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Bullet Jokes

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

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$10,000/bullet Assassin

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they’re fired

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, you know it's been fired.

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

What do you get when you shoot four bullets into a six pack?

A Tupac...

Chuck Norris killed 100 men with just one bullet

There was no gun

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Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)

A man walks into a gun shop.

"I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle"

"sure" said the owner handing over a scope "if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house"

The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says "sorry mate there i...

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

What do you call an Irish gunslinger who can kill 5 men with 1 bullet?

Rick O'shea

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I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

"Hey, did you see that flat bullet walking out of the building?"

"Oh, yeah. Him. He got fired."

Bullets

Why do they still use lead to make bullets?? Don't they know that lead is dangerous??

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?

Because I'm drawing a blank.

You know how i know you play bullet hell?

You don't own any umbrellas for rainy days.

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

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One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explain...

Three bullets [NSFW] [LONG]

A woman (we'll call her Sally) is pregnant with triplets. She goes to a bank to get some money from her account, but unfortunately, the bank is being robbed. The robber shoots her three times with a gun. Each bullet hits one of her triplets, but she survives and so do they. Three months later, she g...

What did the bullet do after getting fired?

It went ballistic.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

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A man walks into a full bar with a loaded gun. He shouts “Who here has been fucking my wife!?”

Everyone in the bar is quiet for a bit, until the bartender says “Mate, you don’t have enough bullets.”

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Someone asked me if I’d take a bullet for the last person I had sex with

I mean, obviously, anything for family

Whats the difference between a skeleton with a bullet hole in its skull and Putin

Time.

My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...

The black objects absorb more.

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A woman got shot by 7 bullets in war

She went to the infirmary,where she had surgery to remove the bullets


Doctor : -You will live a normal live,I couldn't get out 2 bullets but they will come out naturally


Then the woman goes on her way and has 2 twins,a boy and a girl


After 15 years,the mom is doing ...

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Can a bullet get pregnant?

Fuck a round and find out.

I told my friend Kennedy was killed by a sniper bullet

He told me "Nah, not by a long shot"

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A hitman who never misses charges $10k per bullet.

One day, a man hires the hitman and tells him that his wife is cheating on him, and that she is currently in bed with another man. He wants them shot.

So they sit on top a hill at a small distance from the house, facing the bedroom window where the man’s wife is having her affair. He tells t...

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

Dodged the bullet

A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

I have the superpower of stopping a speeding bullet!

But just once.

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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What is the difference between a Jew and a Bullet?

A bullet leaves the chamber.

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are out hunting.

Suddenly, a deer appears 50 meters away.

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts the rifle, and the bullet lands 5 meters short.

The engineer adds fudge factor for air resistance, and lifts the rifle a bit higher, and the bullet lands 5 meters lon...

Bullets are like snacks

Always keep one for yourself and share with others

My phone saved my life by taking a bullet.

Shot on iPhone.

I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand.

On one hand I’m really happy that it didn’t hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.

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A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum

and yells, "Who the fuck, fucked my wife"
The crowd upon hearing this becomes silent and the man repeats the question. "Who in the fucking hell fucked my wife".
The crowd still quiet. Then a person from the back of the bar says, "You dont have enough bullets"

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

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A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.

She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a ...

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What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man with 20 bullet holes in his back?

The worst case of suicide he's ever seen.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

What did Putin say upon seeing Alexei Navalny's bullet riddled body?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

What happened when the two bullets got married?

They had a BB.

A kid said he could run faster than a bullet.

His friend asked "How? You can barely run a block."

"It's simple, bullets don't run."

Bullet in the womb

One day a pregnant lady walked into a bank and deposited her money. She then turned around and there was people robbing the bank they told everyone to get on the ground as the lady was pregnant she couldn’t get down in time and got shot three times in the stomach. She had surgery to try and remove t...

If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...

I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

Ten years into the war, both sides ran out of bullets for their guns.

They decided to use bows and arrows instead.

But ten years later, still strong in the war, both sides ran out of arrows and flint. So both sides used swords and axes.

But a decade after that, both sides ran out of metal, and they had to resort to weapons made of wood, like bo- staffs ...

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

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3 bullets

I don't know if you guys have heard this joke. But here it goes...

There was once a woman who was pregnant with triplets. Unfortunately, one day a burglar came, armed with a gun came into the house and demanded all the cash but they didn't have any to give at hand. The burglar got angry and s...

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

What did the mama bullet say to the papa bullet?

We're going to have a BB!

I have a super-power... I can stop a bullet!

... once...

My girlfriend asked me if I would take a bullet for her

I said of course I would!



But if the intent was so that I could finally die or to actually protect her is a whole 'nother conversation

A french soldier had 9 bullets left

"It's neuf or nothing," he said.

Keanu Reeves was offered the lead role in Wild Wild West, but turned it down to do The Matrix.

He really dodged a bullet there.

Words are like bullets

People fear them if you have a gun.

What’s the difference between democracy and some bullets?

Democracy wasn’t stopped by Trump rioters yesterday.

Three bullets [long]

A pregnant woman was standing in line at the bank one day, when suddenly, a man in a ski mask stormed in and started shooting up the place.

She was shot in the stomach three times, but was rushed to hospital in time and the doctors were able to save her and her three babies. She had them ...

If eyes could shoot bullets,

I’d look into a bulletproof mirror.

Bullets are the best employee

It gets fired but still does its job.

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

Man walks into a bar to find the man who slept with his daughter (SFW)

Man walks into a bar with a 4 six shooters and a double barrel demanding to know who slept with his daughter.

Father: WHICH ONE OF YOU SONS OF B*TCHS SLEPT WITH MY LITTLE DARLING GIRL!

Bartender: Sir you ain't got enough bullets

I was wondering how came a bullet travel so fast

Then it hit me & blue my mind

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

"What happened?" The bullets asked their sad bullet friend...

"I got fired." He replied.

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I hadn't had sex in over two years, so decided to bite the bullet and visit a prostitute..

"Err, how much to let me cum in your mouth?" I asked, nervously.

"Well that depends." She purred, sexily. "How much have you got?"

"About a litre and a half, I reckon."

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman...

He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around,...

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Pregnant woman got shot 3 times

A pregnant woman with triples got shot in the stomach 3 times as an innocent bystander.
She went to the hospital and they examined and said luckily No surgery is needed and bullets will come out naturally.

She goes on to have 3 healthy boys. After many years go by one day one of her sons...

What did the bullet say to the bomb?

OK Boomer.

I have a bullet like work ethic

I perform like I have just been fired

My nerf gun bullet reminds me of my father

Both disappeared after I've played with them

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My friend accidentally stuck a bullet into his urethra.

He wasn't a fan of my idea of masturbating to get it out.

But I think he'll come around.

So what is the difference between People and Bullets?



.

People miss Gandhi

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They'r...

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Whats faster than a speeding bullet?

A Jew with a coupon

Did you hear about the new show "Schrodinger's Bullet"?

It's hit and miss.

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Peeing Bullets

A woman pregnant with triplets is in a bank, all of a sudden robbers walk in start shooting up the place, the woman is shot and gets rushed to the hospital.
After surgery and recovery the doctor comes in and tells her that a bullet got lodged in each fetus but they will be alright and the bulle...

What's the difference between a repost and a bullet?

I don't want to put a repost in my mouth

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