Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

Everytime I get off the couch my dog steals my spot.

He pretends he’s dozed off so I won’t make him move.

I‘d call him out for it but id rather let “sleeping” dogs lie.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

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My girlfriend just said that if I don't get off Reddit and spend some time with her she's going to smash my face into the keyboard

I wish that dumb bitch trieljljg bmbmvncbxbxbc nljhkgkgjdhdhd mnm gufugjfhhkdh

Why can't trains get off their tracks and go their own way?

Humans didn't train them to do that.

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My girlfriend just said “if you don’t get off

My girlfriend just said “if you don’t get off reddit and spend some time with me I will drag your fucking face all over the keyboard”

I wish that bitch would ejgeaohevr no so e djdueudbbbdudj gduenrklwahvdhdirnvehhgyhjkshdusbsbdhsj Shieksbsvisbshdowlwnjd
Hdueveiskj jehwiwowlbdhdiencqudkki...

I’m really annoyed by people who get off on arguing over mask wearing.

Damn mask debaters.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

How do you get a Polish guy with one arm to get off the tree?

You wave at him.

(Heard in the film, "You Kill Me")

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I got some shit that I need to get off my chest...

I should probably shower

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

Everyone’s heard The Rolling Stones song that says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud”

Less well known is the Irish version, that goes “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe”

Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

They’re all kinds of weird fetishs out there. Some people even get off on graphing.

Thats where I draw the line.





I’ll see myself out.

My wife asked me to get off the couch and go to yoga with her

I told her, namaste.

If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off"

"In your daughter" is the wrong answer

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

A male kangaroo told me to get off my phone

Ok boomer

I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period.

So she can get on my exclamation mark.

Why did Jeff Epstein get off Facebook?

It turned 15 and he lost interest.

My mom said she will smash my head against my keyboard if i dont get off my computer.

Well guess what? Im not going to getododkdjfjjdajndjxixushsbbduxuhha

My Chinese wife kicked me out because I wouldn't get off my Chinese phone.

She said it's Mai Wei or the Huawei.

Two aircraft mechanics get off work

Two aircraft mechanics get off work at la Guardia, and one says, "Let's go have a beer". The other says, "Why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes like whiskey, and you don't have a hangover in the morning."
So they drink about a quart of it each. It tastes great and they have a good ...

"I'm just trying to get off on the right foot"

\- Foot fetishist with OCD

Where Do Country Folks Get Off At?

Cornhub

I paid $600 to get off once

Damn court costs.

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A guy died because he couldn't get off while masturbating...

He had a bad stroke.

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and ...

Why do african kids get off school earlier than american kids?

they dont need a lunch break

Why did the GameCube controller get off the boat?

Because he got a little c-stick.

Patient: "Doctor, there is something I must get off my chest."

Doctor: "I'm sorry, ma'am. I am not a plastic surgeon."

What does the hippie say when you tell him to get off your couch?

Namaste (better to say it aloud)

What's the easiest way to get off an elephant?

I don't know but you should buy it dinner first!

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

We usually get half a day off for Good Friday, but there hasn't been an announcement this year, so I tracked down my boss and asked...

"Do we still get off Friday for Jesus day?"


He replied, "No, we only get off a half day for Good Friday."


And all I said was, "You know, if he would have stayed dead, we could have taken the whole day off, but now we have to give half of it back."


And that, my friend...

Little Bobo gets on the bus and the driver asks him:

- How old are you?
- Seven
- When the conductor comes, say you are six.
- Why?
- They'll let you ride for free.
The conductor comes and asks him:
- How old are you ?
- Six!
- And when do you turn seven?
- As soon as I get off the bus.

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2 nuns driving down the road when a vampire jumps out onto the bonnet.

Sister Mary: "What will we do?"

Sister Angela "Show him your cross"

*sister Mary leans out the window*

Sister Mary "Get off my fuckin bonnet!"

A man was pulled over on the side of the road for speeding.

The officer said, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over"

"No idea sir" the man replied.

"Well I've got you clocked here doing 78 mph, I'll need to see your license and registration"

Handing over his papers the man replies "Officer I had no idea I saw a sign that said 78 I thoug...

People who say that ketamine is the best drug...

Need to get off their high horse

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Did you hear about the defense attorney that used to be a prostitute?

He helped a lot of people get off.

4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train

They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.

The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.

The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.

The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings o...

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Two nuns travelling in a car in the middle of nowhere

A demon jumps on the bonnet, one nun said "show it your cross!" The other nun sticks her head out the window and shouts "GET OFF MY FUCKING CAR!"

Two german soldiers patrol on the German-Austrian border.

Suddenly they come across someone who hanged himself in the forest, through which the border line goes. One soldier says to the other: "If we report this, we'll never get off work in time for dinner!" "I have an idea!", exclaims the other, "let's make it the austrians' problem."
That said, the tw...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

A plane crashed into an island and three friends were the only survivors

A blonde, redhead and brunette were left stranded on the island. Figured they would need help to get off the island, they split up to look any inhabitants that might help them.

The redhead stumbled on a magical lamp, rubbed it and out came a genie. "I will grant you one wish," said the genie....

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Prostate massages are like stickers with excessively strong glue.

It’s a pain in the ass to get off.

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What did the man who always masturbates at the end of his 9 to 5 shift say to the friend throwing a party at 5:30?

"I'll be there after I get off."

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