My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”

I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went ahead and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

Why was the Anti-vaxx baby crying?

It had a midlife crisis

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I was watching a terrible porn the other day. It was some lonely fat guy, sitting on a sofa naked, masturbating and crying

Then I realised I hadn’t switched the TV on.

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

What's does Drum and Bass have in common with my crying son?

160 beats per minute

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Kobe Bryant used to cry during sex.

But, then, Mace will do that to you.

A man saw a boy sitting on the curb, crying.

He said "Why are you sad, little boy?"

Kid said "I lost my harmonica." The kind man then gave the sullen boy a razor blade, which the boy happily started playing on, and his smile just grew wider and wider.

It's sad that men don't cry:

But it's not enough to make a man cry.

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A little Irish boy was sitting on the side of the road crying when an man walks by...

...The man says to the boy, "Whats the matter son?"

"My father just passed away," the boy replied.

"Oh lord that is terrible. Would you like me to call Father Fitzpatrick?"

"Oh, no" says the boy, "sex is the last thing I want right now."

Why was the 4 year old antivax kid crying

Because he was having a midlife crisis.

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

Why did the little strawberry cry?

Because her mother was in a jam.

I saw this fisherman lose an absolutely epic fish and he started crying inconsolably.

I told him "Never mind, mate. Plenty more women on the land".

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?

Officer: It was a moving violation

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

A little known fact about me is I never cry when cutting onions

Just the rest of the time.

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In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman...

She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy. The young woman replies: "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though."

"Do not worry," the pr...

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Went to the pier today and seen a lady with no arms and no legs propped up on a bench. She was crying her eyes out.

I walk up to her and said “What’s wrong?” She replies “I’ve never been hugged before.” I looked around and gave her a hug. The next day I encounter the same woman, crying again on the pier. I ask her again, “What’s wrong now?”She says” I’ve never been kissed before.” So I kissed her, but she start...

Deforestation is so sad it makes me cry...

*reached for a handful of tissue*

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A girl started crying after I told her a joke

I said that if she was a rapper, her name would be lil boobies.

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family

Last Christmas I made Santa cry...

How you may ask? Just pinch his sack!

A lot of people cry when cutting onions.

The key is to not form an emotional bond.

Anti-vax mom: Doctor, my baby won't stop crying!

Doctor: He's just going through a mid-life crisis.

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I took my son to see Santa today for the first time, but as soon as he sat on his knee, he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job man, I fucking hate it."

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After a big accident, Dave was crying "O God! I have lost my left hand?"

John: Oh, Stop crying! grow a clit will ya! See that man he has lost his head, do you see him moping?

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

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I used to cry during sex

but now pepper spray doesn't really effect me anymore.

Why was 10 crying?

He was right in the middle of 9/11

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

Saw a guy in an AA van crying his eyes out today

I thought, he’s having a breakdown

Zeus walks into a bar, crying.

The bartender asks, "Child support again?"

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

Can anyone recommend me a book that made you cry?

\- Problems in General Physics. I read that in high school, and it still gives me the creeps.

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Do you ever cry then masterbate and feel better?

Yeah I never feel better either

My friend thought that an onion is the only food that can make you cry

So I threw a coconut at his head

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on, "Take your child to work day" and as they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying…

Her father asked her what was wrong.

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed, "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with."

I used to cry when my dad cut onions

Onions was a good dog, I miss him dearly

A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!”

“Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

Why were the classified documents crying?

They had very sensitive information.

My wife just found out she's adopted. She is devastated and kept asking "why didn't they want me?". I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked me to make love to her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting "who is your daddy" was a little insensitive..

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

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I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sau...

A crying women walks up to man selling fruit on the street,

Man: Hey what’s wrong?

Women: My boyfriend and I tried to run away and get married but we were caught by my parents. My parents wanted a big formal but we don’t want to do that.

Man: Oh I’m so sorry, can I offer you some fruit on the house?

Women: Oh thank you, I would love some...

Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. When you're worried, nobody feels your pain. When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.

But fart just one time...

I came out of Asda earlier and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money that she’d been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her i gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

How do you make a snake cry?

Take away its rattle.

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby."
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"
The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The...

