The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk...

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They hold on the bulb, and the world revolves around them.

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Why was the porn actor fired?

He came too late at work.

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#NSFW #Religion - A porn actor walks into a hair salon

He is seated behind a nun. And struck with her beauty, he tells her:

"I wanna have sex with you."

She turns her head and looks at him with disgust.

"I'm a nun. I can't do those things."

Irritated, she stands and leaves the hair salon.
The barber comes to him and says:<...

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

Why do actors say “break a leg” before a show?

Because it has to be supported by a strong cast.

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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What do you call a porn actor with bad aim?

Mr Completely

Which actor could have majored as an English professor?

Kelsey Grammer

What do you call an occurence where an old actor forgets his lines?

Onset Dementia

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Why do you say "break a leg" to an actor ?

Cause without a good cast they are fucked

I was once told I looked like an actor enough to be his stunt double.

The actor was Danny DeVito.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

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An actor, a businessman and a redneck

An actor, a businessman and a redneck are sitting in a bar on Christmas eve. The actor says, "I got my wife the perfect gift. A dress and a diamond necklace. That way if she doesn't like dress she has a diamond necklace."

The business man says, "I got my wife a new sweater and a ring. That wa...

What's the only natural thing that can be an actor?

The rock!

My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

What do you call an actor who hauls seafood?

Carrie Fisher.

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

Is there a more Dutch sounding actor than Tom Holland?

Yes, there's Tom Hollander.

Why do the actors hate performing at the haunted theater?

Boo!

Jussie Smollett paid two black actors to beat him up,

when Liam Neeson would have done it for nothing.

You know which actor is best known for his headshot?

John Wilkes Booth

A struggling actor gets a call from his agent.

Agent: Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Actor: Give me the good news first.

Agent: I've found you a role in a production of *Hamlet*.

Actor: Well that's awesome! I've made it! How could there possibly be bad news?

Agent: You're the skull.

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

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A woman married four times: to a tycoon, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker.

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

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A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 

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He’d turned...

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

Landlord: That Spanish actor out of Skyfall was kicking off in my pub the other night.

Customer: Javier Bardem?

Landlord: No, but he IS on his final warning.

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

Dan is an aspiring actor who has recently been feelimg down.

He's done audition after countless audition, but has never managed to get a role. One day, as he's looking for another job, about to give up, he gets a call from his manager.

"Hello," Dan says.

"Hey," said Dan's agent, "I just managed to get you cast in a play. It's really last minute,...

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

There are actors called Tom Holland and Tom Hollander

I can only deduce from this that there are also actors called Tom Holland With A Vengeance, Live Free or Tom Holland & A Good Day To Tom Holland.

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

An aspiring actor turned thief has broken into Sydney Opera House.

Sources say he stole the spotlight.

I've been holding auditions for actors to play a new Fantastic Four team this afternoon...

... it's so stressful.

It's just been one Thing after another.

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An actor was playing the role of Macbeth

And he was delivering his soliloquy so poorly that the audience began to boo him loudly. Halfway through, the actor stopped and yelled "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

Who is CRISPR's favorite actor?

Gene Hackman

Actor Hugh Laurie was so fond of the works of Samuel Beckett that he once devoured an entire anthology of his poetry.

Hugh felt that he deserved to be a poet Laurie ate.

Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

Thanks

Moishe the actor

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that
he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor Needed To Play
An Ape." "I could do that," says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New Yor...

What do you call an actor preparing for a role as a drug addict?

A meth-head actor

3 Actors walk into a bar

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doin...

What do you call an actor that spent all his money on condoms?

Johnny Debt.

Silent Actor

**Young Actor:** "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

**Father:** "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

Why did the actor in the prescription drug commercial cross the road?

To get to the other side effects.

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

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This guy wants to be an actor

Even though he is quite talented, his weird name is getting on his way.

No talent hunter will give him a chance. He is very proud of his name and is not willing to change any of it: Penis Wagon Lesbian.

He will not use a stage name either.

Years go by without him getting any ro...

I can't even picture my favorite actor going to jail now.

But if he does, he'll have to change his name to Morgan Man.

What do you call an actor that is underwater?

Keanu Reefs

What do an actor and a person with Alzheimer’s have in common?

They both act like it’s the first time they’ve had this conversation.

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

Owen Wilson is an ok actor...

I personally like his brother more, even though he doesn't have that "wow" factor.

Sadly, the voice actor of Tony the Tiger has passed away

His last words: "I don't feel GRRRREAT!"

What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

That World Series game was so long...

When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

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The most difficult actors to work with are children and animals

Especially in pornography

The Chancellor of Germany, Prince Harry's wife, and the actor who played Gollum should set up an emporium of pubic wigs in Sarkel, Russia

...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"

Two cannibals are eating an actor

One turns to the other and says "Tastes pretty overdone to me"

Kevin Spacey is no longer going to be an actor. He's going to teach guitar.

Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.

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[OC] A notoriously bad stage actor died recently.

The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse.

An actor had been struggling to find work . . .

He would get repeatedly rejected from every audition. One day he tried out for a role as a vampire. The casting director told him he had never seen anyone suck so bad.

What did The Rock go by after he became a washed up actor?

The Sediment

What do you call a blonde actor with a long neck?

Charlize Heron

Some actors were planning to make a movie on famous composers

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks were all making a movie about famous composers. Leo said, "I'd like to play Beethoven." Tom said, "I'd like to play Mozart." Arnie said "I'll be Bach"

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I kind of feel bad for all of these big name actors and Hollywood people being outcast because of their deviant sexual behavior

Oh well, at least they can still be president.

What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?

Mortgage freeman.

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Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous movie actor.

Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.

One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he
exercised all day.

Stanley said,"Look, ...

My life as an actor is finally paying off!

The other guys insurance company isn't too happy about it though.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.

“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

Three dead improv actors are told that only those who died a horrible death are allowed to enter Heaven due to overcrowding

So, the first thinks for a second and then explains to St. Peter that he got home and found his wife naked in bed in the middle of day. Suspecting adultery, he had searched their 10th floor apartment until he finally found a man hanging from the balcony by his finger nails.

Overcome with jeal...

What is Arnold Schwarzenegger now that he's not an actor?

An exterminator

If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....

Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

Tommy Wiseau was considering casting Dumbo as a lead actor

He changed his mind because nobody would talk about the elephant in the room.

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(NSFW) you can easily get hired as a porno actor, with little-to-no experience...

Most positions are entry-level.

All those car commercials that say "real people, not actors"

I agree, actors aren't real people.

Why was John F. Kennedy secretly a more successful actor than Ronald Reagan?

He always knew how to take the perfect headshot.

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