If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

Why was the mermaid kicked out of Geometry class?

She forgot her Algae-bra.

I got kicked out of the hospital!

Apparently the sign “STROKE PATIENTS HERE” meant something completely different.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...

...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

I still remember my father's last words before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey son, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

I used to worry about the ice cubes I’d kick into the abyss under the refrigerator.

But I figure, what the hell.

It’s old water under the fridge.

Why was the ghost kicked out of the bar?

Because he had one too many boos!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman packed her husband bags and kicked him out of the house...

As he walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," her husband replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

When I told my parents that I'd lost all of my senses except hearing and taste, they kicked me out

They won't support me now that they know I'm bisensual

i used to go to hogwarts but they kicked me out because of my dyslexia

apparently spelling matters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall, I was about to confront them and kick the guys' ass.

But it wouldn't be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

I farted in an Apple store and it smelled so bad they kicked me out.

It’s not my fault, they didn’t have Windows

Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach?

You know.... back Before we were born?

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team?

She swallowed a fly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently got my ass kicked at a Mexican restaurant.

I don’t recommend ordering the machos.

Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket?

“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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I got kicked out of hobby lobby for dipping my balls in glitter

Pretty nuts huh!!

Danny kicked his way to the karate tournament title without throwing a single punch

Turns out he's a master of partial arts

I was bullying and kicking this pregnant lady for quite some time

It was soooo awkward when she birthed me lol

Everybody got SO mad when I kicked the pregnant woman

Apparently it's only cool when the baby does it.

I'm a girl training in MMA. My instructor just taught me how to do the donkey kick!

He says we're going to work on the donkey punch tomorrow!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of walmart for trying to get a bargain.

I told the cashier that i was going to dicker.

What did the man say when he was getting kicked out of the sperm bank

That’s the last time I’m coming in here

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

Why was the Marine kicked out of the adult video store?

Dishonorable discharge

The Canadian police kicked down my door to my meth lab

Thankfully i was able to escape while they were trying to fix my door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

Saw an Eskimo practicing MMA kicks.

He did a really good roundhouse.

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

Why did the vulture get kicked off the plane?

They didn’t allow carrion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team?

She kept getting penalized for hooking.

Three thieves are in a house...

Three thieves are in a house when suddenly they hear someone come through the door. In a hurry to hide as soon as possible, each finds a gunny sack to hide inside. When the owner comes in and finds three unfamiliar sacks, he kicks the first one, the thief inside thinks quick and makes a sound simila...

Why do some engineers never get kicked out of anything?

They're civil engineers.

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'

He said, "Working from home"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandparents kicked me out of their house because I watch too much porn

"**It's your loss, step-grandma and step-grandpa!!**"

I got kicked out of a graveyard the last time I went to Scotland.

They didn't appreciate me writing "Graveheart" on William Wallace's tombstone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life.

End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry," says the inte...

I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height

They didn’t like my critter sizing

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm.

A hunter shoots a duck and it falls into a farm. The farmer comes out to stop the hunter getting the duck since it’s on his farm. The hunter asks politely and the farmer caves in but with 1 exception. The three kick rule. Each person can kick the other 3 times each turn. Whoever gives up or leaves i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

My boyfriend is kicking me out of his house for constantly singing lyrics from "Take on me"

He said he's giving me the weekend to move all my stuff out, and he asked me when I would be able to finally leave, so I replied with "I'll be gone in a day or two."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got kicked outta church because I yelled "fuck the devil!"

I thought we hated this guy.

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

The reason Nevada doesn’t have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Kicked a mime in the nuts today.

Very effective unmute option.

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

Breaking news: Amidst all the chaos, Eminem just got kicked out of a very high end bar.

Apparantly he asked the bartender for 4 shots but the bartender refused service and said you only get one shot.

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

Nothing ... it’s on the house.

Figured I would kick off the Christmas jokes with one of my favourites.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my penis was in the guinness book of world records...

until i got kicked out of the library

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was challenged to my first fight the other day. I picked out an outfit, showed up and got my ass kicked.

It turned out not to be my strong suit.

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in?

Right off the bat

Why were the elephants kicked from the pool?

Because they tried to drop their trunks

A woman on a farm is getting breakfast ready for her family.

