In what lenguage does a goose speak?

Portugeese

Goose hunting

A man from the city goes goose hunting one weekend. He is a pretty bad hunter so he doesn‘t hit anything for a long time. On the second day he finally is able to hit one. Unfortunatly the goose drops on the property of a farmer. By the time the man gets there the farmer has already picked up the goo...

what is the goose's favorite city?

honk kong

A zookeeper lost a pair of mongoose to a storm and needed to replace them. He began writing an email to his supplier...

“Dear sir, please send me two mongooses at once.”

That didn’t sound right, so he tried again.

“Dear sir, please send me two mongeese at once.”

That still didn’t sound right, so he gave it one last attempt:

“Dear sir, please send me one mongoose. And while you’re at it...

While browsing the poultry market, the clerk asked me if I would like try some goose...

...I told him no thanks, I was just gonna take a gander.

TIL a Goose's beak is composed of 4 elements: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, and Potassium.

HONK

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your m...

What did the German goose say to his friend?

Goosen tag!

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

What happens if you goose a ghost?

You get a handful of sheet!

What sound does a Swedish goose make?

HJONK

Saw a 19 year old lad outside the YMCA. He was stroking some Goose feathers. I said...

Young man. You don’t have to feel down...

I’m a Chinese goose

Hong Kong

Racing Goose

I've got some racing geese for sale, let me know if you want a quick gander!?

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

The plural of Tooth is Teeth, Foot is Feet, Goose is Geese, then Moose is...

Meese?

Just following up on that Gallagher joke.

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What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer should?

Stick it's bill up it's arse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Son, what do you say when there's more than one goose?"

"Geese."

"Very good. What do you say when there's more than one cow?"

"Cows."

"Excellent. What do you say when there's more than one spider?"

"Shit!"

Another one translated to English, this time from Czech :)

A farmer went to the mall to do some shopping. He bought an anvil and a bucket in the hardware store.
In the animal store he bought a pair of chickens and a goose. But how to carry it all now?
The shopkeeper advised him: "Put the anvil in the bucket and carry that in one hand, put the goos...

I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel?

Goose.

So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...

What do you call a goose journalist

A Propa-gander

What did the disco goose say to the abrasive scarecrow?

You're scaring me, let me dance the night away.

A chicken, a goose and a pheasant were sitting in a tavern drinking…

The chicken said, "How about we go back to my place and play strip poker?"

The goose nodded its head, the pheasant said "I'm game."

Just ate goose for the first time

It was fowl

Is Goose from Captain Marvel a good character?

You're flerken right he is.

I had a pet goose once.

But it died recently.

It was weird because my friends and I never remembered if it was a boy or a girl.

We got into a big argument about it and eventually one of my friends decided to go dig up its corpse.

And all I had to say to that was, "Did you just exhume my gander?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's sauce for the goose......

A family was at the dinner table when the son asked his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answered, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s, 40s, and 50s, they are like pears: still ni...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

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A Man and his Goose .....

A man and a goose are best friends. They do everything together. One day the man says to the goose, "Let's go see a movie." The goose agrees, and they both make their way to the movie theater. Upon arrival the woman at the ticket counter says, "I'm sorry sir, you cannot bring your pet into the movie...

Who is the Mexican equivalent of Mother Goose?

Juan Seponatime.

What did the Brazilian goose on the balcony say to the squirrel passing by?

I don’t know, I don’t speak porch of geese

A man had a goose on top of a building. What's the easiest way for him to get down?

Pluck it off the goose.

What do you call a goose in a tuxedo telling the news?

Media Proper Gander

I tried this new laxative with goose feathers

But now I'm feeling down in the dumps.

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An old man says to the doctor "I piss like a horse at 6 each morning, poop like a goose at 7."

The doctor says "Then what's the problem?"

The old man says "I don't get out of bed until 8."

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F*ucking Cock

A Farmer buys a young Cock. As soon as it comes Home, it rushes & fucks all the 150 Hens. Farmer is impressed.

At lunch, the Cock again screws all 150 Hens,
Farmer gets tense now.

Next day, he finds Cock fucking the Ducks, Goose & Parrot too.

Later, he finds the Cock ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the goose cross the road?

To go be a dick to someone else.
Geese are dicks

How do you know a Goose is Canadian?

He goes

“Honk, eh!”

Goose that gave golden eggs

A hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught. He met a scammer from another village on the way. The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter. Scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg everyday and now hunter must compensate him for his...

