My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

What do you get if a dinosaur kicks you in the backside?

Megasoreass

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

The last thing my grandpa said before kicking the bucket...

Hey Ed, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? He tripped and fell into a ravine. RIP pops.

So I was kicked out of AA the other day...

Apparently saying "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" wasn't appropriate.

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The Last Thing Grandpa Said Before He Kicked The Bucket

"Who in the FUCK keeps putting that mother FUCKING empty bucket at the goddamn foot of my MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN BED?!"

​Dont kick a volcano

you might Krakatoa

Why was the surgeon kicked off the team?

He couldn't make the cut.

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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

My dad said he'll kick me out for stealing from his kitchen

Well that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

A Sergeant this morning told me "if I turn down the shot I'll get kicked out of the Army."

Me: yeah, but If you get the shot you'll be stuck in the Army...

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Was kicked out of a crappy Vietnamese restaurant…

So I don’t really care if they banh mi.

How’d you circumcise a hill-billy?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

It is only good to kick a pregnant woman if you are ...

on the inside.

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?

It got caught with sea weed.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick from a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

Why did the astronaut kick her bf out of the capsule?

he needed some space

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Why did the nun get kicked out of the convent?

She had a dirty habit.

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient..

Stay positive

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The boy got his ass kicked by his bully after he followed his father’s advice.

The boy thought forsure that playing a nice tune on his violin would dissuade his bully from attacking him through the power of music.

He didn’t understand why it didn’t work, his father was a wise man. The father’s advice advice to the boy was:

“Son, sometimes you must respond to a ph...

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Got kicked out of the local Japanese restaurant last night.

Turns out I misunderstood when my waitress said, “Miso, hot, for you sir”.

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

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What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?

RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!

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Wow, that's possible?

Apparently a man in Australia, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the bar,
decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a
5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.

It almost defies belief.

I mean, how fucking drunk would you have to be to get kic...

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

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What is it called when you kick a girl in the crotch

A clitical hit

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Kick me out after this one

So if you go for a shit at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it’s same shit different day?

An Old West dime store writer walks into a dusty town...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

What do you call a ball that is twelve inches long that you kick?

A football.

I got kicked out of my local Mime troupe yesterday. They didn't like me too much...

I guess it was something I said.

I wanted to be a high-court judge so was studying law, but I got kicked out for vigilantism

Turns out you can't have your cape and edict too

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

My all time favorite: How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and line it with frozen peas. Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

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Got kicked out of the BDSM sex club

I came without permission

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at Manchester...

have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang?

he was ostrich-sized.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

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A joke my dad's friend told me when I was way too young

Going off the dome for this one but it's been burned in my head since I was 8; apologies if it's been told before (couldn't find a direct post). Also, this joke, is uh, from a different era? Apologies again.

There was a woman who found herself recently single after her abusive husband suddenl...

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

Why did the horse get kicked out of the Barnhouse Union?

Because he always voted neigh.

Our bands bassist was always coming in late

He just couldn't get the timing right, so we kicked him out of the band. He got so depressed, he threw himself behind a bus.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

I can't believe that my cheating girlfriend kicked me out of the house.

All because her husband came back from the army.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Why did I get kicked out

All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?

Because they were holding an AA Meeting

I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he kicked the bucket...

"Tom, I'm tired of you leaving this empty bucket around!"

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions? Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief! Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?

Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

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Who's egg is it anyways!

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.


One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's ...

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I know for a fact that getting kicked on the balls hurts more than childbirth.

How do I know this?

Most women want to having another baby despite going through childbirth, yet I’ve never seen a man ask to get kicked in the balls.

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Jewish Mom buys a new apartment

She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.

Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.

"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartm...

How Newton came up with his laws

A cow was walking. Newton shouted at the cow and it stopped. He formed his first law: “an object continues to move unless it’s stopped”.

Newton gave the cow a forceful kick and it made a sound, ‘MA’. He formed his second law: “force, F = MA”.

The cow gave Newton a forceful kick back. H...

After a terrible shipwreck,,,

After a terrible shipwreck, a man found himself alone on an island. He went about the island in search of food and shelter. After a long walk, the man froze in terror as he saw a tribe of cannibals in the middle of a celebration.

The man thought to himself, "I am so screwed!" To his surpr...

I've come here to make non sequiturs and kick ass,

and I'm all out of pineapples.

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Two brothers are fighting…

… in front of their mother and it starts to turn violent. The mother tries to intervene and stop the fight. The younger brother who is taking the brunt of the hits gets frustrated that he couldn’t get as many punches his brother landed says, “Step aside bitch”. The elder brother hearing this gets an...

“You kick ass!”

