dying alone.

All those car commercials that say "real people, not actors"

I agree, actors aren't real people.

My favorite corny joke ever.

There were 3 aliens that just moved to Earth. None of them knew any English. One day they decided to take up different activities to learn the language.
One alien took a singing class and learned "me, me ,me ,meeee!"
The second alien took a cooking class and learned "Forks and knives, Forks an...

What's a commercial fisherman's favorite instrument?

Castanets!

The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?

Comcast's newest commercial really gave me a laugh.

They boasted their fast internet speeds, lower prices, and amazing customer service. Not to mention how they boasted supporting net neutrality.

Are there two companies named Comcast?

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A pilot on a commercial flight is giving his usual landing spiel...

... "we are expected to arrive at 7:00PM, the temperature on the ground is 12 degrees, thank you for flying" etc etc.

After he’s done, though, he forgets to turn the comms switch off. His co-pilot sighs and say to him, ‘so what are you up to tonight then?’

The pilot replies: “well firs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you combine shitty, old commercials with audio files?

Aflac

My kids don't beg for toys and I realized it's because they never get to see commercials

Because they're locked in a cage

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind.

Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

(Credit to Mitch Hedberg)

I read the new iPhone was a commercial failure.

This surprised me, because I thought it was going to be a 6S.

If Trump gets his wall he should do a State Farm commercial

Like a good neighbour stay over there

My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV

Man... I love Netflix!

Why couldn't the monk who flew a helicopter understand the monk who flew commercial jets?

Because he was on a higher plane.

The Kool-Aid man use to be a broadway actor

He had to turn to commercials after learning he had the inability to stop himself from breaking the fourth wall.

The first self driving commercial cars license plate should be...

'AFKBRB'

I'd like to think that my girlfriend and I have a relationship that is above being forced to buy simple gifts as part of a made up holiday that exploits working class people through the commercialism of enormous corporations

But I'd also like to get laid tomorrow night, so Walgreens after work it is.

Growing up in Canada, Taco Bell commercials were surprisingly different.

At the end of each ad, they sang: "Make a run...for the border. And then the next border."

Commercials that never made it to air

Here's my entry:

"Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault and has ruined your life? Next time, use Durex".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old one from good will hunting. (Slightly NSFW)

I love this movie. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it on Netflix.

So Will tells this joke during therapy:

A pilot is flying a commercial Airline plane. He says his whole “we’ll be cruising at 30K feet” thing, but when he finishes, he forgets to turn the mic off.
He turns to the co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My diet pills weren't working, so I asked for a refund

I was denied, and was emailed a transcript of the TV commercial:

Butt weight, there's more!

Mastercard Chinese Resturant Commercial

General Tso's Chicken........ $11.50

Coca-Cola........ $1.99

Take out guy forgets container........ Riceless

Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial?

"If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers...."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] a blind joke.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is...

Four brothers moved to America, planning to learn English through immersion.

The first brother decided to learn by listening to the radio. He started on a classical/opera station and learned to sing, "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” The second brother jumped right in by getting a job at a restarunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The third brother, following t...

I love the smell of abandoned commercial manufacturing plants.

I find it to be a pleasant old factory experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blonde pilots...

On their first commercial flight together two blonde pilots, best friends for years, are finally flying together after years of being co-pilots for more experienced captains. The cockpit was finally *theirs*.

The flight goes very smoothly and they congratulate each other as they are coming in...

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes...

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An 80 year old couple is watching Jeopardy when a Viagra commercial comes on...

The husband says with a smile, "You know what, Edith? I'm gonna go to the doctors office tomorrow and get some of that Viagra."

Edith says, "Well you better make an appointment for me too."

Her husband replies, "Naw honey, I'm the only one who has to take the stuff."
Edith says, ...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

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