UPJOKE
bitternessvendettagrievancerivalrystewscoreresentresentmentrancourrancorhatredenvyenmityjealousypity

Grudge Jokes

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

Why are steakhouse chefs so good at holding grudges?

Because they really know how to season a beef.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grudge Pregnancy

A man went to the doctor and said, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."



The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."



The man asked, "What’s a grudge pregnancy?"



The doc...

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you...

Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...

they've been found to copulate with corpses.

NeCROWphilia.

Divorce Judgement

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation o...

Do you know why Worf holds so many grudges?

He klingson to every little thing you say.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Next time your homie is holding a grudge tell him:

You need to take a chillaxative & let that shit go

Why don’t vegetarians hold grudges?

Because they never have beef with anyone!

My father held grudges

I'll always hate him for that

My friend is holding a grudge after a food fight

He has a chip on his shoulder

Good reason for a divorce?

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have a couple of acres outside the town, but it does have a big lawn and some fruit trees so it's not like empty ground."

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Some people ask me why I never hold a grudge.

I've always hated those people.

Last year I wrote a joke about how I hold grudges, the audience didn't laugh.

I still hate them.

Sourdough

Sourdough is like regular dough except it holds grudges and hates seeing other doughs become successful.

A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."

"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.

"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.

The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"

"Yeah she owns half ...

Dear Charlie, We’ve been neighbors for 6 tumultuous years.

When you borrowed my snowblower, you returned it in pieces.

When I was sick, you blasted Metallica.

And when your dog decorated my lawn, you laughed.

I could go on, but I’m not one to hold grudges. So I am writing this letter to tell you that your house is on fire.

Co...

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

"My wife can't be pregnant!"

A man shouted over the phone to the family doctor. "I've been traveling overseas for the past 10 months!"

"We call that a grudge pregnancy," the doctor said. "Someone had it in for you."

I don't understand why women love singing "Let it go"...

...Since most of them keep grudges for life.

I have proof that God is a woman

God's held a grudge for 6000 years.

Against me. For something a naked woman did.

That I've never even met.

A Farmer goes to town

and enters a lawyer's office. "Mr. Lawyer," he says, "I'd like to get one of them die-vorces."

"Well," replies the lawyer, "do you have any grounds?"

"Yessir, 'bout 180 acres out near the county line."

"No, what I meant was, do you have a case?"

"Naw, but I do have a John...

I got my dog from an orphanage like, two years ago.

Those orphans STILL hold a grudge.

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Armenian survived a plane crash in Africa

But it seemed that fate held a grudge against him: he was captured by cannibals and was taken to be served as dinner that same night. When fire got ready, the cannibals brought the poor Armenian to the public eating place, feet and hands tied to the big single barbeque rod, ready to be roasted for g...

So a woman consults a lawyer saying that she wanted a divorce...

Lawyer: Do you have grounds?

Woman: Yeah, we have an acre and a half

L: No, that's not what I meant. Look, do you have a grudge?

W: Yeah, we have one for 2 cars behind the house

L: No. Look lady, does your husband beat you up?

W: No, I get up about a half hour befo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen

"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pancho Villa

So a man walks into a bar in Mexico and sees a picture of Pancho Villa hanging on the wall. He starts talking to a local bar fly and it turns out this man’s uncle had once met Pancho Villa!

“Once, when my uncle was a young boy, Pancho Villa came riding through his town. My uncle, who was yo...

A king had ten loyal, trusted knights...

... each named for a number from one, of course, to ten. These knights were the strongest, bravest, and smartest warriors in the kingdom.

One day, the princess's favourite necklace went missing. The king was outraged, as he himself had given the necklace to his daughter for her birthday. He c...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.