Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.

That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

RIP boiled water...

you will be mist

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

Where does water keep it's money?

The riverbank.

Why are the Great Lakes running out of water?

Because Americans are drinking Canada Dry.

My neighbor was walking in his backyard and fell down a deep hole with water at the bottom....

He didn’t see that well.

when mary was pregnant with jesus, her water didn't break...

her wine did.

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.

I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

Why do male dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Cause pepper water makes them sneeze!!!

Jesus can walk on the water, babies are 86% water, I can walk ln babies, therefore I am...

In Prison

I mixed laxitives in with the Holy water today.

It started a religious movement.

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forwards, they would still be in the boat.

What is the smallest body of water in the South?

The gene pool.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead were on top of a water tower...

They were eating sack lunches. The brunette pulls his out and says “Damn, I’m tired of my family making me the same sandwiches everyday! If i have another one of these, I’m going to jump off of this water tower and kill myself!” The blonde and the redhead feel the same way because they too have the ...

Hey, you know what the beaver said when he slipped on water?

Damn it !!

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I’ve ever seen."

I love water, it's my favourite drink.

I guess you could call me a H2hoe.

What's great about water is that you can drink it at work...

Now what's great about vodka is that it looks just like water.

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

If the waters so “Smart”

Then why’s it in the bottle?

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Son: * Drops a glass of water *

Dad : *sighs * such a sloppy bastard
Mom: Well, he isn't sloppy!

How do you make Holy Water?

You boil the Hell out of it

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

What did an impatient pot of water say to the noodles?

Udon!?

Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

3 Hippos fall from a plane. 2 land on the beach and one lands in the water.

Ba-Dum Tsssh!

All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water,

and it's 100% not pizza.

What do you get with water at 69 degrees?

Noice

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There’s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I’ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I’ll jump and I’ll eat that frog for lunch.
There’s a bear on the side of the pond and...

Are your parents soap and hard water?

Because you are a scum!

I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time...

I was shocked

I keep getting that Justin Timberlake song about a body of water in the Ukrainian peninsula annexed by Russia stuck in my head.

"Crimea Riverrrrrr"

Are you a barrier to stop water overflow?

Cus dam

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A vampire walks in a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says “Hot Water? I thought vampires drink blood”

The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says “I’m making tea”.

An Irishman is at the top of the diving board about to dive in when the attendant yells out "Stop! The pool has no water in it!"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

I asked my friend to name two places where you could store water

"Well, damn."

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

My friend told me that they made a telescope so strong that it could see water on the moon!

I told him that was just Lunacy.

He then told me they spotted a flea on the moon,

I told him he was a Lunatic.

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle on the passenger seat. "Have you been drinking?" the trooper asks. "Just water!", the priest replies. "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, "Praise the Lord, He's done it again!"

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Jesus walks into a bar and orders a glass of water...

which he then promptly turn's is into wine. The bartender says "Oy, what do you think you're doing?" Jesus replies, "I'm not paying your fucking prices."

I have fetish for twisting up water hoses

Some would call it a kink

I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.

Chris: “this water isn’t warm, or cold”

Luke: “what should we call it?”

Chris: “how about Chriswarm”

Luke: “I have a better idea”

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

A woman sat on the roof of her house as the flood waters rose around her.

A man in a small motor boat pulled up and said, "Come on! We've got to go!" She replied, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the Lord to save me."

Not long after that, a helicopter hovered overhead and a rescue worker repelled down to try and save her. She said, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the L...

What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water?

I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.

You know you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl ant by putting it in water?

If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

Wanna hear an overused water joke?

No? Dam.

If a man is 80% water ...

Does that mean if I walk on a man I’m 80% Jesus

There are 2 reasons why you shouldn't drink toilet water.

Number 1

and

Number 2

You know the saying "Blood is thicker than water"?

You should see what happens when you add cum!

What did the water sing at 4 degrees celsius?

- Lets dense !

I made an inappropriate joke about water.

It was clearly tasteless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

Are you guys talking about water-borne diseases?

Because I would like to joindis talk.

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What did the sherrif say when he discovered that someone had defecated in the town's water supply?

Well shit

A man found a mustache hidden underneath a water valve in his house...

He messaged his old room mate who had moved out 5 months earlier to see if he knew anything about the mustache as the compartment to reach the valve was in his old room.

The ex room mate replied "You found it!, My secret stache!"

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

I asked my friend how to spell water.

Friend: HIJKLMNO

Me: umm ok, that doesnt sound right.

Friend: yeah bruh...H to O.

You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling?

Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?

Walking on Water

A girl was told all her life that all the women in her family could walk on water on their 21st birthday. She never believed her mom but when it came time for her 21st birthday, she stepped out onto a lake and promptly fell.

When she came back, she confronted her mom and asked her why she cou...

My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

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Justice is a dish best served cold

If it were served warm it would be justwater

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

A water, a soda, and a beer walk into a bar

The bartender looks at the water and soda and says, "We don't serve your kind around here."

Yesterday, I peed into the middle of the water for maximum noise

Now I am not allowed at a baptism anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

You know the old phrase “Blood is thicker than water”

So, if the strength of a bond is measured by its thickness...

Then you must be pretty close with your mom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

Bought a pen the other day that can write under water

It can write other words too

I don’t wanna drink water anymore.

2 hydrogen atoms are going at it, the one H atom says to the other, this is boring there’s no spark anymore, we should do something about this. The one hydrogen atom thinks about his friend oxygen atom, calls him up and tells him what’s up. So oxygen atom comes over and him and hydrogen atom start t...

What do you call a stretch of land surrounded by water on three sides and inhabited by authors?

Pen-insula.

One of my coworkers recently had a water crash...

Apparently he was carpooling

Too much water!

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-
blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have...

How to make holy water in two easy steps

1) Take a pan of water and set it on the stove

2) Boil the hell out of it

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

My child is becoming addicted to water slides

I’m afraid she’s going down a slippery slope..

During my interview today i poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer

I simply replied, “No I just always give 110%”

I told my boss I needed a raise...

He asked why, I told him 3 companies are after me. He asked which companies, I said Gas, Electricity, and Water.

What do you call water that’s impossible to freeze?

Noticeable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A cherry on a float.

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