Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with...

This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

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An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”

A man sitting in the corner replies,

“You won’t have enough bullets”

Whats the difference between Humans and Bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon

A man REALLY has to pee

He walks into the restroom of a venue and stands in front of a urinal.Suddenly he hears a weird sound and looks to his side. There hee sees another guy peeing but with two streams!

Intrigued. He asks how that's possible, two streams! The other guy looks up and explains he’s a veteran and by b...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into th...

I have a bullet like work ethic

I perform like I have just been fired

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A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
...

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What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?

An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

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Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

My bullet proof vest is...

Going ballistic

I'd make a joke about bullets...

But I'm writing this at school.

Holmes and Watson are out hunting one day. John spies something moving in the bushes, and with practiced aim, levels his rifle and fires. They pull aside the brush to reveal a severed leg, with a clean bullet wound just below the ankle.

“Watson!” Holmes cries out. “The game’s afoot!”

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A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum.

A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."

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A robber tried to rob a bank with a gun

When he got inside he shot a few blanks in the air and shouted "Everyone get on the ground!"

And everyone did, except for one pregnant lady who was too slow.

Bang! Bang! Bang!
The shots rang through the air as the woman was shot thrice in the stomach

The woman was later taken...

Three bullets [long]

A pregnant woman was standing in line at the bank one day, when suddenly, a man in a ski mask stormed in and started shooting up the place.

She was shot in the stomach three times, but was rushed to hospital in time and the doctors were able to save her and her three babies. She had them ...

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

What happened when the two bullets got married?

They had a BB.

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

I have a superpower.... I can stop a bullet....

... once...

Bullets are the best employee

It gets fired but still does its job.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

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Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:

-Which one of you fucked my wife??!!
Some guy in the crowd says:
- you should bring more bullets

30 people in France are found dead all with bullet holes in their heads. The police apprehend the shooter and ask him why he did it.

The shooter says “Well I heard that it’s tourist season in France so I grabbed my gun and flew to France to hunt some tourists.”

(I know this joke is terrible but I just thought of it and didn’t want to loose this thought so I decided to post it here)

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

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A guy with a gun enters a bar.

*"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?"* He snarled.

A voice was heard in the background, *"You don't have enough bullets mate!"*

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Someone asked me if I’d take a bullet for the last person I had sex with

I mean, obviously, anything for family

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They'r...

What did the Alabama sherriff say about the black guy with 17 bullet holes in his back?

He said it was the worse case of suicide he’s ever seen

I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

Three bullets [NSFW] [LONG]

A woman (we'll call her Sally) is pregnant with triplets. She goes to a bank to get some money from her account, but unfortunately, the bank is being robbed. The robber shoots her three times with a gun. Each bullet hits one of her triplets, but she survives and so do they. Three months later, she g...

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Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)

A man walks into a gun shop.

"I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle"

"sure" said the owner handing over a scope "if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house"

The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says "sorry mate there i...

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

What did the gun say to the bullet?

Go ballistic!

My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...

The black objects absorb more.

TIL: You can use tampons to stuff bullet holes to stall bleeing before getting the person to the hospital.

That's actually what tampons were originally used for. Then nurses were all, "Wait, I've got a bleeding hole too!"

It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't let my boyfriend ejaculate in my eye because semen shoots out his dick like a bullet.

He was mad at first but then he came a round.

Why was the NRA presentation not well received?

It had too many bullet points.

Did you hear about the new show "Schrodinger's Bullet"?

It's hit and miss.

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A guy walks into a bar waving a handgun

and shouts "I want to know who's been fucking my wife!" One of the patrons swiveled around on his stool and drunkenly slurs, "What kind of gun is that? A Smith and Wesson 686?" The husband replies "What the fuck does that matter?!?" The drunk smiles and says, "Because a 686 only holds 6 bullets. You...

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What's faster than a speeding bullet?

A jew with a coupon

America is racist

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone



Thanks Frankie Boyle

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A pregnant woman was shot during a bank robbery...

After being rushed to the hospital and treated in the ER, the doctor tells her some good and bad news. The good news is that she's having triplets, all boys and they're all healthy, the bad news is that they've each got a bullet inside of them and will pass this Bullet naturally in +- 18 years.
<...

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The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?

Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Dodged the bullet

A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.

Superman: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and more powerful than a locomotive"

Batman: "I fight a penguin and a really persistent clown"

What's the difference between a repost and a bullet?

I don't want to put a repost in my mouth

A blonde tried to commit suicide

Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.

You are stuck in a room with Adolf Hitler and Donald Trump. You have a gun with 2 bullets in it, what do you do?

*Shoot myself twice*

A stray bullet just flew through my window and broke my monitor.

I think there are better ways to take a screenshot...

Wonder Woman is laying on the beach naked.

Superman flys over and sees Wonder Woman speed eagle and naked with her eyes closed. Superman says to himself, "I bet I can fly down there and bust a nut in her before she even realizes what happened.

He decides to go for it. He flys down and super bangs her faster than a speeding bullet an...

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If Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, and Justin Bieber were in an elevator with me and I only had two bullets, I would...

..wonder why I didn't bring a fucking gun!

Man, I sure am mad about the rising bullet prices...

Now I get less bang for my buck!

The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery...

But it turns out it was all in vain

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

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Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.

He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was tha...

This is really my meanest joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

I patented a new bullet that will kill 2 deer at once

You get more buck for your bang!

If you had one bullet and there was a Lion, a bear and a jaguar. What do you do?

If you were in the middle of the forest and there was a lion, a bear and a jaguar. You had a gun with only one bullet. What do you do?

Shoot the lion, drink the beer and drive away in your jaguar. :)

... Obviously it's better told to someone than read.

My jokes are like bullets

Except that they never hit anyone