UPJOKE
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Why do men love blow jobs so much?

It's the only way to get inside of a womans head!!

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My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

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What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

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One last blow job

Some soldiers are deep in enemy lines and life's luck looks like it's about to run out. "Hey fellas before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?" The other soldiers are stunned. "No!" "Absolutely not!" "Go jack off or do what ever but we don't want any part of it!!" "Fin...

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old...

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

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My best friend Kevin is a legend. He went out and got three blow jobs.

Then he came over to give me one. What a friend!

What do zombies blow thier noses with?

Human tissue!

My friend had recently lost it all and started giving blows behind Wendy’s.

He come to me so excited after a couple days and said he’d made $300.50.

Puzzled, I asked him “who gave you .50?”

He replied, “They all did!”

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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently,
"Heating your dinner"
wasn't a good answer.

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot...

but honestly... I'm not a fan.

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Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

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Blowing the tailpipe

A blonde was driving in a bad thunderstorm. Suddenly, large balls of hail began pelting the car, causing a variety of huge dents. The blonde pulled under a bridge to shield the car from further hail damage. Just as the storm finally passed, a State Trooper spotted the car under the bridge and saw th...

If you turn the base up too high, you blow out your speaker

and then your party is in trouble.

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy...

....it feels good but then you look down and realize you’re gay.

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Blow Hard

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Why do you blow in a trumpet?

Because it sounds better if you don't suck.

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

You can blow your nose, you can blow your friends

but you can't blow your friend's nose

It blows when i...

Read read as read and not read, so i have to re-read read as read so i can read read correctly and it can make sense

How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

Put it into airplane mode.

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe. Things were going well but there was just one problem.

I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as "The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

I blow my nose like I owe it money..

But it runs like the opposite is true.

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Why does Dumbledore give the best blow jobs at Hogwarts?

Because he's the headmaster.

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Blowing Bubbles

There is this door in an ally. Three guys walk out of it. A curious man asked the first guy," what were you doing in there"? The man answered "I was blowing bubbles" The curious man asks the second guy what he was doing, and the man answered, "I was blowing bubbles". Then the curious man said, "...

Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?

He says hi

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t...

Could you imagine if Steve Jobs first name was blow

His current business model would suck.

Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

What are those things you blow and your wish comes true?

Oh yeah… sugar daddies…

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

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I woke up to a cheeky blow job this morning.

That’s the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

Why did the vegan blow up the butcher shop?

She was just trying to make meats end.

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

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Jim Bob and the Blow Job Frog

A man is selling frogs in a box for $100 each. A sign says “Blow Job Frogs $100”.

Jim Bob walks up and looks in the box “No way one of those frogs is worth $100.”

Salesman “Take one down the alley and try it; If you don’t like it put it back and leave.”

Jim Bob does and comes b...

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If sex can get a woman pregnant, what can a blow job get a woman?

Jewelry

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A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesic...

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Why did you break up with your girlfriend? You described the sex as mind blowing?

That's right. She didn't mind blowing other guys.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

Blowing up a Balloon.

My niece had a premature baby that spent 2 weeks on a ventilator because her lungs were not fully developed yet. She continued to have breathing problems as a toddler and needed to you inhalers to get enough oxygen.
On her 3rd birthday, she insisted on helping her mom decorate for her party. And ...

What's the worst thing a woman can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me

She is not a fan.

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A tight rope Walker is walking a tight rope between two buildings on the 85th floor in new York. At the same time in South Texas is getting a blow job from a 85 year old lady. What are both men thinking?

Don't look down.

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Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.

I hope it's me this year!

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

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[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

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Why did Hitler blows his brains out?...

Because he saw his gas bill.

Also this joke isn't funny, one of my family members died in a concentration camp.

He went to take a piss and fell out of a tower.

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

A cop arrests 3 ducks who were in the pond late at night.

He asks the first one: “What are you doing in the pond so late?” First duck replies “Blowing bubbles.” The cop rolls his eyes and asks the second duck: “And what were you doing in the pond so late?” The second duck answers: “Blowing bubbles.” He turns to the third duck: “And what were you doing? Lem...

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Blow-up dolls

I went to my local sex shop last night to get a new blow-up doll. As I was looking at them the clerk came up to me and asked if I needed help? 


I said yes and he asked if I wanted a male or female? 


I said a female and he asked blonde or brunette? 


