My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water

and I was like "well, damn"

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states

Solid, liquid and gas

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

Which weights more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

Why do sharks only swim in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

What’s heavier. A liter of water or a liter of butane?

Water. Butane is lighterfluid

I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa, and than I realized Vampires are killed by Holy water...

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

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Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It may take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by a chick.

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

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There was a fly buzzing about one foot above the river. A trout saw the fly and thought, ‘If that fly comes down six inches, I can jump out of the water and catch it’.

What the trout didn’t see was a bear hiding behind the bush who also saw the fly and realised what the trout was up to and thought, ‘If I wait until the fly drops six inches, the trout will jump and I’ll catch the trout’.

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the trout watching the f...

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber ther...

Formula for water

Chemical formula for water

The teacher asked, "What is the chemical formula for water?"
A student raises his hand and answers, "HIJKLMNO!"
The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on earth are you talking about?"
Student answers, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

What do you call a girl thirsty for water?

H2Hoe

If you dropped a male and a female ant into water, which one survives?

The male, because it is bouyant

Jesus turned water into wine

Now I drink it to make a 6 look like a 9

If you drink a gallon of water a day,

you won’t have time for others people’s drama because you’ll be to busy peeing.

What do you get when you give LSD into the public tap water supply?

A hallucy nation.

Why does water keep changing its state?

Because it's bipolar

Don't drink water while studying...

Why?

Because chemistry says that concentration decreases while adding water.

Note: My first attempt. Thanks.

A man walked past three sources of water. He said...

Well, well, well

My neighbour and I became really close friends, so we decided to share our water supply.

We got a long well.

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water.

No shit.

Why do british people pronounce water as “wa ah?”

They don’t want to have t in the water again

What did the wind turbine say to the deep hole which held water?

"Well, I just want to say I'm a huge fan."

I hate having to keep going to the kitchen to fill my glass of water.

Take a pitcher it will last longer

A Vicar was preaching on the Demon Drink, saying whiskey can kill but water can’t.

To prove it he had a glass of each. He dropped a worm into the water and it wiggled about. He dropped a worm into the whiskey.

Stone dead.

A person at the back jumped up shouting, "I’ll have the whiskey Vicar! I’ve been having trouble with worms all my life”

RIP boiled water

You will be mist

What does dark.humour and clean water have in common

Not everyone gets it

Carrying water isn’t very hard

But carrying lighter fluid is easier

How do you make holy water?

By boiling the hell out of it!!!

( Laugh because it's my all time favourite)

What do you water roses with to make them smarter?

Budweiser beer

When British people pronounce words like “Water” they say it like “Wuh-er”. So what happened to the T?

They drank it

The boiling water died

It shall be mist.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

Yesterday I swallowed two tablets without water.

Anyway I lost my job at the tech store...

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Helen Keller was taught the word 'water' by running her hand under a tap and tracing the word on her palm. She was taught the word 'cock' in a similar way.

That's right, the word was traced whilst she was made to stroke a rooster.

^((Get your mind out of the gutter you dirty bastards))

Why do scuba divers dive into the water backwards?

If they dive front they would end up in the boat.

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed o...

I just got a water cooler for my PC

not a fan.

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Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

I tried swallowing a tablet without water before

And I have to say it wasn’t easy or even the best of decisions. Everyone at the Samsung store seems to agree.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

Why did the cannibal bring a water cooker to the crematorium?

He wanted some instant soup

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

What do you call a body of water made up of politicians?

Bay of Pigs.

Also works with “What do you call a body of water made up of cops?”

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

The first Water movie was great.

Yesterday I saw H2O 1 and it was refreshing. Today I heard that the critics are saying the second one is a killer one.

If H2O is water, what is H2O4?

Drinking..

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

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A man is trying to water his garden.

However, when he aims his hose, instead of water coming out, he hears a voice saying "Piss in my mouth".

