I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

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Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

What did the hydraulic press say to the air pump?

You’re pretty depressing aren’t you

What do you call a relative of Lil Pump?

A Pump-Kin

This just in: Michael Jackson stomach pump reveals he passed from food poisoning.

He had digested some 12 year old nuts

I couldn't believe how expensive the new bike pump was!

I hadn't considered inflation

Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.

Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.

I just had to pay £1 at the garage to pump up my tires.

That's inflation for you.

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Two aliens walk up to a gas pump

Two aliens, a general and his lieutenant, walk up to a gas pump. The general, while pointing a gun at the pump says “take me to your leader!”.

The gas pump obviously says nothing. The second alien in command tells his general “hey man I don’t think you should mess with this guy”.

Wit...

Women smoking a cigarette at the pump

I only pass these on....

You will not believe what just happened.. I pulled into the gas station to get a coffee. When I walked up I noticed these 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas... I saw her and thought, "Is she stupid?!! With the cops right there?!"
But anywa...

What is Lil Pump's favourite breakfast?

Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain, Nutri Gain.





(say it fast)

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2 aliens meet a gas pump

2 aliens crash land in Roswell NM. Walk up to a gas station pump , pull out a ray gun and say:

Alien 1: take me to your leader.
Gas pump just sits there
Alien 2 umm..., you probably shouldn’t mess with him..
Alien 1... nah man he knows. He’s part of the collective
Alien 2: 🙄
...

My wife has to pump breast milk multiple times a day and she's always complaining about it.

I think she's just milking it.

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I have a coworker just back off maternity leave who takes extra long breaks to pump her breasts..

She is really milking it.

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Today I went to a gas station and switched the Regular, Plus, and Premium buttons on all the pumps...

April Fuels!

How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?

"LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"

What does a redneck do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

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One night, two aliens descend from outer space...

...and land their little spaceship next to an old gas station in a small town. They get out and walk up to one of the old gas pumps.
The little alien says
"Take me to your leader."
The gas pump doesn't say or do anything. Slightly annoyed, the little alien repeats
"Take me to your lea...

My wife finished breastfeeding our son so I threw out her old breast pump

I'll miss that thing. We shared some good mammaries together.

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.

The police arrested her for waving a firearm.

An old man...

Was going down to an old 'Vette dealership. His whole life he had wanted an old Corvette Convertible and he has just enough money afterwards for a full tank of gas. So he starts driving and hes going the speed limit.

"Man this feels great!" So he give it a little more.

"This is amazing...

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Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

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What do you call a virgin having sex for the first time?

One pump man

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A guy walks into a restroom

So, a guy walks into the restroom at a bar and sees a midget at one of the urinals. He walks over to the other one and starts to take a leak. Out of curiosity, he looks to the side and sees the midget has the biggest dick he's ever seen. After a couple moments of shock, he says, "Hey, uh... I'm not ...

A guy from Texas is invited to a Halloween costume party while in Chicago on business so he visits a costume shop.

A guy from Texas is invited to a Halloween costume party while in Chicago on business so he visits a costume shop.


He says, "I'm going to a costume party, and I want to go as Adam."


The girl looks him over, and then brings out a fig leaf.


He says, "Not big enou...

A Man Notices His Tires Look a Little Flat

He takes his car to a local gas station with an air pump for the tires. He looks at the price for five minutes of air, and it says "$1.50". He then realizes he left his wallet at home. When he comes back with his wallet, the sign for the air pump says "$20" for five minutes. Baffled, he goes inside ...

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in
a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fa...

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Pump a little harder.

There was once a woman who worked a farm with her daughter. The woman tried to teach her daughter all about the ways of the farm. Her first task was churning butter.

The mother would always have to remind the girl to "pump a little harder". She would find herself telling her daughter to p...

What do people from Alabama do on Halloween?

PUMP-KIN

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What do a gas pump nozzle and a penis have in common?

No matter how much you shake them, they still leak a little bit when you try and put them away.

A beautiful woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a...

Two veterans are going on a Sunday drive

Two American veterans are driving through town when the car they notice the fuel gage Is showing half empty!


They decided to tough it out and continue their drive, instead of stopping at the nearby, reasonably priced gas station.


So, they carry on, and around lunch time, they’v...

The pain transformer

A pregnant couple arrived to the hospital after the woman started to feel contractions.

Seeing the woman's pain, the doctor offered a new treatment: A pain transformer which after applying it, the pain will pass (some percentage of it) to the father.

The father, who wanted best for his...

Answering the phone: Joe's Ho's

We pimp it!

You pump it!

