UPJOKE
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I know every single digit of pi!

Just not in the right order

What's your favourite Chuck Norris joke?

Let's start with one of my favs:
"Chuck Norris’ password is the last 9 digits of pi."

finally memorized the digits og Pi up to 10 digits.

0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

But sadly i dont know the order.

Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented?

They spent too long processing the negatives.

My church decided to modernize and replace the collection plate with a digital platform

Called Papal.

I was at the doctor, getting the digital rectal exam, and the doctor says:

"At this point of the exam it is normal to get an erection"

I said"I don't have an erection"

The doctor says "No. But I do"

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

Why does Quentin Tarantino refuse to make movies with digital cinematography?

Because he's the reel deal.

What's the difference between a digital camera and a sock?

The camera takes photos and the the sock takes five toes.

I saw a snake in the yard today...

It was a real beast measuring 3.14 meters long! I thought to myself that it must be a Pi-thon...

...but then I remembered, snakes don't have digits!

Have you heard of Y2K jelly?

It allows you to insert four digits into your date where you could previously only fit two.

The digit seven

A humorous answer to why handwritten digit 7 is commonly written stricken (I've recently read this joke in Russian and made a translation).

When Moses gathered the people at the Mount Sinai, started reading out the 10 commandments and reached the No. 7 (which reads "Thou shalt not commit ...

I started memorizing the digits of pi

Then I realized it was irrational.

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

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Who is the biggest digital hoe?

Mrs. Pac-Man because for ¢25, she’ll swallow balls until she dies.

The first digital clock

A man is setting up the first ever digital clock, and as soon as he plugs it in, he excitedly calls to his wife, “Honey, come look at this! This technology is truly ahead of its time”

“I could’ve sworn it was only 5:30, but it says its already 12:00!”

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?...

Look grandpa, no hands!!

Thanksgiving An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman.

Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving morning. The old man is sleeping in and the old lady is in the initial steps of preparing the turkey. While she has a handful of turkey innards, she gets an idea:

...

Want to see all the decimal digits of Pi?

They are {0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9}, and there are no others!

My proctologist is so high tech...

He said my exam would be digital.

I can make digital art and canvas art easily.

But when it comes to paper, that's where I draw the line.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

Digital Milk

What do you call a computer mouse for a cow?...

a Moose!

Spent some cryptocurrency to take digital possession of an image of Gandalf killing the Balrog of Morgoth...

My first non-fungible Tolkien.

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!!

Non Fungible Tolkien’s

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Cheerios

Two boys are playing in their room when their mothers calls them for breakfast. The younger brother jumps up excited for breakfast when his older brother stops him, "How old are you?"

"I'm nine."

"Right, and I'm twelve. You're almost double digits and I'm almost a teenager, it is time ...

How do you set your digital location to Skyrim?

You use NordVPN

My doctor asked if I wanted a digital prostate exam..

He didn't mention there were no electronics involved but now I get his point

Music

I have been downloading HD digital music but some people don't really like the format so I've been getting a lot of FLAC lately.

Asked an attractive person "can I get them digits?

To my surprise they said yes, but ran away when I tried cutting off their fingers and toes

how do you get nerdy girls off?

Digitally

There's nothing in the Guinness Book about digital DJs.

They don't hold any records.

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

If your digital multimeter gives a bogus reading, try it again.

It's probably a Fluke.

Superman lost all of his money on a digital currency scheme

It was his cryptonite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

Pandemic dating is weird. Last night I asked a girl at the grocery store for her digits ...

And she wrote down her temperature.

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

In 1999, in the midst of the Y2K panic, the KY Jelly company announced it was now Y2K compliant:

Known as 'Y2KY Jelly, it now allowed you to put all four digits in your date

My dad always brags that his was the first profession to go completely digital.

He’s a proctologist.

What was the first form of digital storage?

gloves

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

If the combination of binary digits were called a bit

Then would the combination of ternary digits be called a tit?

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

Who led the digitization of your company?

1. CEO
2. CTO
3. COVID-19

132 is my favorite number

the sum of all 2-digit numbers one can make from 132 results in 132. 132 is the smallest number with that property.

that's cool.

But it's my favorite because the response I give to many people is 132 in binary and I communicate binary using my fingers.

