Cry Jokes

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

Why did the noble gas cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

Why was the antivaxxers 5 year old crying?

Mid Life crisis

Why do brides cry at the wedding ?

Because they never marry the best man !

Girls be crying over a dude with one outfit...

You should've known he was never gonna change

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

What starts with O, and ends with -nions and makes people cry?

Opinions.

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

Why couldn't the PC gamer stop crying?

He refused to be consoled.

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

Why did the four year old anti vax kid cry?

Because he was in his midlife crisis.

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

Why was the anti-vaxx's toddler crying?

Mid-life crisis.

I saw a five legged woman crying and I asked her why.

She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said “at least your knickers fit like a glove”

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

People always cry when cutting onions.

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

A wife asking her husband why he is crying?

He said " I saw a dream where a beautiful woman is trying to kill you and take me"

Wife trying to be supportive " calm down, it is just a dream"

He said "I know, that's why I am crying"

“Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?”

Cop: It’s a moving violation.

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I cry every time after sex

I hate being in prison

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This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. (long)

This young guy in prison is sitting on his bunk crying. One of the older inmates known around the clink as Big Hank comes over and sits down on the bunk beside.

“What’s the matter, buddy?” the old inmate asked.

“I really screwed up,” sobbed the young man. “I’m going to be in this hel...

I started crying when dad was cutting onions

Onions was such a good dog

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry

Onions was a good dog...

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How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Call her

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

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I recorded my baby's first cry and put it in Google Translate

It read:
"Oh fuck, I should have taken the blue pill."

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

I saw a 4-year-old girl crying, all alone.

"Are you okay?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mom and dad are?"

"No." She sobbed.

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.

Little Johnny is sitting on the front step crying....

His dad asks what's wrong son. Little Johnny says, "I was watching you and mummy in the bed and it was scary, what were you doing to mummy?"
Dad replies, "Well son, we were ah making you a baby brother"
"Oh, ok" says Little Johnny.
That night dad comes home from work and little Johnny is cr...

I found a girl crying outside the mall today

When I asked her what was wrong, she told me she had just lost a whole $200. Out of the kindness of my heart, I gave her $40 out of the $200 I picked up at the entrance. When God blesses you, you pay it forward. :)

Why was 10 crying?

He was in the middle of 9/11.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue

He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.

Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".

"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."

"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

What did the Chinese guy's family say after he didn't cry at his own fathers funeral?

Unbereavable...

A man is crying nervously at the doctor's.

The doctor asks "what's wrong?"
The man replies "I'm really scared doctor, this is my first surgery."
The doctor pats him on the shoulder and say "dont worry, son. This is my first surgery too."

After screaming and crying at 3 AM due to a terrible nightmare, the boy went to his dad's bedroom.

"F***ing hell dad!", he said, "are you okay?"

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

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A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.

He asks her why she is crying and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her then jogs away.


The next day he finds her crying again and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.

On the third day the man sees her cryin...

Came home from work and my wife is crying.

What is it, honey?

She said I knew you'd be tired, so I baked you you're favorite, a cherry pie. But the dog ate it.

That's okay, dear. I'll buy you a new dog.

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

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What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

While driving home I saw my mechanic on the side of the road crying like a little baby.

I don’t know exactly what happened but he must have had a serious breakdown

Why did the baby cookie cry?

Because its mother was a wafer so long.

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

Alot of people cry when they cut onions

Trick is: Just try not to get too emotionally attached.

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I was watching a porno the other day and it was just a guy crying and wanking.

Then I realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

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I was watching a really weird porno yesterday, it was a fat man wanking and crying..

Then i realised i hadn't switched the tv on...

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

Sometimes I wanna cry...

...when I think about how much I hate emotional people.

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Me: there’s too much crying in this episode of Naked and Afraid

Girlfriend: this is our sex tape..

What do you do when your Xbox is crying?

You console it.

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"


The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

How do you make a Clown cry

You throw a brick at it

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

One day my sister was crying

You could really call it a crisis

How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.




How do you make the baby stop crying?

*Drop it again*

Cake joke for my cake day!

Was at a wedding today and it was so beautiful everyone started crying.


