I was about to stitch up her wound, but she insisted she do it herself.

"Fine," i said. "Suture self."

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What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?

An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.

What's the difference between a man with multiple stab wounds and a knife juggler?

Practice.

I had a few too many drinks in a restaurant the other night, went to the bathroom and wound up accidentally peeing in the sink instead of the urinal..

At least I think I did. It was hard to concentrate with all those angry women yelling at me.

I turned in my doctor for corruption charges when he wouldn't treat my open wound.

He was a good guy but I had no choice. I was losing blood fast and only

"snitches get stitches".

It took so much time to get to the library, and I wound up taking a nap anyway

tl;dr Too long, didn't read

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Son: "What's that Daddy?" (*pointing at Mummy getting out of the shower*)...

Daddy: "That's where mummy was hit by an axe, that's her axe wound."

Son: "Wow, bloody good shot, got her right in the cunt."

A German sausage was found dead this morning with 27 stab wounds covering its body

Police say it is the wurst murder they've ever seen

A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would ...

Where did the stalker go when he took multiple gunshot wounds to the abdomen?

The ICU

I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound

My friend looked up and said "holy cow"

Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

A guy was found dead with ten stab wounds in his stomach.

Somebody really hated his guts.

I told my suicidal friend that time heals all wounds, and he agreed with me.

His body was later found at the bottom of Big Ben.

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A man goes to a hospital with a wound in his groin.

The doctor asks him "Whoa, what happened to you?"
The man says "I was taking a class for gun safety. I've never used a gun before and wanted to learn how to properly use one. It didn't go over well."
The doctor asks "I can see that! Well, what happened? Did someone else misfire?"
The man sa...

Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle.

“Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”

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My Therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds".....

So, I stabbed him. Now we wait.

They just found a Black guy hanging from a tree with 79 stab wounds in Alabama....

The police say it's the worst case of suicide they've ever seen

A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them.

He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"

Back off, doc. I'll close this wound.

Suture self.

How many blood hungry vampires does it take to dress a wound?

The answer's irrelevant as they all suck at it anyway.

Why do those with open wounds deserve love the most?

Because they're going to need a suture soon!

Why shouldn't you protest wound treatment?

It won't get better if you picket it.

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

Why did Epstein hang himself?

Bc a gunshot wound would’ve been too suspicious.

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A family is getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

Little Timmy sees his dad shaving. While shaving his dad cuts himself and says "shit"

Little Timmy "Dad what's shit mean"

Dad "It's just another word for shaving"

Little Timmy heads upstairs and sees his Brother and Sister fighting. His Brother calls his sister a Bitch and his S...

A Doctor is running errands around town when a mugger with a knife stabs and robs him...

A bystander runs up to the injured Doctor and says:

"You're bleeding out, let me stitch your wound"

to which the Doctor says "I'm a Medical Professional, I can handle it alone"

"Fine, suture self"

Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning...

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A man walks into a bar. A sign above the bar says “Complete the challenge, win $500.”

Curious, he asks the bartender about the sign. The bartender says, “It’s simple, drink that bottle of habañero vodka, go out back and extract a bad tooth from an angry alligator and then go upstairs and give an orgasm to a woman who’s never had one.”

The man thinks about and decides he has be...

A man is at a doctor's office

"Alright, this ones an antidepressant, this ones a painkiller, this one is anti infection, and take this one every day for the wound to heal faster. I also recommend taking this with the rest of them, it's easier that way."

"Doctor, do you have anything other than vodka?"

I really hate how close the ‘i’ and the ‘o’ are on a keyboard...

I could really care less that a Pirn is a rod onto which weft thread is wound for use in weaving.

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Robin Hucking

I once knew a guy named Robin. Robin Hucking. Yes, Robin. He hated his name. Everyone called him Hucking, or Huck.



Great guy. Best friend I ever had. Right up to the day he died.



Hucking did have one problem. He was a high rise construction worker with a bad case of acr...

Old lady calls 911.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Old Lady: I need to know the location of my heart.
Operator: Ma'am that's not an emergency. But it's below your left breast.
Old Lady: Thank you. (Hangs Up)

20 minutes later.
Phone rings.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Young...

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His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.

The whole week that she visited, she ...

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A young boy walks in on his sister masturbating with a vibrator.

Innocent and confused about the anatomy, he asks, "What are you doing? Where is your penis?"



Not wanting to explain the real stuff, the sister replied, "I lost mine in an accident. I was just massaging the wound. "



The boy says, "You should learn from mom. She keeps her...

