UPJOKE
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Basic Jokes

85%of people in America don't know basic math.

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

Male bees die after mating. So that's basically their life.

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

I just realized Titanic and the Sixth Sense are basically the same movie.

Icy dead People!

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

I have a joke, pretty basic but here you go....

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math

"What’s 9 plus 9?”
“12”.
“What’s 8 and 8?”
“10”.
The doctor shook his head. “Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?”
The man thought for a second, and answered “1E”.
“Aha, I’ve figured it out!” The doctor said. “Somebody’s clearly put a hex on you.”

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

what does a basic white girl and an improper fraction have in common?

They can't even

What happens when a Jewish person becomes less basic?

They become more Hasidic!

Every shape is basically a circle

It's just that they are all edgy.

It's obvious people offering UFO conspiracy theories don't understand basic science.

If they did, they'd be offering UFO conspiracy hypotheses.

Two mathematicians are in a bar

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the w...

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I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

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Cat parents are basically failed gold miners…

All they do is dig up shit….

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

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Basic training

A man joins the parachute regiment. After basic training he goes home to tell his dad about it.

“How did it go son?”

“Great up to the last exercise. We had to do a real jump with full kit. We were at 9,000 ft and I was the last to jump. When I got to the door I froze. The drill Sargen...

What movie was basically just an ad?

The Hulk. It was just one giant Banner.

Yo momma so basic...

...she got a pH of 15.

What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training?

I’ll miss you.

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Basic Fuckanomics

Fuckanomics\-\-You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get...

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

X is basically Y with a leg to stand on.

That is all.

Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means basically the same thing...

...except at a funeral.

Basic Chemistry

If you pour alcohol into the ocean. You have a global solution.

...and thats basically capitalism

Two man are locked in a room. There is a cake in the middle of it. The first one thinks: "I now have two options:

1. I take half of the cake and the other half is for that other guy.
2. I kill that other guy and have the cake all by myself."

He goes for the second option and kills t...

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

The classical music field should get “Bach” to basics.

Because if it ain’t “Baroque”, don’t fix it.

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How do you tell the difference between a Hasidic Jew and a Basic Jew?

Measure their Ph

A journalist tries to find out how different professions deals with basic math.

So he asks them a simple question: "How much is 1+1?"

The mechanical engineer quickly opens a handbook and say, the handbook says 2, let's make it 3 just in case.
The physicist starts scribbling and after 5 minutes say it's between 1.95 and 2.05 within 3 sigma confidence level.
...

The moon is basically a walmart sun

it reflects the behavior of the original product, but it just isn't the same

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Basic Training in the Marines

On the first day of basic training in the marines, a drill instructor has new recruits lined up and is dressing them down.

He tells them “You aren’t men, you’re maggots!... you’re not even maggots! You’re a mite sucking a maggots dick! But in 6 weeks those of you who don’t quit are going...

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How do you cure a basic bitch?

Give her some acid.

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Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

My mom's sister was telling me she forgot a bunch of basic math...

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

Zoom meetings are basically seances with the living...

Brian, are you there? Make a sound if you can hear us. Is anyone with you? Can you hear us?

Today I read that there are people who refuse to set up sanitary installations for basic hand hygene in their bath rooms.

When the realiziation hit me, I was like: Let that sink in!

I find my confidence always goes up after some basic carpentry...

...I'm pretty proud of myshelf

A requirement to be a pilot is to be good at basic math

So I asked a couple pilots what 300 + 90 was and they all said 30. I guess they are not that smart after all.

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The bathroom is basically extra storage.

It's where I keep all my shit.

Credit to u/mynock33

I'm just a basic Jew...

...but if things go sour, I might become Hasidic.

Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%

My friend told me my hobbies were too basic

That was the most scientific way I've ever been offered acid

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

My friend always broke jokes down to the most basic level possible

01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101010 01101111 01101011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01100011 01101111 01110010 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101000 01101001 01100111 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 011...

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

A kid goes off to the army and comes back home after basic training.

He's having a chat with his dad about his experience, telling him how it went.

"So the first thing they do was have me run 15 miles. It was brutal. I had to have my fatigues on and carry my provisions. The drill sergeant said if we didn't do that we had to run 30 Miles the next day."

"...

TIL That procrastination stems from 2 basic personality traits

I'll post the link in a minute.

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

Imagine a billionaire, which can't afford basic things

Because, he's from Zimbabwe

Who was the most basic person to ever play the game of baseball?

Al Kaline

Thought of this this morning. Pretty sure it's OC.

A Group of Basic Girls Will Have a Higher Concentration of HOs.

However, a group of acidic girls will have a higher concentration of Hs.

Basically, you'll never see the same doctor in two different places at the same time.

That would be a pair'o'docs

A Russian joke from the 90's making fun of "New Russians" (Basically gangsters who got rich quick and loved to showcase their wealth).

Hey Boris, I like your tie. How much was it?

Thank you. It is made of the finest silk, cost me $5000.

Ha! You are an idiot. I got mine at the shop around the corner for $7500!

What's the opposite of a basic Jew?

A Hasidic Jew.

