UPJOKE
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Tearing Jokes

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

The World ‘Paper Tearing’ Champion has died .....

RIP!

I’m tearing out pages of the dictionary.

I’m up to Mischief.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?

Customer: Is it extra virgin?

Me: *tearing up* No it’s the same price

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don’t understand why people keep tearing down Confederate statues?

Shouldn’t the losers get to keep their participation trophies?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, every...

I learned a spell that stops paper from tearing!

It's a Can'tRip

A cargo ship struck an iceberg, tearing a gash in the side.

It was carrying bagged chips, so it didn't sink until it was unloaded.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Private is standing outside smoking

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares a...

What's one thing the Hulk would struggle tearing down?

The fourth wall

A rather drunk fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.

'Excuse me,' said the woman sitting next to him. "But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
"It scares away the elephants,' replied the drunk. "But I don't see any elephants around here,' said the woman
"Effective, isn't it?" crowed the drunk.

I don’t judge the past of my Garth Brooks loving cannibal girlfriend

But what she’s doing now is tearing me apart

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