If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...

That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?

It causes the microphones to rust

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

You use spring water.

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

RIP boiled water...

you will be mist

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

I mixed laxitives in with the Holy water today.

It started a religious movement.

Why do male dogs float in water?

Because they’re good buoys

My friend has no running water at his house, so I felt bad and decided to send him a card.

A “Get Well Soon” card.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What did an impatient pot of water say to the noodles?

Udon!?

3 Hippos fall from a plane. 2 land on the beach and one lands in the water.

Ba-Dum Tsssh!

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There’s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I’ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I’ll jump and I’ll eat that frog for lunch.
There’s a bear on the side of the pond and...

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

What is the smallest body of water in the South?

The gene pool.

What's great about water is that you can drink it at work...

Now what's great about vodka is that it looks just like water.

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I’ve ever seen."

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

In the future water will be like sarcasm

No one will get it.

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

What do you get with water at 69 degrees?

Noice

An Irishman is at the top of the diving board about to dive in when the attendant yells out "Stop! The pool has no water in it!"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

Where does a man-splainer get his water from?

From a well, actually.

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A vampire walks in a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says “Hot Water? I thought vampires drink blood”

The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says “I’m making tea”.

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

Are your parents soap and hard water?

Because you are a scum!

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time...

I was shocked

I have fetish for twisting up water hoses

Some would call it a kink

I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.

Chris: “this water isn’t warm, or cold”

Luke: “what should we call it?”

Chris: “how about Chriswarm”

Luke: “I have a better idea”

A trooper pulls over a priest and immediately smells alcohol on his breath. The next thing he notices is an empty wine bottle on the passenger seat. "Have you been drinking?" the trooper asks. "Just water!", the priest replies. "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and shouts, "Praise the Lord, He's done it again!"

A woman sat on the roof of her house as the flood waters rose around her.

A man in a small motor boat pulled up and said, "Come on! We've got to go!" She replied, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the Lord to save me."

Not long after that, a helicopter hovered overhead and a rescue worker repelled down to try and save her. She said, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the L...

I asked my friend to name two places where you could store water

"Well, damn."

It's said that Jesus could walk on water...

Thats nothing! Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

I was in the garden when my 5 year old granddaughter came up to me holding a water pail. She smiled real big and said, “This is for you Grandpa!” I said, “Thanks but what do you want me to do with it sweetie?”

She replied, “Dad said if you kick the bucket we’ll be rich!!”

Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

If a man is 80% water ...

Does that mean if I walk on a man I’m 80% Jesus

What did the water sing at 4 degrees celsius?

- Lets dense !

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Walking on Water

A girl was told all her life that all the women in her family could walk on water on their 21st birthday. She never believed her mom but when it came time for her 21st birthday, she stepped out onto a lake and promptly fell.

When she came back, she confronted her mom and asked her why she cou...

Wanna hear an overused water joke?

No? Dam.

I made an inappropriate joke about water.

It was clearly tasteless.

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

You know you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl ant by putting it in water?

If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant

There are 2 reasons why you shouldn't drink toilet water.

Number 1

and

Number 2

What did the egg say after he was put in a pot of boiling water?

I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

Are you guys talking about water-borne diseases?

Because I would like to joindis talk.

Your dark humor is like clean drinking water

It’s tasteless.

A man found a mustache hidden underneath a water valve in his house...

He messaged his old room mate who had moved out 5 months earlier to see if he knew anything about the mustache as the compartment to reach the valve was in his old room.

The ex room mate replied "You found it!, My secret stache!"

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What did the sherrif say when he discovered that someone had defecated in the town's water supply?

Well shit

You know the saying "Blood is thicker than water"?

You should see what happens when you add cum!

My friend got into hot water with a cult of mimes

They committed unspeakable acts of violence against him.

A water, a soda, and a beer walk into a bar

The bartender looks at the water and soda and says, "We don't serve your kind around here."

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

Yesterday, I peed into the middle of the water for maximum noise

Now I am not allowed at a baptism anymore.

I asked my friend how to spell water.

Friend: HIJKLMNO

Me: umm ok, that doesnt sound right.

Friend: yeah bruh...H to O.

You know how when your mouth waters when someone's grilling?

Do vegans drool when someone is outside and is mowing their lawn?

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

What do you call a stretch of land surrounded by water on three sides and inhabited by authors?

Pen-insula.

One of my coworkers recently had a water crash...

Apparently he was carpooling

I don’t wanna drink water anymore.

2 hydrogen atoms are going at it, the one H atom says to the other, this is boring there’s no spark anymore, we should do something about this. The one hydrogen atom thinks about his friend oxygen atom, calls him up and tells him what’s up. So oxygen atom comes over and him and hydrogen atom start t...

Bought a pen the other day that can write under water

It can write other words too

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

An engineer who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing.

The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there.

As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it. He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
<...

My child is becoming addicted to water slides

I’m afraid she’s going down a slippery slope..

How to make holy water in two easy steps

1) Take a pan of water and set it on the stove

2) Boil the hell out of it

Too much water!

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-
blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have...

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

What do you call water that’s impossible to freeze?

Noticeable.

During my interview today i poured some water into a cup and it overflowed a little bit.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer

I simply replied, “No I just always give 110%”

What did Richter Belmont say when he saw that a diet energy drink was accidentally left inside a watering hole?

Diet Monster! You don't belong in this well!

What did the beaver say when he slipped in water?

Dammit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning...

After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"

You use a telescope for looking through space and a periscope for looking through water. But what do you use to look through walls?

A window.

If your Cell Phone is water damaged, try submerging it in rice overnight.

This should attract Asians, who will fix it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

Bubba eyes the tourist, and, after a while, mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they...

Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water?

Because if they fell forwards, they’d fall into the boat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A cherry on a float.

Jesus: I can turn water into wine. Professor X: That's a neat party trick and all but it surely can't be useful in batt-

Guards: *Fall down dead*.
Jesus: *blows on his index finger as if it were a gun barrel* People are made of 90% water

Why can't water do math?

its a solven't

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Keep the bath water. In this day and age you can sell that shit.

Why did the hipster empty water from an ice cube tray into his drink?

He liked ice before it was cool

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

Had a weird dream last night, it was about the ocean but the water was soda

It was all just a Fanta Sea

I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...

Now it’s wholly water

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

Why does the water hate the land?

Because it’s a beach

Tanya

Popcorn, ice, sand, water

is my bucket list. What's yours?

Water and heat walk into a bar...

It was steamy..

What do you call no lines at the water park?

*A wet dream.*

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Why didn't Greta Thunberg walk across the water?

She didn't want to leave a footprint.

Why do so many Norwegians choose to buy properties with access to running water?

Because those are the properties that are affjordable!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane emergency landed in the water, no one is willing to go on the life boat

The flight attendant then asks the captain what to do. The captain replied,

Tell the Americans that it is an "adventure"

Tell the English that it is a "honour"

Tell the French that it is "romantic"

Tell the German that it is "law"

Tell the Japanese that it is an "o...

There are three different types of bodies of water on the earth

A: lakes, B: man-made reservoirs, and C

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob and Frank are standing by the water cooler...

(A quick note: my Dad's health has severely declined the past year. Over those months this sub has been my go-to source for something that would bring at least some glimmer of amusement and mirth to what have been some terrible days for him. He died a few days ago and I wanted to say thank you for...

You can lead a horse to water

But a pencil must be lead.

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