Unpack Jokes - 55 Hilarious Unpack Jokes

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That...

Unpacking my bag after arriving at the hotel in Spain and realise I forgot to pack my toiletries bag...

After the long flight I desperately needed some stuff from my bag so without hesitation went to the closest shop. I asked the Spanish man behind the counter if he had any deodorant, he replied in a broken English accent “ball or aerosol” confused I said “no no just for my armpits please”

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A man walks into a confessional booth...

A man walks into a confessional booth and says "Father Forgive me for I have sinned."

The Priest: What is your sin my child?

The Man: Three days ago my mother-in-law was helping me move some stuff around and it started to rain so she stayed the night there. We slept together.

Th...

A man goes to meet his girlfriend's family (long)

A man goes to meet his fiancee's family. At the house is the fiancee, her parents, and her super attractive younger sister. After dinner, the fiancee goes to her room to unpack, the mother is in the kitchen doing dishes, and the father is in his mancave, leaving the man and his girlfriend's sister a...

I asked Santa What he wanted for Christmas

He said, "I would like a gift from your Mother"

I asked why and all he said was "Ho Ho Ho"

I have a lot to unpack here.

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.

Three tortoises go on a picnic...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle open...

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What did the therapist say upon returning home from a long trip?

There's a lot to unpack here.

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Is this OC? I thought of it in the shower. Help with making it better would be appreciated.

A farmer is eating dinner with his lovely daughter. The local merchants son, known for being honest and trustworthy, walks in and says "sir I'd like to lay with your daughter." The farmer in a rage asks "Why the hell would I let you do that?" To which the merchants son reply's "I was just diagnos...

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

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Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven

Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven, St. peter is there to greet them. He tells the three men that heaven is a bit crowded at the moment and he can only let one of them go through right now. To be fair he tells the guys that “whoever has died the most unusual death can go ahead but the o...

Did you hear about the family who hired a moving van to move their other, smaller moving van?

Yeah. There's a lot to unpack there.

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

If you could bring a suitcase to heaven

An old rich man is nearing the end of his life. He has started many charity organizations and has always been generous to the poor, but he never really felt like he found any purpose to his life, so he decides to attend a Christian congregation one Sunday. The minister gave a lesson entitled, 'If yo...

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A well-known psychotherapist sets down the last box to complete their move into a new home.

"Well, that's a lot to unpack."

An illiterate dad and his son who has a PhD in astrology went camping.

They unpacked and set up their tent. After dinner they went to sleep. A few hours later dad woke and was looking at the stars.

He woke his son up and asked him, "what do you see?"

He son said, "astronomically, it tells you that there are a lot of galaxies out there,"

His father...

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea....

She probably won’t find out until she gets home and starts unpacking.

City Man Visits the Farm

A farmer's sister and her husband come and visit from the city. After unpacking the husband asks the farmer what he is planning to do.

"Wait," the husband says let me guess, "You are going to jump in your tractor, program the GPS, turn on the AC, crank up the radio and cruise around all day....

The company sent my department on a work trip

The last night before heading back home, we decided to play a prank to one of our colleges - we put a pack of condoms in his suitcase. When he got home, his wife started unpacking his stuff, and found our "gift". Without skipping a beat, he explained: "We were all given pack of condoms when we arriv...

Lost my job at the supermarket so trying my luck as a musician

I don’t know much but I know how to tuna can

*(Courtesy of my extremely tired brain whilst unpacking groceries)*

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Japanese Toilet

I'm from the UK. My best mate from uni moved to Japan a few years ago for work, he's settled down there and married a nice Japanese girl. Whenever he's been back over, he's always invited me to come and visit them, and this year I finally had the chance.

The flight over was great, the ride fr...

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A Single Guy Moves From New York City to the DEEP Country

He is so tired of city life he decides to move to the middle of nowhere and try something new. He buys a plot of land with a small farmhouse and 100 acres.

As he is unpacking his UHaul, he sees an old beat up truck kicking up dust down the dirt road. The truck turns on his lane and a man ge...

