In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than of a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

Kicked a mime in the nuts today.

Very effective unmute option.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'

He said, "Working from home"

Breaking news: Amidst all the chaos, Eminem just got kicked out of a very high end bar.

Apparantly he asked the bartender for 4 shots but the bartender refused service and said you only get one shot.

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

I was fired and kicked out of the hospital on the very first day as a nurse..............

Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

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I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row.

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law

My wife said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough"

I'll never forget the last thing my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket:

"Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in?

Right off the bat

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

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What did the man kicked out of the sperm bank say?

That’s the last time I cum in here!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s it called when a donkey kicks you?

Ass-ault

I dont get the jokes about pumped up kicks

They must be aimed at younger audiences

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What do you call a prostitute with a decent round house kick?

A Kung Floozy

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I got kicked out of math class.

Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?"

Lifeguard kicked some elephants out of the pool

Apparently they kept dropping their trunks.

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

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My friend is gay, his dad kicked him out.

He no longer lives in the home of phobia

Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class?

He kept blowing up the rectangles and pentagons

I got kicked out of the strip club

Well if you put "strip" in the name I'm gonna do it.

Q: What's the name of the Muppets episode where Gonzo kicked Kermit in the crotch?

A: Green Achers

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

You kick his sister in the mouth

Why did the unemployed nun get kicked out of the library?

She was caught looking up ‘missionary position’ on their computers.

Got kicked out of Weight Watchers...

I dropped a bag of M&Ms.
Best damn game of Hungry Hungry Hippos I've ever played.

My wife and I used to argue about me kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator....

But now it's just water under the fridge.

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

My best friend kicked all three of my cats today

I'll get over it, but he really hurt my felines.

Once my dad kicked the bucket, our family wasn't able to financially support ourselves anymore.

Turns out treating a broken toe costs a lot of money.

Why did the basketball player with corona virus got kicked from the team?

Because he started to travel too much.

A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.

He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mat...

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Did you hear about the guy who got the shit kicked out of him after he made fun of that Crews guy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?



He died of dissin' Terry

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Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???

I just got kicked out of another funeral home.....

I got kicked in the nuts at Midnight on New Years.

I started the year off on the highest note possible.

I've been kicked, beaten, abused and locked away in cupboards since I was first born

Such is the life of a football

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They kicked me out of the gym because I was pissing in the shower....

I don't know you, but I always pee while taking a shit.

I accidentally kicked my dog and it bit me on the ball's

My friend say's it's karma but if anything it's angrier than before.

What has 9 arms and kicks ass???

Def Leppard!!!

My son is a male trapped in a female's body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.

For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.

This joke has no punch line

But you might get a kick out of it

Why did the vegan get kicked out of church?

He said he really enjoyed seitan.

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

I kicked a pregnant woman

She gave birth to me 3 months later.

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

Why did the Wuhan man get kicked out of the bar?

He brought his own Corona

A man is walk on the beach, when he kicks a bottle.

Poof, out pops a genie. The genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother in-law gets double. Understanding the rule, the mans first wish is a billion dollars. The genie says, “ this means your mother in-law will get 2 billion”. “That’s fine”, replies the...

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

A boy who lived in a farm woke up and wanted breakfast (NSFW)

His mother said he had to do his chores first.

So went out and feed the pigs but kicked them as he left.

Then he collected the eggs from the chickens but gave them a kick as he left.

After that he milked the cows but made sure to kick them as well.

When he came back in hi...

My gf broke up with me after I was kicked out of her church, but we still talk sometimes

I call it excommunication

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I got kicked out of the library the other day for being too loud

I guess i'll just have to find somewhere else to masturbate.

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me ton...

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I got kicked out of the sex shop the other day.

I was checking out the lube selection. Turns out if they ask if you want to sample any, your not supposed to take your pants off!

Why was the thorn kicked out of the rose?

Because he was being a prick.

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful.

He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 am for seniors only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

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Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

I must confess, I have repeatedly kicked a helpless, pregnant woman.

But to be fair, I was a fetus, what was I supposed to do?

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Halloween party

A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

I'll never forget my grandfather's words right before he kicked the can.

He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this can!"

A stand up comic gets a gig to perform at an old age home......

Soon into his act he notices that most of the old people there are pretty out of it so he tries to tell the same joke twice and people still laugh cos they have already forgotten that they just now heard it.

So he gets a kick out of it and keeps telling the same joke for half an hour and towa...

My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket:

Always put on steel toes before doing this.

Why did the drug dealer get kicked out of the play?

He never had his lines.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

Recess and cookies

An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.

Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?

Johnny: I played in the sandbox.

Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie.

Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie....

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $...

I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai

I was the only thing between H and JK

Playing Soccer is addictve and I wanna stop,

but I can't seem to kick the habit.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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The Duck Hunter

A hunter is out in the country one day and waiting for ducks to fly by.

After a while he sees a duck, points his gun and shoots it. The duck falls to the ground onto some farmland nearby. The hunter walks over the the farm and sees a farmer holding the dead duck.

"Hey that's my duck!"...

A farmer had three sons.

One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'l...

I just got kicked out of my improv group

I don’t give a schtick.

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to do the work?

Kick them out of Congress.

My friend has been injecting disinfectant since that advice was given out...

He got addicted to it and has been working hard to kick the habit. You’ll be glad to hear he is clean now.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to ...

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So there's a Marine general

an Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy Admiral sitting in the club arguing about who's enlisted members have the biggest balls.

So the Navy Admiral tells a Seaman, "That guy standing at the end of the bar, go kick his ass " So he goes over and proceeds to kick his ass. The Admiral ...

It’s the anniversary of my dear grandfather’s death, and I’ll never forget what he said to me right before he kicked the bucket.

He said,

“wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

A hunter was shooting birds.

A bird fell in an old man's field. The hunter goes to get the bird but the old man sees him and tells him that since the bird fell on his field, the bird is now his to keep. An argument ensues and the old man says:

"Let us kick each other on the shin and see who can take more, whoever can tak...

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What's the best thing about kicking the shit out of an orphan kid?

They cannot tell their parents



Very sorry about saying this

I had to get kicked in the face today.

I was too late and I missed the punch line.

A homeless man buys a lottery ticket

He made a few £ more today than normal, so decided to treat himself to a lottery ticket.

Low and behold, he actually wins the jackpot, £5,000,000! The man could hardly believe it!

He says to himself, I have been on the streets for years, I forgot what comfortable shoes feel like, I wan...

IDK who thrusted their leg

but I got a kick out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why shouldn't you fight a dinosaur

Because you'll get Jur Ass Kicked.

A man joins an atheist club at his school and at the first meeting says "Hello, I'm Christian" and the leader of the club kicks him out.

It's difficult being an atheist named Christian.

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My son got kicked out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.....

I told him, "*Son that's 3 schools this year, maybe teaching isn't for you*".

I got kicked out of the Apple store for farting

It’s not my fault they didn’t have Windows

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

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