My wife has a new thing. She likes me to blow on her face while we make love...

I'm not a fan

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A man gets a blow job from a woman at work.

Feeling guilty, he runs to the nearest church looking to confess his sins. He checks the confessional but the priest is nowhere to be found. He sees an alter boy and thinks maybe he’ll know what punishment the priest usually gives for infidelity.

He approaches the alter boy and says “Hey ki...

A terrorist was told to blow up a car.

He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

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Son: Dad, today I had my first blow job

Dad: (proudly) So how was it son?

Son: Tasted aweful

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Crocs and blow jobs

Crocs are like getting a blow job by a guy. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

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Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.

I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

My girlfriend asked me why I was blow-drying my crotch...

Apparently "heating your dinner" was not the response she was looking for.

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What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory?

Reeses pieces

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When I was little, my Mom would always tell me: "If something's hot, blow on it."

On a side note, I just got arrested for sexual harassment today.

I saw a guy trying to blow himself up

Don't believe me? Go and C 4 yourselves.

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Welp I went and got a $100 bill tattooed on my dick..

I heard women like to blow money.

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Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

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He's about to blow her head open.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

When I was a kid, I used to blow bubbles all the time.

But I just heard he's been released from prison and has been asking around for me...

Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

How do you blow an anti vaxxers mind?

Invent the cure for autism

You know those joke candles that you blow out, and a couple of seconds later they light up again?

Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them and. . .

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Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

My leaf blower doesn’t work

It just sucks!

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

My girlfriend keeps trying to blow me when I'm on the treadmill

Worst running gag of all time

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Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

What did native Americans use to blow their nose?

Their tee-pee

If you blow hard enough...

You can make something go away from you or come towards you.

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What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

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I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

Did you blow it at work?

I hope the promotion was worth the dignity hit.

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One day a husband comes home from work . . .

. . . and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a ne...

What happened to the Pollack that tried to blow up a car?

He burnt his lips on the tail pipe

I got arrested for saying I’m gonna blow up a bathroom

I just wanted to take a sit

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What’s the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?

One’s a Goodyear and the other’s a great year.

What kind of cat looks super fierce, but runs off scared to pieces when you blow air in its face?

A dandy lion.

A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virg...

What do you call someone who chokes on a blow pop?

A lollygagger!

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My girl walked in on me while I was blow drying my dick and asked "wtf are you doing?"

Apparently, "heating your dinner" wasnt the right answer.

How many Nascar drivers does it take to blow up a jet dryer?

Just Juan

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A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesic...

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

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What’s the difference between an egg, cancer and a blow job? NSFW

You can beat an egg, you can beat cancer but you just can’t beat a blow job.

The news reports of a Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus...

Poor guy...burned his lips on the exhaust pipe...

Did any of you use to blow bubbles as a kid?

Well he’s back in town and asking about you.

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A 25 year old guy was walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while halfway around the world another 25 year old guy was getting a blow job from a 70 year old woman, at the exact same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought..

Don't look down!!

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I bought a blow up sex doll yesterday

But had to return it because she turned out to be a lesbian

Why did Melania blow Donald Trump?

She thought if she kissed a toad he'd finally become a prince.

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Why do the British give terrible blow jobs?

The stiff upper lip.

I hate it when I blow a guy for a really long time, but he doesn't cum...

It's like that Coldplay song,
"when you try your best, but you don't suck seed"

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What's the difference between a blow job and anal sex?

A blow job makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!

Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles.

The opposing knight was defeeted.

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The best blow job I ever got was in junior high.

God I love being a teacher

Remember when you were younger and you'd blow Bubbles?

I talked to him at the circus and he said to call him.

What do you call it when someone blows up a Chinese restaurant?

Wonton destruction.

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What do you call an unfinished blow job?

A bluejob.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Hey, I got something that will blow your mind!" the lady said to the man...

"No shit, that's why I hired a psychic prostitute."

A little boy says to his sister: "Guess what sis, I have two Blow Pops!"

Sister: "Oh thank God, that means he won't make me do it tonight."

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What do men enjoy most about a blowjob?

The peace and the quiet.

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

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What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blow Up Dolls.

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat\-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow\-up" dolls instead....

My girfriends a blow up doll

She takes my breath away

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

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NSFW Husband: “Can I get a blow job?”

Me: “I’m too tired for all that Jazz”

Husband: “Then pretend like it’s techno and give it a good beat.”

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