I'm taking the goose farmer's daughter to the dance...

I heard she knows how to get down

What did the goose say when he found out about flying south?

Wanna hear migrate idea?

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A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada...

A goose is flying over the border between the US and Canada. You can hear two shots and the bird falls to the ground. Two hunters arrive at the same time to find the bird lying right on the border and they immediately start arguing about who shot the bird and who should be able to keep it.

F...

Why did the police arrest the Christmas goose?

They suspected it of fowl play.

How did Jack know exactly where to find the goose in the giant's castle?

He had *bean stalking* her.

I shot a birdie on hole #17 this morning at the golf course...

damn goose kept honking while I was trying to line up my putt

A joke that works best when told aloud: The chicken in the library.

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and squawks: "Book!"

Once the librarian has gotten over the confusion of having a chicken in a library, she wonders whether or not the chicken actually wanted a book. She eventually figures that she might as well humour the chicken's r...

I think Ryan Gosling is mature enough now...

for us to call him Ryan Goose.

If you have one Portuguese...

... shouldn't it be portu-goose?

I visited my uncle. He asked me to bring a duck from yard for dinner

I caught one, killed it and brought it to the kitchen. My uncle asked 'Did the duck quack before he died?'

'Yes,' I said , 'He quacked twice.'

'Do you know what he said?'

'No, why ask?'

'He said I'm goose! I'm goose!'

The farmer and the goose go to the movies.

So this farmer goes to the movies with his favorite goose. But they wont let the goose in. So the farmer hides the goose in his pants, buys a ticket and finds his seat.

After about a half an hour the goose is getting restless so the farmer unzips his pants so the goose can get some air. <...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."

Why do geese use Head&Shoulders shampoo?

What’s good for the goose is good for dander

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A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

A stork gets home after a bad day at work and is chilling with his wife.

How was work dear? she asked.
I had a really big baby today and I dropped him because he was to heavy.
Oh you silly goose,she says...the heavy babies are always delivered by crane.

What would you say to someone when you're busy looking for Captain Marvel's cat?

That you're on a wild Goose chase.

Duck duck...

When I was a kid, I had this conversation with a retired Vietnam veteran:

I saw his display of medals and asked about each. They all came with stories that left me wide-eyed and speechless.
All except the last one. I pointed and asked "what about the one that looks like a heart?".
H...

I was out duck hunting with Olivia Wilde.

After a while, Olivia spotted a massive duck in the distance and insisted that I hunt it down.

I started to follow it, through bushes and brambles, woods and fields, over hills and through valleys, until finally, I caught up with it. The huge duck turned in my direction, honked and started r...

A woman goes to the doctor with every complaint in the book...

The doctor examines her but finds nothing wrong. He takes out a note pad and writes down “Wine Eekkant”. “I recommend a drink and calm down,” says the doctor. She takes the paper and leaves all pouty.

On her way home she stops at the market. She searches and searches but can’t find this ...

A Chinese spy wearing a tuxedo walks into a Russian bar.

He says to the bartender, “The name is Wong. Li Wong. I’ll have a martini. Shaken, not stirred.”

“Gin or vodka?” Asks the bartender.

“Surprise me.” Replies Li.

The bartender makes the martini, gives it to Li and says, “If you can guess the name of the alcohol, it’s on th...

Theodore was feeding geese when his friend David walked by

Say there, Theodore, what are you doing?"

"Why, I'm feeding these here geese, David."

"I can see that, but why do you keep staring at the bread crumbs?"

"Well, David, what's good for a goose is good for a gander."

A New Take on a Classic Joke

The weather outside has been cold as the left side of a killer whale's behind recently, and I decided to buy myself a new jacket. So I went to the mall with a friend to see what jackets there were available.

Unfortunately for me, everyone else in the city had the same idea. We first went to N...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

If a very social person is called a "people person"...

Then wouldn't a very social goose be called a "geese goose"?

Ryan Gosling is 36 years old

Shouldn't we be calling him Ryan Goose already?

Why did Ed Gein keep his house so hot?

To prevent the furniture from getting goose bumps.

The Kings English

I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you, On hiccough, thorough, slough and through.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word, That looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead: It’s said like bed, not bead -- For goodness’ sake, don...

"Why do you enjoy running geese over in your car?"

"It gives me Goose Bumps!"

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