In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

A mans wife warns him if he comes home drunk after a night out again she'll kick him out.

He goes out with his mates to the pub with a promise to his wife he shall be home by midnight and will not get drunk. He gets to the bar, several hours and many drinks later, the man is in a terrible state.

He has thrown up over himself, fallen over and generally ended up blind drunk. His mat...

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don't worry...

I'll return

I kicked a pregnant woman

She gave birth to me 3 months later.

What has 9 arms and kicks ass???

Def Leppard!!!

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Why was Osama bin laden kicked out of geometry class.

He kept blowing up the pentagons.

Why was the thorn kicked out of the rose?

Because he was being a prick.

Why did Sean Connery get kicked out of the strip club?

He told a stripper to sit on his lap.

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

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A guy is minding his own business, drinking at the bar, when a random Asian guy runs in and kicks the living shit out of him.

He's laying on the floor bleeding, and he says, "What the hell, buddy?"

The Asian guy replies, "That was Judo, from Japan!"

A few days later, the guy is quietly drinking again, and another Asian guy runs in and also beats him senseless.

He's lying on the floor and he groans, "W...

My wife got angry at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator...

But now it's all just water under the fridge

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My school took my MP3 after I sung the song “Pumped Up Kicks” loudly in class.

When I brought my new MP4, they took it, and my friends laughed at me.

Today I brought my MP5 and everyone started screaming and some weird kids danced.

I still remember what my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket..

He said “hey, wanna see how far i can kick this bucket?”

I just got kicked out of my improv group

I don’t give a schtick.

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

I must confess, I have repeatedly kicked a helpless, pregnant woman.

But to be fair, I was a fetus, what was I supposed to do?

It’s the anniversary of my dear grandfather’s death, and I’ll never forget what he said to me right before he kicked the bucket.

He said,

“wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket:

Always put on steel toes before doing this.

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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

Did you hear about the drummer that got kicked out of his band for having horrible timing?

He got so depressed that he threw himself behind a speeding bus!

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What's the best thing about kicking the shit out of an orphan kid?

They cannot tell their parents



Very sorry about saying this

A man joins an atheist club at his school and at the first meeting says "Hello, I'm Christian" and the leader of the club kicks him out.

It's difficult being an atheist named Christian.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

A man is walk on the beach, when he kicks a bottle.

Poof, out pops a genie. The genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother in-law gets double. Understanding the rule, the mans first wish is a billion dollars. The genie says, “ this means your mother in-law will get 2 billion”. “That’s fine”, replies the...

I had to get kicked in the face today.

I was too late and I missed the punch line.

Why should you never kick a dinosaur?

You’ll get jurasskicked.

I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

What hurts more? Giving birth or being kicked in the nuts.

Kicked in the nuts, you don't ever hear guys asking to be kicked in the nuts again.

I got kicked out of the pool today for peeing in the pool

I said: but everyone does it

Lifeguard: Yeah, but they all do it in the pool.

I got kicked out of the Apple store for farting

It’s not my fault they didn’t have Windows

Whether she kicks you in the groin or sits on your face...

Taint gonna happen either way.

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My son got kicked out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.....

I told him, "*Son that's 3 schools this year, maybe teaching isn't for you*".

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Why was the Amish woman kicked out of her colony?

She slept with two Mennonite.

My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

My wife was really scared when I said: Police! Freeze! She kicked me in the face.

Guess I won’t go undercover again.

I got kicked out of a bar last night...

It was a goofy place, they had a “classic music” dance contest. I was the clear winner. They played “The Hustle” so I did The Hustle. They played “The Twist” so I did the twist.

But then they played “Come On Eileen”

What did the monkey say when he was kicked between the legs?

Oh macaque!

A man walks along a beach and stubs his toe on a lamp. In frustration, he kicks it.

Suddenly, a Genie comes out! He tells the man “I must grant you three wishes since you have awoken me. However since you kicked me, I will give the person you hate the most, your boss, twice whatever you wish.”
The man instantly says “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers. “d...

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.

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I was once a part of a nine-member sex cult who aimed to please this one main red-hot guy. I was then kicked out from it but my life still revolves around the main guy and I remain friends with the others.

Guess my relationship with them is Plutonic.

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

I got kicked out of the library

They booted me out because I moved all of the books on trickle-down economics to the fiction section

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Why was the foreskin kicked out of the party?

Q: Why was the foreskin kicked out of the party?
A: Because he was a little bit of a dick.

What do you call someone after you just kicked them in the balls?

Numbnuts

I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in

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A fisherman was kicked out of his band.

They didn’t like the way he was slappin the bass.

Tried to get video of Chuck Norris kicking a cap off a bottle.

But the cap fled in terror before it happened.

I just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times

I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts

I got kicked out of the local Mexican restaurant

All I did was ask for ICE

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Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.

"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us loo...

What does the furniture say when you kick it?

Couch.

My SO is kicking me out the house because apparently I’m obsessed with rap.

She told me 2pac my bags and leave.

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My dick was in the Guinness book of world record

Shortly after I got kicked out the library

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Why was the dyslexic kid kicked out of the movie theater?

He kept asking where to buy cop porn.

I'm not sure where all the racists are going to go when social media platforms kick them off

They can't all go to Congress

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Took one of those DNA-ancestory kits, and after my results, they're kicking me out of the Ku Klux Klan...