3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The thr...

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

What's it called when a rapper goes to the gym for 20 minutes?

A Lil Pump.

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Golf pro returns home

Back in the sixties an Irish golfer makes it big in the USA and becomes a millionaire. Wanting to celebrate his success he arranges for a trip back to his lovely green Isle and since he's also a bit of a braggard, he pays to have his very flashy Buick convertible sent back with him on a ship.
...

What do rednecks like to do for Halloween?

Pump kin

Three men are driving in the desert when their car breaks down.

The men decide that they must split up and survive on their own for the best chances. They are then forced to abandon the car. To be fair, they decide that they can each take one part of the car to help them.

The first man decides that he wants to take the car battery, he is an engineer and ...

How much did the German, fistbump-loving, traditional baker charge for his coin collection?

Pump per nickel.

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A man wants to get a sex toy for his wife while he's out of town...

So the man heads to a sex toy store. After a while browsing he goes to the man at the counter and asked if he had any thing that would keep his wife entertained while he was out of town for a couple weeks, the man replies with "I've got just the thing. It's called a voodoo dildo." The man was scepti...

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

What is Alabama's favourite vegetable?

Has to be the pump kin.

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A married man returns home from a work trip and walks into the bathroom.

There, he sees a naked butt sticking out of the shower.



"Kinky!" he thinks, as he unzips, sticks it in and gives it a few playful pumps.



He quickly runs out and to his surprise, sees his wife standing in the kitchen.



"Hey honey, uh... who's in the bathroo...

When I was a kid and got into trouble, my dad would bring me to the garage and whip me with a belt.

Along with the alternator, and water pump too.

What’s a hillbillies favourite thing to do on Halloween?

Pump Kin

An Oklahoma man decides to take a vacation down to mexico.

He figures he'll drive down through Texas. Halfway through Texas he notices his gas tank is getting pretty low and pulls off for the next truck stop. He gets off the highway and it's the biggest truck stop he's ever seen 50 pumps, a full motel, a diner. The works.


He goes in and asks th...

An officer was at a gas station grabbing some coffee...

When a guy smoking at the gas pump hands caught fire. The guy runs into the store waving his hands causing the fire to spread up his shirt toward his shoulders as he’s shouting at the attendant to help him. Suddenly the cop pulls his weapon and shoots the man dead.

The attendant looks at the ...

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Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00.

After the evening ended the gentleman handed the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it. "That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try." A few days later the man was surprised to receive a summons ordering him...

Petrol station mishap.

My friend went to the petrol station last night, after going inside and paying for his fuel he drove to the exit and decided to light a cigarette as he pulled out onto the road. He had unknowingly got petrol all over his jacket whilst at the pump and as he flicked his lighter his whole sleeve went u...

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Pervert at the shoe store

A man gets home from work to find his wife furiously pacing the house. As soon as he's through the door, she starts frantically telling him about her experience at the shoe store that day.



"I was at the shoe store today and I decided to try on this cute pair of pumps. When the clerk...

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Two aliens are trying to figure out how to infiltrate earth to blend in...

They spend a lot of time watching how people go about their lives and decide the first thing they need to do to exist and blend is get money to thrive. They land their spaceship in a cornfield and walk to the closest place they can find, a gas station. They walk up to the gas pump and demand it give...

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So there's a woman who wants to get a breast implant...

She talks to her doctor and he says "I have the perfect product for you! We invented a pump that can be inflated by flapping your upper arms. If you want to deflate when you, say, go running, you can deflate them by pushing a button under your arms". She said, "Alright, ill get that".

The su...

Simple Math

I'm at work and go to use the Hand Sanitizer. I put 2 pumps in my hands and rub it in. My boss goes, "Why do you use 2 pumps? You only need 1." to which I reply, "Simple math. You use 1 pump and it kills 99.99% of germs, so if you use 2 pumps, you kill almost 200% of germs!"



XD This c...

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During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale

During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing ...

Little bit of a read but funny

(Im from Louisiana and we usually use Boudreaux and Thibadeaux as our characters with our cajun accent but for joke purposes ill use tim and matt)
Tim and Matt went to see a wrestling match at a local arena. There was a famous wrestler in town called the Human Pretzel (due to his special move fol...

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I can usually tell if I’m going to have sex with someone by what shoes they are wearing.

Pumps and high heels yes, running shoes no- she will probably get away.

It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.

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Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.

After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, "Earthling! Take me to your leader!"

The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded, "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remai...

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My Father Was An Inventor

When I was a kid he would invent the most amazing things, and I was fascinated with every thing he invented. He would start a new project at the beginning of every month, and it would always be done at the end of the month, and I would always be the first to see his new invention.

