Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again.

Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself,

and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again

Why is everyone in outer space a basic white girl?

Because the universal currency is Starbucks

TIL That procrastination stems from 2 basic personality traits

I'll post the link in a minute.

Basic Chemistry

If you pour alcohol into the ocean. You have a global solution.

Real - Trying to teach my puppy basic commands and turn to reddit for help...

"Obedience Training" and "Training your dog to come on command" are NSFW topics.

Which state is the most basic?

OH

I haven't done much in my life, but I did teach basic arithmetics to ants...

It's the little things that count.

I enrolled in a course called, “Basic Origami for Nitwits” and you’re probably thinking, “Why?”

Well, the answer is twofold...

Imagine a billionaire, which can't afford basic things

Because, he's from Zimbabwe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why cant you give a basic bitch LSD?

Basics get really salty when you mix them with acid.

What do you say when you realize you’ve made a basic mistake?

OH

I used to be extremely reactive to solutions. Well, that was until they moved me to something more basic.

I know, I know. I'm just really salty because of it.

Girl if I had to rate you, I'd give you a 10

Oh the pH scale, because girl you are basic.

How many monsters can do basic math?

All of them, unless you Count Dracula

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Basic Training in the Marines

On the first day of basic training in the marines, a drill instructor has new recruits lined up and is dressing them down.

He tells them “You aren’t men, you’re maggots!... you’re not even maggots! You’re a mite sucking a maggots dick! But in 6 weeks those of you who don’t quit are going...

What do you call the basic unit of grammar when it walks into a maze?

A lost clause.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do basic bitches and Vietnamese women have in common?

They can't resist a guy in uniform.

A preschool teacher is teaching a student basic geography

Teacher: "what state do you live in?"

Student: "denial."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Basic Fuckanomics

Fuckanomics\-\-You're born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many. Then, as you get...

They asked me to name a synonym to the word "basic"

The answer is simple.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An anatomy teacher was teaching the basics of male biology...

An anatomy teacher was teaching the basics of male biology to her class. She explained what the urethra and testicles are to her class, when a student raised his hand and said,

"I thought that the urethra and testicles were just two different terms describing the same thing?"

The teach...

What did the student's extremely basic answer get in the exam?

14/14

Yo momma so basic...

...she got a pH of 15.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Judaism is a lot like the pH scale.

On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

I find my confidence always goes up after some basic carpentry...

...I'm pretty proud of myshelf

We have to buy our basic human rights

Food, water, the internet...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So t...

Who is the most basic baseball player of all time?

Al Kaline

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

I'm just a basic Jew...

...but if things go sour, I might become Hasidic.

When asking a basic white girl if she wants some Starbucks, the short answer will always be "yas"

The long answer is probably going to be "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas"

What basic skill do herb farmers always struggle with?

Thyme management

What's the opposite of a basic Jew?

A Hasidic Jew.

(Thank you.. Thank you.. I'll be here all week..)

Someone blew up a department store because they didn't stock basic clothing...

There were no casual tees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you cure a basic bitch?

Give her some acid.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I know the basics of sex...

You could say I know the ins and outs.

The police are currently on the lookout for a massive homeless dumpling that has been indiscriminately ransacking houses for money to buy basic necessities.

He's a wanted wanting wanton one-ton wonton.

What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls?

Parker gets paid for his selfies.

Give basic jobs complicated job titles

Job listings like to give even the basic jobs some complicated job titles.

So for example:

Cashier = Customer Transaction Specialist

Janitor = Sanitation Engineer

Dishwasher = Utensil Sterilizer

Waiter = Customer Request Dispatcher

Can you think of other ba...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The basics of male masturbation

Are easy to grasp.

I once knew a girl so basic...

...that if you pushed her into a pool of acid, it'd be considered a-salt.

What did the basic girl say after all her writing utensils broke?

I literally cant even write now

A student asked a teacher, "What does a pH greater than 7 mean?"

The teacher replied, "It's basic chemistry "

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe returns home from basic training.

Joe finishes his basic training for the Army, and decides to surprise his family by coming home unannounced. His family is shocked, but everyone is happy to have him back home. After dinner, his mother and siblings head for bed, and Joe and his father remain at the table to have a couple beers and...

My sister is a 13 on the pH scale.

She's basic but can't even.

Your a ten babe

On the PH scale maybe, cause you basic

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny.

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Weed-eater

Two guys are sitting out side of college registration comparing schedules. We'll call them Larry and David

Larry: What did you get on your schedule for this semester?

David: Oh... College algebra, Psych 101, English 101, you know.. just the basics.

Larry: I got college algebra...

I heard someone call pumpkin spice lattes basic...

but they are wrong, lattes have a pH below 7

Two mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician wanders off to the bathroom, so the second guy calls over their waitress...

Everyone knows part of the way toothpaste works is by equalizing the acidic substances in your mouth.

I mean, it’s basic science.

So I’m dating this girl, called magnesium hydroxide, she likes fairy lights, nickelback and pumpkin spiced lattes...

Yeah she is pretty basic.

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

Why do I add baking soda to my pumpkin spice lattes?

To make them even more basic.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paratrooper Training

My cousin was on leave after basic training and came home to see all of the family. He was in basic training to become a paratrooper, just like his father and grandfather. The only problem was that he was deathly afraid of heights. Upon arrival we all gathered around to hear him tell us how it we...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

from an old book

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at tue bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey girl... Is your ph above 7?

Cuz you're basic as fuck

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIFU by using Google Translate to talk about my girlfriend’s dog breed

Apparently “Basic Bitch” doesn’t mean the same thing as “Standard Poodle.”

I’ve been informed that jokes about acids are a waste of time.

They say that basic jokes have a higher potential.

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center,

where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ...

My daughter just cracked my new Iphone Xs screen, so I’m passing it back to a lucky commenter. Info below.

Girl, 7-year-old, can do basic math and alphabet, good at housework, overall a good child.