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Why did the goose cross the road?

To go be a dick to someone else.
Geese are dicks

Why was the goose acting so silly?

He was on quack!

Is Goose from Captain Marvel a good character?

You're flerken right he is.

So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...

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"Son, what do you say when there's more than one goose?"

"Geese."

"Very good. What do you say when there's more than one cow?"

"Cows."

"Excellent. What do you say when there's more than one spider?"

"Shit!"

What do you call a goose journalist

A Propa-gander

How do you know a Goose is Canadian?

He goes

“Honk, eh!”

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What's sauce for the goose......

A family was at the dinner table when the son asked his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answered, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s, 40s, and 50s, they are like pears: still ni...

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A Man and his Goose .....

A man and a goose are best friends. They do everything together. One day the man says to the goose, "Let's go see a movie." The goose agrees, and they both make their way to the movie theater. Upon arrival the woman at the ticket counter says, "I'm sorry sir, you cannot bring your pet into the movie...

A chicken, a goose and a pheasant were sitting in a tavern drinking…

The chicken said, "How about we go back to my place and play strip poker?"

The goose nodded its head, the pheasant said "I'm game."

I had a pet goose once.

But it died recently.

It was weird because my friends and I never remembered if it was a boy or a girl.

We got into a big argument about it and eventually one of my friends decided to go dig up its corpse.

And all I had to say to that was, "Did you just exhume my gander?"

Who is the Mexican equivalent of Mother Goose?

Juan Seponatime.

What sound does a Chinese goose make?

Hong Kong!

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What does the spruce goose and my ex-wife have in common?

They've both got a gigantic cockpit. Fuckin whore.

I'm taking the goose farmer's daughter to the dance...

I heard she knows how to get down

[long] A hunter shoots a flying goose...

Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him - holding the goose.


"Sorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it", explains the hunter.


The farmer replies with a smirk: "But it landed on my property, so it's mine."


"Excuse me? You can't just ...

What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by?

I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

Just ate goose for the first time

It was fowl

A man had a goose on top of a building. What's the easiest way for him to get down?

Pluck it off the goose.

What do you get when you goose a ghost?

A handful of sheet.

What do you call a goose in a tuxedo telling the news?

Media Proper Gander

Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?

They suspected it of fowl play.

I tried this new laxative with goose feathers

But now I'm feeling down in the dumps.

What did the goose say when he found out about flying south?

Wanna hear migrate idea?

What can a goose do that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?

Stick his bill up his ass.

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F*ucking Cock

A Farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.

At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens,
Farmer gets tense now.

Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.

Later, he finds the Cock ...

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An old man says to the doctor "I piss like a horse at 6 each morning, poop like a goose at 7."

The doctor says "Then what's the problem?"

The old man says "I don't get out of bed until 8."

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Fair young lady

Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem—how to carry all his purchases. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anv...

What happens when you goose a ghost?

You get a hand full of sheet. (Joke from my mom)

How did Jack know exactly where to find the goose in the giant's castle?

He had *bean stalking* her.

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A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada...

A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada. You can hear two shots and the bird falls to the ground. Two hunters arrive at the same time to find the bird lying right on the border and they immediately start arguing about who shot the bird and who should be able to keep it.

F...

The farmer and the goose go to the movies.

So this farmer goes to the movies with his favorite goose. But they wont let the goose in. So the farmer hides the goose in his pants, buys a ticket and finds his seat.

After about a half an hour the goose is getting restless so the farmer unzips his pants so the goose can get some air. <...

A woman goes to the doctor with every complaint in the book...

The doctor examines her but finds nothing wrong. He takes out a note pad and writes down “Wine Eekkant”. “I recommend a drink and calm down,” says the doctor. She takes the paper and leaves all pouty.

On her way home she stops at the market. She searches and searches but can’t find this ...

What are the ingredients for the homemade Bill Clinton stew?

One wiener, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans, and tons of hot water.

A stork gets home after a bad day at work and is chilling with his wife.

How was work dear? she asked.
I had a really big baby today and I dropped him because he was to heavy.
Oh you silly goose,she says...the heavy babies are always delivered by crane.

A traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the g...

What would you say to someone when you're busy looking for Captain Marvel's cat?

That you're on a wild Goose chase.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

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A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

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A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day.

After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say
"if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"
"If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"

He would keep going until he d...

A New Take on a Classic Joke

The weather outside has been cold as the left side of a killer whale's behind recently, and I decided to buy myself a new jacket. So I went to the mall with a friend to see what jackets there were available.

Unfortunately for me, everyone else in the city had the same idea. We first went to N...

Theodore was feeding geese when his friend David walked by

Say there, Theodore, what are you doing?"

"Why, I'm feeding these here geese, David."

"I can see that, but why do you keep staring at the bread crumbs?"

"Well, David, what's good for a goose is good for a gander."

I was out duck hunting with Olivia Wilde.

After a while, Olivia spotted a massive duck in the distance and insisted that I hunt it down.

I started to follow it, through bushes and brambles, woods and fields, over hills and through valleys, until finally, I caught up with it. The huge duck turned in my direction, honked and started r...

