Anyone who’s last name is King has royal blood pumping through their veins including me...

I am Joe King.

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I let my wife use my dick pump...

The vacuum cleaner is broken and we can't afford a new one.

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

The first animal to be mechanically milked must have been pumped

I know its an old joke, and I'm milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

I dont get the jokes about pumped up kicks

They must be aimed at younger audiences

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

Why does it cost so much to pump your tyres nowadays?

Inflation.

Her: They're charging a dollar to pump up your tires now

Me: That's inflation for you

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

Some guys wake up and pump iron...

I wake up and pump protein.

Told my wife that this afternoon after getting lucky this morning. I think her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

I'll probably be working out solo for a while.

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What does a penis and a gas pump have in common?

No matter how many times you shake, it will drip on something you didn't want it too.

Beethoven: ARE YOU GUYS PUMPED?

Crowd: YEAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Beethoven: I can’t hear you!

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

Why is the air pump at gas stations so expensive?

Inflation.



Credit to @foone on the twitters.

What's Alabama's favorite vegetable?

Pumpkin.

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Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

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"Are we alone"

These two little martians land at a closed gas station in a small town in the middle of the night. The two little martians come out of their flying saucer and walk up to the gas pump and say “take me to your leader”. Well of course the gas pump doesn’t say anything and the little martian says it aga...

Found a new way to make money today.

I put gas in my truck and the pump gave me 40.00 for my troubles.

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Two aliens land at a deserted gas station...

Two aliens land at a deserted gas station. They climb out of their space ship and all they can see is a gas pump.

The first alien looks right at the gas pump and says “Take me to your leader”.

Not surprisingly the gas pump says nothing.

The alien repeats “Take me to you lead...

I was pumping some iron in the gym yesterday,

when the trainer pointed out that the hole in the weights was supposed to be for attaching them to a bar.

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long...

I spent 4 hours yesterday in a meeting talking about pumps,

was I ever drained near the end.

So I joined a wrestling league

I joined an underground wrestling league, and spent the whole week before the first meeting preparing; getting in shape, practising moves from the internet, etc.

When I got there, I was very surprised to discover that although a bout was going on in the middle of the room, it wasn't between t...

A man was driving his car down a road when he pulled into a petrol station.

And as he was pulling in he noticed two police officers standing around, he realised they were staring at a women pumping gas into her car while smoking.

So the man looked at the women and he couldn’t decide whether she was stupid or high, or both.
But he thought nothing of it and walked ...

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Little johnny learns about the birds and the bee's

Saturday morning little Johnny wakes up and as he is about to go to the living room to watch Saturday morning cartoons he hears loud noise coming from down the hall. He follows the sound which brings him to his parents bedroom. Curious about what the noise is he slowly opens his parents bedroom door...

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Why a Merc is among the top rated cars

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.
Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin abt golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says ...

A guy was invited to a fancy dress party, and decided to go as Adam...

...So he phoned a costume hire shop and asked to rent a fig leaf. A few days later, the said fig leaf arrived, and he tried it on, but as he was fairly well endowed, it didn't quite cover things up, so he sent it back with a note explaining the situation. A day or so later another, larger, fig lea...

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A female teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.

Madam asked: 'Boy, what is your problem?'

The Boy answered, 'I'm too smart for the first grade - my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!'

Madam had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the...

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

Bang bang

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then...

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(Long) A guy driving a brand new convertible Corvette stops at a gas station to fill up on his inaugural drive

(This is my dad's favorite joke)


He gets out of the car, throws a hundred at the attendant to fill it and tells him to make sure not to scratch it, then goes inside to buy some snacks. While he's inside, an old hillbilly wearing an old tatter shirt with suspenders putters up to the gas st...

What do you call a relative of Lil Pump?

A Pump-Kin

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Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point an...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

A father and young son are out for a walk...

About a block from their house, the pair spot a pair of stray dogs humping furiously in an empty lot.

"Ewww! Daddy, what are they doing?!?!"

"Um...well, Son. They're making puppies...."

The boy watched the dogs as they passed by, totally confused by what he was seeing.

La...

Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.

Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.

I couldn't believe how expensive the new bike pump was!

I hadn't considered inflation

Why is the heart such a strong muscle?

It's constantly pumping iron.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist,

was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her ...

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My 4 year old cousin told me this and I cracked up

Cousin: Knock knock

Me: Whose there?

Cousin: Weeneeda maka change butt

Me: Weeneeda make change butt who?

Cousin: Yes Michael, we need to make a change, but who? Who will be the first to stand up? We have burned through our resources leaving the planet cracked and bruised...

