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What electrical appliance gives the worst blow jobs?

Garbage disposals

How does Captain Hook blow off steam?

Beats Smee

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What's the best part about a blow job?

The peace and quiet.

I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

>!Gum!<

How did the coronavirus blow a 100-10 lead on racism in the United States?

Because racism has the home-field advantage.

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A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

What are those things you blow to make a wish?

Sugar daddies

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What do tight rope walking and getting a blow job from an 80 year old woman have in common?

Just don't look down

I was forcefully arrested for blowing bubbles outside.

Even Bubbles was speechless.

I guess working in the Mute Society just isn’t for me.

I was so drunk last night I started blowing chunks when I finally got home

"Bro, dont worry, happens to everyone"

"Na, bro, you dont understand... Chunks is my dog"

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My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.

That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.

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My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating your dinner" is NOT the right answer.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"


The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

What did the redditor say after blowing up a bank?

Wow! This blew up. Thanks for the gold kind strangers

At a family get together I asked my 14 year old nephew, " Ryan did you blow bubbles when you were growing up?"

"No"

"Well he's in town and he said he was looking for you".

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Blow Job

A son runs up to his father and says dad I got my first blow job. The dad says that's great how was it? The son said it tasted terrible.

I took my blow up doll back to the shop, and said

"I only had this blown up for half an hour and it went down on me!"

The guy was most unsympathetic and said that if he'd known that, he'd have charged me an extra $30.

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People get really annoyed when I stand in one corner of my therapist’s office and blow air at people.

Everyone hates it, but I’m a big fan.

Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors

Are you with me shofar?

Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

You know a great mind blowing game

Russian roulette

Want a mind-blowing game?

Let's play Russian Roulette

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I have a ton of jokes about blow jobs

But all of them suck......

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Did you hear Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving a blow job?

Apparently.

"The super colour lipstick makes the dicks go all atrocious"

Why did the terrorist blonde fail to blow up a van?

She burned her mouth on the exhaust pipe.

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

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He's about to blow her head open.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'l...

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What did the Hurricane say to the Coconut tree?

"Better hold on to your nuts, cause this ain't gonna be an ordinary blowjob."

Pleasure was blowing bubbles

Bubbles came in Pleasure

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What do you call a blow job in the morning?

A head start!

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blow job would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a cock to suck at this time of night.

Did you hear the one about the Polish terrorist they sent to blow up a car?

He burnt his mouth on the tail pipe

My kids are running around blowing a party noisemaker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight-faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.



\*\*Originally posted r/DadJokes last night but I thought a wider audience might appreciate this as well. \*\*

What's the worst thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson

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Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

Do you know why women fart after they pee?

They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.

What happened to the Blonde who tried to blow up a School Bus?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Girls say we think with our d¡cks...

...so blow our minds!

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give...

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So a girl comes in late to class...

The teacher asks her “why are you late?”

Girl replies, “I was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.”

Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: “and why are you late?”

Girl replies, “I was out blowing bubbles.”

Once again, another girl comes into class la...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

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Two dyslexics with machine guns run into a bank and yell

Air in the hands
Mother stickers this is a fuck up

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An old man was sitting on a train...

across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was going commando

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised t...

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t...

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(NSFW) I was having mind blowing sex last night with this German girl.

It was incredible, my only concern was she kept screaming her age.

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What do you call a Canadian Prostitute who specializes in blow jobs?

A Leaf Blower

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What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?

Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

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An old.. dirty whaling joke.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

One round of Russian roulette gives you better-than-even odds of surviving, but consequences of not surviving is....

Mind Blowing!

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[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

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So there's a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.

One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars...

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What's the difference between a blow job and anal? Nsfw

One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

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So I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open

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THE GIFT

*trust me its too long to be worth reading.*

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by...

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

A kids tells his mom “Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night”

The mother replies “Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out”

The kid thinks for a moment and says “I know why it isn’t working then, the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into ...

An Irish Whaler (Long)

There was once an Irish whaler. Like Ahab, he had a particular nemesis whom he had hunted most of his life. Old and gnarled, he declared one more quest to vanquish his foe before descending into his Mother Earth.

Unlike Ahab however, revenge was not his only motive. This particular whale a...

Here is a miner's life

Edit: OMG thanks for the gold and the silver I didn't expect it to blow up

Yeah thats the joke its lame

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

I hate blowing my nose!

It really annoys the snot out of me.

