UPJOKE
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There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

What do you call it when two actors are spying on each other?

thespianage

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What do male prostitutes and the actor who played inspector clouseau have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

A fellow actor told me to break a leg…

I told him to call my casting agent

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What did the porn director say when his male actor missed his cue to cum?

Hey Jack! You late!

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

What does the actor who plays Bucky Barnes have in commom with his overzealous supporters?

They're all Sebastian stans.

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies

A large movie studio is making a movie about famous musical composers played by very muscular actors. They had all of the actors choose who they wanted to be.

Dwayne Johnson chose Mozart.

Lou Ferrigno wanted Beethoven.

When asked who he wanted to play, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “I’ll be Bach.”

Pigs make bad actors

They're all hams

Who’s the buff actor who keeps sneezing?

Ah it’s Vin Sniesel

An Austrian archaeological team has recovered the bodies of several perfectly preserved neolithic hunters from within a mountain glacier. When asked for comment, American actor, Haley Joel Osment said:

Icy dead people.

Top 5 highest Paid Black Actors

1. Terry Crews $800,000,000
2. Bill Cosby $400,000,000
3. Will Smith $350,000,000
4. Robert Downey Jr $300,000,000
5. Denzel Washington $280,000,000

Most people don't realize that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun: Maverick...

...is the same actor who played Wilson in the 2000 movie "Castaway".

What's the difference between an actor and a thief?

One steals the spotlight, and the other *steals* the spotlight!

What has 12 writers, 20 actors, and 3 plots?

The Hallmark Channel

If Will Smith doesn’t win for Best Actor

He really will have hit rock bottom.

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

What's the difference between an actor from California and a senator from Texas?

One will punch a man for talking badly about his wife, the other will help that man become president.

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

Three action movie actors decided to do a movie about classical composers...

Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Beethovan"

Sylvester Stallone replied, "I'll be Mozart"

Arnold Schwarzenegger chimed in, "I'll be Bach"

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

There is a Hollywood actor who only sleeps in a sterling silver cell.

It’s Nickeless Cage.

Let's discuss spam, spammers, and the spamming spammers who spam.

What did the moderator say to the subscribers?

Nobody knows, because nobody ever reads what moderators write.

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Yes, it was a bad joke, but at least it wasn't a repost... which is *kind of* what we're here to discuss today:

As many of you are no doubt aware, spammers...

We do we tell actors to 'break a leg'?

Because every play needs a cast...

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There was going to be a great TV show about the Air Force, but one of the actors was accused of sexual misconduct…

so they cancelled the pilot.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg" Because every Movie has a cast

Found this on the internet. Found it funny

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Three burglars who used to work as voice actors break into a house

They get down to the basement with their big gunnysacks in hopes of looting valuables when they hear someone walking down the stairs. One of them says "Quickly! Hide in the bags." They hide in their own bags and the owner comes down to see three suspicious looking bags that he had never seen before ...

My wife’s an aspiring actor, and things most be going really well!

On her last flight to LA (she’s a flight attendant) she told me she did multiple pilots!

Elderly Einsteins secret…

As he grew older, Einstein grew tired of giving the same interview, the same lecture, over and over again. His chauffeur recognizes this and says he knows Einstein's speeches inside and out, he is an amateur actor and began to recite them. Einstein was enthusiastic and for the following years Eins...

What do you call an actor who finished paying-off his house loan?

Mortgage Freeman

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A President, an Actor and a Soldier try to go in to a bar

But his balls were too big to fit through the double doors.

What's the difference between a president and and actor?

One leads the land, the other lands the lead.

A well-known American actor is walking through the centre of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Suddenly, a member of the public stops him, and says, "I recognise you from somewhere, are you famous?"

The actor answered, "As a matter of fact, I am. I played Commodus in the movie 'Gladiator.'"

Astonished, the Geordie replied "Are you Joaquin?"

To which Joaquin said "Yes, but...

As an actor, you either die,

Or live long enought to play Batman.

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A good way to start a speech at a pornography actors Christmas party…

“You know guys, we’ve been through so much this year, that we really ARE family!”

Leslie Nielsen auditioned for a specific role in Harry Potter.

But the casting director, unsure who this old actor was, told him :
— Shirley, you can't be Sirius.

I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".

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Two dads, Philip and Mike, fight every day about their respective sons’ physical growth.

Both of the kids go to the same kindergarten. As Philip and Mike watch on as they go in, Mike tells Philip, “Y’know buddy, my son is currently 4 foot. He’ll grow up to be an actor!”

Philip replies, “We’ll see about that, my son is 4 foot one. And your son will never get popular if he’s short,...

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

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Some porn actors are like major Hollywood stars.

They receive backend revenue for their films.

Which actor could never play Quasimodo?

Humpfree Bogart

Just found out that the Oscars is actually a big lie

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

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A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

What did the theater actor get for Christmas?

Stage presents.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

Who is a deep fried rodent’s favourite actor?

Chris Pratt

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Personalities

1) Polite - farts and says "Pardon!"

2) Cynic - Farts while looking you directly in the eyes

3) Chivalrous - lets the lady fart first

4) Gourmand - Farts for his own pleasure

5) Sentimental - Farts and says "Oh..."

6) Idealist - farts out of conviction

7) C...

Who are the two most impunctual actors in Hollywood?

Jenny S’late and Christian S’later

Why are motion capture actors no longer allowed to pick the tightest fitting mocap-suit?

Because it constantly turned on the cameras.

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

A shout out to Jussie Smollette

On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.

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What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat?

Butt weight, there's more!

Why are chickens the cheapest voice actors?

They only charge a buck, a buck a buckaw.

Little Jewish boy Chaim an aspiring actor..

Little Chaim, an aspiring actor comes running home excitedly to his mother..

“Mom, I got a great role in the school play”

His mother beams and says, “That’s great son. What part are you playing?”

“I play the part of the Jewish father in a nice Jewish family”

His mother sm...

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

Hot actors are like hot ovens

It usually makes the news whenever someone puts a baby inside them.

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

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Based on a real incident [Long}

"Who wants to be an engineer?" asked the teacher in a classroom.

Some students raise their hands except one boy.

"Who wants to be a doctor?" asked the teacher again.

Again some students raise their hands except for that one boy.

"Who wants to be a teacher?" asked the teac...

I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.

I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

I told my actor friend to break a leg...

.....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.

Trump quits US actors' union

Makes sense, why stay with a union after quitting your career in showbusiness?

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

I was trying to find the actor who played Rosanne’s husband on the show

But a Goodman is hard to find

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

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What did the shitty actor with a drug problem say?

"Line?"

Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.

She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.

Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump?

T hanks

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade?

A huge rant

What do you call an actor who steals cheese?

Brie Larson

What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor?

Eye Patchino

A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?

He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security

Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

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What do I, after a week of game binging, have in common with a hardcore anal porn actress/actor ?

It's a pain in the ass afterwards, and I have to learn to walk again.

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An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

Why did the French actor jump into a river?

Because it was in the scene!

What's the only natural thing that can be an actor?

The rock!

What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor.

crisp rat

I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel?

Goose.

How do you call a castrated dog actor?

A cone artist.

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They hold on the bulb, and the world revolves around them.

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