This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when you kick a girl in the crotch

A clitical hit

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions? Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief! Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?

Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

I was kicked out of the COVID ward...

because I told them to stay positive.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

Why was the mermaid kicked out of Geometry class?

She forgot her Algae-bra.

The only time it’s okay to kick a pregnant woman...

...is when it’s from the inside.

I’ll never forget what my father said before he kicked the bucket

“Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket”.

And with that that the doctor pulled the plug.

why did the bread kick the tomato over?

because he loafed him

(From my 7-year old) What do you call a student who gets kicked out of Hogwarts?

Ex-spelled

What's it called when a man gets his crotch kicked.

Testicular Manslaughter.

What do you call it when a bunch of anti-maskers are kicked out of a store?

A coronal mass ejection.

Once, my mate Dave got kicked out of a hospital. When I asked why, he said

Apparently "Stroke Patients Here" meant something else.

My wife just kicked me out of the house because of my poor Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

But don’t worry ‘I will return’

I got kicked out of school for playing an instrument

I got band

I’ll always remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket

“Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

OC: Why did I get kicked off the Hogwarts track team?

The hurry and run hurt my knee.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

I saw a man kicking a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself

How dairy.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

I accidentally kicked my dog earlier and it bit me. My friend said "it's karma"

I said "if anything, it's more annoyed"

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today

It made me really

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman packed her husband bags and kicked him out of the house...

As he walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," her husband replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I used to worry about the ice cubes I’d kick into the abyss under the refrigerator.

But I figure, what the hell.

It’s old water under the fridge.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Why did the clock get kicked out of the library?

It tocked too much.

Why did the snowman get kick out the produce Department

Because he was picking his nose

Why was the ghost kicked out of the bar?

Because he had one too many boos!

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

i used to go to hogwarts but they kicked me out because of my dyslexia

apparently spelling matters

When I told my parents that I'd lost all of my senses except hearing and taste, they kicked me out

They won't support me now that they know I'm bisensual

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toy pen?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that they would grant them one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN reporter said "well I'm an American, so I'd like one last hamburger with fries."

The leader nodded to an underling, who then returned with a burger and fries. The repo...

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...

It was a cross pollination.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

A snail walks into a bar

The snail sits down on a bar stool and orders a double Jack & Coke. The bartender says, “sorry, we have a strict policy on no snails in this bar”.... so then the bartender kicks the snail out.

5 days later, the snail comes back in, sits on a bar stool and says to the bartender “what the f...

Remember back when we all used to kick pregnant women in the stomach?

You know.... back Before we were born?

A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fucking Chuck Norris joke I made when I was 7

What happens when Chuck Norris kicks the bucket?

He breaks a couple floors

I farted in an Apple store and it smelled so bad they kicked me out.

It’s not my fault, they didn’t have Windows

Why was the old lady kicked off the baseball team?

She swallowed a fly.

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting people on their knees to test their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little alien sits on the bus behind a couple

The alien leans forwards slightly and taps the woman on the shoulder. The guy stands up and turns around. "If you don't stop, I'll kick you in the balls!"

The alien laughs "We don't have that", and taps the woman's shoulders again.

"Stop that or I rip off your dick!"

Again the a...

I was bullying and kicking this pregnant lady for quite some time

It was soooo awkward when she birthed me lol

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and
the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything
you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."
Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want,<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently got my ass kicked at a Mexican restaurant.

I don’t recommend ordering the machos.

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

Danny kicked his way to the karate tournament title without throwing a single punch

Turns out he's a master of partial arts

How do you catch a Polar Bear?

You bore a hole in the ice and sprinkle peas around it. When the bear takes a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit needed a ladder to get on the roof of its house. He knew the bear had a ladder, so

he decided to go borrow a ladder. The trouble was, the bear wasn't always the nicest animal in the forest. *"Doesn't matter,"* the rabbit said to himself, *"I'll head on over and if it doesn't work out, at least I tried!"* With that, he started walking to the bear's house, which was quite a bit away...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

A drunk man is shouting "twenty five" while

Looking at the open manhole infront of him....
Another man comes seeing the drunk man shouting
"Twenty five" again and again while looking inside the open manhole.he asks why he is doing that...
Drunk man doesn't replies....
He keeps shouting "twenty five" while ignoring what other man ...

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked 'What are you doing ?'

He said, "Working from home"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of hobby lobby for dipping my balls in glitter

Pretty nuts huh!!

Everybody got SO mad when I kicked the pregnant woman

Apparently it's only cool when the baby does it.

I'm a girl training in MMA. My instructor just taught me how to do the donkey kick!

He says we're going to work on the donkey punch tomorrow!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend kicked me out a few weeks ago and I had to move back in with my parents....

It's not all that bad. I get to see them more often which is nice, and moms cooking is always good. The only thing is sex is awkward, because it's just the 3 of us.

What did the man say when he was getting kicked out of the sperm bank

That’s the last time I’m coming in here

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

How do you give a person from Alabama a circumcision?

