A journalist tries to find out how different professions deals with basic math.

So he asks them a simple question: "How much is 1+1?"

The mechanical engineer quickly opens a handbook and say, the handbook says 2, let's make it 3 just in case.
The physicist starts scribbling and after 5 minutes say it's between 1.95 and 2.05 within 3 sigma confidence level.
...

The moon is basically a walmart sun

it reflects the behavior of the original product, but it just isn't the same

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

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Basic training

A man joins the parachute regiment. After basic training he goes home to tell his dad about it.

“How did it go son?”

“Great up to the last exercise. We had to do a real jump with full kit. We were at 9,000 ft and I was the last to jump. When I got to the door I froze. The drill Sargen...

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

My mom's sister was telling me she forgot a bunch of basic math...

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

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Why don’t they put advertisements on the Hulk..?

He’s basically a giant Banner.

A POLITICIAN visited a village and asked what their needs were

”We have 2 basic needs, sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s not the doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then aske...

Does anyone want to hang out, chat, and basically just be buddies with a lonely guy?

I’m asking for a friend.

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

If you go to jail for tax evasion....

....aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

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An old paratrooper joke

the original one (at least the one that I know) is in Hebrew.
The son is joining the army and his father wants him to become a paratrooper just like he did.

He is not in fit and he is afraid of heights, but his father told him that if he won't become one, he won't be allowed to enter his...

Basic math

A Jewish boy was failing math,

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed hi...

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

...and thats basically capitalism

Two man are locked in a room. There is a cake in the middle of it. The first one thinks: "I now have two options:

1. I take half of the cake and the other half is for that other guy.
2. I kill that other guy and have the cake all by myself."

He goes for the second option and kills t...

Zoom meetings are basically seances with the living...

Brian, are you there? Make a sound if you can hear us. Is anyone with you? Can you hear us?

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

You think you're a 10?

Maybe of the Ph scale, because OH−, girl you are BASIC.

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What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water?

A basic bitch.

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I got a new dog and named her Ammonia.

She's a basic bitch.

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English training before he visited Washington to meet president Barack Obama

The instructor told Prime Minister Mori, '"When you shake hands with President Obama, please ask 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama will say, 'I am fine and you?'. Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards, we translators, will do the work for you."

It looked quite simple but when Mori met Obama,...

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

A kid goes off to the army and comes back home after basic training.

He's having a chat with his dad about his experience, telling him how it went.

"So the first thing they do was have me run 15 miles. It was brutal. I had to have my fatigues on and carry my provisions. The drill sergeant said if we didn't do that we had to run 30 Miles the next day."

"...

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I watched a film last night which was basically about a guy who's attracted to watches. It follows he's struggle to fight he's sexual urges towards timepieces but in the end he sleeps with a rolex.

Its about fucking time

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

There were two odd conferences at the same hotel at the same time. One was for camping, the other was for aquatic mammals. They were essentially, more or less, basically, virtually...

...for all in tents and porpoises

A requirement to be a pilot is to be good at basic math

So I asked a couple pilots what 300 + 90 was and they all said 30. I guess they are not that smart after all.

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

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Wife sent me to the store to buy tampons.

As I'm standing there confused, a worker approached me and asked, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Yeah. What are these tampons made out? They are so expensive."


"Well basically just cotton, string, and cardboard." replies the employee.

After thinking for a minute...

There are many problems with math puns.

Calculus jokes are mostly derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%

You know a phone battery is basically its mitochondria.

It’s the powerhouse of the cell

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

"basically when you walk through a doorway your mind resets itself to take in new information causing you to forget what you came for in the first place"

**Archduke Franz Ferdinand:** so you dont remember why you time traveled here?

"I do think it was probably important"

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Most people have Homochromia, where their eyes are the same colour. I've got Heterochromia, and my eyes are different colours. So basically, God made me and said:

"You've got the most gorgeous eyes! No homo"

My wife is basically my whole universe...

She used to be a lot smaller and hotter, but for some reason, she just keeps expanding.

The sad thing is, eventually, there’ll be parts of her I can see now that I’ll never see again!

An American and a Soviet general are at the UN and are bragging about who has the best soldiers.

The American says: "We train our men hard; our boys march 100 miles a day in basic training". The Russian says "Da, so what? Our soldiers march 200 miles a day and double on weekends".

The American retorts "Well... when our GIs march they do it carrying 90lb packs without so much as a complai...

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

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Working from home is great! I’m basically getting paid $30 / hr to play Mario kart and have sex with my wife!

That’s like $3 per race and $0.50 every time I have sex!

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

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I once read a novel about a man who becomes infatuated with a 60 year old former prostitute.

It's basically about a guy who falls for the oldest trick in the book.

What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training?

I’ll miss you.

I was trying to find some good jokes about Indian bread online, but I couldn't find any.

They're basically naan-existent.

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

My friend always broke jokes down to the most basic level possible

01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101010 01101111 01101011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01100011 01101111 01110010 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101000 01101001 01100111 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 011...

A Group of Basic Girls Will Have a Higher Concentration of HOs.

However, a group of acidic girls will have a higher concentration of Hs.

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

What do you call a basic girl in potato themed lingerie

A Tator-Thot

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Most YouTube ads are only unskippable for 5 seconds, so they try to cram something surprising + the brand name in the first 5 seconds of the ad.

Hence you get ads that are basically Samuel L. Jackson screaming "Capital One, mothafucka!"

Who was the most basic person to ever play the game of baseball?

Al Kaline

Thought of this this morning. Pretty sure it's OC.

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Having kids, not giving birth, but having kids is basically like having a shit

Pretty much everyone can do it. Gives you an unimpeachable excuse to miss work. Never really lives up to expectations

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I recently saw one of those animated pornos that basically makes fictional characters have sex.

