UPJOKE
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How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

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Every time I get out of the shower and look into the mirror, I see an asshole.

Maybe I should have installed it at eye level

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To get out of friendzone..

Send her a dick pic .

Whatever happens next,one thing is sure,you won't be stuck in friend zone

What’s hard to get into, but even harder to get out of?

A shower in winter.

Two strings walk into a bar, bartender says “Hey we don’t server your kind here, get out.” Outside one of the strings says “ I have an idea, here help me”

the string proceeds to tie himself up and then dishevels the threads at the top of his head and at his feet. The string then walks back into the bar and orders a drink, bartender looks and says “hey aren’t you that string I just threw out?”

String says “ No , I am a frayed knot!”

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

All the Celebrations sweets are having a Christmas party at the bar when a packet of Lockets walks in. 'Oi' shouts the Mars Bar, 'you're not confectionery, get out!'

'Sssssshhhh' says the Bounty 'Don't start, he's menthol'

Help, I can't get out....

An airline captain was helping a pretty new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for t...

How does a Midwesterner get out of a painful social situation?

They pop an OPE-ioid

if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out?

interviewer: we meant questions about the job

Ever since my covid vaccine I've been feeling tired and unable to get out of bed

Glad to see there are no side-effects.

I was pulled over by the police for a suspected DUI. They ask me to get out of my car.

Officer: We Are Going To Give You A Sobriety Test.
Me: OK

Officer: Say The Alphabet Starting At L, Backward.

Me: L At Starting Alphabet The.

They Let Me Go.

I was told to get out of my comfort zone

So I started driving on the other side of the road

Not only I’m I uncomfortable, but so is everybody else

Courtesy of Alexa: how does a banana get out of jail?

It wins on appeal.

How do you get out of a room with impossibly high walls id all you have is a peice of wood?

First you rub the wood on your arm to create a sore. Then you use the saw to cut the wood in half. You stick the wood together again to get a whole. And you crawl out of the hole to freedom!

Scruffy! Get out of there!

A young man nervously went to his girlfriend’s house for dinner and to meet her family. As they were sitting eating, his nerves were getting the better of him and he felt a tremendous build up of gas. Unfortunately, since he was the focus of attention, he just couldn’t find a break in the conversati...

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Why can’t you get out of a sex cult with R Kelly?

One you’re in, urine.

How do you get out of a jam?

By having a toast

Why are birth control pills so hard to get out of the package?

Childproofing

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Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 47 years old, and you're the principal."

Every morning I get out of the house, a bike keeps running me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

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A bra and a booster cable go into a bar. The bartender says to the bra "Get out."

"Why?" yells the bra.

"Well," says the bartender, "you're off your tits, and your mate looks like he's ready to start something."

How to get out of friendzone

"Hey does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" Works everytime

Little girl at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"

Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"

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How did I get out of Iran?

Iraq.

You’re trapped in a room with unbreakable walls and no doors or windows. All you have is a computer. How do you get out?

Press the escape key.

How did the crazy person get out of the forest?

He took the psychopath!

Spaghetti wife is sitting the the waiting room, waiting for her husband to get out of surgery

The doctor walks in and says " Im sorry to inform you but your husband pasta-way."

What inspires you to get out of bed every day?

My bladder mostly.

When you really have to pee but can't find the energy to get out of bed

You are in hiburination.

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Ever since having my baby daughter, she's become the only reason I get out of bed

16 times every fucking night.

A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.”

The superconductor left without resistance.

A guy gets home late, his wife says where have you been it's 3.00am Guy says I had some games of Poker, Wife said get out of my house, Guy replies Oh forgot to say..

It's not your house anymore either.

How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran

Imagine that you're stuck in a locked room with no windows, no key, no tools, not even a door. How do you get out?

Stop imagining it.

A recent study was conducted to find out why husbands get out of bed at night.

The results found that 5% were getting a snack, 10% percent were going to the toilet and the remaining 85% were going home.

Did you hear about the beehive bees can’t get out of?

I heard it’s un-bee-leaveable.

A friend told me "I can't wait to get out of Brooklyn, they took my rims, put the car on bricks"

I said "you moved to Brooklyn so you can get a brownstone, now you got 4"

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

What should you do when you get out of Yale?

Try to get a yob

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A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed

What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?