I found out my parents aren't even related

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Control your Woody

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides ...

Got kicked out of a funeral today

My mourning wood was showing

I got kicked out of a church confessional today.

Apparently "Forgive me father for I have sinned." And "I'm sorry daddy I've been naughty." Don't have the same meaning?

I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson...

Apparently it's called an "Eye disection" not "Eye digestion"

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

Why does a football coach angrily kick the vending machine?

He wants his quarterback.

My grandpa was there when the titanic sunk. He kept on yelling that it was going to sink.

They had to kick him out the movie theater.

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Why were snowwhite and pinocchio kicked out of Disneyland?

Because snowwhite kept sitting on pinocchio's face screaming "LIE YOU BASTARD, LIE!!"

I kicked my wife out when she was 8 1/2 months pregnant.

No fat chicks.

Rules is rules.

You know what's easy to make? Shoe jokes.

Too bad they have no sole. They just seem to cobbled together. I'd like to boot anyone making shoe jokes from my life.


I assume you guys didn't get a kick out of that string of jokes, so I'll just sneak away.

I was kicked out of my church for suggesting Jesus may have spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith.

Kentucky Three-Kick.

A man is out pheasant hunting and finds a trespasser hunting on his land. The trespasser has just shot a pheasant. After some heated discussion, the landowner says, "I'll tell you what. Let's play Kentucky Three-Kick. If you win, you keep the bird". The trespasser asks. "What is Kentucky Three-Kick...

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

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Free drinking with a sausage

English is not my first language, so if you can improve the joke, let me know! :)




It was a Saturday night, and 2 friends (John and Mike) wanted to drink badly, but had no money.

So Mike had an bright idea and said:"hey so hear me out John. I got a sausage, I'll put it in m...

Three women (redhead, blondie and an asian) have just escaped a prison, and the cops are looking for them...

The girls were running trough the city and went into one of those fruit/ vegetables' market to hide, and find 3 bag of potatoes big enough for them to hide inside.

After a while, one cop that is looking for them finds the bags, and realize that they're kind of weird... So he approaches and ki...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

Once there was a lion and a monkey.

The monkey said, “I can make the weather change.” And the lion said, “No, you can’t.”

So the monkey started climbing up the tree. And then he started peeing on the lion’s head. “Now it’s raining!” Then he started farting. “Now there’s thunder!” Then he started doo-dooing. “Now it’s snowing...

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

I don’t know why I got kicked off the plane for bringing a dead animal.

I mean, it did say I could bring a “carrion” bag,

I once got kicked out of a Depeche Mode after show party for eating Dave Gahan's Brie and Stilton.

Apparently they were his own personal cheeses.

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NSFW - Man goes to a brothel (long)

A man goes to a brothel and asks for the most experienced woman they have.
The madam introduces him to a nice lady, he agrees and they go to the room.


During foreplay the man starts fingering the woman, starting with one finger.
Since the girl is a bit big and doesn't seem ...

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Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ...

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I just got my ass kicked by a British debt collector

Pound for pound, not very pleasant.

Why was the golfer kicked from the animal rights club?

He hit a birdie

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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

What’s the fastest way to circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

A guy in a small town finds out his wife is cheating on him...

In a rage, he grabs his 6-shooter and kicks open the front door of the only bar in town and yells at everyone, "Whoever is sleeping with my wife is about to be shot!"

...

Quiet voice in the back says, "You're going to need more bullets mate..."

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man are running away from a murder

They run into a bar and say to the bartender “quick, we need somewhere to hide, there’s a man trying to kill us!”

The bartender says “there are some sacks in the cellar, hide in them, just pretend to be what was in them before you emptied them.”

So they run downstairs to hide in the sa...

A drunk man was kicked out of the bar.

He is desperately wanting another drink but they won’t allow him back in. He notices two young blokes walking up tot he bar. “Hey you, buy me another drink,” he mumbles.
“Do it yourself,” the two young men laughed.
“I can’t, I was kicked of the bar,” the drunk man exclaimed.
The drunk man w...

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A thief breaks into a house...

As he is looting the house, he realizes that the home owner returned, so he decided to hide.

As he is looking for a hiding spot he find four large metal containers with various things in them, he hides in the last one and waits for the owner to leave again.

As the owner returned he kno...

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and fowl (pun intended) vocabulary

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The par...

I went to my retro themed grad party last year...

It was a stereotypical grad party themed around the days of old. Everyone wore old clothes and had classic American food. The music was old too


First was the "Twist", and only a few people were dancing on the floor

The next song was "Jump" and the majority of the people were jumpin...

My self defence instructor told me that the best way to immobilize a guy is to kick him in the knees.

Personally I think that’s nuts.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

What do you get when you mix human DNA and Zebra DNA?

You get kicked out of the zoo.

A man walks into a bar

He proceeds to sit down when the bartender approaches him and asks his drink.

“Whiskey” he says.

After the bartender pours it, a leprechaun that’s been sitting on the mans shoulder runs down and kicks the glass, thus spilling it everywhere.

“Another one please” the guy says. ...

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Just took viagra. It should kick in soon

Knock on wood

If only more game companies acted like blizzard.

I could probably kick my gaming addiction.

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