This one was about a certain famous, big superhero guy in red with an 'i' on his shirt, I can't remember his name. Anyway, the film was surprisingly good and left me thinking, 'that's just fucking incredible'.

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

So countries are basically competing to most effectively manage a virus that makes people cough and sneeze. Does that make this...

A Cold War?

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

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Did you know there are basically no canaries on Canary Islands?

Virgin Islands is the same case....

Not a single canary...

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The bathroom is basically extra storage.

It's where I keep all my shit.

Credit to u/mynock33

The Lord Promised 3 things

Pslam 147:3, he won’t leave you broken hearted.

John 6:37, he won’t reject you.

Hebrew 13:5, he won’t leave you nor forsake you.

Basically, he will never give you up, let you down, run around and desert you, never gonna let you cry, or say goodbye, he will never tell a lie and h...

My friend told me my hobbies were too basic

That was the most scientific way I've ever been offered acid

Walking and LEGO manuals are basically the same thing

There are to many steps

I went to my doctors and he asked me to provide a stool sample. So I enrolled in a basic wood working course.

He did look really concerned, when I told him it might take me a couple of months to produce.

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Every day, thousands of people come into this country and begin draining our resources. They don’t pay taxes, have no skills, and not even a basic grasp of our language.

Babies are fucking useless

There’s a lot of blaming and accusations going on concerning the Trump/China trade talks. Basically . . .

It’s a lot of He said Xi said.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill afterall!"

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(some very basic french is needed to understand) During the international annual ice cat race, they introduced all the cat-racers!

There was a french cat - Un Deux Trois

A spanish cat - Uno Dos Tres

And an american cat - one two three

The cats got behind the starting line on the ice, which was frozen on real water. The whistle was blown and the cats take off! Eventually, the French cat seems to be winning!...

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself,

and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

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Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

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Frank and John go hunting, as per usual on their sunday afternoon

John is blind, so Frank is always there to help him aim his rifle. As they're walking on the woods, Frank spots a deer:

F - (whispering) Oh, I spot a deer!

J - Nice, tell me where to aim.

F - You're basically facing him. Raise your rifle, perfect, now aim a little bit to your ri...

You ever notice that all Dillards are basically the same and only exist in malls? You know what they say though...

...when you've seen one Dillards, you've seen a mall.

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat

An aerial view of a toilet lid.

A preschool teacher is teaching a student basic geography

Teacher: "what state do you live in?"

Student: "denial."

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A kid with an acne-riddled face called me a basic bitch.

I called him an acidic asshole.

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point an...

What do you say when you realize you’ve made a basic mistake?

OH

TIL That procrastination stems from 2 basic personality traits

I'll post the link in a minute.

I haven't done much in my life, but I did teach basic arithmetics to ants...

It's the little things that count.

I enrolled in a course called, “Basic Origami for Nitwits” and you’re probably thinking, “Why?”

Well, the answer is twofold...

Have you heard the one about the hydroxide ion?

Nevermind, it's really basic

You're so inbred that you're basically a sandwich.

That's all, that was the joke. Sorry. Heard it from a cousin, probably not original.

Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

A young man wanted to learn an instrument, so he bought himself a bass guitar.

Not knowing where to begin, he decides to take music lessons. After some searching he finds an old bassist who is offering beginner classes at a reasonable rate. He calls the man and they schedule a meeting for the next evening.

The young man leaves work the next day and heads to the lesson. ...

Yo momma so basic...

...she got a pH of 15.

For anyone who doesn’t know how to make nuclear weapons, this is basically how...

Carefully.

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Basic Training in the Marines

On the first day of basic training in the marines, a drill instructor has new recruits lined up and is dressing them down.

He tells them “You aren’t men, you’re maggots!... you’re not even maggots! You’re a mite sucking a maggots dick! But in 6 weeks those of you who don’t quit are going...

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" basically mean the same thing

Except at a funeral.

I find my confidence always goes up after some basic carpentry...

...I'm pretty proud of myshelf

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Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

Why is everyone in outer space a basic white girl?

Because the universal currency is Starbucks

Basic Chemistry

If you pour alcohol into the ocean. You have a global solution.

Waiter:"There's basically everything on our menu"

Customer:"I see. Now, would you please bring me a cleaner one?"

Imagine a billionaire, which can't afford basic things

Because, he's from Zimbabwe

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Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

Music producers are basically like a pizza business.

They both make dough from mixers.

A brilliant scientist successfully creates a lifelike deer cyborg.

Dr. Holmes, after many years of biotechnological research, finally succeeded in his secret project, using funds diverted from his research grant. Because the project needed to be kept off the records, Dr. Holmes kept the deer at home.

The cyborg would grow and develop just as a normal fawn wo...

A certain TV station was a hosting a contest and I happened to be the first caller

The host said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a basic maths question."

"Well, I've got a master's in ...

What was Hungarian in the beginning of 20th century and went global in the 21st century?

Korona....


(Korona was the basic monetary unit of Hungary from 1892 to 1925)

What did the student's extremely basic answer get in the exam?

14/14

A young man stood at the side of the road and hailed a taxi. When he got in, the driver said, "Well, that was perfect timing. You're a lot like Frank." The passenger asks, "Who's Frank?" The taxidriver explains, "Frank Feldman. He also had perfect timing and was always there at just the right time."

"Ok, but nobody's perfect. Everybody makes mistakes once in a while," says the passenger." "No, no, not Frank Feldman!" replies the Taxi driver. "He was great at everything, sports too. If he'd played tennis, he probably would have won Wimbledon. He would have blown pro golfers out of the water as w...

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