I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

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Kids of all ages enjoy a good scotch

It's just for a majority of them, the word butter has to be prefixed

A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You're too drunk, Joe, go home.

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."

The bartender says, "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home."

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A f...

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

I take my women like I take my scotch

18 years old and mixed up with coke.

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

My Father's Favorite Joke

An old man and a bartender are having an argument. The old man keeps asking for aged scotch. The bartender gives him a drink and the old man spits it out and says its only 10 year scotch and he wanted older. The bartender gets another bottle and gives another drink. The old man spit that drink o...

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

Why are so many people interested in scotch tape?

Its fasten-aiding.

Never try and make a living selling Scotch

It's a Whisky business

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a Bar.

Each orders a double scotch.

Through a stroke of misfortune, a fly lands in each of their drinks.

The Englishman calls the waiter, points out the fly, and gets his drink returned.

The American looks around a while, ensures no one is looking, takes the fly out with a pair of twee...

A man hurriedly walks into a bar

Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight

BT: here you go

Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight

BT: here

Man: again, before I get into a fight

BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you ...

I asked a cop, "You know what my toddler's favourite type of scotch is?"

He frowned. "What is it?"

"Hopscotch," I replied.

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The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

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My buddy and I own a bar.

My buddy and I own a bar. Last week, we were leaning against the counter, when this gorgeous woman came up to us and said, "Hey handsome boys, can I buy you a beer?"

"No, I don't think so," I replied.

"No? How about something harder. Scotch?"

"Absolutely not," my friend said....

What does Batman put in his scotch?

Justice.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.

"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with ...

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?

No? Then you're sure as hell not babysitting for my kids!

I have to have glasses just to see my family.

Specifically 2 glasses… of Scotch.

12 year old scotch whisky is the only 12 year old you can put in your mouth

and get away with it scot free.

I bought a new book yesterday. It's the Biography of Jimmy Scotch, the inventor of "Scotch Tape"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the beginning.

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy, "O...

I bought a really nice 12 year old scotch

obviously his parents weren't very pleased

I rode my bike to the liquor store to get a bottle of scotch.

I bought the scotch, and put the bottle in the little basket on the front of my bike. But then I realized that if I fell over, the bottle was going to break and the scotch would be gone! So I decided not to risk it and I drank the whole bottle right then.

Thank God I did, because I fell over ...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch...

The bartender pours the drink and the man downs it in one gulp. He slams the glass on the bar and says "Pour me another!"

The bartender says, "Woah, man. That's a pretty stiff drink I just gave you. Why don't you tell me what's going on?"

The man says, "Well, I came home from work toda...

A boy, a girl and Scotch Bottle

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not t...

A man with a harelip sits down at the bar

“Bartender, one thcoth and thoda, please”, he says. “One thcoth and thoda, comin’ up”, says the barkeep. “Hey!” says the guy with the harelip, “are you teathin’ me?” “No way!” says the bartender, “thath juth the way I talk!”. Another guy comes in and sits down. “I’d like a scotch and soda, please”. ...

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapes...

Last Christmas i got a bottle of scotch for my wife.

That was a fair trade.

My grandfather said "if you drink Scotch every day for 100 years"

You'll live a long time.

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The man knows his scotch!

A man walks into a bar and asks for 40 year old scotch whisky.

The bartender says "I'll see what I can find in the back"
He emerges from the back only a few minutes later with a glass and gives it to the man. He takes a sip and, "I asked for 40 year old whisky. This is only 12 year old."...

My Greek friend translated this joke

A guy walks in a bar and goes and sits at the bar, he nods to the barman who goes to him to serve him.

The guy seems edgy and says to the barman “get me a double scotch before it begins”. The barman doesn’t really make a deal out of his attitude and just gets him the drink. 3-4 minutes later ...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me..'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I w...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar with an iguana under his arm. The bartender says what can I get you. The man orders scotch and a beer. Upon noticing the man's drinks getting low the bartender approaches him and just gad to ask what's with the Iguana. The nan says this thing gives the best b.j's.
The bart...

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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender

I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference." 

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch...

A guy walks into a bar.

"I'd like a Scotch on the rocks ... hold the ice. I have very sensitive teeth," the guy tells the bartender. "In fact, they're probably upset right now that I told you that."

SCOTCH ??

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty b...

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Scotch expert

A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked
for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one." When the bar...

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A guy demands from the bartender a 40-year old scotch...

The bartender pours him a glass.

After a drink, the man replies, “That was terrible Scotch and you know it. I want *40-year old* Scotch.”

The bartender pours him another glass.

After another drink, the man replies, “That was only 10-year old Scotch. I want *40-year old* Scotch...

