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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

I have the best debts in the world!

Every single one of them is Outstanding!

Bernie Sanders: "If you are a student in debt...

...You are not a loan!"

Today the student debt crisis reached $1,696,047,300,123

Honored to be a part of something so huge!

I need everyone to wish me luck. I've got a meeting at the bank in a few minutes, and if all goes well, I will finally become debt free.

I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on.

Germany owed a massive debt to France after the treaty of Versailles

One day, Germany couldn't afford to pay the weekly payment to France. So France gathered a band of soldiers and rode into a small town in Rhineland on trucks, hoping to find anything valuable as reparation. After inspecting the town for a brief moment, they took its tram tracks and street lamps back...

An octopus politician offered to pay my debts if I voted for him.

I guess it's squid pro quo

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The Amazing non-Antisemitic Joke About the Rich Jew

This is a long joke.

There were two Jew friends: one of them was rich, and he lived in the city; the other one was poor, and he lived in a village. At one point, the poor Jew happened to visit the rich Jew in the city.

The rich Jew invited the poor Jew to the opera, to theaters, and to...

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

How's life Johnny? (translated from Spanish)

George: So, how's life Johnny?

Johnny: Terrible.

G: Aw, well what about that Ferrari you got?

J: It got wrecked in a car crash.

G: Ooh, but what about that genius son of yours?

J: He was in the car.

*G, hoping to get away from this horrible conversation:*...

[OC] You millennials are always complaining that we ran up trillions of dollars of debt for you. Why can't you just pull yourselves up by your bootstraps?

After all, we pulled ourselves up by your bootstraps.

What do you call a man in a lot of debt

Bill

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John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money....

I would make a joke about greece's debt but...

I dont think it'll pay off.

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

Cows & politics

***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

...

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A man and his new hunting dog

A man is sitting at the bar of his local gun club with a few of his buddies after finishing their trap shoot. As they enjoy a cold beer, a man and his dog enter the bar. After a few minutes of pleasantries, the man with the dog says "Yea, this dog is incredible. I don't have to sit around and wait f...

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I just got my ass kicked by a British debt collector

Pound for pound, not very pleasant.

I was just looking out my window at my neighbor's back yard where their son is celebrating his college graduation with a few friends.

So sad those kids have so much student loan debt that they all have to share one ratty-looking cigarette.

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

Why can't proctologists get out of debt?

They're always in arrears.

I once dated someone who was $500,000 in debt.

It was outstanding to say the least.

I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...

These are the darkest days of my life...

What's the opposite of debt?

Bachelorhood.

I’m broke, sad and a disappointment to my parents. But at least I’m not in debt

That’s the one thing I’m given credit for

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

A middle aged man was walking home one friday .

Instead of taking his company bus he decided to walk up the mountain road ,see the beautiful sunset and take a train on the other side. His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d...

I read the news and it says that the student debt of the US has surpassed $1.8 trillion

I said "Damn only 3 students owe money"

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]

A man wins the lottery after year...

I finally paid off my student debt.

To celebrate, I decided to go to a concert. It was Post Malone.

I got an email. It said, "We think there's been a mysterious transaction on your account."

Because I'm no longer in debt.

In a medieval town ...

... a beggar comes up to a tavern where the owner is cooking a roast of beef on a spit. The beggar has a piece of bread and holds it out over the roast so that is catches the grease that is rising off the roast into the air. The tavern owner says nothing until the beggar has captured enough grease a...

One my Russian wife told me

Doesn't translate perfectly but still pretty funny.

Kid: Dad what would you do if you won a million dollars in the lottery?

Dad: Pay off debts.

Kid: What about the rest?

Dad: They can wait.

How do you pay off a ton of debt in London?

£2,000

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show o...

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Johnny [NSFW]

A guy was watching the game. His wife storms the room and starts yelling at him how he had to go to the butcher’s to get some meat cuts.
Swearing through his teeth, the guy goes to the butcher. On the way there he hears a couple older ladies talking with a lot of grief in their voice how “Johnny...

Girl, are you a Collateralized Debt Obligation?

Because a lot of rich people are trading you around and a few insiders have told me you're completely toxic.

