The 105+ Best Blow Jokes

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Why do men love blow jobs so much?

It's the only way to get inside of a womans head!!

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

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My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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My best friend Kevin is a legend. He went out and got three blow jobs.

Then he came over to give me one. What a friend!

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

What do zombies blow thier noses with?

Human tissue!

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My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing.

Apparently,
"Heating your dinner"
wasn't a good answer.

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by...

Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

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What food makes women stop giving blow jobs?

Wedding cake

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One last blow job

Some soldiers are deep in enemy lines and life's luck looks like it's about to run out. "Hey fellas before I die, I want one last blow job. Will one of you guys help me out?" The other soldiers are stunned. "No!" "Absolutely not!" "Go jack off or do what ever but we don't want any part of it!!" "Fin...

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old...

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy...

....it feels good but then you look down and realize you’re gay.

How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

Put it into airplane mode.

Why do you blow in a trumpet?

Because it sounds better if you don't suck.

Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid?

He says hi

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

What are those things you blow and your wish comes true?

Oh yeah… sugar daddies…

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.

She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

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A priest and a rabbi are traveling in a airplane full of kids when the engine blows up...

...It is an emergency and the plane is going to crash. They both rush to don the only 2 emergency parachutes.

Rabbi: We are holy men. We deserve to live.

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids.

Priest: Do you think there is time?

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Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

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If sex can get a woman pregnant, what can a blow job get a woman?

Jewelry

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly

I'm not a fan.

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Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job.

I hope it's me this year!

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Why did you break up with your girlfriend? You described the sex as mind blowing?

That's right. She didn't mind blowing other guys.

Why did the vegan blow up the butcher shop?

She was just trying to make meats end.

My girlfriend doesn't like it when I ask her to blow cool air on me

She is not a fan.

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If a man fails to blow up a building, but gives good sex advice, what will people say about him?

This Guy Fawkes.

Could you imagine if Steve Jobs first name was blow

His current business model would suck.

It blows when i...

Read read as read and not read, so i have to re-read read as read so i can read read correctly and it can make sense

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I woke up to a cheeky blow job this morning.

That’s the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.

What's the worst thing a woman can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson.

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

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Jim Bob and the Blow Job Frog

A man is selling frogs in a box for $100 each. A sign says “Blow Job Frogs $100”.

Jim Bob walks up and looks in the box “No way one of those frogs is worth $100.”

Salesman “Take one down the alley and try it; If you don’t like it put it back and leave.”

Jim Bob does and comes b...

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It was my school reunion at the weekend, and the main topic of conversation was still about the stunning supply teacher we had one day in the early eighties who gave a lad a blow job in front of the entire class.

She went down in history.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

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Blow Hard

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Any good mechanic will tell you that it's very easy to blow a seal...

However, most zoologists disagree ;)

Blowing up a Balloon.

My niece had a premature baby that spent 2 weeks on a ventilator because her lungs were not fully developed yet. She continued to have breathing problems as a toddler and needed to you inhalers to get enough oxygen.
On her 3rd birthday, she insisted on helping her mom decorate for her party. And ...

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What do you call an equestrian that has never received a blow job?

A Headless Horseman!

I like how the girl that called me a “loser” in high school is now blowing up my phone

She sends me things like “what are your plans for dinner” and “Your dad and I are going out for dinner there’s food in the fridge”

A girl told me to blow my load on her face...

But when I tried, it just dribbled out and she started laughing.

I said "Hey! Don't make fun of my shortcomings."

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I went fishing and asked a girl for a blow job.

She said 'Get Reel'.

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t...

A man in his mid forties brought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW", he thought to himself and increased the speed even further.

The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally the reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from ...

Did you hear about the man who blows his nose and interprets the snot as prophecies?

His name is Nostrildamus

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Why did Hitler blows his brains out?...

Because he saw his gas bill.

Also this joke isn't funny, one of my family members died in a concentration camp.

He went to take a piss and fell out of a tower.

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A golfer knows which way the wind is blowing by employing a clever tactic involving grass.

But it must be a pain in the ass to lug around a bong.

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Blowing Bubbles

There is this door in an ally. Three guys walk out of it. A curious man asked the first guy," what were you doing in there"? The man answered "I was blowing bubbles" The curious man asks the second guy what he was doing, and the man answered, "I was blowing bubbles". Then the curious man said, "...

