UPJOKE

### If a Goonie has 3 dice and loses 2, what do they have now?

I don’t know. They won’t tell me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets \$20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

### My house was raided and the cops carted off books on algebra, trigonometry and calculus, plus dice and other probability-demo stuff.

They said it was weapons of math instruction.

### I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

### Dice. My favorite Dice rhyme: "Jack 'n Jill went up the hill, both wit a buck 'n a quarter..."

... Jill came down wit two fifty

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### Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said,

\- "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped...

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### A woman walks into a bank to deposit \$100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you \$50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

### Why could John Milton not play Yahtzee?

Pair of dice lost.

A prejudice

### help decode this joke please.

I asked Alexa to tell me a joke. And she replied-

"Once I tried to chop a carrot with a dull knife. But, no diced."

I have been trying to find the hidden humor in this joke but I can't. Feeling desperate now. Please help. Lol.

### Tommy bought a pack of 3 dice. He got rid of one. Why?

Because he wanted 2 die.

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### Old joke: Andrew Dice was getting a blowjob from his girlfriend. Just before he cums, she says "why do you want to do it in my mouth?" ... And Dice says:

"Honey, it's a nice restaurant...I dont wanna mess up your hair.."

### Just bought a set of dice but all the 2s, 4s and 6s have been blanked out.

They're very odd.

### I couldn't believe my local casino had a 'bring your own custom dice' night.

I just rolled my eyes.

### Here, have a joke in spanish

“sabe inglés?"

"si"

"como se dice 'un zapato' en inglés?"

"a shoe"

"salud"

"gracias”

### Why do dice always prefer to be in twos?

Because it's a pair a' dice.

### Why did the dice skip on having fun with the balls?

Because it wanted to stay edgy.

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### A nervous hedgehog and a and a daring porcupine were each doin a handstand on a dice..

And the two dice were on each end of a razor sharp long sword see-sawing on the poison tip of an upright spear attached to a table made of matches poised over pools of explosives on one side and sharks on the other.

Porcupine: “hey buddy remind me what game we’re playing again?”
Hedgehog: ...

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### After Dennis DeYoung left Styx, he became a professional gambler. He did particularly well at craps...

He was rockin' the pair o' dice!

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### Eyes on the prize

It was a slow night at the Casino, just a few regulars playing the slots…

Two bored dealers were standing at the "mini-craps" table when out of nowhere, an incredibly attractive blonde woman from South Alabama placed a \$5,000 bet on a single roll of the dice.
With a deep southern drawl, ...

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### Emma Watson decided to quit acting to become a professional gambler. She entered her first craps tournament full of optimism.

At the start of the first round, Emma started undressing. "Why are you undressing?" asked one of her opponents. "I like to play craps completely in the nude," replied Emma.

As soon as Emma had removed the last shred of clothing, she made her bet. Then the dice were rolled. Emma watched as the...

### I was talking to one of the butchers at my job just now

He told me, "I'm going on break, so if anyone needs anything cut..."
I cut in and said, "no dice"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery.

Guy prays hard to God asking to win the lottery. A week goes by but he doesn't win. The next week, he prays again even harder asking God to help him win the lottery. No dice again though. For a third time, he pulls out all the stops and prays SO DAMN HAAAARRDD to win the lottery, but again is rebuff...

### I went shopping yesterday

I went into a candy shop and tried to buy a kinder chocolate bar but no bueno..... so I went to a game shop and tried to buy a full monopoly set but no dice

### Board Game Shop

Me: I want a dice.

Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.

Me: I want 2 die.

Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.

Me: I want 2 die alone.

### My shrink says i have a gambling problem..

i asked "doctor is there a cure" she said "no dice!"

### Did you hear about the guy who was pelted to death by dice?

Yeah, the police reports state that he died to death.

### My wife caught me cheating at Monopoly...

She dropped the dice and found me fingering her sister.

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### No tie, no entry

Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer l...

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### A cannibal attends a restaurant ran by another cannibal

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and browsed the menu:

\*Grilled Tourist \$5.00

\*Broiled Missionary \$10.00

\*Fried Explorer \$15.00

\*Diced Marine \$20.00

\*Baked Politician \$1000.00

The cannibal called a waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for p...

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### If you're concerned about your new partner's sexual history, and you don't want to catch genital warts, imagine you're playing chess, not craps.

So don't roll the dice. Check first, and then mate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

### An attractive blonde walks into a casino

The two bored dealers look at her and their eyes spark up. The blonde then makes a huge bet of \$100,000 on a roll of a dice.

Before she rolls, she asks the dealers whether she could take her top off. The two dealers immediately agree.

The blonde takes her top off, and proceeds with the...