I said blonde. The...

A girl told me to blow my load on her face...

But when I tried, it just dribbled out and she started laughing.

I said "Hey! Don't make fun of my shortcomings."

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

I quite enjoy blowing air around a room.

In fact, I'm a big fan.

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Blowing Smoke

Two Firemen were having anal sex in a smoke filled room. Suddenly, the Fire Chief walks in. "What the hell is going on here?" asks the Chief.
The 1st Fireman tries to explain that his partner had "Smoke Inhalation".
The Chiefs yells, "You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation".<...

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The drink "blow job" it's inaccurate.

If it was even close most women would spit it out.

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What do you call an equestrian that has never received a blow job?

A Headless Horseman!

Why did the NPC blow himself up?

He was sceptical, hence he wanted to C4 himself

Which month really blows?

August

James Bond always holds his farts while in bed

Otherwise he would blow his cover.





(Look I'm not funny this was my first and only attempt so sorry X\_X)

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

Any good mechanic will tell you that it's very easy to blow a seal...

However, most zoologists disagree ;)

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

What do you blow to make a wish?

A sugar daddy!

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Whats the difference between a terrorist and a prostitute?

The terrorist blows for free.

Did you blow bubbles as a kid?

Well, just so you know, he is back in town for the weekend and was asking for your number.

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If a man fails to blow up a building, but gives good sex advice, what will people say about him?

This Guy Fawkes.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced...

"BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds.

It would be r/funny if this post blows up.

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

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Blow Job

A son runs up to his father and says dad I got my first blow job. The dad says that's great how was it? The son said it tasted terrible.

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

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My gf said men only think with their penis.

I told her to go ahead and blow my mind.

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so a man hires a hitman to kill his wife who is cheating...

So a man hires a hitman to kill his cheating wife and the man she's cheating with. The Hitman charges 10,000 per bullet. The man asks the Hitman to blow off the woman's head, and the guy's dick. The Hitman says ok, and they go up on the roof of the building adjacent to the hotel the wife is in. The ...

making fun of a persons deceased mother is a low blow.

btw, the lowest blow I've ever gotten was from your mom.

A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

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I went fishing and asked a girl for a blow job.

She said 'Get Reel'.

What is the difference between a normal blow up doll and an Arabian blow up doll?

Arabian ones blow themselves up.

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A man goes to a prostitute...

A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150.

He says "what can I get for $50?"

"A penguin."

He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few...

Why did H blow itself up?

Because G had.

I like how the girl that called me a “loser” in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like “what are your plans for dinner” and “Your dad and I are going out for dinner there’s food in the fridge”

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A man said he would blow up a bathroom without a bomb.

I was wondering how he would do that… and then it shit me.

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today

Now you can legally blow the cartridges.

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What's the difference between a blow job and anal? Nsfw

One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

Duck stands before the judge. Judge says "why are you here?"

Duck "I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor"

Judge "thats stupid, case dismissed"

Next duck comes in.

Judge "why are you here?"

Duck "I was caught blowing bubbles in the lake your honor"

Judge "thats stupid, case dismissed"

Next duck comes i...

How do you blow up a dinosaur?

With Dinomite.

Did you ever blow bubbles in the tub when you were a kid?

Because, I saw Bubbles the other day. He's doing well and asked about you.

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

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Possible repost but... Why does a bride smile at her wedding?

Because she knows that she has given her last blowjob.

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

A pastor decides to blow off his Sunday service and go golfing.

"See that?" St Peter says to God, pointing down at the errant preacher teeing up at the first hole.

"Yup" says God, "I'll fix him, the little truant!"

WIth that, God waves his arm, and the vicar tees off.

The ball hits a tree, flies straight up in the air, where it's caught by a...

My blow up doll is ugly as sin

But she always manages to take my breath away

Why did Melania blow Donald Trump?

She thought if she kissed a toad he'd finally become a prince.

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Is it a blow job or a blowjob?

Fuck I hate writing thank you cards...

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A golfer knows which way the wind is blowing by employing a clever tactic involving grass.

But it must be a pain in the ass to lug around a bong.

This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind...

I hear it's not even a real airport!

If you find a bomb that blows up when stepped on, please let me know.

It's mine.

How does Captain Hook blow off steam?

Beats Smee

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

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What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year old woman and walking a tightrope?

In both cases, you really don't want to look down.

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