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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

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*Walks in on my dad inserting a bullet up his ass*

My dad: ''Don't worry, I'm just fucking around''

How did the bullet lose its job?

It got fired.

What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired

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If I was in a room with two bullets, Hitler, Osama bin laden, and any person that sleeps fully clothed

I’d walk away, because Hitler and Bin Laden are both dead and I don’t have a gun.

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon.

Batman is so scary, even bullets are afraid to hit him.

That's why they aimed for his parents.

What do you call a slow bullet?

A Slug.

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I hadn't had sex in over two years, so decided to bite the bullet and visit a prostitute..

"Err, how much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.

"Well that depends." She purred, sexily. "How much have you got?"

"About a litre and a half, I reckon."

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

He gave the robber his money and asked the robber to shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

He then asked, "Shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward".

After the robber ...

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A pregnant woman was robbed and shot One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body.

Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two girls and a boy. The years went by and there was never any indication that the children were harmed by the attack, so she was eventually able to move past the whole ordeal, never ...

I have the superpower of stopping a speeding bullet!

But just once.

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Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)

A man walks into a gun shop.

‟I wanna buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle”

‟sure” said the owner handing over a scope ‟if you look out the window,this scope is so powerful you can see into my house”

The man looks,then turns to the shopkeeper and says ‟sorry mate there is a ...

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

A kid said he could run faster than a bullet.

His friend asked "How? You can barely run a block."

"It's simple, bullets don't run."

What did Putin say upon seeing Alexei Navalny's bullet riddled body?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

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TIL if you swallow a bullet it'll shoot out from another hole. It actually feels pretty good. Don't believe me? Try it and see...

You'll cum a round.

I have a super-power... I can stop a bullet!

... once...

What do Russians call it when you put a bullet in a gun and fire it at your head?

Suicide.


What do Russians call it when someone else puts a bullet in a gun and fires it at your head?


Suicide.

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A pregnant lady expecting triplets is tragically shot during a bank robbery

She was shot 3 times in the belly, and 1 bullet hit each of the 3 baby boys. Miraculously, they all survived!


One day about 14 years later, one of her boys came crying to her saying “mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out of my penis”. Then she sat him down and explained what happened al...

What’s the difference between democracy and some bullets?

Democracy wasn’t stopped by Trump rioters yesterday.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

What do you call a bullet proof Irish man?

Rick O'Shea.

When rebels were combatting Franck’s regime, they found that it was most cost effective to use bullets made of tin

Nobody expects the Spanish tin munition!

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

If slow zombies like Walking Dead happened then I'm gonna need a lot of bullets. If 28 Days Later style Rage Virus zombies happen...

then I only need one bullet.

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

My girlfriend asked me if I would take a bullet for her

I said of course I would!



But if the intent was so that I could finally die or to actually protect her is a whole 'nother conversation

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

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Can a bullet get pregnant?

Fuck a round and find out.

I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand.

On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.

As I saw Tom Cruise firing bullets at an innocent crowd, I immediately made a wish.

It was after all a Shooting Star!

A french soldier had 9 bullets left

"It's neuf or nothing," he said.

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman..

He was always too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment.

He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off.

She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was ...

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

A guy walks into a bar with a fully loaded AK47

He yelled 'Which one of you slept with my wife last night?'

There was pin-drop silence for 10 seconds before a guy at the back said 'Mate you're gonna need more bullets than that'

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A woman got shot by 7 bullets in war

She went to the infirmary,where she had surgery to remove the bullets


Doctor : -You will live a normal live,I couldn't get out 2 bullets but they will come out naturally


Then the woman goes on her way and has 2 twins,a boy and a girl


After 15 years,the mom is doing ...

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Dude storms into bar with a pistol firing shots

"Im looking for the man whos been fuckin my wife!!" Says the dude.

Of all the perturbed patrons, only the old drunk in the corner replied with, "you aint got enough bullets!"

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A panda walks into a bar, orders a burger, downs it in a few bites, pulls out a gun and shoots two bullets into the roof.

