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My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet

I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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Johnny got kicked out of class today

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

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The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.


They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.


Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

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What is it called when you kick a girl in the crotch

A clitical hit

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

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My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

Do you know the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I got kicked out of mime school

Must've been something I said

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Since we're on a vacuum kick...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners....

A dwarf was kicked out of a nudist colony

Apparently, he kept sticking his nose in everyones' business.

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My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off...

I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you

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A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.

His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Military s...

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin

And giraffes were born

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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

What does a pirate say when gets kicked in the nuts?

Menards

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Kick me out after this one

So if you go for a shit at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it’s same shit different day?

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

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Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny..

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mothe...

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

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I got kicked out of a restaurant for having improper dress. Reminds me of a funny story.

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kick the ocean.

That's why we have tides now.

Me: *kicking stirrups* get along now!

Gynecologist: Stop that.

28 years ago I kicked a pregnant woman for the last time.

Today's my birthday

​Dont kick a volcano

you might Krakatoa

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

Sekiro once parried a round-house kick from Chuck Norris

If you were wondering why there's no Sekiro 2, now you know

I was kicked out of my weight watchers meeting yesterday, because I spilled a bag of M&M's on the floor.

It was the best game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo I've ever seen.

My wife kicked me out. She says it’s because I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

I once kicked a pregnant women.

I was in the womb. I'm not evil.

A man sees his wife in pain as the baby is kicking.

Husband: Oh honey, I can't imagine what it feels like.

Wife: Don't worry, it's not your fault.

Husband: What do you mean its not my fault?

What do you get when a dinosaur kicks you in the rear end?

A mega-sore ass

Why did the egg dad get kicked out of the house?

Because his family couldn't handle his egg-cellent dad yolks anymore!

Happy father's day!

There was a guy in our Downhill Skiing Club but we had to kick him out for creating drama over every little thing.

He was always making a mountain out of a mogul.

Someone recently got kicked out of flight school

Their career just couldn’t take off

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I was kicked out of my doctor's office for masturbating

He's the one who said I could have a stroke anytime!

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

Why was the transvestite kicked out of the airplane?

Too much drag

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

My best friend got kicked in the groin and passed out so I brought him to the hospital

Me: “How is my friend doing?”

Doctor: “She is ok”

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The pope decided to kick out all the Jews from Italy

So one day the pope decided to kick out all the Jews in Italy, and of course the Jews had a thing or two to say about that.

After much uproar the pope relented and said "take 3 days to find your most wisest rabbi and he and I will have a silent battle of knowledge. If I win you leave, if you ...

What do to call it when a ballerina kicks someone in the balls?

A nutcracker!

Why was the volleyball captain kicked out of prom?

For spiking the punch.

Giving Birth, or Getting Kicked in the Nuts!

Which Hurts More?






Obviously it's getting kicked in the nuts.
Why? Well you don't get kicked in the Nuts, wait a year and decide, I'll try that again.

Game-Over on that debate!

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Why did snow white get kicked out of disneyland?

She was caught sitting on pinoccios face yelling lie you stupid fucker

I got kicked out of a buffet

If they didn't want me to eat the patrons, the rules should have said so.

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in?

Right off the bat

What happened to the student who got kicked out of Hogwarts?

They were exspelled

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she’s never...

...playing Scrabble with me again.

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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

They kicked me out of a Covid-19 ward the other day…

…because when I left I said “stay positive everyone”

I kicked the big C to the curb!

And after leaving my wife, I beat cancer too!

I got kicked out of my favorite Vietnamese restaurant and told I can never come back.

How dare they banh mi!

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful.

He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

“You kick ass!”

Yes I also kick heads, torsos and other body parts.

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What do you call a death by someone kicking your butt?

*Assass*ination

Kicking a trash can

Yo momma is so poor I saw her kicking a trash can so I asked, "What are you doing?" and she said, "I'm moving."

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Texas Three Kick Rule.

A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm.

The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm's s...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Once I got kicked out of the public pool.

I told the lifeguard “But everyone pees in the pool!”

He said, “Yeah, but not from the high-dive.”

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

Why did the Amish girl get kicked out of her house?

Too Mennonite.

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to hav...

I kicked a pregnant woman

She gave birth to me 3 months later.

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

call me anything you want, i kicked a pregnant lady right at her stomach, and I'm proud of it

i kicked her from the inside though

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

Why were the upper arm, and the forearm kicked out of school?

The were found sharing a joint.

Why did the Girl Scout leader get kicked out of the troop.

They got caught eating brownies.

It is only good to kick a pregnant woman if you are ...

on the inside.

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

Kentucky Three-Kick.

A man is out pheasant hunting and finds a trespasser hunting on his land. The trespasser has just shot a pheasant. After some heated discussion, the landowner says, "I'll tell you what. Let's play Kentucky Three-Kick. If you win, you keep the bird". The trespasser asks. "What is Kentucky Three-Kick...

Why was the surgeon kicked off the team?

He couldn't make the cut

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

OP. Got kicked off an electrical job today.

Lady wanted me to check the light fixture in her bedroom. I set up my ladder under the fixture and removed the cover, then asked if she could turn on the switch at the door. Being out in hallway, she said, “Give me a sec.” I smiled and told her I’d give her all the ‘secs’ she wanted.

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**News Flash** Snow White has been kicked out of Disney Land!!

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie you bastard, lie!".

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

Nasa kicked me out of their astronaut training programme...

They said I was a waste of space!

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on..

.. the suspension is killing me.

Why did the glue get kicked out of art supplies school?

It didn’t adhere to the rules

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Got kicked out of the BDSM sex club

I came without permission

Why did I get kicked out

All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after

why did the bread kick the tomato over?

because he loafed him

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

Why were the elephants kicked out of the public pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

I've come here to make non sequiturs and kick ass,

and I'm all out of pineapples.

So I was kicked out of AA the other day...

Apparently saying "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" wasn't appropriate.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money.

He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times ro...

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The Last Thing Grandpa Said Before He Kicked The Bucket

"Who in the FUCK keeps putting that mother FUCKING empty bucket at the goddamn foot of my MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN BED?!"

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What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?

RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!

I got kicked off the plane.

What? All I said was hi to my friend Jack.

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

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An infinite number of mathematicians enter an infinite bar

In this bar, a pint of beer costs one dollar

The first one asks for a pint of beer, then the second one asks for two pints of beer, then the third one asks for three pints of beer, and so it follows for every single mathematician there

When they're all done, the men ask for the bill an...

I was kicked off my swim team

When our coach asked me what the best stroke was,
"The one that killed my MIL" apparently wasn't an appropriate answer.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

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Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class.

He kept blowing up the pentagons.

i was kicked out of the karaoke bar after trying to sing 'danger zone' 4 times.

They said it was too many Loggins attempts.

What do you call a ball that is twelve inches long that you kick?

A football.

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