I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

I went to school with a girl called Non-Stick Cooking Spray

We tried calling her Pam. But it didn't stick.

I'm sorry I'll show myself out.

Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed?

To wake up oily

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross spray paint with paint thinner?

High as fuck.

My friend always sprays spittle when he’s bragging

Weird flecks but ok

Customer at home depot: is this spray good for wasps?

Me: No it kills them.

And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a dump and then sprayed lemon-scented air freshener after

Now it smells like shit-rus

Sorry i sprayed that WD40 in your mouth...

But it DID stop that noise that you were making.

A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.

As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small ...

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"No, it kills them."

About a month before he died, my grandfather asked us to spray WD-40 all over his back.

After that, he went downhill fast.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.

He's now a seasoned veteran.

A salesman was travelling through the countryside,

selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that b...

I bought pepper spray to keep dogs off.

I hope they really leave me alone when they see me crying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the doctor the other day for a sexual problem.

It’s not what you’re probably thinking though.

My eyes and sometimes my entire face would burn during sex. Sometimes my eyes began watering uncontrollably, making me unable to see.

The doctor said it was probably the pepper spray but I’m seeking a second opinion.

What do you call a person who sprays deodorant at people and chokes them?

An axe murderer

When Hiking Near Bears. [long]

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows...

What do you call a febreeze spraying ant?

Deodorant

I met a girl who wanted to make love under a light spray of water, but I said no.

Looking back, I realize it was a mist opportunity.

My boss asked me why I was spraying my mouse with WD40

I told him it wouldn’t stop squeaking

I ground up the stems of some plants to spray all over the lisp convention next week.

They're gonna be pithed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

Ferrari hires some new employees

On Tuesday, Ferrari handed over the final pay-outs to its entire depot team and hired a group of young unemployed Somali men living near a road known as the Mogadishu area of ​​Helsinki. Ferrari's management team made its decision after seeing a document showing how these young people from Helsinki...

A classic Canadian Joke.

A Mainlander is driving down the highway and runs over a rabbit. Wondering what noise was, he stops his car and gets out to look. While he's standing there a newfie pulls up and asks him what's going on.

The mainlander says, "I'm just here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

Just tried to kill a roach with Axe body spray.

Now it’s name is Brett, and he won’t shut up about CrossFit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scene in the bar

A man walks into the bar and bets the bartender 20$ that he could bite his eyes with his teeth. Seeing an easy opportunity to earn money, he accepted the deal. The man took out his glass eye and bit it.
The bartender reluctantly hands over the money. Though the man gives him another chance to wi...

I have a friend who once sneezed while snorting coke, and sprayed it all over his goatee.

He immediately went and shaved the goatee off.

When he came back, I asked him why he'd shaved it.

**"Because you dont get high off your own 'stache"**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you get a spray tan for Hannukah

you make orange Jews

How do skunks know who to spray and who not to spray?

Instink

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

What does a rusty can of spray-on rust remover smell like?

Irony.

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."

The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the ...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today. Sprayed it all over myself.

I still can't fucking fly.

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

I would hate to see a diarrhea outbreak.

Everyone's gonna take all the nasal spray from every store

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

In avengers endgame when Thor cuts off thanos' head with an axe some blood hits nebula.

I guess you could she's covered in axe body spray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the feminine hygiene spray SSY?

It takes the PU out of pussy.

I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat.

I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to...

I just got arrested for buying bug spray at a store

Apparently you're not allowed to get Off in public

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax Spray n’ Wipe, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

Mike walked into a Post Office just before Valentine’s Day

He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got...

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My husband is a pharmacist and he told me there is a Viagra nasal spray.

Apparently it's for dickheads.

Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?

He's now a seasoned veteran.






Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

I'm going to start selling fancy toilet spray

I'll call it Chanel No. 2

Some people bring pepper spray for self protection. Others carry a gun.

I bring Goo-Gone for sticky situations.

I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed

I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

A little Boy and his Grandpa are walking in the Garden...

A little boy and his grandpa are walking in the garden when the boy sees a worm on the lawn. ‘Grandpa,' he says, I bet you $5 I can stick that worm back down its hole.' ‘That's impossible,’ replies Grandpa. It’s too soft and wiggly to push back in the ground.' The little boy runs inside, gets a can ...

How to deal with black bears and brown bears when hiking.

1. Always wear bells to warn the bears you are coming and not startle them into a charge.
2. Always carry bear mace and spray it in the air towards the bear because they have sensitive noses.
3. Always inspect bear droppings to tell what kind of bears are nearby. Black bear droppings mostly ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

I bought a spray used for destroying a particular pasta sauce.

It's a pestocide.

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by trying to kill a spider with axe body spray.

Now his name is chad and he's fucking all the girl spiders in my house.

Fun fact: taking a can of bug spray to my phone will delete half my music library

by killing all of The Beatles

The rabbit

A man was driving on a back country road as he usually did coming home from work. The February weather was quite cold, but in the distance he saw a car on the side of the road. As he got closer he noticed a woman, however she didn't look hurt, and the car was parked nicely. Puzzled why she was outsi...

A rabbit crosses an intersection and gets hit by a car,killing it instantly...

An animal lover,concerned about the well being of the rabbit,gets out of her car and rushes over to the rabbit,takes it's pulse,and immediately grabs a can out of her purse.She sprays it on the rabbit and instantly the recent roadkill jumps back to life,hops three times and waves,hops three times a...

Just Post Malone things

Q: What did Post Malone eat for breakfast?
A: Toast Malone

Q: What did Post Malone spray on before he left the house?
A: Post Cologne

Q: what do you call it when Post Malone invites you to his house?
A: Host Malone

Q: what do you call post-pubertal post Malone?
A:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to cry during sex

but now pepper spray doesn't really effect me anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. LONG. A couple of fleas were hanging out at a bar..

A couple of fleas, Frank and Pete, were hanging out at a bar by the beach. Frank asks Pete how are things going, to which Pete says

“Not great man. I found this dog in the street a few days ago and things were great...for a while. Plenty to eat, nice and warm, but I feel asleep and got woken...

Police are pepper spraying protesters at the Inauguration today.

I don't know if that is to hurt them, or just give them all Orange Face?

Did you hear about the flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage?

It was a murder most foul.

I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.

Now he'll never have any friends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler walks into a bar...

He sits down, orders a beer and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks what brings him to town. The gambler says “I make my living going around gambling on things.” “Like on sports?” Asks the bartender. The gambler replies “No, I bet on anything and I never lose any money... ...

TIFU by spraying water on a topless model

Now all the seats are wet

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.