UPJOKE
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Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked

The Earth's surface is 70% water.

That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill

So I sent her a "get well soon" card.

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

The earth is 80% water. None of that water is carbonated.

The earth is flat.

RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

What's the difference between Yo Momma and a water buffalo?

About 25 pounds.


How do you change that?


Force-feed the buffalo or shave yo momma.


(I almost feel bad for trotting out a joke older than most Redditors but I can't.)

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

How do you make holy water?

By boiling the hell out of it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man brings two ibuprofen and a glass of water to his wife of 30 years...

"What's this?" She asks.

"It's for your headache." He replies.

"I don't have a headache." She says.

"Oh good! So let's fuck" He replies.

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?

Jesus can make them both wine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

RIP boiling water

You will be mist.

Repost: 9/10 doctors recommend water over soda

1/10 doctors live in flint Michigan

I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water

I responded "Well, dam"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....

If it floats: boy ant.

I woke up late one morning so I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water

I got halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried dipping my balls in holy water and a nun caught me.

I told her I wanted my nuts to feel the power of God, but she said that was sack religious.

During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

I used to have a rare psychological disorder that made me think I was various bodies of water.

I'm well now.

I dream of one day swimming in an ocean of orange carbonated water

It's my Fanta sea.

Why doesn't Water visit Ice?

Because they live in a different state.

What’s the opposite of Holy Water?

Nestle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

Have you heard Justin Timberlake's hit song about his favorite Ukrainian body of water?

The Crimea River

H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.

The cops just called and told me they found my husbands body in the water

I was very concerned as that was not where I’d put it

While sailing, I had trouble navigating the waters between Russia and Alaska.

I couldn't get my bearings straight.

TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water

Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over taking a drink from a water stream

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis t...

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

What do you call a moat with no water in it?

Moot.

Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with.

Verizon Wireless customer service.

A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”

His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the...

You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

Two reasons I don't drink toilet water.

No.1
No.2

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.


When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."


Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished...

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

Don't drink water while studying...

Why?

Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.

Note: My first attempt. Thanks.

What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply?

Pb & J.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water?

Stew

I opened a water bottle today

I guess you could say I decapitated it.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

Dark Humor is like clean water

Everybody should get it but not everybody does.

Why do dogs float in water?

Because they are good bouys.

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

Jesus Christ turned water into wine and got worshiped by millions.

I turned weed into cookies and now I have to wash dishes at an Olive Garden to pay rent.

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

How do you say hello to to water?

Hi drate!

What did the measuring cup say to the water?

I’ve had it up to here with you!!!

What do you call a fish out of water?

Dry!
As told by my 3 year old son.

Jesus walked on water...

And I can't even stand up on good bourbon.

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just
swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the ...

Vegans who drink water disgust me.

That's a Fish's house you filthy Savage.

Why do all vegetables sink when thrown in water?

The wheelchair weighs them down

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

There’s a group of kids outside my house having a water fight, I’ve decided I’m going to go and join them

I’m just chilling on reddit waiting for the kettle to boil

What do you call a dog floating in water?

A good buoy

why didn't the man stop the flowing water?

because he didn't give a dam.

Jesus turns water into wine, everyone admires him and talks about it for 2000 years..

I turn water into sprite at Chipotle, and everyone calls it stealing.

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

Hey, do you remember that 90's boy band which advocated for a way to save water while peeing?

It was called "in sink" or something like that.

Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with wate...

Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.

Therefore 69 is dirty.

Scientists found out that water is toxic.

100% of dead people drank water.

I boiled some noodles in water

It was Pho Nominal

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a Lion goes down to the water hole for a drink...

and a Gorilla hiding in the Jungle thinks it would be funny to run down and fuck the Lion in the ass so the Gorilla does.

And the Lion begins chasing the Gorilla thru the jungle.

The Gorilla runs thru a safari camp and seeing nobody there he runs into a tent and puts on a safari jacket...

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

I made a New Years Resolution to drink more water.

So far I've only gotten as far as Drink More.

Why do British people pronounce a bottle of water so differently?

Because they drank all the T-s.

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

A British trawler is sailing off the coast of Germany when suddenly the ship starts taking in water.

The ship is sinking fast and the captain immediately gets on the radio to contact the German coast guard.

"Help!" he exclaims, "We're sinking! We're sinking!"

A hesistant voice comes from the radio. "Um...v-vot are you sinking about?"

What do you call tonic water with THC in it?

Chronic water.

The kid next door challenged me to a water fight.

I thought I'd post this while the water boils.

I poured some bong water out on a plant, turns out they don’t like weed

Bushes prefer cocaine

A Stormtrooper tried to shoot me with a water gun.

But as usual, he mist.

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