UPJOKE
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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

Gleam in your eye

A couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"
"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"
She said, "By the gleam in your eye."
They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"...

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A group of guys walk into a new bar for the first time. The barkeep asks what they will be having tonight. [L]

The first guy orders a whiskey coke. The bartender without hesitation hands the man a chilled apple. The man confused by this asks why he is getting the apple. The bartender insists that he takes a bite out of it.

The man chomps into it and exclaims, “Wow! This tastes just like my favorite wh...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

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Be cautious of what you wish for and be kind

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he woul...

The lonely fish

Deep in the bamboo forest, there lived a tiny fish alone in a pond. Every day he swam around the pond in solitude. His little heart longed for a companion. He gradually became incredibly sad, he stopped eating and he started losing the color in his scales. A fairy, passing by, was taken with the pl...

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There was once a couple who were very, very dumb.

They used to listen to everything said to them without thinking any deeper.

After about a year after their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born to them. They decided to baptize him and name him according to a very popular astrologer's idea. So they took him to the astrologer's sanctum
<...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

Day in court

In the traffic court of a large city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to the judge that she was a schoolteacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A ...

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured i...

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Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and...

Three men go to heaven and meet Saint Peter.

They were each greeted warmly and told to answer all questions truthfully. St. Peter asks the first man: "You were married, but were you faithful? Remember, I will know if you are lying."

"Absolutely, I never cheated once in my life." claimed the man, pride gleaming in his eyes.

"Very...

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Another Jewish joke (this one featuring boobs!) (NSFW)

My Jewish father showed me this one.

So a small Jewish man happens to come across a rather stunning woman. Specifically, this woman has the most beautiful, perfect breasts he's ever seen in his life.

So he approaches this woman and says with utmost sincerity:

"Ma'am, I'm sorry t...

The secret to wealth

A young man once asked a rich older man how he earned all his money. The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."

"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spen...

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A young woman is at a party where she meets an older gentleman.

The two get to talking and eventually the topic of age comes up. The older gentleman says, "Well, I'm 57, but don't tell me how old you are just yet! See, I have this special ability where I can tell when a woman was born by feeling her breasts." Amazed by the bold claim, the young woman dismisse...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

A blond walk into a bank and asks for a $5000 loan

She will be going away on a business trip for a week. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The luxury car, its gleaming shell attracting wishful looks from passer-bys, is parked on the street in front of ...

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City Hall

The city counselors were discussing how to increase public attendance and participation at City Hall meetings. One counselor suggested bringing in a famous hypnotist-entertainer. The officials agreed, the hypnotist was engaged, and leaflets were printed and distributed.

A month later, City H...

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A girlfriend goes to her boyfriends house for the first time...

and she is obviously really nervous about meeting his parents. So they are about to begin eating dinner and her stomach is starting to feel more and more queasy; and sure enough the boyfriends mom cooked bean casserole. Several minutes pass and the girlfriend can no longer hold the pressure in her...

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As Vernon the vampire bat flew inside the cave…

his friends started at him with a mixture of admiration and jealousy.

“Yo Vernon, your face is covered with blood! What kind of animal did you feed from?”

Vernon gazed as his friends and said smugly “None of your business!”

“C’mon Man! Don’t be an idiot! Tell us!”

“Nah. N...

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A cowboy walks into a deserted saloon...

And there's no tinkling waltz on the piano, no gentle buzzing about the days activities, it's empty. A mournful bartender polishes an immaculate glass and halfheartedly waves away a fat, clueless fly.

The cowboy sidled into a stool and fished a coin out of his pocket. He flicked it with his t...

The Farmer and the Monk

A young farmhand was once unfortunate enough to share a room at the inn with an old monk, who talked incessantly from evening's light to morning glow about matters of philosophy and science. Bored of the one-sided conversation, the monk soon proposed a challenge of wits.


The farmhand was ...

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball...

and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her ...

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A woman is walking around a grocery store...

...completing her shopping list. When she finally collects what she came for, she makes her way to the cashier and unloads her basket onto the conveyer.

The clerk begins to ring up her items;
He grabs her container of mixed salad greens and passes it over the barcode scanner. 'BOOP' sou...

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Three nuns were travelling to church...

Unfortunately, on the way there, they had a nasty accident and all died.

When they reached the pearly gates of heaven, they were greeted by Saint Peter himself.

He greeted them and explained, “Before I let you pass into Heaven, I must ask if any of you have ever strayed from the path, ...

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So this old couple return to the place they first met...

and they're sitting in the bar, having a drink and thinking of all the shit they used to pull and having a laugh.

Then she says with a gleam in her eye, "remember where we first did it?" and he says "fuck yeah" "wanna do it again?" "sure!"

and they leave, but this cop who heard the who...

Quasimodo wants to go on vacation...

so he posts an ad in the local paper. A couple of days later he's contacted by a young man, and asks him to come up to Notre Dame so that he can learn the ropes.
"Ringing ze bells of Notre Dame truly is an art, and there is only one way to get ze perfect sound you know. Here, I will show you"...

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A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash...

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone ...

One night a Scottish couple took a walk through a beautiful lit up town...

The woman says to the man, ''You want to hold my hand, don't you?''

The man says,''Yes, how did you know?''

She says, ''By the gleam in your eye.''

So they held hands.

A little down the road the woman says to the man, ''You want to kiss me don't you?''

The man ...

A king suspects one of his counts is a spy...

He summons the count to the public square, where the cloaked headsman already awaits with his gleaming axe. The terror-stricken count falls on his knees and begs, "My king! Surely there is some mistake! What is the meaning of this?" The king replies, "I know you have been spying for one of our enem...

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There's a young farmer who really likes tractors... (Shaggy dog story)

One day when ploughing the fields he sees a notice pinned to a tree just outside his land. It read:
*The infamous travelling tractortent has arrived in town! Hundreds of tractors all inside one massive tent! Raffle for a chance to drive a shiny top-of-the-range tractor!*
He didn't have an...

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