My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

What do you say to your sister when shes crying?

Are you having a crisis?

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

How do you make a snake cry?

Take away its rattle.

My brother said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.

I threw a coconut at his face

Did you know kim jung-un doesnt cry at funerals?

Hes un-bereaveable...

A man was voting for his favorite movie, he wanted to say it was Pixar’s UP because he loves the story about the cranky old man and the little kid. But he also doesn’t like crying in public and the opening sequence makes him cry every single time and that makes him angry. He eventually said . . .

Take my angry Up vote

My friend and I made a bet, who can make the other person cry first using food.

While he went off to shop for onions, I got a coconut, and as he was pulling into the driveway from the grocery store, I threw it into him, smashing the window.

He lost the bet, a window, and a tooth.

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What do you do, to get your wife to cry during sex?

You call her

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

How do you make a T-Rex cry?

Say "Clap your hands."

Some people say onions are the only veg that make you cry

They've never been hit in the face by a turnip

I cry every time I make love. You know why?


What does an alcoholic cry?


You know how kids sometimes cry for the most ridiculous reasons ever?

Well, I was on a bus on my way home when this boy sitting there suddenly decided that he wants to walk, but his dad kept telling him that he can't. So when the boy started crying because of that, I was laughing so hard, because why would you want to walk in the bus? Just stay in your wheelchair.

My dad was in the kitchen chopping onions and I started to cry.

Onions was a good boy.

Why did the school shooter cry?

He missed his classmates.

Remember when we would cry as kids and our parents would say "I'll give you something to cry about."

We though they were gonna hit us but then they went and destroyed the ozone, housing market, and affordable college.

I always cry at the same point in the movies.

Right at the ticket window.

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?


What did the Chinese guy's family say after he didn't cry at his own fathers funeral?


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Why did the homophobic buffalo cry?

It had a bison.

Why did Sean Connery cry while he was fisting Tupac?

Because he was feeling in Shakur

What's black, 12 inches long, 2 inches across, and makes people cry?

A cop's flashlight

Why do couples cry at the altar?

Eye Dew.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have three different cigarette burns on my right arm that have never went away.

The first one came from me being incredibly drunk and telling my friends that they could burn me with it if they wanted because “mama didn’t raise no bitch”

The second one was from being really drunk a different time and my friends telling me that I was afraid to get burned with a cigarette a...

Why did the antivaxxers 3 year old cry

He was having a midlife crisis

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

What do you call a hand cream that makes you cry?

A moist-your-eyes-er

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 12 years of regular sessions, my therapist said something that made me cry immensely.

"No habla Ingles".

^(Courtesy of Woody Allen (I think))

What would you call a communist vegetable that makes you cry?

a soviet onion

I couldn't cry at a 7:00 am funeral

I guess I'm not a mourning person.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m an asshole on the outside, but I’m like an onion

You peel back the layers, find the same thing and just start crying

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How do you make a door cry?

Twist its knob

They say that whenever Superman hears a woman's high-pitched cry for help, he immediately comes.

BDSM must really turn him on.

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

What did the air stewardess say after she made Abcde cry?


I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working...

I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Bill Cosby cry during sex?

Pepper spray.

I was chopping up onions and my kids started to cry.

Onions is a stupid name for a dog anyway.

I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

Why did the little strawberry cry?

Cause his mom was in a jam.

I learned in Culinary School today the only way to cut Onions and not cry.....

You have to not become emotionally attached to the Onion.

How do you make a coffee maker cry?

With a very dark roast.

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to "Children in Need."

When is a good time to cry about someone’s death?

In the mourning.

My father is the strongest, most stoic person I've ever met. I've never seen him cry in my life even when he was fighting cancer. I took him to the dentist and when he's done he came out weeping like a baby. I asked him, "Dad, what happened?"

And he said, "The dentist gave me fillings."

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How many tickles does it take to make a Japanese girl cry?


When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started to cry...

because I know what it's like to grow up without a dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists have discovered a man in Japan who cannot cry.

They've labeled him "unbereavable".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What made Hitler cry?

The gas bill.

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says "I'll have some H20."

The second chemist says "I'll have some H20 too."

The bartender, catching on quickly, gives them both glasses of water.

The second chemist steps out behind the bar and begins crying, realizing that his suicide attempt has ...

I just made a woman cry.

I just told her that she looked like thanos, I guess that’s why she snapped...

If a comedy is something that makes you laugh and a tragedy is something that cry, what's a dramady?

I believe it's a type of camel.

Why did the abusive dad’s child cry?

Beats me.

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