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Glitter Jokes

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I shoved some glitter up my arse last night

To see what would happen!

Just found out, pretty shit..

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So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter

It’s pretty nuts.

A man came home covered in glitter

His wife confronted him on the sparkling dust on his shirt and pants. “Honey, I was just helping our daughter make a Mother’s Day card for you.” The wife still slightly suspicious asked, “ok but why do you smell like cinnamon and honey” to which the husband replied, “damn you’re good. How did you k...

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Green Glitter

One afternoon, after another un-exciting day in high school, a girl decides that she wants to start dating. Knowing she needs his approval, the girl goes to ask her dad. Dad responds, "I will test these boys on the first date, somehow, someway, to be sure that they are right for you!" Frustrated, sh...

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I put glitter and sparkles on a turd once

It was pretty shit

What's Gary Glitter's favourite key?

A Minor

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What do you call a man who fires glitter out of his butt?

A party pooper

Gary Glitter; Rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile walk into a Irish bar and the bar man says: not yewtree again”.

Boom boom.

Add a touch of magic to your cold, by filling your mouth up with glitter....

Before you sneeze.

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[NSFW] Glitter

A White guy, a brown guy, and a black guy go on a road trip. Along the way to their destination, they have engine issues and the car breaks down. Nearest service station is over 50 miles away, fortunately for them, there is a house farm nearby.They get to the door and knock.

An old, bitter l...

What's the difference between Mariah Carey and Marie Curie?

One glitters, the other glows

Why did Gary Glitter go to Walmart?

Because children’s clothes were half off!

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

I saw a girl pour glitter into an ice box...

It's pretty cool.

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A homeless guy was caught at a craft store dipping his balls into a bag of glitter

It was pretty nuts.

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<nsfw> Saw 2 guys in hobby lobby dipping their testicles in glitter.

I thought they were pretty nuts.

I saw on the news that a truck carrying almonds collided with another truck carrying glitter.

Apparently the road was covered with with almonds and glitter.

And I thought, "That's pretty nuts"

Your momma's so fat, last time she wore a glitter dress...

... the Hubble telescope thought it had discovered a new galaxy.

Apparently Gary Glitter is applying for the Villa manager's job...

after hearing the strikers were Bent, Young and possibly Keane

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I don’t know why I decided to eat glitter.

Turns out it was a pretty shit idea.

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They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his testicles in the glitter bins

One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"

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Hobby Lobby...

One afternoon a man and his wife walked into the local Hobby Lobby in order to get some craft supplies for their child's art project. The wife went straight to the craft supplies while the husbands eye was caught by the model airplanes. He walked down the aisle and turned the corner. Then walked do...

The latest report from Mars indicates the presence of large ring structures of precious stones and a dusting of glitter almost everywhere

Apparently, efforts are underway to tiara-form the planet.


(I do apologize for this. I happen to hear someone pronounce this word rather frequently and this is what I keep imagining they are meaning, along with some deposits of sass, pageantry and frills.)

Garry Glitter gave me my first guitar lesson the other day

He showed me how to finger A minor

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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Bus driver?

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"

"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.

Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how y...

A king wants his daughter to have.....

A king wants his daughter to have a husband so he puts up a flier.
The first guy comes and the king puts green glitter on his daughters private part.
The next morning the king checks the guys private part and there's green glitter all over it.
More and more guys come along and the same thi...

Gynecologist appointment

A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist, but oversleeps and wakes up 30 minutes before her morning appointment.

She has to drop her daughter at school first, so she runs to the bathroom and quickly wipes her neither regions with a flannel lying on the side of the bath and runs out th...

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

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Emotional party

Haven’t seen this one posted before; apologies if I missed it. I heard this at least 30 years ago.
——
Sarah throws a fancy dress party with the theme “emotions”.

Her friend Alice turns up in bright colours and glitter. “I’m happy!” she announces, and Sarah lets her in.

Meg turns...

Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you ;)

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death. Why is not important to the story...what's important is that the death sentence will be carried out in France - via guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop....

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I went to see my proctologist...

I went to see my proctologist for a thorough check-up.

After he looked me over, I said to him, "You know, I probably have one of the best digestive systems in the world. It's *so* good, that I ate TEN POUNDS of glitter the other day just for fun. What do you think?"

“Weird flecks. But...

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My wife said she was thinking of getting a vajazzle.

"What's that?" I asked.

She said, "I'm getting my vagina decorated with crystals and glitter."

I said, "That's a coincidence."

"Why?" she asked.

I said, "Because *I* was just thinking about getting a new girlfriend."

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One more from the 85 year old shriner to get you smiling into the weekend.

A man came home late at night drunk. His wife was waiting up worried. She sees he has gold glitter on him. She suspects he was at a strip club so she asks "Where the hell have you been?”

He says, "The Golden Bar that just opened up. They have golden chairs, golden glasses, everything is gold!...

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True story

My wife comes at home in a hurry:

**—** Honey, I'm late for my gynecologist appointment! Don't have time to shower and shave, I'll just wash down there and I'll go. 5 min later she rushes out the door.

When she comes back, she's angry as hell:

**—** That son of a bitch, he's bee...

Hygiene

Women issues

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already aroun...

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Stolen joke

One time I had a kid come over to my house and tell me that my house was small and boring. So then I told him that my house was small because I had an amazing secret basement full of games and toys that I never tell anyone about. This kid wanted to see it really badly at that point, so I told him to...

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A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist...

and while she freshens up beforehand, she grabs a spray from her older daughters room who's 17 and sprays her ladyparts.

She goes to the appointment, and her gynecologist is like "My, we dressed up today, right?".

And she's super pissed, picks her two daughters up from school and fumes...

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The Golden Bar

Three guys go out to a a bar, called The Golden Bar. They have a great time, have too much to drink but agree to meet back there the next day.

The next night, they take seats at the bar and start talking about the previous night. They start talking about the gold theme and asking the bartende...

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A slight variation of an old joke

One day a man who had just gone through a very bitter divorce was walking on the beach. He notices something glittering in the sand and digs it out and holds it up. It appeared to be a gold, antique teapot. He rubbed it with his sleeve to brush the sand off and suddenly in a puff of smoke, a genie a...

A young man buys a silver mine...

A young man heads out to Utah looking for adventure, and he finds a sign in town advertising an abandoned silver mine out in the desert. Intrigued he decides to go check out the mine, and finds the walls absolutely glittering with silver. He rushes back to town and buys the mine, and then goes to th...

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