I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water

I responded "Well, dam"

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.

So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A plane emergency landed in the water, no one is willing to go on the life boat

The flight attendant then asks the captain what to do. The captain replied,

Tell the Americans that it is an "adventure"

Tell the English that it is a "honour"

Tell the French that it is "romantic"

Tell the German that it is "law"

Tell the Japanese that it is an "o...

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.

In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.

John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to ...

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

I like my water like I like my emotions.

Bottled

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

Dark humor is just like clean water

Not everyone gets it

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

It's impressive that Jesus can turn water in to wine

but did you know that Adam can turn water in to electricity

What happens when water trips over?

Waterfall

Why did the blind woman fall into the water hole

She couldn't see that well

Do trans girls float in water?

After all, they are boy’nt

Rest in peace, boiling water.

You will be mist.

If you want your water bed to be more bouncy...

Use spring water.

Why did the blonde return her water skis?

She couldn't find a lake with a slope.

The ‘w’ in Africa stands for water

There is none

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

What does an immigrant like in their water, but not at their door?

ICE

Why do dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did dinosaurs have sex in water?

You try keeping a ten ton pussy wet.

A priest is stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food, water, or any form of communication.

This priest is praying to God, asking to be saved. Shortly after, a boat comes along and the captain stops to see if he can help the priest.

"Do you need help, sir?" Asked the captain.

"No, God will save me." Replied the priest determined that such was true.

"Alright." Said th...

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen Hawking could run on batteries

R.I.P Boiled Water...

It will be mist.

An man sets his old hot water tank out as garbage.

The next morning the garbage men ignore it. So the next week he sets it out again but in front on his bins this time. The garbage men grab the trash behind it and leave the hot water tank. The next week he puts a sign on it that says "Take this". So the garbage men take the sign and leave the tank. ...

I met a girl who wanted to make love under a light spray of water, but I said no.

Looking back, I realize it was a mist opportunity.

What do you call a guy with no arms & legs floating in the water?

Dead, definitely dead.

I met a guy whose job was to find new solutions to decrease the density of water transport.

I was like, hey, whatever floats your boat, man.

Did you hear about the guy that fell into the big hole in the ground with water at the bootom?

He couldn't see that well

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

Imagine a world where ducks reign supreme, one of the jobs is that some of the ducks have to pay water to the towns. What is the job called?

An aquaduck(t).

How do you make a baby float in water?

Take your foot off the back of its head

You can lead a horse to water

...and you can now make him drink thanks to modern science!


Hi Billy Mays here to tell you about a joke that's front page material!
I'm not asking for 30,000 upvotes, I'm asking for $19.99 + shipping and handling.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!
CLICK NOW AND WE'LL DOUBLE YOUR KAR...

Were did Soviet horses get their water?

The Troughsky

I just saw some idiot at the gym

he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

What is the chemical structure for Holy Water?

H2OMG

*Gordon Ramsey drinks water*

Gordon: it's DRY

Bruce Lee: “flow like water, you understand”

Me: “water you saying?”

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!


I’ll probably get hate for this one but I swear it’s the only one I know.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey's Water

Gordon Ramsey walks in

Chef: Would you like some Ice water chef?

Gordon Ramsey: is the Ice fresh

Chef: it's frozen

FUCKEN EL

Numerous people in Africa are falling ill due to a lack of clean water above ground

I hope they 'get well soon.'

You can lead a horse to water

But you can't drink a horse

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?

H2O cubed

What do you get when you pour scalding water in a rabbit hole?

A hot, cross, bunny.

Did you know that Canada has a real hard water problem?

Most of the time, it’s frozen.

What does JFK’s brain and the Flint water pipes have in common?

They both have lead passing through

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

If jesus can walk on water,

Can he swim on land?


-BoBurnham

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

A teacher asked a student what is the formula for water?

The student replied it’s H I J K L M N O
The teacher scolds the student
The student argues that he is right because the teacher had said it’s H to O

There’s a group of kids outside my house having a water fight, I’ve decided I’m going to go and join them

I’m just chilling on reddit waiting for the kettle to boil

Im getting really good at mixing boiling water and leaves together

I've got it down to a T

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

Beavers get a lot of flak for building their shelters and blocking water ways-

But they are Damed if they do, and Damned if they don't

What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

What do you call an insane water creature?

Crayfish!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate put my hand in warm water when I was sleeping

He really took the piss out of me

Two bears are swimming in water, a black bear and a white bear. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar.

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

How do you get 1 billion followers

Run around Africa with a water bottle

How much is a bottled water?

*Le* quid

While Roger Waters

Robert Plants

A programmer goes to bed and puts two glasses next to him. One - with water, if he feels thirsty

One - without, if he does not.

Considering that Jesus Christ was able to make wine from water

and the fact that I can make water from wine,
does it make me Antichrist?

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight

I’m just checking reddit quickly before the kettle boils

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishm...

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wi...

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