One year th...

A cardiac surgeon is picking up his Bentley from an engine repair.

As the owner's mechanic fetches the car, the owner gets to talking with the doctor and says, "You know, engine repair is a lot like open-heart surgery."

"How so?"

"Well, it's the 'heart' of the machine. It's got fuel injectors like veins, an oil pump like an aorta, and pistons that pum...

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Who's in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate ox...

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

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A young man learns about the birds and the bees on his wedding day.

A young man is fumbling with his tie the morning of his wedding when his grandfather enters the room.

“You seem nervous. Are you getting cold feet?” his grandfather asks.

“Grandpa, I’m not nervous about the wedding. I’m nervous about the wedding night. I was never able to have the talk...

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A man had just finished a round of golf....

...and was filling the gas tank of his Mercedes Benz convertible.

A woman at the next pump was admiring his car, and noticed several golf tees on the front seat. She wasn't quite sure what they were, so she asked, "What are those for?"

The man replied, "That's what I put my balls on w...

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I g...

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S&M Women

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long\-time wife, met for drinks after work.

The conversation drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role...

Test eating wild mushrooms on the dog, he said.

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. B...

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A guy walks into the bathroom at a bar

He sees a tiny man standing on a stool taking a piss. As he walks up to a urinal he looks over and can't help but notice this tiny man has a monster member. The tiny man looks up and asks
"Wtf are you looking at?"
The man responds "I'm sorry but I couldn't help but notice....that"
"Well," t...

1848: You Have Died of Dysentery

2018: You Have Died From Having To Pump Your Own Gas

Excuse me, are you a booming real estate property?

because I'm about to pump my liquid assets into you

[ True Story / Legend ] A group of guys walk by Arnold working out on Venice beach..

One of the guys says "Look at this guy, I would never want to be that big".

To which Arnold replys, "Goode because you neva vill", as he finishes a pump.

There once was a young mechanic named Eric, who got a job on an off-shore oil derrick . . .

He wasn't about to be party to a limerick, so he devoted himself to doing the best job he could to assist with the maintenance of all the machinery. He looked after the power generators, the pumps, the hydraulic systems and even did a little work on the electric systems.

One day, Eric was wo...

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A visual joke...

So a woman goes to the doctor and asks about options to augment her breasts. She doesn't want surgery, so that rules out implants.

The doctor suggests a new technology for her bra that uses the inflatable pump mechanism that was made popular with basketball sneakers. If she helps trial the pr...

A man went to a gas station

To pump up his car, but as he went to do so, the nozzle set his arm on fire. He then got back into his car and headed for the hospital. As he was on the highway, he was waving his burning arm out of the window, but was seen by a cop. The cop then pulled him over and promptly arrested him for possess...

A man excitedly goes to a Catholic convention upon hearing that the Pope is in town and will be there.

In addition to being a devout Christian, he's always been a huge fan of the Pope and dreamed of meeting him and couldn't pass up the opportunity.

He spent days and hours prior trying to find his best outfit and suit, trying many different getups trying to find the most appropriate and respect...

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Two aliens arrive at a gas station...

When they land one of the aliens says "Take me to your leader." To a gas pump and the other alien says "Dude I don't think you should mess with him he looks like a badass." The 1st alien persists, "I said take me to your leader!" The 2nd alien says, " Man I'm being serious you should leave him alone...

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So Superman is flying over metropolis...

when he looks down and spots Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on a roof top. He thinks to himself 'well I'm faster than a speeding bullet I can swoop down and smash that wonder pussy and fly away so fast she won't know what hit her'. So he flys down super quick and pumps the pussy and flys away. Wonder...

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Two Aliens Land in the Desert..

Two aliens come to earth and land in the desert beside an abandoned gas station.
The younger alien walks up to a pump and says "We come in peace, take us to your leader"
The pump says nothing.
The alien is frustrated and says again louder and more confident "We come in peace.. Take US to...

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Superman uses his X-ray vision and sees Wonder Woman nude with her legs in the air

She's moaning and her hands sometimes--comfort her. Superman enjoys the view and, well,--comforts himself. He's ready to finish but figures he'll finish in Wonder Woman. He's faster than a speeding bullet, he's an alien so he can't impregnate her, and it's better to feel the sensation in a woman...

What do Alabama folks and children celebrating Halloween have in common?

They both wanna pump kin

I treat my men like I treat my bitcoin

Pump and Dump

If Gucci made balls, how would you inflate them?

With a Lil Pump.

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