The 70+ Best Cry Jokes - ↑UPJOKE↑

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

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A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing…

A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what" says 7 year old
"I think its time we started swearing.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'lI swear first then you".
"OK" says 4 year old.
Mum asks 7 yr old what he wants for breakfast. "I'II have Coco pops, bitch"....

An eight year old girl went to the office with her Dad on a "Take your kid to work day".

As they were walking around the office the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing. Her father asked what was wrong with her?

As the concerned office staff gathered around she sobbed loudly "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

Why did Han Solo cry during his steak dinner?

Because it was Chewie.

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How do you make your wife cry during sex?

You call her

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we rea...

I saw a elderly woman in Walmart crying

She told me she had lost all her money for groceries. I felt bad for her so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found laying in the parking lot.

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A woman came crying to her husband and said,

“I was sitting on that park bench when that man over there walked up to me and said he wanted to fill my pussy with ice cream and eat it all up.”

Her husband says, “ok?”

Wife: Well aren’t you going to do something? Aren’t you going to go over there and teach him a lesson?

Husba...

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

Banned from the grocery store

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double

….for crying scenes

3 kids are late getting back into the classroom from recess.

Little Johnny comes in and the teacher says “why are you late?” He says “I was playing in the sandbox with Mikey and Charlie.”

The teacher says “well, I’ll let you out of detention if you can spell ‘sand.” Johnny spells it out loud “S-A-N-D.”

Mikey comes in next and the teacher says ...

What do you call a tree that's crying?

Mourning wood.

Authenticity for lonely people

So I broke down and called a hooker who advertised "real girlfriend experience". She came in without knocking, told me I was a slob, nagged me to take out the garbage, said I was a loser with no future and criticized me for playing video games for hours. Accused me of cheating on her, ate all my foo...

A man’s wife was lying in bed crying.

Her husband walks in and asks “what’s wrong?”

“I had a dream where a prince took me from you” she replies.

The husband says “Oh my dear, relax it was just a dream.”

To which the wife retorts “that’s why I’m crying!”

When it's your Cake Day you share a Cake joke!

Mother: Why is your little brother crying?
Son: Because I won’t give him my piece of cake.
Mother: ls his piece gone?
Son: Yes - he cried when I ate that, too.

Chuck Norris had a nightmare

The nightmare ran into its moms room crying

Why did the garlic break up with the onion?

Because the onion kept making it cry… and the garlic couldn’t take the smell anymore!

Kindness

A blind old lady gets on a bus. All the seats are taken. An old man sees how nobody is willing to give up their seat for her. After a bit of hesitation, he gets up, takes her by the hand, and brings her to his seat. As she sits, he looks at the crowd and scowls as the bus leaves the stop.

Lat...

As we were leaving the cemetery we saw a man kneeling at a grave site.

He was crying and saying "Why did you have to die?" over and over. We decided to see if we could help out in some way, so I asked him if this was the grave of a close friend or of a family member?

He said "Neither, it's my wife's first husband."

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Wholesome family dinner conversation

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
...

Things have gotten so bad lately, I broke down crying to “only god knows why”

I’ve officially hit Kid Rock Bottom

A six-year-old comes crying to his mom...

He's crying because his sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry" said the mom, "your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts".

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time her daughter is crying and her son says "Now she knows".

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My therapist just diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and extreme indecisiveness.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

George found Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically. George stopped and ran to him.

"Tim! Are you all right?"
Sobbing, Tim moaned,
"Look at my new car!" pointing to it, wrapped around a tree.
"Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."
"But look inside the car."
George did and said,
"Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry!
You can always get...

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."

...

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

A Fairy and the farmer

A buffalo suddenly dies unknowingly in a farming family, whole family got upset.

One night the father came out of his house and started crying near the well. Suddenly a fairy comes up from the well..She asked why is he crying? he tells her the reason that his his buffalo has died.

She ...

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A mom walks into her son's room one morning...

Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."

Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"

M: "Why not?"

S: "Because all the kids hate me!"

M: "But you have to go."

S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"

M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 year...

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said, as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly comi...

What was the most common reason ancient Egyptians would cry?

They missed their mummies.

I saw a woman crying on a bench.

I asked her why she was crying and she said, "Sit next to me, and I'll tell you." So I sat, and she said, "This bench was just painted."

Mr. Meyer sees a young boy crying bitterly on the street.

"Why are you crying?" He asks him. "What has happened?"

"I lost a coin and I can not find it," says the boy.

"There there little one, don't cry." He says, handing the boy something.

"Here's a matchstick in case you can't find it by nightfall."

