Dozen Jokes - 95 Hilarious Dozen Jokes

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

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What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?

Tell them to stay inside the car.

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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.

His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties."

Husband asks:"Which people?"

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

I ran the double slit experiment a dozen times with two of Schrodinger's cats.

Now my lab is full of interfering kittens..

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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A dozen Nazis walked into a bar, demanding shots

Luckily the bartender had an AK-47.

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

A dozen eggs

Jim's friend tells him:
"I have a joke for you: how many eggs can you eat in the morning, on an empty stomach?"

"I don't know", answers Jim, "I'd say a dozen".

"No, just one!" answers his friend. "After that, you're not on an empty stomach anymore!"

"Funny one!" answers the m...

[NSFW] A husband buys a dozen of VS panties of the same pattern and color to his wife

Wife : " oh god,now people will think that I never change my panties "

Husband " which people?"

[Original joke might be lost in translation]

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.

That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

Gaston from Beauty and the Beast says he eats 5 dozen eggs every day...

He must be a millionaire!

A man walks into an apiary and asks for a dozen bees.

The beekeeper nods and carefully counts out 13 bees. The man realizes this and points it out, "That’s one too many.”

*"No worries. It’s a freebie."*

Meet Alexei, the hero who has destroyed over a dozen Russian tanks!

Alexei is the worst mechanic in the Russian army

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique

no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses but I don’t think she likes them.

She said that’s gross.

What does a golf course have in common with half a dozen hookers?

18 holes.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts

LPT: How to pick up girls

Try this:

1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather ...

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Just this week I fucked a dozen chicks

Next week, I'll try girls.

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

A man walks into a bar and sees another man at the bar with a dog next to him.

He says to him, "Hey there, does your dog bite?" and the man says "No mate, my dog's the friendliest creature in the world, you can do anything with him."

So he goes to pat the dog and it absolutely goes for him and by the time three other men in the bar manage to get it off him he's bleeding...

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

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What's the difference between half a dozen dicks and the truth?

You can’t handle the truth.

I organized a dozen professional boxers to stand in a row and hit anyone that got near them

That was my best punchline ever

Life is like a dozen roses...

it's full of pricks!

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Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"

Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the mo...

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35 years and dozens of eggs

A woman on her deathbed calls her husband into her room and instructs him to look under the bed and open the wooden box that is there. In it, he sees 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash. Puzzled, he asks his wife what the eggs are for.

"Oh, those", she replies, "Every time we had bad sex, I put an egg ...

I must have posted two dozen jokes about COVID-19 by now

but none of them have gone viral :(

What do you get if you clone the vice president half a dozen times?

Sixpence

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A half dozen transexual magicians are touring the American South.

Six chicks with dicks play card tricks for a mix of hicks.

*A husband gives his wife a dozen roses

Wife: I guess I'll have to spread my legs now.

Husband: Why? We don't have a vase?

i walked into a pet store and asked for a dozen bees.

the cashier counted out 13 bees and gave them to me. i asked why 13 and he said this one is a freebie.

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My Grandfather took down dozens of Nazi planes in ww2.

Worst mechanic Germany ever had.

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So a man orders a dozen margaritas.

A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.

The bartender says, "Wow, what's the special occasion?"

The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."

The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How 'bout an extra margarita on the house?...

I told my husband two puns short of a dozen.

Not one of them made him laugh, no pun in ten did.

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My grandpa always told us the story about how he made a dozen German troops shit themselves in WWII.

He was probably the worst cook the Reich had.

My friend told me her husband surprised her with a dozen roses.

My friend told me her husband surprised her with a dozen roses.

She complained, “Now I’m going to have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

So I asked, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

My wife has fallen when walking down our driveway near to a dozen times at this point.

From the very beginning I told her it was a slippery slope.

I stopped by my one of my bee keeper friends' farm to buy a dozen bees.

When he counted out thirteen I said "that's too many". He said "that's a free bee".

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses wai...

A dozen guys are changing in the golf club's locker room

Suddenly, a cell phone starts ringing. One of the guys answers it.

'Hi!'

'Hi honey, it's me,' says a female voice. 'Are you still at the golf club?'

'Yeah.'

'Wonderful! I'm two streets away. I just saw this amazing Persian fur coat. It's truly marvelous. Can I buy it?'...

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

A husband brings home a dozen roses for his wife one day.

