I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

R.I.P boiled water.

You will be mist.

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”

I know he means well.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

When I'm grilling a steak, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water.

Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

How do you turn water into "holy water?"

You boil the hell out of it.

Every wonder why Republicans use two hands when they’re drinking out of a water bottle?

It’s to prevent it from trickling down.

Jesus can walk on water

Babies are 72% water

I can walk on babies

Ipso facto, I'm 72% Jesus.

Also 100% in jail

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm a slut for water. In other words you could call me...

a H₂hoe

A story about cold water

I visited my papaw who lives in a cabin in the woods after he was widowed. I planned to stay for a few days.
The first day he made dinner, as I was going to make my plate, I noticed my dish was dirty.
I asked papaw "do you have any clean dishes around?"
"No, that's about as good as cold ...

Why do sharks live in salt water?

Pepper water would make them sneeze.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today

I like my women to be like my bath water

So hot I can only stay inside for 30 seconds

Scientists have discovered water and ice on moon.

Now all we need is some quality liquor and we are set.

I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water...

Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Him: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Officer: “You been drinking, Reverend?” Reverend: “Just water, Officer”...

Officer: “Then why do I smell wine?”

Reverend: “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”

Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

Solid water is called ice.

It’s the cold, hard truth.

Someone asked me if I had ever noticed that I had a keen sense for being able to tell where water was underground...

I replied, "I'm well aware."

My friend said that he replaced the Oxygen with Uranium in a water molecule.

I was like, "HUH?"

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

A well, actually.

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

Why is spring water always freezing cold?

Because if it were any warmer, it'd be summer water.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda...

That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan...

Years ago, I invented an aviation fuel made of water,

but it never took off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them:

"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."

And they do so. St. P...

I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry

My notes say adding water decreases concentration

What happens when a communist drinks too much water?


In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...

Let that sink in...

Bottled Smart Water Can't be that smart!

I mean it got caught.

A hydrogen elemental and two water elementals walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "'Water' you doing here?"

This came up in a recent RPG session. It's terrible, but I loved it too much not to post.

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool

I gave him a glass of water.

What do you call someone who switches water bottle brands a lot

An h2hoe

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tesco mechanical doctor

Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machi...

There’s two reasons not to drink toilet water

Number 1 and number 2

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, he handed me the dog and said, “Here is ze dog, keep him warm and he vill be fine.” I said, “Are you a vet?” He replied, “Vet?...I’m fucking soaking.”

I used Redbull instead of water to brew my coffee today

Got halfway to work, realized I forgot my car.

A green grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a water.

The bartender is intrigued by his new customer and decides to spark conversation. He says "Did you know we serve a drink here that's named after you?"
The Green Grasshopper looks perplexed and says "You serve a drink called Steve?"

Me and the kids were having a big water fight.

I guess they underestimated my kettle!

H2O is water, and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide, so what is H2O4?


Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?


My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don't waste water.

What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water?

Do you have what it takes to be a liter?

What happens if you use holy water to put out a fire?

Holy smokes!

What floats on the water and goes quick?

A South African duck.

What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A cherry float.

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You a...

How do you say hello to to water?

Hi drate!

How big are water bottles in North Korea?

One supreme liter.

"There's water in the carburetor"

A wife calls her husband in a panic...

Wife: "There's water in the carburetor!"

Husband: "The carburetor? That's ridiculous!"

Wife: "I'm telling you, the carburetor is completely flooded, there's water everywhere!"

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let m...

Ever wondered why scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forward, they'd end up face first in the boat

Why did the man decide NOT to sue the glass of water?

Because he found it was just-ice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm dating a woman whose fake boobs contain water from the ocean.

She's a sea cup

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

I was boiling a pot of water on max temperature

It went from 0 to 100 real quick

P.S sorry Americans

Jack and Jill went up the hill

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,
I don't know what they did there,
But they came down with a daughter.

What's the opposite of a fish out of water?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't you love it when you curl out a massive shit and it touches the water before it breaks off?

Well I had one of those this morning.

And now I'm banned from the diving boards.

Why did the hippy drink the bong water?

So he could get highdrated

There was a water shortage in town and and an order came down from the commanding general,

“No liberty until the water situation improves.” All of the units on the base complied except a small contingent of navy Seabees led by a crusty old warrant officer. Come Friday night all of the troops on base were confined to base except the Seabees. They were turned loose in the town and proceede...

As a plumber's assistant, I'm always being ordered around... "Stop that dripping, plug that leak, for God's sake... turn off the water works!"

It's not my fault, I'm just an emotional guy.

Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids…

Popped on here while I waited for the kettle to boil.

Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning, when they come across a mosque.

They hadn't had food or water for days, and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

"Ok, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. You'll be Hassan, and I'll be Muhammed", said Roger.

"No way, man. ...

Make sure to drink enough water when using the internet...

... otherwise you could have trouble with the IP protocol.

Where does a man get his water?

From a well actually.....

Wife told me this, i laughed until I realize I do it to her all the timr.

What body of water is full of testicular mites?

The Baltic Sea.

How did Jesus walk on water?

He just covered his feet with flex tape

My dad and I were walking towards a water fountain in our town’s square.

He pulled out two coins and handed me one saying that we should both make a wish.

We flipped our coins and, after a brief pause, he turned to me.

Dad: “Guess it didn’t work.”

Me: “Why?”

Dad: “You’re still here.”

What's the difference between a water bottle and puberty?

A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

What is the most popular type of tree in California?


And how do they water them?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a story on the news about a kid who got his dick stuck in a water bottle

Hearing this, my girlfriend said, "I don't understand what all the fuss is about, it can't be that hard to get your dick out of a water bottle. "

So I answered, "That's why you have to wait until it isn't hard anymore."

Waiter: "Sorry Sir, we don't have any frozen water."

Me: "Noice."

What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?


Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

And more importantly, where is my hamster?

A local anti-alcohol protester walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of water

. The bartender, surprised to see the protester in the bar at all, much less ordering alcohol, asks him what he's doing. "Just watch," the protester replies. He drops a worm in the shot of whiskey, and another worm in the water. Within minutes the worm in the whiskey dies. "Now, what does that tell ...

Case of water - $3.99

Case of Apples - $20.99

Case of Oranges - $25.99

Bag of chips - $2.50

Cigarettes - $8.99

Box of candles - $4.50

Frozen pizzas - $6.50

Asking for a quote of these items - Price List


Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in ...

I walked into the pet shop this morning and said to the cashier, "I bought two hamsters from you yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, they were both dead!" She frowned and replied, "I warned you about the hot weather. Did you give them plenty of water like I suggested?"

"Yes, I filled their tank right to the top."

Leading a horse to water is easy. How do you make a horse drink?

Put it in a blender with some ice.

We live on a tiny, useless ball of rocks and water, floating through the vast expanse of outer space

But it means the world to us.

What is the chemical formula for Holy Water?


Why are there so many rivers in France?

Water flows the path of least resistance.

An empty water bottle walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “Go home. You’re drunk.”

Vegans who drink water disgust me.

That's a fish's house you filthy Savage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What vegetable makes your eyes water?

Have you ever been hit in the balls with a Turnip?