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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

A man walks into an apiary and asks for a dozen bees.

The beekeeper nods and carefully counts out 13 bees. The man realizes this and points it out, "That’s one too many.”

*"No worries. It’s a freebie."*

[NSFW] A husband buys a dozen of VS panties of the same pattern and color to his wife

Wife : " oh god,now people will think that I never change my panties "

Husband " which people?"

[Original joke might be lost in translation]

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

Ordered a dozen guitar picks on eBay.

Received 12 photos of some guy's guitar.

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broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my ass about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

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A dozen Nazis walked into a bar, demanding shots

Luckily the bartender had an AK-47.

How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?

Tell them to stay inside the car.

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If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

A Service

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

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The case of the missing condoms

A girl I was friends with in high school called me crying today. She had a question she needed to ask a guy friend. She said her boyfriend had just bought a box of a dozen condoms and now there are only six left, but they only had sex three times. When confronted her boyfriend said that sometimes...

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

A man was pulled over on the side of the road for speeding.

The officer said, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over"

"No idea sir" the man replied.

"Well I've got you clocked here doing 78 mph, I'll need to see your license and registration"

Handing over his papers the man replies "Officer I had no idea I saw a sign that said 78 I thoug...

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There is a parrot at the Vatican who speaks dozens of languages.

This brilliant parrot had been with the Vatican for years. One day, he discovered an old rotary telephone that was still functioning tucked away in a forgotten room within the facility. Lonely as the parrot was, and able to speak so many languages, he began to place call after call to every corner o...

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The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday...

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.


Doughboy is ...

What do you get if you clone the vice president half a dozen times?

Sixpence

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Spying on the Wife

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less th...

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it wo...

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"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

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To become a minstrel I had to buy dozens of chests, hoping to get a an instrument from one of them.

Fuck lute boxes.

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A husband tells his wife that he met a girl with 12 breasts.

Husband: I met a girl with 12 breast.

Wife : That sounds strange.

Husband: Dozentit.

2 Mexican gang members...

Carlos and Pepe; are lost in the desert after a drug deal gone wrong...

After days wandering aimlessly, Pepe finds a tree covered in pork. Bacon of all kinds and thicknesses, gammon, sausages and pulled pork hanging in place of leaves.

Not wanting to waste energy on what could potentia...

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So this Elf, Dwarf and a Thief go out on an adventure

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another par...

A dozen eggs

Jim's friend tells him:
"I have a joke for you: how many eggs can you eat in the morning, on an empty stomach?"

"I don't know", answers Jim, "I'd say a dozen".

"No, just one!" answers his friend. "After that, you're not on an empty stomach anymore!"

"Funny one!" answers the m...

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

i walked into a pet store and asked for a dozen bees.

the cashier counted out 13 bees and gave them to me. i asked why 13 and he said this one is a freebie.

Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber...

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. “I was so excited,” she told us later, “that I bought two!”

I got a job that lets me get dozens of women off every day.

I'm a bus driver.

I must have posted two dozen jokes about COVID-19 by now

but none of them have gone viral :(

I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.

The woman on the phone answered:

"Oh, that's just a freebie"

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A man goes to a college campus. . .

A man goes to a college campus for a tour because he thinks he wants to go the following year. As he's taking his tour, he sees a large crowd surrounding a fraternity house.

He moves through the crowd and is shocked when he sees dozens of people on the lawn on the house, giving each other blo...

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The song "Earth" by Lil Dicky features musical cameos from dozens of popular singers.

The song was released around Earth Day and promotes the idea that everyone should work together to be green and eco-friendly and save the planet.

Many famous singers had cameos in the song as different animals or other forms of wildlife. Perhaps the most notable cameo was the singer that sang...

I stopped by my one of my bee keeper friends' farm to buy a dozen bees.

When he counted out thirteen I said "that's too many". He said "that's a free bee".

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

Believe it or not, I’ve never seen 101 Dalmatians.

Only a dozen at most.