You kick his sister in the jaw

They broke into the policeman's house

Three guys broke into the policeman's house, but the policeman arrived home. The burglars got scared and they hid in three huge bags they had found. The policeman got suspicious. He kicked the first bag. Meow - replied the bag. Ok, that's just the cat. Then the policeman kicked the second bag. Woof...

Saw an Eskimo practicing MMA kicks.

He did a really good roundhouse.

Grandpa

My grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket-

Hey, I’m going to kick this bucket!

Then the bucket hit two guys and they took him out

They had a wonderful time at the movies

I got kicked out of a furniture store today

I asked one of the cute staff for one night stand.

Why do some engineers never get kicked out of anything?

They're civil engineers.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

The Canadian police kicked down my door to my meth lab

Thankfully i was able to escape while they were trying to fix my door.

What’s the difference between Christ and an oil painting?

It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

This joke nearly got me kicked out of the choir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a beautiful woman on each arm.

A man walks into a bar with a beautiful woman on each arm. He reaches into the front pocket of his jacket and pulls out a hundred dollar bill and asks for three drinks.

The bartender puts the drinks on the bar and immediately, a tiny man runs out over, climbs up the bar and kicks over his dri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the prostitute get kicked off the hockey team?

She kept getting penalized for hooking.

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

Why did the vulture get kicked off the plane?

They didn’t allow carrion.

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in?

Right off the bat

I got kicked out of the park today for arranging the squirrels by height

They didn’t like my critter sizing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW There once lived a man from Nantucket

Who decided one day to say "Fuck it."

He climbed up to the top,

Fell down with a hop,

And that's how he kicked the bucket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandparents kicked me out of their house because I watch too much porn

"**It's your loss, step-grandma and step-grandpa!!**"

I got kicked out of a graveyard the last time I went to Scotland.

They didn't appreciate me writing "Graveheart" on William Wallace's tombstone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The president of the USA is meeting with the president of Russia at Moscow

The USA president sees a red button next to his chair, hr presses it once and a ice water bucket falls on his face, he press it second time and the chair gives him a punch, he presses third time and the chair kicks him out.
Few months later the Russian President comes to Washington, he sees a red...

A Rabbi gets a message from God to travel and ...

Spread his message. So the Rabbi sets out on his donkey and after many day and nights he sees a signpost that says

"TRIDIA 100 miles"

The Rabbi had never heard of this place before so he decided to go there. As he got closer to the town he heard loud thumps in the distance. As he got ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Blond Biking sees another Blond Paddling her canoe

They stop abruptly in confusion, watching this Blond paddling a canoe in the middle of a field of grass.

Quickly the confusion turns to anger as they continue to watch this Blond getting nowhere but continuing to paddle

They shout out loud to the other Blond "Hey! You know it's blonds...

My boyfriend is kicking me out of his house for constantly singing lyrics from "Take on me"

He said he's giving me the weekend to move all my stuff out, and he asked me when I would be able to finally leave, so I replied with "I'll be gone in a day or two."

A very drunk guy starts beating up a nun on the street

He throws kicks, uppercuts, regular punches, even some drunk karate moves.



Once he is exhausted he steps back and says "You disappoint me, Batman"

Kicked a mime in the nuts today.

Very effective unmute option.

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

Breaking news: Amidst all the chaos, Eminem just got kicked out of a very high end bar.

Apparantly he asked the bartender for 4 shots but the bartender refused service and said you only get one shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got kicked outta church because I yelled "fuck the devil!"

I thought we hated this guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was challenged to my first fight the other day. I picked out an outfit, showed up and got my ass kicked.

It turned out not to be my strong suit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s it called when a donkey kicks you?

Ass-ault

Two guys wanna go bar hopping, but they are broke.

So they try to think of a plan.

One guy thought of something: "Hey I got an idea. I have a pack of hot dogs here. Why don't I bring them to every bar we go to. We run up our tab, and when we're ready to leave, I'll put a hot dog in my pants and you pretend you're blowing me. People freak out ...

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Why were the elephants kicked from the pool?

Because they tried to drop their trunks

A bunch of animals went to school. Who got kicked out?

The cheetah

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

Three thieves are in a house...

Three thieves are in a house when suddenly they hear someone come through the door. In a hurry to hide as soon as possible, each finds a gunny sack to hide inside. When the owner comes in and finds three unfamiliar sacks, he kicks the first one, the thief inside thinks quick and makes a sound simila...

Did you hear about the nun who was an alcoholic?

Last I heard, she was trying to kick the habit.

Have you heard of the often repeated story of the monkey whose tail got kicked twice?

It is a twice toed tail

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got kicked out of Comic-Con for assaulting a guy who didnt know who Keanu Reeves played in The Matrix

That was the second time I've been called a neo-nazi.

I was trying to milk a goat once...

One evening, I was going to milk a goat in the barn. As I started, the goat tried to kick me by her back leg. So I took a rope and tied her leg to one of the wooden poles in the barn.

I tried to continue, but she tried to kick me by the other back leg, so I took another rope and tied it to t...

I dont get the jokes about pumped up kicks

They must be aimed at younger audiences

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row.

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.