Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play needs a cast

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

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What do you call a porn actor with bad aim?

Mr. Completely

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

Robert Patrick, an actor best known for playing the T-1000, has left behind the Hollywood life to pursue his dream of owning a pest control business.

He is quoted as saying “I can’t wait to start my new life as an exterminator.”

Have you heard about the troupe of actors who supported themselves by making and selling camel milk cheese?

The called themselves the Drama Dairy.

What do you get when you cross the world’s best actor with the Lorax

Keanu Leaves

The Faltering Actor

There was once an actor who did Shakespearean plays, but had aged and long past his peak! After many years, he finds himself in the Halifax Theater in Canada, where they are prepared to give him a chance.

The director says, “This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk...

Two boll weevils grew up on a farm in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and, amazingly, became a famous actor...

The other stayed behind and never amounted to much.

I guess you could say he was the lesser of two weevils.

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What did the exasperated porn director say when his actors finally showed up on set?

It's about fucking time!

I was once told I looked like an actor enough to be his stunt double.

The actor was Danny DeVito.

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw the lightbulb in, and one to say “it should be me up there.”

I was once an actor in an action movie.

Me: "Stay back, or I'll kick you!"

Director: "Cut! You messed up, try it again. Aaaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll smack you!"

Director: "Cuuut! Come on, get it correct this time! Aaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll pinch you!"

Director: "CUT! That's it, ...

What's the only natural thing that can be an actor?

The rock!

Two actors are practicing their lines for a show.

The first guy says: "How could you do this to me? I hate you!" The second says: "You're making me so angry I swear I'm going to PUNCH you!" The first says "That line sounds cheesy. It makes it seem like a children's show. Let's talk to the writers about it." So they go the the writers and explain th...

My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

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NSFW Porn actors/actresses aren’t just good at sex.

They’re fucking professionals!

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An actor, a businessman and a redneck

An actor, a businessman and a redneck are sitting in a bar on Christmas eve. The actor says, "I got my wife the perfect gift. A dress and a diamond necklace. That way if she doesn't like dress she has a diamond necklace."

The business man says, "I got my wife a new sweater and a ring. That wa...

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

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Why was the porn actor fired?

He came too late at work.

Which actor could have majored as an English professor?

Kelsey Grammer

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Why did the male incest porn actor get emotional and start crying on set?

Because he saw so much of himself in his daughter.

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Why do you say "break a leg" to an actor ?

Cause without a good cast they are fucked

A struggling actor gets a call from his agent.

Agent: Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Actor: Give me the good news first.

Agent: I've found you a role in a production of *Hamlet*.

Actor: Well that's awesome! I've made it! How could there possibly be bad news?

Agent: You're the skull.

The Joker kidnapped some Scandanavian actors. He called the Gotham Police Department and said,

"Ya wanna know where I got these Skarsgårds?"

Why do the actors hate performing at the haunted theater?

Boo!

What do you call an occurence where an old actor forgets his lines?

Onset Dementia

You know which actor is best known for his headshot?

John Wilkes Booth

What do you call an actor who hauls seafood?

Carrie Fisher.

Jussie Smollett paid two black actors to beat him up,

when Liam Neeson would have done it for nothing.

My actor friend got fired from his lead role in a play because of his cocaine addiction.

He kept blowing his lines.

Landlord: That Spanish actor out of Skyfall was kicking off in my pub the other night.

Customer: Javier Bardem?

Landlord: No, but he IS on his final warning.

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A woman married four times: to a tycoon, an actor, a preacher, and an undertaker.

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

Actresses and actors who lose an Oscar all get the opportunity to act together.

Happy for the person who won.

Is there a more Dutch sounding actor than Tom Holland?

Yes, there's Tom Hollander.

Dan is an aspiring actor who has recently been feelimg down.

He's done audition after countless audition, but has never managed to get a role. One day, as he's looking for another job, about to give up, he gets a call from his manager.

"Hello," Dan says.

"Hey," said Dan's agent, "I just managed to get you cast in a play. It's really last minute,...

Some famous actors decide to make a movie about classical musicians

They immediately begin to claim roles.

Robert Downey, Jr. says “I’ll be Mozart.”

Nicolas Cage says “I’ll be Beethoven.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger says “I’ll be Bach!”

Does anybody know which actor played Forrest Gump?

Thanks

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Wait, what was my line again??

