Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

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Willie's Buds

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join...

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Another Dad joke

Four old guys are playing their almost daily round of golf one day. They get to the teebox on a par 3 which is within sight of a nearby road. The first three guys hit their shots and miss the green. The last old guy tees up his ball. Just then, a funeral procession drives by in the distance. The old...

Pastor wakes up one beautiful Sunday morning

It's such a nice day that he decides to play golf, and so he calls in sick to the church. On his way to the course, St Peter and God are watching from above. St Peter asks God, "Are you going to let him get away with this?" God shakes his head On the first tee, a par 5, the Pastor gets gets off a tr...

A group of Irish friends arrive on vacation in the Caribbean.

Being typical Irish, the first thing they do after checking in and dropping off their luggage is to find a nice-looking bar and get a drink. In the bar, they meet a group of attractive Nordic ladies, proceed to join tables and get to doing some serious drinking together.

A few rounds in, thin...

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English man, Scottish man, Irish man, chatting about what par of their body would they change if they could.

English man: Simple I would change my dick, it's quite small.

Scottish man: Simple I would change my belly, it's quite fat.

Irish man: Simple I would change my bum, it's got a crack in it.

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Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.

Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the b...

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

A golfer is playing golf by himself one Sunday morning. He comes to a par 3 that goes over a lake.

Dejectedly he takes an old scruffed up ball out of his bag and tees it up.

Suddenly he hears a loud , commanding voice from above say: “TEE UP A NEW BALL.”

He looks around surprised, then opens a brand new sleeve of Titleist and tees one up.

He hears the voice again: “ TAKE A ...

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Best Golfer in the World

After a long week of work, Frank grabs his clubs and heads to the golf course for some needed R&R. After a few holes Frank catches up to a man and a gorilla standing on the par 5. Frank finds this odd, but strolls up and sets his ball up to tee off. The man with the gorilla looks at Frank and sa...

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." A bit shocked, he asked, "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" She blushed, "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

Have you heard of the golf champion who always got under par?

You should. There are signs everywhere advertising the "no par king".

2 guys are in ready to tee off on a par 5 and a funeral procession drives by.

One of the guys takes off his hat and holds it over his heart.

The other guy asks: Did you know that person?

Know her? I was married to her for 30 years.

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A man goes into the confessional at church one afternoon...

“Father, I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain, today.”

“My son, that’s a very egregious sin. Perhaps you could tell me the circumstances that led up to this.”

“Well, Father, I was golfing this morning- on the 16th green, two under par, when I chipped off into the rough.”
...

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The confession

A man went to his church for confession and he entered the confessional.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What is it my son? Did you commit adultery?”

“No Father I swore.”

“Very well begin your story”

“Well I was out at the Emerald Golf course and I was on h...

How are new pants like a sub-par mansion?

There's no ball room

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A trio of golfers are waiting for their fourth at the course one morning, when he calls and tells them he can't come.

Turns out his pregnant wife has been put on bed rest effective immediately, and he will have to be around her 24/7 until the baby is born in two months. The other three wish him and his wife well, then discuss whether or not to play without him, when an attractive woman in her mid-30s, carrying a b...

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

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God and Jesus go golfing

God and Jesus go out to play a round of golf. Their first hole is a par 3 and Jesus tees off first. He hits a great shot and the ball lands just a few feet shy of the hole. God goes next and hits a shot that goes 15 feet. All of a sudden a squirrel runs out and grabs the ball and starts running away...

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The golfer and the wee little man

A guy stands on the first tee on a beautiful Irish morning. It's a little par three but he still manages to slice it into the bush. Then he hears it hit something followed by a moan. Rushing into the woods he finds a wee little man dressed in green sprawled on the grass. He splashes water on the ...

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Mea...

Once there was a priest who loved golf as much as preaching ...

One fine Sunday morning he woke up to find the most perfect golfing weather. He was really torn between his two true loves. Finally he gave in and asked another priest to do the sermon. He quietly packed up his golf bag and slipped out the back of the church.

At the links he was having the m...