"Cum at me bro".



\-

Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?

He was a peeking duck



\-

What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?

"It's bananas"



\...

Because the government can't seem to get out their own way and are actively hindering relief efforts, evangelicals have a point still going to church

Only God can help them now

What do you call a police officer that doesn't get out of bed?

An under cover cop.

How do you get out of a casino as a millionaire?

You go in as a billionaire.

Why do women get out of jail sooner than men?

Because periods ends sentences.

My friend and I took a trip to Egypt. While we were sightseeing, he slipped and fell into a river. I told him he needs to get out as soon as possible but he refused to acknowledge his predicament.

He was in denial.

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There are 3 flies in a jar, one male, two female. One day, one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey, how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know, maybe ask him."

So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"

The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fl...

After rounds of extensive life saving operations, I asked my nurse if she’d visit me when I finally get out.

She told me she doesn’t like cemeteries.

Silver walked up to elements in a bar that was on fire. Silver said "Get out!"

Gold said "Aukay"

Potassium said "K"

Sodium said "Na"

Argon didn't react.

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Three men are offered a chance to get out of Hell

One day in Hell, three men are offered to get into heaven, if they can ask God a question and make him answer incorrectly.

The first man, the smartest mathematician alive, asks God the hardest math question he has ever thought of. God being God, he answered correct.

The second man, the...

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A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

The only rule to get out of a casino with a small fortune

Is to enter there with a large one.

Inside every fat person theres a thin person trying to get out.

but outside every fat person theres a pizza waiting to get in.

I've been in an abusive relationship for months now and I can't seem to get out of it. Someone show me what I'm doing wrong.

Everytime I hit her, she keeps coming back.

An Arabian person asked me and said “How did you get out of Iraq”

“Iran”

How do you get out of San Francisco?

Go straight....

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A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”

A tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”

Yesterday I watched "Get Out" with my racist grandpa

He thought it was a documentatary.

I asked an Ikea assistant to get out of my way.

He said, “You’re going to have to make me.”

I tried to get out of Jury service by arguing that 12 jurors is unfair

It's 2 against 1

(Me) Ok I’m going to get out of bed now

(Also me one hour later) Ok I’m going to get out of bed now

How to get out...

... of a room with nothing but a table and a mirror in it?

You look in the mirror and see what you saw. You take the saw and cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Take the hole, put it in the wall and leave.

If you’re Russian when you’re going to the bathroom, Finnish when you get out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European.

Why couldn't the number 3 get out of bed

he could not even

Why did the zombie child find it hard to get out of bed?

He was a little stiff.

How did Batman get out of religious jail?

He had to pay Christian Bail

There's a man who can't get out of bed before noon.

No matter how hard he tries, or how early he gets to sleep, he just cannot get out of bed before noon. For twenty years, his wife puts up with him until she suddenly dies in a freak accident.

The man meets a nurse at the ER who is also going through a life tragedy and they fall for each other...

What's the difference between waiting for a woman to get out of work and stalking?

I'm not sure either but I think Judge Kaplan is going to tell me on Monday.

Why can't proctologists get out of debt?

They're always in arrears.

I was taking a dump and suddenly got stuck in the toilet and couldn't get out.

That was the worst experience I ever had at a Home Depot.

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What's the best way to get out of an uncomfortable conversation?

Put your penis back in your pants.

I found out my wife's been blowing the judge to get out of her parking fines.

I shouldn't be talking about it really... The judge put a gag order on it.

I have a weird mental health issue where I have to get out and pull my car every time I go through a tunnel.

It's car-pull tunnel syndrome.

My dad told me to get out of bed and go to school.

I said no because I couldn't take this lying down!

How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents

Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.

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Fell into a pile of my wife's bra's and couldn't get out.

It was a booby trap.

My 8 year old got me this morning. We were rushing to get out the house quickly and then he told me...

MOM.. QUIT RUSHING ME.. I'M NOT RUSSIAN!

How does a dinosaur get out of a swimming pool?

Wet.

How can you tell your acne is really starting to get out of hand?

The blind start reading your face.

Well, that's one way to get out of a speeding ticket!

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. (Driving Under the Influence)

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
...

A group of thieves meet in prison and decide to start a band when they get out

It was a con-founded robber band

My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.

So I started smoking.

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