My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework

she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

Why can't trains get off their tracks and go their own way?

Humans didn't train them to do that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just said that if I don't get off Reddit and spend some time with her she's going to smash my face into the keyboard

I wish that dumb bitch trieljljg bmbmvncbxbxbc nljhkgkgjdhdhd mnm gufugjfhhkdh

I’m really annoyed by people who get off on arguing over mask wearing.

Damn mask debaters.

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My girlfriend just said “if you don’t get off

My girlfriend just said “if you don’t get off reddit and spend some time with me I will drag your fucking face all over the keyboard”

I wish that bitch would ejgeaohevr no so e djdueudbbbdudj gduenrklwahvdhdirnvehhgyhjkshdusbsbdhsj Shieksbsvisbshdowlwnjd
Hdueveiskj jehwiwowlbdhdiencqudkki...

How do you get a Polish guy with one arm to get off the tree?

You wave at him.

(Heard in the film, "You Kill Me")

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.

But I think she's JockingFsss475241HHHNM,GDSADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrrEEEEEEEEEECHHHHHHHHHHHHII003333454587111,KUJYTFB""""3u8ol;[45668kbnt72111vb ki90l.YJNMLGDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

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I got some shit that I need to get off my chest...

I should probably shower

Everyone’s heard The Rolling Stones song that says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud”

Less well known is the Irish version, that goes “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe”

Someone once told me to get off my high horse.

A blunt and lots of lube later, I was able to do just that.

My wife asked me to get off the couch and go to yoga with her

I told her, namaste.

They’re all kinds of weird fetishs out there. Some people even get off on graphing.

Thats where I draw the line.





I’ll see myself out.

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

A male kangaroo told me to get off my phone

Ok boomer

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off"

"In your daughter" is the wrong answer

I told my wife to hurry up and get off of her period.

So she can get on my exclamation mark.

Why did Jeff Epstein get off Facebook?

It turned 15 and he lost interest.

Recently, I'd been feeling really down about the realization that there's no way anyone could ever get off to somebody as ugly as me

Fortunately, I remembered that Death comes for us all.

My mom said she will smash my head against my keyboard if i dont get off my computer.

Well guess what? Im not going to getododkdjfjjdajndjxixushsbbduxuhha

Two aircraft mechanics get off work

Two aircraft mechanics get off work at la Guardia, and one says, "Let's go have a beer". The other says, "Why don't we try drinking jet fuel? I hear it tastes like whiskey, and you don't have a hangover in the morning."
So they drink about a quart of it each. It tastes great and they have a good ...

"I'm just trying to get off on the right foot"

\- Foot fetishist with OCD

My Chinese wife kicked me out because I wouldn't get off my Chinese phone.

She said it's Mai Wei or the Huawei.

I paid $600 to get off once

Damn court costs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy died because he couldn't get off while masturbating...

He had a bad stroke.

Why do african kids get off school earlier than american kids?

they dont need a lunch break

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy exposes himself with a boner and is arrested. How did he get off?

It wouldn't stand up in court

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and ...

Why did the GameCube controller get off the boat?

Because he got a little c-stick.

Patient: "Doctor, there is something I must get off my chest."

Doctor: "I'm sorry, ma'am. I am not a plastic surgeon."

What does the hippie say when you tell him to get off your couch?

Namaste (better to say it aloud)

What's the easiest way to get off an elephant?

I don't know but you should buy it dinner first!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

Two Nuns Are Driving Through Transylvania When A Vampire Jumps On The Car

Nun 1: "Quick! Show him your cross!"

Nun 2: *Opens Window* "Get off my car you stupid git!"

Two men stay out late drinking, miss the last bus and have to walk home

They pass the bus depot, so one says he'll break in and steal a bus to get them home.
Ages later, he comes to the door and goes, 'it's no use, I can't find a number 9.'
'You idiot!' says his friend, 'Just steal a 14, we'll get off at the corner and walk the rest of the way.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother is driving her son to school.

She is driving behind a garbage truck when suddenly a huge black dildo flies out of the top of the truck, smacks the windscreen and rolls off. The son says 'Mum, what was that', Mother replies, 'oh, that was just an insect son, nothing to worry about'... Son Replies 'I'm surprised it could get off ...

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A woman overhears her 8 year old son playing with his train set.

As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the fuck off. If this is not your stop, stay the fuck on."

The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again.

"This stop is Seattle. If this is yo...

Mick Jagger, Hugh Grant & Dennis Weaver go to a Hollywood party.

Hugh and Dennis start drinking heavily while Mick mingles with guests. As the party starts to wind down, Mick is ready to leave but can't find his mates. He walks into a dimly lit bedroom and sees them naked on the bed. He yells out "Hey, Hugh get off of McCloud.

I don’t understand why people are worried that whacking off will make them go blind.

I’d kill to get off that good

Sharp Retort

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the ol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns driving back to the convent late one night in their Mini...

...All of a sudden a demon leaps onto the hood of the car, The first nun shouts to the second. 'Quick sister, show him your cross!' The second nun winds down the window and screams 'GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR!!'

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