On his way to the door the waiter exclaims “why the f*ck did you do that?!”

To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, “i’m a panda, look it up...” before casually walking out the exit

After finding the relevant chapter the ...

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech...

Inspired by the recent post by /u/JTRuno:

Comrade Stalin is giving a speech to a packed house when someone in the crowd - a factory worker named Boris - sneezes.

Stalin stops. He sets down his notes and asks "who sneezed?".

Silence. You could hear a pin drop.

"I ask again...

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

My brother thought it would be funny to pretend to swallow a bullet, but it got stuck in his windpipe.

He was just choking a round.

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A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum a yells "who the fuck fucked my wife!".

Everybody's silent for a second, then a guy in the back of the bar says "you havent got enough bullets mate"

I was wondering how came a bullet travel so fast

Then it hit me & blue my mind

Bullet in the womb

One day a pregnant lady walked into a bank and deposited her money. She then turned around and there was people robbing the bank they told everyone to get on the ground as the lady was pregnant she couldn’t get down in time and got shot three times in the stomach. She had surgery to try and remove t...

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What is the difference between a Jew and a Bullet?

A bullet leaves the chamber.

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

If eyes could shoot bullets,

I’d look into a bulletproof mirror.

Two men are lost in the desert when they spot a tree covered in bacon.

One of the men exclaims "a bacon tree! we're saved". However as he rushes over to it he dies in a hail of bullets. It turns out that it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

So what is the difference between People and Bullets?



.

People miss Gandhi

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

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A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily

A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

Used a glock for a power point...

...Bullet points only.

A guy enters a bar with a gun

A guy enters a bar with a gun and shouts "who slept with my wife?". Everybody stays silent. The guy repeats louder "who the fu*k slept with my wife?". Suddenly someone from other side of the bar answers "you don't have enough bullets"

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

A bullet may have a name written on it

But a grenade simply says "to whom it may concern"

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[NSFW] A woman is pregnant with triplets...

One day whilst out walking, she is caught in the middle of a shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.

The woman eventually e...

What happened when the two bullets got married?

They had a BB.

Words are like bullets

People fear them if you have a gun.

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Someone asked me if I’d take a bullet for the last person I had sex with

I mean, obviously, anything for family

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I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

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My friend accidentally stuck a bullet into his urethra.

He wasn't a fan of my idea of masturbating to get it out.

But I think he'll come around.

What did the bullet say to the bomb?

OK Boomer.

Hus: I got a package with bullets and arabic note today

Wife: Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from doctor.

Three bullets [NSFW] [LONG]

A woman (we'll call her Sally) is pregnant with triplets. She goes to a bank to get some money from her account, but unfortunately, the bank is being robbed. The robber shoots her three times with a gun. Each bullet hits one of her triplets, but she survives and so do they. Three months later, she g...

My nerf gun bullet reminds me of my father

Both disappeared after I've played with them

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Last week I almost got robbed in the desert...

The robber shot my tires when I was driving and pulled me straight out of the car. He yelled "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY RIGHT NOW!"

I responded "Wait wait wait, before you do, can you shoot my hat? I wanna prove to my family at home I was robbed."

The robber shrugged as I took off my hat ...

My car can speed faster than bullets, drive under water and knock down evil like bowling pins.

It's a Porsche to be reckoned with

What did the Alabama sherriff say about the black guy with 17 bullet holes in his back?

He said it was the worse case of suicide he’s ever seen

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3 bullets

I don't know if you guys have heard this joke. But here it goes...

There was once a woman who was pregnant with triplets. Unfortunately, one day a burglar came, armed with a gun came into the house and demanded all the cash but they didn't have any to give at hand. The burglar got angry and s...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

My girlfriend asked if I'd take a bullet for her.

I said yes, but the security staff in Ann Summers caught me and I had to put it back.

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Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...

The black objects absorb more.

What do you call an Irishman who can deflect bullets?

Rick O' Shea

What are all the police officers bullets made out of?

Copper

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