What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

My mouth waters when I smell steak on a grill.

I wonder if the same happens to vegans when they mow the lawn.

Teacher: Mark, tell me the chemical formula of water

Mark: It's H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O

Teacher: That's not correct. How did you think of that?

Mark: You said it was H to O.

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I think I'm sexually attracted to water

every time it touches me I get wet

Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

How do you make Holy Water?

You Boil the hell out of it.

My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush.

It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew.

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A guy was lost in the desert with no food or water when he finally sees a house in the distance

the guy reaches the house and knocks on the door. an old chines man answer it, the guy begs the old man to give him some food, water, and a place to stay for the night. the man agrees in one term: the guy cannot have sex, kiss or even touch the his doughter, and that if he breaks those rules he will...

How does Stalin drink water?

Gulag gulag gulag.

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A German dude jumped into freezing water to save my precious little dog...

...who was drowning. After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said: "here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off and he vill be fine". I said: "are you a vet?". He replied: "Vet?..im fucking soaking.

If you fall into water and don't know how to swim

You have the rest of your life to learn.

Which body of water always gives the exact details?

The Specific Ocean.

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Why do scuba divers fall backwards to get into the water?

Because if they fall forward, they'd still be in the boat.

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He takes a sip, then spits it out. "I paid for vodka, but this is water! Gimme my money back or I'll sue you!"

"How?" the barkeep chuckles. "You have zero proof."

My friends water got cut-off recently and he's starting to run out. I sent him a card.

"Get Well Soon"

Did you hear about the blonde who didn’t learn to water ski?

She couldn’t find a lake with a slope

A kid goes to his father and says, “Dad, there’s water in the car’s carburetor”.

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”

His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the...

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water -

you know, to surprise my liver.

Water can solve all your problems..

Want to lose weight?
Drink water.

Clear Face?
Drink water.

Tired of a person?
Drown them in water..

Clean water is like password

Not everyone has access to it

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

My roommate keeps taking my bottle of water out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

People say swallowing eggs, flour and water all at once is a difficult task, but I beg to differ.

It's a piece of cake.

RIP boiling water

You will be mist

Do you know why you can't water indoor plants in Russia?

Because it's bad for microphones

In New York, it's difficult to go out on the water with your board...

But since everyone is wearing a face covering, it's extremely easy to waterboard.

What happens when water trips over?

waterfall

Did you hear about the pasta and its cooking water?

Their relationship was strained.

Last night, I was swimming in a strange orange, bubbling ocean of sweet water.

Then I woke up and it turned out to have been just a Fanta-sea.

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do.   For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, whe...

This morning I acidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I got half way to work before I realized I had forgotten my car.

What do you call water that doesn't move?

Still water.

What do you call water that does move?

Still water.

Why do sharks only live in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

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In a little old town near a little old river, a fly is hovering just above the water.

There is a fish under the surface of the water looking at a fly, thinking 'If that fly drops just 6 inches, I could catch the fly and that would me my meal for the day.'

But there was a bird in a nearby tree looking at the fish, looking at the fly and thinking 'If that fly drops just 6 inches...

Will we be able to watch Robert Plant, while Roger Waters and Jeremy Irons?

Probably not, but Brian May!

If H2O is water, what's H2O4?

Drinking

What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA)

Water because butane is a lighter fluid

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

Where do man-splainers get their water?



From a *well, actually*

What do you call a girl who's thirsty for water?

An H2Hoe

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water-ski?

Skip.

If you pour water to water

It grows

There is a teenage kitchen basin at your front door selling water from the fountain of youth

Let that sink in

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...

For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

What do you call when a girl is thirsty for water?

..an H2hoe HAHAHHAHA okay pls help i need friends

After observing that the employees are leaving the tap running and wasting water...

Just above the sink, the boss put a sign up in big bold letters 'THINK'

Next day, hoping that it would've gotten the message across, the boss heads straight to the same area to find the water still running and just above the soap dispenser, someone had put a new sign up in the same big bold l...

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Roses are red, wine is not water

When my cumsock grows mushrooms does that mean I am a father?

Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear.

It's a tankless job.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

Alright, but it’s gonna take me a while to get hard I just got laid!

A boy in egypt collects water at the nile

A crocodile sees this boy and slowly swims to the boy. The boy notices the crocodile to late and tries running away. He trips over a root and falls. The crocodile swallows him trying to devour him completely. As the boy is almost completely within the crocodile with only his head is sticking out, a ...

The hose was twisted water could barely get out. It drizzled weakly.

Sorry this is my kink.

Son: Mom, is it correct to say you're going to water the horse?

Mom: Yes, son.

Son: alright, well I'm going to go bone the dog.

What do you call a narrow passage of water that is near a barrier that restricts the flow of water?

A dam strait.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water...

...but what a joke, the condom broke, and now they have a daughter.

Lawyer vs. Water Fowl

What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?







Stick his bill up his Ass

My wife asked for help with a puzzle. She said to hand her pieces with rocks and water.

I said shore.

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs a...

