UPJOKE
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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters?

The mailman

I once dated a girl with twelve nipples, sounds kinda weird...

Dozen tit?

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

One Adam Twelve

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was ...

I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps.

I moved to a walking distance from a bar.

Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

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I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the...

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My dick may not be twelve inches but..

It smells like a foot.

After hearing me sing, my music teacher said that I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

Q: What did the judge say about the man that was shot twelve times by the police?

A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever seen.

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

Jesus and the twelve disciples walk into a bar.

"Thirteen large glasses of water, please," says Jesus to the bartender, dropping Peter a wink...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

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A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son's bedroom.

Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him.

Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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I once made love to a woman with twelve breasts...

Sounds nice, *doesn't it*?

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

After twelve years of psychoanalysis, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said....

After twelve years of psychoanalysis,
my psychiatrist said something
that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, No hablo Ingles.

- Ronnie Shakes

What do you call a ball that is twelve inches long that you kick?

A football.

If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes

The twelve days of Jokemas, day twelve

What is Santa's favorite part of celebrating Christmas every year?

It's in the present

Merry Christmas everyone!

Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?

No? Then you're sure as hell not babysitting for my kids!

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

My Friend Told Me Twelve is a Significant Number.

I disagreed. I said it dozen't matter.

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I couldn't find a twelve letter word that means "obstructive".

I think it's unreasonable.

Guy sits at a bar and asks the bartender to line up twelve shots.

The bartender sets up the shots. He starts throwing them back in rapid fire. The bartender tells him to slow down or he’s going to kill himself. The guy says “if you had what I’ve got you’d be drinking like this too”. The bartender steps back and says “what have you got?” He tells him, “two dollars”

The twelve days of Jokemas, day three

What do you call Rudolph with an umbrella?

A Raindeer

The twelve days of Jokemas, day four

Want to hear a chimney joke?

I got stacks of them, first one's on the house

The twelve days of Jokemas, day one

How much does a cracker weigh?

One graham

The twelve days of Jokemas, day seven

What is Tom Hanks' favorite drink?

The Polar Expresso

A guy walks into a bar. As he is walking up to the bar he notices a twelve-inch man playing the piano,

So he asks the bartender “What’s that all about?” motioning to the dwarf,

The bartender told him he would tell him later. So the guy orders a drink. The bartender says,

“Before you get a drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.”

“Okay,” said the guy. He wa...

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

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Have you heard the one about the woman with twelve breasts?

Me neither, but it sounds uncomfortable, dozen tit?

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

My grandpa was a WW2 veteran. He destroyed four planes and killed twelve men in one day.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had.

What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.

Now you know.

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Cheerios

Two boys are playing in their room when their mothers calls them for breakfast. The younger brother jumps up excited for breakfast when his older brother stops him, "How old are you?"

"I'm nine."

"Right, and I'm twelve. You're almost double digits and I'm almost a teenager, it is time ...

Twelve years ago today, I buried a time capsule. Tomorrow I'm going to dig it up and open it.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got!

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

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Twelve priests are about to do their final test before being ordained...

In order to confirm their virtue a bell is tied on their penis and they all have to stand in line and watch a naked woman dance in front of them. If the bell rings they have failed and get kicked out of the church.

Eleven priests pass the test but the twelfth fails. The bell rings and falls d...

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The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...

Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

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There are Twelve Days of Christmas....

....and not a single one of them is in fucking November.



:edit: overheard at a gas station line. figured I would share.

Imagine a cow with twelve teets...

Sound silly, dozentit?

I just adopted a cat with twelve nipples. It’s apparently a common birth defect, but I prefer to think he was exposed to radiation in the womb.

That makes more sense, dozen tit?

What breaks when you give it to a twelve year old?

Her hips.

How do you know if twelve beers is enough?

It’ll feel like 1 2 many.

Why is twelve an unfair number?

Because it's two against one

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My girlfriend has twelve breasts.

It seems kind of freaky, dozen-tit?

My dad said he'd disown me if I didn't know a twelve letter synonym for "obstructive".

That's unreasonable.

You should try my new thing, it’s hard to start doing but once you do it its hard to stop. I sometimes do it for twelve hours straight.

I call it sleep

A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.

A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, n...

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A twelve year old boy asks his dad what a vagina is?

The father says "That's what a woman's private area is, and that is where babies come from"

The boy asks "What's a beaver?", the father replies "That's just another name for it".

The boy then asks "What's a pussy", the father replies "That is just another name for the vagina, it's wher...

Twelve o'clock is the best time

Hands up if you agree

I got twelve upvotes the last time I made a 9/11 joke here.

I guess you could say it crashed and burned.

I did twelve push-ups today.

I could've done more, but that's how many came in the box.

Twelve of Jesus's closest followers have been accused of slaughtering a herd of cattle.

Police are treating it as apostle bull murder.

And old man visits a priest

An older man was riding his moped in a snowstorm to visit a priest to tell him that his 12th child had been born that day. Since the man was old and had a bit of trouble hearing, he thought ahead to what the priest would say so he could answer him.

”First he’ll say hello and then he’ll proba...

As proven by the scriptures, Jesus was a top.

1. He had twelve guys hanging off his every word and deed
2. The only time he got nailed he needed three days to recover.

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Top Gear was twelve years old...

That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked.

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Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...

Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."

Lisa: "Okay."

They go into the dark closet.

Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"

Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."

Waiting game

A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The ...

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The other day I saw a woman with twelve tits.

It seemed a bit odd, dozen tit?