Even the cake was in tiers.

Compassion

Sooo, my cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me ...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

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I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

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A man stores his money in a bank

A well looking man is at the bank and wants to deposit 100,000$, the bank manager gets closer to him and says:

"I have notice that you deposit huge amounts of cash every few days, is it OK if I ask, where to do find the money?"

"I'm betting" says the man

"what kind of betting?"<...

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Three married women are having a "girls only" night out

**NOTE: I'm TRYING TO TRANSLATE THIS JOKE FROM MY LANGUAGE TO ENGLISH HOPE IT TRANSLATES WELL AND SORRY FOR BAD GRAMMAR**

They are enjoying a lovely evening talking about their lives as they usually do every week when they meet up, one of them is particularly excited and fails to hide her exc...

My little brother told me that onions and garlic are the only foods that make you cry

But why did he cry when i threw the coconut at his head?

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Kobe Bryant used to cry during sex.

But, then, Mace will do that to you.

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. ...

“Well, what are you gonna do about it?” He asks menacingly. I burst into tears.
“Oh come on man” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I hate to see a man crying”.
“This is the worst day of my life” I sob. “I’m a complete failure. My boss fired me for being late to a meeting. When I wen...

I once dunked over someone so hard that they started to cry...

...my brother says I'm not allowed to see my nephew anymore

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A new monk arrives at the monastery ...

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be...

What was the rallying cry of the trio of rotting leaves?

d'three of us matter!

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to ...

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Why is the little fly crying?

Because her mother eats shit for a living.

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

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I was watching a terrible porn the other day. It was some lonely fat guy, sitting on a sofa naked, masturbating and crying

Then I realised I hadn’t switched the TV on.

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

My Grandparents passed away together last night. He went peacefully in his sleep, but she was apparently distraught before dying, screaming and crying hysterically

I guess we really should've taken away his license

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

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A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.

She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a ...

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A man walks into a pub and spots a jar full of notes

He asks the barman "whats all this money in this jar for?".
The barman replies "its prize money, for the person who completes my three challenges, never been done before".

The man fancies himself a competitor regardless of the challenges and asks what they are.
"First ,you have to knock...

Kids get back into the classroom after playing at recess

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Cor...

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

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A friend of mine told me a really sad story about a time when he was crying and masturbating at the same time.

It was a real tear-jerker.

A lady goes into labour and is rushed to the hospital

She is in labour for hours and the birth is excruciating but eventually the baby comes out. The doctor taps the baby's bottom to get it to cry but nothing happens. The doctor then uses a little more force and smacks the baby's bottom harder but still nothing. The mother is getting extremely worried....

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I do sex like I do my homework.

Slam it on the table very hard , do it passionately for 2 minutes , get tired , go watch the TV rest of the night , and cry and regeret about it .

Three friends die and go to heaven...

and meet God at the gate. God tells them that he will give them cars to drive into heaven, but first they have to tell him how many times they cheated on their wives, and they shouldn't bother lying because he has a big record book of every person's actions.

God turns to the first man and ask...

It's sad that men don't cry:

But it's not enough to make a man cry.

What's does Drum and Bass have in common with my crying son?

160 beats per minute

Why did the little strawberry cry?

Because her mother was in a jam.

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

A man saw a boy sitting on the curb, crying.

He said "Why are you sad, little boy?"

Kid said "I lost my harmonica." The kind man then gave the sullen boy a razor blade, which the boy happily started playing on, and his smile just grew wider and wider.

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A little Irish boy was sitting on the side of the road crying when an man walks by...

...The man says to the boy, "Whats the matter son?"

"My father just passed away," the boy replied.

"Oh lord that is terrible. Would you like me to call Father Fitzpatrick?"

"Oh, no" says the boy, "sex is the last thing I want right now."

Bill and Bob..

Bill and Bob, two ten year olds, were sitting in the waiting room of a pediatric clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, but mom said they ...

A little girl crying goes to see her dad

- Daddy ! Everyone one at school is making fun of me because of my big mouth !
Her dad: Don’t worry, it’s nothing ! Now take your shovel and eat your soup !

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

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