I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps?

He says “No, it kills them.”

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...

and now I talk with a strange Axe scent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars..

..and came to us a seasoned Veteran.

Spray Cheese

When you're lactose intolerant all cheese is spray cheese

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly

Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom

What do cops use pepper spray for?

A salt!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross spray paint with paint thinner?

High as fuck.

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

I'm sorry I'll show myself out.

About a month before he died, my grandfather asked us to spray WD-40 all over his back.

After that, he went downhill fast.

Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed?

To wake up oily

My friend always sprays spittle when he’s bragging

Weird flecks but ok

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm

Grandpa said, "Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $1...

Customer at home depot: is this spray good for wasps?

Me: No it kills them.

And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.

Elon Musk has launched a new cologne!

Space-Axe Body Spray™

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was doing 69

A couple was doing a 69 when suddently, the man recalled he had an appointement to the dentist.


So after he apologises to his wife, he rushed to the washroom and brushed his teeth, to remove the smell of vagina from his breath.


In the car, he chewed mint gum and used spra...

Sorry i sprayed that WD40 in your mouth...

But it DID stop that noise that you were making.

They call me a religious deodorant user...

Because I spray and pray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

A woman and her husband are driving down the highway, when all of a sudden - splat - they've hit something furry

The woman pulls over, gets out and looks behind the car. A little bunny is squashed on the side of the road. The man, coming up behind him, says "Oh poor little guy."

"It's OK," says the woman, "I've got just the thing." She goes back, rummages in her handbag, and comes back with a spray can....

When hiking near bears...

...you should always wear a bell around your neck and carry a can of extra strength pepper spray.

To figure out what type of bears are near your trail, you can examine their droppings.

Black bear droppings are a dark colour and may contain plant material.

Grizzly bear droppings...

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

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A boy and his dog

A young man walks into a bar, followed closely by a large ball of black hair. The bartender looks at him and says "We dont allow dogs in here!"

The young man responds, "That's not a dog, it's a wooleybugger."

"What's a woolybugger?" quips the bartender.

"Come outside and I'll s...

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

A Horse walks into a bar.

He orders a drink and puts a can of pepper spray on top the bar.

The bartender proceeds to give him the drink and says “Why the strong mace?”

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

A burglar is sneaking out of a house...

Waiting outside are two cops. One points a can of pepper spray at the criminal.

"FREEZE IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL USE FORCE!"

The burglar nods, puts his hands up and stands still. After a few seconds, the cop steps forward and touches his arm. Suddenly looking confused and angry, the cop s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story]

"Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender.

"Elsewhere, you say?" said the man, the wheels slowly clanking into place in his head forming an idea. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink. "Since I can't pee in this toilet like my gr...

A pirate at sea has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch.

One of his companions ask how he lost his leg. He answers, "A cannonball." Then his companion asks how he lost his hand. He answers, "A sword." When the companion asks how he lost his eye, the man says, "A spray of the sea."

It was his first day with the hook.

I bought pepper spray to keep dogs off.

I hope they really leave me alone when they see me crying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time i had sex, i cried.

I don't know if it was because i was emotional or because of the pepper spray.

A newly wedded couple

A newly wedded couple moved in to the new house, which happened to be on the same street as grooms parents house. Living so close the mother in law loved to check on her sons wife thru the day and would pay her a visit nearly every day when her son was at work. One afternoon she knocked on the door ...

I met a girl who wanted to make love under a light spray of water, but I said no.

Looking back, I realize it was a mist opportunity.

My boss asked me why I was spraying my mouse with WD40

I told him it wouldn’t stop squeaking

What do you call a febreeze spraying ant?

Deodorant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctor the other day for a sexual problem.

It’s not what you’re probably thinking though.

My eyes and sometimes my entire face would burn during sex. Sometimes my eyes began watering uncontrollably, making me unable to see.

The doctor said it was probably the pepper spray but I’m seeking a second opinion.

What does a rusty can of spray-on rust remover smell like?

Irony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself.

I still can't fucking fly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you get a spray tan for Hannukah

you make orange Jews

A salesman was travelling through the countryside,

selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that b...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

A classic Canadian Joke.

A Mainlander is driving down the highway and runs over a rabbit. Wondering what noise was, he stops his car and gets out to look. While he's standing there a newfie pulls up and asks him what's going on.

The mainlander says, "I'm just here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed...

I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."

The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the feminine hygiene spray SSY?

It takes the PU out of pussy.

Bear PSA

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers and campers in National Parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming f...

I just got arrested for buying bug spray at a store

Apparently you're not allowed to get Off in public

I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat.

I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?

He's now a seasoned veteran.






Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband is a pharmacist and he told me there is a Viagra nasal spray.

Apparently it's for dickheads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

I'm going to start selling fancy toilet spray

I'll call it Chanel No. 2

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

I bought a spray used for destroying a particular pasta sauce.

It's a pestocide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray.

Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

I would hate to see a diarrhea outbreak.

Everyone's gonna take all the nasal spray from every store

In avengers endgame when Thor cuts off thanos' head with an axe some blood hits nebula.

I guess you could she's covered in axe body spray.

Fun fact: taking a can of bug spray to my phone will delete half my music library

by killing all of The Beatles

Did you hear about the flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage?

It was a murder most foul.

I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.

Now he'll never have any friends.

Police are pepper spraying protesters at the Inauguration today.

I don't know if that is to hurt them, or just give them all Orange Face?

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