Cry Jokes

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

What starts with "O" ends with "nions" and sometimes makes you cry?

Opinions

What's black, 12 inches long, 2 inches across, and makes people cry?

A cop's flashlight

Onions make you cry

My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a Coconut at his face.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?

It had a bison.

The best time to cry is when you're cutting onions.

Cuz everyone thinks it's just the onions.

Why do couples cry at the altar?

Eye Dew.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

What do you call a hand cream that makes you cry?

A moist-your-eyes-er

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Make You Laugh, Make You Cry

A man walks into a bar and approaches a patron he points out the window to a nearby donkey and says, “I bet you 5 bucks I can make that donkey laugh”. The patron thinks it over and agrees, “you’re on, there’s no way you can make that donkey laugh”. The man walks outside and approaches the donkey, th...

After 4 Years of therapy, my therapist said something that made me break down and cry.

He said: No Hablo Ingles

After 12 years of regular sessions, my therapist said something that made me cry immensely.

"No habla Ingles".

​

^(Courtesy of Woody Allen (I think))

A lot of Michael Jackson's songs make me cry

They're very touching.

Did you hear kim jung-un doesnt cry at any funerals?

Hes un-bereaveable

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How do you make a door cry?

Twist its knob

What would you call a communist vegetable that makes you cry?

a soviet onion

They say that whenever Superman hears a woman's high-pitched cry for help, he immediately comes.

BDSM must really turn him on.

Why did the antivaxxers 3 year old cry

He was having a midlife crisis

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working...

I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.

What did the air stewardess say after she made Abcde cry?

I JK

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Could you make a horse cry??

Crying Horse

Man walks into a bar and sits down. Next to him there is a jar full of money with a note, " Make the horse laugh and you get all of the money in the jar." So the man heads for the horse in the back room of the bar. The man whispers in the horses ear, and the horse laughs hysteric...

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

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I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

I couldn't cry at a 7:00 am funeral

I guess I'm not a mourning person.

Why did the little strawberry cry?

Cause his mom was in a jam.

When is a good time to cry about someone’s death?

In the mourning.

How do you make a coffee maker cry?

With a very dark roast.

I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

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Why does Bill Cosby cry during sex?

Pepper spray.

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to "Children in Need."

My father is the strongest, most stoic person I've ever met. I've never seen him cry in my life even when he was fighting cancer. I took him to the dentist and when he's done he came out weeping like a baby. I asked him, "Dad, what happened?"

And he said, "The dentist gave me fillings."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl cry?

Ten-tickles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scientists have discovered a man in Japan who cannot cry.

They've labeled him "unbereavable".

The saddest thing in the world is a child's cry after their bike is stolen

So I try to pedal away as fast as I can.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Call her.

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started to cry...

because I know what it's like to grow up without a dad.

I just made a woman cry.

I just told her that she looked like thanos, I guess that’s why she snapped...

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."

The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."

The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.

The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his suicide attempt has ...

If a comedy is something that makes you laugh and a tragedy is something that cry, what's a dramady?

I believe it's a type of camel.

you can’t cry over spilled milk

but spilled wine is a whole different story...

What made Hitler cry?

The gas bill.

Fred is sick and wants to leave work

fred: Sir, I'm sick. I want a one day leave.

Boss: When i get sick i kiss my wife and my weakness goes away. try it

Fred: Okay sir, I'll try.

Boss: Good

next day

Fred: Sir, I tried

Boss: How was it?

Fred: first your wife hesitated, then she enjoyed it...

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is passing through a small town and sees a horse tied up in front of a bar

There's a sign next to the horse that says "Make this horse laugh, win $500 and free drinks for the night"

The man decides to give it a shot. He walks up to the horse and whispers something in his ear.

The horse bursts out laughing.

The bartender is shocked and begrudgingly pa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

I always cry on the first day of the weekend

It's a sadder-day

My girl started to cry really loud..

So I figured "perhaps she wants a diaper". I tried putting a diaper on but she just started screaming louder and kicking hard at me.

So I figured "maybe she is tires?". I tried putting her to bed but she just rolled around screaming even louder and throwing stuff at me.

Then I figured ...

My English is so bad it made my wife cry. So I pat her on the back and said,

"their their"

Onions.

I remember crying when my dad chopped onions.

Onions was a good dog. I miss him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.


But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

I passed a homeless man in an alley last week and it made me cry.

I still can't sit down.

Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.

How do you make a baby stop crying?

Drop it again.

TIL babies cry in accents

I also learned that going around making foreign babies cry is apparently looked down upon

I'm gonna go cry in front of a mirror.

I'll see myself pout.

A lot of people cry when they cut onions..

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

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