UPJOKE
golden eaglehawkbald eaglegolfgolf gamebird of preyvultureeagletaccipitridaeraptorbirdiefalconharpy eagleheronhaliaeetus

Eagle Jokes

Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?

It’s Eeleagle

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle

and a lifetime ban from the zoo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eagle who had just been divorced went out looking for new love one day...

He was flying around, and on the ground he spotted a dove. He flew down,
had a bit of ding dong with the dove,
then flew away. The little dove laid there and said...

"I am a little dove, I've had a bit of love, but I liked it."

The eagle was still flying around, and on the ground...

why was the sick eagle arrested and deported??

Cuz he was an ill eagle

The eagle was a bird of many skills.

One could say he was very talon-ted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle...

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking Eagle

On a recent trip Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour on her ideas and policies to help all Americans if she was to become president.

At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presen...

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He mana...

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

what do you call a sick Eagle?

-An illEagle-

The 3 Eagles

There were 3 eagles chilling together, they were bored so they decided to challenge each other which of them can hunt the biggest prey.

So the 1st eagle flys away, half an hour later he is back with his beak stained in blood. The others ask what happened. And he says do you see that farmhous...

Remember: eagles may soar above the rest.

But a weasel hasn’t been sucked into a jet engine yet.

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Why was the sick eagle thrown into prison?

It was ill-eagle.

Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?

It’s eel-eagle.

The Boy Scouts just added a level after Eagle

Plaintiff

What type of eagle do you see at a beach?

A seagull.

Compliments of my 4-year-old

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."



"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.



"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

Healthy eagles come from America.

Ill eagles come from Mexico.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

Golf

Three men are out on the golf course. The first tees off and slices the ball straight into the water hazard. The second man is like, “Oof, tough luck, Moses!”

Moses replies, “No worries.” He walks over, waves his driver at the water, and it parts. He finds his ball and plays on.

The se...

why don't reddit show any photo of eagle which are sick

it is illeagle

The bird of freedom is the eagle

The bird of wisdom is the owl. The bird of love is the dove. What's the bird of true love?

The swallow.

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

What do you call a religious eagle?

_A bird of pray_

The Eagle- an original joke

A man is talking with an eagle.

The man asks, "Eagle, how can you catch your prey so well if you just fly over really fast?"

The eagle responds, "I don't know, I guess I just have a talon for it."

The lead singer of The Eagles has been arrested by Customs.

Apparently he was trying to smuggle exotic animals parts into the country.


It turns out that you can't hide those lion eyes.

Eagles may soar...

But weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

This park ranger is doing his rounds in the woods

When he stumbles upon a guy sitting by a fire, his rifle leaning against a tree, roasting a bald eagle. The ranger immediately arrests the guy and drag him to his cruiser. Eventually the case goes to court, the judge is outraged and asks if he has anything to say for himself before going to jail. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eagle is flying over the Grand Canyon when it spies a frog by a stream.

The eagle swoops down and swallows the frog whole, flying off with a full stomach. Somehow the frog makes it through the eagle's digestive tract and pokes his head out of the eagle's asshole.

The frog takes a look around and yells back at the eagle: "Hey eagle. About how high up are we?
<...

Why did the eagle with a cold get arrested?

He was an ill-eagle.

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Father, why is my brother called Flying Eagle?"

“Well son, when an Indian brave comes out from the teepee after his wife gives birth, the child is named for the first thing the father sees.”

“Oh, is that why sister is named Rising Fawn?”

“Yes. All the braves name their children this way.”

“I understand, father.”

“Ok. I...

An eagle goes looking for a mate...

He swoops down and picks up a loon. "I'm a loon, I'm a loon, I love to spoon."

The eagle realizes this will not work, so he kicks the loon out and finds a hawk. "I'm a hawk, I'm a hawk, I just want to talk."

Realizing that that will not work, he kicks out the hawk and finds a dove. "I'...

A guy gave me a badass eagle tattoo in my crotch region for $50.

It looked so sick that I asked him to give me a matching tattoo in the palm of my hand so I could show it to everyone, but he said this one would cost $100. He said, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do they call Joe Biden Walking Eagle?

While meeting with leaders of the Native American tribes, Donald Trump overheard them speaking to each other about "Walking Eagle."

Trump pulled one of the leaders aside and asked who "Walking Eagle" was.

"Oh," said the elder, "that's our name for Joe Biden."

Trump scowled. "Wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Sven collapsed one chill November Saturday after chopping maple wood near his house in the birch forest, five miles outside of Eagle River, Wisconsin.

He arose, sauntered home and changed into his flannel, tractor-print pajamas. It grew quiet and his breathing became labored. So, Sven lay down on the plaid-quilted single bed in the green guest room. His wife, Lena, tended to his care. He said nothing and sipped only a cup of water or two. On the e...

Two men die and go to heaven, St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates

"Gentlemen," he says, "I'm very sorry, but your condos aren't ready yet, so I can send you back to Earth for a few days in whatever form you wish."

"Well," the first man says, "I always thought I'd like to be an eagle soaring majestically over the Grand Canyon."

