A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.

Those damn mooselimbs.

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

I used to kick pregnant women...

when I was an infant.

My self defence instructor told me that the best way to immobilize a guy is to kick him in the knees.

Personally I think that’s nuts.

Kentucky Three-Kick.

A man is out pheasant hunting and finds a trespasser hunting on his land. The trespasser has just shot a pheasant. After some heated discussion, the landowner says, "I'll tell you what. Let's play Kentucky Three-Kick. If you win, you keep the bird". The trespasser asks. "What is Kentucky Three-Kick...

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

I'm not sure where all the racists are going to go when social media platforms kick them off

They can't all go to Congress

Why does a football coach angrily kick the vending machine?

He wants his quarterback.

What's something that will only kill you if you kick it?

The bucket.

Walking down the beech, a guy kicks a lamp, and a geenie pops out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects the ...

My girlfriend told me that she'll kick me out if I don't stop quoting Lynyrd Skynyrd.

I asked her "If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?"

Teams are interested in Kareem Hunt

I didn't know kickers where in such high demand.

My wife is Indian, i'm Hispanic, she's pregnant with a girl and we felt it kick for the first time today.

Guess we're having a kickin' chica masala.

On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an
orphanage!

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Just took viagra. It should kick in soon

Knock on wood

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Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

What do you get when you cross whale DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of Sea Life, apparently

A fireman kicks down the door of a house and carries the family out 1 by 1, but there is no fire. A week later the building catches ablaze.

He suffers from premature evacuation.

My landlord is threatening to kick me out because I haven't made a single rental payment in years.

She said, "Listen son, your 35. Don't you think you should get a place of your own?"

LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly kick them under the refrigerator.

It’ll soon be water under the fridge.

I went to my first kick boxing class tonight...

Hopefully, I'll be able to quit boxing for good this time.

What did the yoga instructor say to the landlord that tried to kick her out

Namaste

My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.

Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!

I got kicked out of my book club meeting because I tried to review Tommy Wiseau’s book adaptation of his movie despite never actually having read it.

I should have noticed how irritated the crowd was getting at my inaccurate speech, but I didn’t read The Room.

My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?

When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells good.

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Me and the wife were having a chat about the worst pain ever, she said childbirth, I said no a kick in the balls is worse, how do you work that out she said? I replied after two years you look up and say, I want another baby, do I look up and say.

I want another kick in the balls?

A Blonde is driving through rural farm country and sees another blond rowing a boat in the middle of a cornfield...

She pulls to the side of the road and yells "Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?"

The blonde in the boat stops rowing and stands up. "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm going to work!"

Puzzled the blonde in the car gets out and walks to the side of the road and yells, "You k...

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

Don't believe everything you hear

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator r...

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to hav...

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

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A man is sitting at a bar when an Asian man walks in and sits next to him

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks the first man off his barstool

The first man looks at him and asks him why he did I that and the Asian man replies that's karate from Korea

Not wanting any trouble the man gets up and sits back down

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks th...

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I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum

And I'm all outta ass.

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Since we're on a vacuum kick...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners....

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A snail walks into a bar, but the bartender kicks him out. After 1 year the same Snail re-enters into that bar and says to the bartender...

..."Why the fuck did you do that for?"

How does a redneck get a circumcision?

He kicks his sister in the jaw

What martial art does a vegan kick boxer specialize in?

To-fu

I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said,

"Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

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I’ve been kicking ass all day. Not taking names, just kicking ass.

But i work at the census bureau so I should probably start.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

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Texas Three Kick Rule.

A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm.

The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm's s...

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said: "Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."

Yep, he really put his whole body weight into that kick. So when I moved the bucket last second he fell and broke his neck.

So a mushroom walks into a bar, bartender immediately kicks him out

The mushroom replies "why are you kicking me out? I'm a fun-gi"

How do you circumcise a guy from Alabama?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.

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Scottish Flirting

A couple went out to the pub in Scotland for a few drinks. The boyfriend went to the loo, leaving his girlfriend alone at the bar.

A sauced fellow approaches her at the bar. "Wow," he says in his thick accent, "you're so beautiful! If yous was my girlfriend, I'd kiss ye all over!"

The ...

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

A friend of mine was finally able to kick his painkiller habit.

Now he's OxyClean.

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I'm going to invent a button that you kick to turn on your computer

and call it DOS boot.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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If I ever became invisible, I'd kick fuck out of a mime

Imagine the round of applause he'd get

What do you use to kick a canister of mints?

your tic-tac toe

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My GF and I would kick ass at the newlywed game.

I know 100% of her answers to questions is " I don't know".

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A kid walks up a businessman on the phone, and tells him that at 12 o'clock he'll kick is fucking ass.

Infuriated, the businessman hangs up and chases the kid who runs away laughing. After 3 blocks of relentless pursuit, the businessman is winded, but still headed in the direction he saw the kid run off to.

A few minutes later, a buddy of the businessman happens to intercept him as they cros...

I hate when people kick my cats!

It really hurts my felines.

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A pope in the middle ages is trying to kick the Jews out of Rome...

And the Jewish population is able to convince him to hear out their side first before making them leave. The pope agrees, but the only Jewish man who thinks himself to be a good enough debater is the rabbi, Moishe. But since Moishe only speaks Hebrew and the Pope only Latin and Italian, they agree t...

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I go to the doctors office and describe the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

They tried to kick me out of my Yoga class the other day. You know what I told them?

"Nah, I'm a stay."