What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

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A man brings two ibuprofen and a glass of water to his wife of 30 years...

"What's this?" She asks.

"It's for your headache." He replies.

"I don't have a headache." She says.

"Oh good! So let's fuck" He replies.

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well.

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.


When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."


Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished...

You know that mouth-watering sensation you get when you're grilling a fat, juicy steak?

I wonder if vegans get that when they mow the lawn.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water....

I opened my electric bill and my water bill at the same time-

I was shocked!!

Somebody asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

My girl said she had enough of my mansplaining. She said the next time I do it, she'll throw me into a deep hole filled with water

I know she means well.

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

My wife asked me why I was yelling at the pot of water on the stove.

I said, water boils ~~faster~~ hotter under pressure.

My friend said he couldn't pay his water bill....

so I sent him a "Get Well Soon" card.

Dark humor is like water

Not everyone gets it.

What do you call a body of water that won’t follow its own rules?

The Hypocri Sea

Today I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realised I forgot my car.

If you are buying smart water for $5 a bottle...

It isn't working.

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A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water.

The bartender asks, “I thought you guys only drank blood?”

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "Yes, I’m making tea".

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.

If H2O is water, what is H204?

Drinking.

Why can’t water say the whole alphabet?

It only knows H to O

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

Water boarding gets a lot of bad press

But the search to cure hiccups must continue!

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A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping

He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - “In all my years being a...

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What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A cherry float. Budumtumcheesh

I hate when my hose stops spraying water.

But then I remember not to kink shame.

Last week, I called someone a watering hole

But I meant well

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took a Viagra without enough water and it got stuck in my throat.

I had a stiff neck all night.

I walked past a guy fetching water out of a deep hole, when suddenly he was pulled in with an incredible force!

I thought to myself, "Well that sucks"

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

Why you should not drink water while studying?

Because it will dilute your concentration

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

A few hours ago I dropped a piece of ice

It slid under the refrigerator. I was really upset at first but now it's water under the fridge.

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Dad there’s water in the carburetor (long)

A father let’s his son borrow the car. Hours later his son returns and says, “Dad I’m sorry there’s water in the carburetor.”
His dad responds, “water? In the carburetor? Yeah fucking right that doesn’t happen.”
The son is quiet for a moment, then says: “Dad I assure you there’s water in the c...

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You decide to get some new water storage tanks for your house out in the countryside.

The plumber doing the installation, some guy called Terry, arrives hours late, completes the job way over schedule and overcharges you, so you give him the finger and pay him in one-cent coins (which you've saved for occasions like this). Terry says nothing and leaves, but unbeknownst to you, he fir...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

If H2O is the formula for water....

... What is the formula for ice? H2O cubed

In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.

On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals…

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

I got a new plant that survives on water and learning new words...

It's cool and all, but I had to install a hydro-phonics system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Human mouth is amazing. It can suck, blow, create a vacuum , is water tight....

And can create and infinite amount of shit!

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My wife laid in bed. I walked in the bedroom handing her a glass of water and an aspirin...

"Thanks, but I don't have a headache," she said.


"Well," I said, "let's have sex, then."

Chuck Norris doesn't turn the water on for his shower...

He stares at it until it cries.

Rest in piece the Boiling Water…

It will be mist

Children are 70% water.

I can walk on children, this means I am 70% Jesus; and 100% in jail.

Did you know that in 1968 Paul McCartney got inspiration for a song after tasting something off in his home’s drinking water. He then had his water tested and went down to the county to get the results. The clerk read his file and looked up at Paul and said….

“Lead it be.”

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

I took my dog to the water park,

Staff said it went against regulation, but...

This time they'd let it slide.

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water.
Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replies "No."
With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine.
"Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes in...

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and th...

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water?

A basic bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to his Tomato seeds after watering them for the first time?

You have been germinated.

What did Bear Grylls tell himself when he ran out of water?

Urine trouble!

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A king has two full glasses of water and one empty glass. What is his name?

King Phillip the Third.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

Brent and Todd at the water cooler Monday morning.

Brent: What did you do this weekend?

Todd: I took the wife on a trip up to Maine.

Brent: Bangor?

Todd: No, we just talked.

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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

Why does Joey eat his cereal with water?

Cause his dad never came back with the milk.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

Jesus becomes a bartender. Man says hey you SOB I ordered a beer but you just gave me water.

I told you I could turn water into whine.

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

Two friends in a pub one says:

"Hello John hows your brother Brian?"

"He died Alf"

"Oh that is terrible how did he die?"

"Well he was driving his car and he slammed on the brakes with such force he got catapulted out of the roof through my second floor bedroom window and landed on the bed"

"Oh that...

What do you call an empty watering can?

A watering can't.

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

Most people don’t believe me, but I can promise you that I made clothing from frozen water.

Ice wear.

Have you ever stopped and realized drinking water through a straw is . . .

the opposite of snorkeling.

You can lead a horse to water

But it can still say "neigh"

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation for the neighborhood pool...

I gave a glass of water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

Might aswell.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 mi...

If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.

There's too much risk of cross contamination.

And Jesus says to his followers, ¨I will turn this water into wine.¨

And the guy says, ¨Sir, this is a rehab center.¨

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

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In the time of the Ottoman Empire, there was a wedding.

Back then, weddings were pretty big, and also long. People used to travel tens or hundreds of kilometers to attend at a wedding. For that reason, they would stay for a few days as guests. They would normally sleep in really big rooms, on the floor, and women and men would normally be separated... ...

A Rabbi, a priest, and a preacher are out in a boat one day.

The rabbi tells the two he’s hungry, so he steps out of the boat and walks across the water to land, where he claims his snack.


Shortly later the priest decides he’s thirsty, so like the rabbi, steps out the boat and walks across the water to land, getting a bottle of water.


Th...

Me next door neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?...

...

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

damn girl are you chinese water torture

because this drip is driving me insane

A guy walks up to a musician...

"You ok?" He asks?
"Yeah." The musician responds, "Just thirsty."
"There's a vending machine with some water over there if you need it."
"Yeah I tried it... It only accepts ones."
The musician opens a suitcase next to him, revealing a saxophone.

"I only got a tenor on me."

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

What did Matthew McConaughey say when the waiter asked him if he wanted ice in his water?

“It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”

I simmered ten comedians in water for 6 hours.

and made a laughing stock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two frat guys are stranded in the middle of the ocean

Brad and Chad have been stuck in a lifeboat for weeks. They're out of water and supplies, and they're sure they're doomed.

They notice a sealed bottle bobbing toward their boat and scoop it out of the water. They open it up, and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me!" the genie s...

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he spots a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs...

What's the chemical structure of Holy Water?

H2OMG

After years of never having enough hot water, and countless cold showers, we finally had an on-demand water heater installed, that provides unlimited hot water.

And although the plumber did an excellent installation and worked quickly, we did not express our appreciation.

It was a tankless job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work at a waste water plant.

And let me tell you, I've seen some shit.

A know a couple of friends who dug a really deep hole, only to find water

They really struggled, but in the end all was well.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fall forward they fall into the boat.

Chris the tractor salesman

Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tract...

Hope You Get a Laugh

Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida.

One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the plac...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

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