Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

My friend asked me if I could name two different structures that hold water.

I said, "Well, dam..."

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

If a man is 80% water ...

Does that mean if I walk on a man I’m 80% Jesus

My friend can't afford his water bill...

So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.

I asked my friend how to spell water.

Friend: HIJKLMNO

Me: umm ok, that doesnt sound right.

Friend: yeah bruh...H to O.

Bought a pen the other day that can write under water

It can write other words too

How can dogs float in water?

Because they're good buoys.

You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling?

Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

You know you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl ant by putting it in water?

If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A cherry on a float.

What did the beaver say when he slipped in water?

Dammit.

Too much water!

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-
blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have...

What do you call a dog floating in water?

A good buoy

Had a weird dream last night, it was about the ocean but the water was soda

It was all just a Fanta Sea

What do you call water that’s impossible to freeze?

Noticeable.

During my interview today i poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer

I simply replied, “No I just always give 110%”

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.

Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d fall into the boat.

Water and heat walk into a bar...

It was steamy..

"Sorry about all that ice I spilled in your kitchen earlier", my friend said.

I told him, "Don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

Popcorn, ice, sand, water

is my bucket list. What's yours?

Why did the hipster empty water from an ice cube tray into his drink?

He liked ice before it was cool

Why does the water hate the land?

Because it’s a beach

Tanya

If your Cell Phone is water damaged, try submerging it in rice overnight.

This should attract Asians, who will fix it.

Why can't water do math?

its a solven't

R/jokes I started a business using giant yoyo’s to get water out of deep holes.

It has its ups and downs but it’s going well.

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

There are three different types of bodies of water on the earth

A: lakes, B: man-made reservoirs, and C

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

If western water have swordfish, when what do eastern waters have?

Ka*tuna*

Rest in peace, dense water vapour.

You will be mist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

I pull up at a gas station in broadway to get a water

As I got out—now I can't make this up—I noticed 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas. I saw her and thought that this lady must be stupid, crazy, or both.

I continued to go inside and got my water. As I was paying for it, I heard someone screaming. I looked outside a...

What do you call it when a seagull wants to do something by the end of the day in the water?

Sea goal

What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?

An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.

A few years back I bought the wife a water bed for her birthday!

But sadly, we drifted apart...

I once tricked a cop by pointing my water gun at him.

\- Sent from ADX Florence

Finally found a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I work at a clock tower, using a long straw to remove water that accumulates behind the glass so the giant clock face doesn't rust.

The pay is good, but the work sucks big time.

There's too much water flowing in from the river...

Dam it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and Frank are standing by the water cooler...

(A quick note: my Dad's health has severely declined the past year. Over those months this sub has been my go-to source for something that would bring at least some glimmer of amusement and mirth to what have been some terrible days for him. He died a few days ago and I wanted to say thank you for...

My friend took me water skiing behind his boat.

When I fell, my foot got caught in the line and he thought it would be funny to drag me around like that for a few minutes.

With friends like that, who needs enemas?

If watermelon has water in it...

Then what does a kumquat have?

I recently got water in my ear while swimming

The feeling was quite ear-ittating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy had spent many days crossing the Montana prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst.

He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it a...

Why do fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.

In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.

John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to ...

Dark humour is like clean water

Not everyone gets it

Two chemists was into a bar

Chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O please.

Chemist 2: I’ll have some water too

Chemist 1: *walks away frustrated that his assassination attempt failed*

What do you call it when people try to make you to build a a platform supported on pillars or girders leading out from the shore into a body of water, used as a landing stage for boats even though you don’t want to?

Pier pressure

What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?

Hot Cross Bunnies!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane emergency landed in the water, no one is willing to go on the life boat

The flight attendant then asks the captain what to do. The captain replied,

Tell the Americans that it is an "adventure"

Tell the English that it is a "honour"

Tell the French that it is "romantic"

Tell the German that it is "law"

Tell the Japanese that it is an "o...

What did the water filled ice tray say to the the freezer?

Hey buddy!
Do me a solid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

I’m in Britain and I have a friend in America. He keeps telling me he identifies as a large body of water.

He’s transatlantic.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

You know how when you are cooking a really nice steak, and your mouth starts to water?

Does the same thing happen to vegans when they mow their lawn?

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

What do you call a water slide with cocaine at the end?

A slippery slope

I got expelled for making blueprints for a water slide that goes up one side of my university and down the other.

Maybe I shouldn't have started by saying that I wanted to chute up the school.

I told my friend a joke about water, but he didn’t laugh.

Maybe I just had pour timing.

To make quicksand, all you need is 1 cup of maize cornflour and half a cup of water.

Let that sink in.

R.I.P boiled water

You will be mist

Jesus turns water into wine, everyone admires him and talks about it for 2000 years..

I turn water into sprite at Chipotle, and everyone calls it stealing.

Hey girl are you blocking a water source

Because... Dam.

My original joke on my tinder profile. Idk if this should be on r/dadjokes

I have a deep-seated fear of running water.

Or any liquid with legs really.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a 41 million square mile body of salt water

Im trans-atlantic

If fire and water are both elements, what is steam?

Better than Epic.

Why did the blonde return her water skis?

She couldn't find a lake with a slope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A line of nuns are standing in front of the Bishop, and a large fountain of holy water...

One of the nuns approaches him and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have laid eyes upon a man's penis."
The bishop tells her to absolve herself of her sins by washing her eyes in the holy water before resuming her duties.
Another nun then approaches and says "Forgive me father...

Do trans girls float in water?

After all, they are boy’nt

What did the tied up lobster fear more than boiling water?

Claw-Strophobia

What happens when water trips over?

Waterfall

What do you get when you combine flour, water, sugar, salt, yeast, and animal abuse?

PETA bread.

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen Hawking could run on batteries

The ‘w’ in Africa stands for water

There is none

Why did the blind woman fall into the water hole

She couldn't see that well

I’m like that one stray stream of water from the shower head...

The people who turn me on hate me the most.

Dry humor about water.

So these two guys are in a cabin in the woods by a small pond in Vermont.

One says, "Hey, go fetch some water to drink."

So the other takes a pail and wades out into the pond to get water. He looks up and there is a bear across the pond looking at him and growling!

The guy drops...

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle. The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one. But if he wants to, he can take the cat, which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.

The next day the man goes back to st...

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician all walk into different rooms, each containing a bucket of water and a garbage can that is on fire.

The engineer walks into his room. He sees the fire, then sees the bucket. He immediately grabs the bucket and dumps the whole thing on the fire to put it out.

The physicist walks into his room and sees the fire and bucket. He takes out a sheet of paper and calculates exactly how much water he...

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