The 72+ Best Pump Jokes

Beethoven: ARE YOU GUYS PUMPED?

Crowd: YEAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Beethoven: I can’t hear you!

Sump pumps...

How much sump, could a sump pump pump, if a sump pump could pump sump?

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas….

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab ...

Just been down the garage, £30 for a tyre pump.

Thirty quid!

Thirty bloody quid for a tyre pump!

They were £20 last year! This time last year, same brand, I promise you, twenty quid and not a penny more!

But I guess that's the cost of inflation.

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

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(NSFW) An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader"...

An Alien craft lands in the middle of nowhere. One of the aliens walks up to a gas pump and says "Take me to your leader".

The gas pump doesn't respond.

The alien repeats his demand "Take me to your leader"

Again, the gas pump does not respond. The alien starts to get a litt...

The guy next to me on pump 3 put $10 worth of gas in his car.

Where’s he going, pump 4?

What do you call an Irish petrol pump attendant?

Phil Mc Cann

This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire...

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.

I just left my position as tire pump salesman

Couldn't handle the pressure...

It now takes a dollar more to pump up a tyre at the local garage

I guess it's due to inflation

What do a stomach pump and an exorcist have in common?

They're both used to remove unwanted spirits from a body.

went to the gas station to pump up my car tire... and the guy charged me 50 cents. I said “it was only 20 gents last week”.

He said “that’s the price of inflation”

Mum's complaining about the cost to pump up her tyres at the garage

Well, that's inflation for you

Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump

You could call it the car owner virus

Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents.

Guess the price has adjusted for inflation.

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I know for a fact that the person who invented the pump shot gun was a guy

Just the way to cock it.

My local petrol station has newly introduced a 30p charge to use the air to pump up my car tyres

Well I guess that's inflation for you.

My wife wasn't too happy when I mentioned that our limited budget meant deciding between improving the kitchen plumbing or replacing the pool pump.

Its either sink or swim.

Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station?

It was an April Fuels joke.

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If I wanted to tune up my ass like an instrument so my farts sounded beautiful I'd probably pump propane up in there.

That'll get my acetoned.

The first animal to be mechanically milked must have been pumped

I know its an old joke, and I'm milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

I went to the shop to buy a foot pump for our new air bed. I was shocked by how much the price had risen since the last pump I purchased.

But yer, I suppose that’s the cost of inflation.

"May I borrow your foot pump?"

"Why? Have you got flat feet?"

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

Once there was an inflatable boy.

He lived in his inflatable house with his inflatable parents, and every morning when the inflatable clock struck seven, he would come down the inflatable stairs and eat his breakfast at the inflatable table, then go and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable school.

But one day for some r...

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My husband brought a penis pump for a gift.

He thought long and hard about this one!

Some guys wake up and pump iron...

I wake up and pump protein.

Told my wife that this afternoon after getting lucky this morning. I think her eyes rolled into the back of her head.

I'll probably be working out solo for a while.

I couldn't believe how expensive the new bike pump was!

I hadn't considered inflation

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point...

I dont get the jokes about pumped up kicks

They must be aimed at younger audiences

How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?

"LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.

The police arrested her for waving a firearm.

What does Lil Pump call his fanbase?

The Pumpkin.

I found a used football in a second hand store...

I picked it up and took it to the counter.

"How much is this?" I asked

"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"

"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.

So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Women smoking a cigarette at the pump

I only pass these on....

You will not believe what just happened.. I pulled into the gas station to get a coffee. When I walked up I noticed these 2 cops watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas... I saw her and thought, "Is she stupid?!! With the cops right there?!"
But anywa...

I spent 4 hours yesterday in a meeting talking about pumps,

was I ever drained near the end.

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Two aliens walk up to a gas pump

Two aliens, a general and his lieutenant, walk up to a gas pump. The general, while pointing a gun at the pump says “take me to your leader!”.

The gas pump obviously says nothing. The second alien in command tells his general “hey man I don’t think you should mess with this guy”.

Wit...

Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?

Can't work it out. But more importantly, where is my hamster?

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Pumping gas is a lot like pissing as a man

You can shake it all you want but there will always be a couple drops left when you put it away.

What did Harry Potter say at the gas pump?

Expecto Petroleum

My girlfriend likes to get pumped up before we do a workout.

Then I deflate her afterwards.

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

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I have a coworker just back off maternity leave who takes extra long breaks to pump her breasts..

She is really milking it.

My wife finished breastfeeding our son so I threw out her old breast pump

I'll miss that thing. We shared some good mammaries together.

An old lady was smoking and pumping gas...

Next thing I know, she's running around the parking lot, screaming, with her arm on fire. The cops showed up and arrested her for waving a firearm in public.

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What do a gas pump nozzle and a penis have in common?

No matter how much you shake them, they still leak a little bit when you try and put them away.

Why are Reebok Pumps shoes so expensive?

Inflation.

What's Alabama's favorite vegetable?

Pumpkin.

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Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach... NSFW

When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital.

At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one fa...

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Pump a little harder.

There was once a woman who worked a farm with her daughter. The woman tried to teach her daughter all about the ways of the farm. Her first task was churning butter.

The mother would always have to remind the girl to "pump a little harder". She would find herself telling her daughter to p...

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Voodoo Dick

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a sex store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

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Today I went to a gas station and switched the Regular, Plus, and Premium buttons on all the pumps...

April Fuels!

Halloween in Alabama

What do people in Alabama do during halloween?

Pump-Kin

What does a redneck do on Halloween?

Pumpkin

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All the organs were deciding who should be the boss....

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."...

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Bartering Australian style

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of VB beer cheap at the local supermarket.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

S...

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A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

What is a rednecks favourite fruit?

Pump kin...

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Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater

Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didnt have any tampons to use and she was on the rag.

Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella’s house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midni...

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Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

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People in Los Angeles.

People in Los Angeles are never just one thing. Someone’s a waiter *and* a screenwriter or a grocery stocker *and* a comedian. I was out there a few months ago, and I stopped for gas. Got to chatting with the guy pumping the gas, and he told me he was also a porn star. I was skeptical, but I believe...

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"I'm jealous of his glasses because they sit on his face and I don't."

"I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping inside you and I'm not."

What does the UK economy and dead pigs have in common?

The Tories love using both for their pump and dump schemes

I'm dynamite in bed.

One good pump and I explode.

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A new soldier, fresh out of boot camp, is deployed to a remote base in Afghanistan.

After about a week, the young soldier is approached by his Staff Sergeant.

"Private, how is everything?" he asks.

"It's ok sir, it's just so desolate out here. Some of the guys have been deployed here for months... there's no women anywhere... what do they do.... you know, for women...

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Aliens Encounter A Gas Station

Two aliens from outer space come down to Earth and land next to a gas station. They debate who to talk to and approach a gas pump. The one alien commands, "Take me to your leader." Nothing happens. The alien gets angry, points his ray gun and says, "Take me to to your leader or I'll zap you to dust!...

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