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My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" is NOT the correct answer

The shrill of a woman can cause a glass to blow it's top.

But some glass is well tempered.

My first two wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms, the third one died from a blow to the head.

She didn't want to eat the mushrooms.

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

making fun of a persons deceased mother is a low blow.

btw, the lowest blow I've ever gotten was from your mom.

The shop I normally go to to blow up my balloons has increased their price by 50%

That's inflation for you.

A girl told me to blow my load on her face...

But when I tried, it just dribbled out and she started laughing.

I said "Hey! Don't make fun of my shortcomings."

Did you ever blow bubbles in the tub when you were a kid?

Because, I saw Bubbles the other day. He's doing well and asked about you.

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

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Blowing Smoke

Two Firemen were having anal sex in a smoke filled room. Suddenly, the Fire Chief walks in. "What the hell is going on here?" asks the Chief.
The 1st Fireman tries to explain that his partner had "Smoke Inhalation".
The Chiefs yells, "You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation".<...

My wife wants me to blow on her when she overheats

But honestly...

...I'm not a fan

Which month really blows?

August

After my best friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow.

Then I secretly taught it to say, "Daniel, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"

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The drink "blow job" it's inaccurate.

If it was even close most women would spit it out.

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

What’s the last thing a woman wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson?

I’m not really Willie Nelson.

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Why does Dumbledore give the best blow jobs at Hogwarts?

Because he's the headmaster.

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

If you find a bomb that blows up when stepped on, please let me know.

It's mine.

What do you blow to make a wish?

A sugar daddy!

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I get only one blow job per year

I get only one blow job per year, when I blow the candles on my birthday cake.

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My girlfriend said to me "would you rather give up chocolate or blow jobs for the rest of your life?"

I said "definitely blowjobs, they hurt my jaw and throat after a while"

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The Human mouth is amazing. It can suck, blow, create a vacuum , is water tight....

And can create and infinite amount of shit!

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

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Two guys sitting at a bar.

Suddenly one begins rattling off : "You know what? Last night I fucked your Mom! "


Other guys says nothing but looks agitated.


" Yeah!" first guy continues. "First I took her doggy style! Then she gave me a blow job, and finally I came up her butt! "


Second ...

Tractors

So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.

One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
...

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced...

"BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds.

It would be r/funny if this post blows up.

You can blow your nose, you can blow your friends

but you can't blow your friend's nose

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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

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A man walking his dog comes across an old man sat on a park bench sobbing

He walks up to him out of concern, and says "Is everything OK?".

The old man says "Well not really".

"What's wrong?" says the man?

"Well a couple of weeks ago, I married this 30 year old exotic dancer. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. Every morning, she wakes me up...

Did you blow bubbles as a kid?

Well, just so you know, he is back in town for the weekend and was asking for your number.

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

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I was camping with a friend of mine in a secluded forest. We sat out watching the sunset and he asked "Is there any sound more beautiful than the wind blowing through the pussywillows?"

I said: Nah, I don't really listen to cunt tree

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Jim Bob and the Blow Job Frog

A man is selling frogs in a box for $100 each. A sign says “Blow Job Frogs $100”.

Jim Bob walks up and looks in the box “No way one of those frogs is worth $100.”

Salesman “Take one down the alley and try it; If you don’t like it put it back and leave.”

Jim Bob does and comes b...

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts this will be one hell of a blow job!

(My brother and I heard this in the school yard when we were 9&6 respectively. That night he told it at the dinner table when my grandma was over!)

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

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A whale of a tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

Do you wanna play battleship?

I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out if me.

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Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose?

Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw

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A father gives all 3 of his boys $5 to spend at the fair.

The first boy sees a tent that says "$5 for a blow job" so he decides to go in as he is curious what they feel like. The second boy decides to follow his brother to the blowjob tent. The two boys get sucked for about an hour and by the end of it, it's time to go back to their father. The first boy a...

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What does drinking kombucha and giving blow jobs have in common?

If you've ever finished one properly, you already know.

Two ISIS guys are showing each other pictures of their children.

