In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket?

“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

I can still remember my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket

He said to me:
Hey! Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?

The Canadian police kicked down my door to my meth lab

Thankfully i was able to escape while they were trying to fix my door.

I'm a girl training in MMA. My instructor just taught me how to do the donkey kick!

He says we're going to work on the donkey punch tomorrow!

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My grandparents kicked me out of their house because I watch too much porn

"**It's your loss, step-grandma and step-grandpa!!**"

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

Why did the vulture get kicked off the plane?

They didn’t allow carrion.

Saw an Eskimo practicing MMA kicks.

He did a really good roundhouse.

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

Life Pro Tip: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the kitchen floor, quietly kick it under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be water under the fridge.

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Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team?

She kept getting penalized for hooking.

I got kicked out of a graveyard the last time I went to Scotland.

They didn't appreciate me writing "Graveheart" on William Wallace's tombstone.

What did the man say when he was getting kicked out of the sperm bank

That’s the last time I’m coming in here

Why do some engineers never get kicked out of anything?

They're civil engineers.

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'

He said, "Working from home"

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height

They didn’t like my critter sizing

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

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I just got kicked outta church because I yelled "fuck the devil!"

I thought we hated this guy.

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I was challenged to my first fight the other day. I picked out an outfit, showed up and got my ass kicked.

It turned out not to be my strong suit.

A man gets kicked out of the public swimming pool...

As he’s being removed he remonstrates ‘but why’? The pool attendant says ‘sir, you’ve been caught urinating in the pool.’ The guy says ‘sure, doesn’t everyone?’ To which the attendant replies’ not from the side.’

Kicked a mime in the nuts today.

Very effective unmute option.

Have you heard of the often repeated story of the monkey whose tail got kicked twice?

It is a twice toed tail

Breaking news: Amidst all the chaos, Eminem just got kicked out of a very high end bar.

Apparantly he asked the bartender for 4 shots but the bartender refused service and said you only get one shot.

Why were the elephants kicked from the pool?

Because they tried to drop their trunks

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

A bunch of animals went to school. Who got kicked out?

The cheetah

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in?

Right off the bat

I was fired and kicked out of the hospital on the very first day as a nurse..............

Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

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Bubba and Clem kicking back on their porch ...

Bubba and Clem kicking back on their porch, wearing their overalls, chewing on a piece of grass.

Bubba: "Hey Clem, y'all 'member that Farmer's Daughter from lass week?"

Clem: "Ye-up", as a smile crosses his face.

Bubba: "Clem, you really care if'n she gets all pregnant?"
...

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I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row.

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

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What’s it called when a donkey kicks you?

Ass-ault

I dont get the jokes about pumped up kicks

They must be aimed at younger audiences

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law

My wife said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough"

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

I was at a nightclub

They played just dance, I just danced

They played twist, I twisted

They played jump, I jumped

They played come on Eileen, I was kicked out of the club

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I got kicked out of math class.

Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?"

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'

So the preacher grabs hi...

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What do you call a prostitute with a decent round house kick?

A Kung Floozy

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class?

He kept blowing up the rectangles and pentagons

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex education

“Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

“One day we should get her for this,” said the first boy.

“I agree. We’ll grab her...” said the second.

“Yeah,” said the third. “And then we’ll kick he...

If you buy a man a plane ticket he will fly once

But if you kick him out of the plane he will fly for the rest of his life.

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My dick was in the Guinness world records books

Until the librarian kicked me out

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

A man promised the mob that he would kick a duck in the mouth.

However the day before he torn his ACL and wasn't able to extend his leg. Panicked, he called his friend and asked him to do it for him. His friend sighed and agreed to help remarking: "Fine, I'll foot the bill."

My 7 year old just came up with these Avatar: The Last Airbender jokes. We were quite surprised.

What kind of music does Toph like?

- Rock-and-Roll


What kind of instrument does Aang play?

- Air guitar


I know it’s not much, but I got a kick out of his reasoning and decided to share.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is gay, his dad kicked him out.

He no longer lives in the home of phobia

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

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A man is in his living room and hears a knock on his door

He gets up to check it, and sees no one, so he is about to shut the door and he hears a voice say “down here”, so the man looks down.

There is a snail on the ground, and he asks, can I stay the night in your house, it’s really cold. The man says “piss off mate” and kicks the snail down the r...

A lady goes into labour and is rushed to the hospital

She is in labour for hours and the birth is excruciating but eventually the baby comes out. The doctor taps the baby's bottom to get it to cry but nothing happens. The doctor then uses a little more force and smacks the baby's bottom harder but still nothing. The mother is getting extremely worried....

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

Y...

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Chuck Norris has been exposed to COVID-19 and has gone on record to his fans as saying "I'm going to kick the shit out of this thing."

After the quote, millions of people worldwide who fear they may be carrying the virus have begun hoarding toilet paper to await the inevitable.