The lucky frog

I was playing golf, and even though I am usually a pretty good player, I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, three wood. I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard ..three wood. I looked down and ...

He walks through the midday heat, an occasional shot clips through the trees overhead.

He and many men like him question their logic to sign up. They could be home, spending time with their families but instead they are outside, dehydrated, fighting a battle they probably won't win. Their frustration mounts as they realize it's nothing at all like all the games they played as kids. ...

Young Jonny us playing golf for the very first time, with his grandfather

After a slow start, they reach a short par 3. Jonny reaches for his driver and hits it all the way to the fringe of the green. He very nonchalantly chips it to 2ft and mops up for par.

The old man is super proud, and after the round he gifts Jonny a magnificent Bronze coloured driver.
...

Jesus is playing golf with Moses as his caddy.

They get to a par 3, but there is a small pond between them and the hole. Jesus asks, “what should I use?” Moses responds, “Arnold Palmer can hit with a 9 iron, but you should use a 7.” Jesus days, “If Arnold can do it, I can do it.” He tees up and hits the ball into the water. He sends Moses t...

A man invites his friend to a game of golf.

His friend declines, but says, 'Take my horse, he's phenomenal.'

The man laughs, but does so anyway, if only to see a horse golf. To his surprise, the horse does amazingly, getting an Eagle or better on every hole.

The man returns to his friend, astonished. 'I can't believe it!', he sa...

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A man is golfing and gets a call from his mother-in-law...

“Steve! Thank God! Sharon’s been in a terrible accident! She’s at the hospital! Drop what you’re doing and get right down there!”

“Oh my God! My poor wife!”

He gets ready to leave and thinks- “I’m on the 17th green and 4 shots under par. She’s really in the best hands. I’ll hurry up ...

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A grandfather, father, and son are paired with a very attractive woman for a round of golf

The three are amazed to find that this woman is an amazing golfer. She outplays them on almost every hold, and come up to the 18th green at 1 over par with a 20ft Birdie putt. She tells the three guys

"Alright, this is the first time I've ever had a chance at shooting par. Whoever correctly h...

What do I love more than part B?

Par-TAY!!

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Guy goes to confession...

says, "forgive me father. I used profanity and said the lord's name in vain."

priest says, "please, tell me exactly what happened, my son."

"well father, i was playing golf and i was on a long par 4 and i sliced my tee shot into the trees."

"is that when you used profanities, my...

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A man and a women in a hotel room have just had amazing sex.

The man is exhausted and he leans over to pick up the phone.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"Calling room service, I need a drink"
"My last lover was Tiger Woods and he would never have done that, he would have made love to me again" she said
So the guy turns over and makes love to her...

The restaurant critic wrote that the appetizer was unexceptional

“It was par for the course”

Another Golfing Woman Joke

A comely young blonde decided that she wanted to learn how to golf. So she goes to the pro shop at a course near her home, and signs up for lessons.

Well, she's a natural at it, so after a couple of weeks of instruction, the pro suggests she go out and play 9 holes.

Early the next morn...

Embarrassing Fart Story

Here’s one that a lot of y’all can probably relate to. I’m probably gonna add more to it at some point.

.......

One day in third grade we were all sitting on the carpet listening to our teacher read something. My stomach hadn’t been too kind to me that day. .......


You know...

Two golfing buddies where out golfing one day

Tim owned a house on a golf course right in on the 7th hole. One day, Bob and Tim where golfing and when they got to the 7th hole, Bob leaned over to Tim and said "You know Tim, if you opened your patio door and your front door, you could get a eagle on this par 5." Tim, thinking it over, decided to...

Super proud of myself. Shot a 72 golfing yesterday.

Granted, it was a 9 hole, par 3 course. But still. Shot a 72.

Your Honor

I once went golfing. I couldn't even get par in a single hole, until I found this magical frog! It was sparkly, and when I picked it up, I felt a warm spike through my spine. All of a sudden, I hole-in-oned the rest of the holes. It was a lucky frog. It spoke to me, and said, "Go gamble!" Luckily, I...

