Cry Jokes - 107 Hilarious Cry Jokes

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

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How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Call her and tell her

Why does a bride always cry at her wedding?

Cus she never marries the best man

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Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.

(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

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I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

What do you say when your English teacher is crying?

"There, their, they're".

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A son goes crying to his mom..

Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

I saw a woman crying on a bench.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "Sit next to me, and I'll tell you." So I sat, and she said, "This bench was just painted."

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

Why did Han Solo cry during his steak dinner?

Because it was Chewie.

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

What do you say to your sister when shes crying?

Are you having a crisis?

I saw a elderly woman in Walmart crying

She told me she had lost all her money for groceries. I felt bad for her so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found laying in the parking lot.

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A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

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There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?

Opinions

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A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach crying

A man walks up to her and says "What's wrong?" She replies "I've never been kissed before." So the man kisses her, but she starts crying even more. He says "What's wrong? I thought you wanted to be kissed." This time she replies "Yea, but I've never been fucked before." The man thinks for a second, ...

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying.

Edit: [deleted]. Reposts on Reddit soon.

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

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So Cinderella was crying...

...when her fairy godmother shows up. She asks poor Cinderella, "What's troubling you, my dear?" "My sisters have all gone to the ball, but I can't! I have nothing to wear and no way to go..." cried Cinderella. "Oh fret not. Let me handle this for you," said the fairy godmother. "But first, you have...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

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A woman came crying to her husband and said,

“I was sitting on that park bench when that man over there walked up to me and said he wanted to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all up.”

Her husband says, “ok?”

Wife: Well aren’t you going to do something? Aren’t you going to go over there and teach him a lesson?

Husba...

What was the most common reason ancient Egyptians would cry?

They missed their mummies.

A six-year-old comes crying to his mom...

He's crying because his sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry" said the mom, "your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts".

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time her daughter is crying and her son says "Now she knows".

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

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Actually happened: I saw a girl at a party who was distraught and crying because she had accidentally swallowed a tongue piercing.

Her boyfriend put his arm around her and said, “This, too, shall PASS.”

If she doesn’t marry him, I will.

What is it called when thugz cry?

Str8 bawlin'

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to "Children in Need".

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

I heard a loud cry in the ocean

Must've been a wail

What do you call a tree that's crying?

Mourning wood.

Why was honda crying

Because he saw hyundai

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

Why did the jury cry at the molester’s hearing?

It was a very touching trial.

My girlfriend told me she’s pregnant which made me cry...

I know what it is like to grow up without a father

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

One of my buddies made a trans girl cry yesterday. So I angrily asked, "How could you..."

"... propose to her without telling me first?"

This lady was at the supermarket crying hysterically

I said what’s the matter???

She said I just lost $200
And I can’t find it!

Me being the nice guy I am…

I gave her $50 from the $200 I just found

I saw Han Solo crying while eating his beef.

Later I asked why. He said it was chewy.

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Why does Bill Cosby cry during sex?

Pepper spray.

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”

A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket.

I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

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How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl cry?

10 tickles

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, "Why are you so upset? It's just hair. I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend."

A man’s wife was lying in bed crying.

Her husband walks in and asks “what’s wrong?”

“I had a dream where a prince took me from you” she replies.

The husband says “Oh my dear, relax it was just a dream.”

To which the wife retorts “that’s why I’m crying!”

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

A kid comes running to their mum, crying...

...mum asks why.
Kid: "Daddy hit his thumb with a hammer!"
Mum: "That is unfortunate, but no reason for you to cry"
Kid: "Yes, I laughed, at first"

How do you make a clown cry?

Break his funny bone.

What does a lightbulb cry out when it flickers?

Ouch, it hertz!

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A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...

Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.

"What's matter?"

"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.

"Um, ah ok, but"

"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.

"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"

"She cleans the ...

My girlfriend starting crying tears of joy when I asked if she'd like to be in a foursome....

All I asked was "Will, you, Mary, me?"

