*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

My Grandfather survived mustard gas and pepper spray attacks in the war.

We call him a seasoned veteran.

what do you call a pepper sprayed Walter White?

Eyesinburn

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.

Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

I hate when my hose stops spraying water.

But then I remember not to kink shame.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray

But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.

LPT: If you ever find yourself outside without clothes, just spray yourself down with Windex.

It prevents streaking.

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

A little boy...

.... and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.

It's too wiggly and limp ...

Grandpa Mike died this weekend.

He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

I saw a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.

Now that is bold.

I was spray painting a side table when I noticed my first coat was really patchy...

I thought to myself, "well this can is past its prime"

Luckily I had another can that was primer.

3 friends walk into a room.

Never seen this joke on here, but I’m gonna be honest, also didn’t check or look for it first.

An engineer, a scientist, and a theoretical mathematician walk into a room. A fire breaks out and the scientist grabs the fire extinguisher and squirts one tiny spot and the fire goes out.

T...

I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps?

He says “No, it kills them.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to kill a spider with axe body spray.

It didn’t work. Now it’s name is Brett, it won’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, and it won’t shut the fuck up about CrossFit.

A man and his grandson are playing on the front lawn

His grandson sees a worm crawling against the wooden fence and then turns to his grandpa.

"I bet you $5 that I can make that worm fit through a straw"

The grandpa, confused, responds
"I'll take that bet, no way you can fit a worm throw a straw. It's way too limp"

The grandson...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got sprayed in the chest by a skunk so I had my tiny therapist wash my clothes for me.

My shrunk shrink stopped my shirt's skunk stink.

A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.

Seeing worms all over the sidewalk the grandfather decided to play a little prank on his grandson. "Billy," he says "I'll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it's hole."

Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly

Today I'm putting a cockroach in the bathroom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another Little Johnny joke...

Johnny's teacher is asking trivia questions in class, and letting whoever answers them correctly go home early. One day, she asks, "Who was the first President of the United States?"

Before Johnny can even raise his hand, Billy says, "George Washington!"

"That's correct, Billy," teach...

All You Need Is Love

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better...

Spray Cheese

When you're lactose intolerant all cheese is spray cheese

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

What do cops use pepper spray for?

A salt!

About a month before he died, my grandfather asked us to spray WD-40 all over his back.

After that, he went downhill fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross spray paint with paint thinner?

High as fuck.

Customer at home depot: is this spray good for wasps?

Me: No it kills them.

And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.

A lady goes to the store to get a hair trimmer for her dog

..as she's browsing a clerk comes along and says "If you're using it on you're underarms, don't spray on deodorant for a few hours it will sting a lot." She says "No it's not for my underarms."

The clerk says "Well if you're doing your legs, don't wear pantyhose for a day, it can irritate you...

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

I'm sorry I'll show myself out.

Sorry i sprayed that WD40 in your mouth...

But it DID stop that noise that you were making.

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

The young salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn’t find it

True story:

Years ago I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn’t find it. I asked the hardware store employee if they had any. She’d never heard of maroon before.

“You’re making that up,” she said.

I replied, “Yeah, it’s a pigment of my machinations.”

In retrospe...

How do skunks know who to spray and who not to spray?

Instink

Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed?

To wake up oily

My friend always sprays spittle when he’s bragging

Weird flecks but ok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

The new memes about the Trump spray tan picture are pure gold

Or maybe more of a bronze...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

Somebody sprayed free candy on my van.

The joke is on them, i have no candy.

The hot farmer

A hot, sweaty farmer walks into a bar and orders a cold beer. "Dang, our baler broke down in the field today, and its humid and 100+ degrees out," the farmer complains. "I'm so hot and sweaty from repairing that thing that I just want to rip off all my dirty, sweaty clothes and run around the bar in...

What did the Priest say to the pest control people?

Let's spray.

I bought pepper spray to keep dogs off.

I hope they really leave me alone when they see me crying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself.

I still can't fucking fly.

I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

What does a rusty can of spray-on rust remover smell like?

Irony.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men's room was closed!

A guy had to go very badly, and the Men's room was closed. Looking around, he see's there are no women in the bathroom.


He sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm wate...

I met a girl who wanted to make love under a light spray of water, but I said no.

Looking back, I realize it was a mist opportunity.

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

My boss asked me why I was spraying my mouse with WD40

I told him it wouldn’t stop squeaking

What do you call a febreeze spraying ant?

Deodorant

Bernie is walking down the street and runs into Sheldon, an old acquaintance

Bernie says, "Sheldon, I am so glad I ran into you. I know some circus people and I can get you an elephant for $100."

Sheldon: What am I going to do with an elephant?

Bernie: He can put thing up on high shelves, He can spray you with water, You know, elephant things.

Sheldon: ...

A blonde is traveling with her friend down an old back road when she slams on her breaks to miss a rabbit.

They both get out of the car to see a dead rabbit laying in the middle of the road.

The friend turns to the blonde and says “omg, you just killed that poor rabbit, what are we going to do?”

The blonde returns to her car to retrieve a spray can, then back to her friend, that’s frantic...

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Viagra now comes in a nasal spray.

It's for dick heads.

I just got arrested for buying bug spray at a store

Apparently you're not allowed to get Off in public

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?

He's now a seasoned veteran.






Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray.

Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the feminine hygiene spray SSY?

It takes the PU out of pussy.

I bought a spray used for destroying a particular pasta sauce.

It's a pestocide.

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

NSFW A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom

A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom on fall evening, and sees her 90 year old husband. He has a can of spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions. She stops and yells, “ You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

I'm going to start selling fancy toilet spray

I'll call it Chanel No. 2

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.