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A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.... [Long]

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees an...

The snowstorm

This couple was watching the news and the weather report said there was going to be a snowstorm so if everyone can park their cars on the left side of road so the snowplow can come through the next morning so the wife did just that.

Then the next week the couple was watching the news during ...

Moses and Jesus decide to play golf.

First hole is a par 4, fairly straight but there's a pond that stretches from the front of the tee to a spot about 200 yards down the fairway. Jesus pulls a 4-iron out of his bag and steps up to the tee.

Moses can't believe it. "A 4-iron? Are you nuts? You can't clear the water with tha...

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer ...

...were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenske...

Why isn't there golf in the Paralympics?

Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.

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Golfing buddies

After a big reception at the Vatican, the Pope invites Dave to a round of golf and Dave agrees. On the first hole, Dave misses a relatively easy putt and exclaims "Fuck! I missed!" The Pope tells him to please watch his language and they continue playing.

A few holes later, Dave misses anothe...

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One fine day in Ireland...

... a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodnes...

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

A minister awakens to a beautiful Sunday morning

He looks outside and sees not a single cloud in the sky. The temperature is a perfect 72 degrees. He says to himself, "THIS is the perfect day". He pauses for a moment and considers calling in sick to his church, skipping his worship services, and driving several towns over to play a round of golf o...

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American business man.

An American businessman goes on a business trip to Japan. His first night there, as is tradition in Japan, the Japanese businessman get him a prostitute. He's fucking the shit out of the prostitute and all the sudden The Prostitute starts yelling, "Kawasaki Kawasaki Kawasaki Kawasaki!"

The ne...

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A nun and a priest go golfing...

The priest is putting for par. "Ah fuck, I missed."

Nun: "God is gonna hear that and God is gonna get you!"

The priest shrugs it off and they walk to the next hole. The priest finds himself in a similar position, and once again misses. "Jesus Christ I can't do anything today!"

N...

What was the tiny golf course measured in?

Par secs

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

Coming up on a par 3, Moses has Honours, but puts his shot in the lake. He raises his club over his head, and the lake splits, revealing his ball on the sandy bottom. Moses walks between the halves of the lake and chips his second shot up onto the green where it rolls into the hole for a Birdie. Je...

Moses, Jesus, and an old old man are playing golf the other dayyyyy.... [longish]

Moses tees off, and the ball heads straight for the water hazard. *plop*
He walks over and uses his club to part the water, and smacks the ball up to the green. One more stroke gets him the par 3.

Jesus is up next and his ball too, goes straight for the water hazard. Luckily it hovers jus...

Jesus, Moses, and a bearded guy are all playing golf together

They get to the first hole and it's a long one with a big deep water hazard in the middle. Par 4

Jesus takes a shot. It lands on this tiny patch of dirt on the right edge of the hazard. Jesus doesn't want to take a penalty for a drop and he stinks at shooting left handed so he decides to just...

Don't spell "part" backward!

It's a trap.

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Golf with the boss

A man and his boss skip work one weekday afternoon for a round of golf. They tee off at 1:00 and after 2 holes they catch up to a twosome of women. The women are playing unbearably slowly.

After waiting nearly an hour to play a hole, the men discuss how to get around these slow-playing wome...

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A man goes to Japan for a business trip and decides to spice things up.

The night before the meeting, he goes out and meets a “friendly” Japanese woman who he takes back to the hotel. They get to action and all night the woman repeatedly yells, “Chigau! Chigau!”

The next day the man goes to the meeting and it follows up with Golf with the Japanese employees. As t...

"Ok children, lets play a guessing game..."

"Ok Jimmy", said Ms. Par, " I have something behind my back that is round, orange and is a piece of fruit, what is it?"
"That's easy" says Jimmy, "Its an orange!"
"Nope, its a tangerine, but it shows you're thinking."
Jimmy holds up his hand and says " Ok Ms. Par, I have one for you." the...

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Golfing Jesus

Jesus and two others are out playing 18 when they come up on a par three with a particularly tricky water hazard. The first gent tees off and not surprisingly he hits into the water, forcing a drop.