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

### [Long] Since you guys liked the last one, here's another joke from my country

In a far away kingdom, the king got married to a beautiful wife. After being married to her for a year, the king started to worry that his beautiful wife might be sleeping around.

So he got a blacksmith to build a device to fit in her ladyparts which will dice anything that goes in. He manag...

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### A middle-aged couple is having trouble in bed.

A middle-aged couple is having trouble in bed - namely, the husband is having trouble making his wife orgasm. They visit a sex therapist who recommends they hire a young man to give the wife a foot massage during sex, hopefully to relax her and help her orgasm. They try it, and the husband fucks his...

### How did Eddie Money get himself and a friend into the backgammon tournament?

Two tickets, two pair of dice.

Note: I looked through my old posts and can't believe only 4 people thought the original version of this was funny. I'm trying again with an edited version.

### Where do gambling gangsters go after they die?

To the Gangster's-Pair-a-Dice.

### A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It
was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on
Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in
a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?'

She thought for a time and then asked 'Is it on or
off?'

### Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

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### A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sharing how hard their lives are

Cucumber: I got it worse, people chop me up and put me on salads!

Pickle: No I got it worse, people dice me up and put me on hot dogs!

Penis: You think that’s bad, I get a bag put over my head, shoved into a dark room and get beat up till I puke!

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### Old Mary and Frank have been having some matrimonial issues...

No matter how hard he tries, Frank just can't bring Mary to orgasm anymore.

They decide to visit the doctor for help, because they love each other, in all the ways, and this lack of intimacy is bringing them both down emotionally.

### Once, a blonde visits a bar......

.........she orders a drink and waits, she spots two guys betting with dice. She goes there to check it out. They were simply calling out a number and rolling a dice, if it landed on the said number, they won. She was interested, and asked if she could get a try at it. Both men agreed. The blonde be...

### Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

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### Little Miss Muffett

Little Miss Muffett sat on her tuffet

Eating her curds and whey

Along came a spider who sat down beside her

And said, " 'Ey, what's in the bowl, bitch?"

-Andrew Dice Clay

### Sometimes I just want to die...

It sounds like pair o' dice.

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### I fucking hate playing Monopoly with Remainers.

They keep wanting to carry on throwing the dice until they get the outcome they want.

### A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...

### A fun story about Dungeons and Dragons

I remember reading this great story, goes somewhere along these lines:

The party is traveling on a mountain in a blizzard, and every member rolls to see if they fall from the cliff. A dwarf warrior doesn't pass the check due to his armor, and falls.

DM: You fall from the cliff but hav...

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### Goldilocks and the three cars.

Goldilocks had grown into a fine young lady now, and so she decided to revisit the three bears, just to see how they were all doing.

As she wandered down the path, she ended up at their house, signed "The Three Bears".
She didn't see any sign of them around.

Typical.

Yet, so...

### What's gambling like in heaven?

It's a pair-a-dice.

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### Cunning old bitch

So there was an old lady who entered the First National Bank of Perth one day with a big suit case. She approached the front counter.

The cashier attempted to help her but she insisted. So the cashier went and got the manager.
...

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### A Man Dies and Goes to Hell

Upon his arrival, he is furious. He is roaring at the little imps that keep trying to drag him in, and demands to see his record.
Fed up, Satan goes up the man and says "Look, relax, man, it's Hell. We have all the sins down here! Look, you like to gamble, right?"

Flustered, the man resp...

### I'm sick and tired of EA's microtransaction on Battlefront 2.

An old habit never DICE, I guess.

..to mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."

(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)

Pair-a-dice!

No dice.

### German authorities

German authorities have raided establishments where citizens have been playing dice games. They are doing all they can to stop the reformation of the Yahtzee Party.

### My favorite surprise joke.

From experience, this works best if you tell it when you return from a trip without flagging that it's a joke + adjust it to fit the trip:

Everything went fine until we got to the airport late in Barcelona. We ended up in the security line behind this Alice Cooper type, with piercings stickin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Why is Coolio always able to play craps?

He's got a gangsta's pair a dice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### My first job ...

When I was 15 I came home one day very excited, walked up to my father and said, "Hey dad! I just got a job!"

To which my father replies, "Congratulations son! How much does it pay?"

Confused, I respond, "Well, she charged me 50 bucks... If they're going to start paying me... Then I...

### What is the name of that casino on the beach?

Pair-a-dice.

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### The die is cast

Hitler took a stroll in one of the concentration camps and he saw some Jews playing around with dice.
He came up to them saying : "if you roll a number from 1 to 5 you will die!
Jews : "And what if we roll a 6?"
Hitler smiled : "You get to roll the die again"