I was getting a prostate examination when the doctor said "just so you know, this is a digital rectal exam".

"I understand. I know what is involved", I reply.

The doctor elaborates, "Just so you know, this exam will likely cause an erection".

I consider it for a moment and say, "That's fine, I've got it under control. It should be ok".

The doctor replies, "I wasn't talking about you."

I know the first 1,000,000 digits of pi..

its their order that I’m still foggy on

I put scaffolding on my Hi-fi and steel girders on my digital radio.

Then my mom told me to stop reinforcing stereo types.

This new digital currency is bitc*in!

Sorry. Bitcoin. It’s called bitcoin

Since all Digital Assistants use a female voice, there should be an option for an older experience male voice.

I was thinking that since all Digital Assistants use a female voice, there should be an option for an older experience male voice to explain things in a simplified patronizing way. Much like having Peter Mansbridge patiently explaining "manspreading" to women.
Only instead of "Hey Siri!" You woul...

Think of a number between 1 and 9. Multiply it by 2, and then subtract the sum of the digits from it. Now close your eyes.

Dark, wasn’t it?

I got one of those digital assistant things for Christmas, but I think it's defective

It refuses to open the pod bay doors.

It's hard to be a Buddhist in todays digital world, especially when it comes to emails.

No attachments.

What did the male digital signal ask a female digital signal?

Do you do ANALog?

My brother has been working on a belt with a built in digital clock.

Talk about a waist of time.

How was the first digital sound created?

Someone snapped their fingers.

A man sits next to a blonde on an airplane...

He says to the blonde, knowing he could outsmart her, “If I give you a question you cannot answer, you must pay me $10.”

“But if you give me a question I cannot answer, I will pay you $100.”

She agrees, and the man asks his question.

“What is the ninth digit of pi?”

She ...

Why does the US military use digital camo?

They turned down the graphics for better performance

In other news

Inspired by Colin Mochrie's 6:00 News on Who's Line, I tried to come up with my own.

We now return you to your 6:00 news. I'm your host, Armand Dangerous. Earlier today, a man who lost a digit to his foot after a grievous skiing accident underwent a groundbreaking surgery where he requested t...

Why did Slovakia move to digital banking?

because they ran out of Czechs

I discriminate against people who lose digits on their feet to frostbite.

I guess you could say I am lactose intolerant.

I set my password to be the last 4 digits of pi.

Nobody's ever been able to crack it.

How come erotic games are always digital downloads?

I just want a physical release.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I measured my penis with one of those digital rulers...

...Anyone know how to convert LOL into inches?

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

Got arrested today and the cops said they needed to take my fingerprints and put them on file. But when we got to the station, the sergeant said they'd run out of fingerprint ink.

So they just asked for 6 digit passcode instead.

I think they're trying to PIN something on me.

What do you call an anti-aircraft gun that shoots high-quality digital audio files?

A .flac gun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, if you get a digital rectal exam, you might feel like you're going to poop or going to orgasm.

You won't know whether you're coming or going.

How do you catch a digital fish

Online

What do you call a digital tree?

All bark and no byte

Mr Peg, my Digital Photography teacher, just passed away.

Rest in peace Jay.

After the invention of digital watches, the Swiss were in quite a bind...

Faced with what seemed like an existential threat to their national watch manufacturers, the Swiss Government send out pamphlets to foreign and domestic watch owners, asking them to sign up if they were interested in buying mechanical watches as gifts or fashion statements. Unfortunately, no one sig...

A digital pirate lost his leg.

He now has a JPEG leg to replace it.

Girl can I get your digits?

Jack the Ripper was a quite a pickup artist.

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

I tried to make a clock with no battery for the digital clock competition

but it didn't count.

Have you seen my digital boat?

Oh wait, its syncing.

Figurative digits

When is a 2 literally a 6? When it has metaphor.

Where does a digital photographer hang his work?

On a jpeg.

A man goes to buy a clock.

He's browsing in the clock shop. Suddenly he hears a little voice "Get digital you probably can't read analogue."
Startled, he looks around. Nobody is there.

A few minutes later, he hears another little voice "Your shoes belong in a museum!"
He spins around. Noone there.

As he ...

How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?

Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.

(Credit to my cousin)

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