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Bullet Jokes

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

Chuck Norris killed 100 men with just one bullet

There was no gun

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bet on a bullet (slightly )

A man walks into a gun shop.

"I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle"

"sure" said the owner handing over a scope "if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house"

The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says "sorry mate there i...

Bullets

Why do they still use lead to make bullets?? Don't they know that lead is dangerous??

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, you know it's been fired.

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the ." The hitman accep...

What do you call an Irish gunslinger who can kill 5 men with 1 bullet?

Rick O'shea

"Hey, did you see that flat bullet walking out of the building?"

"Oh, yeah. Him. He got fired."

What did the bullet do after getting fired?

It went ballistic.

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

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A man walks into a full bar with a loaded gun. He shouts “Who here has been my wife!?”

Everyone in the bar is quiet for a bit, until the bartender says “Mate, you don’t have enough bullets.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked me if I’d take a bullet for the last person I had with

I mean, obviously, anything for family

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Can a bullet get pregnant?

a round and find out.

You know how i know you play bullet hell?

You don't own any umbrellas for rainy days.

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

I told my friend Kennedy was killed by a sniper bullet

He told me "Nah, not by a long shot"

Three bullets [] [LONG]

A woman (we'll call her Sally) is pregnant with triplets. She goes to a bank to get some money from her account, but unfortunately, the bank is being robbed. The robber shoots her three times with a gun. Each bullet hits one of her triplets, but she survives and so do they. Three months later, she g...

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

Dodged the bullet

A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

Whats the difference between a skeleton with a bullet hole in its skull and Putin

Time.

I have the superpower of stopping a speeding bullet!

But just once.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are out hunting.

Suddenly, a deer appears 50 meters away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts the rifle, and the bullet lands 5 meters short.

The engineer adds fudge factor for air resistance, and lifts the rifle a bit higher, and the bullet lands 5 meters lon...

Bullets are like snacks

Always keep one for yourself and share with others

My phone saved my life by taking a bullet.

Shot on iPhone.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand.

On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.

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A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum

and yells, "Who the , fucked my wife"
The crowd upon hearing this becomes silent and the man repeats the question. "Who in the hell fucked my wife".
The crowd still quiet. Then a person from the back of the bar says, "You dont have enough bullets"

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

What did Putin say upon seeing Alexei Navalny's bullet riddled body?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

What happened when the two bullets got married?

They had a BB.

A kid said he could run faster than a bullet.

His friend asked "How? You can barely run a block."

"It's simple, bullets don't run."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man with 20 bullet holes in his back?

The worst case of suicide he's ever seen.

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

Ten years into the war, both sides ran out of bullets for their guns.

They decided to use bows and arrows instead.

But ten years later, still strong in the war, both sides ran out of arrows and flint. So both sides used swords and axes.

But a decade after that, both sides ran out of metal, and they had to resort to weapons made of wood, like bo- staffs ...

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

What did the mama bullet say to the papa bullet?

We're going to have a BB!

I have a super-power... I can stop a bullet!

... once...

My girlfriend asked me if I would take a bullet for her

I said of course I would!



But if the intent was so that I could finally die or to actually protect her is a whole 'nother conversation

If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...

I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times

A french soldier had 9 bullets left

"It's neuf or nothing," he said.

Keanu Reeves was offered the lead role in Wild Wild West, but turned it down to do The Matrix.

He really dodged a bullet there.

Words are like bullets

People fear them if you have a gun.

Three bullets [long]

A pregnant woman was standing in line at the bank one day, when suddenly, a man in a ski mask stormed in and started shooting up the place.

She was shot in the stomach three times, but was rushed to hospital in time and the doctors were able to save her and her three babies. She had them ...

What’s the difference between democracy and some bullets?

Democracy wasn’t stopped by Trump rioters yesterday.

If eyes could shoot bullets,

I’d look into a bulletproof mirror.

Bullets are the best employee

It gets fired but still does its job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

Man walks into a bar to find the man who slept with his daughter (SFW)

Man walks into a bar with a 4 six shooters and a double barrel demanding to know who slept with his daughter.

Father: WHICH ONE OF YOU SONS OF B*TCHS SLEPT WITH MY LITTLE DARLING GIRL!

Bartender: Sir you ain't got enough bullets

I was wondering how came a bullet travel so fast

Then it hit me & blue my mind

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

"What happened?" The bullets asked their sad bullet friend...

"I got fired." He replied.

What did the bullet say to the bomb?

OK Boomer.

I have a bullet like work ethic

I perform like I have just been fired

My nerf gun bullet reminds me of my father

Both disappeared after I've played with them

So what is the difference between People and Bullets?



.

People miss Gandhi

Did you hear about the new show "Schrodinger's Bullet"?

It's hit and miss.

What's the difference between a repost and a bullet?

I don't want to put a repost in my mouth
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