A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He’s now a seasoned veteran

Sorry i sprayed that WD40 in your mouth...

But it DID stop that noise that you were making.

I bought pepper spray to keep dogs off.

I hope they really leave me alone when they see me crying.

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"No, it kills them."

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

I met a girl who wanted to make love under a light spray of water, but I said no.

Looking back, I realize it was a mist opportunity.

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

What do you call a febreeze spraying ant?

Deodorant

My boss asked me why I was spraying my mouse with WD40

I told him it wouldn’t stop squeaking

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

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When you get a spray tan for Hannukah

you make orange Jews

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A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

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I just sprayed some orange scented air freshener in the bathroom.

Now it smells like shitrus.

How do skunks know who to spray and who not to spray?

Instink

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

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I used to cry during sex

but now pepper spray doesn't really effect me anymore.

Just tried to kill a roach with Axe body spray.

Now it’s name is Brett, and he won’t shut up about CrossFit.

What does a rusty can of spray-on rust remover smell like?

Irony.

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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

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ALEX TREBEK: This accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics

**ME:** *(spraying a mouthful of popcorn)* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB?!

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A gambler walks into a bar...

He sits down, orders a beer and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks what brings him to town. The gambler says “I make my living going around gambling on things.” “Like on sports?” Asks the bartender. The gambler replies “No, I bet on anything and I never lose any money... ...

A rabbit crosses an intersection and gets hit by a car,killing it instantly...

An animal lover,concerned about the well being of the rabbit,gets out of her car and rushes over to the rabbit,takes it's pulse,and immediately grabs a can out of her purse.She sprays it on the rabbit and instantly the recent roadkill jumps back to life,hops three times and waves,hops three times a...

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Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself.

I still can't fucking fly.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

What do priests and cabbage perfumes have in common?

Lettuce spray

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Did you hear about the feminine hygiene spray SSY?

It takes the PU out of pussy.

[NSFW] What does China and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

Cleaning up the bloody mess by spraying it down the drain

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A beautiful woman walks into a bar...

She goes straight to the bar, hops up onto it, flips up her skirt, and starts furiously masturbating. A minute later, she's cumming, and spraying her girl juices in every direction as she spins and twirls on the bar.

A barfly looks up from his drink, wipes the drips from his face and says, "...

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A Man Walks Into A Bar

He hangs out for a bit and makes a bit of a stir. The bartender, intrigued, asks what's up. The man says "I bet you $200 I can stand on that stool across the bar and pee into a shot glass without spilling a drop." the bartender thinks there's no fucking way so he takes the bet and puts out the shot ...

I just got arrested for buying bug spray at a store

Apparently you're not allowed to get Off in public

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My husband is a pharmacist and he told me there is a Viagra nasal spray.

Apparently it's for dickheads.

Got my homework back and it's full of big green ticks.

Anyone know what bug spray will get rid of them?

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and ...

I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

I'm going to start selling fancy toilet spray

I'll call it Chanel No. 2

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I have suffered from an annoying medical condition for a long time.

During sex, when I am just about to come, I suffer from shortness of breath, running nose and I burst into tears. The symptoms turned gradually so bad I had to consult a doctor. Today he called - the lab results were finally ready. It turns out that I am apparently terribly allergic to capsaisin spr...

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A guy goes to a pet store and sees a parrot without any feet

He asks the parrot: 'How do you manage to stay on your stick without any feet?'

The parrot answers: 'I actually balance on the stick using my penis. By the way, I am for sale, if you are interested.'

The guy answers: 'A talking parrot who understands me for such a low price? Sold!'
...

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

I bought a spray used for destroying a particular pasta sauce.

It's a pestocide.

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?

He's now a seasoned veteran.






Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

The makers of summers eve

The makers of summers eve has release a new product line for men. A spray for men called umpire, for foul balls.

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TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray.

Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.

Fun fact: taking a can of bug spray to my phone will delete half my music library

by killing all of The Beatles

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A gambling problem.

So there's an 80 year old man who one day gets a call from the IRS.

IRS: hello sir we've noticed large amounts of money moving into and out of your account and I need you to come down for a meeting tomorrow and explain some things or we may have to perform an audit.

The old man agree...

r/jokes is holding a meetup.

Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event.

"Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank--" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his ...

Police are pepper spraying protesters at the Inauguration today.

I don't know if that is to hurt them, or just give them all Orange Face?

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An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

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Doctor my Eyes

Doctor, my eyes tear up every time I have sex.

It's normal, that's just the pepper spray.

Did you hear about the flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage?

It was a murder most foul.

I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.

Now he'll never have any friends.

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A young comedian wanted to make himself famous, so he covered the interior of his house with Jokes

He wrote down every joke he ever knew on a paper each and taped them to everything in his house: the floor, the walls, the couch....etc.

However there was one joke which he thought was lame, so he threw it away somewhere in his house and forgot about it.

The Comedian started inviting s...

Happy Father's Day

Today is the day that you should thank your dad for not spraying you all over your moms face.

TIFU by spraying water on a topless model

Now all the seats are wet

A man was driving along the highway......

.........and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become o...

I'm giving up spray deodorants for the new year

Roll on 2017

Someone has been spraying graffiti of what appears to be corporate ledgers all around my neighborhood.

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls.

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

A panda walks into a bar with his bag

The panda takes a seat at a single table and asks the waiter for the menu. The waiter confirms his order and a few minutes later brings him his food. The panda finishes all the food and then whips out his tommy gun fron his bag and starts spraying everywhere. Everyone ducks under their tables or wha...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

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My favorite sex position is the JFK:

I spray all over her while she screams and tries to jump out of the car.

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A Nazi was in a grocery store...

...when the juice carton he was looking at abruptly exploded and sprayed all over his body.

"Damn juice!"

What does a priest put on salad?

Lettuce spray

The girl in the Pina Colada song had a crush on JFK

Think about it.

"If you like Pina Coladas" - JFK was a known aficionado of rum drinks.

"And gettin' caught in the rain" - JFK was a Navy man. Fond of water, sea spray, etc. Rain is not a showstopper.

"If you're not into yoga" - JFK had a bad back. Yoga was out.

"If you .....

I was driving through a Forrest and felt a small bump so

I stopped and pulled over to see what happened . I had ran over a hare. Suddenly a girl came over and sprayed something on the dead hare. It then jumped up ,ran a few feet then waved .It kept repeating this and I was shocked .i asked the girl what she sprayed on the hare.

She said it was inst...

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