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Pulp Jokes

It’s surprising that Jules and Vince spend so much time talking about the metric system at the beginning of Pulp Fiction

Quentin Tarantino usually only does feet

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Seen on X. Credit to @614clinton

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't hav...

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

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The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.

He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.

“Try to restrain yourself,” said the therapist.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

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That scene in Pulp Fiction

where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks…

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving ...

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A man walks into a bar, beaten to a pulp

Bartender: oh my god, what happened to you?

Guy: This guy beat me up because he thought I was hitting on him

Bartender: That’s terrible!

Guy: Yeah, you should see the other guy

Bartender: That bad, huh?

Guy: No, he was hot as fuck.

I was watching Pulp Fiction again and...

...my flatmate pops in and says, " Why are you watching this again?, you have seen it a thousand times already."

"Just for the gags"

What would you get if the director of Pulp Fiction were to contract Ebola?

A quarantinable Quentin Tarantino.

What do you get when rubbing two oranges together

Pulp friction

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called?

The Pulp.

What do you call it when lemons and limes tell lies?

Pulp fiction!

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Watching Pulp Fiction for the first time, thought this was the best.

Three tomatoes are walking down the street. A papa tomato, a mama tomato, and a baby tomato. Now the baby tomato starts lagging behind, the papa tomato gets pissed and squishes him saying "Ketchup"

Since we have to stay home, I’m setting up my pavilion and projector outside tonight. Watching Pulp Fiction, followed by the Kill Bill movies.

It’s a Tent & Quarantino marathon.

Malicious compliance that isn't.

The following is a true story.

When I was young, I wanted a glass of orange juice. I was used to the stuff with the pulp in it. Going to the kitchen where my mother was already located, I got a glass, pulled out the carton of OJ, screwed off the top, lifted the carton, filled my glass, put th...

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Favourite porn movie parodies…

I’ll start, let’s see what list we can create…

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Schindler’s Fist

Willy Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory

Pulp Friction

Evil Head

Honey, I blew everybody

Inspect Her Gadget

Missionary Impossible

Saturday Night Beave...

What do you get when you cross an orange with Quentin Tarantino?

Pulp Fiction

Credit to the movie The Starving Games

One foggy morning on the border of England and Scotland...

...a Scottish voice came out from within the dense fog.

"Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen."

The English general stationed at the border took offense and sent down 10 of his soldiers. There were sounds of a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice ...

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

What is the most dangerous place to be after dark

A paper mill because you will get beat up to a pulp.

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

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Me penis is called FedEx.

Because my package is beaten to a pulp, handled poorly and sometimes, complaints that it doesn't deliver at all.

I wrote a fantasy story about my glass of freshly squeezed orange juice

I titled it pulp fiction

"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands o...

The reason orange juice doesn't slide well on hard wood floors is

Because of pulp friction.

What kind of books do fruit read?

Pulp Fiction

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Eddie the Head

Eddie the Head was sad because his friends were playing football (soccer to our US friends) in the park and he could see them from his bedroom window. Eddie asked if he could join in. "Of course you can," they said. "You can be the ball!"

That night, bruised and bloody, Eddie lay in bed. "I h...

Three spies were detained in Russia

A British spy, a French spy, and an Italian spy. They were split up into three separate rooms to be interrogated.

After the interrogations, they were thrown into a cell together. The British spy said he was threatened with torture and confessed his secrets. The French spy told a similar stor...

One time there was an Irishman who got so drunk

He kissed his wife and beat the Pope's foot to a pulp with a coal shovel

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So a lonely, used, abused, beaten down woman places a personal ad in the newspaper...

She writes that she desires a man who won't use her for her money, beat her to a bloody pulp and won't walk out on her leaving her an emotional wreck of shambles. She also states that this man ought to satisfy her sexually and fuck her like no other man has.

Well days go by and no one respond...

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There was an angry ape

Ever since it lost his mate, he has been mean, throwing feces, and acting aggressive toward staff and visitors.

Into this, a young apprentice zookeeper was thrown. For some reason, George the ape was taken by him. Maybe it was his thick beard.

So the man was waiting for his boss in ...

A German, a Hungarian and an Italian are captured by the Soviets on the Eastern Front...

The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know."


An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew a...

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What's the difference between jelly and jam?

Jelly is made by filtering out the fruit pulp after the initial heating, whereas jam contains the small pieces of chopped up fruit.

I'm tired of seeing "I can't jelly my dick up your butt", so I wanted to give the correct answer.

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

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International Police Competition

The UN holds an international police competition at a national park somewhere in Europe. The participating countries are France, Germany, and Turkey. The competition rules are whichever national police team catches a wild rabbit in the forest in the shortest amount of time wins the grand prize.
<...

Quasimodo's had it.

Sixty years climbing the steps. Sixty years ringing the bell. He's ready to retire, get a little house in the country for him and the little lady. Puts an ad on Craigslist "Bell ringer wanted. Inquire Quasimodo, Notre Dame."

Next day, there's a knock at the door. Quasi opens it, looks ou...

Three men were standing in line...

... to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Saint Peter had been forced to pick who would be allowed in. "Guys listen, heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had *particularly* horrible deaths. When you’...

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