One says, "Ah, Fizal, they blow up so fast."

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A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.

The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate...

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A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex wit you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprin...

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What do you call an Italian blow job?

Gobble-goo.

What does a jet pilot have in common with his plane?

They both blow a lot of hot air.

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania.

At noon, when the lunch whistle blows,


Two thousand men and women immediately
stop work and leave the building.


"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor.
"You've got to stop them."


"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. <...

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He's about to blow her head open.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

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What’s the difference between a blow job and a hamburger?

If you don’t know the answer then I would like to take you to lunch.

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

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My mama is like a shotgun

Two cocks....she blows

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

The duck joke

Three ducks were arrested in a park and had to appear in court. The judge says come up one by one and state your name and what you did.

The first duck comes up and says my name is quack and I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the park. The judge says that is ridiculous you are free to go.<...

The guy at my local music shop asked me why I'm always coming in to buy new harmonicas

I told him "I blow right through them"

1 in 6 people...

find Russian roulette mind blowing.

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I heard my school's principle's husband talk about how she gives good blow jobs

She is the headmaster after all

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3 generations of prostitutes

3 generations of prostitutes are standing on a corner talking. The younger one says “You know guys out here are only paying $20 for blow jobs?”

The middle age one says “$20? Let me tell you when I started doing this guys only paid $5”

The prostitute in her 80’s perks up and says “You t...

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.

She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away....



A gentleman approached the lady and said .....

"Ma'am, ....

I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"....



The lady replied, ......

"Sir, if ...

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

Peanut in the ear (long)

A husband and wife are sitting in the living room. The husband is throwing peanuts in the air and catching then in his mouth.
The wife says something and the husband looks at her and a peanut lands in his ear. He tries to get it out but pushes it further in. The wife says let me try I have long...

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What do a sports refree and a pornstar have in common?

Their living depends on blow job

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My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.

That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.

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True love

A young man has just gotten married to his beautiful wife. Since he cannot wipe off his shit-eating grin, his friends ask him what’s going on?
“I just got the best blowjob of my damned life” he replies.

Meanwhile, the new bride cannot seem to wipe her shit-eating grin from off her face, ...

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2 short and cute NSFW Jokes

1st -
Question: How does Herman Melville (from Moby Dick) finish off all of his sex stories?

Answer: ||"And there she blows!"||


2nd -
Question: Why does the gas station attendant have a long lasting relationship with his girlfriend?

Answer: ||Cause he always knows how ...

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

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What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently,
‟Heting your dinner”
was not a good answer.

I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by.

People hate it, but I’m a fan.

Breathalyser

Did you know I’m training to be a living breathalyser? The way it works is if you’ll blow me then you’re too drunk to drive

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Guy walk into a bar and says "Bartender, give me 12 beer I'm celebrating my first blow job."

The bartender says, "Hell let me buy you one too!"

The guy, "Nah, if twelve don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think 13 will."

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives i...

Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car?

He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

A duck gets in trouble for blowing bubbles in the pond.

A flock of ducks are in a pond.
One day, a particular duck, whom we’ll call Quack, found himself upset over seeing another duck blowing bubbles in the pond.
So upset, in fact, he decides to take the duck (whose name was Waddle) to court.

Once in court, the duck is is called to the duck...

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One man is walking a tightrope. Another is getting a blow job from a 90 year old lady.

Both have the same thought at the same time. What is it?



Don’t look down.

A statistician gets on a plane.

A Statistician gets on a plane. Guy next to him says "I'm scared of flying." The statistician says "I used to be. I used to be worried about terrorists." The guy asks "How'd you stop being scared?" The statistician says "I bought a bomb on the plane." Panicked, the guy yells "What!?"

Stati...

Did you know that Marriage is like a Tornado?

At first there's all this sucking and blowing, then eventually you lose your house.

Chess, the singing parrot

This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him, “You won’t believe what this parrot Chess can do. He’s wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000.”

“That’s pretty steep,” he replies. “What’s so amazing about these...

My blow up doll is ugly as sin

But she always manages to take my breath away

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A cab driver picks up a Nun...