As she works at the counter, she notices her son out in the yard bullying several of the animals. When he comes in for breakfast she sets a bowl if dry cereal and a glass of water in front of him.

"What gives mom?"

"Well son, I watched you picking on the animals, so I'm punishing you a...

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

A bunch of animals went to school. Who got kicked out?

The cheetah

How to catch a bear

Dig a hole and fill it with ash. Surround the hole with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea kick him in the ash hole.

Have you heard of the often repeated story of the monkey whose tail got kicked twice?

It is a twice toed tail

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

My computer beat me at chess.

But I beat it at kick boxing.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s it called when a donkey kicks you?

Ass-ault

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

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I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

A young boy living on a farm came down to eat breakfast.

His Mother told him he had to do his chores before he could eat. He got mad but went out to do his chores when a chicken ran across in front of him so being still mad he kicked it. Momma was watching. When the cow kicked over the milk pail, he kicked the cow. Momma was watching. When a pig splattere...

A man's dentures break so he goes to his dentist.

The dentist examines the broken dentures and says they're corroded. The dentist says, This is quite strange. Is there an unusual food or drink you are regularly eating or drinking? The man says, I'm on this kick where I'm putting Hollandaise sauce on everything. I love it.

The dentist says,...

I dont get the jokes about pumped up kicks

They must be aimed at younger audiences

There once was a kingdom in a far off land.

The kingdom was called Tridd, and the king had a troll problem. On a nearby mountain, there was a troll that would hurl rocks at the kingdom. So he sent an army of his best soldiers to kill it. However, the troll simply kicked them all down the mountain.

So, the king tried to negotiate with t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bubba and Clem kicking back on their porch ...

Bubba and Clem kicking back on their porch, wearing their overalls, chewing on a piece of grass.

Bubba: "Hey Clem, y'all 'member that Farmer's Daughter from lass week?"

Clem: "Ye-up", as a smile crosses his face.

Bubba: "Clem, you really care if'n she gets all pregnant?"
...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class?

He kept blowing up the rectangles and pentagons

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law

My wife said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of math class.

Apparently, "rinsing your mouth" is the wrong answer to "what comes after 69?"

So this dude dies and goes to heaven...

... as he's approaching the pearly gates, St Peter says to him. "Ok, it's like this. You don't get into heaven just for being good anymore. You have to have done something really great. Can you think of anything that might qualify you?"

The man says. "Well, I once saw a group of really m...

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prostitute with a decent round house kick?

A Kung Floozy

There are some things you just can’t explain

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was si...

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed, " Lie to me! Lie to Me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is everybody so scared of germs nowadays?

We kicked their ass in WW2 we can do it again

Sundays are awesome! Nothing feels better than spending all day laying around in my underwear.

Constantly getting kicked off the subway sucks though.

A man promised the mob that he would kick a duck in the mouth.

However the day before he torn his ACL and wasn't able to extend his leg. Panicked, he called his friend and asked him to do it for him. His friend sighed and agreed to help remarking: "Fine, I'll foot the bill."

A man is walking along a beach when he finds something in the sand.

He kicks it over and sees that it’s a magic lamp. A genie comes out and tell him, “Since you found me, I will grant you 3 wishes, but since you kicked me the person you hate most will receive double that wish” The person who the man hated most was his boss, so the man asked for his first wish, “I’d ...

Attitude Adjustment

For her birthday, Jane received a fully-grown parrot as a gift. It was a brilliantly colored, with plumes of emerald green, sunset orange, ocean blue, and ruby red. But the parrot had a vocabulary worse than a sailor's. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride...

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. ...

I am getting really bored with this lock-down.

My Wife suggested that I make a bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I put her in fifth place.

Little Johnny's grandfather comes home from a doctor's appointment.

As he enters the house, he sees a bucket in the middle of the floor. He says to Little Johnny. "Johnny, why is there is a bucket on the floor?"

Little Johnny says, "Just kick off to the side, grandpa." and Grandpa does.

"Yay, we're going to Disneyland" Little Johnny exclaims.

"W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

Marines

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas,headed for Houston.. One sat in the window seat,the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off,an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes,wiggled his toes and was settling i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is gay, his dad kicked him out.

He no longer lives in the home of phobia

A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.

He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mat...

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