Jesus steps up to the tee with his usual swagger and addresses the ball. His robes move as flu...

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An American man travels to Japan on business...

...and on his first night he visits a bar in Tokyo to experience the local nightlife. He meets an enchanting woman, and after several rounds of drinks and flirting, she accompanies him back to his hotel. They commence copulation, and in the throws of passion, the woman screams out "Machigatta ana! M...

What does an unchallenging mini-golf course have in common with a strip club?

During daytime hours they’re both sub-par

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A man out golfing meets a leprechaun [Long]

One Saturday afternoon in Ireland, a man is playing a round of golf on his local public course. As he approaches the eighth hole, he hits the ball and slices it pretty hard to the right. Grumbling, he walks out, deep past the weeds and into the tall grass of the surrounding forest, where he stumbles...

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My dad went to play golf...

On a sunny Saturday afternoon and was randomly paired up with a priest. On the first hole, dad missed a three foot putt for par and said to himself "G*d damn it, I missed!"

The priest said to him "My son, please do not take the lord's name in vain."

On the second hole, my dad missed a...

An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament

was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When ...

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After completing a celebrity pro-am golf tournament, Jackie Chan walks into the clubhouse bar...

As he makes his way through the crowd of professional golfers and lesser celebrities, he mentions to his playing partner, Phil Mickelson, that he makes a point of playing as many pro-ams as he can throughout the year because “it gives him a chance to network with other celebrities.”

At that v...

Oldie but still good...

This seems to fit here:

Some sub-par counterfeiters discovered that their latest run of bills were all $18 denominations. They realized that they couldn’t pass them off in the city so they headed out to the hinterlands to try and pass them off.

They stopped at a backwoods general stor...

Where does the golfer who always gets a score of 0 park his car

In the par-king lot

Tiger woods

I just got married and as I was laying in bed about to make love to my new wife she said to me,”honey I have to tell you I have made love before tonight.”
I said,”who was this with?”
She said,” with Tiger Woods.”
I said, “ohhhhkkkk then.” I can accept that.
Despite this profound news I ...

Bob and Jim in Paris

Two Americans, Bob and Jim, are on vacation in Paris. They're walking down the street, when a car pulls up, slamming on the brakes. The driver leans out.

"Parlez vous Francais?"

Bob looks at Jim and shrugs.

"Habla Español?"

The two men just stare.

"Parli I...

Why don't golf courses ever serve sandwiches?

They always turn out to be sub par.

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

One afternoon a man was out playing golf...

He is about to hit a difficult lie next to a pond. suddenly he hear "ribbit, 4 iron". He is alone, so has no clue who is talking. again "ribbit, 4 iron" He looks around and sees a frog looking at him. "ribbit, 4 iron" He says "well I think you are wrong, but what the hell. and hits the 4 iron...

Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy are all golfing...

It’s a par 5 and Moses hits his tee shot first and it lands in the fairway.

Jesus hits his tee shot also in the fairway but a little further than Moses’s.

The old bearded guy steps up and shanks his tee shot way to the right. The ball bounces off a tree in to a pond where a turtle gr...

A professional golfer was...

angry when a man claimed his gorilla played better golf than the pro did. Betting $10,000 to prove it, the pro teed up on a par five and hit a beautiful shot down the centre of the green.

The man pulled his gorilla out of a cage and handed him a club. Pointing to the where the hole was, he ...

I recently opened a combination sandwich shop/mini golf course

I thought it was a good idea, but the reviews said the experience was sub-par

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American businessman heads to Japan for some business. Knowing he's a good golfer and wanting to beat him, the Japanese business man gets him drunk and hires a woman for the night thinking he will not play a good game the next day.

The American and the Japanese girl go back to his room where they proceed to make passionate love.

As he starts to thrust, the girl starts moaning 'machigao...'

Taking this as a sign she likes it, he starts pumping even harder, the girl continues to push back at his hips saying 'machig...

One Sunday St Peter looks down from Heaven and calls out to Jesus

"Look!" he says. "Father O'Malley is golfing on Sunday!"

