Cry Jokes

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

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I was watching a porno and it was just this fat dude crying and jerking off

then I realised I hadn't turned my computer on yet

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How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex?

Call her and tell her

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I called my college roommate all sorts of bad names, but the only one that made him cry was “olive oil”

Both are extra virgin

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry,

so I threw a coconut at his face.

What do you say when your English teacher is crying?

"There, their, they're".

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

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I saw an old man sitting on a park bench, crying

He looked and sounded miserable. I stopped and asked him what's wrong.

He said, "I'm 75 years old.

I said, "Yeah?"

He said, "I'm extremely wealthy"

I said, "Yeah?"

He said, "I'm married to a 25 year old super model who actually loves me and isn't just in it for the...

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A middle school boy comes home crying...

His dad asks, "What's wrong, son?" "A boy at school called me gay!" the son replied. The dad then says, "Well, if he does it again, you can punch him in the face." The boy then stated, "But he's cute!"

i started crying when dad was cutting onions...

onions was such a good dog.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell the kid is “God is crying”

And if the kid asks why is God is crying, another cute thing to tell the kid is “probably because of something you did”

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

My son came up to me crying.

"Dad, I left my girlfriend because she was popping holes in my condom."

I frowned. "Sounds like you dodged a bullet there."

"Yeah, sort of," he replied.

"So, why the tears?"

He said, "I was wearing it at the time."

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

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A man goes to the beach and sees a woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline.

He walks up to her and asks her what's wrong.

She says, "I've never been hugged before."

The man hugs her, says, "There, now you've been hugged," and leaves.

The next day, another man goes to the beach and sees the woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline. He walk...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Some people say they cry when they cut up onions.

I find the secret to not crying is, don't form an emotional bond with them.

I walked out of a goodwill store one time and found this woman crying.

She had just lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I just found.

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "We've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world? We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied, "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "w...

This joke will Make you Cry out of Happiness!

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water!

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

He's got mace in his eyes.

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What's the difference between an onion and a prostitute?

I cry when I chop up an onion

Why did Lot start crying at dinner?

Abraham asked him to pass the salt

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?



Midlife crisis

How do you get an entire navy to cry?

Tell the Baltic fleet they're going to the Pacific ocean!

A young mother was trying to breastfeed her 2 years old crying baby on a bus on her way home.

''Oh John, come on. Not now! If you
don't open your mouth ..." She glanced at an old man sitting right next to her and whispered under her breath ''I will nurse the old man!"

But the baby kept crying and whining.

''John. Stop crying. Or I'll nurse the old man! Now open your mouth!"...

What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?

Opinions

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

If you cry people won’t notice you, if you smile people won’t notice you too

But if you fart it is completely different story

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

Why does a bride always cry at her wedding?

Cus she never marries the best man

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

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Why did Shaq cry at Kobe’s funeral?

Because he finally saw Kobe pass.

My sister thought she was soo smart, she said the only vegetable/fruit that can make her cry is a onion

So I threw a coconut at her

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There's always yelling, crying and plate throwing.

Also, it's hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.

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I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

People are like onions They make me cry

but they smell good when they're cooking

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Man gets home from work and finds his wife crying in the kitchen.

‘What’s wrong , honey? ‘ he asks all worried.

‘ I went to the doctor today and as he examined me he said I had a beautiful pussy ‘ his wife sobbed.

The man got angry and jumped into the car and drive to the Doctors surgery, he rushed into the office and grabbing the Doctor by the throa...

A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....

Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"

Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"

Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"

Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."

My girlfriend told me she’s pregnant which made me cry...

I know what it is like to grow up without a father

Dixie Kong ran up to Donkey Kong crying..

"What wrong?" asked Donkey Kong.

"Someone told me I could get bananas from a hornet's nest so I hit it and the hornets came out and chased me!" Dixie sobs.

"Sounds like you did a Diddy." says Donkey.

"A Diddy? What's that mean?" asks Dixie.

DK explains, "I'm sayin, 'Do a ...

Why do babies always cry on planes?

Because they go from at no fear to atmosphere!

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How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who the fuck cares, let them cry in the dark.

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

My mother broke down crying when I gave the eulogy at my sister's funeral

I didn't think my ventriloquism was *that* bad

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:

**Don't get emotionally attached.**

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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what, I think it's time we started swearing" said the 7 year old.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 4 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have Frosties, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his ey...

If you see someone crying, ask:

“Is it because of your haircut?”

Anyone who thinks onions are the only vegetable that makes you cry

has never been hit in the face with a turnip.

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.

"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."

"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.

"He's ...

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Obama went to meet Putin in Moscow…

…After dinner at the kremlin, Putin asks Obama to join him in a separate room. He leads Obama into a white room with three red buttons and a two- way mirror, and he closes the door behind him.

Not knowing what to do, Obama decides to press the first button. He pressed it and a giant boxing gl...

Cristiano Ronaldo has a baby.

Cristiano Ronaldo has his first parenting lesson with his new son. "Right," says the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?" "Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f**king floor," replies the baby.

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:

Man: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "I've never been hugged before."