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Young guy goes into a bar and orders twelve shots of whisky

Barman serves them up and watches as the guy starts drinking them methodically, one after another, until he finishes the last one. The barman can't help but ask 'what's all the whisky for son?' so the guy, with his head on the bar, looks up weakly and says 'my first blowjob'. The barman cracks a hug...

I caught my twelve-year-old son.......

looking up women's skirts today," I told the barman after my second whiskey.

"That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

"Not on eBay it isn't!" I said.

A twelve year old is watching ghostbusters 2 for the first time with his father.

Kid : Dad what's that?

Dad : A walkman

Kid : and that?

Dad : A dark room for devoloping photos.

Kid : and those?

Dad : The twin towers.

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Pastor Pete looks out his window after prayers one morning and he sees old Captain Salty stumbling down the road zig-zagging back back and forth.

"Hey, you crusty old pirate," Pastor Pete yelled. "What are doing drunk already? It's not even seven a.m."

"Let me tell, ye, ye nosy busy body," Captain Salty replied, "I haven't had a drink in over twelve hours!"


"Is that so?" asked Pastor Pete. "I hope your sea legs are better...

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I'm about to tell my date that my penis is twelve inches wide.

I don't know how she's going to take it.

How much is twelve units of mass?

Dozen matter.

Office hours of the Senate are from twelve to one...

with an hour off for lunch.

My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

The Twelve Days of Conspiramas

On the twelfth day of Conspiramas, my informant sent to me...

Twelve Chemtrails Trailing

Eleven Vaxxers Vaxxing

Ten Lizards Lording

Nine Eleven Plotters

Eight Illuminati

Seven RFID Implants

Six Fake Moon Landings

Five GMOs...

Four False...

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

A twelve year old

This 12 year old boy was in his bead when he heard his mother moaning. He decided he'd go see what's wrong with her. When he looked in his mother's room he saw his mother laying stark naked on the bed, rubbing herself and saying , "I need a man. I need a man."
One night he heard his mother again...

Why was Twelve scared of Eleven?

Because Eleven has telekinetic abilities.

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A guy walks into a pharmacy

and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label \*...

The guy who stole my calendar finally got caught …

He got twelve months

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's hel...

Walking past a mental institution

I heard the residents chanting “twelve, twelve twelve”. As I kept walking I noticed a small hole in the tall wooden fence. Since the residents were still chanting “twelve, twelve, twelve” I decided to peek through the hole and see what was happening. As soon as I looked, a stick came through the hol...

A woman walks into a brothel, slaps down a few hundred dollars, and exclaims, "I want twelve inches, and I want them to hurt!"

So the doorman smacks her face with a ruler.

The Donner Party had to eat so many people because they didn't have Jesus

If Jesus had been with the Donner Party the first person to die would have filled the entire party with twelve baskets of leftovers!

A married couple are lying in bed on the night of their anniversary...

The man asks her "Honey? There's something I've always wanted to ask you. How many men have you been with?"

"Oh darling." she says. "You don't want to know that. I know you too well. You'd get all jealous and angry with me."

He insists he won't. After a few minutes of back and forth s...

Twelve.

A man is walking down the street alongside a sizable construction fence. It's at least 8 feet tall, and it runs the whole length of the block.

About 3 steps deep, he hears a quiet voice saying

"Twelve. Twelve. Twelve." He thinks it odd, but continues walking. Almost immediately, he h...

What do you call a twelve faced shape made out of genitals?

A dodickahedron.

Which fruit is most like a number?

... nine, ten, a lemon, twelve, ...

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Harold and Phil are out golfing

Phil craves a smoke, so he pulls out a cigarette and asks Harold if he has a light.

"Sure", says Harold. He reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a massive foot-long gas lighter.

"Wow, where did you get that huge lighter?" asks Phil.

"My genie", says Harold.

"Your... ge...

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Anyone Have Cocktail Sauce?

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, a man from Anchorage answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens excla...

The Twelve Inch Pianist

A man walks into a bar and sees upon the counter a very small man playing on a very small piano. The man goes up to the bartender and asks, "Wherever did you find such a man?" The bartender replies, "I've got a genie in a bottle. He's in the back, would you wanna see him?" Enthralled, the man follow...

Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St Peter himself.

St Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyon...

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

The doctor examining him, is baffled how his penis has turned orange and poses some probing questions. "What do you do for a living", he asks.

"I am a truck driver"

"Do you work long hours"

"Oh yes, most days are twelve to sixteen hour days usually in heavy traffic"

The...

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russi...

Two guys were on a golf course playing a couple rounds when one turns to the other and says "Hey man, do you have a lighter?" the other guy opens up a compartment on his golf bag and says "Yeah, here you go." and hands the first guy this giant lighter.

The first guy says "Man that's a huge lighter, where'd you get this?" the other guy says "Oh, well, there's this genie lamp I found, rubbed it, genie came out, and said he'd grant me one wish." The first guy says "Wow, that's crazy, do you still have the lamp?" The other guy opens up another compart...

A man, frantic rushes up to the bar

Gimme twelve shots quick!! He says. The bartender starts pouring them out as the man starts slamming them. After the last shot the bartender says "damn! You sure drank those fast!! The man says "buddy, you'd drink fast too, if you had what I got!" "Jeeze, what do you have bud?" The bartender says....

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A man walks into a bar.....

This man walks into a bar. He sees that there are only two people there. The bartender and a lady sitting at the end of the bar. He also notices several odd things, like groups of animals and various other odd sights. He goes to the bartender and asks 'got a light, and what's up with this bar?' The ...

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

I've decided to become a better father, so I'm down to five cigarettes a day now.

The rest of the pack I give to my twelve year old son.

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

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