An old man was on his death bed.

He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."


At the funeral, each man put an envelo...

A women went to a hotel

A women went to a hotel for one night and was shocked when she got the bill of $250 the next day.

So she went to the manager and complained about how expensive it was for one night

"I am sorry mam but there was multiple services you could of used" said the manager

"But I didn't ...

Why do Baby-Boomers always pay by cheque?

Because they hate change.

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque.

As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trudeau: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, t...

What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?

Cheque, mate!

My friend heard about an African village trying to raise enough money to sink a well for fresh water. He sent them a cheque for $100...

...I sent them a "Get well soon" card

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welfare Cheque

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a jo...

After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide

CHECK CZECH CHEQUES

A New Metal has been added to Chemistry

Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.


**PHYSICAL PROPERTIES**

- Boils at any time
- Can freeze at any time
- Melts if treated with love
- Very Bitter if Mishandled


**CHEMICAL PROPERTIES** ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

Bush , Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and went to hell.

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next...

A rich businessman enters a bar and announces he’s looking for a good deal.

Before long an old man approaches him with an old lamp. “Excuse me sir, would you like to buy this very rare lamp?”

“For how much?” The businessman asks.

“1.5 billion dollars. A steal, if you ask me. It is worth much more” The old man says.

“1.5 BILLION DOLLARS?!” The businessma...

[long] An old man wanted to be burried with all his money

An old man who worked very hard his entire life loved money more then anything else. Even his own wife he was married with for over 50 years. When he was getting very sick he asked his wife to bury him with all his money! His wife agreed because she loved him more then anything in the world.

...

80 year old guy goes into a jewellers with a gorgeous 25 year blonde.

He tells the jeweller he just met this fine young lady and wants to treat her to something special. The jeweller pulls out a $5000 dollar ring and asks if that will do? The old guy says damn no this lady is way more special than that. So the jeweller pulls out a $20,000 rings and asks if that is spe...

A blonde drops her car off at a garage and then pops off to the bar. When she comes back she says "whasmatter wi ma car?"

"Piston broke"
"Okay, don't worry, I'll write you a cheque"

A lady decided to give herself a treat

A lady decided to give herself a treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of Melbourne's most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $500.
She exploded, demanding to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her $500 wa...

What does an Australian dinner out and a chess match have in common?

The both end with someone saying Cheque Mate!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tired nurse just finished a double shift.

After 24 straight hours of work she finally gets to go home. As she’s driving she passes a bank. Realizing she has to cash a cheque and it shouldn’t wait she hesitantly turns around and heads back. After waiting in line she finally gets to the teller. She begins to sign the cheque. Nothing. She trie...

What bounces and makes kids cry?

My donation cheque to "Children in Need."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave and his wife were checking out of a hotel...

"Double bed, that will be £300" says the receptionist.


"£300?" Says Dave, "But we only stayed for one night!"


"Yes, but you have to understand, the Royal Hotel is the most illustrious hotel in Ireland, we have a top of the range spar and a 18 hole golf course"


"But I...

An old lady treats herself.

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the receptionist handed her a bill for £250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The old Mailman

A 65-year old mailman decided it was time to retire. When the small
commmunity he worked for found out, they decided they should do
something nice for him, since he'd served them for the past 45
years.

So, the last day on the job, the mailman went up to the first house,
and the ho...

I want to recommend a book that helped me through my life.

My fathers cheque book is very useful; I advise you get it too!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Bishop wakes up horny in an Italian Cathedral

He finds a nice quiet corner to have a quick wank. Just as he is finishing off the flash of a camera jars him back to reality. He looks up to see an American tourist with fancy camera in his hands. The Bishop zips up and says “I have to have that camera, will you sell it to me?” The tourist isn’t si...

A man calls the IRS office

"Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on the cheque you sent me for my tax return, you've written it as cyirwu."

"I'm sorry about that, could you spell it out for me?"

"Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A long way

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body... The officer got to choose what those two parts wo...

"I'm not a fool..."

An illiterate man loses his cheque book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your cheque book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: I am not a fool... I already signed all the cheques, so there is no space to forge my...

I met a British Redditor.

His username cheques out.

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

[LONG] The life of an old man.

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys ...

I got a letter from the bank saying I was still in debt.

I don't know why, I sent them a cheque.

Probably it was an Engagement Ring

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd...

Bernie demands change...

whereas Hillary prefers cards or cheques.

The Magic Mirror

3 women walk into a bar, a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead. The barkeep says that there's a rumor going around that the third mirror in the ladies restroom is enchanted, and if you say something true to it, it will grant you your hearts greatest desire. But beware, for if you lie, you will disappe...

Instead of coming home from work one Friday afternoon

a man blew his weekly pay cheque by staying out with his friends all weekend and partying. When be finally went home on the Sunday night, his wife was understandably furious. She berated him for over an hour before screaming, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two whole days?'

'A...

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman -

"Which book has helped you most in your life?"

The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book !!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into the welfare office...

He's wearing gold chains, a gold earring, expensive shoes and a track suit, and as he goes up to collect his cheque, he says to the woman at the desk, "I hate that people always abuse the system", and the woman replies "well we do offer jobs as well, actually we are looking for someone to be an assi...

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.

The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began
to boast about his past.

"Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."

The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the hors...

The Waiter and the Tip

A Waiter greeting a young couple at a table, recognizes that the man he is serving is Bill Gate's son, Rory Gates! Excited at the prospect of a generous tip, the waiter tried his best to please Mr.Gates and his date. Sure enough, when the couple was done with their dinner, they had left a tip of $10...

The Indian Driver

An Indian guy was driving with his family, when he noticed that a cop car was following him. After a couple seconds, he pulled over, and one of the cops came out to his window. He rolled it down and asked, "Is there a problem, officer?"

The cop said, "No, no problem at all, sir. We have been ...

A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.

He clears his throat and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".

No one speaks up. Gradually the co...

New metals are added to chemistry

A new metal is added to chemistry:

• NAME

- Husband

• SYMBOL:

- Hb

• ATOMIC WEIGHT:

1. Light when found first
2. Tends to get heavier over the years with time

• PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Boils at any time with inlaws
2. Can...

Morals and ethics

Little Mick came home from school one day quite perplexed. 'Dad, the teacher was telling us about morals and ethics today and I still don't understand the difference. What is it?'

'Well son, you know that I am a solicitor so let me explain with an example. Let's say that old Mrs Murphy comes ...