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Theoretical Jokes

Why was the theoretical physicist afraid to go skydiving?

Air resistance was negligible

TIL Albert Einstein was a real person.

I had always thought he was only a theoretical physicist.

A German theoretical physicist walks into a bar.

He orders himself ein Stein.

I thought Oppenheimer was a theoretical physicist.

Turns out he actually existed.

Theoretical duck

What did the duck say after it split the atom ?

Quark ! Quark !

What do you call a group of well-dressed theoretical physicists?

A bunch of Feynman

Zombie got bitten by a theoretical physicist

Now he goes around saying: "Branes, branes, branes..."

What did the subatomic quantum pirate say to the theoretical physicist?

Walk the Planck

I finally found where the librarian is storing the books on theoretical physics

In the Non-Friction section

I once wrote a theoretical performance based entirely on puns.

You could call it a play on words.

He asks: “You got anything strictly theoretical?”

A tachyon walks into a bar

They asked me if I have a degree in theoretical mathematics.

I told them I have a theoretical degree in mathematics.

They laughed, I laughed, HR laughed, the whole R&D department laughed. Then I got kicked out and they told me to never come back to NASA.

People can be so mean sometimes.

Did you hear about that theoretical physicist who went insane studying cosmic background radiation?

He said he couldn't tell where reality ended... and the paranoid delusions began!

The theoretical physicist had trouble getting a job...

... They couldn't apply their knowledge.

What kind of cheese does theoretical math by itself?

Provealone

40 Theoretical physicists walk into a bar

Or did they?

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My brother, the jackass, and the theoretical blind kid.

My brother came home from middle school one day and I could tell he was very upset. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that between classes he stopped in the restroom to take a piss and he set his brand new binder on the counter next to the sink before doing his business. Some asshole kid came i...

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[Long]A Theoretical Physicist is working diligently in his office at Columbia University.

With him is one of his graduate students minding her own business grading some of the first year students term papers. He is generally motionless except for the waggling of his pencil on the notebook he's doing sums in and the occasional pause to take a sip of his Jasmine tea.

All of a sudde...

Theoretically a goat can get impregnated by a moth.

Scientists have never attempted the experiment however, as they don't want to create more goth kids.

One of the smarter jokes I've picked up...

An engineer, a theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist and a philosopher are walking the hills of Scotland when they spot a black sheep. The engineer exclaims "well whaddaya know! the sheep in Scotland are black!" The theoretical physicist replies, "..well, SOME of the sheep in Scotland a...

I was asked in a job interview how well I understood theoretical physics.

I told them "I have a theoretical degree in physics.

Right after I got my PhD in theoretical physics, I was able to land a job at Stanford!

My first shift starts tomorrow, after the senior janitor gives me a quick rundown.

3 friends walk into a room.

Never seen this joke on here, but I’m gonna be honest, also didn’t check or look for it first.

An engineer, a scientist, and a theoretical mathematician walk into a room. A fire breaks out and the scientist grabs the fire extinguisher and squirts one tiny spot and the fire goes out.

T...

I get an hour lunch

I live 35 minutes away. Theoretically that gives me just enough time to go home and shower before they realize I’m not coming back.

Two physicists go hiking

A theoretical physicist and an applied physicist go hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Suddenly they spot a black bear running towards them. The applied physicist starts taking off his boots.

The theoretical physicist says, "It's not possible to outrun a bear."

The applied physicist say...

How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

Guys, I just read something on the internet saying that Albert Einstein may not have existed!

Turns out he's just a theoretical physicist.

OBGYN turns car mechanic (probably my favorite joke of all times)

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided a career change was in order. Being an automotive enthusiast, he felt he should become a car mechanic.
He read and studied hard, and then came the day of the official exam.
Scores range between 40 and 100, where 60 is enough to pass the ex...

Difficult questions

A son asks his dad "Daddy, what is string theory?"

The dad replied "Why are you asking me such difficult questions, come on ask me something easier"

The son then asks "Um ok so why does mommy get mad sometimes?"

"String theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like p...

A man went to the dentist to schedule getting a tooth pulled.

"I don't have a lot of money." he confessed. "Is there any way we could make the procedure cheaper?"


"I suppose for a small discount," thought the dentist, "We could reuse some of our disposable tools. It may slightly increase your risk of infection, but, theoretically, you should be fi...