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A man said he would blow up a bathroom without a bomb.

I was wondering how he would do that… and then it shit me.

making fun of a persons deceased mother is a low blow.

btw, the lowest blow I've ever gotten was from your mom.

I quite enjoy blowing air around a room.

In fact, I'm a big fan.

Why did the NPC blow himself up?

He was sceptical, hence he wanted to C4 himself

If you find a bomb that blows up when stepped on, please let me know.

It's mine.

My first two wives died from eating poisonous mushrooms, the third one died from a blow to the head.

She didn't want to eat the mushrooms.

Did you ever blow bubbles in the tub when you were a kid?

Because, I saw Bubbles the other day. He's doing well and asked about you.

The shrill of a woman can cause a glass to blow it's top.

But some glass is well tempered.

You can blow your nose, you can blow your friends

but you can't blow your friend's nose

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What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year old woman and walking a tightrope?

In both cases, you really don't want to look down.

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I had a huge home party last night and I was unpleasantly woken up by a surprise blow job.

Next time I'll sleep with my mouth closed.

After my best friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow.

Then I secretly taught it to say, "Daniel, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"

The shop I normally go to to blow up my balloons has increased their price by 50%

That's inflation for you.

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The drink "blow job" it's inaccurate.

If it was even close most women would spit it out.

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

Did you blow bubbles as a kid?

Well, just so you know, he is back in town for the weekend and was asking for your number.

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Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose?

Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

A pastor decides to blow off his Sunday service and go golfing.

"See that?" St Peter says to God, pointing down at the errant preacher teeing up at the first hole.

"Yup" says God, "I'll fix him, the little truant!"

WIth that, God waves his arm, and the vicar tees off.

The ball hits a tree, flies straight up in the air, where it's caught by a...

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Possible repost but... Why does a bride smile at her wedding?

Because she knows that she has given her last blowjob.

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What's the difference between a blow job and anal? Nsfw

One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes...

Which month really blows?

August

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

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Guy walk into a bar and says "Bartender, give me 12 beer I'm celebrating my first blow job."

The bartender says, "Hell let me buy you one too!"

The guy, "Nah, if twelve don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think 13 will."

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What’s the difference between a blow job and a hamburger?

If you don’t know the answer then I would like to take you to lunch.

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car?

He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.
The man explains the situation, and the daughter's date says, "I can get the peanut out."
He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father's nose, and tells him to blow hard.
The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.
Af...

I passed out drunk at a party and I woke up to some random dude blowing me....

I yell at him angrily "As soon as you're finished, I'm kicking your ass!"

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What does drinking kombucha and giving blow jobs have in common?

If you've ever finished one properly, you already know.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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NSFW So this girl finishes giving a well-hung man a very rigorous blow-job.

... Her jaw aches, her eyes are watery, and her throat hurts. But she thought it would all be worth it, yet the guy just zips up & starts to walk away. "Hey!" She says, her voice still a little raspy from the deed. "You said if I gave you head you'd buy me a pony!"

"No," he replie...

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Blowing Smoke

Two Firemen were having anal sex in a smoke filled room. Suddenly, the Fire Chief walks in. "What the hell is going on here?" asks the Chief.
The 1st Fireman tries to explain that his partner had "Smoke Inhalation".
The Chiefs yells, "You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation".<...

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Blow-up dolls

I went to my local sex shop last night to get a new blow-up doll. As I was looking at them the clerk came up to me and asked if I needed help?

I said yes and he asked if I wanted a male or female?

I said a female and he asked blonde or brunette?

I said blonde. The...

How do you blow out your birthday candles during a pandemic?

You don't. There is no cake. The party is canceled!

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One man is walking a tightrope. Another is getting a blow job from a 90 year old lady.

Both have the same thought at the same time. What is it?

Don’t look down.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

My blow up doll is ugly as sin

But she always manages to take my breath away

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

How do you blow up a dinosaur?

With Dinomite.

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A young man goes up to his father and asks him, "Can i have twenty bucks for a blow job?"

Father replies, " i don't know, are you any good?"

Remember when you were young and you used to blow bubbles?

Well I heard he's out of prison and he's been looking for you...

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My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job

She probably shouldn’t have been driving

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

This new JFK conspiracy will blow your mind...

I hear it's not even a real airport!

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