"And I'd like to be a r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell...

He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and say...

I was out for a quick ride when a large bird of prey dropped dead right in front of me, throwing me clear off my bicycle.

Shocked, confused, and a little banged up, I decided to take the dead raptor to a vet. Autopsy revealed it had suffered from a myocardial infarction likely caused by severe hypertension.

As the vet put it, I’d fallen victim to an ill eagle arrest.

Why couldn't the hobbits fly the Eagles to Mordor?

Because they were on tour and only got back at the end.

What's the difference between a falcon and an eagle?

Eagles can hold a lead.

Gliding Eagles

Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.

They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.

The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call sp...

Roger the wingless eagle didn't let the ridicule coming from other able-bodied birds get him down

He was unflappable

What's the difference between an eagle and a snitch?

Nothing, they both talon you.

Here all night.

A creature is born of a lion mother and an eagle father. How does he get into Hogwart’s?

The Gryffindor

What's the difference between patriots, eagles, and Cheerios?

Cheerios belong in a Bowl.

I encountered an eagle with an identity crisis...

He's watching me like a hawk.

Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote

Pony tells Coyote: "I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?"

Coyote: "Why can't you yell at him yourself?"

Pony replies: "Because I'm a little horse."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last semen sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking Eagle

Barack Obama spoke for nearly an hour at the American Indian Convention,
referring to the audience as his red brothers and red sisters. Obama promised the native Americans
expanded job opportunity, improved living conditions and a higher standard of living.
Although detail was vague or l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Did you know that sick eagles are not permitted by the law?

Because it's ill-eagle

Two Bald Eagles

A bald eagle decides to stop by a small lake to get a drink. As he's drinking another bald eagle lands next to him.


He looks at the eagle and notices a tulip, a rose, and a rabbit's foot on top of his head.

"What's with the stuff on your head?", the eagle asks.

"Oh this?"...

If a Birdie is one less than par, and an Eagle is two less than par, and an Albatross is three less than par…

…then, in keeping with an avian theme, why can’t a Hole-in-One be referred to as a Bay-Gull?

TL;DR-
A Bagel isn’t a Bagel unless there’s a Hole-in-One.

Why did the eagle spare the mouse's life?

He couldn't be buzzard to hunt it.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes...

What's the difference between a hawk and an eagle?

All birds have specialized tail feathers called pinions. An eagle has 8 pinions, while a hawk only has 7. So you could say the difference is only a matter of a pinion.

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

I’ve got the heart of a lion and the eye of an eagle...

And now i’m banned from entering the zoo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baby eagle in his nest sees a fighter jet passing overhead.

Amazed at the speed, he turns to mamma and asks, "Why can't we fly so fast?" 

Mamma: "You would too my son, if your ass was on fire."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking Eagle

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,...

Lucky day for Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly.

Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly was watching the news when he witnessed something astounding. A young Syrian man had just thrown a hand grenade over 100 yards through the window of a building into a room that housed a sniper. He was so impressed that he had the man found and brought into t...

How Can You Identify a Bald Eagle?

All his feathers are combed to one side

I found this little baby eagle on the ground and it looked like it was sick.

I thought about taking it to the vet, but I didn't pick it up because it's ill eagle.

My Friend Smuggled a Sick Eagle Across The Border So It Can Get Treatment

It's an ill-eagle.

What do a mole and an eagle have in common?

They both live underground. Except for the eagle.

What did Doug Pederson tell the Eagles about the tough matchup with the Saints?

Don’t expect tomorrow to be a breeze.

Why is it prohibited to feed eagles in several countries?

Because it would be ill-eagle

What do you call an Eagle who can't catch it's prey?

*Talon*tless.


...Sorry.

I saw a meerkat save its nephew from an eagle's clutches at the very last second.

It was a meer-uncle.

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Eagles held the record for bestselling album of all time.

That was until Micheal Jackson beat it..

The difference between a Life Scout and an Eagle Scout.

A Life Scout is ready for anything. The Eagle Scout is ready for Murphy's Law.

What do you get when a condor, an ostrich, and an eagle walk into a bar?

Three golfers lying about their game

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

Why do Republicans hate sick eagles?

Because they're illegals

Why aren't eagles allowed to be sick in america?

Because that would be illeagle

I was laying in my hotel room bed, naked and spread eagle, when the cleaning lady comes in.

Finally.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Billy was excited to get his Eagle badge but had to pass a final test

Billy and his mates are on a camping trip, when the troop leader said "I have one final test for you, Billy," as he pointed towards a tree. "I need you to identify the front of this tree."

Little Billy walks around the tree, studying it, the troop leader is stumped as Billy proclaims, "obviou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is put on trial for killing and eating a bald eagle.

As they are a protected species. The judge asks the man why he did this, and the man explains that he survived a plane crash in the wild and did it because it was the only things he could do to eat. Given the circumstances, the judge lets him off the hook. After the trial a reported walks up to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone loves birds, but men and women have different favorite species of birds

For instance. Men have falcons, eagles, vultures etc as their favorite

But women have great tits.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.