A cabbie picks up a nun...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old...

A Rabbi is Traveling.

On his way, he stops through the town of Trid. As he walks through the town, he notices how empty it is. All the windows are shuttered and the doors are bolted shut. Eventually, he makes it to the center of town, where he finds a man hurrying through the streets.

“Excuse me, sir!” the rabbi c...

When the doctor delivered my son. He announced he's going to be a farmer!

I asked how he could tell.
He said, "because he's crying already."

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

A kid comes running to their mum, crying...

...mum asks why.
Kid: "Daddy hit his thumb with a hammer!"
Mum: "That is unfortunate, but no reason for you to cry"
Kid: "Yes, I laughed, at first"

How many emo kids does it take to screw a lightbulb?

None because they sit in the dark and cry.

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Monastery Spelling Mistake

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error i...

You hear about the kid who lost the spelling bee on the word "dairy"?

...I told him there's no use crying over misspelled milk.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

The unlucky man

There was a very unlucky man , who whenever starts a job, they go bankrupt in a week, whenever he goes to a wedding, they get divorced in a month, whenever he buys a car, it get wrecked in days, ...etc

one day he decided to run away, thinking that even if he brings his bad luck abroad, ...

What do you suggest I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this ...

A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make him cry.

So I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

I want to die in my sleep like my dad

Not screaming and crying like the passengers on his plane

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Two brothers learn to swear

And they recently learned the F word. So during breakfast, one morning, they figured it would be cool to try it out on their dad. When Dad asked “hey kids, what would you like for breakfast?”, the eldest boy responds “Dad. Give us a bowl of fucking Wheaties!”.

Angered by this response the da...

A lady and her foul mouthed bird

So a lady just recently lost her husband and is feeling lonely, so she decided to get a pet, she goes to the pet store and gets a parrot, she bring a it home and it keeps saying the most awful rude and hateful things, she goes back to the pet store and tells the manager, “Hey, my bird is saying such...

A Mime Goes To The Zoo...

The mime, who has been down on his luck, begins to perform his act in the middle of the zoo. Just as a small crowd is beginning to gather, a couple of zookeepers come by and escort him away.

The zookeepers bring the mime to see the head zookeeper, who admits to the mime that recently their m...

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Students training to be police officers were given the following difficult examination question.

**A student training to be police officer was given the following difficult examination question:**

>"You're on street patrol when an explosion occurs on a nearby road. You investigate and discover an overturned van besides a large crater. Both occupants of the van are injured, and smell ...

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Escape convict...

A young couple was woken up by an escaped convict in their bedroom, the convict put a knife on the husband's neck and instructed them not to make a sound. The convict then tied the husband's hands to a door knob and tied his foot together. He then proceeded to the bed and tied up the woman's hands...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

An old farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door, and a very pretty young lady dressed in an extremely sheer negligee answered.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side, showing her breast, and asked, “Are they as ...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

“Mom I think I’m adopted!”

Mom: No you’re not Nathan! Why would you say such a thing!?

Nathan: Well, I’ve just got the results back from a DNA test that I did and it says I’ve got no living relatives?!

Mom: This is nonsense, let’s show this to your dad…

Dad *walks in*: Well of course he’s not our son, don...

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I watching a weird porn the other day; it was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time….

then realized I hadn't turned the TV on.

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Just saw Amber Heard try to fake cry during the trial.

Can’t really tell if she’s a shitty actress or just a shitting actress.

A bereaved widow goes to view her husband's body in the mortuary....

The mortuary assistant opens the casket, and bows his head solemnly. Upon seeing her husband, the widow starts crying huge tears and wailing loudly. The assistant quickly moves to comfort her.

Still wailing, the widow explains that she can't bear to see her husband wearing a suit. In life he ...

It wasn't easy, but me and my wife decided we do not want children

We will be telling them tomorrow.

Edit: They didn't take it that well, they just kept crying when we left them at gas station.

Edit 2: Oh, it's all fine, a group of old men comforted them and brought them to their van for sweets, we left in good faith.

Putin, Xi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Kim and Duterte are relaxing in bed after group coitus, when Trump sits bolt upright and says…

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry...

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

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A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

One of my buddies made a trans girl cry yesterday. So I angrily asked, "How could you..."

"... propose to her without telling me first?"

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

A boy goes up to his father and asks...

- Hey dad, can i date with the neighbour's daughter, Alice?

+No, because i am her dad, the father answers.

-Okay then i will date Olivia.

+Nope, she is also my daughter.

-Charlotte?

+She too.

-Then what about Emma???

+She too.

The boy g...

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