UPJOKE
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So, my girlfriend kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

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A man and a woman debate whether it is more painful to give birth or to be kicked in the balls

The man argues: Many women after one or two years say 'Honey, do you want to have another child?' but I aint seeing no man saying 'Huh, I fancy getting kicked in the balls again'

I got kicked out of the karaoke bar for singing "Danger Zone" too many times

They lock you out after 5 Loggins attempts.

My best friend got kicked in the groin and passed out so I brought him to the hospital

Me: “How is my friend doing?”

Doctor: “She is ok”

Why did the Girl Scout leader get kicked out of the troop.

They got caught eating brownies.

What do you get if a dinosaur kicks you in the backside?

Megasoreass

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Why did the glue get kicked out of art supplies school?

It didn’t adhere to the rules

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

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Why should you not kick a Ukrainian in the balls

You may hurt your foot

The son of a jewish man got repeatedly kicked out of every school for bad behavior

the kid was a delinquent and was eventually kicked out of every school he was sent to. not having any more options the jewish father sent his son the only school left in the area: a christian school run at a church. In the christian school the son got perfect grades and the teachers described him as...

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**News Flash** Snow White has been kicked out of Disney Land!!

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie you bastard, lie!".

I remember my Grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket…

He said “Wanna see me kick that bucket?”

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket?

"Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket."

Why were the elephants kicked out of the public pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

Just took some Mucinex and waiting for it to kick in.

I feel like an expectorant mother.

Why were the upper arm, and the forearm kicked out of school?

The were found sharing a joint.

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

I was kicked out of the hospital when I tried to cheer up Covid Patients.

All I said was "Don't worry, everything is going to be ok. Just stay positive".

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble

And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab.

So he walked all the way to the airport ...

OP. Got kicked off an electrical job today.

Lady wanted me to check the light fixture in her bedroom. I set up my ladder under the fixture and removed the cover, then asked if she could turn on the switch at the door. Being out in hallway, she said, “Give me a sec.” I smiled and told her I’d give her all the ‘secs’ she wanted.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick from a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

Nasa kicked me out of their astronaut training programme...

They said I was a waste of space!

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

​Dont kick a volcano

you might Krakatoa

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar....

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and sh...

Why did the tea enthusiast get kicked out of the Taiwanese tea shop?

Because he took toolong.

Why was the surgeon kicked off the team?

He couldn't make the cut

My friend was kicked out of the local bar for shouting “Small tower ! Small tower on a Castle wall !!”

It is not his fault his has Turrets.

The last thing my grandpa said before kicking the bucket...

Hey Ed, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? He tripped and fell into a ravine. RIP pops.

Lawyer goes hunting

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I ...

A farmer's wife comes out into the field as he's plowing and begins to nag at him.

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see ...

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What is it called when you kick a girl in the crotch

A clitical hit

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

The US Marines, Delta Force and the Harris County Sheriff's Department are on one of those team building weekends out in the woods.

First night and the instructor says "Right guys. First night out in the woods! Your first test is to go catch your dinner. I want each team to go out and catch a...

So I was kicked out of AA the other day...

Apparently saying "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" wasn't appropriate.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

It is only good to kick a pregnant woman if you are ...

on the inside.

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The Last Thing Grandpa Said Before He Kicked The Bucket

"Who in the FUCK keeps putting that mother FUCKING empty bucket at the goddamn foot of my MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN BED?!"

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Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

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Kick me out after this one

So if you go for a shit at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it’s same shit different day?

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A dirty Easter Joke,,,

A rooster wakes up early Easter Sunday morning. He sticks his head out of the chicken coop, and sees all these multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, takes a look at the hens, ta...

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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I hit the lotto jackpot!

I immediately left work, went home, kicked the door open, and shouted, "Honey, I won the big prize! Start packing your bags!"

She got all excited, and asked, "are we going to Jamaica, or Hawaii, or Prague, or..."

