What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?

632 Hallmark movies.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”

Because every play has a cast

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

Cardi B is a great actor

She acts like she can sing and people love her.

I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel?

Goose.

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What did the shitty actor with a drug problem say?

"Line?"

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

I was playing an updated version of Oregon Trail voiced by Terry Crews.

I made the comment that he wasn’t a good voice actor, and the game abruptly ended. Apparently, I died of dissin’ Terry.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

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What do you call a knight who's working as a porn actor?

Sir Camelot.

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

Actor: to be or not to be?

######Me: [aggressively shaking beehive]...
sounds like more than two

Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.

She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.

Why don't gymnasts make much money as actors?

They normally perform non-speaking rolls

How do you call the actor in the male leading role from the X-files if he commits a murder?

a Mulderer .

Why do other actors hate working with Charlie Sheen?

Because he is bad with lines!

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I always wanted to be a porn actor.

Then I realized that it is quite a hard business.

Who's your favorite James Bond actor?

They're all good but I like Roger Moore.

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art.

It's called, "Mime and Punishment".

What does an actor sing in the shower?

Soap opera

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A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

What do you call an actor thats a program?

What do you call a guy thats an actor and a program?
Matt Daemon Tools.

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

only one cause they don't like to share the spot light

Why would an actor want to break a leg?

Becuase the set always has a cast

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What does a Japanese Soldier and a Actor have in common?

When they get discovered, their career blows up.

My wife told me this one...

Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.

DiCaprio says “I’ll be the lead actor”

Clooney says “I guess I’ll be the director then”

McConaughey says “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write”

Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?

He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

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Two friends go to a performance called "Aladdin's lamp"

Two friends, named Peter and Carl go to a performance called "Aladdin's lamp".

During the first break they feast inside a bar, having some drinks in meantime. After it they return for the second act. Not long after it starts Peters stomach gets heavy and he needs to do number two.

"Tr...

What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor.

crisp rat

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What do you call a bunch of porn actors on coke?

The lineup.

After a week off work, a bouncer in Glasgow turns up at his usual pub to start his shift at the door.

As he walks in, the barman says "We could've used your help in here last night. We had that Spanish actor in here, you know the fella from James Bond and that other film by the Coen Brothers. Causing all sorts of bother, fighting and everything all night long."

The doorman asks "Aye? Javier B...

Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform?

in the audit-orium

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

The Kool-Aid man use to be a broadway actor

He had to turn to commercials after learning he had the inability to stop himself from breaking the fourth wall.

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk...

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Why was the porn actor fired?

He came too late at work.

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What do you call a porn actor with bad aim?

Mr Completely

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They hold on the bulb, and the world revolves around them.

The lead actor in a play has become very ill.

This is a case of lead poisoning.

Can anybody tell me what actor is playing Forrest Gump?

T.Hanks

Why was Minecraft the movie cancelled?

Because all of the actors wore blockface.

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

You know which actor is best known for his headshot?

John Wilkes Booth

Teacher : Who's your favourite Actor?

Me: Arnold Schwarzenegger
Teacher: Spell it?!
Me: only joking its Jet Li

What's the only natural thing that can be an actor?

The rock!

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

What’s the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles?

Can I have some more coffee?

“The Irishman” stars Italian actors and I think I know why...

...the Irish actors were too hungover to make it to set on time.

One day Brock Lee fell off stage during filming.

He bumped his head pretty hard, and fell into a coma.

After a while, the director and other actors urgently went to the hospital to check up on him. The doctor who was overseeing Brock came out and said

"We hope he gets better soon, but as of now, he is in a vegetative state."

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

Dan is an aspiring actor who has recently been feelimg down.

He's done audition after countless audition, but has never managed to get a role. One day, as he's looking for another job, about to give up, he gets a call from his manager.

"Hello," Dan says.

"Hey," said Dan's agent, "I just managed to get you cast in a play. It's really last minute,...

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

Have you heard about the troupe of actors who supported themselves by making and selling camel milk cheese?

The called themselves the Drama Dairy.

Two weevils grew up in South Carolina

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

I was once told I looked like an actor enough to be his stunt double.

The actor was Danny DeVito.

What do you get when you cross the world’s best actor with the Lorax

Keanu Leaves

What do you call an actor who hauls seafood?

Carrie Fisher.

A struggling actor gets a call from his agent.

Agent: Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Actor: Give me the good news first.

Agent: I've found you a role in a production of *Hamlet*.

Actor: Well that's awesome! I've made it! How could there possibly be bad news?

Agent: You're the skull.

What do you call an occurence where an old actor forgets his lines?

Onset Dementia

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

Which actor could have majored as an English professor?

Kelsey Grammer

Two actors are practicing their lines for a show.

The first guy says: "How could you do this to me? I hate you!" The second says: "You're making me so angry I swear I'm going to PUNCH you!" The first says "That line sounds cheesy. It makes it seem like a children's show. Let's talk to the writers about it." So they go the the writers and explain th...

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NSFW Porn actors/actresses aren’t just good at sex.

They’re fucking professionals!

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Why do you say "break a leg" to an actor ?

Cause without a good cast they are fucked

Is there a more Dutch sounding actor than Tom Holland?

Yes, there's Tom Hollander.

What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

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A woman married four times: to a tycoon, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker.

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

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Why did the male incest porn actor get emotional and start crying on set?

Because he saw so much of himself in his daughter.

Landlord: That Spanish actor out of Skyfall was kicking off in my pub the other night.

Customer: Javier Bardem?

Landlord: No, but he IS on his final warning.

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

Moishe the actor

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that
he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor Needed To Play
An Ape." "I could do that," says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New Yor...

I was once an actor in an action movie.

Me: "Stay back, or I'll kick you!"

Director: "Cut! You messed up, try it again. Aaaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll smack you!"

Director: "Cuuut! Come on, get it correct this time! Aaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll pinch you!"

Director: "CUT! That's it, ...

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

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