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?

Rigor Mortissen

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

Did you hear about the actor who only won an award because of the Italian mafia?

It turns out they really know how to rig a Tony.

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An actor was playing the role of Macbeth

And he was delivering his soliloquy so poorly that the audience began to boo him loudly. Halfway through, the actor stopped and yelled "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

Who is CRISPR's favorite actor?

Gene Hackman

I've been holding auditions for actors to play a new Fantastic Four team this afternoon...

... it's so stressful.

It's just been one Thing after another.

I realize there are some mediocre actors out there

Didn't realize Jussie Smollett had to be jailed for bad acting.

Did you hear where they're looking for the new James Bond actor?

In Daniel Craigslist

Which toad is a great actor?

Russell Croak

Did you Chewbacca became a film director? The actors keep complaining he hasn’t gotten one scene right yet...

Wookie Miss Takes

There are actors called Tom Holland and Tom Hollander

I can only deduce from this that there are also actors called Tom Holland With A Vengeance, Live Free or Tom Holland & A Good Day To Tom Holland.

What do an actor and a person with Alzheimer’s have in common?

They both act like it’s the first time they’ve had this conversation.

Silent Actor

**Young Actor:** "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

**Father:** "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

Actor Hugh Laurie was so fond of the works of Samuel Beckett that he once devoured an entire anthology of his poetry.

Hugh felt that he deserved to be a poet Laurie ate.

What do you call an actor preparing for a role as a drug addict?

A meth-head actor

Moishe the actor

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out, he's ready to take any acting gig that
he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says, "Actor Needed To Play
An Ape." "I could do that," says Moishe.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the Central Park Zoo in New Yor...

What's the difference between an actor and useless glue?

One is Brad Pitt

The other is bad Pritt

I can't even picture my favorite actor going to jail now.

But if he does, he'll have to change his name to Morgan Man.

Sadly, the voice actor of Tony the Tiger has passed away

His last words: "I don't feel GRRRREAT!"

What do actors do when they make a mistake?

They react.

Where do James Bond Actors go when they die?

00Heaven

A washed up actor hasn't gotten a job in years...

... He has lost his ability to remember lines. But after looking for work for a very long time, finally he gets the lead role in a Broadway musical.

When he arrives at the theater the director tells him, "You have the most important part, but you only have one line. You walk onto stage with a...

Why did the actor in the prescription drug commercial cross the road?

To get to the other side effects.

Two cannibals are eating an actor

One turns to the other and says "Tastes pretty overdone to me"

Owen Wilson is an ok actor...

I personally like his brother more, even though he doesn't have that "wow" factor.

What do you call a play with soft drink actors?

What do you call a play with soft drink actors?
A fantamime

What do you call an actor that spent all his money on condoms?

Johnny Debt.

Sir Roger Moore, prominent James bond actor has passed away

His family say that they are shaken.... but not stirred

That World Series game was so long...

When it started Kevin Spacey was still a respected actor.

What did The Rock go by after he became a washed up actor?

The Sediment

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[OC] A notoriously bad stage actor died recently.

The vehicle carrying his casket broke down on the way to the funeral, allowing his critics, for one last time, to state that he needed to rehearse.

Kevin Spacey is no longer going to be an actor. He's going to teach guitar.

Be cause he's good at fingering A Minor.

The Chancellor of Germany, Prince Harry's wife, and the actor who played Gollum should set up an emporium of pubic wigs in Sarkel, Russia

...and call it "Merkel, Markle and Serkis' Sarkel Merkin Circus"

If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....

Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?

What do you call a blonde actor with a long neck?

Charlize Heron

What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house?

Mortgage freeman.

Some actors were planning to make a movie on famous composers

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks were all making a movie about famous composers. Leo said, "I'd like to play Beethoven." Tom said, "I'd like to play Mozart." Arnie said "I'll be Bach"

As an aspiring actor, I was somewhat surprised when I got detained by airport security today...

All I said was that I was in town to shoot a pilot...

An actor had been struggling to find work . . .

He would get repeatedly rejected from every audition. One day he tried out for a role as a vampire. The casting director told him he had never seen anyone suck so bad.

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The most difficult actors to work with are children and animals

Especially in pornography

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I kind of feel bad for all of these big name actors and Hollywood people being outcast because of their deviant sexual behavior

Oh well, at least they can still be president.

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