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Ace Jokes

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what do you call an asexual lawyer?

an ace attorney

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships...

Its called 'Scarf Ace'.

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French fighter pilot.

A woman is working in the bar she owns when in walks a very handsome man. They get chatting and it turns out he is a frenchman named Piere. They get on very well. He tells her about his daring adventures as an ace fighter pilot. She is getting more and more turned on by him and, when she can stand i...

Not to brag, but I aced the drug test at work today.

Nobody got higher than me.

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Ace Ventura decided to run for politics

He's already good at talking out of his ass.

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My poem about a heavy metal band's best album is being read on British radio

ABCB on ACDC's ace CD on BBC

Tom f‌‌inally d‌‌ecided t‌‌o t‌‌ie t‌‌he k‌‌not w‌‌ith h‌‌is l‌‌ongtime g‌‌irlfriend. O‌‌ne e‌‌vening, a‌‌fter t‌‌he h‌‌oneymoon, h‌‌e w‌‌as c‌‌leaning o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is h‌‌ot r‌‌ods f‌‌or a‌‌n u‌‌pcoming s‌‌how.

His w‌‌ife w‌‌as s‌‌tanding t‌‌here a‌‌t t‌‌he b‌‌ench w‌‌atching h‌‌im. A‌‌fter a‌‌ l‌‌ong p‌‌eriod o‌‌f s‌‌ilence s‌‌he f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks. "‌‌Honey, I‌‌'ve j‌‌ust b‌‌een t‌‌hinking, n‌‌ow t‌‌hat w‌‌e a‌‌re m‌‌arried m‌‌aybe i‌‌t's t‌‌ime y‌‌ou q‌‌uit s‌‌pending a‌‌ll y‌‌our t‌‌ime o‌‌ut h‌‌ere i‌...

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A group of asexuals are playing cards

one, the dealer, says "I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table."

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Guy dies and goes to Heaven and God grants him a final wish. He tells God, "I've never won in Vegas." God winks and says, "Okay! Let's go." And God snaps his fingers and - poof! - God and the guy are at a blackjack table at Bellagio Casino on the Strip.

God gives the guy $100,000 in chips and says, "Bet it all." The guy shrugs and puts up all the chips and the dealer deals him an 19 - against the dealer's 6. God says, "Take a card." The guy says, "Hit a 19 against a bad hand?"

Gods insists. "Take a card." The dealer deals him a 2. The guy sa...

A man and his wife are speeding down the highway when they get stopped by a police officer

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asks
"Not really" the man answers
"Don't worry, sir, you're not in trouble, I actually pulled you over because I find the way you drive your car really impressive, you're a skilled driver, I bet you aced your driving exam and really earned that ...

The gynocologist turned mechanic...

After 20 years in the industry, a gynecologist decides he wants to try something new, so he takes some classes on automotive work. After completing the final, which consisted of a written test and a practical, he asked his instructor how he did.

"Well, you earned 150 points out of 100." The I...

I don’t get how people have problems with diversity in Lord of the Rings

Legolas has been an arrow ace the whole time.

Why was the successful gambler uncomfortable when he sat down?

He had an ace in the hole.

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This old man is playing cards and keeps on winning...

He always seems to have an Ace of Spades.

The people around ask, "How is that happening?"

He replies, "I'm wearing my lucky sweater. My wife knitted it for me."

A few plays later, and still, he keeps winning.

Now, everyone accuses him of cheating.

"What's up your s...

[NSFW] A Wealthy Surgeon Goes Golfing with His Buddies

Feeling particularly braggadocious, he starts showing off his new Ferrari.



"It cost over $200,000! The interior is amazingly luxurious, and the paint color is a limited edition. Naturally, it's incredibly fast as well."



One of his buddies, a mechanic, asks him if it can...

Girl: I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be some detective ace all the time. I think we should split up.

Me: Excellent idea. That way we can cover more ground.

Tennis ace Novak Djokovic has refused to take the Coronavirus vaccines

He's now known as Novax Djokovic

Written on My Forehead

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".
Fine, then t...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign....

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

A u‌‌niversity s‌‌tudent w‌‌anted t‌‌o s‌‌it n‌‌ext t‌‌o o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is t‌‌eachers a‌‌t l‌‌unch.

However, t‌‌he t‌‌eacher l‌‌ooked a‌‌t t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌n a‌‌rrogant f‌‌ace a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "A s‌‌wan s‌‌han't b‌‌e f‌‌riends w‌‌ith a‌‌ p‌‌ig."