Jesus smiles and holds out his hands in blessing. Moments later the Father drives off the first tee and holes in one. When the Father retrieves his ball and goes to the second tee, Jesus again holds out his hands in blessing and the F...

Moses is out playing golf with two of his buddies in heaven.

He takes a few swings and gets par on the current hole. The next guy swings and gets a hole in one. Moses says to the guy "Hey, Jesus you're pretty good!" The third guy takes a swing and misses completely hitting a tree and bouncing into the pond. Then a fish jumps out of the water with the golf bal...

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Confession time...

A man steps into a confessional.

Priest- "What is your sin, my son?"

Man- "Father, I'm afraid I took The Lord's name in vain today."

"I see. This is a grave sin, as you know, but perhaps there were circumstances leading to this I need to better understand."

"Well, Fath...

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A man gets a hole in one...

A man was playing a round of golf when he hits a hole in one on a par 3. A genie appears from the hole and says "I am the hole-in-one genie, you have one wish, what would you like?" The man thinks for a little bit and responds "I would like a big dick." "Granted" responds the genie. The man continue...

Jesus, Moses and an Old Man go golfing

and they come up to the par 3. Moses steps up to take a swing and plop, right in the pond. So he steps up to the water, raises his hands and separates the water. He strolls up and chips it into the hole for a birdie. Jesus' turn and he plunks it in the drink, too. He walks on the water, takes a...

Blind Golfers

One day out on a golf course, a team of policemen, firemen, and engineers were getting ready to tee off, when another team of all blind golfers, who never shot above par, asked if they could go first. The policemen said, "we're impressed that you can golf blind, sure go ahead." The firemen said, "yo...

Two guys are playing golf...

Two elderly gentlemen come to a par 3 hole. One of them tees up, starts to swing, but notices a funeral procession passing by. He stops mid-swing, takes off his hat and bows to the procession. After it passes, he puts on his hat and resumes his swing. The other man says to him, "Wow, that was really...

Jesus and Moses and another guy go for a round of golf

So they all line up and Moses hits the ball first. It flies up and lands straight in the pond. Moses then walks to the pond and splits the water in half, chips his ball onto the green and pots it in for par.
Jesus then steps up, again hits it into the pond. He walks on the pond finds the ball chi...

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The businessman, Japanese prostitute and golf.

An American businessman takes a trip to Japan for a meeting/golf outing. The outing is a couple days away, so he decides to call a prostitute because he's bored. She arrives and they begin to have some great sex. Throughout their experience she's yelling "Hoshimoto! Hoshimoto!" He doesn't speak any ...

A man ends up in prison and makes friends with his cellmate.

After a couple months of being harassed and bothered as it par for the course in a minimal security prison, he's sitting in his cell with his cell mate. From a floor down he hears someone yell, "NUMBER 37." Everyone within earshot is dying of laughter. His cellmate yelled out, "NUMBER 52!!" Everyone...

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A golfer makes a hole in one.

A guy is out golfing by himself one evening. On a short par three, he makes a hole in one. As he takes the ball out of the hole, a fairy appears and says.
" I am the hole in one fairy. I can grant you a boon, you can either shoot par on every round from now on, or you can become the greatest l...

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So, a man goes on a business trip..

To Japan, he gets there during the night and is pretty nervous about the business meeting so he decides to order up a prostitute, a fine lady walks into his room and they make love for hours, the entire time she is going wild, taking it from behind and screaming "Machigatta ana" after he finishes he...

A college student was golfing with an old man...

And they get to the 6th hole, a very long par 5 with a huge oak tree right in the middle of the start of the fairway.

The college kid says to the old man, "Any advice on this hole? I'm not sure I can carry over the tree but this hole is too long to lay up on the first shot."

The old ma...

Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf...

Moses tees up at a par 3 with a large lake in front of the green. He gives it a solid thwack. Plooop, a little short into the water. He walks up to the water's edge and dramatically shoves the end of the club into the water. The waters part, and he walks through the lake and chips his ball in for a ...

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