The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.

Man: "What's wrong now?"

Woman: "I...

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Oldie but goodie. A man with no arms and no legs is hanging out on a bridge, crying.

A lady walks up to him and asks “why are you crying?”. The man responds “I was born with no arms and no legs, and life has been cruel. I’ve never felt the embrace of a woman giving me a hug”.

So the lady wraps her arms around him, tells him it’s gonna be okay, but he’s still crying. So she as...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred ha...

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”


The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydivin...

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(Long) The Amputee

A woman is walking down the beach when she spots a man with no arms and no legs crying.

"What's the matter honey?" she asks.
"I was just thinking about love and life, and how I've never really been hugged before." He replies with tears in his eyes.

Feeling bad for him, she decide...

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A husband and wife sit down for a serious discussion.

The husband holds his wife's hand and says "I know I haven't been the best husband, but I need you to know I love you, and something serious is going to happen."

The wife curiously asks "what's going to happen?"

The husband starts to cry and says "I'm going to die, the doctor has giv...

Bidding at a local auction.....

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two t...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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An old man and an old woman in a nursing home….

The old man says to the old women that he is feeling lonely since his wife passed. The woman lost her husband years ago and agrees that it can get lonely so the old man makes a suggestion. “Can you hold my dick”. The woman is disgusted but then the old man begins to cry and says his wife used to do ...

I looked out of my window this morning and saw my dad slumped over the lawnmower crying, I said to my mum "what's wrong with dad?"

"He's going through a rough patch" she said...

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.


The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by t...

This is a real joke that I did on my brother. Not some copy/pasted joke.

So I was laying down in my bed when I texted my brother and told him to come into my room. I wanted to surprise him with a gift since after all it was his 17th birthday, but the gift is actually hidden somewhere, and he has to follow a set of instructions to prepare for his quest and find its locati...

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I sleep like a baby

I cry all night, and shit myself

I went to London the other day and was mugged in broad daylight at the train station.

Naturally I burst into tears, and then a policeman came up to me and said, “I’m fining you £10.”

“For crying out loud!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly,” he replied.

The relative who wanted to borrow money

A relative just called & asked if I would loan her $1300.00 to help pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I’m always willing to help out friends & family. I told her to give me some time to think about it & I would call her back. Before I called her back, her brother called & to...

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Pinocchio

Pinocchio is in bed with his girlfriend doing what wooden boys do with their girlfriends.

When it is over, he notices she is crying. He asks her what's wrong and she says : "Oh Pinocchio, you're the sweetest lover in the world, but every time we have sex, I get splinters!"

Pinocchio i...

Why don’t British people cry at funerals?

They are used to Casual Teas

My wife has just phoned me from A&E crying.......

.......and very upset so I asked her what was wrong? She said that she had just seen her x-ray, I said don't speak to him just walk away.......

Three men die and go to heaven…

St Peter to 1st man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?

1st man: Certainly not! I loved my wife and was never unfaithful!”

St Peter to 1st man: Excellent, you get a Cadillac to drive around for all of eternity.

St Peter to 2nd man: Have you ever cheated on your wife?

2...

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

I told my son to have sweat dreams, but he started crying

He has diabetes

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

I love my job

So I was at work one night, doing the usual grind and all, when suddenly I saw a little girl crying. I asked her "whats wrong? Where are your parents?" And she just started crying even more!

God I love working at an orphanage.

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Last night I slept like a baby

Pooped my pants and woke up crying

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

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A Man Dies And Goes To Hell

He begins to cry.


Devil: why are you crying?


Man: I've been damned for all eternity.


Devil: oh it's not that bad, we spend our days living out life's sins. Do you like smoking?


Man: I love smoking.


Devil: well every Monday we smoke all sorts of ...

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

Baseball in Heaven

Steven and Richard are two old roommates who have always loved baseball.

Together, they make an arrangement. Since they're not getting any younger, the first one to die has to let the other know if there is baseball in heaven.

Specifically, a year after his death, he will sit on the do...

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Celibate

A young monk is being shown around the abbey by the abbot. They come across the scriptorium.

“This,” the abbot announces proudly, “is where we make copies of the Bible. They all come from here!” He says, pointing to a giant book chained to the center of the room.

“That’s the original...

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The young son asks the father what politics is

The young son asks the father what politics is. The father says, "Let's take our family, for example. I bring the money home, so we call me capitalism. Your mother manages the money, so we call her the government. We both look after your welfare almost exclusively, so you are the people. Our maid is...

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened

Unless it didn’t happen then keep on crying

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Sole man on an isolated island

There is an isolated island, with a sole man there.
The man doesn't know about the existence of the rest of the world, he haven't met any other people and is disconnected from the rest of humanity.

A big news company hears about it, and decides to send a news reporter to make an item about...

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

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I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

An old man was sitting on a bench in the park and crying his heart out

A passing cop stopped and asked, what happened?

Old man: I have a beautiful young wife. Every evening she cooks the most delicious meals and serves it in candle light and then we have a romantic night.

Cop: So, why are you crying?

Old man: Because, I have forgotten whe...

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