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What’s the difference between a blow job and a sandwich?

You don’t know? Wanna go to lunch?
(Sorry if this is a repost, I looked and haven’t seen it posted before.)

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What do you call a blow job in the morning?

A head start!

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night.

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

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(NSFW) I was having mind blowing sex last night with this German girl.

It was incredible, my only concern was she kept screaming her age.

I hate blowing my nose!

It really annoys the snot out of me.

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What is a high wire walker, and a guy getting a blow job from a 100 year old woman both thinking?

Whatever you do, don't look down.

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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

Want to hear a mind blowing fact?

If this was read aloud at 240 decibels your head would explode.

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

The wind is blowing like a 50yr old woman who's been married for 30 yrs.

Intermittently and with little effort

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

My girlfriend just walked in on me blow drying my crotch.

She asked what I was doing.
Apparently, saying “Warming up your dinner!”
Wasn’t the right answer.

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t...

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

What do you call that thing you blow on and make a wish?

A breathalyzer.

It's mad windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere

So watch out for your ex.

My boss warned me that I shouldn’t blow the whistle in the office anymore. He gave me one last chance.

But unfortunately, I blew it

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Thought I was lucky when my wife said she'd give me a blow job on my birthday

Didn't know that it came with mow, weed, fertilize, and rake jobs too.

Why does this sub love it when a tornado blows over miles of fences?

Because there's a lot of reposting to do.

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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently, "Heating your dinner" wasn't a good answer.

How much blow does Charlie sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

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What's the difference between a blow job and anal? Nsfw

One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

Why did the terrorist blow up the winery?

Because it was full of Zinfandels.

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He's about to blow her head open.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

You know what blows my mind?

Dynamite

I don't know how to tell my wife of 15 years that she's been using her teeth WAY too often when she goes down on me.

How do I soften the blow?

My uncle once killed in an entire circus troupe with one blow

When I asked him how he did it, he said:

“I went straight for the juggler”

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A man gets a blow job from a woman at work.

Feeling guilty, he runs to the nearest church looking to confess his sins. He checks the confessional but the priest is nowhere to be found. He sees an alter boy and thinks maybe he’ll know what punishment the priest usually gives for infidelity.

He approaches the alter boy and says “Hey ki...

Did you ever blow bubbles when you were a kid?

Well he's back in town and wants your new number

*heard That from The Amazing Johnathan

What do you call a monster that blows?

A windigo

Two scientists are studying a volcano. One says 'yep, she's gonna blow'.

The other says 'nevermind her, what about the volcano?'

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A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, ...

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The terrorist said he wanted to blow the whole world

So I helped him start by letting him suck my dick

A terrorist tried to blow up a bus..

He failed, he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.

Remember, if a Communist is blowing up something, it is not your bomb or my bomb

it Tsar bomb

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The wife was crying after the greatest mind blowing sex ever.

I guess I shouldn't have called and told her about it.

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

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The chicks at my junior highschool are awesome - today the hottest girl in my English class passed me a note saying she would blow me after school.

I fuckin love my new teaching job!

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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

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Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

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My mate went to Holland and bought me back a life size blow up dolly that gives blow jobs. I thought that's nice.

Two Lips from Amsterdam.

Some people say I'm really good at blowing air around the room

But honestly, I'm not a fan

My friend asked me to go to an air blowing convention...

But I’m not really a fan

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Frenchman are walking through the jungle...

They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.

As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says

“This river sacred ground... you trespass on sacred ...

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A REALLY BAD JOKE

My uncle : Man I just found out my son is gay

Me : Man that blows LOL...Haha.. geddit?..blowjob??

My uncle : not really we prefer anal

Me : what?!

Gay uncle : what?

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A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and orders a scotch, he takes a few sips and notices a jar filled with 20 dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, " what's with the jar?" The bartender replies, "you put in a 20 to enter, if you complete the 3 challenges I give you, you get all the money in the jar." The guy...

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy...

....it feels good but then you look down and realize you’re gay.

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Son: Dad, today I had my first blow job

Dad: (proudly) So how was it son?

Son: Tasted aweful

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Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class.

He kept blowing up the pentagons.

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Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

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So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work in oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to th...

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

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A male whale and a female whale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

I saw a guy trying to blow himself up

Don't believe me? Go and C 4 yourselves.

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What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory?

Reeses pieces

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How is doing sexual favors for drugs like a boxing match?

They're both blow for blow

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

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When a women buys a dildo, it's a bit of naughty fun!

But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring....

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

I guess it's time to get myself a new blow-up doll.

This one's nearly full.

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her...

Blowing Bubbles

Four men are brought into a courtroom.

The first man walks up to his stand and the judge asks his him "what did you do?" The man responds "I was blowing bubbles in the park". The judge, clearly shocked, exclaims "why would you get arrested for that? You're free to go".

The second man ...

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A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the best blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

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My friend asked me what the definition of trust is

So i told him "two cannibals giving each other blow jobs"

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

Why do trees in Wisconsin lean south East?

Because the Bears suck and the Vikings blow

How do you blow an anti vaxxers mind?

Invent the cure for autism

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

My girlfriend keeps trying to blow me when I'm on the treadmill

Worst running gag of all time

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

When I was a kid, I used to blow bubbles all the time.

But I just heard he's been released from prison and has been asking around for me...

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?

You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

It begins with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you still loose your house

You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

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Three women are talking about blowing their husbands...

First one says: every time I give my husband a blow job his balls are cold.

Second one: Same here dear, every time I give my husband a blow job his balls are cold as well.
Third woman remains quite.

After few days the women were getting together again, the third woman shows up with...

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A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

If I was ever in a war...

instead of throwing a hand grenade, I think I'd throw one of those tiny pumpkins...

Maybe, the other person would see that pumpkin and think about how dumb war is. About all the other things we could be doing like going on walks, drinking a beer, and spending time with loved ones.

And...

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So I bought this sex doll online from an ex ISIS guy.

Really easy, these dolls blow themselves up!

Summer in my city makes me feel like a super rock star

Everyday I have this fan blowing my balls

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What did the pirate say when a prostitute was sucking his dick?

"Thar she blows."

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I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

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What’s the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?

One’s a Goodyear and the other’s a great year.

Lane Oliver is blowing up!

The song "Surrender to the fire" is #1 in the french charts

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

What did the explosives specialist say when he was about to hit the switch on his first bomb?

Please let this blow up

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There was a man who loved tractors...

This man was literally obsessed with tractors. He fucking LOVED tractors. He lived tractors, his life was eat, sleep, tractors. However, one day, he fell off a tractor and broke his leg. After that, he hated tractors and never went near one again.

A few years later, the man came home from the...

My dad asked if I remembered blowing bubbles as a child

He then informed me Bubbles is out of prison and wants to visit me

How do you make a candle really happy?

Blow it out, it’ll be delighted.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

What did native Americans use to blow their nose?

Their tee-pee

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My wife is always blowing things out of proportion.

Yesterday it was our neighbour Leroy's cock.

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