UPJOKE
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What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

What does the actor who plays Bucky Barnes have in commom with his overzealous supporters?

They're all Sebastian stans.

Die Hard franchise is looking for a new lead actor now that Bruce Willis is retiring.

Apparently Jada Pinkett Smith is their preferred choice.

Who’s the buff actor who keeps sneezing?

Ah it’s Vin Sniesel

What has 12 writers, 20 actors, and 3 plots?

The Hallmark Channel

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg" Because every Movie has a cast

Found this on the internet. Found it funny

If Will Smith doesn’t win for Best Actor

He really will have hit rock bottom.

I'm not an actor

but I play one on TV.

Wait, what?

An Austrian archaeological team has recovered the bodies of several perfectly preserved neolithic hunters from within a mountain glacier. When asked for comment, American actor, Haley Joel Osment said:

Icy dead people.

What's the difference between an actor from California and a senator from Texas?

One will punch a man for talking badly about his wife, the other will help that man become president.

There is a Hollywood actor who only sleeps in a sterling silver cell.

It’s Nickeless Cage.

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There was going to be a great TV show about the Air Force, but one of the actors was accused of sexual misconduct…

so they cancelled the pilot.

What's the difference between a president and and actor?

One leads the land, the other lands the lead.

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A President, an Actor and a Soldier try to go in to a bar

But his balls were too big to fit through the double doors.

Three action movie actors decided to do a movie about classical composers...

Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Beethovan"

Sylvester Stallone replied, "I'll be Mozart"

Arnold Schwarzenegger chimed in, "I'll be Bach"

Please, no jokes about the passing of singer and 'Rocky Horror' actor Meat Loaf.

For a great many people that's a rather tender subject.

Why don't directors hire actors with bad aim?

They can't shoot the scenes.

My wife’s an aspiring actor, and things most be going really well!

On her last flight to LA (she’s a flight attendant) she told me she did multiple pilots!

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A good way to start a speech at a pornography actors Christmas party…

“You know guys, we’ve been through so much this year, that we really ARE family!”

What do you call an actor who finished paying-off his house loan?

Mortgage Freeman

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Three burglars who used to work as voice actors break into a house

They get down to the basement with their big gunnysacks in hopes of looting valuables when they hear someone walking down the stairs. One of them says "Quickly! Hide in the bags." They hide in their own bags and the owner comes down to see three suspicious looking bags that he had never seen before ...

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

A well-known American actor is walking through the centre of Newcastle upon Tyne.

Suddenly, a member of the public stops him, and says, "I recognise you from somewhere, are you famous?"

The actor answered, "As a matter of fact, I am. I played Commodus in the movie 'Gladiator.'"

Astonished, the Geordie replied "Are you Joaquin?"

To which Joaquin said "Yes, but...

As an actor, you either die,

Or live long enought to play Batman.

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Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

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Based on a real incident [Long}

"Who wants to be an engineer?" asked the teacher in a classroom.

Some students raise their hands except one boy.

"Who wants to be a doctor?" asked the teacher again.

Again some students raise their hands except for that one boy.

"Who wants to be a teacher?" asked the teac...

You know what I say to all aspiring actors?

Double Cheeseburger with Fries please.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

What did the theater actor get for Christmas?

Stage presents.

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

...and preparing for the role in this movie I had to gain 50 pounds.

- But aren't you a voice-over actor?
- Little details...

Which actor could never play Quasimodo?

Humpfree Bogart

A shout out to Jussie Smollette

On hiring black actors for what has been a traditionally white role.

Which actor makes the most jokes?

J. K. Simmons


Because he's always JK

Who are the two most impunctual actors in Hollywood?

Jenny S’late and Christian S’later

When you’re too ugly to be an actor and too lazy to learn an instrument...

...you become a comedian.

Did you hear about the cocaine addicted improv actor?

He was constantly thinking about his next line

Little Jewish boy Chaim an aspiring actor..

Little Chaim, an aspiring actor comes running home excitedly to his mother..

“Mom, I got a great role in the school play”

His mother beams and says, “That’s great son. What part are you playing?”

“I play the part of the Jewish father in a nice Jewish family”

His mother sm...

Making fun of that British actor Cumberbatch's name is legally required to carry on.

There's Ben an Edict.

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

Who is a deep fried rodent’s favourite actor?

Chris Pratt

A young Taiwanese boy asks his father a question:

(some things don't translate super well, I'll try my best)

He asks: "Dad, I heard some strange words at school today, and I don't know what they mean."