Everyone knows I am extremely smart

After all I have a theoretical degree in physics

Physics

Theoretical Physicist: You have a great potential, why don't you use it?

Me standing on a rooftop: @@

My friend bought a 4 dimensional game.

It was all theoretical.

What does Dr. Pepper have his PhD in?

Theoretical fizz-ics.

An Irish man walked out of a bar...

Theoretically, it could happen...

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A 10 year old and Albert Einstein play a game

Both of them will take turns to ask each other a question and if one can't answer the other's question, he has to pay the other a sum of money.

To make the game fair, if the boy fails to answer a question, he only has to pay Einstein 5 dollars, on the other hand, if Einstein fails, he has to...

Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.

A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly t...

A small boy has homework..

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: "Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

...

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A guy applies for their driving license

Before starting practicing, of course, they had to pass a theoretical test.

The teacher asks them: «You're on the road at night, and you see 2 lights. What is it?»

And the student answers: «It's a car».

The teacher says: «It narrows down too little. Is it a BMW? A Mercedes? A Fo...

A joke for St Patrick's Day. "An Irishman walks out of a bar."

Well, theoretically, it could happen...

Perplex Numbers

I was talking to my physics professor the other day, and some theoretical work he did with tachyons came up. A tachyon travels faster than light, and in order to use some of the math from special relativity, one had to define what he called "perplex numbers"--numbers with negative absolute value. He...

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A man goes to the doctor and says,

“Doctor, my wife is an animal in the bedroom. She wants sex five, six, seven times a day. I love the woman and the sex, but it’s just too much. Can you help me”?

The doctor replies, “Well, medically, I can’t really think of anything. Theoretically, this might work. From now on, whenever she d...

My love life is like dark matter....

It theoretically exists.

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Tax inspector marries a woman who was already married 6 times. First wedding night...

"Dear, please be careful, I'm a virgin!"

- No way! There were six spouses now?

"I'll explain everything to you.

My first husband was a psychiatrist. He was just talking about sex. Theoretically. Never did it in practice.

My second husband was a gynaecologist. He was just...

“Dad” says son, “what’s the difference between theory and reality”?

“I’ll explain” says Dad. “MOTHER! Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?”

“Yes I would” says mother, giggling.

“DAUGHTER! Would you sleep with Harry Styles for a million bucks?”

“Yes I would” she says, blushing.

“There you go son” says Dad. “Theoretically we ...

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Would you tell anyone?

Two gentlemen are sitting next to each other at a bar, enjoying some conversation and drinks. One man turns to the other, "So I have a theoretical situation I would like your opinion on."
"Sure, ask away"
First man says "Well I was thinking, what if you woke up one morning and you found yourse...

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

Arrogance

Back in the days when Los Alamos was a small company town, a noted theoretical physicist was called as a witness for the prosecution. Rising to take the stand, the great man smiled and nodded affably in the direction of the jury box.

This infuriated the defence counsel. “Your Honor, I don’t ...

What's the difference between theory and practice?

Reading one of the posts currently in the front of /r/jokes reminded me of one of the Polish jokes about technical universities:

> We call something theoretical knowledge when things don't work correctly but everybody knows why.

> We call something practical knowledge when things...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's - it's named after the guy who runs the place, Walter Green. He's an older guy who doesn't understand a lot of technological stuff, and so the bar is plain and simple, just as it was when he first opened it back in the 1960s. One of Walter's regular cu...

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A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

A cheerful young noble knocks on a witch's door

A cheerful young noble knocks on a witch's door and tells her that he's always wanted to become a bear, and that he will reward her handsomely if she transforms him. She accepts, and starts gathering components for her spell. The man follows her around the whole time, explaining how he had read abou...

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A man goes to see a doctor.

He says, "I have a terrible lithp. Ever thince I wath a kid, my friendth have teathed me."

"Well, let's see if we can find what's wrong"

The doctor examines the patient, and says "Aha! Here is the problem. You have an enormous penis. It is so enormous that it is stretching your vocal c...

Just a good joke I remember hearing

So a son walks up to his father and asks, whats the difference between theory and reality, to which the father responds, "well son, go ask your brother, sister and mother if they would sleep with brad pitt for one million dollars"

So the son goes to his mother and asks "mom, would you sleep w...

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