The 99+ Best Kick Jokes

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

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Johnny got kicked out of class today

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet

I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,

"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

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The Pope announces he's kicking all the Jews out of Rome...

Outraged, the Jewish community call for a chance to debate the Pope and fight to stay.

They elect their best Rabbi and he travels to the Vatican to sit down with the Pope and plead for the Jews right to stay in Rome.

Since the Pope only speaks Latin and the Rabbi only s...

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My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off...

I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you

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What is it called when you kick a girl in the crotch

A clitical hit

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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.

But now it's just water under the fridge.

I remember my dad's last words before kicking the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she’s never...

...playing Scrabble with me again.

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Since we're on a vacuum kick...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners....

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This asshole calling himself a "food critic" said my cooking was shit, so I kicked him in the mouth

He didn't enjoy the taste of defeat

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A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school...

A Jewish kid gets kicked out of every school he attends.

His parents try putting him in Jewish schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in public school. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Montessori schools. Expelled.

His parents try putting him in Military s...

A dwarf was kicked out of a nudist colony

Apparently, he kept sticking his nose in everyones' business.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

'How far do you reckon I can kick this bucket?'

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I got kicked out of a restaurant for having improper dress. Reminds me of a funny story.

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

My wife kicked me out. She says it’s because I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

28 years ago I kicked a pregnant woman for the last time.

Today's my birthday

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin

And giraffes were born

I got kicked out of the hospital.

Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:

1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

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Kick me out after this one

So if you go for a shit at 11:59pm and you still on it at 12:01am does that literally mean it’s same shit different day?

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see...

My best friend got kicked in the groin and passed out so I brought him to the hospital

Me: “How is my friend doing?”

Doctor: “She is ok”

What do to call it when a ballerina kicks someone in the balls?

A nutcracker!

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

What do you get if a dinosaur kicks you in the backside?

Megasoreass

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I was kicked out of my doctor's office for masturbating

He's the one who said I could have a stroke anytime!

I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on..

.. the suspension is killing me.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

We kicked the drummer out if the band because his timing was awful.

He was so upset he went to the station and threw himself behind a train.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kick the ocean.

That's why we have tides now.

Why was the transvestite kicked out of the airplane?

Too much drag

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

My bathroom candle kicks ass!

I refer to it as the John wick.

I got kicked out of my favorite Vietnamese restaurant and told I can never come back.

How dare they banh mi!

call me anything you want, i kicked a pregnant lady right at her stomach, and I'm proud of it

i kicked her from the inside though

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Why was the volleyball captain kicked out of prom?

For spiking the punch.

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The pope decided to kick out all the Jews from Italy

So one day the pope decided to kick out all the Jews in Italy, and of course the Jews had a thing or two to say about that.

After much uproar the pope relented and said "take 3 days to find your most wisest rabbi and he and I will have a silent battle of knowledge. If I win you leave, if you ...

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

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Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?

He kept cutting in line.

Someone recently got kicked out of flight school

Their career just couldn’t take off

They kicked me out of a Covid-19 ward the other day…

…because when I left I said “stay positive everyone”

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in?

Right off the bat

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money.

He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times ro...

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'

He said, "Working from home"

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What do you call a death by someone kicking your butt?

*Assass*ination

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Jane was obviously attracted to Tarzan and asking him about his life asked how he had sex..

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

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Why did snow white get kicked out of disneyland?

She was caught sitting on pinoccios face yelling lie you stupid fucker

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

Why did the dyslexic wizard get kicked out of school?

He couldn't spell

Giving Birth, or Getting Kicked in the Nuts!

Which Hurts More?

Obviously it's getting kicked in the nuts.
Why? Well you don't get kicked in the Nuts, wait a year and decide, I'll try that again.

Game-Over on that debate!

Which hurts worse: a kick in the nuts, or having a baby?

This has been a debate over the ages: which hurts worse, getting a swift kick to the nuts or birthing a child. It's kind of hard to say since men and women are quite different creatures, but I have noticed something. If a woman goes through childbirth, sometimes a year or so later, she'll ask to hav...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

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There's a guy out there that will let you kick him in the testicles for $10.

And it doesn't matter how hard you kick, he says that he doesn't feel any pain.

What a nutcase.

I got kicked out of the Karaoke bar last night for singing Danger Zone, then Footloose, then I'm Alright ...

...too many attempted Logging's...

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

I got kicked out of a buffet

If they didn't want me to eat the patrons, the rules should have said so.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

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A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

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A woman was cheating on her husband with 3 guys.

During one night she noticed that her husband came home earlier. She told the guys to hide in the sacks. When her husband entered the room he asked "What are these sacks doing here?". The woman answered "Well, my relatives came by and left these as a present.".

The man walked towards the firs...

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law.

My neighbour said ‘Well, are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

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Two men want to get drunk...

But only have 10 dollars on them. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "I have an idea! Let's go to the deli and buy a salami." The friend is confused but goes along with the plan. They head to the deli, buy the salami and finally head to the bar. They start drinking beer after beer and befor...

Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

Why were the upper arm, and the forearm kicked out of school?

The were found sharing a joint.

I kicked the big C to the curb!

And after leaving my wife, I beat cancer too!

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

Dont kick a volcano

you might Krakatoa

i was kicked out of the karaoke bar after trying to sing 'danger zone' 4 times.

They said it was too many Loggins attempts.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

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