Goose Jokes - 72 Hilarious Goose Jokes

In what lenguage does a goose speak?

Portugeese

The problem with the goose

A peasant goes to a country fair and buys two chickens, a bucket, an anvil, and a goose. Walking back to his village he meets a woman who asks him for directions to the village.
- Come with me, but let’s take a shortcut through the woods, much faster.
- No way! I know you men, once we’re in t...

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

Anatidaephobia is the irrational fear that somewhere, a duck or goose is watching you.

Iron Maiden tried to warn us about the fear of the duck

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Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

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A Man and his Goose .....

A man and a goose are best friends. They do everything together. One day the man says to the goose, "Let's go see a movie." The goose agrees, and they both make their way to the movie theater. Upon arrival the woman at the ticket counter says, "I'm sorry sir, you cannot bring your pet into the movie...

How do you turn a goose into a musician?

You boil it until its Bill Withers.

What did the goose thief say to the pet shop owner?

“I’m just taking a gander.”

A Goose Walks Into A Bar...

A goose walks into a bar

To bad it didn't duck

I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

I got attacked by a goose today.

Needless to say, I used some fowl language.

What did the German goose say to his friend?

Goosen tag!

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a goose.

If you go to a Jedi bar, the only vodka that you can get is Grey Goose.

Because..only the Sith deal in Absolut.

Racing Goose

I've got some racing geese for sale, let me know if you want a quick gander!?

What did the goose say in the traffic jam?

HONK!!!!! HONK!!!!!

I finally, after 35 years, have made my own two line joke

What’s a gooses’s favorite vegetable?

Asparagoose.

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My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

Did you hear Keith Richards and Mick Jagger's airplane went down after a goose flew in the engine?

Killed two Stones with one bird

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A farmer walks into his house holding a goose in his arms

He approaches his wife and says “Well this is the pig I’ve been fucking.” His wife stares at him, mouth agape, and says “Excuse me?! That’s a goose!” The farmer replies “I know. I wasn’t talking to you.”

I saw "cruelty free" goose in the market the other day.

What kind of fowl deeds would it take for it to get a cruelty tag?

What happens if you goose a ghost?

You get a handful of sheet!

3 kids were playing duck duck goose..

When all of a sudden one of them screams "Swan!!". The other two kids said "no no no that's not the game it's duck duck goose Not Swan."
The one kid Screams again "No , Swan!!"
Now frustrated the other two kids yelled "You can't play if you're not going to play it right!"
Now running and ...

They sent a goose to the moon

The called it amoongoose

Why does everyone listen to the well dressed goose?

He's a proper gander.

Every Christmas, my mom sends me out on a wild goose chase whilst she wraps all the presents, but I told her that this was the last time.

I don't care what she says, next year we're having store bought turkey like everyone else.

Just ate goose for the first time

It was fowl

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What's sauce for the goose......

A family was at the dinner table when the son asked his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answered, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s, 40s, and 50s, they are like pears: still ni...

I’m a Chinese goose

Hong Kong

What do you call it when a duck sleeps with his goose friend's wife?

Duck cuck goose

I had a pet goose once.

But it died recently.

It was weird because my friends and I never remembered if it was a boy or a girl.

We got into a big argument about it and eventually one of my friends decided to go dig up its corpse.

And all I had to say to that was, "Did you just exhume my gander?"

What sound does a Swedish goose make?

HJONK

A goose's beak is composed of hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen and potassium.

HONK

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

What do a bad baseball player and a male goose have in common

they both have foul balls

A baby once beat me in a game of duck duck goose.

But I beat it in boxing.

Archangel Michael has just created a duck-goose with giant teeth and wants to show his magnificent creation to God.

He comes to God's presence and says: "look what beauty I made, I'm just not sure where to put it"
God thinks for a moment and says: "how about you put it in Australia with all the other nonsense you've created."

While browsing the poultry market, the clerk asked me if I would like try some goose...