I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

he's just going through a rough patch!

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Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945

Did you know kim jung-un doesnt cry at funerals?

Hes un-bereaveable...

A man got mocked and bullied all of his life because he had a girl’s name.

He got married and was so happy that someone treated him normally.

His wife had a baby girl, who she named Love, in honor of their love and his unique name.

She was also mocked and bullied at school.

One day she couldn’t take it anymore. Love shot her dad in the chest and scre...

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do, to get your wife to cry during sex?

You call her

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 ...

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases."

"In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how ...

Jokes on you!

>! We're no strangers to love!<
>!You know the rules and so do I!<
>!A full commitment's what I'm thinking of!<
>!You wouldn't get this from any other guy!<

>!I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling!<
>!Gotta make you understand!<

>!Neve...

I think my family is racist

I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend

My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things

Samwise is preparing for his wedding...

He gathers his fellow hobbits around and then turns to Pippin.
"Pippin, I want you to be my best man."
Pippin is overjoyed, but before he can celebrate, there's a sound of someone crying, he turns and sees Frodo standing there with teary eyes.
"But Sam, what about me?" Frodo so...

My friend and I made a bet, who can make the other person cry first using food.

While he went off to shop for onions, I got a coconut, and as he was pulling into the driveway from the grocery store, I threw it into him, smashing the window.

He lost the bet, a window, and a tooth.

Remember when we would cry as kids and our parents would say "I'll give you something to cry about."

We though they were gonna hit us but then they went and destroyed the ozone, housing market, and affordable college.

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

A horse is crying because it lost the Melbourne Cup.

The horse’s friend says “don’t put yourself down over it!”

There were three guys on a plane

The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane.
The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane.
The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of t...

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

I cry every time I make love. You know why?

Mace.

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Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.”

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, ...

One day the famous inventor Thomas Newcomen sits in a pub, crying.

Someone comes up to him and asks him what's wrong. Thomas stifles a sob and says, "Someone made a steam engine that's better than mine."

The guy asked him, "What are you talking about?"

Thomas replies, "Precisely."

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

A man was voting for his favorite movie, he wanted to say it was Pixar’s UP because he loves the story about the cranky old man and the little kid. But he also doesn’t like crying in public and the opening sequence makes him cry every single time and that makes him angry. He eventually said . . .

Take my angry Up vote

Why was the ink drop crying?

Because his mom was in the pen and didn’t know how long the sentence was.

i see my boyfriend crying one day

I ask him whats wrong. he replies, “the world is flat!” “no it’s not silly,” i say, to try to comfort him. “but you’re my world”

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Hitler dies and walks up the staircase to the Pearly Gates. As he arrives, he is crying in agony.

"I see you are sorry about what you did," says St. Peter, "so I forgive you all your sins and you shall enter Heaven now."

"Thank you," Hitler replies, "it really hurts when you hit your toe on one of those fucking stairs."

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

When they cry in the middle of the night you can turn to your SO and whisper on their ear 'Gotham needs you!' and they will get up.

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A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.

B: I love you more.

Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.

A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.

She asks : Where is Mike?

Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?

Girl is shocked and start...

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

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An Englishman and an Irishman go out drinking one night....

The Englishman says to the Irishman, " listen paddy I wish I could stay out drinking with you but I'm skint."

Padd
y says, "aye George, I just spent my last few quid too.... but I've got an idea: go up and order two more drinks and a sausage and mash and tell them to put it on a tab." ...

Some people say onions are the only veg that make you cry

They've never been hit in the face by a turnip

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A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely

"I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me" He said, sobbing to the bartender.. "My wifes been sleeping with someone else." He explained.

The bartender, in shock replied "I wont kill you. If I were you, I'd kill the guy who fucked my wife."

"Fine." The crying man replied. He retur...

I found my dad crying. He said he was chopping Onions

Onions was our dog

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A son comes home from school and hugs his mother crying

He says: I don't want to go back to school and I'll give you two reasons why.



The mother says: Ok, what are your reasons?



Son: All the kids hate me and all the teachers hate me.



Mother: You're going to go back to school, and I'll give you one reason ...

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A son goes crying to his mom..

Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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