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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.

Those damn mooselimbs.

A man is walk on the beach, when he kicks a bottle.

Poof, out pops a genie. The genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for, his mother in-law gets double. Understanding the rule, the mans first wish is a billion dollars. The genie says, “ this means your mother in-law will get 2 billion”. “That’s fine”, replies the...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash.

Cop’s wife: Stop kicking the door.

What does the furniture say when you kick it?

Couch.

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

A man walks along a beach and stubs his toe on a lamp. In frustration, he kicks it.

Suddenly, a Genie comes out! He tells the man “I must grant you three wishes since you have awoken me. However since you kicked me, I will give the person you hate the most, your boss, twice whatever you wish.”
The man instantly says “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers. “d...

My wife was really scared when I said: Police! Freeze! She kicked me in the face.

Guess I won’t go undercover again.

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An English and an Irish farmer are arguing at their fence over Politics when along comes a chicken and lays an egg right on the fence boundary.

The English farmer exclaims "It's my egg, because it's my Chicken", and the Irish farmer replies with "Well, the egg is mostly on my side of the fence, so it's mine". They argue back and forth about an hour, until the Irish farmer comes up with a solution.

"To see who the strongest farmer is...

I finally got to watch End Game, but this kid wouldn’t stop crying so I had to kick him out.

The rest of the plane ride was nice and quiet.

I'm not sure where all the racists are going to go when social media platforms kick them off

They can't all go to Congress

Why does a football coach angrily kick the vending machine?

He wants his quarterback.

Kentucky Three-Kick.

A man is out pheasant hunting and finds a trespasser hunting on his land. The trespasser has just shot a pheasant. After some heated discussion, the landowner says, "I'll tell you what. Let's play Kentucky Three-Kick. If you win, you keep the bird". The trespasser asks. "What is Kentucky Three-Kick...

My self defence instructor told me that the best way to immobilize a guy is to kick him in the knees.

Personally I think that’s nuts.

Was playing soccer last week and the referee said I could only take the free kick if the ball was stationery.

So I swapped it for a pencil.

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

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Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

What's something that will only kill you if you kick it?

The bucket.

On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven."

Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an
orphanage!

My girlfriend told me that she'll kick me out if I don't stop quoting Lynyrd Skynyrd.

I asked her "If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?"

I went to my first kick boxing class tonight...

Hopefully, I'll be able to quit boxing for good this time.

Teams are interested in Kareem Hunt

I didn't know kickers where in such high demand.

Walking down the beech, a guy kicks a lamp, and a geenie pops out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects the ...

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Just took viagra. It should kick in soon

Knock on wood

A fireman kicks down the door of a house and carries the family out 1 by 1, but there is no fire. A week later the building catches ablaze.

He suffers from premature evacuation.

My landlord is threatening to kick me out because I haven't made a single rental payment in years.

She said, "Listen son, your 35. Don't you think you should get a place of your own?"

What do you get when you cross whale DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of Sea Life, apparently

LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly kick them under the refrigerator.

It’ll soon be water under the fridge.

My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.

Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!

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Me and the wife were having a chat about the worst pain ever, she said childbirth, I said no a kick in the balls is worse, how do you work that out she said? I replied after two years you look up and say, I want another baby, do I look up and say.

I want another kick in the balls?

I got kicked out of my book club meeting because I tried to review Tommy Wiseau’s book adaptation of his movie despite never actually having read it.

I should have noticed how irritated the crowd was getting at my inaccurate speech, but I didn’t read The Room.

My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

When do you kick a dwarf in the balls?

When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells good.

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket

Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

A Blonde is driving through rural farm country and sees another blond rowing a boat in the middle of a cornfield...

She pulls to the side of the road and yells "Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?"

The blonde in the boat stops rowing and stands up. "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm going to work!"

Puzzled the blonde in the car gets out and walks to the side of the road and yells, "You k...

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to hav...