(Thank you.. Thank you.. I'll be here all week..)

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Did you know there are basically no canaries on Canary Islands?

Virgin Islands is the same case....

Not a single canary...

Does anyone want to hang out, chat, and basically just be buddies with a lonely guy?

I’m asking for a friend.

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Pedophiles are basically another form of hipsters...

... they are into people before it's cool.

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All dick jokes are basically the same...

They just vary in length

Why is everyone in outer space a basic white girl?

Because the universal currency is Starbucks

Reddit silver icon is basically a toilet seat

An aerial view of a toilet lid.

You're so inbred that you're basically a sandwich.

That's all, that was the joke. Sorry. Heard it from a cousin, probably not original.

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What do basic bitches and Vietnamese women have in common?

They can't resist a guy in uniform.

Walking and LEGO manuals are basically the same thing

There are to many steps

Waiter:"There's basically everything on our menu"

Customer:"I see. Now, would you please bring me a cleaner one?"

What do you say when you realize you’ve made a basic mistake?

OH

Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...

There were no casual tees.

I've studied Basic Human Anatomy so much

I know it like the back of my hand.

Trash/rubbish bags and condoms are basically the same thing.

You fill them with your junk and they always seem to break and spill everywhere when carrying a big load

What did the student's extremely basic answer get in the exam?

14/14

I once knew a girl so basic...

...that if you pushed her into a pool of acid, it'd be considered a-salt.

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The basics of male masturbation

Are easy to grasp.

My phone service provider is always wrong about some basic reproductive facts.

They’re always telling me I’m out of dada, but I’m pretty sure I came out of my mama.

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

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Joe returns home from basic training.

Joe finishes his basic training for the Army, and decides to surprise his family by coming home unannounced. His family is shocked, but everyone is happy to have him back home. After dinner, his mother and siblings head for bed, and Joe and his father remain at the table to have a couple beers and...

I haven't done much in my life, but I did teach basic arithmetics to ants...

It's the little things that count.

Music producers are basically like a pizza business.

They both make dough from mixers.

Bojack Horseman is basically bestiality.

It's about a man inside a horse

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I did basically nothing for a period in school

Well I lied, we had sex ed, but that only lasted 20 seconds

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English training before he visited Washington to meet president Barack Obama

The instructor told Prime Minister Mori, '"When you shake hands with President Obama, please ask 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama will say, 'I am fine and you?'. Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards, we translators, will do the work for you."

It looked quite simple but when Mori met Obama,...

Ruto, a politician, visited a village and and asked what their needs were.

”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.
“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, Ruto whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the ...

A korean couldn't find his coin, so basically ...

a korean lost a korean won

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

I'm basically a walking Dad joke.

My daughter ran up to me and said, "Daddy, I'm hungry!" I replied, "Give me a better opener, that bit's played out."

I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into giving his to a homeless person.

That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are out hunting.

Suddenly, a deer appears 50 meters away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts the rifle, and the bullet lands 5 meters short.

The engineer adds fudge factor for air resistance, and lifts the rifle a bit higher, and the bullet lands 5 meters lon...

What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls?

Parker gets paid for his selfies.

I enrolled in a course called, “Basic Origami for Nitwits” and you’re probably thinking, “Why?”

Well, the answer is twofold...

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I know the basics of sex...

You could say I know the ins and outs.

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I recently saw one of those animated pornos that basically makes fictional characters have sex.

This one was about a certain famous, big superhero guy in red with an 'i' on his shirt, I can't remember his name. Anyway, the film was surprisingly good and left me thinking, 'that's just fucking incredible'.

Real - Trying to teach my puppy basic commands and turn to reddit for help...

"Obedience Training" and "Training your dog to come on command" are NSFW topics.

Corona Virus Symptoms Basically Are The Same Feelings You Get When Your Wife Is Checking Your Phone

-Difficulty In Breathing -Sweating Profusely

-Weakness

-Headache

-Stomach Ache

And when you are asked a question the dry cough starts.

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There are basically ten kinds of people

* Those who know binary.
* Those who think in binary and pronounce the numeral "10" as "two", these are robots and should be destroyed.
* Those who fuck up the setup.
* Those who quit early.
* Those who never really gave a shit in the first place.
* Those who take the opposite positio...

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An anatomy teacher was teaching the basics of male biology...

An anatomy teacher was teaching the basics of male biology to her class. She explained what the urethra and testicles are to her class, when a student raised his hand and said,

"I thought that the urethra and testicles were just two different terms describing the same thing?"

The teach...

I heard someone call pumpkin spice lattes basic...

but they are wrong, lattes have a pH below 7

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

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I can't cook. My strategy for operating the oven is basically the same as my strategy for sex

I do my best to turn it on, then I stick my stuff in and hope for the best.

For anyone who doesn’t know how to make nuclear weapons, this is basically how...

Carefully.

What's the talent show where the contestants do basically nothing?

"American Idle"

What did the basic girl say after all her writing utensils broke?

I literally cant even write now

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

I used to be extremely reactive to solutions. Well, that was until they moved me to something more basic.

I know, I know. I'm just really salty because of it.

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself,

and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again

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