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

Did you know, when ants come into your house, if there are 2 less than a dozen, you have to let them stay.

They have rights as ten-ants.

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Just this week I fucked a dozen chicks

Next week, I'll try girls.

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbl...

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A cowboy walks into a bar.

He tips his hat to the bartender and sits at a booth in the corner.

A minute later, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk in and sit at a table.

Thirty seconds pass and a nun with a bullwhip leads an alligator on a leash to the cowboy’s booth.

Less than a minute goes by and a m...

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

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My Grandfather took down dozens of Nazi planes in ww2.

Worst mechanic Germany ever had.

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

A guy calls his wife as he's leaving work, and asks if she needs anything. She tells him, "Stop by the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk and if they have bananas pick up half a dozen."

When the guy gets home his wife flips out on him as he sets down six gallons of milk on the counter.

*What's all this milk about?!?!?* she yells.

His response --- "They had bananas."

Apparently I execute commands badly....

Wife sent me to the supermarket with a simple request:
#
Go to the supermarket and buy a loaf of bread
#
If they have eggs get a dozen.
#
Came home with 12 loafs of bread,
#
Still don’t get why she’s mad?

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A clean joke

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

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A half dozen transexual magicians are touring the American South.

Six chicks with dicks play card tricks for a mix of hicks.

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Job Applicants

A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position.

They interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same questio...

My friend told me her husband surprised her with a dozen roses.

My friend told me her husband surprised her with a dozen roses.


She complained, “Now I’m going to have to spend all weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”


So I asked, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

Before I got married I was in a store paying for groceries.

I had a quart of milk, a half dozen eggs and a TV dinner. The cashier looks at me with a smile and says “You MUST be single!”
I said “Why do you say that?”
And she said “Because your so fu$king ugly!”

Did you hear about the guy who made two short of a dozen puns in a stand-up routine, and not even one landed?

No pun-in-ten-did.

You’ve heard of a baker’s dozen (13) but how about a German’s ten?

Its Nein.

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

As a philosopher I believe in the infinite universes theory

So there’s a universe where I didn’t commit 3 dozen war crimes against the children of Djibouti

I googled the "Pittsburg Steelers" today and it took me to allrecipes.com...

How to make a half dozen turnovers.

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

A couple were living together after five years of being together

One day the girlfriend is in the kitchen and on top of the fridge she finds $10000 and four eggs. She is baffled by what the money and eggs would be doing there, so she goes and asks her boyfriend about it. “Hey baby, why is there $10000 and four eggs on the fridge?” Her finding it jolted him. “Oh. ...

I made a dozen girls instantly wet yesterday because of my physique

no one can beat me at doing a cannonball in the pool.

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Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12?

In case one dozen come out right.

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Back in my day you could buy 3 gallons of milk, 2 loafs of bread and 6 dozen eggs all for a single dollar.

Nowadays there's too many fucking security cameras.

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

I had a dream where I was attacked by 6 naked women.

Sounds strange dozen tit?

I hate that parents keep asking me to watch After My Kids

I've looked it up a dozen times, and there is no such movie/show with that name.

What do you get when you cross an idiom with a Freudian slip?

Six of one, and a half dozen of your mother

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

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A man was going ice fishing.

He goes out onto the ice, cuts open a hold, and lowers his bait into the hole. 45 minutes pass, and the man has not gotten a nibble. A younger man walks out onto the ice, drills a hole right next to him, lowers his bait, and within a few minutes has hooked a largemouth bass.

The first man is...

BALLS FOR SALE (not mine)

This woman is cleaning out her attic, when she comes across a small shoebox she hasn't seen before. She opens it. Inside: 3 golf balls, and $50 in cash. There's only one golfer in the house, so she asks him when he gets home form work.

he breaks down completely. "Every time I was unfaithful t...

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What's the difference between half a dozen dicks and the truth?

You can’t handle the truth.

I was reading a story the other day about a deranged garbage man running around for years, murdering dozens.

Psychologists said he was a diagnosed Suciopath.

Life...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there w...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”



The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the...