"Your finest Scotch, please."

"Yes, sir," the guy at Staples says as he hands me a 12 year old roll of tape.

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A banker a biker and a lawyer walk into a bar....

They're all buddies who coincidentally have the same wedding anniversary. So they all grab a drink and discuss what they got their wives as wedding anniversary gifts. Banker takes a sip of his scotch and says for our anniversary I got her a string of the finest pearls and a brand new Mercedes so if ...

If you drink the perfect amount of scotch every day, you'll live forever...

Every scotch drinker just dies trying to figure out how much that is.

A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender for his best scotch.

The bartender reaches up to the top shelf and gingerly picks up a bottle of single malt. He carefully pours a shot into a clean glass and put in on the bar. The guy grabs the drink and throws it down his throat in one gulp. The bartender is aghast and says " Whoa, whoa that is 17 year old nectar fro...

Why do catholic priests have no interest in expensive scotches?

They’re all at least 18 years old.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of 15 year old scotch...

The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know 15 year old scotch from water". So he pours some cheap whiskey for the guy, who throws back the shot and spits it out all over the bar. "No, Damn it!", yells the man, "I want 15 year old scotch, not this house crap." The bartender wants to test him now an...

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2 Nuns and a Bottle of Whiskey

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It's a slow night and he has no customers.

He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, "Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?"

"Certainly,...

I always wondered why there were two different ways to spell Whiskey / Whisky.

Having been to Dublin, I now realise it's because the Irish like to drop an E in their drinks.

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A man walks into a bar looking to buy a glass of 50 year old scotch

He says to the bartender, "My good man, I have a thirst that can only be quenched by glass of 50 year old scotch. I'm a connoisseur of sorts, so don't try and trick me. I'll be able to tell the difference!"

The bartender, a little annoyed, goes to the top shelf, grabs a bottle of scotch, and ...

"Oh, just a scotch."

The bartender says, "what can I get for you?"

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Hey, Rene, you want a scotch?" Descartes replies, "No, I think not." And then he vanishes.

No dice.

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "that'll be a dollar"

The guy thinks, "man, that's cheap," but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. "Bartender, I'll have your finest wine" bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. "That...

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A tourist in Australia

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the Outback. On his way he saw a guy having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest bar and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a guy with one leg masturbating furiously at the ba...

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."

The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.

"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.

"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"

The man replies...

A man walks into a bar and orders a double scotch.

After he finishes his drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket and then asks the bartender for another double scotch. When he finishes that, he again peaks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring yet another double scotch. The bartender says “ look buddy, I’ll pour your drinks all nig...

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a jew, a muslim, and a christian walk into a bar.

the bartender asks the christian what he'll have. and the christian says he'll have a bible. and the bartender asks what it is. and the christian says "oh it's a scotch with cinnamon"

and then the bartender asks what the muslim will have. and the muslim says he'll have a quran. and the barten...

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There was this famous cheese maker

He made this cheese that would expanded grow when melted.
He was driving while drinking scotch and got into a accident with a school bus. The court case going as expected he was sentenced to death by electrocution. As a last meal request he asked for a quarter of a wheel of his world famous chee...

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

10$ glass, $30 worth nuts, $200 for a scotch, coming home to find power went out

Iceless

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Home COVID Test

1. Pour a shot of Scotch and sniff it.
2. If you can smell the Scotch, drink it to test that you can taste it.
3. If you can smell and taste the Scotch, congratulations, your test is negative.

I took this test ten times in a row last night, all negative. But, this morning, I woke up wi...

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The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

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The Invitation

A writer decides to get away from it all so he can finish his novel undisturbed, so he rents an isolated cabin way up in the mountains and takes up residence in it. His closest neighbor is several miles away, but he does catch a glimpse of him from afar once in a while, when the neighbor is out hunt...

A man falls into a vat at a scotch distillery...

he drowns in the vat and the workers decide that despite this they'll still bottle this batch.

While tasting they agreed that despite the odd taste it was full bodied.

A well-dressed man walks into a bar.

He takes a seat at the bar, and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

"I'd like a shot of 25-year-old scotch, neat."

The bartender was too lazy to go into the stockroom for 25-year-old scotch, and he figured the man wouldn't know the difference, so he poured a shot of 8-year-old scot...

A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole.

“Ok boomer”

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In a crowded bar, a drunk man enters and calls out one of the customers:

\- Hey you! I've been at your mother's place before, and I fucked her good! everyone looks shocked at the guy but he was just sipping his Scotch in peace. The man leaves and arrives after 30 minutes, saying to the same guy:

\- Hey you! I fucked your mom so good that she still hasn't recovered...