How to catch an elephant

Elephants live in the jungle, so first, you have to go into the jungle.

Your going to have to dig a hole big enough to trap the elephant in.

Next you have to gets lots of leaves, sticks or anything that you can burn and place it into the hole, then burn it to ash.

You have to f...

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A 8 year old girl walks up to her mother

Girl: "Ma what balls can you not play with?"
Mother: "What do you mean?"
Girl: "I will give you a hint. It is attached to the body but you cannot kick them or punch them."
Mother: Looks around and sweats nervously, "The balls attached to a penis?"
Girl: "No ma eyeballs!"

I got kicked out of the strip club

Well if you put "strip" in the name I'm gonna do it.

Q: What's the name of the Muppets episode where Gonzo kicked Kermit in the crotch?

A: Green Achers

They say that laughter is the best medicine.

Then, why was I kicked out the cancer ward for laughing at the patients?

A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.

He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mat...

Why did the unemployed nun get kicked out of the library?

She was caught looking up ‘missionary position’ on their computers.

Got kicked out of Weight Watchers...

I dropped a bag of M&Ms.
Best damn game of Hungry Hungry Hippos I've ever played.

What do you get when you mix human and goat dna?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

My best friend kicked all three of my cats today

I'll get over it, but he really hurt my felines.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why did the basketball player with corona virus got kicked from the team?

Because he started to travel too much.

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A priest is nervous about conducting his first church service...

...he gives it his best effort and does horribly. Feeling dejected he returns to his quarters where he finds an anonymous note, it reads: "Next Sunday, take some of the port and sip it whilst carrying out the service, it will calm your nerves."

The priest thinks this is great advice and sets ...

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At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

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George walks up to me he's bruised and battered and covered in blood...

I ask him what the hell happened to him. He says "I'm just walking along, minding my own business and this horse comes out of nowhere and knocks me down." I say "That explains it, let me call you an ambulance." He says "Hold on I haven't finished yet, so I get up, dust myself down and wouldn't you k...

A man is walk on the beach, when he kicks a bottle.

Poof, out pops a genie. The genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother in-law gets double. Understanding the rule, the mans first wish is a billion dollars. The genie says, “ this means your mother in-law will get 2 billion”. “That’s fine”, replies the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gotcha 3 wishes...

Into my pub one evening, strolled the craziest sight to behold for a Saturday night. This classy looking rolled/player walked to my counter with a gorgeous lady on his right arm, a younger looking woman on his left arm and a leprechaun on his shoulder.

Roller: Barkeep, bring a martini for ea...

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who got the shit kicked out of him after he made fun of that Crews guy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine?



He died of dissin' Terry

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

Once my dad kicked the bucket, our family wasn't able to financially support ourselves anymore.

Turns out treating a broken toe costs a lot of money.

What has 9 arms and kicks ass???

Def Leppard!!!

I kicked a pregnant woman

She gave birth to me 3 months later.

I got kicked in the nuts at Midnight on New Years.

I started the year off on the highest note possible.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They kicked me out of the gym because I was pissing in the shower....

I don't know you, but I always pee while taking a shit.

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on the knee to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

I'll be at Barnes and Noble signing books

from 7pm EST, until whenever security catches me and kicks me out

Since people are translating their native jokes, I hope no one has posted this yet

There were 3 boys who were being chased by the police. John the wise, Peter the smart, and Jose the dumb.


As the police were gaining on them, they each decided to hide in a box in an alley way.

The policeman ran up to John's Box and kicked it.

Thinking quickly, John said...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Tommy lived on a farm,

He woke up one morning and went downstairs for breakfast. Little Tommy's mom said "no, you have to do your chores to get breakfast!"

Little Tommy stormed out of the house an went to feed the chickens and kicked one on the way out. He tromped over to the pigs and kicked one of them as he fill...

Name for a PTSD support group

I just got kicked out of my support group for those chronically depressed with PTSD. We were trying to think up a group name, apparently 'The Suicide Squad' isn't considered appropriate.

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful.

He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

A Russian, an American and a Vietnamese were on a private plane together.

At 10,000 feet, the plane started encountering some problems and the pilot announced: "Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are running out of fuel, we will need to throw our baggage away to reduce the weight if we wish to land safely!"

He then opened the door and asked the passengers to begin letting go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dwayne Johnson is doing a battle scene for a movie...

When suddenly the villain he is fighting kicks him in the butt.

Dwayne shocked, responds "you've just hit rock's bottom"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

Yesterday I got kicked out of a Vietnamese restaurant.

How dare they banh mi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

I accidentally kicked my dog and it bit me on the ball's

My friend say's it's karma but if anything it's angrier than before.

Why did the vegan get kicked out of church?

He said he really enjoyed seitan.

How do you make a hormone?

You kick her in the shin.

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