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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.

"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"

"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with...

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I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife

She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.

What body part varies in size, smells, and gets sore if you blow it too much?

A nose.

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I bought a lifelike blow up sex doll, it was so realistic it was like the real thing, I got carried away and gave it a love bite.

It farted and went down on me.

My girlfriend keeps trying to blow me when I'm on the treadmill

Worst running gag of all time

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Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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why is being in the military like a blow job??

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

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What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?

You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

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One day a husband comes home from work . . .

. . . and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, my car won't start. I think it needs a ne...

A Muslim suicide bomber walks into a crowd of infidels and blows himself up.

He is immediately transported to Paradise, where he finds himself surrounded by seventy-two of the ugliest women anyone has ever laid eyes upon. The suicide bomber is crestfallen.

"C'mon, think it through," Allah pats him sympathetically on the shoulder. "Why do you think they're still virg...

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What’s the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?

One’s a Goodyear and the other’s a great year.

What do you call someone who chokes on a blow pop?

A lollygagger!

Did you blow it at work?

I hope the promotion was worth the dignity hit.

What kind of cat looks super fierce, but runs off scared to pieces when you blow air in its face?

A dandy lion.

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Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy...

....it feels good but then you look down and realize you’re gay.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

The news reports of a Polish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus...

Poor guy...burned his lips on the exhaust pipe...

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My girl walked in on me while I was blow drying my dick and asked "wtf are you doing?"

Apparently, "heating your dinner" wasnt the right answer.

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A 25 year old guy was walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while halfway around the world another 25 year old guy was getting a blow job from a 70 year old woman, at the exact same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought..

Don't look down!!

Why did Melania blow Donald Trump?

She thought if she kissed a toad he'd finally become a prince.

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Why do the British give terrible blow jobs?

The stiff upper lip.

Did any of you use to blow bubbles as a kid?

Well he’s back in town and asking about you.

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What’s the difference between an egg, cancer and a blow job? NSFW

You can beat an egg, you can beat cancer but you just can’t beat a blow job.

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

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I bought a blow up sex doll yesterday

But had to return it because she turned out to be a lesbian

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

I hate it when I blow a guy for a really long time, but he doesn't cum...

It's like that Coldplay song,
"when you try your best, but you don't suck seed"

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What's the difference between a blow job and anal sex?

A blow job makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak!

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A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesic...

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One last blow job

Some soldiers are deep in enemy lines and life's luck looks like it's about to run out. "Hey fellas before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?" The other soldiers are stunned. "No!" "Absolutely not!" "Go jack off or do what ever but we don't want any part of it!!" "Fin...

Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles.

The opposing knight was defeeted.

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The best blow job I ever got was in junior high.

God I love being a teacher

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Bought myself one of those blow up sex dolls the other day..

I bit her and she went down on me.

Remember when you were younger and you'd blow Bubbles?

I talked to him at the circus and he said to call him.

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What do you call an unfinished blow job?

A bluejob.

What do you call it when someone blows up a Chinese restaurant?

Wonton destruction.

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"Hey, I got something that will blow your mind!" the lady said to the man...

"No shit, that's why I hired a psychic prostitute."

A little boy says to his sister: "Guess what sis, I have two Blow Pops!"

Sister: "Oh thank God, that means he won't make me do it tonight."

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NSFW Husband: “Can I get a blow job?”

Me: “I’m too tired for all that Jazz”

Husband: “Then pretend like it’s techno and give it a good beat.”

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Some people are really good at blow jobs...

... but I just suck at it.

My girfriends a blow up doll

She takes my breath away

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Blow Up Dolls.

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat\-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow\-up" dolls instead....

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly last night.”

“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”

“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

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What do men enjoy most about a blowjob?

The peace and the quiet.

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My wife asked if I would rather give up cheese or blow jobs for the rest of my life.

Bye filatio!

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

"Grow up Karen"

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My wife found a video in my phone of me getting a blow job.

She yelled, "Who the fuck is this giving you head?"

I said, "How do you know it's not you?"

She replied, "Because whoever it is has a beard."

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After six months of marriage I now realize why my wife was so happy on our wedding day.

She knew she had given her last blowjob

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Did you hear about the woman who died after giving a blow job?

Apparently she had a nut allergy

What do you get if you blow up a monkey?

Rhesus Pieces.

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

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What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

I walked into a bar and saw this girl wearing a Falcons jersey.

I walked up and introduced myself as, "25 point lead".

"Is that your real name?", she asked.

I said, "No, but I figured anyone wearing a Falcons jersey would blow a 25 point lead."

A bodybuilder meets a woman at a bar, ...

and after a number of drinks, they agreed to go back to his place.

As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of Dynamite!"
...

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Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

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Last night I asked my wife to wake me up with a blow job

Today I'm working in a cocaine factory

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For an old man's 98th birthday,

his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Gra...

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Blow Hard

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

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Sex education

Dave's wife said to him, "If our kids are old enough to ask a question about sex, then they are old enough to be told a truthful answer."
Just then his son came home from school and asked him what a blow job was.
"Son," said Dave, "I can't remember."

My friend said he wondered what it's like to blow up...

So I handed him explosives and said "Here, go C4 yourself."