What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

We do we tell actors to 'break a leg'?

Because every play needs a cast...

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

As an actor, you either die,

Or live long enought to play Batman.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

A well-known American actor is walking through the centre of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Suddenly, a member of the public stops him, and says, "I recognise you from somewhere, are you famous?"

The actor answered, "As a matter of fact, I am. I played Commodus in the movie 'Gladiator.'"

Astonished, the Geordie replied "Are you Joaquin?"

To which Joaquin said "Yes, but...

What do you call an actor who finished paying-off his house loan?

Mortgage Freeman

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

You know what I say to all aspiring actors?

Double Cheeseburger with Fries please.

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Some porn actors are like major Hollywood stars.

They receive backend revenue for their films.

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

Who are the two most impunctual actors in Hollywood?

Jenny S’late and Christian S’later

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

Which actor makes the most jokes?

J. K. Simmons


Because he's always JK

Which actor could never play Quasimodo?

Humpfree Bogart

Why are chickens the cheapest voice actors?

They only charge a buck, a buck a buckaw.

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

Little Jewish boy Chaim an aspiring actor..

Little Chaim, an aspiring actor comes running home excitedly to his mother..

“Mom, I got a great role in the school play”

His mother beams and says, “That’s great son. What part are you playing?”

“I play the part of the Jewish father in a nice Jewish family”

His mother sm...

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

Who is a deep fried rodent’s favourite actor?

Chris Pratt

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

What would you call the actor who plays Aquaman if he was a typo?

Jason Lmoa

Big Lebowski

I used to have a job making coffee on the set of the Big Lebowski. One day they fired me because the lead actor's coffee was too hot. It was an important lesson about burning bridges.

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

Captain Kirk Clothing

The actor who played Captain Kirk tried to launch his own brand of trousers but they didn't sell very well.

For some reason, people just didn't want to buy Shatner Pants.

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

I was trying to find the actor who played Rosanne’s husband on the show

But a Goodman is hard to find

I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.

I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Trump quits US actors' union

Makes sense, why stay with a union after quitting your career in showbusiness?

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

Hot actors are like hot ovens

It usually makes the news whenever someone puts a baby inside them.

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A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

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My coworker told me about his dark past as a porn actor,

He was the husband who got cheated on

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Monkey business

In a secret lab, a bunch if scientists are working on modified human DNA. To find out if their experiments work, they infuse monkey cells with the modified DNA. After a few years of raising 3 modified monkeys they send each of them into a different apprenticeship for one year, to see if they are abl...

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

What do you call an actor who steals cheese?

Brie Larson

What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade?

A huge rant

What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor?

Eye Patchino

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

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What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat?

Butt weight, there's more!

Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die?

00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)

The actor who played Like Skywalker went on a diet...

...and changed his name to Mark Hamill. Before he lost so much weight his name was Mark Hamilton.


---
(My kids laughed when I told them this joke. They have been watching the Hamilton musical. I asked if the show was about the actor who played Like Skywalker before his weight loss. ......

Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump?

T hanks

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What do I, after a week of game binging, have in common with a hardcore anal porn actress/actor ?

It's a pain in the ass afterwards, and I have to learn to walk again.

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

Hollywood isn’t real

It’s all just paid actors

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

One of my favorite actors is Mark Ruffalo, but I’ve always wondered...

How many buffalo could Mark Ruffalo buffalo, if Mark Ruffalo could buffalo buffalo?

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...

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What do you call a knight who's working as a porn actor?

Sir Camelot.

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security

Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards

Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.

She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.

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An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

How do you call a castrated dog actor?

A cone artist.

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What did the shitty actor with a drug problem say?

"Line?"

A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?

He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

only one cause they don't like to share the spot light

Actor: to be or not to be?

######Me: [aggressively shaking beehive]...
sounds like more than two

Why don't gymnasts make much money as actors?

They normally perform non-speaking rolls

I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel?

Goose.

Why do other actors hate working with Charlie Sheen?

Because he is bad with lines!

What do you call an actor thats a program?

What do you call a guy thats an actor and a program?
Matt Daemon Tools.

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

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What does a Japanese Soldier and a Actor have in common?

When they get discovered, their career blows up.

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They hold on the bulb, and the world revolves around them.

To Boldly Go...

“My friend had a disastrous date last night... apparently the guy was into giving golden showers. He was a big actor, too, one of the Star Trek guys.”

“Shatner??”

“No, I think she left before he could get to that.”

I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art.

It's called, "Mime and Punishment".

What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor.

crisp rat

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Am i gay?

While watching movies with my girlfriend i sometimes compliment male actors on their good, and sometimes outrageous good looks. My girlfriend often asks me, since i do this alot, ”are you gay?” and that she’s worried i will leave her for a man. So, am i gay? Or am i just comfortable enough with my s...

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I always wanted to be a porn actor.

Then I realized that it is quite a hard business.

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