His dad responds, "Hmm... Tell me what they are. I'll try to explain them as best I can."

The boy asks the following: "What's '...

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

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A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

Hot actors are like hot ovens

It usually makes the news whenever someone puts a baby inside them.

Why are chickens the cheapest voice actors?

They only charge a buck, a buck a buckaw.

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

Steven Yeun makes Oscars history as first Asian American to be nominated for best actor.

Which is honestly disheartening because there are so many Asian American actors in the past who had performances that deserved best actor.

Like Mickey Rooney in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.

He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."

Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"

Stalin replie...

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What did the infomercial actor say after realizing he was getting fat?

Butt weight, there's more!

I was trying to find the actor who played Rosanne’s husband on the show

But a Goodman is hard to find

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

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An old, washed up actor was excited to get a bit part in a play.

It was a period piece, and he was playing a guard on duty, cannons would fire and he would say, "Hark! I hear the cannons roar!". On opening night he was late to get to the theater and was in a rush. As he got back stage the doorman stopped him and he said, "I'm hark, I hear the cannons roar!". "Hur...

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk...

I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.

I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

I told my actor friend to break a leg...

.....but, I'm not worried, he'll have a supporting cast.

Trump quits US actors' union

Makes sense, why stay with a union after quitting your career in showbusiness?

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

A bunch of actors were getting ready to be in a movie about famous singers and they were deciding who’s gonna be who

RDJ said “I’ll be Beethoven” and Hugh Jackman said “I’ll be Freddie Mercury” and then everyone turned to Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be Bach”

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

You need a lot of luck to become a stage actor.

You can't fake a Hamlet without breaking some legs

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best actor/rapper of all time.

She said that’s Ludacris

What do you call it when an famous English actor goes on a big, long tirade?

A huge rant

What do you call an actor who steals cheese?

Brie Larson

What’s the name of that one eyed pirate movies actor?

Eye Patchino

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What do I, after a week of game binging, have in common with a hardcore anal porn actress/actor ?

It's a pain in the ass afterwards, and I have to learn to walk again.

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An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

How do you call the actor in the male leading role from the X-files if he commits a murder?

a Mulderer .

Headline: Cumberbatch lumber hatch rumble match and humble thatch.

Press Release:

An academy award nominated actor kicked in his neighbor's woodshed door and started a fist fight. Afterward, the actor apologized and assisted in repairs of the shed's damaged grass roof.

Hollywood is such a fake industry

Just a bunch of paid actors

A bartender told me that the actor from No Country For Old Men started a fight in his pub

I asked, "Javier Bardem"?

He said "No, but I gave him a warning"

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What did the shitty actor with a drug problem say?

"Line?"

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

The Actor that plays Pennywise has a security detail comprised entirely of disfigured war vets who maim mall security

Skaarsgards scarred guards scars guards

Just read that actor Maria Mercedes broke off her engagement to William Shatner.

She realized she'd be known as Maria Shatner Mercedes.

Does anyone know the actor that played forest gump?

T hanks

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One British nurse said to the other...

"You'll never guess who picked up the urine samples today. Gary Oldman, the actor!"

"Really?? Was he dressed like his character from Harry Potter?"

"No, he wasn't Sirius. He was just taking the piss."

Stage Fright

A young actor, new on the scene and nervous about it, is trying to make his first big role count.

In his first onstage appearance, his character has a fairly simple scene to pull off: he walks onstage holding a rose between his fingers. He waves it past his nose with a big whiff, then declar...

In the 90s, it had become pretty hip to include just one or two minorities in a Hollywood movie.

One studio always put just one Black guy in each of their movies as a diversity hire. You know, the clerk at a convenience store, some guy in the background, one of the protagonist's lesser of many friends. Someone who wouldn't get a lot of screen time, would probably die first.

During a 1994...

Fun fact: The actor Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool fan and never wore aftershave.

That's right, Yul never wore cologne.

What's the only natural thing that can be an actor?

The rock!

How do you call a castrated dog actor?

A cone artist.

Samson was probably the best actor anywhere in the Bible.

His last performance really brought down the house.

What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor.

crisp rat

I heard that Kelly McGillis won’t be returning for Top Gun 2. Guess which other Top Gun actor won’t have a cameo in the sequel?

Goose.

How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. They hold on the bulb, and the world revolves around them.

I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art.

It's called, "Mime and Punishment".

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