Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From a well, actually.

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

Children are 70% water.

I can walk on children, this means I am 70% Jesus; and 100% in jail.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard because

I just got laid last night.

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

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My wife laid in bed. I walked in the bedroom handing her a glass of water and an aspirin...

"Thanks, but I don't have a headache," she said.


"Well," I said, "let's have sex, then."

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

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A king has two full glasses of water and one empty glass. What is his name?

King Phillip the Third.

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Why does Joey eat his cereal with water?

Cause his dad never came back with the milk.

What do you call a girl that can float on water?

Boyn't

I took my dog to the water park,

Staff said it went against regulation, but...

This time they'd let it slide.

What did Bear Grylls tell himself when he ran out of water?

Urine trouble!

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What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water?

A basic bitch.

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water.
Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replies "No."
With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine.
"Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes in...

Man: Where should I begin my search for water?

Friend: Well to start with

Someone asked me to name two things that hold water.

And I was like, well dam.

My friend fell sick because he couldn't pay his water bills....

I hope he gets Well soon!

I think I'm addicted to water

I feel like I'll die if I don't have it

What do you call an empty watering can?

A watering can't.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his Tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?

You have been germinated.

My friend just told me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water".

I know he means well

Goodbye Boiling Water!

You will be mist

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

This is how u make holy water:

U take the water, and boil the hell out of it

You can lead a horse to water

But it can still say "neigh"

My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.

damn girl are you chinese water torture

because this drip is driving me insane

Have you ever stopped and realized drinking water through a straw is . . .

the opposite of snorkeling.

Jesus becomes a bartender. Man says hey you SOB I ordered a beer but you just gave me water.

I told you I could turn water into whine.

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

And Jesus says to his followers, ¨I will turn this water into wine.¨

And the guy says, ¨Sir, this is a rehab center.¨

Me next door neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

Most people don’t believe me, but I can promise you that I made clothing from frozen water.

Ice wear.

What did Matthew McConaughey say when the waiter asked him if he wanted ice in his water?

“It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”

If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.

There's too much risk of cross contamination.

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?...

...

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours.

and made a laughing stock.

A know a couple of friends who dug a really deep hole, only to find water

They really struggled, but in the end all was well.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

What's the chemical structure of Holy Water?

H2OMG

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

Today I dug a two-foot-wide hole all the way down to the water table.

It was well boring.

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

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I work at a waste water plant.

And let me tell you, I've seen some shit.

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fall forward they fall into the boat.

Water is heavier than butane because...

Butane is a lighter fluid.

Justice is a dish best served cold...

If it were served warm, it would be just water.

Made holy water while making my tea yesterday

I just boiled the hell out of it

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later, "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll h...

I told a man water can make everything grow

He threw his drink at me and said “Grow up”.

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Dark humour is like clean water

Not everyone gets it.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.
I love supporting the community.

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A monkey is smoking a joint on a tree..

..a lizard comes by and asks: "monkey why are your eyes so red?", monkey replies: "i'm smoking a joint, do you want some?". Confused lizard asks: "i don't know, what's a joint?" Monkey says to him to come up to tree and he'll show him. After two joints they are both waisted and the lizard complains ...

Did you hear about the man who could moonwalk on water?

Jeheeheesus

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his ...

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

A man brought his chemist friend to the bar for a drink with the other friends. When asked what he wanted, the chemist decided that since she's the designated driver, she'll order water. "I'll have some H20, please!" the chemist said, with the man replying "I'll have some H20 too!"

The man died of ingesting hydrogen peroxide.

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

Why is water polo the most dangerous sport?

Because the horses can't swim

Rest in peace to the water I just boiled.

It will be mist.

A deer enters a bar...

A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."

The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"

The deer replied, "Well I c...

What's yellow and under the water?

A taxi!


Wasn't funny for you?

Neither it was for the driver

An englishman, frenchmen, and spaniard were racing their cats on a paper boat in the water

They each name their cat the same in each language. The Englishman names his cat "One Two Three". The Frenchman names his "Un deux Trois". The Spaniard names his "Uno dos tres". The race begins, and Uno dos tres wins, with one two three at second place. The Frenchman's cat is nowhere to be found. Af...

A Republican and a Democrat found a magic lamp

The genie said "I will grant one wish per person". The Republican immediately jumped forward and said "I wish all Republicans and conservatives had their own planet, separate from all these libs." The genie nodded and the Republican vanished. The Democrat then asked "Are they all on their own planet...

Why did the pervert buy 16.5 pints of water?

2 gals 1 cup

Why did the water jump into the freezer?

Because it caught coronavirus and had to self ice-olate!

(made up by my 7 year old!)

Three guys are driving through the desert in an old Jeep when it breaks down 50 miles from the nearest watering hole.

Guy 1 claims “it’s only 50 miles to water, grab what we need to protect us from the heat and let’s walk” he gathers up a water container and car seat blanket and sets off.

Guy 2 thinks for a while and then decides to follow, so he grabs an old umbrella from the trunk and follows guy 1, please...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

Gordon Ramsay gets served a glass of ice water and he chucks it straight at the waiter’s face.

The ice wasn’t fresh, it was frozen.

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

Which large body of water is the most envious?

The Jealousy

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

can someone please tell me where the land meets the water

geographer: shore

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

A poem

A fisher was fishing a bass

The water came up to his knee.



Strange, it rhymed this morning when there was high tide.

Lawyer Joke

A man is visiting a seaside town and walks into a pawn shop. He sees a large statue of a rat. “How much for the rat statue?” he asks. The pawnbroker responds, “It’s $10 for the statue, but $20 if you want the story that goes with it,” to which the customer replied, “I only want the statue.”

H...

“Dad, can I have a glass of water?”

Son: “Dad can you get me some water?”

Dad: “Ok son”

Son: “ Can I have another?”

Dad: “Why?”

Son: “I need it”

Dad: “Fine son”

Son: “Can I have another?”

Dad: “Son why do you keep asking? That’s your 3rd glass”

Son: “Well, my room is still on fir...

Outraged by a more than doubling of our city's water rates, my neighbor said he is uninstalling city water service from his home.

I advised him against doing this, and wished him well.

If H20 is water and H202 is Hydrogen Peroxide, what is H204?

Drinking

What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?

A phlebotanist

You might be a redneck....

....if you've ever had to climb a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.

Moses, Jesus and the Old Man

One day, Moses, Jesus and a old man were playing golf. They got to a water hole, and Moses was up to tee off first. So, he took his shot, and it landed squarely in the water. But Moses parted the water, took another shot, and landed next to the cup.
Jesus was up next, and his shot ended up ...

If your sparkling water loses it's bubbles, that's ok...

It's still water.

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the pearly gates.

There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks the first nun:

"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister replies:
"Yes, with the tip of my finger"

"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and in you go"

The next sister approached St Peter and He made the s...

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity

What do you get when you cross a water buffalo with a firetruck?

steamed beef

I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water.

The alternative is still water.

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" mixed up

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

Ok, this isn't a great joke, but...

So a boy has been getting dropped off at his grandpa's house after school because of his parents' work schedule. The grandpa makes the boy dinner everyday and at one point the boy notices some crust on the plate.

He asks his grandpa "Why is there crust on my plate?" To which grandpa replies "...

What do you call a fast salt water fish?

Efficiency

What do you call a soldier that's dead in the water?

Marine Corps

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