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Twelve Jokes

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

"Twelve thousand, two hundred and fourteen, "twelve thousand, two hundred and fifteen..." my daughter continued as she sat on my shoulders.

I regret telling her she'd always be able to count on me.

A young woman was married and had twelve children before her husband died.

However, she was soon married again and had seven more children. Sadly, her second husband died. She remarried and this time had five more children. Alas, worn out by constant childbearing, she died.

At her funeral the preacher prayed to God for this woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

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A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son's bedroom.

Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him.

Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters?

The mailman

Twelve signs that you're an idiot:

1. Aries,
2. Taurus,
3. Gemini,
4. Cancer,
5. Leo,
6. Virgo,
7. Libra,
8. Scorpio,
9. Sagittarius,
10. Capricorn,
11. Aquarius, and
12. Pisces

Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

“I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women's skirts today,” I told the bartender.

“That's pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn't it?" he asked.

“Not on Amazon it isn't" I said.

One Adam Twelve

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was ...

So I'm fifty-twelve years old and got hip replacement surgery a week ago...Wife today, "Damnit didn't the Doctor tell you not to push it during rehab, I told you you were doing too much yesterday, look how swollen your leg is."

"Actually he told me to listen to my body."

(I continued using different voices), "How you doing Leg?"

"Swell."

The twelve days of Jokemas, day twelve

What is Santa's favorite part of celebrating Christmas every year?

It's in the present

Merry Christmas everyone!

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My dick may not be twelve inches...

But it sure smells like a foot.

Heard that from an old tugboat captain today and I had to share.

A mathematician comes home from a symposium to be met at the door by his furious wife.

"What's the big idea, coming home at three in the morning in this state?" she yells.

"Dear," says the moderately refreshed gentleman, "what time did I say I would be home?"

"Quarter of twelve, that's what you said!" screams the wife.

"...Well?" demands the mathematician.

Jesus walks into a bar

“Just twelve waters please!”
*Winks at disciples*

I drink a lot of alcohol. A LOT. So I'm doing twelve steps.

I moved to a walking distance from a bar.

Jesus and the twelve disciples walk into a bar.

"Thirteen large glasses of water, please," says Jesus to the bartender, dropping Peter a wink...

Why is twelve an unfair number?

Because it's two against one

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Have you heard the one about the woman with twelve breasts?

Me neither, but it sounds uncomfortable, dozen tit?

The twelve days of Jokemas, day four

Want to hear a chimney joke?

I got stacks of them, first one's on the house

The twelve days of Jokemas, day one

How much does a cracker weigh?

One graham

The twelve days of Jokemas, day three

What do you call Rudolph with an umbrella?

A Raindeer

I once dated a girl with twelve nipples, sounds kinda weird...

Dozen tit?

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

My Friend Told Me Twelve is a Significant Number.

I disagreed. I said it dozen't matter.

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My girlfriend has twelve breasts.

It seems kind of freaky, dozen-tit?

Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?

No? Then you're sure as hell not babysitting for my kids!

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The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch

He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes.

Three days later he asks for a report.

The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement an...

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Top Gear was twelve years old...

That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked.

What do you call a ball that is twelve inches long that you kick?

A football.

Twelve o'clock is the best time

Hands up if you agree

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There are Twelve Days of Christmas....

....and not a single one of them is in fucking November.



:edit: overheard at a gas station line. figured I would share.

Imagine a cow with twelve teets...

Sound silly, dozentit?

Sam said to Fred, “I put £20 on a horse last week, and he came in at twenty-five to one.”

“Wow! you must be loaded,” said Fred. “Not really,” said George. “The rest of the field came in at twelve-thirty.”

I did twelve push-ups today.

I could've done more, but that's how many came in the box.

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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second ...

Q: What did the judge say about the man that was shot twelve times by the police?

A: The most horrific suicide scenario I have ever seen.

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

Guy sits at a bar and asks the bartender to line up twelve shots.

The bartender sets up the shots. He starts throwing them back in rapid fire. The bartender tells him to slow down or he’s going to kill himself. The guy says “if you had what I’ve got you’d be drinking like this too”. The bartender steps back and says “what have you got?” He tells him, “two dollars”

A guy walks into a bar. As he is walking up to the bar he notices a twelve-inch man playing the piano,

So he asks the bartender “What’s that all about?” motioning to the dwarf,

The bartender told him he would tell him later. So the guy orders a drink. The bartender says,

“Before you get a drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.”

“Okay,” said the guy. He wa...

After twelve years of psychoanalysis, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said....

After twelve years of psychoanalysis,
my psychiatrist said something
that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, No hablo Ingles.

- Ronnie Shakes

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cen...

A twelve year old

This 12 year old boy was in his bead when he heard his mother moaning. He decided he'd go see what's wrong with her. When he looked in his mother's room he saw his mother laying stark naked on the bed, rubbing herself and saying , "I need a man. I need a man."
One night he heard his mother again...

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I couldn't find a twelve letter word that means "obstructive".

I think it's unreasonable.

What breaks when you give it to a twelve year old?

Her hips.

How do you know if twelve beers is enough?

It’ll feel like 1 2 many.

The Twelve Days of Conspiramas

On the twelfth day of Conspiramas, my informant sent to me...

Twelve Chemtrails Trailing

Eleven Vaxxers Vaxxing

Ten Lizards Lording

Nine Eleven Plotters

Eight Illuminati

Seven RFID Implants

Six Fake Moon Landings

Five GMOs...

Four False...

Would you like the pizza cut into eight or twelve slices?

Just eight, I don't think I could eat twelve!

Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

How has Donald Trump managed to bankrupt so many casinos?

He hits on anything twelve or higher.

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The other day I saw a woman with twelve tits.

It seemed a bit odd, dozen tit?

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Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...

Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."

Lisa: "Okay."

They go into the dark closet.

Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"

Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

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A twelve year old boy asks his dad what a vagina is?

The father says "That's what a woman's private area is, and that is where babies come from"

The boy asks "What's a beaver?", the father replies "That's just another name for it".

The boy then asks "What's a pussy", the father replies "That is just another name for the vagina, it's wher...

My grandpa was a WW2 veteran. He destroyed four planes and killed twelve men in one day.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had.

Twelve of Jesus's closest followers have been accused of slaughtering a herd of cattle.

Police are treating it as apostle bull murder.

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Office hours of the Senate are from twelve to one...

with an hour off for lunch.

Twelve years ago today, I buried a time capsule. Tomorrow I'm going to dig it up and open it.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got!

A twelve year old came up to me and asked for a cigarette. I can't believe it!

So nice to see young people using manners

My dad said he'd disown me if I didn't know a twelve letter synonym for "obstructive".

That's unreasonable.

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A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.

"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.

The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter...

The Twelve Inch Pianist

A man walks into a bar and sees upon the counter a very small man playing on a very small piano. The man goes up to the bartender and asks, "Wherever did you find such a man?" The bartender replies, "I've got a genie in a bottle. He's in the back, would you wanna see him?" Enthralled, the man follow...

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

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I'm about to tell my date that my penis is twelve inches wide.

I don't know how she's going to take it.

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

Female hormones in a beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

I got twelve upvotes the last time I made a 9/11 joke here.

I guess you could say it crashed and burned.

A twelve year old is watching ghostbusters 2 for the first time with his father.

Kid : Dad what's that?

Dad : A walkman

Kid : and that?

Dad : A dark room for devoloping photos.

Kid : and those?

Dad : The twin towers.

And old man visits a priest

An older man was riding his moped in a snowstorm to visit a priest to tell him that his 12th child had been born that day. Since the man was old and had a bit of trouble hearing, he thought ahead to what the priest would say so he could answer him.

”First he’ll say hello and then he’ll proba...

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A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex

A young couple had just finished having fantastic sex. Afterwards, the young woman looked in the box of condoms and saw that there were only six left out of the original twelve. She asked her boyfriend, “What happened to the five other condoms?”
He rather nervously and shiftily replied, “Errmm, I...

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Forrest Gump passed away

... And he is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it is certainly good to see ye. We hath heard much of you.  I must inform thee that Heaven is filling up fast, and we hath been admin...

Waiting game

A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting.

Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The ...

A tourist wandering through the back alleys of San Francisco’s Chinatown finds his way into an antique store

A bronze statue of a rat catches his eye, and he asks for its price.


“The rat costs twelve dollars,” the shopkeeper says, “and it will be a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”


The tourist, being a shrewd American, pays for the rat, telling the old man he can keep hi...

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A man walks into a bar.....

This man walks into a bar. He sees that there are only two people there. The bartender and a lady sitting at the end of the bar. He also notices several odd things, like groups of animals and various other odd sights. He goes to the bartender and asks 'got a light, and what's up with this bar?' The ...

How many Police Officers does it take to change a light bulb?

Thirteen. One to change the light bulb, and twelve to beat the room for being black.

How many twitter people does it take to change a light bulb

Twelve million and one. One to change the lightbulb and twelve million to complain about how that one person ruined light bulbs forever

Walking past a mental institution

I heard the residents chanting “twelve, twelve twelve”. As I kept walking I noticed a small hole in the tall wooden fence. Since the residents were still chanting “twelve, twelve, twelve” I decided to peek through the hole and see what was happening. As soon as I looked, a stick came through the hol...

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I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the...

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Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Je...

The shy wife

A friend of mine is married to a very shy woman, one who has much difficulty talking about anything related to s-e-x, and her husband was her first and only partner, though she knew he had had some experience prior to their wedding night. It was no surprise, then, that it took her five years to sum...

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Condoms

A boy and his father are shopping when they pass the condom aisle. The boy sees three pack sizes of condoms, a pack of three, one of six, and one of twelve. He grabs the three pack.

The father says, “Those are for high schoolers. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

T...

I went to the fortune teller.

I went to the fortune teller, who said in twelve years I would suffer unparalleled sadness and heartbreak.

So to cheer myself up I went out and got a puppy.

A Blonde goes to Heaven

(found this on an old PC, I was clearing out..)

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Ex...

Why was the pdf afraid of the folder?

It had a .rar file in it.

I know it's horrible, but I came up with it when I was twelve.

My parents nearly took my computer away.

A woman walks into a brothel, slaps down a few hundred dollars, and exclaims, "I want twelve inches, and I want them to hurt!"

So the doorman smacks her face with a ruler.

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Paratrooper's First Jump NSFW

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

"So, did ...

Did you guys hear that pope Benedict died of food poisoning?

He ate a twelve year old weiner

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

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A guy with a stutter walks into a doctor's office...

He asks the Doctor, "Hey, d-d-doc. I have a bad s-s-s-stutter, and I th-th-think it's because of my twelve inch p-p-penis. D-d-do you think you c-c-can take a f-f-few inches off?"

And the doctor replies, "Sure! No problem, at all!"

So they perform the surgery, the doctor removes severa...

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

People don't milk cows for twelve years

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They'r...

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM and gets a good shouting at from his wife

"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!

The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter *of* twelve."

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