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Adam goes to a bar

Adam goes into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll ya have, fella?"

Adam says, "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

Barkeep fills the order, hands it to Adam, who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

Barkeep leans over the counter, motions to Adam, looks left & righ...

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I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she did...

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Can we take the "er" out of "Butterscotch"

No we can't, because "Buttscotch" irritates the assholes

It's Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson...

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5...

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A priest walks into a pub

A priest walks into a pub and orders a pint of Guinness. "There you go," says the barman." but I warn you we don't tolerate any religious conversation in this pub." "Far be it from me," replies the priest. "In fact, I bet you a drink that you mention religion before I do." "You're on," says the barm...

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman...

An English, Scottish & Irish soldier are caught fighting as mercenaries in a foreign land.


As prisoners of war, the General sentences each to 12 months of solitary confinement, but to show he is fair, he will give them each a years supply of a luxury item of their choosing.

...

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An old man grabs a seat at the bar...

An old man grabs a seat at the bar and order a double scotch, which the barman promptly serves him. After drinking all his glass in one shot, he asks for another one, which the barman serves him.

The old man then say "How about a little friendly bet my friend?". The barman repond "why not" a...

An English Man, An Irish Man and a Scotchman are caught by cannibals.

The cannibals tell them they will all be skinned alive and turned into canoes and all. Of their insides eaten however, they have one last request before this happens.

The English man says "For my last request I want to have a cigar" the cannibals provide him with this and as soon as its fini...

A man starts a new job as a bartender.

The manager of the bar was showing him around and said, "You need to know that the customers here order drinks in a peculiar way."

"How so?" asked the new bartender.

"Well, they use a lot of abbreviations instead of the names of the drinks."

"Doesn't sound so bad, I think I can ...

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

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The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island

He’s stranded alone on the island for over ten years surviving on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks h...

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

We went for a hike at the weekend , despite the blustery conditions , and despite taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back we battled against the weather quite well.

Then it happened, from nowhere came down the sandwiches, sausage rolls, scotch eggs quiche and Vol-au-vent and then I realised we was being buffetted by the wind.

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One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell......

.....As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil

Satan: Why so glum?

Biker : Why do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Biker : Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well,...

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A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and orders a scotch, he takes a few sips and notices a jar filled with 20 dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, " what's with the jar?" The bartender replies, "you put in a 20 to enter, if you complete the 3 challenges I give you, you get all the money in the jar." The guy...

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A man walks into a bar

The man sits at the bar and orders 9 glasses of scotch
-That's a lot of scotch,are you celebrating something,sir?" asks the bartender

-It was my first blowjob. anwsers the man

-Oh,congratulations! So 9 glasses of scotch?"

-Yeah,this should help me get rid of the taste...

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Inner peace during these uncertain times

I heard a doctor on TV say to have inner peace during these uncertain times that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house for things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of Tequila, a...

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to ...

A man was marooned on a desert island.

One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch a...

My psychiatrist said I should focus on inner peace while quarantined by finishing everything left undone...

I looked around the house and found half a bottle of merlot, some gin, a litl scotch, som old scriptun of valum adn oxtdkl.

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Three Hard Mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie o...

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

A man walks into a bar on the 50th floor

As he goes through the door, a slight chime sounds. He heads for the bar and orders a beer. As time goes by, he hears the chime again, and turns to see another man arriving. The other man immediately heads for the bar, and orders a double scotch on the rocks.

The other man empties the glass i...

So Pete, Joe, and Dave are planning their desert hiking/camping trip.

Dave ask Pete what he was bringing.

"Well, my tent, lil cooker, some water and a bottle of Irish whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

Dave ask Joe what he was bringing. "Water, sunscreen, my pack, extra socks and a bottle of Scotch whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

The two ot...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

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Little Johnny

A door to door sales woman knocks on a door. Little Johnny opens the door holding a tumbler of scotch and a lit cigar. The woman, visibly shaken, asks "Little boy is your mother home?". Little Johnny takes a sip of his scotch and a draw from his cigar before he looks her dead in her eyes and says "W...

An Englishman, a Scottish man and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

Drunk On A Bus

A very drunk man gets on a bus and stumbles into the seat next to a priest. His tie is stained, his face is covered in lipstick smears and a half full bottle of scotch is sticking out his coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and starts to read, but after a few minutes turns to the priest and a...

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An Englishman, an Scotchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

They each order a beer. The barkeep brings them each a beer, and there happens to be a fly in each one. The Englishmen, a bit put off, says "Sir there's a fly in my beer, I'll need a fresh one please." The Scotchman, undeterred shrugs and says "I won't be letting a fly ruin me enjoying my beer!" ...

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A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

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