A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.

His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.

The boy continues.
"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives i...

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

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What do you call it when you receive a blow job from Donald Trump?

Anal Sex.

This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind...

I hear it's not even a real airport!

Did you ever blow bubbles when you were a kid?

He’s back in town and wants your number.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

My girlfriend confided in me she loves when I blow air on her when she's hot,

but honestly, I’m not a fan.

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What electrical appliance gives the worst blow jobs?

Garbage disposals

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

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My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.

That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

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A male whale and a female whale are swimming were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
...

How does Captain Hook blow off steam?

Beats Smee

I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

>!Gum!<

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What's the best part about a blow job?

The peace and quiet.

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A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"


The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

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Blow Job

A son runs up to his father and says dad I got my first blow job. The dad says that's great how was it? The son said it tasted terrible.

How did the coronavirus blow a 100-10 lead on racism in the United States?

Because racism has the home-field advantage.

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My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating your dinner" is NOT the right answer.

At a family get together I asked my 14 year old nephew, " Ryan did you blow bubbles when you were growing up?"

"No"

"Well he's in town and he said he was looking for you".

I was forcefully arrested for blowing bubbles outside.

Even Bubbles was speechless.

I guess working in the Mute Society just isn’t for me.

What are those things you blow to make a wish?

Sugar daddies

I was so drunk last night I started blowing chunks when I finally got home

"Bro, dont worry, happens to everyone"

"Na, bro, you dont understand... Chunks is my dog"

What did the redditor say after blowing up a bank?

Wow! This blew up. Thanks for the gold kind strangers

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A guy goes to the bar and orders 5 shots of Whiskey....

....the bartender asks, “Is the rest of the party parking, or...?”

Guy replies, “No, actually, they’re all for me. Had my first blow job today.”

Bartender says, “No shit! Lemme line up a sixth, on the house!”

Guy says, “Don’t bother, if five don’t kill the taste, nothing will.”

My dad thought OnlyFans was a webstore that just sold air conditioning units.

I suppose you can still find something on there to spin around and blow you.

A power plant blows up near a aquarium...

and I had to be the one to tell my boss about the mutated eels. After I gathered all my courage, I said to him

“Sir, the eels have fur all over them and are humanoid too!”

My boss looked so surprised and asked

“Fur-eel man?”

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

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He's about to blow her head open.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

Why did the terrorist blonde fail to blow up a van?

She burned her mouth on the exhaust pipe.

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People get really annoyed when I stand in one corner of my therapist’s office and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a big fan.

I took my blow up doll back to the shop, and said

"I only had this blown up for half an hour and it went down on me!"

The guy was most unsympathetic and said that if he'd known that, he'd have charged me an extra $30.

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors

Are you with me shofar?

You know a great mind blowing game

Russian roulette

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A woman walked into a man’s house with a gun...

She pointed the gun at the man and said “let me suck your dick or I’ll blow your head off.”

The man complied, and she proceeded to forcibly suck his dick for 4 hours, until he was raw, sore, and whimpering.

She then got up and stormed out.

The man waited a few minutes, curled o...

My wife likes to say marrying me was like winning the lottery...

I like to remind her that most lottery winners blow their winnings.

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts. It's going to be one hell of a blow job.

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I have a ton of jokes about blow jobs

But all of them suck......

Want a mind-blowing game?

Let's play Russian Roulette

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night.

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Did you hear Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving a blow job?

Apparently.

"The super colour lipstick makes the dicks go all atrocious"

Three men go to heaven

Three men go to heaven. God says that they can each do 1 sin before they can bathe in the holy water. The first man blows up a bridge. He bathes in the holy water. The second man kidnaps a dog. He bathes In the holy water. When it’s the third mans turn, he starts laughing super hard. God asks, “what...

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What do you call a cheap blowjob?

a low blow

Son: Dad why does mom have balloons in her chest?

Dad: Ummmm, you blow them up when your mom dies so that she can fly to heaven

Son: Oh ok

*THE NEXT DAY*

Son (on phone): Dad come home quick mom is dying!

Dad: Wait what happened?

Son: Uncle John is blowing her balloons!

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Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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What’s the difference between your penis and your Christmas bonus?

Your wife will blow your Christmas Bonus.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

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A grown up man walks into a bar, orders three shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

Right a‌‌fter t‌‌hem c‌‌ome f‌‌our s‌‌hots o‌‌f J‌‌aegermeister a‌‌nd f‌‌ive o‌‌f a‌‌bsinthe.

The b‌‌artender s‌‌ays, "‌‌Whoa t‌‌here b‌‌uddy. T‌‌hat's a‌‌ l‌‌ot o‌‌f s‌‌hots. W‌‌hat's g‌‌oing o‌‌n?"

The m‌‌an r‌‌eplies, "‌‌You k‌‌now, I‌‌ t‌‌urned 5‌‌0 t‌‌oday a‌‌nd I'm celebrating my...

Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....

Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".

"Yes Father" Says Rosy.

"How is your husband and the little ones ?"

"Husband is fine but so far, no children".

Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. ...

What happened to the Blonde who tried to blow up a School Bus?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Pleasure was blowing bubbles

Bubbles came in Pleasure

Did you hear the one about the Polish terrorist they sent to blow up a car?

He burnt his mouth on the tail pipe

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t...

How are marriage and a hurricane similar?

In the beginning theres lots of blowing and in the end you lose your house.

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What is a high wire walker, and a guy getting a blow job from a 100 year old woman both thinking?

Whatever you do, don't look down.

A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other...

The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here."

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he...

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A woman gets pulled over by a policeman for suspected drunk driving.