"I don't give a fuck where you're going. Start packing."

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

A Sergeant this morning told me "if I turn down the shot I'll get kicked out of the Army."

Me: yeah, but If you get the shot you'll be stuck in the Army...

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Was kicked out of a crappy Vietnamese restaurant…

So I don’t really care if they banh mi.

A man gets pulled over for speeding.

The cop starts lecturing him on road safety and being a responsible driver, to which the man replies, “Officer, I’m incredibly mindful of safe driving and responsibility. That’s why I need to get home fast before all the drinks kick in!”

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I'm a hunter, and I shot a deer that was on my neighbor's property.

My neighbor came out at the sound of the gunshot and saw the deer. It was clean kill, and the animal was perfect for venison. As I ran up to retrieve it, my neighbor met me there.

"Hey, this deer is mine" he shouted as I approached him.

"No, it's mine. I killed it!" I responded back.<...

Why are Russians bombing cities

For the Ruble (this is my first, please don't kick me)

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

A guy walks into a bar and says “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up. After a few moments the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying. The bartender chases after him and says “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid...

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What did Harry Potter say when Hermione kicked him in the balls?

RESPECTO MY SCROTUM!

What do you call a ball that is twelve inches long that you kick?

A football.

Why did the nun get kicked out of the convent?

She had a dirty habit.

How do you make a peach crumble?

Kick him in the nut.

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NSFW Egyptian Joke about a rat, a lion, and a lioness

One day, a rat came across a lion and his lioness, then said "Fuck you, Lion!". The lion stayed calm and the lioness asked him "Won't you kick his ass up ?!".
"He's a just a stupid rat and doesn't worth the effort" The lion replied.

The very next day, the rat came across the lion and the ...

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball team?

She kept running away from the ball.

I got kicked out of band camp for trying to play a guitar with a bow.

They said I violated it.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

Blonde lady driving down a dirt road…

When she sees another blonde woman in a row boat out in the middle of a cotton field. She slams on her brakes, fuming, and yells out to the lady in the boat “HEY!! IT’S DUMB BLONE BIMBOS LIKE YOU THAT GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD REPUTATION!! AND IF I COULD SWIM, I’D COME KICK YOUR ASS!!”

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The boy got his ass kicked by his bully after he followed his father’s advice.

The boy thought forsure that playing a nice tune on his violin would dissuade his bully from attacking him through the power of music.

He didn’t understand why it didn’t work, his father was a wise man. The father’s advice advice to the boy was:

“Son, sometimes you must respond to a ph...

Learning photography is hard.

Last week I got kicked out of a photography workshop for indecent exposure.

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A nun is walking down the street at night ...

And sees a drunk man staggering her way. She silently asks "please God, protect this poor soul". The drunk staggers closer, then out of nowhere punches the nun square in the nose! She drops, then slowly gets up and says "please God, forgive this man, it's the alcohol demon over him". She gets to he...

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Two men go hunting in the woods

After a couple of hours, one of them goes into the bushes to take a leak. The man's buddy hears a scream and runs up to him.

"What happened to you?" the buddy asks.

"A snake bit me in the dick!" he answers, pointing to the snake, kicked to death. "Call 911!"

The buddy picks up h...

Before the ball could touch the floor, I kicked it back, sending it soaring past the other players and into the top corner of the net. Overcome with emotion, I ripped off my shirt and punched the air. My eyes locked with my stunned coach, who came running towards me shaking his head in amazement.

As he embraced me, he sighed, "OK, let's go over the rules of volleyball one last time."

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions? Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief! Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?

Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

I got kicked out of my local Mime troupe yesterday. They didn't like me too much...

I guess it was something I said.

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

Wembley Tickets- England v Scotland Friday 18th June 2021 Kick off 8pm

One of my best friends has two spare tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. They were £300 each but he didn't realise they are on the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place!

It is at Manchester...

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

The last time I went clubbing was a disaster

They played The Macarena, so I did the Macarena.

