Where do man-splainers get their water?

From a *well, actually*

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore.

So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?

It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

RIP Boiled Water

You will be mist.

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

Did you know the w in Africa stands for water?

There is no w in Africa.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

Give an Eevee a Water Stone and it turns into Vaporeon. Give an Eevee a Fire Stone and it turns into Flareon.

Give an Eevee a couple dollars every month for their art project and it turns into Patreon.

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight

I’m just checking reddit quickly before the kettle boils

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

Considering that Jesus Christ was able to make wine from water

and the fact that I can make water from wine,
does it make me Antichrist?

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

What happens, when you let the gas out of carbonated water?

Not much. It's still water

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishm...

What do you call an unappreciative water heater?

Tankless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wi...

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into water?

Because if they fell forward they'd fall in the boat.

Why does water never laugh at jokes?

It isn’t a fan of dry humor.

Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog...

But it’s actually a common mist-conception!

Two bears are swimming in water, a black bear and a white bear. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar.

Why did the bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone pooped in the water supply?

Well shit.

H20 is Water, H2O2 is Hydrogen Peroxide, what's H2O4?

It's for consumption.

When I found out that my toaster wasn’t water proof

I was shocked

When a man falls out of your boat and into the water, you should yell "man overboard". What should you yell if a woman falls into the water?

**Full speed ahead!**

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

I like my women to be like my bath water

So hot I can only stay inside for 30 seconds

Man walks in to a bar and asks for a spoonful of lager in a pint glass, topped up with water.

"That's a strange drink to order" says the barman.

"That's what you'd be drinking if you had what I've got" replied the man.

"What have you got?" Asked the barman.

"Eleven Pence"....,

Thousands of homeless water faucets die on the streets without food or shelter each year.

Let that sink in.

Last night I dreamt that my town’s water tower exploded.

It was a wet dream.

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

Jesus can walk on water

Jesus can walk on Water. Babies are 75% Water. I can walk on babies. I am 75% Jesus.

I was asked to guess the religious affiliation of various bodies of water

I said "I can't think of any lakes that could be Jewish"

"But the sea might"

A little boy is in the bath with his mum and asks her what the hairy thing he found in the water is?

*”Oh, that’s just mummy’s sponge”* she replies
 

*”Ah thought so”* says the little boy *”The baby sitter has got one of those, I’ve seen her washing daddy’s face with it!”*

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze

What did the ice cube say to the glass of water?

I’m cooler than you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm a slut for water. In other words you could call me...

a H₂hoe

What's something that can stop water but never fails to make someone wet?

A kink.

Jesus can walk on water

Babies are 72% water

I can walk on babies

Ipso facto, I'm 72% Jesus.

Also 100% in jail

My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water.

He must think I'm some kind of mug.

Every wonder why Republicans use two hands when they’re drinking out of a water bottle?

It’s to prevent it from trickling down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make clean water out of raw sewage?

You boil the shit out of it

A story about cold water

I visited my papaw who lives in a cabin in the woods after he was widowed. I planned to stay for a few days.
The first day he made dinner, as I was going to make my plate, I noticed my dish was dirty.
I asked papaw "do you have any clean dishes around?"
"No, that's about as good as cold ...

What do you say to a man who's fallen ill from dehydration after their water supply was cut off?

Hope you get well soon.

Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?

Boil some at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

My roommate complained about me peeing in the shower, but to my way of thinking it's just a sensible way to save water.

Also, it's not like I'm going to miss from less than arm's length away.

And even if I do splash on her feet, it rinses right off at once.

Officer: “You been drinking, Reverend?” Reverend: “Just water, Officer”...

Officer: “Then why do I smell wine?”


Reverend: “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”

There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell.

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“

​

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Johnny: H I J K L M N O

Teacher: Excuse me?

Johnny: Yesterday, you said it's H to O.

Three long poos stretch down, one after the other, and silently enter the water without a splash

The toilet bowl says 'Why the long faeces?'

What do you call tonic water with THC in it?

Chronic water.

My friend said that he replaced the Oxygen with Uranium in a water molecule.

I was like, "HUH?"

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

It's always a sad day when I end up having to boil water.

It will be mist.

Scientists have discovered water and ice on moon.

Now all we need is some quality liquor and we are set.

I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water...

Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

What is Justin Timberlake's favorite body of water?

Crimea River

Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Him: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3.2 beer is like sex in a row boat

It’s fucking near water!

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today

Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' confused.

Now I am in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

Solid water is called ice.

It’s the cold, hard truth.

Someone asked me if I had ever noticed that I had a keen sense for being able to tell where water was underground...

I replied, "I'm well aware."

In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...

Let that sink in...

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry

My notes say adding water decreases concentration

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them:

"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."

And they do so. St. P...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an overweight donkey and a sour looking cat.

He sits down, and asks for a 1 beer. He gets a bucket of water for the donkey, and milk for the cat. The cat looks at the milk and scowls in disgust. The man explains that the cat only drinks 2% milk and nothing else.
After drinking he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount ...

Bottled Smart Water Can't be that smart!

I mean it got caught.

Why is spring water always freezing cold?

Because if it were any warmer, it'd be summer water.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda...

That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "'Water' you doing here?"

This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, he handed me the dog and said, “Here is ze dog, keep him warm and he vill be fine.” I said, “Are you a vet?” He replied, “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.