NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his Tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?

You have been germinated.

My friend just told me, "I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water".

I know he means well

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.

What's the best part about a glass of water?

The water.

Instead of water, I put redbull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

Water is heavier than butane because...

Butane is a lighter fluid.

name two structures that can hold water?

well damn

Jesus can walk on water, babies are 72% water, I can walk on babies therefore I am 72% Jesus

I’m also 100% in jail

Dark humour is like clean water

Not everyone gets it.

You can lead a horse to water

But a pencil must be lead

Did you hear about the man who could moonwalk on water?

Jeheeheesus

Why is water polo the most dangerous sport?

Because the horses can't swim

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Why did the pervert buy 16.5 pints of water?

2 gals 1 cup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

What do you get when you combine Roger Waters and Donald Trump?

An orange man who can actually build a wall

Gordon Ramsay gets served a glass of ice water and he chucks it straight at the waiter’s face.

The ice wasn’t fresh, it was frozen.

What's yellow and under the water?

A taxi!


Wasn't funny for you?

Neither it was for the driver

Which large body of water is the most envious?

The Jealousy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

Rest in peace to the water I just boiled.

It will be mist.

Why did the water jump into the freezer?

Because it caught coronavirus and had to self ice-olate!

(made up by my 7 year old!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

can someone please tell me where the land meets the water

geographer: shore

Why scuba divers always flip backwards when jumping from boat in water?

Because if they flip forward they would still be in boat.

What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?

A phlebotanist

If your sparkling water loses it's bubbles, that's ok...

It's still water.

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

An englishman, frenchmen, and spaniard were racing their cats on a paper boat in the water

They each name their cat the same in each language. The Englishman names his cat "One Two Three". The Frenchman names his "Un deux Trois". The Spaniard names his "Uno dos tres". The race begins, and Uno dos tres wins, with one two three at second place. The Frenchman's cat is nowhere to be found. Af...

What do you call a fast salt water fish?

Efficiency

“Dad, can I have a glass of water?”

Son: “Dad can you get me some water?”

Dad: “Ok son”

Son: “ Can I have another?”

Dad: “Why?”

Son: “I need it”

Dad: “Fine son”

Son: “Can I have another?”

Dad: “Son why do you keep asking? That’s your 3rd glass”

Son: “Well, my room is still on fir...

If H20 is water and H202 is Hydrogen Peroxide, what is H204?

Drinking

Three guys are driving through the desert in an old Jeep when it breaks down 50 miles from the nearest watering hole.

Guy 1 claims “it’s only 50 miles to water, grab what we need to protect us from the heat and let’s walk” he gathers up a water container and car seat blanket and sets off.

Guy 2 thinks for a while and then decides to follow, so he grabs an old umbrella from the trunk and follows guy 1, please...

What do you get when you cross a water buffalo with a firetruck?

steamed beef

if you water the water...

...it grows.

Saw this notice posted outside a volunteer fire company in December... "Remember to water your Christmas tree..."

..."or we will come and water it for you."

I was wondering why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe but not in África. Then i realised vampires are killed by holy water.

They bless the rains down in Africa .






Credits to u/Josh1804

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....

My boss asked “what companies? “

Gas, water and electricity

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

Why do scuba-divers fall backwards off a boat into water?

Because if the fell forwards theyd land in the boat.

What do you call a soldier that's dead in the water?

Marine Corps

I don't get why some people only drink carbonated water.

The alternative is still water.

A Gentleman happening to turn up against a House to make Water,

did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, ‘till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, a very little Thing will make us laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love how these “vegans'' still drink water

that's a fish's house you bitch!

NASA found water on Mars

Mars: 1
Africa: 0

I just won a water fight against some kids in the park

No one's a match for me and my kettle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

What’s the best way to get water from a stiff tap?

Faucet

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs...

During a national water shortage, a mother and daughter were sharing a shower.

The daughter looks at her mother and then down at herself and says "What's that?"

Thinking quickly, the mother says, "That's your garage... and you must never let a boy park his car in it."

Next door, a father and his son were also sharing a shower. The son looks at his dad and then do...

My sick friend wrote to me about water scarcity in his village.

I sent him a get well soon card.

An elderly man has urinary incontinence. Why does he drink holy water before going to bed on Christmas Eve?

He wanted to sleep in heavenly pees.

Water boy wanted to impress his teammates so much

He wanted to make a splash.

Trump claims if he could walk on water, the fake news media would report:

"Trump can't swim"

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink

it gave me a religious movement

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

French Bottled water

French bottled water always makes me Wewe !!

Washington state salmon fisheries are suing campers who have been walking in shallow waters where salmon traditionally spawn

The case is Roe vs. Wade.

I have a joke about water jugs.

But I’m gonna tell it ltr.

Wife comes home one day wearing a brand new diamond tennis bracelet.

Husband asked were she got it from. She tells him she won a raffle at work, than ask him to get a hot bath ready for her.
Not thinking to much about, the husband gets her bath ready.
A week later the wife comes home with a mink coat on. Again the husband asked were she got it from. She again...

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was choking on my water..

I was choking on my water scared shitless and my sister comes running..

Me: *Choking*

Sister: You want some water?!

Outnumbered 6 to 5, John brought grenades to a water balloon fight.

Isn't that a little... excessive?"

"No, I'm just trying to level the playing field.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' confused

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

There are two reasons not to drink toilet water.

Number one. And number two.

What is another name for all the bodies of water on the Earth?

Cloud Storage.

(Original joke!)

A sailor enters a sketchy watering hole. In the entrance a sign reads: Sausage roll 10$

And underneath it continues: Hand job 13$

A curvy barmaid is at the bar. He approaches her.

- Are you the one giving the hand jobs?
- Yes my sweet, are you feeling lonely? Do you want one?

He says

- No I will need you to sanitize your hands though...

(taking ...

Did you know your faucet has 15 different mechanisms that help turn on the water?

They all work in sink.

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Me: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Me: Yesterday you said it's H to O

Trump dies and goes to hell..

... where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

What do you call a water park attraction that kills you??

The Suislide.

Beer

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.

The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American beer

American beer is like having sex on a canoe
- fucking close to water

Marry Christmas from Switzerland

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

why do dogs float in water?

because they’re good buoys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

If you work at a water bottle factory

It must be difficult to not drink on the job

Don't drink water while studying...

Why?

Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.

Note: My first attempt. Thanks.

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber ther...

How do you get a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water

A German submarine is starting to take on water

A German submarine is starting to take on water. In desperation, they radio a nearby German base.

"Help us, ve are sinking, ve are sinking"

Just as they were about to fully sink, a reply came.

"Vhat are you sinking about?"

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.


The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.


The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a fly buzzing about one foot above the river. A trout saw the fly and thought, ‘If that fly comes down six inches, I can jump out of the water and catch it’.

What the trout didn’t see was a bear hiding behind the bush who also saw the fly and realised what the trout was up to and thought, ‘If I wait until the fly drops six inches, the trout will jump and I’ll catch the trout’.

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the trout watching the f...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.