He keeps trying, but whatever he tries, he just hears more out of the hose. "Mmm, oh yeah, pee all over my face, get it in my mouth, oh yeah."

This is ridiculous, he thinks. I just ...

Who’s the coolest animal at the watering hole ?

The Hip-po

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A German dude jumped into freezing water to save my precious little dog...

...who was drowning. After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said: "here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off and he vill be fine". I said: "are you a vet?". He replied: "Vet?..im fucking soaking.

What happens when you drink too much water in Paris?

European.

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With no sight of water in this vast desert we've been storing our urine in a bottle , but last night it was stolen...

Now that's just taking the piss.

The human body is 80% water

so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water...

...Jill came down with half a crown but not for fetching water.

I just bought a hot water bidet

Real pain in the ass

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

My mum thinks I drink too much water.

She called me an aquaholic

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

The kid next door challenged me to a water fight

Thought I’d post it here while the water boils.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot of water?

Stew

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A pony came by my house for a glass of water today

It was a little hoarse.

Irish Water Polo Team

Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?
All their horses drowned.

Best Worst Joke Ever: How do you get water into a watermelon?

You plant it...in the spring!

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

Everyone thinks it's crazy that Jesus walked on water...

But no one ever mentions that Steven Hawking ran on batteries.

Why do male ants float in water ?

Because they are boy-ant

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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I've developed a device that absorbs nutrients and water from biomass.

It'll be on the market soon, but for now it's still in testin'.

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American beer is like having sex in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.

Heard this on a Monty Python doc. Had to pause the doc because I was laughing so hard.

"shark infested water"

You mean their home?

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You add spring water

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

For my entire life, I've been afraid of large bodies of water.

To this day, you will never catch me near a pregnant woman.

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All my wife drinks is Alkaline Vapor Distilled Ionized Water.

She’s such a basic bitch.

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Why do fish swim in water?

Because their leg do not reach the bottom.

I threw holy water at the demon and tried to banish it back to hell

My wife was furious and told me not to treat her mother like that

Hey girl, do you like water?

Then you're gonna love like 70% of me

TIL Helen Keller has a waterfall named after her, to celebrate her story of learning about water.

It's named Helen Keller Falls

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What did one body of water say to another?

Nothing, they can't fucking speak.

Why couldn't the retired pimp water his lawn?

He no longer had any hose!

My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator

It's not cool man

The key to fixing all of the world’s problems is drinking more water

It’s the universal solvent

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a...

Too many people are drinking from my watering place.

It's a well known problem.

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

Why did the general throw a bucket of water over a bunch of soldiers?

Cause he wanted to wash his privates.

If you fall into water and don't know how to swim

You have the rest of your life to learn.

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A guy was lost in the desert with no food or water when he finally sees a house in the distance

the guy reaches the house and knocks on the door. an old chines man answer it, the guy begs the old man to give him some food, water, and a place to stay for the night. the man agrees in one term: the guy cannot have sex, kiss or even touch the his doughter, and that if he breaks those rules he will...

Why'd the gardener get banned from the hospital?

He kept watering the vegetables.

My summer job in high school involves getting up at 1 in the morning with a glass of water and a paintbrush.

It isn’t very high paying, but I make dew.

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He takes a sip, then spits it out. "I paid for vodka, but this is water! Gimme my money back or I'll sue you!"

"How?" the barkeep chuckles. "You have zero proof."

People say swallowing eggs, flour and water all at once is a difficult task, but I beg to differ.

It's a piece of cake.

Water can solve all your problems..

Want to lose weight?
Drink water.

Clear Face?
Drink water.

Tired of a person?
Drown them in water..

Did you hear about the blonde who didn’t learn to water ski?

She couldn’t find a lake with a slope

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I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” confused

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia

Which body of water always gives the exact details?

The Specific Ocean.

A kid goes to his father and says, “Dad, there’s water in the car’s carburetor”.

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”

His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the...

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water -

you know, to surprise my liver.

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

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