Why did Ed Gein keep his house so hot?

To prevent the furniture from getting goose bumps.

A Chinese spy wearing a tuxedo walks into a Russian bar.

He says to the bartender, “The name is Wong. Li Wong. I’ll have a martini. Shaken, not stirred.”

“Gin or vodka?” Asks the bartender.

“Surprise me.” Replies Li.

The bartender makes the martini, gives it to Li and says, “If you can guess the name of the alcohol, it’s on th...

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Dave had afarm.

One day he bought a rooster because there were none left in the farm. He had like 400 chickens who had to be fertilized but the rooster fucks them all. Dave’s really impressed.
At noon he fucks them all again and this time even harder. Dave starts getting worried now.
The next day , Dave finds...

"Why do you enjoy running geese over in your car?"

"It gives me Goose Bumps!"

Ryan Gosling is 36 years old

Shouldn't we be calling him Ryan Goose already?

If a very social person is called a "people person"...

Then wouldn't a very social goose be called a "geese goose"?

The Kings English

I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you, On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word, That looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead -- For goodness’ sake, don...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

Poor Hillary Clinton...

I haven't seen someone hit a glass ceiling this hard since Goose from Top Gun

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The Duck Hunter

Duck hunting season had just opened and Fred traveled to Canada for his yearly hunting trip. On his first day out on the lake he was pretty successful and bagged 3 beautiful water fowls.

On his way back to his cabin for lunch he is stopped by the Game Ranger on his boat. The ranger takes a p...

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a littl...

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pulled over by a cop

I was driving down the street this morning and a stupid goose flew out in front of my car. I didn't have enough time to swerve or stop and ran right into him. It must've hit at the right angle because sure enough, the goose bounced off the hood of my car, popped up, and smacked straight into a pol...

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What's it called when a member of the alt-right yells at two people on the internet and then posts Nazi propaganda?

Cuck Cuck Goose-Step

Literary alcohol puns

I saw someone post some the other day. Has anyone thought of any new ones?

Here are a couple my friends and I thought of...

50 Shades of Grey Goose,
Into the Wild Turkey,
Beer and Present Danger,
Patriot Drinking Games,
The Sum of All Beers (I like Tom Clancy),
The Red B...

I got honked at while trying to parallel park today.

Yeah, like the goose could do it any better.

What's a truck's favorite game?

Truck, truck, goose.

Original content from my four year old son.

How do you know it's safe to feed the ducks the same thing as the Canadian geese down at the pond?

Because what's good the goose is good for Merganser.

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Another golf joke

This guy meets his friend at a bar, and notices that his friend has a huge goose egg lump on his forehead. The guy asks what happened.

"Well," says the friend, "I took my wife golfing, and she was terrible. She kept hitting the ball way too hard. At one point she hit her ball into a nearby co...

A husband gets home after playing golf.....

And his wife asks how it went to which he replies "It went very well, except when I hit that goose on the 8th hole" The wife then replies "How many strokes is a goose?"

An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up.

How do you get down from an elephant??


YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!

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Christmas cake recipe

**Required Ingredients:**

* 1 cup of water

* 1 cup of sugar

* 4 large brown eggs

* 2 cups of dried fruit

* 1 teaspoon of salt

* 1 cup of brown sugar

* Lemon juice

* Nuts

* 1 bottle of whiskey

**Preparation:**

Sample the whi...

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Brewster the Rooster

Saw a post today about a kid with a rooster named Brooster and remembered this old joke.

A farmer decides he needs a new rooster so he can expand his chicken coop, so he buys the most virile one he can find and names him Brewster. Within a day, Brewster has impregnated every hen the farmer ow...

A man is on his way to the movie theater

When a goose starts following him. He gets to the theater and the goose is right behind him. He asks for a ticket to the movie and the theater owner meets him at the door and say "I'm sorry but you can't bring that goose in here." The man replies "it's been following me for the past mile and a half,...

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The willing farmer girl

On a sunny Saturday afternoon, Jimmy, a young handsome farmer boy in his twenties, goes to the village a few minutes walking from the farm to get a bunch of supplies. He goes to the hardware shop, the DIY and the pet shop, and ends up with a bucket, a big can of red paint, a dozen of eggs, two chick...

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So three elderly men at a rest home are conversing about their age...

The first man says, "When I get up at 6:00 AM, it takes me a half hour to pee."

Second man says, "You're lucky. When I get up at 7:00 AM, it takes me a straight hour to take my morning poop."

Third man says, "I piss like a racehorse at 6:00 and crap like a goose at 7:00."

"Then ...

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The Competition

It was the height of the Great Depression, and Jerry was on his lunch break during his first day at work. He struck up a conversation with Al and Charlie, a couple of co-workers. The conversation eventually turned to sex.

Jerry said, "I'll tell you what, nothing beats a tight pussy!" Al ch...

Difference between erotic and perverted

You can be erotic by gently stroking your girlfriend with a feather. But its perverted if you take the whole goose to do it.

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