“Madam, you’re suspected for drunk driving. Please blow this for me for a breath alcohol test.”

“What the hell? That’s your penis, not the breathalyser!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were drunk.”

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(NSFW) I was having mind blowing sex last night with this German girl.

It was incredible, my only concern was she kept screaming her age.

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

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My wife said "If men gave birth they'd care more about the family"

I said "If men gave birth they'd blow their cocks off".

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A young Arab boy asks his father.

Boy: "What is that strange hat you are wearing?"

Father: "It protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."

Boy: "And what is that long flowing robe you are wearing?"

Father: "This is a 'djellaba.' it protects the entire body from the heat and blowing sand.

Boy: Bu...

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

My kids are running around blowing a party noisemaker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight-faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.



\*\*Originally posted r/DadJokes last night but I thought a wider audience might appreciate this as well. \*\*

What's the worst thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson

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Three young women were gossiping about their sex lives

'I noticed some time ago', said the first one about her boyfriend, 'that Tom's balls are cold while giving him a bj'.

'That's funny,' says the second one. 'I noticed the same thing with Peter's balls!'

The third one says: 'I never really paid attention to that. I'm gonna try it out wit...

The Exam

Three Highschool Sr's decided to blow off their final exam for their logic class, and spend the day getting wasted.

When they returned to class the next day they explained to the professor that they were unable to get to class the day before due to a flat tire and no cell phone coverage in th...

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A man wants to buy an inflatable sex doll

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?” The customer says, “Female” The counter guy asks, “Black or white?” The customer says, “White” The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?” The customer says, “What the hell does religion...

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A horny man goes to Amsterdam...

... and immediately to a brothel. He's escorted to a room where a gorgeous lady awaits him. He asks her:

\- How are your hand jobs?

She points to the window and says:

\- Do you see that Maybach outside?

The man nods.

\- I earned it only with my hand jobs. In my fi...

What is the difference between a normal blow up doll and an Arabian blow up doll?

Arabian ones blow themselves up.

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What do you call a Canadian Prostitute who specializes in blow jobs?

A Leaf Blower

A pirate with a peg leg, eye patch, and a hook hand walks into a bar and sits down beside a curious patron

They begin a conversation and the patron asks

"How did you get the peg leg?"

Pirate says "several years ago me first mate led a mutiny against me! Me whole crew threw me overboard and a shark came and tore me leg right off. Several hours later I got lucky and found a passing vessel to ...

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What's the difference between a blow job and anal? Nsfw

One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give...

3 ducks appear in court

Duck (a) stands in front of the judge .. as the judge looks down he asks ... Do you know why you're here ? ... Yes replied the duck .. I was blowing bubbles in the park and the next thing I know I'm getting arrested .. the judge looks shocked and drops all charges

Duck (b) gets called to the...

Girls say we think with our d¡cks...

...so blow our minds!

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My favourite sex position is the 68

You give me a blow job and I owe you one

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!"

The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartend...

JFK is back!

He certainly has some mind-blowing stories to tell us!

I finally realised that my parents favour my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

Why did the rooster go to the basketball game?

He heard that they blow fouls there.

Why do terrorists hate telemarketers?

The telemarketers keep blowing up their phones at meetings.

Men are like Nintendo cartridges

You blow them, they're allright.

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

A kid asked his mom “Mom, what’s sperm?”

The mom then think for a while and respond :
“It’s baby when they are not born yet.”

The kid’s birthday came and when he was about to blow out the candle, he yelled :

“I wish mom had more sperm in her belly.”

Young Timmy asks his mother a question.

"Mummy?" begins Timmy

"Yes, Timmy?" she responds, a smile on her face.

"Why do you jump up and down on Daddy's tummy in bed at night?"

Slightly shocked, she held her composure. "Well, Timmy, it's because I'm pushing all of the air out of Daddy's tummy so that it doesn't look so ...

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MEAT, DOG, WIFE OR BLOW JOB. WHICH ONE IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS ?

BLOW JOB. BECAUSE YOU CAN BEAT YOUR WIFE, DOG AND MEAT BUT NOTHING BEATS A BLOW JOB.

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A man went fishing on beautiful sunday morning.

On his way there he passed couple of women walking to a church.

"Oh I see you are going fishing, but why do you need this brick?"

Says one of the women pointing at his hand.

"Well that's my secret, but I can tell you this secret for a blow job"

"You are disgusting!" Woma...

What does a train conductor do when he’s angry?

He blows off some steam

Do you know why women fart after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy...

....it feels good but then you look down and realize you’re gay.

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The only tattoo I would ever get is a $100 bill right on my penis.

That way if my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks she doesn’t need to leave the house.

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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

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A man gets a blow job from a woman at work.

Feeling guilty, he runs to the nearest church looking to confess his sins. He checks the confessional but the priest is nowhere to be found. He sees an alter boy and thinks maybe he’ll know what punishment the priest usually gives for infidelity.

He approaches the alter boy and says “Hey ki...

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What did the Hurricane say to the Coconut tree?

"Better hold on to your nuts, cause this ain't gonna be an ordinary blowjob."

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Moby Dick and his girlfriend

Tilt a boat over by blowing on it, causing the sailors to fall overboard. When he suggest they eat the sailors, his girlfriend said.

'Look, I already helped you with the blowjob, but I am not going to swallow the seamen.'

Why does this sub love it when a tornado blows over miles of fences?

Because there's a lot of reposting to do.

Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

I told a joke about a fat man and a little boy once

Didn’t really expect it to blow up like it did

(Sorry if someone’s made this joke before)

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