A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

Hot actors are like hot ovens

It usually makes the news whenever someone puts a baby inside them.

Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die?

00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.

I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?

632 Hallmark movies.

Why do actors tell each other to "break a leg"?

Because every play needs a cast.

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What do I, after a week of game binging, have in common with a hardcore anal porn actress/actor ?

It's a pain in the ass afterwards, and I have to learn to walk again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat?

Butt weight, there's more!

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An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump?

T hanks

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My coworker told me about his dark past as a porn actor,

He was the husband who got cheated on

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

1. What do you call a fight between celebrity actors? ( more)

1. **What do you call a fight between celebrity actors?**

**Star Wars!**



**2. What do you call a man with two pieces of wood on his head?**

**Edward Woodwood!**



3. **What do you call a pig that knows karate?**
**Pork chop!**


4....

How do you call a castrated dog actor?

A cone artist.

Cardi B is a great actor

She acts like she can sing and people love her.

The actor who played Like Skywalker went on a diet...

...and changed his name to Mark Hamill. Before he lost so much weight his name was Mark Hamilton.


---
(My kids laughed when I told them this joke. They have been watching the Hamilton musical. I asked if the show was about the actor who played Like Skywalker before his weight loss. ......

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What did the shitty actor with a drug problem say?

"Line?"

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

Why do other actors hate working with Charlie Sheen?

Because he is bad with lines!

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What do you call a knight who's working as a porn actor?

Sir Camelot.

Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

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A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

Why don't gymnasts make much money as actors?

They normally perform non-speaking rolls

One of my favorite actors is Mark Ruffalo, but I’ve always wondered...

How many buffalo could Mark Ruffalo buffalo, if Mark Ruffalo could buffalo buffalo?

A zoo’s only gorilla dies...

so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.

In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion’s enclosure, taunting the animal below. ...

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.

DiCaprio says “I’ll be the lead actor”
Clooney says “I guess I’ll be the director” McConaughey says “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write”

What do you call an actor thats a program?

What do you call a guy thats an actor and a program?
Matt Daemon Tools.

I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art.

It's called, "Mime and Punishment".

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

I was playing an updated version of Oregon Trail voiced by Terry Crews.

I made the comment that he wasn’t a good voice actor, and the game abruptly ended. Apparently, I died of dissin’ Terry.

Actor: to be or not to be?

######Me: [aggressively shaking beehive]...
sounds like more than two

The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk...

What does an actor sing in the shower?

Soap opera

Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.

She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.

I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel?

Goose.

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I always wanted to be a porn actor.

Then I realized that it is quite a hard business.

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

only one cause they don't like to share the spot light

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What does a Japanese Soldier and a Actor have in common?

When they get discovered, their career blows up.

A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?

He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor.

crisp rat

The Kool-Aid man use to be a broadway actor

He had to turn to commercials after learning he had the inability to stop himself from breaking the fourth wall.

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Why was the porn actor fired?

He came too late at work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a porn actor with bad aim?

Mr Completely

Why do politicians tend to appear in movie cameos ?

Because they are such good actors.

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They hold on the bulb, and the world revolves around them.

I accidentally swallowed some poison last night, and I had the strangest hallucination.

I was looking out of my window, and a group of former athletes walked by. Baseball players Don Mattingly, Pete Rose, and Ray Knight we’re talking with Konrad Dorn, an Austrian hockey player. Football superstars Troy Aikman and Emmett Smith were carrying guitars.

Next, a group of men from the ...

Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform?

in the audit-orium

The lead actor in a play has become very ill.

This is a case of lead poisoning.

Holywood isn't real!

They're all paid actors!

Guys,don't be fooled by Hollywood

That place are filled up with paid actors

An actor walks into a bar.

He yells out to the stage crew. "Can someone put some glowtape on this please? This is a hazard."

Stalin attends the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin repl...

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An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent.

"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"

"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"

"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"

"'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" says the agent.

"I love it" says the actor "When...

What's the only natural thing that can be an actor?

The rock!

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

You know which actor is best known for his headshot?

John Wilkes Booth

Teacher : Who's your favourite Actor?

Me: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Teacher: Spell it?!
Me: only joking its Jet Li

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

Yesterday I went to see a play about Abraham Lincoln

One of the actors literally killed it during the final act.

What’s the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles?

Can I have some more coffee?

I saw a sign that said no smoking in the cinema.

After two minutes I stepped outside and said to the assistant, "There's a guy in there smoking a cigarette."



"OK," he replied, following me in. "Let me have a look."



"There he is," I pointed, "you've got to caution him or something."



The assistant stopped...

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

“The Irishman” stars Italian actors and I think I know why...

...the Irish actors were too hungover to make it to set on time.

Have you heard about the troupe of actors who supported themselves by making and selling camel milk cheese?

The called themselves the Drama Dairy.

My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

I was once told I looked like an actor enough to be his stunt double.

The actor was Danny DeVito.

Two actors are practicing their lines for a show.

The first guy says: "How could you do this to me? I hate you!" The second says: "You're making me so angry I swear I'm going to PUNCH you!" The first says "That line sounds cheesy. It makes it seem like a children's show. Let's talk to the writers about it." So they go the the writers and explain th...

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

Two boll weevils grew up on a farm in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and, amazingly, became a famous actor...

The other stayed behind and never amounted to much.

I guess you could say he was the lesser of two weevils.

What do you get when you cross the world’s best actor with the Lorax

Keanu Leaves

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Why did the male incest porn actor get emotional and start crying on set?

Because he saw so much of himself in his daughter.

I was once an actor in an action movie.

Me: "Stay back, or I'll kick you!"

Director: "Cut! You messed up, try it again. Aaaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll smack you!"

Director: "Cuuut! Come on, get it correct this time! Aaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll pinch you!"

Director: "CUT! That's it, ...

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