...I told him no thanks, I was just gonna take a gander.

How do you know a Goose is Canadian?

He goes

“Honk, eh!”

Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?

They suspected it of fowl play.

When my father started getting ill his doctor told him to cover the back of his legs and his entire back in lots of goose fat

I swear, he really went downhill fast after that

I tried this new laxative with goose feathers

But now I'm feeling down in the dumps.

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An old man says to the doctor "I piss like a horse at 6 each morning, poop like a goose at 7."

The doctor says "Then what's the problem?"

The old man says "I don't get out of bed until 8."

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Why did the goose cross the road?

To go be a dick to someone else.
Geese are dicks

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What do you call a goose that is unhappy with its sexuality?

Trans gander

I'm taking the goose farmer's daughter to the dance...

I heard she knows how to get down

Which side of the goose has the most feathers?

The outside

Saw a 19 year old lad outside the YMCA. He was stroking some Goose feathers. I said...

Young man. You don’t have to feel down...

What did the goose say when he found out about flying south?

Wanna hear migrate idea?

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A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada...

A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada. You can hear two shots and the bird falls to the ground. Two hunters arrive at the same time to find the bird lying right on the border and they immediately start arguing about who shot the bird and who should be able to keep it.

F...

My 10-year-old's Barbie joke

What do you call a sad baby goose that likes Barbie?

Cryin Gosling

What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by?

I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese

How did Jack know exactly where to find the goose in the giant's castle?

He had *bean stalking* her.

A couple of geese fell down from the stairs.

They got multiple goose bumps.

Is Goose from Captain Marvel a good character?

You're flerken right he is.

Guy walks into a bar..

Guy walks into a bar with a goose under his arm.
Barman says, "Hey, where'd you get the pig" ?

Guy says, "It's not a pig, it's a goose.."
Barman says, "I was talking to the goose.."

A little boy was on the school bus after a day at school.

He was driving the bus driver driver crazy by talking about what he had learned about animals in class in a very loud and annoying voice, "If my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow, I'd be a calf! If my dad was a rooster and my mom was a hen, I'd be a little chick! If my dad was a gander and my mom ...

I saw a bird telling jokes by the pond

It was a silly goose

Human: "I'm a people person"

Goose: "I'm a geese goose"

The farmer and the goose go to the movies.

So this farmer goes to the movies with his favorite goose. But they wont let the goose in. So the farmer hides the goose in his pants, buys a ticket and finds his seat.

After about a half an hour the goose is getting restless so the farmer unzips his pants so the goose can get some air. <...

So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...

A man had a goose on top of a building. What's the easiest way for him to get down?

Pluck it off the goose.

Don't believe everything you hear.

I went to the goose store the other day and asked if they had any deals. He said he wasn't sure but to feel free to take a gander. And now here I am, in jail, with my "shoplifted goose".

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A Farmer buys a young Cock.......

A Farmer buys a young Cock.
As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.
At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens, Farmer gets tense now.
Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.
Later, he finds the Cock lying Pale, ...

It takes 135,000 slaps to cook a chicken

It took Will Smith one and his goose is cooked (sorry)

A chicken, a goose and a pheasant were sitting in a tavern drinking…

The chicken said, "How about we go back to my place and play strip poker?"

The goose nodded its head, the pheasant said "I'm game."

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What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?

Stick his bill up his ass.

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A guy from the city decides to go hunting

He spends a bunch of money getting all the right equipment and gear and camouflage outfit, etc. then heads out to hunt some geese. He finds his local hunting grounds and heads out with his rifle. He spends all day not seeing a single animal, and just before he decides to give up, he sees a flock o...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

Another one translated to English, this time from Czech :)

A farmer went to the mall to do some shopping. He bought an anvil and a bucket in the hardware store.
In the animal store he bought a pair of chickens and a goose. But how to carry it all now?
The shopkeeper advised him: "Put the anvil in the bucket and carry that in one hand, put the goos...

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver.

The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd...

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