"Then I‌‌ s‌‌hall f‌‌ly o‌‌n", a‌‌nswered t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌ s‌‌mile.

The t‌‌eacher w‌‌as c‌‌learly v‌‌exed b‌‌y t‌‌he c‌‌heek...

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Job advertisement

A company was searching for someone to pack items. The only requirement for the job was to be able to count to ten.

The first applicant comes in and is asked to count to ten.

>10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

Well, that's backwards. Can you also do it in the correct ord...

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"Alvin, sell your business!"

Alvin is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above that says, "Alvin, sell your business!" He ignores it.

The voice goes on for days saying, "Alvin, sell your business for three million dollars!" After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store.

The voice says, "...

In honor of the Braves' victory, Lets remember Mel Famey, a pitcher for the old Milwaukee Braves.

It was the last game of the season and all the other relief pitchers had been used for a double header, and Mel had driven to the park with his car full of cans of a product Milwaukee had become known for. Truth be told, he was pretty nervous before the game, because he knew he would be called on ...

‌‌The b‌‌eautiful s‌‌ecretary o‌‌f a‌‌ b‌‌ank p‌‌resident w‌‌as a‌‌sked t‌‌o s‌‌quire a‌‌round t‌‌he k‌‌ing o‌‌f a‌‌ w‌‌ealthy A‌‌frican k‌‌ingdom, o‌‌ne o‌‌f t‌‌he b‌‌ank's m‌‌ost i‌‌mportant c‌‌lients.

After a‌‌ d‌‌ay s‌‌hopping and‌‌ s‌‌ightseeing, t‌‌he k‌‌ing w‌‌as u‌‌tterly b‌‌esotted w‌‌ith t‌‌he l‌‌ady, a‌‌nd a‌‌sked f‌‌or h‌‌er h‌‌and i‌‌n m‌‌arriage. T‌‌he p‌‌roposal t‌‌ook t‌‌he s‌‌ecretary b‌‌y s‌‌urprise a‌‌nd s‌‌he w‌‌as t‌‌hinking o‌‌f h‌‌ow t‌‌o t‌‌urn h‌‌im d‌‌own p‌‌olitely w‌‌itho...

I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam.

I got a bee.

WIFE: if you quote Ace Ventura one more time, I'm seriously going to leave you

ME: alllllllllrighty then

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Three male coworkers are upset to find that the fourth member of their weekly golf outing will no longer be joining them...

...a female coworker overhears their plight and asks if she can join. The men are hesitant, but in the name of equality they decide to allow it.

"We like to take our time, so we start early," says one of the men.

"No worries," says the woman, "I'll be there at 7:30 or 8:00."

S...

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Once upon a time, there was a wasp.

Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, no, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belo...

I just aced my philosophy test

The question was, "What is the central question of epistemology?" I answered, "How should I know?"

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Little Johnny wants to move up to fifth grade

A teacher was having a problem with Johnny in third grade. He said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 5, if not Grade 6. My sister is in Grade 4, I'm doing all her homework and I know stuff that she hasn't even learned."

The teacher had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. Little Johnny...

Little Johnny brought his great grandfather to show n tell

The noted WWI Ace began to speak about his years flying in the war; "There were Fokkers all around us, left and right, above and below."
The teacher nervously interjected "Class, the Fokker was an airplane."
Johnny's Grandfather turned to her and said "HARRUMPH! That may be, madame, but these ...

Man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him started playing poker

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:...

Polish sausage

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German...

The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam...

Aced it!

Did you hear about the pasta sauce that was really good at knocking down pins?

It was a bowlin’ ace.

A woman goes to the doctor.

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him a story.


She is recently retired, and last week, she went on a trip to a secluded beach resort. She started hiking on a trail, got lost, and slipped and hurt her ankle. She was quite worried, because it was in a secluded spot and she couldn't mo...

So I was playing poker with my friends, and I was dominating. One of them asks, “How are you so good at this?” And another answered, “He’s got aces up his sleeves! Pat him down!” Which they did.

You wouldn’t believe how long it took for them to realize I was wearing a tank top.

During a radio interview the host brings up his Swedish guest's past achievements as an air force commander...

"So Commander, I understand you were an ace fighter pilot during World War II"

The Commander replies, "Ya sure, dis is true, I shot down nine of those Fokkers"

The host says, "at this point I think we should inform our listening audience that a "Fokker" is a type of German airplane use...

Dating a female tennis player is always a good idea.

They've got good aces.