In the 90s, most Europeans were tall, slender, relatively in shape. However, Brits were out of shape, their bodies blowing up, like a balloon. Scientists have now identified the reason behind this phenomena:

The Irish Republican Army

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

Why does this sub love it when a tornado blows over miles of fences?

Because there's a lot of reposting to do.

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MEAT, DOG, WIFE OR BLOW JOB. WHICH ONE IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS ?

BLOW JOB. BECAUSE YOU CAN BEAT YOUR WIFE, DOG AND MEAT BUT NOTHING BEATS A BLOW JOB.

My 5 y/o daughter is always making up jokes that often make no sense. She had success with this one liner last night.

She said, "Hey dad, if you were a bubble, you could blow yourself."

Gave us a good laugh.

In need of your CORNIEST joke

My job does zoom meetings every day at 11, and tomorrow our ‘task’ is to come up with a corny joke. The cornier, the better. What do you got for me?

I can find jokes like this on google:
What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.

But I really wanna blow peopl...

Want to hear a mind blowing fact?

If this was read aloud at 240 decibels your head would explode.

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Thought I was lucky when my wife said she'd give me a blow job on my birthday

Didn't know that it came with mow, weed, fertilize, and rake jobs too.

Why did the terrorist blow up the winery?

Because it was full of Zinfandels.

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Two whales are swimming along in the ocean...

When one whale spots a fishing boat. So he says to the other whale "Hey, that is the boat that harpooned Frank, we should get back at them"

The other whale says "Oh yeah? What should we do?"

"I say we both go under their boat, and blow our blowholes as hard as we can, that will knock o...

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A man gets a blow job from a woman at work.

Feeling guilty, he runs to the nearest church looking to confess his sins. He checks the confessional but the priest is nowhere to be found. He sees an alter boy and thinks maybe he’ll know what punishment the priest usually gives for infidelity.

He approaches the alter boy and says “Hey ki...

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Three guys are sitting at the bar

The bartender asks them, "What's the matter with you guys?"

The first guy says, "My wife's always complaining and nagging. She's always on my case about not buying her new clothes...but at least I get to see this prostitute every night. The sex is great and it's only a quarter per thrust."...

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

My boss warned me that I shouldn’t blow the whistle in the office anymore. He gave me one last chance.

But unfortunately, I blew it

The wind is blowing like a 50yr old woman who's been married for 30 yrs.

Intermittently and with little effort

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A man goes to a brothel

A man goes to a brothel. He sees that its $1000 for sex, $500 for a blow job and a $1 for fucking their brains out. So, he asks another man why fucking their brains out was just a $1. He replies, “It’s because they’re all blonde.”

It's mad windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere

So watch out for your ex.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.

A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money."

The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom.

He stops the first driver and sa...

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof...

when the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpe...

What is the most interesting word in the English language?

Stroke it just blows your mind

How much blow does Charlie sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks in a bar and orders a beer. After taking a few sips, he notices a gorilla in the corner. He asks hey what's with the gorilla?
The bartender says watch this. He walks up to the gorilla and smacks him in the head and the gorilla immediately drops down and gives him a blow job.
The m...

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Not that many people suck at sex.

But those who do suck, blow.

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Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy...

....it feels good but then you look down and realize you’re gay.

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?

Talk about head over heels!

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

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The usual priest if off, so a stand in takes his spot

All is going well until a woman confesses to giving a man a blowjob. The priest doesn't know what to do so he nips out of the confessional booth to ask for help. He runs into a choir boy and asks him "what does the usual priest give for a blow job?"

The choir boy replies "normally a bag of sw...

What happens when a cop sneezes in bed?

They blow their cover

Relationships are like a Nintendo 64

They bring you hours of happiness and any problems can be solved by pulling it out and blowing on it

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An airline pilot, who didn't realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:

"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!"

That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit.

Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

If you can keep the candle lit, you win.

Don’t blow it.

A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.

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What's the difference between a Blimp and 365 blow jobs?

Ones a Good Year, ones a great year.

A terrorist tried to blow up a bus..

He failed, he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

A man in his 40's bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive.

A man in his 40's bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way th...

My uncle once killed in an entire circus troupe with one blow

When I asked him how he did it, he said:

“I went straight for the juggler”

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A woman goes into a hardware store and picks up a hinge for a door.

A woman goes into a hardware store and picks up a hinge for a door.

She goes to the register to pay, and the guy behind the counter says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."

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I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The terrorist said he wanted to blow the whole world

So I helped him start by letting him suck my dick

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