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Actor Jokes

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through a floorboard?

He was just going through a stage

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested..

As he was getting arrested he kept saying “do you know who I am???”

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

A broadway actor that cheated their way to an award - what's their favorite pasta?

Rigatoni

I just found out that Miles Teller, the actor in Top Gun,uses a stage name.

His original name was Odometer.

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

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An actor was on stage playing Macbeth...

...and when he did the soliloquy he performed it so poorly that everyone in the audience began to boo him loudly. Finally in humiliation he stopped and yelled, "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

Most people don't realize that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun: Maverick...

...is the same actor who played Wilson in the 2000 movie "Castaway".

What a similarity between an actor and politician

Everyone knows them for who they pretend to be.

what do an actor and a waiter have in common?

They're both waiters.

Why did the actor break their arm?

Because they wanted to be in a cast!

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What did the porn director say when his male actor missed his cue to cum?

Hey Jack! You late!

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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A washed up actor, a drug addict, and a sexual predator walk into a bar

Andy Dick finally found one he hasn't been kicked out of.

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The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

After the accident, the actor enjoyed a bit of time away from work.

His buddy had told him to break a leg, so he did.

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A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

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What do male prostitutes and the actor who played inspector clouseau have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

What does the actor who plays Bucky Barnes have in commom with his overzealous supporters?

They're all Sebastian stans.

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A President, an Actor and a Soldier try to go in to a bar

But his balls were too big to fit through the double doors.

What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?

Mortgage freeman.

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

An Austrian archaeological team has recovered the bodies of several perfectly preserved neolithic hunters from within a mountain glacier. When asked for comment, American actor, Haley Joel Osment said:

Icy dead people.

What's the difference between an actor from California and a senator from Texas?

One will punch a man for talking badly about his wife, the other will help that man become president.

There is a Hollywood actor who only sleeps in a sterling silver cell.

It’s Nickeless Cage.

My wife’s an aspiring actor, and things most be going really well!

On her last flight to LA (she’s a flight attendant) she told me she did multiple pilots!

Classic Winston Churchill wit....

These are old and possibly apocryphal, but just in case of the younger redditors haven't heard them:

Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”

Churchill: “And you, Bessie, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."


Truman to Churchill on Churchill's replacement as PM, Clem...

A well-known American actor is walking through the centre of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Suddenly, a member of the public stops him, and says, "I recognise you from somewhere, are you famous?"

The actor answered, "As a matter of fact, I am. I played Commodus in the movie 'Gladiator.'"

Astonished, the Geordie replied "Are you Joaquin?"

To which Joaquin said "Yes, but...

As an actor, you either die,

Or live long enought to play Batman.

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

What's the difference between a president and and actor?

One leads the land, the other lands the lead.

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

Who’s the buff actor who keeps sneezing?

Ah it’s Vin Sniesel

Who is a deep fried rodent’s favourite actor?

Chris Pratt

If Will Smith doesn’t win for Best Actor

He really will have hit rock bottom.

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

Which actor could never play Quasimodo?

Humpfree Bogart

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

Which actor makes the most jokes?

J. K. Simmons


Because he's always JK

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

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What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat?

Butt weight, there's more!

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....

Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?

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What do you call a porn actor with bad aim?

Mr Completely

What did the theater actor get for Christmas?

Stage presents.

I told my actor friend to break a leg...

.....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.

Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump?

T hanks

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

I was trying to find the actor who played Rosanne’s husband on the show

But a Goodman is hard to find

A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?

He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

Owen Wilson is an ok actor...

I personally like his brother more, even though he doesn't have that "wow" factor.

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What did the shitty actor with a drug problem say?

"Line?"

Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.

She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.

Little Jewish boy Chaim an aspiring actor..

Little Chaim, an aspiring actor comes running home excitedly to his mother..

“Mom, I got a great role in the school play”

His mother beams and says, “That’s great son. What part are you playing?”

“I play the part of the Jewish father in a nice Jewish family”

His mother sm...

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

What do you call an actor who steals cheese?

Brie Larson

What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor?

Eye Patchino

What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade?

A huge rant

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What do I, after a week of game binging, have in common with a hardcore anal porn actress/actor ?

It's a pain in the ass afterwards, and I have to learn to walk again.

First the writers went on strike, now the actors …

who’s going to clear all the tables in Hollywood restaurants?

What's the only natural thing that can be an actor?

The rock!

Why are dalmatians such good actors?

They are always in the SPOT light!

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[OC] A notoriously bad stage actor died recently.

The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse.

Two cannibals are eating an actor

One turns to the other and says "Tastes pretty overdone to me"

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

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What does a Japanese Soldier and a Actor have in common?

When they get discovered, their career blows up.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security

Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards

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An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor.

crisp rat

TIL: The actor Herve Villechaize (Tattoo from Fantasy Island) gave almost his entire fortune to benefit others that also suffered from dwarfism.

After amassing several million dollars from his role on the famed TV show ('77-'84) and from his role as Nick Nack in The Man With the Golden Gun, Herve dedicated his life to charitable causes that would benefit other "little people". Understanding that they had special needs, he self-funded a hous...

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel?

Goose.

How do you call a castrated dog actor?

A cone artist.

That Kool-Aid Man is a terrible actor

Always breaking the fourth wall

My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art.

It's called, "Mime and Punishment".

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

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