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.

Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

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Three guys are sitting around the campfire...

...exchanging their worst experiences. The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

The second guy says t...

A pervert was cruising the neighborhood in his van one afternoon when he saw a little boy playing in a cubby house in a front yard.

He wound down his window and said "Hey little boy, if I give you a candy, will you let me come inside your cubby house?" to which the boy replied "If you give me the whole packet you can come inside my mouth!"

The killing of Julius Caesar is a perfect example of group project. 60 dudes agreed to kill Caesar

But there were only 23 stab wounds

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial. The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.

"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"

"No," replied the examiner.

"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's ...

sea

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
When your eyes glass over and shine like you’ve broken your spine, that’s a moray.
The ambulance bells will ring, and they’ll ting
And you’ll siiiiing
“That’s a moray”
When the jaws open wide and there’s more teeth ...

A nurse met with an accident

... and was brought to the hospital. Her injuries are not severe, but the surgeon opts for general anesthesia anyway. Just as he was about to complete the minor surgery, the patient wakes up, in shock, and would like to know what is going on.


“I’m just about to close the nasty gash,” the ...

I got into a fight in the drug store and they threw a bottle of Omega 3 at me.

Luckily my wounds were only super fish oil.

After I fell down and cut my knee, a friend said I should use a sodium chloride solution to make it heal faster

It was really rubbing salt in the wound

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

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Good old number 367

Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they go in, St. Peter asks them how did they die. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "Well I've suspected for a while that my wife had been cheating on me with another man so I came home early from work on purpose. When I g...

Don't Swear At Other Drivers!

Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way.  Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig'.  The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie.  Then his car hit the pig.

A doctor has a friend, who one day admits he has recently become a vampire...

Having been friends since childhood, the doctor does not immediately dismiss the vampire. Instead, he offers to help.

“I have access to the blood bank at the hospital. If I fudge a few numbers I can sneak some out to help keep you fed, without hurting anyone”

The vampire thanks him an...

A man works at an Aquarium

Technically it was a zoo/aquarium, but they got more people coming in for their aquatic animals, so they called it an aquarium.

Most notably among those, were their seals. The seals had been taught to do tricks at another aquarium before they'd been moved over. But at the time the aquarium ha...

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My dog disgraced himself by escaping and bringing home next doors rabbit.

It was very dead and covered in dirt but I couldn't see any wound so I thought I might just be able to get away without confessing. So I quickly washed and blow dried the deceased bunny, snuck round the fence and popped bun back in its hutch, all snuggled up looking in its straw so it looked just l...

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Billy Bob and Joe Junior are out hunting.

A rattle snake bites Joe Junior on the dick.



So Billy Bob phones 911. He says "Help me please. My friend has been bitten by a rattle snake."

The operator says "Okay. What I need you to do is put your mouth on the wound and suck out the poison."

So Joe Junior says "What...

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NSFW - a little boy walks into the bathroom while mum is in the bath...

"Mum, what's that between your legs?"

"Well darling, that's my axe wound, I got hit with an axe."

The little boy ponders this for a minute.

"What are the chances ? It hit you right in the cunt!"

I knew that Achilles would die eventually

After all, time wounds all heels.

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago,

when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate: 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which t...

Two friends are out hunting together...

While they're out, one of them gets attacked by a bear. The other one shoots the bear and it runs away. The one who shot the bear sees his friend on the ground covered in wounds from the bear and calls 911.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"I think my friend is dead, he was just mauled b...

A large college class was taking a timed final exam...

As time wound down, the prof counted down, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 1 minute... put down your pencils.

As all the other students walk up and lay their tests down on the profs desk, one student in the front row kept writing.

The prof said, " put down your pencil."

The stude...

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The Promotion (long)

“Spend $100 or more and get a free 20 pound or less frozen turkey, while supplies last.

That was the promotion our store ran every Thanksgiving for the last 17 years. Well, for as long as I’ve been here, that is.

But not this year

This year, we’re not running a promotion. I real...

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried i...

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A man is on a private safari in the middle of the desert.

It is just him and a guide. They’re speeding along in a car, looking out for wild animals. Suddenly, the man desperately needs to pee, and so they stop at an oasis for him to relieve himself.

As he’s peeing, he is distracted by a herd of beasts in the distance, As he is gazing off to the sid...

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I met a beautiful girl down at the park today

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having sex right then and there!

Gosh I love my new taser

At the hospital on the battlefield

A severely wounded General was carried in. The doctor immediately started operate on the general in attempt to save his life.

