The 103+ Best Actor Jokes

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

Did you hear about the actor who fell through a floorboard?

He was just going through a stage

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

why do we tell actors to "break a leg"

because every play has a cast

A fellow actor told me to break a leg…

I told him to call my casting agent

I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.

His original name was Odometer.

First the writers went on strike, now the actors …

who’s going to clear all the tables in Hollywood restaurants?

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An actor was on stage playing Macbeth...

...and when he did the soliloquy he performed it so poorly that everyone in the audience began to boo him loudly. Finally in humiliation he stopped and yelled, "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

The actors strike is delaying the release of Oppenheimer

That’s okay, it was probably going to bomb anyway.

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A washed up actor, a drug addict, and a sexual predator walk into a bar

Andy Dick finally found one he hasn't been kicked out of.

Why did the actor break their arm?

Because they wanted to be in a cast!

Why can’t snooker players become actors?

They’ll miss their cue.

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What do male prostitutes and the actor who played inspector clouseau have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

Most people don't realize that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun: Maverick...

...is the same actor who played Wilson in the 2000 movie "Castaway".

Actors strike update: Kevin Bacon joins the picket line in sweltering Hollywood

He's going to sizzle out there

I visited the actors strike today

There was a lot of drama.

What a similarity between an actor and politician

Everyone knows them for who they pretend to be.

what do an actor and a waiter have in common?

They're both waiters.

What do you call it when two actors are spying on each other?

thespianage

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

What does the actor who plays Bucky Barnes have in commom with his overzealous supporters?

They're all Sebastian stans.

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A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

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What did the porn director say when his male actor missed his cue to cum?

Hey Jack! You late!

Who’s the buff actor who keeps sneezing?

Ah it’s Vin Sniesel

What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?

Mortgage freeman.

An Austrian archaeological team has recovered the bodies of several perfectly preserved neolithic hunters from within a mountain glacier. When asked for comment, American actor, Haley Joel Osment said:

Icy dead people.

What's the difference between an actor from California and a senator from Texas?

One will punch a man for talking badly about his wife, the other will help that man become president.

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

What's the difference between a president and and actor?

One leads the land, the other lands the lead.

What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

A well-known American actor is walking through the centre of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Suddenly, a member of the public stops him, and says, "I recognise you from somewhere, are you famous?"

The actor answered, "As a matter of fact, I am. I played Commodus in the movie 'Gladiator.'"

Astonished, the Geordie replied "Are you Joaquin?"

To which Joaquin said "Yes, but...

There is a Hollywood actor who only sleeps in a sterling silver cell.

It’s Nickeless Cage.

What has 12 writers, 20 actors, and 3 plots?

The Hallmark Channel

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

My wife’s an aspiring actor, and things most be going really well!

On her last flight to LA (she’s a flight attendant) she told me she did multiple pilots!

As an actor, you either die,

Or live long enought to play Batman.

Top 5 highest Paid Black Actors

1. Terry Crews $800,000,000
2. Bill Cosby $400,000,000
3. Will Smith $350,000,000
4. Robert Downey Jr $300,000,000
5. Denzel Washington $280,000,000

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A President, an Actor and a Soldier try to go in to a bar

But his balls were too big to fit through the double doors.

If Will Smith doesn’t win for Best Actor

He really will have hit rock bottom.

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

Pigs make bad actors

They're all hams

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".

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There was going to be a great TV show about the Air Force, but one of the actors was accused of sexual misconduct…

so they cancelled the pilot.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink

“It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff” Said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff” the actor replied

“Sure” the bartender said

“No hassle”

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

Who is a deep fried rodent’s favourite actor?

Chris Pratt

Three action movie actors decided to do a movie about classical composers...

Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Beethovan"

Sylvester Stallone replied, "I'll be Mozart"

Arnold Schwarzenegger chimed in, "I'll be Bach"

Which actor could never play Quasimodo?

Humpfree Bogart

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A good way to start a speech at a pornography actors Christmas party…

“You know guys, we’ve been through so much this year, that we really ARE family!”

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

Which actor makes the most jokes?

J. K. Simmons

Because he's always JK

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Some porn actors are like major Hollywood stars.

They receive backend revenue for their films.

What did the theater actor get for Christmas?

Stage presents.

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

A theater actor kept forgetting his lines, so he painted the script on the stage.

It was a play on words.

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Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

Why are motion capture actors no longer allowed to pick the tightest fitting mocap-suit?

Because it constantly turned on the cameras.

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

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What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat?

Butt weight, there's more!

Steven Yeun makes Oscars history as first Asian American to be nominated for best actor.

Which is honestly disheartening because there are so many Asian American actors in the past who had performances that deserved best actor.

Like Mickey Rooney in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.

I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

I told my actor friend to break a leg...

.....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.

Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump?

T hanks

Who are the two most impunctual actors in Hollywood?

Jenny S’late and Christian S’later

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

I was trying to find the actor who played Rosanne’s husband on the show

But a Goodman is hard to find

If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....

Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They hold on the bulb, and the world revolves around them.

Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.

She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.

Little Jewish boy Chaim an aspiring actor..

Little Chaim, an aspiring actor comes running home excitedly to his mother..

“Mom, I got a great role in the school play”

His mother beams and says, “That’s great son. What part are you playing?”

“I play the part of the Jewish father in a nice Jewish family”

His mother sm...

Trump quits US actors' union

Makes sense, why stay with a union after quitting your career in showbusiness?

What do you call an actor who steals cheese?

Brie Larson

Why are chickens the cheapest voice actors?

They only charge a buck, a buck a buckaw.

What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor?

Eye Patchino

A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?

He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

What's the only natural thing that can be an actor?

The rock!

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

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What did the shitty actor with a drug problem say?

"Line?"

The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security

Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade?

A huge rant

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What do I, after a week of game binging, have in common with a hardcore anal porn actress/actor ?

It's a pain in the ass afterwards, and I have to learn to walk again.

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

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An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

A shout out to Jussie Smollette

On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.

Why did the French actor jump into a river?

Because it was in the scene!

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel?

Goose.

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