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I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working...

I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.

What would you call a communist vegetable that makes you cry?

a soviet onion

I couldn't cry at a 7:00 am funeral

I guess I'm not a mourning person.

How do you make a baker cry?

You kill his family.

I surprised my family today and made the Christmas dinner from scratch.

They started crying.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway...

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Could you make a horse cry??

Crying Horse

Man walks into a bar and sits down. Next to him there is a jar full of money with a note, " Make the horse laugh and you get all of the money in the jar." So the man heads for the horse in the back room of the bar. The man whispers in the horses ear, and the horse laughs hysteric...

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

Why does the 2 year old child of the anti-vaccine parents cry?

Midlife crisis.

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

Poker Face.

My friend thought he is so smart, he said onions are the only food that make you cry.

So i threw a pineapple at him.

When is a good time to cry about someone’s death?

In the mourning.

How do you make a coffee maker cry?

With a very dark roast.

Why did the little strawberry cry?

Cause his mom was in a jam.

What did the air stewardess say after she made Abcde cry?


I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

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I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to "Children in Need."

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

My father is the strongest, most stoic person I've ever met. I've never seen him cry in my life even when he was fighting cancer. I took him to the dentist and when he's done he came out weeping like a baby. I asked him, "Dad, what happened?"

And he said, "The dentist gave me fillings."

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Why does Bill Cosby cry during sex?

Pepper spray.

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis

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Scientists have discovered a man in Japan who cannot cry.

They've labeled him "unbereavable".

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Make your wife cry during sex... calling her up and telling her.

What made Hitler cry?

The gas bill.

I just made a woman cry.

I just told her that she looked like thanos, I guess that’s why she snapped...

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How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl cry?


When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started to cry...

because I know what it's like to grow up without a dad.

The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen

So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.

Why did the abusive dad’s child cry?

Beats me.

you can’t cry over spilled milk

but spilled wine is a whole different story...

Fred is sick and wants to leave work

fred: Sir, I'm sick. I want a one day leave.

Boss: When i get sick i kiss my wife and my weakness goes away. try it

Fred: Okay sir, I'll try.

Boss: Good

next day

Fred: Sir, I tried

Boss: How was it?

Fred: first your wife hesitated, then she enjoyed it...

I always cry on the first day of the weekend

It's a sadder-day

My girl started to cry really loud..

So I figured "perhaps she wants a diaper". I tried putting a diaper on but she just started screaming louder and kicking hard at me.

So I figured "maybe she is tires?". I tried putting her to bed but she just rolled around screaming even louder and throwing stuff at me.

Then I figured ...

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."

The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."

The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.

The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his suicide attempt has ...

My English is so bad it made my wife cry. So I pat her on the back and said,

"their their"

I passed a homeless man in an alley last week and it made me cry.

I still can't sit down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is passing through a small town and sees a horse tied up in front of a bar

There's a sign next to the horse that says "Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night"

The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.

The horse bursts out laughing.

The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pa...

I've tried every trick in the book to get a woman to cry out my name in bed...

In end it was easier to just change my name to "already?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.

But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."


I remember crying when my dad chopped onions.

Onions was a good dog. I miss him.

Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.

How do you make a baby stop crying?

Drop it again.

TIL babies cry in accents

I also learned that going around making foreign babies cry is apparently looked down upon

I'm gonna go cry in front of a mirror.

I'll see myself pout.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions..

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

2 nuns cycle down a cobbled street. One let's out a cry and says "I've never come this way before."

The other one says, "you wouldn't normally but there's a diversion around some road works."

Why do we cry.....

When it's the onions that are being hurt?

Why could they not hear the drug addict's cry for help?

It was just a lil peep

What do you call a Wookie war-cry on the London Underground?


I stared into her eyes and she stared right back into mine, and then we started to cry

But then I blinked and lost

"Say, medic", says a soldier, "why do you always have to say 'I cannot wait'? Is that your battle cry or something?"

"If I could wait, I would not be medic.
I would be patient!"

I’ve been waking up at 7:30am to cry ever since my wife passed away...

Because I’m a mourning person.