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

What do you get when you pour boiling water into a rabbit hole?

Hot cross bunnies!

Happy easter everyone

That Awkward moment when you pay $2 for Evian water

and notice if spelled backwards your Naive

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

I dropped a bottle of spring water into a pool

It turned into a trampoline.

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

I won a contest for draining the most water out of a towel...

I'm now known as the Lord of the Wrings.

You shouldn't drink water while studying.

It decreases concentration.

What vegetable can you add to a heavy pot of water to make it lighter?

Leeks!

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

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Why do hippos have sex in the water?

Try to wet a 200 kg pussy

A man was driving home and was stopped by a traffic cop. He said, 'You're weaving down this road, 'What is in that Water Bottle?' The man said, 'Plain water.' the Cop took a sip and said, "This is red wine.'

The man looked at him, raised his eyes heavenward, and said, 'THANK YOU JESUS, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.'

“John, would you be so kind as to fetch me a glass of water?”

“Right away, Sir.”

“Here you go, Sir.”

“Thank you!… Oh, John!”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Bring me another glass of water, will you?”

“Of course, Sir.”

“Here it is, Sir.”

“Many thanks, John!”

“John!”

“Sir?”

“I’m afraid I shall need another glas...

A weasel goes to the bar

One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”

The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”

“Pop!” goes the weasel.

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

There’s three paraplegics. One is floating in water, one is on your door step and one is hanging on your wall.

Meet Bob, Matt and Art.

A man tried to walk on water in Egypt

He regretted it, he was very in denile

Staying busy with quarantine and just replaced my leaking water heater.

It's a tankless job, but somebody has to do it.

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

Three idiots get lost in the desert......

After walking for hours, they begin to realize they are in trouble knowing they need water very soon. Fortunately for them they happen upon a crashed and deserted car, the first idiot: the radiator must have water, the second idiot the wind shield wiper container must have water, the third idiot doe...

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

They say you can lead a horse to water, but how do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

“No. I always give 110%”.

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

I decided to give water polo a try last week

It was quite fun until my horse drowned

I used to think my girlfriend referred to me as a camel because I drank a lot of water...

Turns out it was because she could never get more than two humps out of me.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

What are water favorite letters of the alphabet?

H to O

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Why did hitler only drink water

Because he hates juice

A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.

The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps.

“It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice.

“$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.”

The plumber said,” Y...

If Kanye West and Kim Kardashian both caught on fire in your gym and you only had ONE bucket of water.....

.... would you squat or deadlift first?

Boss keeps complaining that I drank the last of the water from the cooler. Now I feel like Jesus

Just turned water into whine.

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Someone pooped in the water hole again.

Well shit.

What's the difference between alcohol and water in Russia?

Just a single letter.

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A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician each enter a room that has jug of water next to a bookshelf that is on fire.

The physicist looks at the shelf then looks at the water, He pulls out a sheet of paper and begins to calculate the exact amount of water required to put the fire out. The engineer enters the room looks at the shelf then looks at the water, grabs the jug and empties it on the fire. The mathematici...

Did we really need a separate unit for water speed?

I think knot.

I can walk on water

But I just kind of stumble on whisky

Why did the cannibal throw the disabled kid in a tub of hot water

Coz vegetables taste better when they’re boiled

A man is sitting on top of his house during a flood while the water is slowly rising.

He waits and waits until a man in a canoe approaches him.

“Would you like me to bring you to safety sir?”

“No, god will save me.”

The man in the canoe leaves. 3 hours later, a rescue team approaches him.

“Would you like me to escort you to a safer area sir?”

“No, g...

As per government instruction, to minimise the spread, I'll be auctioning off bags of water for the next 14 days.

Not sure why I've been forced to sell ice so late.

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A man hands his wife two aspirin and a glass of water...

She looks at him and says "What the hell are these for? I don't have a headache."

He smiles and says "Great. Let's fuck!"

My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....

... that when I pee I clean the toilet.

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

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Sex is like water, most of the time you can get it for free...

But it’s generally a much higher quality if you pay for it.

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A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.

The devil took him to the first room.

The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again.
The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you ta...

There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

Who knew that water gave good bootlegging advice

In case you die, hide your gin money outside.

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I saw a man juggling while swimming in shark infested waters...

...it sure does take a lot of balls to do something like that!

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.

That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

What’s another name for a noisy body of water?

A creek

A man spills a glass of water, and the water trickles and forms a line on the floor. He then spills a glass of milk, and it also makes a line. But to his shock, when he spills a glass of punch...

...there is no punchline

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.

The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-h...

What would the headline be if Barack Obama walked on water across a lake in full view of a Fox News reporter?

"OBAMA CAN'T SWIM"

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How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Put it in water
If it sinks girl ant
If it floats boyant

Experts are saying a border wall plan for the Mexican border doesn't hold water....

It's located above si level.

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A plane made an emergency landing on water...

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The Air Hostess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused; so she asked the captain to help. The captain being knowledgeable and experienced, guided her:
1. Tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE.
2. Tell the Br...

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