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A week before the wedding the groom had penis accident

So doctor told him that he has to put bandage on it for at least 1 week exactly

Guy started to worry how's he going to explain to his wife-to-be what happened so he decided to come up with something

When their first night together came his wife said

"Do you see my boobs? No one ...

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A man walks into a hotel with his family...

...and talks to the receptionist.
After checking in their reservation, his family starts walking toward the elevator to unpack their luggage in their room. The man stays behind to ask a question.

"Hey, is the porn here disabled?"

Then receptionist looks appalled and harshly replies ...

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3 construction workers. (Long)

There were three construction workers building a hotel. One of them was Wei, another was Daniel and the other was Marcel. During lunch breaks, thr three would go to the top of the hotel and eat their lunch. Wei unpacked his lunched and exclaimed "Sushi! My favorite!", before digging into his lunch. ...

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Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

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The single girl

A short joke, but one of my favorites.

A girl in her mid twenties goes to the supermarket. When she is done with her shopping, she begins walking towards the checkout (as you do).
At the checkout sits a guy, around her age. Short brown hair, brown eyes, a cute smile. Well, kind of an att...

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A wealthy businessman sells everything he has and moves to a cottage in the countryside.

He unpacks his things and goes out to the front porch to sit on his rocking chair and soak in the ambiance.

A pickup rolls by.

"Howdy!" says the driver, a toothless bearded man in his fifties.

"Hey!"

"You new round here?"

"Sure am. Just unpacked."

"Say,...

Three bridge security guards are sitting down to eat lunch...

The unpack their lunches. The first one has a bologna sandwich, the second has a PB&J sandwich, and the third has a ham and cheese sandwich. The next day, they have the same sandwiches again. This continues for many days until one day they are sick of it. They decide that if they don't get somet...

A man just moved into a new house...

His house was really nice and so was his neighborhood. But the first time he went to his backyard, he tried to look over the fence. When he approached the fence, it started screetching at him.

"REEEEEEE!"

Startled, the man jumped back. He thought no one would believe him if he told th...

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A german man is having vacation in Africa

He gets in a bar and sits on a table. Shortly after, the female bartender comes and serves him. As he drinks his beer he recognises some scratches in the table about 30cm from the edge.
As the bartender came again he asked: "Why are there these scratches?"
Bartender:"Yesterday 3 black men came...

Three workers were having lunch on a bridge

They were each discussing what they had for lunch. Sam had a ham and cheese sandwich: “Man if my wife packs ham and cheese one more time this week I am jumping off this bridge. Tony had roast beef: “Me too man, I’m sick of roast beef. If I get this one more time this month I’m jumping off.” Carl had...

Plumber and a lawyer

A pipe bursts in a lawyer’s house, so he calls a plumber. The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and hands the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaims, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”

The plumber replies symp...

A Man Goes Fishing On A Frozen River

It was dark. But a man (who had just enjoyed a few beers in his regularly visited bar) was determined to make a catch before he returned home. The afternoon hadn't been too successful, but maybe the night would bring more luck.

He found another part of his local river, one that was completely...

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Welcome Party

Joe moves onto a new property in some land near Yellowstone National Park - middle of nowhere, but beautiful.

A few days after unpacking his stuff, Joe sees a pickup truck drive up his long and winding driveway. This cowboy type gets out of the truck and extends his hand with a greeting.
<...

A man moved into a retirement home...

An elderly man decided it was time to move on. He packed his stuff and moved into a retirement home.

On his first day there, as he was unpacking his stuff into his room, he could help but notice that the woman in the room across the hall was staring at him. He thought it was odd but decided ...

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Who is this?

An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. ...

poor guy.

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries...

Until I unpacked them all & said, "That's how I want you to do it."

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3 couples go on a camping trip...

When the 3 couples get to the camp site they all unpack and one of the couples realizes that they left their tent at home. So the 3 couples agree that with the 2 tents that the men will sleep in one tent and the women will sleep in the other. In the middle of the night one of the men wakes up exci...