A nun runs crying out of the doctor's office

The nurse asks the doctor "Why is she so upset?"

"Oh," the doctor says, "I just told her she was pregnant."

"Oh my! She's pregnant?"

"No, not really, but I sure cured her hiccups."

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For some reason I always cry during sex.

I'm starting to think it might be the pepper spray.

Onions make you cry

My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a Coconut at his face.

Mr. Meyer sees a young boy crying bitterly on the street.

"Why are you crying?" He asks him. "What has happened?"

"I lost a coin and I can not find it," says the boy.

"There there little one, don't cry." He says, handing the boy something.

"Here's a matchstick in case you can't find it by nightfall."

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An 80 year old man is crying in a park bench...

A young man passing by decides to help:

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

"Well... it's just that I... I'm in love with a 22 year old." said the old man.

"I see, and she doesn't correspond?" said the young man.

"Actually we are married. The problem is that, everyday ...

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

A man is walking through the park when he spots an elderly man crying his eyes out on a park bench...

Feeling empathic, he sits down beside the man, and tries to initiate conversation.

"Troubles with the wife?..." he asks gently
"W-Wife? No not at all, I have an amazing wife at home, she's a beautiful person, we've been married for fifty years, she's an amazing cook too!"
"Oh,...

Have you every heard the battle cry of a Klingon short order cook?

Perhaps today is a good day to fry!

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

A nun is shopping for groceries. She is pushing a stroller with a baby that is crying loudly.

As she passes by the church, a priest spots her and asks sternly: “What do we have here? A little monastery secret?”

“No, Father”, answers the nun, “it’s a cardinal error.”

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A man sees an armless woman crying on the beach...

He walks over to her and says "I'm sorry but I couldn't help but notice you were crying, what seems to be the problem?"
The woman replies "well, it's just that in my whole life, I've never been kissed"
So the man, being the smooth gentleman that he is, bends down and kisses her softly on the...

What do you call a sailor who'll never let you see him cry?

... A private-tear.

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.

She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever...

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”<...

When nailed to the cross, Jesus did not cry out in agony.

He did, however, let out a little wine.

The wolf stopped crying out once I destroyed my plantation. I guess it’s like they say,

no farm, no howl.

What is negatively charged and will make you cry if you cut it in half?

An anion.

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Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.

But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

there was a 2nd grade student who was crying

His teacher approached him and asked

Teacher: why are crying kid?

Student: Waaaaah I lost my 5 dollars!

His teacher felt sorry for him and gave him a 5$ from his wallet then the Student happily walked away.

On his way the Student friends saw with the money and asked where...

Why don’t British people cry at funerals?

They are used to Casual Teas

This joke will Make you Cry out of Happiness!

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water!

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

He's got mace in his eyes.

Why do babies always cry on planes?

Because they go from at no fear to atmosphere!

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Why did Shaq cry at Kobe’s funeral?

Because he finally saw Kobe pass.

Things have gotten so bad lately, I broke down crying to “only god knows why”

I’ve officially hit Kid Rock Bottom

People are like onions They make me cry

but they smell good when they're cooking

Some people say they cry when they cut up onions.

I find the secret to not crying is, don't form an emotional bond with them.

A: Why are you crying?

B: I don't know the other spellings of 'there'!

A: Aww, their, they're.

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Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?

Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.

As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...

HaHaHa! ...

Why do we cry.....

When it's the onions that are being hurt?

How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.

How do you make a baby stop crying?

Drop it again.

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A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying.

A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying. He asked what was wrong. She said:
"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."
He hugged her and kept walking. A few minuted later, he sees her crying again. He asked what was wrong now; She said:
"I...

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Not for the easily offended - my favourite politically incorrect joke...

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.
"What's wrong?" man asks.
"Never been kissed before" girl says.
Man kisses her and she goes home happy.

Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying.
"What's wrong?...

If you see someone crying, ask:

“Is it because of your haircut?”

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I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"

"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.

James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.

Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"

James wails, "...

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