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Pumping gas is a lot like pissing as a man

You can shake it all you want but there will always be a couple drops left when you put it away.

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Two aliens walk up to a gas pump

Two aliens, a general and his lieutenant, walk up to a gas pump. The general, while pointing a gun at the pump says “take me to your leader!”.

The gas pump obviously says nothing. The second alien in command tells his general “hey man I don’t think you should mess with this guy”.

Wit...

Women smoking a cigarette at the pump

I only pass these on....

You will not believe what just happened.. I pulled into the gas station to get a coffee. When I walked up I noticed these 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas... I saw her and thought, "Is she stupid?!! With the cops right there?!"
But anywa...

Fill'r Up

Me: I'll take $50 on pump one.

Bartender: Get your mouth off the tap.

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What do you get when you cross Lil Pump and Marvin Gaye?

Esskeetit on.

What do rednecks do for Thanksgiving?

Pump kin.

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created.

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to see a seven-foot tall grizzly bear charging right at him! He ran back up the path, with the bear close behind. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run faster. he looked over his shoulder as the ...

How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?

"LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"

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Today I went to a gas station and switched the Regular, Plus, and Premium buttons on all the pumps...

April Fuels!

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Two Aliens

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The ...

What do hillbillies do on Halloween?

Pump-kin

Alabama’s State Holiday is Halloween

A holiday to pump-kin

Why did the Jack-o-lantern family move to Alabama?

To pump-kin.

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

An old lady was smoking and pumping gas...

Next thing I know, she's running around the parking lot, screaming, with her arm on fire. The cops showed up and arrested her for waving a firearm in public.

Saw a Lady Pumping Gas...

Yesterday, I was pumping gas and the lady next over was pumping gas while smoking a cigarette which is illegal and just a little further over was a cop watching her but did nothing.

Soon I heard the lady screaming for help and saw her entire arm in flames. She was hysterical, running around....

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I have a coworker just back off maternity leave who takes extra long breaks to pump her breasts..

She is really milking it.

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Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important ...

What do Jack-o'-lanterns and Alabamians have in common?

They both pump-kin

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.

The police arrested her for waving a firearm.

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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

My girlfriend likes to get pumped up before we do a workout.

Then I deflate her afterwards.

A Man Notices His Tires Look a Little Flat

He takes his car to a local gas station with an air pump for the tires. He looks at the price for five minutes of air, and it says "$1.50". He then realizes he left his wallet at home. When he comes back with his wallet, the sign for the air pump says "$20" for five minutes. Baffled, he goes inside ...

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?

It’s always so pumped for you.

A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fi...

Alabama Starbucks have released a new drink this month

Pump Kin Latte

Why are Reebok Pumps shoes so expensive?

Inflation.

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Early in the morning, Pa found Junior out behind the barn with his overalls around his ankles, pulling wildly.

Time for chores? Same thing.

Lunch time? Same thing.

Slop the hogs, milk the cows, chop firewood, pump water? Same thing.

"Dammit, Boy!" Pa took him around to the other farms. Smith, two plots over, had a daughter Junior's age. Smith had eight daughters and was glad to unl...

My wife finished breastfeeding our son so I threw out her old breast pump

I'll miss that thing. We shared some good mammaries together.

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Superman flying around horny... (Dirty and Long)

One day Superman is flying around and he sees Wonder Woman sun tanning, butt naked and spread eagle on top of the justice league building. He thinks to himself, "I am fast as a speeding bullet, I can fly in, pump a few times, and be gone before Wonder Woman even knows what happened".

So as fa...

Bill & Hillary are on a trip back to Arkansas..

They're almost out of gas, so Bill pulls into a service station on the outskirts of town. The attendant runs out of the station to serve them when Hillary realizes it's an old boyfriend from high school.

She and the attendant chat as he gases up their car and cleans the windows. Then they al...

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What do a gas pump nozzle and a penis have in common?

No matter how much you shake them, they still leak a little bit when you try and put them away.

An old man...

Was going down to an old 'Vette dealership. His whole life he had wanted an old Corvette Convertible and he has just enough money afterwards for a full tank of gas. So he starts driving and hes going the speed limit.

"Man this feels great!" So he give it a little more.

"This is amazing...

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A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

The pain transformer

A pregnant couple arrived to the hospital after the woman started to feel contractions.

Seeing the woman's pain, the doctor offered a new treatment: A pain transformer which after applying it, the pain will pass (some percentage of it) to the father.

The father, who wanted best for his...

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