During the surgery, the nurse had an uncanny face and acted odd. All of a sudden, the nurse took out a knife and stabbed the doctor. While crying, the nurse said, "I'...

I wonder why thyme isn’t used in medicine.

It’s supposed to heal all wounds.

A guy walks into a bar

With both arms and a leg broken, a concussion and multiple wounds all over his body.
As he joins his friends at the table one of them asks:
-“Dude what happen to you?! You look terrible”
-“You’ll never believe it” he said. “See this broken leg? A bear did this!!”
“Wow, and your arms an...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

A plane crashes in the Australian desert, and an American tourist is the only survivor...

He survives in the desert for days with severe injuries before being discovered by locals and brought to a small community hospital. Relieved at his good fortune, he passes out until the next day.

When he wakes up, he sees that his wounds have become infected, he is connected to multiple mach...

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

 

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

Hey dad, how did you meet mom?

“Well son I was at a party and someone bet me to jump off the roof, next thing I know there was a beautiful nurse tending to my wound”
“Oh so that was mom”
“No, your mom was the one I landed on”

A man showed up at work Monday morning with a black eye and a bandage on his head...

His coworkers asked what happened and he told them he had a golf injury. They couldn't understand how such a thing could happen playing golf.

"Well," he explained, "I shot off the 5th tee and hooked it right into the rough, where the ball then wound up in a pasture. I was walking all around s...

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How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I ...

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Two bikers

Two bikers are riding along the route 66 when one of them has to take a piss. So he goes to a bush on the side of the road and does his business, when all of a sudden a snake bites his junk. Alerted from the screams of his friend, the other biker runs to him and asks him what's wrong. Thankfully he ...

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A new STD I had never heard about

Bobby and Ginger were making passionate love in Bobby’s mini van when suddenly Ginger, not at all shy, yelled out ''Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!''

Bobby, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the win...

A pirate joke:

A pirate ship is sailing the sea when suddenly 2 British ships surround it. The captain shouts "bring me my red shirt" the pirates win and continue sailing

Later, 5 British ships surround the pirates ship. The captain yells again "bring me my red shirt" the fight is tough but the pirates win....

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[NSFW] Three sailors are on shore leave...

... and after a night of drinking are pretty wound up.

However before long they get word of a prostitute that gives legendary blow jobs and will also sing.

It doesn’t take long for them to find her and through a slit in the door she tells them,

“Only one man at a time and it mus...

On a recent trip to New York the Pope saw the most beautiful red car...

As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.

"No, no!" exclaimed the Pope, "I couldn't possibly!"

The driver wouldn't take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they we...

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of his office...

... ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the drivers side. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions...

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergen...

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Two men are out golfing one day and one decides to take a piss...

... the other man waits patiently, waiting for his friend to return from the bushes. All the sudden, he hears his friend yelp followed by his friend dashing from the bushes.

The man who was waiting started to freak out and asked his friend what had happened.

His friend responded with "...

A Tourist is Trudging Through Australia's Desert

A tourist is trudging through Australia’s Great Victoria Desert. …

He’s completely lost, and he’s quickly running out of water. His vision is rather impaired, and he can tell that he’s only got a few more hours before he’ll pass out.

Suddenly, he accidentally steps on a rattlesnake! Be...

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I have an idea for a knockoff brand of headphones.

Beats, by Chris Brown

In available colors

* Blood red

* Teardrop blue

* Loose tooth white

* Bruise purple

* Open wound pink

* Unconcious black

* Pissed myself yellow

* Morphine clear

* Chris BROWN

Prices so low you will be ...

Fellowship of the ring

As the fellowship of the ring was being formed Bilbo had been eavisdropping outside of the meeting, not being able to help his curiosity.
He had heard young Frodo take upon himself the burden of the ring, Sam, Merry and Pippin joining him on the foolish quest. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and Boromir ...

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Satan greets a man tthat's arrived in Hell.

Hey there, I'm Satan, the dark Lord. As you can see, we have three doors. You pick one, I reveal what's behind the door, and that's your punishment for the next 100 years. But since I'm feeling generous, I'll show you what's behind the doors before you guess.

Satan unveils the first and it's ...

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a burden to some...

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A man walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender: "What do I have to do to drink for free here for the rest of my life?". The bartenders says: "Alright, if you do three things for me, I'll give you everything you can drink for the rest of your life! First you must drink three pints of whiskey in one minute. After this you mus...