The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, "Excuse me sister, I've always fantasised about having sex with a nun."

The nun replies, "Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?"

"Actually I am" says the cabbie.

The nun then climbs into the front seat and giv...

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

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A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel.

“$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man.

His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.

“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.

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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree."


The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."


The missionary is plea...

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

A woman goes to dump her dads ashes in the ocean to fulfill his wishes.

When she tries to pour the ashes into the ocean, the wind blows the ash back into her eyes.


She hears her dad say "Whats wrong, you cant sea?"

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So this joke is passed around my childhood and it's in my local language I'll try my best to translate it

Three teenagers decides to take a bath in their local lake, so they get naked started bathing.
After a few minutes a strong wind blows all of their clothes away to the unknown.
Now all three look at each other thinking what to do now, then one thinks that they should get out of the lake run ...

How do you blow up a dinosaur?

With Dinomite.

My wife got really mad at breakfast.

Next thing I knew she hit me with the jar of honey. I never saw it coming.



It was a really viscous blow.

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Cletus gets his first job at a small town gas station.

One day, a big old station wagon with Texas plates shows up. He had never seen a car from Texas come in before, so he was impressed. He walks up to the driver’s side. In the front seat we’re two big cowboy looking dudes. The diver says “Fill er er up, son”. Cletus nods and heads towards the rear of...

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coffee

You know, I was on this plane once. And I'm sittin' there and the captain comes on and he does his whole, "We'll be cruising at 35,000 feet," then he puts the mike down but he forgets to turn it off. Then he turns to the copilot and goes, "You know, all I could go for right now is a fuckin' blow job...

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Sparrows

One late Fall morning at sunrise three tiny sparrows sat on a telephone wire overlooking a country road. The freezing wind blew, the wire swayed uncomfortably, and the tiny birds were cold, hungry, and pathetic.

As the sun rose, a pony clip-clopped along the road below and dropped huge pile ...

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My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job

She probably shouldn’t have been driving

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

I don't like over confident people

Edit: Thanks for the silver!

Edit2: thanks for the gold!

Edit3: thanks for the platinum!

Edit4: thanks guys! I never expected this post to blow up like it did!!

Edit5: thanks for the argentinium!

Edit6: thanks for the ternium!

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A man on a train is sitting across a sexy young lady, with a short skirt on

The young lady uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully says "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again!"
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The ...

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The mind of man

Do you believe men think with their dick?

Yeah? Want to blow my mind?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman complained to her friend she had a sore throat!

The friend replied: “Whenever I have a sore throat, I just give my husband a blow job and the soreness goes away!”

They meet the next day, and the woman says:” I took your advice! You were right, the soreness disappeared immediately! Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

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One day 3 frogs were out on the piss

One drink turned into five which turned into too many, and the next thing you know the 3 frogs are messing about in a public fountain. The police are called and they’re arrested.

Down at the police station, the frogs are taken in one by one for questioning. The first frog is called into the r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to a blonde girl, I bet you a blowjob I can sing a song with your name in it, no way says the blonde my name is Chantelle, so I bet you, Ok I said here we go....

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chantelle happy blow job for me...

Why don’t they use big fans to blow air on windmills for energy?

Engineers can’t agree on a wind-wind situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the bride smiling when she is walking down the isle?

Because she knows she has given her last blow job.

Edit-Aisle ….. cannot spell. I’m a dumbass from Florida.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American couple is looking to adopt a child...

and for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany. There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks.

"Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Vol...

This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind...

I hear it's not even a real airport!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you receive a blow job from Donald Trump?

Anal Sex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a terrorist's favorite sex toy?

A blow-up doll

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Best Man at a wedding

Notices that the groom is incredibly happy. “I know that you are happy for your wedding day, but you seem incredibly ecstatic. Why?”


“My bride to be just snuck into my room while I was getting into my tux, and she gave me the most incredible blow job. I am about to marry the most amazing ...

I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

>!Gum!<

Why did the soldier blow himself up when he found out about exploding devices

He wanted to C4 himself

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