I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today.

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.

Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

Did you hear about the soldier who was attacked with mustard gas and pepper spray?

He was a seasoned veteran

LPT: If you ever find yourself outside without clothes, just spray yourself down with Windex.

It prevents streaking.

TIFU by spraying some neighborhood kids who were biking in front of my yard with my hose

Turned out I pulled out my gun.

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

I was spray painting a side table when I noticed my first coat was really patchy...

I thought to myself, "well this can is past its prime"

Luckily I had another can that was primer.

I saw a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.

Now that is bold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps?

He says “No, it kills them.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly

Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men's room was closed!

A guy had to go very badly, and the Men's room was closed. Looking around, he see's there are no women in the bathroom.


He sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm wate...

Spray Cheese

When you're lactose intolerant all cheese is spray cheese

Bernie is walking down the street and runs into Sheldon, an old acquaintance

Bernie says, "Sheldon, I am so glad I ran into you. I know some circus people and I can get you an elephant for $100."

Sheldon: What am I going to do with an elephant?

Bernie: He can put thing up on high shelves, He can spray you with water, You know, elephant things.

Sheldon: ...

What do cops use pepper spray for?

A salt!

Whenever I'm feeling down at work

I spray my Pakistani colleague in the face with some furniture polish.



It never fails to brighten Mahmood.

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross spray paint with paint thinner?

High as fuck.

About a month before he died, my grandfather asked us to spray WD-40 all over his back.

After that, he went downhill fast.

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

I'm sorry I'll show myself out.

Customer at home depot: is this spray good for wasps?

Me: No it kills them.

And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.

Bear & Human encounters

If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.

If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray...

I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn’t find it

True story:

Years ago I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn’t find it. I asked the hardware store employee if they had any. She’d never heard of maroon before.

“You’re making that up,” she said.

I replied, “Yeah, it’s a pigment of my machinations.”

In retrospe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed?

To wake up oily

My friend always sprays spittle when he’s bragging

Weird flecks but ok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed t...

Sorry i sprayed that WD40 in your mouth...

But it DID stop that noise that you were making.

A blonde is traveling with her friend down an old back road when she slams on her breaks to miss a rabbit.

They both get out of the car to see a dead rabbit laying in the middle of the road.

The friend turns to the blonde and says “omg, you just killed that poor rabbit, what are we going to do?”

The blonde returns to her car to retrieve a spray can, then back to her friend, that’s frantic...

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a smiling security guard in the bathroom at the strip club i go to... [Long]

Night or day doesnt matter, you go in and he just stares you down while you’re using the pisser with the biggest smile on his face.

Ive tried talking to him several times but he just stands there and smiles like the queens guard or some shit. I figured i would test him a bit and see what i c...

A guy walks into a post office one day

to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

A before Viagara Joke

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm. Grandpa said, " Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets...

An arsonist lights an economist's house on fire.

When the economist arrives home, he turns on the garden hose in his front yard and sprays a huge blast of water on the fire. This completely puts out the fire, but now a section of the house is covered in water.

The next day, the arsonist lights a chemist's house on fire.

When the chem...

How do skunks know who to spray and who not to spray?

Instink

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

A salesman was traveling through the country side, flogging insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray.
If there is ...

I bought pepper spray to keep dogs off.

I hope they really leave me alone when they see me crying.

NSFW A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom

A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom on fall evening, and sees her 90 year old husband. He has a can of spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions. She stops and yells, “ You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is...

advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the ex-pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

As soon as the tank was full, he’d rip out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oh, Little Johnny

Little Johnny's teacher began the school year by announcing a new contest. Every Friday, 30 minutes before the final bell, she would ask the class a question. The first student to answer it right could leave early, and the rest of the class would take a quiz.

The first Friday, the teacher a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself.

I still can't fucking fly.

I met a girl who wanted to make love under a light spray of water, but I said no.

Looking back, I realize it was a mist opportunity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ouch!

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautione...

My boss asked me why I was spraying my mouse with WD40

I told him it wouldn’t stop squeaking

What does a rusty can of spray-on rust remover smell like?

Irony.

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

What do you call a febreeze spraying ant?

Deodorant

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

I just got arrested for buying bug spray at a store

Apparently you're not allowed to get Off in public

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW

A woman walks up to the club pro and asks for a lesson. So he says “Hit a few balls and let me see how you swing.” She sprays balls right and left, slicing and shanking the ball.

So the pro tries changing her back swing, changing her grip, and nothing is working. Exasperated, he finally says...

Communist party gathers, main speaker is Stalin. Someone sneezes.

Stalin: Comrades, who sneezed?

Silence.

Stalin: I ask again, comrades, who sneezed?

Silence intensifies.

Stalin: Shoot down first row!

Guards spray the first row with bullets.

Stalin: Comrades, i ask AGAIN, who sneezed?

Dead silence.

Stalin: Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the feminine hygiene spray SSY?

It takes the PU out of pussy.

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?

He's now a seasoned veteran.






Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Viagra now comes in a nasal spray.

It's for dick heads.

A grandfather and his young grandson were out walking one morning after a light rain...

They notice an earthworm on the ground having just crawled out of its burrow.

“Tell you what- if you can figure out a way to get that worm back in its hole, I’ll give you $10.”

The kid thinks for a second and tells his grandpa he’ll be right back.

He returns a few minutes lat...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

The Three Little Pigs

So we are at the point in the story where all three pigs are in the brick house, and the wolf is outside doing all of his huffing and puffing, and the three pigs are getting clearly agitated. One of them finally says “Enough!”, and he goes and makes a phone call.

In a few minutes, a black se...

I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat.

I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray.

Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

I'm going to start selling fancy toilet spray

I'll call it Chanel No. 2

I bought a spray used for destroying a particular pasta sauce.

It's a pestocide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My fallback joke that I've been telling for about 20 years at this point.

A teacher isn't seeing much engagement in her class so, she decides to get the students more involved she offers up a proposition.

She tells all of her students that every Friday she is going to ask a "Question of the Day", if the students can get it right they can take the day off of school ...

John was a police officer known for being brutal and unjust.

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou...

Elon Musk has launched a new cologne!

Space-Axe Body Spray™

A man walks into a tiny hardware store

looking for something to rid of a wasp problem. After 10 mins of walking around the store all he can find is ant spray. So he goes up to the counter and asks the clerk, “Is this any good for wasps?” Without a word, the clerk takes the can from his hands, reads the back for ingredients. “No.“ he rep...

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