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If, according to Kanye West, one good girl is worth a thousand bitches, and if, according to Lil' Wayne, bitches come a dime a dozen

That means one good girl is worth $8.33 (USD), no Wonder 50 cent couldn't afford a good girl.

A husband brings home a dozen roses for his wife one day.

She sees them and says, "What did you do wrong?"

The husband says, "Nothing, I just wanted to get you a gift."

The wife responds, "Now you expect me to lie in bed all week with my legs apart!"

The husband replies, "What, you don't have a vase?"

My Friend Told Me Twelve is a Significant Number.

I disagreed. I said it dozen't matter.

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A man checks into a hospital with a dozen toy horses up his butt...

The doctors described his condition as stable.

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Did you hear about the group of people who stole a dozen boxes of Viagra?

Police are looking for hardened criminals.

If I had a dozen muffins and Carlos took 13 away from me, what do I have now?

A math problem

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A guy was admitted to the emergency ward with half a dozen toy horses stuck up his ass.

His condition was listed as "stable".

A dozen guys are changing in the golf club's locker room

Suddenly, a cell phone starts ringing. One of the guys answers it.

'Hi!'

'Hi honey, it's me,' says a female voice. 'Are you still at the golf club?'

'Yeah.'

'Wonderful! I'm two streets away. I just saw this amazing Persian fur coat. It's truly marvelous. Can I buy it?'...

I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses...

"I'm sorry sir, " said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them. "

"No problem, " I replied, "that's more than enough. "

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled to dozens of countries and learned to speak several languages?

He was a man of many cultures.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

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I just read an article on a woman with 12 breasts

Seems fake, dozen tit?

Life is like a dozen roses...

it's full of pricks!

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Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.


He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice next to him...

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A man dies and goes to Hell.

When he gets there, a demon tells him that he has to choose a room that he's going to stay in for the rest of all time.

The first room is big, with a few hundred people standing in piles of shit up to their waists. Other than that, nothing else is happening. They all seem to be having small ...

Back in the day, I 'member me and my mom going to the store with two dollars in her purse and coming back with a big bag of spuds, two loaves of bread, a pound of cheese, three gallons of milk, half a dozen eggs and coffee…

You can't do that anymore…too many security cameras…

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Bob, an Olympic class wrestler - has a match with Bjorn, a Lapland wrestling grandmaster

Before the meet, Bob's coaches warned him that Bjorn has a deadly stranglehold move called "the pretzel". They warned him not to dip his right shoulder while standing face to face, or he will certainly lose.

Bob keeps this advice in mind as he wrestles Bjorn - but he loses concentration for ...

You've killed dozens and robbed hundreds of people using your hammer. What can you say in your defense?

– Defendant! Stop clowning and sit down!

One day someone decided that the best way to refer quantities of eggs and bananas would be in multiples of 12, rather than in multiples of 10

And the whole world was ok with it.

Dozen it seem weird?

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After sex I always get out my phone and order my wife a dozen roses.

My girlfriend thinks I'm hilarious.

President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were being shown separately around an experimental farm

When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day."

Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by."

When the President came by the...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

A man calls the National Security Agency...

Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?

Agent: No sir, we don't do that

Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her ...

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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

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So a man orders a dozen margaritas.

A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.

The bartender says, "Wow, what's the special occasion?"

The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."

The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How 'bout an extra margarita on the house?...

A guy walks into a pawn shop, there's a brass statue of a cat.

He asks the shopkeeper, "How much for the statue?" Shopkeeper replies, "$20 for the statue, $20,000 for the story." He says various unkind words, pays $20 and takes his statue.

He walks down the street, but he starts hearing a murmuring noise behind him. Something small and subtle, he can't p...

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A Catholic Irishman is on his deathbed.

He calls for his son, and tells him "My boy, go fetch the Anglican Pastor, I wish to convert before I die". His son is shocked! The father has been one of the most prominent Catholics in the community, he made large donations to the Church every year, attended Mass every day, and was close friends w...

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