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Close To Jokes

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died

Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town...

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager: 'Go upto the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the differ...

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

What's close to stupidity?

Canada and Mexico

How does a blind skydiver know when he's getting close to the ground?

The leash goes slack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the vagina located so close to the anus?

Because it was designed by city council. Who else would put a play area so close to a dumping ground?

An old Arab lived close to New York City...

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant pota...

Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard.

This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.

Two cars crashed close to a bar at noon...

One driver died instantly. The other was thrown out of the windscreen, hit the ground, and broke several bones. He screams and shouts for help.

A man that was drinking at the bar leaves and sees the scene. He goes close to the screaming man and asks:

\- No one has arrived yet?

\...

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

Someone close to me died recently...

Shouldn't have snuck up on me like that.

A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.

He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.

"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but the...

I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.

I don't know why, but they seem shady.

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My doctor told me that his research on intestinal flora could be close to curing depression, but that they were missing samples.

And I gotta tell you; for the first time in my life, I actually gave a shit.

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A warning to all the drivers now, close to New Year's Eve...

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I d...

From my 8-year-old: What does Santa say if you get too close to him with a cold?

You’re on the snotty list!

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I was so damn close to having sex last night

Just needed one more person

Since it's so close to Thanksgiving, remember this

Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!

Happy Thanksgiving from your friendly, neighborhood Native American!

came pretty close to actually catching a handful of fog this morning

mist

What is the country close to USA?

USB.

alright you guys have posted some pretty bad jokes on here but not one comes close to this doozy

brace yourselves

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair ...

Scientists believe they're very close to curing Agoraphobia.

Unfortunately for the agoraphobics, its just around the corner.

I wasn't close to my mother-in-law when she died.

It's been five years, and the police still can't prove otherwise.

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I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it....

.... cause it's the only fucking thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

What does a plant do when someone close to his friend dies?

He photo-sympathizes.

Quarantine is lonely. I tried getting close to my Ubereats guy.

But he just kept yelling "6 feet! 6 FEET!"

It was close to curfew in Soviet Russia, two policemen see a man running

One of the the policemen shoots the running man dead.

"Why did you do that? It isn't past curfew yet!" the other policeman asks

The other replies:

"I know where he lives, he wasn't gonna make it"

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I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

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NSFW I came close to death today!

Yeah..............I was masturbating in the cemetary again.

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My neighbor told me he’s close to figuring out who’s been stealing his clothes

I almost crapped his pants when he said that

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son...

I'm so close to being a broker.

I'm broke.

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The dick and balls might be close to each other,

But there is a vas deferens between them.

It was close to our anniversary and my wife was leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house. So I took the hint and did what any astute husband would do.

I got her a magazine rack.

What does a pirate say when he gets close to shore and sees a kardashian?

Land Ho!

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

\-There is really no women here?

\-None.

\-So... How do you guys do when you need to have sex?

\-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore and go home, where he can see the river and therefore, the donkey. A...

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May be too close to home for some people

This little kid runs up to his mother.
He says: "Mommy! mommy! Why am I black, and you're white?"
And the mom says: "Look the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't fucking bark."

I got so close to having a threesome.

I only needed 2 other people.

How do you take something public and make it into something close to private?

Remove the L

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What kind of growth comes from standing close to a very attractive member of the opposite sex?

Organic growth

Two fisherman sit in a small boat close to the shore

Suddenly one of them pulls a mermaid out of the water, shakes his head, unhooks her and throws her back into the water.

The other one is dumbfounded and asks: "Why?"

To which he answers: "How?"

Why did the Fox News Christmas tree catch fire?

They left it too close to the gaslight.

A man is in a pub, talking enthusiastically and at length about his hobby, skydiving.

He turns to a woman sitting close to him and asks, "Have you ever tried skydiving?"

"Only once," she replies. "Never again."

The man then realises that she's blind. "Oh, I'm sorry," he says, somewhat ill at ease, "does it have to do with your, uhm, condition?"

"Yes," she states,...

Hits a bit too close to home

My favorite type of humor is self deprecating. That way nobody I care about gets hurt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American beer is like having sex in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.

Heard this on a Monty Python doc. Had to pause the doc because I was laughing so hard.

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

Jesus, Chuck Norris and the Pope are sitting in a boat in the middle of a lake.

They decide to get to the shore, so Jesus leaves the boat first and walks over the water to the shore.

Chuck Norris leaves second and also walks over the water to the shore.

The Pope, being baffled, also tries to take a step out of the boat but immediately falls in, so he has to swim t...

I was so close to becoming a gynecologist

I could almost taste it.

What do you call a French conqueror who stands too close to a bomb?

Napoleon Blown-apart

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close to Dave's joke with a Pope

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a professional driver with a nice Bmw M5. Usually it's a limousine but lately pope enjoys more like sports cars. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, ''You know brother, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you mind?'' 
T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you put your ear really close to someone's knee you can actually hear...

...them say: "What the fuck are you doing?!"

There was a young French artillery officer, who had notions of grandeur, that is, until the day he stood too close to a firing cannon

He thought he was Napoleon, but he was actually blown-a-part.

It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die close to Christmas. At the pearly gates, St. Peter greets them.

St. Peter looks at the three of them, and tells them that if they want to get into heaven, they have to present him with something related to Christmas.

The first man goes up, and confidently produces some holly from his pocket. St. Peter looks at it, and lets him in.

The second guy ...

A lot of our dates are getting Covid-19 from being too close to people

They’re always told that 5’10” is actually 6 foot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women close to Elon have said his semen taste kind of like BBQ.

They describe it as a “salty musk skeet”.

I went to Thailand and came so close to sleeping with a lady boy.

She looked like a girl talked like a girl even walked like a girl.
It wasn't until she reversed the car perfectly into the car space I thought "hang on a second".

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

Why can't women get close to the curb when they parallel park?

Because they're constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

No matter what State you live in, Louisiana is always close to it.

I guess you could say it's always close Bayou.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If the human race were close to extinction and there was only one woman left.

She's fucked.

I’m not surprised that Jeff Bezos started seeing a woman who was close to his wife.

Classic Amazon: “if you like this, here is something similar that you might like”

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"

How to blind parachutist know they're close to the ground?

The feel the leash go slack!

(heard this one while listening to some irish tunes)

A tourist came too close to the edge of the Grand Canyon

A tourist came too close to the edge of the Grand Canyon, lost his footing and
plunged over the side, clawing and scratching to save himself. After he went out of sight and just before he fell into space, he encountered a scrubby bush which he desperately grabbed with both hands. Filled with terr...

What is nice if you are close to it but gets irritating when far away?

Someone holding the door for you

When your friend Matt, who you know doesn't like piers, gets too close to one.

Onomatopoeia

(For best experience, say in an English accent)

Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?

I haven't. I think I'm seeing stars.

I ordered a pizza from a new store close to me and it was covered in oil.

Expected Italy; got grease.

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