They played Stomp, so I did the Stomp.

They played Come on Eileen and I got kicked out

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

have you heard about the emu who was kicked out of the emu gang?

he was ostrich-sized.

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Got kicked out of the BDSM sex club

I came without permission

“You kick ass!”

Yes I also kick heads, torsos and other body parts.

I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he kicked the bucket...

"Tom, I'm tired of you leaving this empty bucket around!"

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This little boy came down to breakfast

and when he got to the table, his mom had ,bacon, eggs and milk on the table, but before he could eat, he had to take out the trash like his mother told him the night before. He was pissed, so he stormed out the door, and on his way to the trash bin he kicked a chicken, and then a pig and a cow. Whe...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

Don’t get into any fights with Italian bread.

It will kick the focaccia.

A string walks into a bar

The bartender says, “we don’t serve strings!” The string says, “cmon man I’ve had a rough day can I just get a drink and lay low?” The bartender says, “no way!” And the string leaves the bar.

The next day the string comes back to the bar. The bartender yells at him, “get the hell out of my ba...

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The girl asked me whether I liked breasts or thighs better. I said both and began to fondle her.

Needless to say I was kicked out of KFC.

Little old man on the bus

A little old man gets on a crowded city bus, every seat filled. A tough looking bloke with a lot of prison tattoos is kicking his feet onto the seat opposite him, keeping it from being used.

The little old waddles over says 'scuze me' and pushes the tough bloke's legs off the seat.
...

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A woman is enjoying herself with her lover and hears keys rattle in the door.

"Hurry," she said, "get into this bag and hide on the balcony. In comes another lover, they get to it and, again she hears tge ratteling of keys. "Get into the bag and hide on the balcony" she says. In comes a third lover. The same thing. Again, keys in the lock and again the lover jumps into a bag ...

Why did I get kicked out

All I did was go to the bank and the woman in front of me asked me if I could check her balance its not my fault she banged her head after

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do you get if you masterbate while reading a encyclopedia?

Kicked out the library

I wanted to be a high-court judge so was studying law, but I got kicked out for vigilantism

Turns out you can't have your cape and edict too

I've come here to make non sequiturs and kick ass,

and I'm all out of pineapples.

I got kicked out of the hospital!

Apparently the sign “STROKE PATIENTS HERE” meant something completely different.

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Jane teaches tarzan a lesson.

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of...

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Did you know?

Did you know that if you stick your penis in a vacuum cleaner, >!they kick you out of Walmart?!<

Why did the horse get kicked out of the Barnhouse Union?

Because he always voted neigh.

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A time traveler meets Adolf Hitler in a bar

Instead of trying to kill him and mess up the timeline he instead sits down to have a drink with Hitler.

The time traveler looked at Hitler and asked “So how are you doing?”

“Pretty terrible, I just got kicked out of art school.”

“Well that sucks, you’ll probably land on your fe...

I can't believe that my cheating girlfriend kicked me out of the house.

All because her husband came back from the army.

What do you call a person who got kicked out of Canada?

Can'tadian

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I know for a fact that getting kicked on the balls hurts more than childbirth.

How do I know this?

Most women want to having another baby despite going through childbirth, yet I’ve never seen a man ask to get kicked in the balls.

Rules are Rules

A farmer’s boy woke up and went to the kitchen to get breakfast. The mother told him that he would get it after his chores were done. He stomps out angrily and heads out to clean the chicken. While going about it, a chicken pecks him and he kicks it. He goes to the pigsty and when one pig knocks him...

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Who was the very first land owner?

Adam. Eve kicked him in the balls and he suddenly became the owner of two acres.

Why did the 9V battery get kicked out of church?

Because they were holding an AA Meeting

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

My girlfriend kicked me out of the apartment tonight.... she told me it was because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

So I said, "I shall return."

Why did the snowman get kick out the produce Department

Because he was picking his nose

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