Yes I also kick heads, torsos and other body parts.

Finally time for my thanksgiving joke!!

Why did the turkey get kicked out of the football stadium?


Because he tryptophan

What do you call a person who got kicked out of Canada?

Can'tadian

My girlfriend kicked me out of the apartment tonight.... she told me it was because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

So I said, "I shall return."

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone gets too close to you, poke them in the gut with it as though it was a bayonette and shout ...

I got kicked out of the hospital!

Apparently the sign “STROKE PATIENTS HERE” meant something completely different.

The Mexican guy next door was fired and kicked out of the house in the same day

You should've seen hispanic

A blonde, a brunette and a red head rob a bank....

A blonde, a brunette and a red head rob a bank. As they are running out carrying their stolen goods, the police begin to chase them down an alleyway.

Running down the alley, the robbers find three large sacks of potatoes to hide behind. "Quick!" said the brunette, hide behind here!"

Th...

I got kicked off the plane.

What? All I said was hi to my friend Jack.

We all thought the Taliban were gone...

And now that they came back we find out they were only Tali-kicked

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

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A Horse Walks Into A Bar…

The Bartender says, “Why the long face?”
The Horse, not knowing the English language, shits all over the floor and kicks the bartender with its back leg and leaves.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

I still remember my father's last words before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey son, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

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A boy gets an F in sex education.

He says "I can't believe it. I want to kick Mrs.Hall in the nuts for this!"

Why did the chicken get kicked out of the coop?

Because it was ostrich-sized.

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I love kicking ass and eating ass

And i’m a paraplegic

On a cold and rainy night a man cuts through a cemetery.

and falls into an freshly dug, empty grave. He struggles to get out but can't climb the wet,slippery walls. He begins shouting for help but has little hope as the rain is making a thunderous noise and it is late at night. A drunk, oblivious to the weather, is wending his way through the graveyard wh...

I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at...

Apparently the correct term is "crime scene."

What's it called when a man gets his crotch kicked.

Testicular Manslaughter.

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I hate double standards. When babies

suck a woman's boobs in public it’s fine, but when I do it, I get kicked out of Cracker Barrel.

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

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A woman packed her husband bags and kicked him out of the house...

As he walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," her husband replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

Why did the snowman get kick out the produce Department

Because he was picking his nose

why did the bread kick the tomato over?

because he loafed him

My computer always wins when we play chess

But it's no match for me in kick-boxing.

OC: Why did I get kicked off the Hogwarts track team?

The hurry and run hurt my knee.

Mr Richard's kid was a drug dealer. So, he kick him out.

Finally, he got rid of his Adickson

I saw a man kicking a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself

How dairy.

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Two men, Joe and bob, both virgins, died and went to heaven.

God introduces them to the heaven!
“Congrats, you get to enjoy eternal life in heaven.
But you have one rule, never eat apples from the forbidden tree” As god pointed to the tree full of delicious apples.

“Uh, what happens if someone eats from it?” Asked Joe.
God replies, “well, um,...

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An old business tycoon marries a young supermodel but knows his jealousy will eventually, get the better of him…

So everyday, the tycoon; Mr Green, rings up his new wife from his office on the top floor of his international corporation headquarters in the city to their penthouse apartment in the suburbs. And everyday, regular as clockwork the wife answers, slightly out of breath and always surprised to hear hi...

What do you get when you mix human DNA and goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mild NSFW Long - A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern...

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.  He is greated fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them then orders a drink of his own. A few drinks in now, his ear pick up three of the older farmers talking:


"You see this! Mary da...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach?

You know.... back Before we were born?

I used to worry about the ice cubes I’d kick into the abyss under the refrigerator.

But I figure, what the hell.

It’s old water under the fridge.

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Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

Me and my dad have been on an old music kick lately.

Two days ago, he had to go on a business trip. We decided that to stay in touch, we would text the names of old songs to each other. The one we both decided was best would win.

The first day, he texted me, “Hooked on a Feeling.”

I texted back, “Old Time Rock n Roll.”

Yesterday ...

What do you call it when a bunch of anti-maskers are kicked out of a store?

A coronal mass ejection.

My family's favorite drummer jokes.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they have machines for that now.

What did the drummer say before he was kicked out of the band?

Hey, I thought I'd share some song ideas I've written.

How do you count drummers?

1, 2 ... 1, 2, 3, 4.

i used to go to hogwarts but they kicked me out because of my dyslexia

apparently spelling matters

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A guy dines alone…

A guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward...

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today

It made me really

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink…

No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

I accidentally kicked my dog earlier and it bit me. My friend said "it's karma"

I said "if anything, it's more annoyed"

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