UPJOKE
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In these times of economic hardship and a looming recession, it's important to remember that Jesus Saves!

By using double coupons and shopping wisely.

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Missed it

A priest is walking along the countryside when he comes across a young man near a Mango tree trying to drop some mangoes.

The young man would pick up a stone, take aim and throw it but alas his aim was bad and he missed all the time.

The priest watching this stops to observe.

Th...

I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets.

You might say it’s a “family air loom.”

I got pulled over for trying to drive my loom to work today...

The cop said I was weaving all over the road.

With the second lockdown looming, I saw a man purchase 3 crates of San Miguel, 2 bottles of tequila, 6 bags of paella and a sombrero.

I think hispanic buying.

Once a man was walking through the forest until...

A bear suddenly came out from the bushes. It started chasing the man. The man turned around and saw the bear chasing him, and he began to run. As they ran, the bear started getting closer and closer to him. It licked its lips as it saw its prey getting closer. All of a sudden, the man tripped and th...

A History of Mazda

(I hope this isn't technically a Rule 6 violation)

Mazda is suffering in car sales, and so begins some new lines of products and tag lines.

They get into gardening, bloom bloom,

The military, boom boom,

Condoms, coom coom,

Textiles, loom loom,

Psychedelics,...

I hate people who do not understand the looming threat of water shortage.

Like my neighbour. She refused when I offered to bath together to save water.

The bully loomed threateningly over the nerd and said, "You know what snitches get don't you?"

Ummm, "150 points?"

My dad was walking down the hall just in his underwear.

My mom said "Bill! Your fruit is coming out of the loom!"

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.

The call was t...

A guy is wandering the desert, he knows death is close....

He has loads of water, but no food. None. It's been so long he can hardly remember what food looks like. The hunger pain is real. Starvation death looms over him.

As he stumbles along through the sand, the sun eroding the last of his energy he sees something in the distance. An oasis and with...

One of my dad's favorites

When they started, the painters decided to paint the body of the church before painting the steeple. With the church completed and the steeple well along, paint was getting low and a thunderstorm loomed. To finish properly, they would need to climb down to the ground to get more paint. Alterna...

If this doesn't make you groan I don't know what will...

With 2nd lockdown looming in the UK, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying

What do you call an antique comb used to make braids, buns, and Celtic knots passed from generation to generation

Hair loom.

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A guy wants to experience some deep soul searching solitude...

He manages to hire an old abandoned sheep station in outback Australia. Tens of thousands of vast empty hectares stretching out to all the horizons.

As soon as the chopper drops him off, flies away and the dust settles, the quiet falls upon him. The distance recedes out endlessly in front of...

What job does Danger do?

It Looms.

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road

one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone call...

The Devil went to a small church...

The congregation at a die hard church was in full swing when with a stench of brimstone and puff of smoke the devil appeared! All them members ran from the church except one little old man in the first row who sat looking calmly at him.
The devil loomed over the old man and growled " Do you real...

What do you call an evil seamstress?

A looming threadt

If you hear, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave"

There's usually a looming problem.

Three Roman Solders

Three Roman Solders have been at war for a while and get home early, so mom of their wives are expecting them, so they take bets on who’s is behaving the best before going off to check on them.
The first thinks his wife will be home tending the garden and children, but they find she is nowhere t...

The Case of the Missing Harvest

Every year, the creatures of the forest gathered nuts and other snacks to store for the winter. Not only did it keep the community fed, it also marked the end of the year and was accompanied by a great festival of feast, music, and dance.

But one day, all the nuts and berries were taken by a ...

Christan Bear

A man who was atheist was walking in the woods when he heard a growl and the loud sound of branches snapping behind him. He turned around to see what was making the noise and he saw a large grizzly bear standing on his rear paws poised to attack. The man imediately turned around and started running ...

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Mom died and left me that thing she used to weave rugs out of that stuff you pull out of used styling brushes.

It was a family hair-loom.

I was in the attic yesterday when I found my granddad's old wig-making machine.

It's a family hair loom.

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

Michael Murphy is sitting at his local pub, tossing back pint after pint of Murphy's...

Closing time arrives, and a drunken Michael tries to get up off of his bar stool only to fall flat on his face.

Drunk but determined, Michael drags himself across the pub floor to the exit. He drags himself to his home a few blocks away and decides to sleep it off on the couch as not to wake ...

A zebra was having a crisis.

He couldn't decide if he was white with black stripes, or he was black with white stripes. For many months this bothered him, sometimes even keeping him up all night wondering.

On morning, he decided to see the wise old monkey in the baobab tree to find answers to his quandary. Far and long h...

Driving home earlier

I saw a young couple weaving all over the street. I told them 'Go get a loom'

An Atheist is walking through the woods...

and when as he rounds a corner, he sees a huge bear. He turns and runs, and the bear starts to chase him. All of a sudden, he trips and falls. The man turns over to see the bear looming over him, and he screams, "Oh God!"

Time freezes. The heavens open up, and he hears the voice of God.
<...

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Joel Osteen dies and goes to Heaven.

He looks up at the big pearly gates and immediately recognizes where he is. He waits for a while but no one comes to greet him. Beyond the gates, he hears a band performing a concert between deafening cheers of the crowd and other indications of general merriment. He looks around but cannot find ...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by...

A shepherd is relaxing after a long day, when a businessman comes by.

He's sat on the grass, chewing on a straw, watching his sheep roam around under the last rays of the setting sun. A jeep leaving behind clouds of dust stops before him, and off gets a businessman clad in an expensive suit a...

I went out last night with a group of enthusiastic weavers.

Unfortunately they had to rush off to meet a looming deadline.

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An Arab Sheikh Is Crossing The Desert To Negotiate A Peace Treaty With A Neighbouring Tribe.

It's approximately a days walk & all he has with him are his four wives & a 2 gallon flask of water to prevent dehydration for the journey. So, he walks a few hundred yards....has a sip of water....another few hundred....another sip & so on until the inevitable happens, he MUST take a le...

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