Having Children is like having debt

It's best to avoid both in your twenties

Three married businessmen meet for their annual camping trip.

As they see each other only this time of the year, they have a lot to talk about. On their last day in the woods, the men decide to go for a little walk. Suddenly, they hear someone whimper. They follow the noise to a well and with combined efforts, they rescue a little fairy from its ground.
...

I got a letter from the bank saying I was still in debt.

I don't know why, I sent them a cheque.

There are three dimensions to credit cards

... length, width, and debt.

What do you call a spy in debt?

Bond. James' Bond.

What do you call a guy who's always in debt?

Owen.

I almost took out a loan last night.

It was a near debt experience.

President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt...

President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter...

One day an old man wrote a letter to God... [long]

...and he tied the letter to a tree outside a church.

The priest came and took down the letter.

It read "Please God, I'm a poor man, please send me $100,000 so I can pay my debts and live peacefully".

Being a kind priest, he took donations around town for the old man and raised ...

A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

The man says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The loans officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys and documents of a new Bentley Continental, parked on the street in front of the bank. Every...

The U.S. just passed the student loan forgiveness act!

We're now required to forgive the government for our student loan debt.

What do you call hiking US college students?

The walking debt.

Why did the producers of 007 films use government debt to fund their newest film?

Because interest in the Bond is so low.

Why are the Greeks so in debt?

They demand credit for everything

Last week, Puerto Rico's Governor said that they couldn't pay their debt.

From now on, the Island will be known as Puerto Pobre.

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

I was feeling a little down, so I told my dad, “Dad, I feel worthless.”

Dad: Don’t forget that you have thousands of dollars of student debt. So technically you’re less than worthless.

i had it all

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. 


He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed.


I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym an...

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An old man goes to the IRS.

An old man goes to the IRS building to settle his debts, on entering an agent mocked the old man for his age. Out of spite, the old man bet the agent $2000 that he could bite his eye.

The agent took him up, and to his surprise the old man laughs and takes out his glass eye, then bites it.
...

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Let me tell you a story of a guy named Juan.

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"...

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

Cow for sale

An old farmer in serious financial trouble put an ad selling a cow for $500.

Another farmer went to see it and they agreed to deliver the cow the next day, paying in advance.

However, the next day the buyer came and old farmer said:

I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The cow d...

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

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How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?

Who gives a fuck about millenials anymore, they now suffer like the rest of us in their 30's with crushing debt, child rearing problems, weigh gain, and a terrible government. Welcome to the club ladies and gentlemen, don't forget to turn the light off when you go to bed, that shit is tough to chan...

The drinking age being at 21 seems appropriate

Graduating with $120,000 in debt should be the first reason you need a drink

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I am forever in your debt.

John has always wanted his own submarine.

Ever since he was a little kid, the only thing he had ever asked for was a submarine. Obviously, no one could afford to buy him a real submarine. But he grew up always planning in the back of his mind of how to one day own one.

One day, he decides to make his dream a reality. He finds a broke...

Happy to announce that I’m no longer broke!

I’m beyond that point and am now drowning in debt.

A moral businessman always pays his tithe

A young man becomes a successful businessman very early on in life. Being a faithful member of the church he always pays his tithe for years and years.

He later falls upon hard times and so he talks to his banker. His banker lets him know that things are worse than the man had realized, he co...

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A man got divorced and goes to a swamp to drown himself.

When he’s about to jump, a frog appears and says “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Man tells the frog that his wife left him and took the kids and he wants to kill himself. “Don’t worry, go home and everything will be fine” frog answers. Man comes home to see that his wife and family is back and everything i...

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The targeted junk email I get seems to be aimed at the wrong guy..

They really need to update their database, they seem to all think I want to own a rolex, am desperately single enough to want a Russian Bride, have a really small penis, mounting debt, and should refinance my home.

Crazy right?

I don't own a home!

A man and a genie

A man is walking on a sandy beach in Southern California, and what appears to be a very old bottle washes up on the shores.

The genie expressed gratitude for the man freeing him from the bottle.

The genie says "I am in your debt, but I can only grant you one wish."

The man says ...

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