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

What sound does a duck make when you kick it?

Quack! What did you think?
What sound does a horse make when you kick it?
Neigh!
What sound does a pig make when you kick it?
BACKUP! I NEED BACKUP!

...

Not a cop hater... Just a joke.

You are at one side of a bridge, with a bear, a wolf, a goat, and a big bundle of grass. You have to cross the bridge, but can only hold one at a time. If left alone, the bear will kick the wolf off the cliff, the wolf will eat the sheep, and the sheep will eat the grass. How do you do it?

Just juggle them.

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A man is sitting at a bar when an Asian man walks in and sits next to him

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks the first man off his barstool

The first man looks at him and asks him why he did I that and the Asian man replies that's karate from Korea

Not wanting any trouble the man gets up and sits back down

Five minutes later the Asian man kicks th...

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I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum

And I'm all outta ass.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

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Since we're on a vacuum kick...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners....

I've finally found the strength to kick my post-thanksgiving addiction

I'm quitting cold-turkey

I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said,

"Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

What martial art does a vegan kick boxer specialize in?

To-fu

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Texas Three Kick Rule.

A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake, and a farm.

The Lawyer was a bad shot, and scared all the ducks into the air. One finally landed on the fence of the farm across from the lake. The lawyer took aim, and fired. The duck keeled over and fell onto the dirt on the farm's s...

So a mushroom walks into a bar, bartender immediately kicks him out

The mushroom replies "why are you kicking me out? I'm a fun-gi"

What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery ?

Namaste

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Scottish Flirting

A couple went out to the pub in Scotland for a few drinks. The boyfriend went to the loo, leaving his girlfriend alone at the bar.

A sauced fellow approaches her at the bar. "Wow," he says in his thick accent, "you're so beautiful! If yous was my girlfriend, I'd kiss ye all over!"

The ...

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A snail walks into a bar, but the bartender kicks him out. After 1 year the same Snail re-enters into that bar and says to the bartender...

..."Why the fuck did you do that for?"

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said: "Hey, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."

Yep, he really put his whole body weight into that kick. So when I moved the bucket last second he fell and broke his neck.

A major yet unspoken difference between medieval times and now is...

These days, if someone owns a sword, it's a pretty safe bet you can kick their ass.

What did the yoga instructor say to her landlord when he tried to kick her out?

Namaste.

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I’ve been kicking ass all day. Not taking names, just kicking ass.

But i work at the census bureau so I should probably start.

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If I ever became invisible, I'd kick fuck out of a mime

Imagine the round of applause he'd get

A friend of mine was finally able to kick his painkiller habit.

Now he's OxyClean.

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My GF and I would kick ass at the newlywed game.

I know 100% of her answers to questions is " I don't know".

Most people have weird things that turn them on

But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

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Little Bobby is angry at his sex-ed teacher, because he didnt pass the last exam

Now he plans his revenge with his friend Sam, who also failed in sex-ed.
Bobby: Listen, you will hide on this side of the door, and when she comes in you throw your jacket over her head, so she cant see us, then i will kick her in the balls.

What do you use to kick a canister of mints?

your tic-tac toe

A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw

A farmer’s wife is looking out the window as she is washing some dishes and sees her son walking home from school.

The son is visibly angry. As he’s walking he kicks a pig. He continues to walk and kicks a chicken. When he gets inside the house the mother confronts him.

She says, “I saw what you did out there. For kicking the pig you get no bacon for one week and for kicking the chicken you get no eggs f...

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A kid walks up a businessman on the phone, and tells him that at 12 o'clock he'll kick is fucking ass.

Infuriated, the businessman hangs up and chases the kid who runs away laughing. After 3 blocks of relentless pursuit, the businessman is winded, but still headed in the direction he saw the kid run off to.

A few minutes later, a buddy of the businessman happens to intercept him as they cros...

I hate when people kick my cats!

It really hurts my felines.

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