Two men are stranded on an island

One day one of them smells bacon. He tells the other it must be a bacon tree.

The second man tells him no such thing exists, so the first man goes on a journey to find it and prove him wrong.

Days later, he arrives back to the same spot on the island bruised, with an arrow in his che...

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3 men are wandering trough a desert.

3 men are wandering lost and hungry through a desert.
They've all but given up hope to make it out alive when they stumble upon a golden lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up and start rubbing the sand off of it. As the last grain of sand falls off the lamp a magical genie appears and with ...

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3 men are drinking at a bar when a drunk wanders in...

He staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best fuck in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same g...

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Son, you ain't catchin' nothin'

One morning, as the old man is sitting on his porch, sippin' shine and smoking his pipe he sees the young boy from up the road carrying a huge roll of wire, walking down the road.

>Hey, boy! Where you goin with all that wire there?

>This ain't just wire, mister. This here's chic...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

Someone hit me in the head with a bottle of omega 3 tablets the other day.

It's OK, it was just a super fish oil wound

What’s more memorable than a passionate kiss?

A stab wound

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

“Miss Fitzgerald”, he said sternly. “This is no place for a membe...

A doctor walks up to his girlfriend...

He says, “We’re breaking up!” He then proceeds to insult her.

“Why are you being so rude?” She asks, hurt.

“In medicine, you always burn a wound to make sure it never opens again,” He replies.

An elderly woman wants to join her husband of 60 years after he died two weeks ago.

She finds his old revolver, and calls the doctor. The doctor, having been the family practitioner for nearly their whole marriage, knows the woman is ready to go. So when she asks him how to end it all quickly with as little pain as possible, he tells her “one bullet, straight to the heart, directly...

My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head

Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil

Wooden leg woes.

A man lost a leg in the war, and of course, walked with a limp . But he was afraid that it would limit his possibilities for finding a wife, and also, for finding work, if people knew he had a wooden leg, so he never made a full disclosure about his injury, and he just explained his limp by saying i...

Jesus is wandering through the desert

Jesus is wandering through the desert, desperately seeking his father. It has been 40 days and 40 nights since he last rested or had a meal and he is exhausted.

Just as he thinks he can't take it any more, he sees a figure on the distant horizon. He manages to summon up the energy to stumble ...

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An American, a Mexican, and a Canadian are all shipwrecked on a tropical island..

When they are taken captive by the local tribe. The tribal lead tells them "the bad news is, we are going to kill you. We will use your bones for our tools, your muscle for food, and your flesh for our canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how we kill you.

The American chooses to ...

A Man walkes into a bar...

He orders a drink and get's aware of a bucket full of gold nuggets standing behind the barman. He askes him about that. He replies:

"Well you can win this bucket, by fulfilling three tasks:

At first I gonna give you a full pint of whiskey and you have to drink it all by one.
Seco...

Once there was a friar named John

John was a simple man who only wanted to plant flowers. But most people did not care about John's flowers. They would step on them, ride horses over them, and do many other horrible things to poor John's flowers. One day, a child let his dog relieve himself in the flowers, and that was the final str...

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Butch, Jimmy, and Joe go on a camping trip.

Butch and Jimmy are collecting firewood when out of nowhere, a venomous snake bites Jimmy on the tip of his penis.

Jimmy: "I'm bit! It got my penis - oh my god, what do I do?!"

Butch: "Joe will know what to do! I'll go ask him!"

Butch rushes back to their campsite and finds Joe...

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm an...

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<...

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An army private was at a urinal....

An army private was at a urinal minding his own business when his corporal walked into the bathroom and stood at the urinal next to him.

Without meaning to he looked down and saw the corporal was pissing two streams of liquid instead of just the one. "Pardon me corporal, but what's going on d...

If you break your leg... put some herbs on it.

I mean, thyme heals all wounds.

You know what they say about herbal medicine...

Thyme heals all wounds.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Dr: Ma'am, im sorry to tell you this

Dr: But from now on, you'd have to feed your husband and be with him everyday. Because of the severity of his wounds from the accident, we had to cut off his arms and legs.

Wife: Oh my God what happened?!

Dr: Haha, got ya! Im just kidding, you dont have to do those things, he's dead.

Circumcision Joke [nsfw]

A mohel (for those who don't know, a mohel/moyel/mohil is a Jewish person trained as a circumciser for the bris) is about to retire and calls his friend in to tell him the news. His friend said "Why that's wonderful news, you've spent many a year behind the knife, I bet you'll be glad to retire." ...

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