She sees them and says, "What did you do wrong?"

The husband says, "Nothing, I just wanted to get you a gift."

The wife responds, "Now you expect me to lie in bed all week with my legs apart!"

The husband replies, "What, you don't have a vase?"

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

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Did you hear about the group of people who stole a dozen boxes of Viagra?

Police are looking for hardened criminals.

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

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If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

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Me and my wife have been married for 35 years

and I've never let her look into the safe.

Last week, when I went to the market she looked in the safe.

When I got back she said:

Wife: Jethro I looked into the safe

Me: I told you not to look in the safe

Wife: There's $40,000 in cash in there & three eggs! Wha...

I got a job that lets me get dozens of women off every day.

I'm a bus driver.

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A man checks into a hospital with a dozen toy horses up his butt...

The doctors described his condition as stable.

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. “I was so excited,” she told us later, “that I bought two!”

If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now?

A math problem

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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the m...

Last night I dreamed I was in Paris. The year was 1789.

I was poor and hungry. My clothes were in tatters. I was all alone.

Far away I saw the palace, and when the guards weren’t watching, I slipped inside.

I smelled food. I followed the smell.

There I saw the Queen, feasting on a huge banquet, with a dozen ladies of the court.
...

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Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

Nudist colony

Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.

Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the la...

I'm Lightning McQueen. My buddy Mater told me if I like the Piston Cup, I could work here and get dozens a day. As it turns out...

That's not what he meant, and I hate working in a drug-screening lab.

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A guy was admitted to the emergency ward with half a dozen toy horses stuck up his ass.

His condition was listed as "stable".

In my day, I could walk into the grocery with a dime and walk out with a loaf of bread, half a gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and a pound of hamburger.

Nowadays they've got these newfangled cameras everywhere.

I used to eat a dozen doughnuts and hate myself. So I went on a diet, and I have made some real progress!

Now I hate myself after only one doughnut!

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After sex I always get out my phone and order my wife a dozen roses.

My girlfriend thinks I'm hilarious.

Did you know, when ants come into your house, if there are 2 less than a dozen, you have to let them stay.

They have rights as ten-ants.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

A joke I came up with that I told people in a dream this morning...

A ship belonging to a seafood company from Italy accidentally drops tons upon tons of live lobsters overboard off the coast of Maine. Upon hearing this news, a lobster-catcher from Maine down on his luck jumps on his boat to catch as many of the lobsters as he can and sell them before the Italian co...

I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses...

"I'm sorry sir, " said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them. "

"No problem, " I replied, "that's more than enough. "

What's better than a dozen roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

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To become a minstrel I had to buy dozens of chests, hoping to get a an instrument from one of them.

Fuck lute boxes.

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

My wife has been around the block a few dozen times, if you know what I mean.

She's a mail carrier.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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A construction foreman is interviewing three guys for a job.

He asks the first guy, "Can you take this hammer, throw it in the air, and catch it in your tool belt?"

The first guy says "I sure can!" and tosses the hammer 6 feet in the air. He catches it behind him right in his tool belt.

The foreman nods his head, and says to the second guy, "...

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen...

What are you doing when you Sentence almost a Dozen Surfers to death by the Gallows?

You're Hanging Ten, Dudes!

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Apples

A guy is driving down a winding country road when he see's a sign.

The Sign says "Apples $10/Each"

The guy thinks "Wow, that's expensive, let me see why they cost $10"

He drives into the stand and asks the Farmer "Why are your Apples $10?"

The Farmer says "Well, my Apple...

I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.

The woman on the phone answered:

"Oh, that's just a freebie"

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Kid with Chicken Wire

This kid is walking down the street with a spool of chicken wire. He passes an old black man sitting on his porch. The man looks at him and says "Where you goin' with that there chicken wire, boy."
The kid says "I'm going to get some chickens."
The old man says "You can't catch no chickens wit...

What do you call it when your computer gets infected with a keylogger, a rootkit and half a dozen backdoors?

A free upgrade

The news is talking about the prison sentences of nearly half a dozen turban-wearing men who committed some minor felonies

"One to Three for Five Sikhs"

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled to dozens of countries and learned to speak several languages?

He was a man of many cultures.

Due to inflation

The phrase "a dime a dozen" has gone up to "a dollar a dozen"

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limous...

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

– Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

I don't know why people say that quiting smoking is hard.

I've must have done it a few dozen times by now.

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