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The Lie-Bot

A father comes home one day with a large cardboard box. When he unpacks it, the family's startled to see it contains a humanoid robot.

"This is a lie detector 'bot," the dad says. "It's programmed to slap anyone who tells a lie." He looks at his son and says, "Timmy, what were you watching o...

It's 1975, and John and Amy had just gotten married.

They go grocery shopping for their first time as a married couple. They buy various items, including lots of jars of food.

They get home, and Amy starts unpacking. John notices something strange... Amy takes the first jar and opens it, closes it again, and puts it in the refrigerator. She goe...

A man is tired of fast paced city life so he decides to move to the country

As he is unpacking his new redneck neighbor walks over to his place.

"Howdy" he shouts, "To celebrate my new neighbor moving out here I thought we should throw a little party, there's gonna be a whole lotta dancing, a whole lotta drinking and a whole lotta screwing"

The city slicker ge...

It's an Army Captain's first day as Company Commander.....

He is in his new office, unpacking his stuff and setting things up, there is a knock on the door. The new Captain wants to impress his new soldiers, so he sits down, picks up the phone, and says "Come in."

A private enters the room, the Captain holds up his finger and starts talking "Ok Ge...

Australians

An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!"
"No,"...

The sign on the music shop read "Get Your Free Guitar Now! No Terms and Conditions applied".

Bob quickly got hold of one of them and unpacked the package. He was surprised to see that the guitar lacked strings.

I guess you could say:
"There were no strings attached."

"The Four Businessmen"

Four businessmen walk onto a train: one from China, one from France, one from Mexico, and one from the United States.
They all sit together in a room with an open window and begin unpacking their lunches.
The Frenchman eats half of his croissant and tosses the remainder of it out the window....

A newlywed couple decide to go on a honeymoon...

... To Florida. The husband gets there before his wife does and decides to send her an email. He finishes unpacking and types it out, but when he sends it, he misstypes the adress and accidentally sends it to an old lady whose husband had recently died. The old lady reads the message and faints. It ...

The Tractor Joke - Long!

Jacob grey up on his dad's farm, and ever since he was a little boy he loved tractors!

When he was very young he would play with little toy tractors in the house and attempt to dig up the garden with the little bucket, when he was 5 his parents bought him a miniature sit on tractor and he wou...

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First Day at the Rest Home

This is one of my favorite jokes. Also, my first post on Reddit. Be gentle:

An old man is checking into a rest home with his son. The old man is apprehensive about the place, but the son is reassuring.
"Don't worry, Dad," says the son. "You'll like it here." They finish unpacking and the s...

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Two turtles decide to go on a picnic

It takes them two hours to get to the top of a hill. As they were unpacking their lunch the first turtle says to the second " oh no, we forgot the can opener for the beers". The second turtle says " well I'm not going to get it, while I'm gone you're going to eat my sandwich". The first turtle repli...

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Little Jonny and the annoying preacher!

During the summer, little Jonny and his parents had just moved into a new house that just happened to be right next to a church. After unpacking, and a good nights rest, little Jonny was awakened pretty early in the morning, by a loud voice coming from the church next door. He peered out his window ...

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Poor peasant and his lunch

There was a peasant who owned a small land for cultivation. He was a very modest man, living a peaceful life. Everytime he was leaving for work in the field, his wife would make him very delicious sandwiches. The sandwiches were made out of fresh baked bread, with homemade butter, cheese, ham, and f...

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A turtle and his girlfriend leave the house for a picnic.

They walk for a hour before finding the perfect spot. They begin unpacking their picnic basket and soon realize they have all the food but forgot their dishes and silverware.

"You should go get them," says the girl.

"Are you kidding me? It took us forever to get here. Let's just d...

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The Mountain Man

Fred moves to the middle of the Rocky Mountains. There's not another living soul for miles as far as he knew. As he is unpacking his final belongings, he hears a loud knock on the door. He curiously opens the door and sees this tower of a man, about as big as they come. The mountain man looks at him...

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