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George hears the voice of God

George owns a grocery store and makes decent money. One day, he hears the voice God. God says, "Sell your store and move to Vegas." George, a devout Christian, complies. So George is walking down the Strip, when God says, "head into this casino and play blackjack." George does. After playing a...

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Pierre the French Air Force Ace!

Pierre the French Air Force Ace finishes another successful mission and goes to a small hotel bar to celebrate. He meets a nice lady who after few drinks invites him to go to her hotel room. In the room conversation quickly turns into action and she asks him to kiss her. Pierre without thinking ope...

Which animal aced our Elementary Algebra exam?

The g-raph.

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

Little joke my younger brother once pulled/said to me.

He comes home from school all excited and says

"Hey Ace, have you ever seen the clown that hides from stupid people?"

Me just kind of ignoring him but catching on to what he says to late I reply "nope"

He says "yeah I didn't think you would see him."

Damn Little kids man.

I was talking to this girl...

And she told me if I played my cards right I could spend a night with her. So I gave her 4 aces.

How do you neutralize Lords of Acid?

With some Ace of Base.

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In WW2, what did the Germans have that the Japanese didn't?

Ace pilots.

A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...

He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.

The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!

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An Italian, a Jew, and a Polish guy apply to be Police Officers

They all ace the written exam and it's time for the interviews. The Italian has his interview and it goes great, the interviewer says, "Okay, one last question. Who killed Jesus?" The Italian says, "The Jews." Then the Jew has his interview and ends with the same question, "Who killed Jesus?" The Je...

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A magician was performing on a cruise ship

A magician was doing a show for passengers aboard a cruise ship. A part of his act was his pet parrot, who would entertain guests by talking. However, the parrot was being particularly difficult that night.

The magician held up an ordinary cloth, and with a flick of the wrist, it was gone...

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A black guy walked into the Bar...

Exam with great confidence aced that shit and is now a very successful lawyer.

Get your heads right people sheesh.

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Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

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Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

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A Blonde Phone Call to Mom

Hi Mom, it's me.
"Hi Sally, are you okay?
I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"Oh, I punch...

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David and the voice.

David was working in his shoe shop one day when he heard a voice whisper out to him, "Sell your shop".

He ignored it contributing it to the old building. The next week he heard it again. "Sell your shop," the voice whispered. He continued to ignore it until the voice was speaking to him every...

A college student is taking an end of the semester test for his bird study class

He realizes that if he studies the whole night, he can ace the final and get a good grade. So he pulls an all-nighter and feels good about the material. The next day, he arrives to his class, and the test begins. The thing he neglected to study was identifying certain birds by their footprint. This ...

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3 viagra

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says he needs 3 Viagra right away. The doctor asks why he needs 3 and the guy says "well my ex wife is coming over this morning, my wife will be home this afternoon, and I'm seeing my girlfriend tonight." The doctor agrees to give him 3, but says "I want to s...

The Detective's Conundrum

The detective walked into the smokey room. His assistant scurried in after. He took in the scene.

A dim light.
A flipped table.
And 53 bicycles laying all around the floor.

"It's apparent what he wrong here," the detective said.

"What is it?" asked the perplexed assist...

Why didn’t the doctor prescribe lisinopril for Snoopy’s high blood pressure?

Ace inhibitors are contraindicated in Sopwith pilots.

A man is found dead surrounded by 53 bicycles. How did he die?

He had an ace up his sleeve.

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

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My favorite joke. So John owns a hardware store...

...and business is doing well. One day, as he is standing around keeping shop, he hears a booming voice from the heavens: JOHN, SELL YOUR HARDWARE STORE.

John looks around and nobody else is reacting. Nobody else heard it. So he decides to act as if nothing happened, and just hope he is not ...

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A man is at the Casino...

A man is sitting at a blackjack table. He's not doing very well, and is about to get up and walk away, when he hears God, 'play again'. The man sits back down and plays another hand. He's dealt 20, and God says 'Hit'. The man, nervously says 'h-hit please'. He's dealt an Ace and wins. He is dealt ag...

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God speaks to a man... and tells him to go to Vegas.

A man is sitting behind his desk at home when suddenly a voice from the heavens booms down at him. "Go to Las Vegas," it says. The man, thoroughly intimidated by the voice, books the quickest ticket to Vegas. When he arrives, God speaks again. "Go to the blackjack table!" The man walks to the neares...

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My ex-wife says I'm a bad influence on our son

The bitch must've forgotten I taught him his Ace, Two, Threes

Karen met a magician .....

Magician: "Think of a card, any card."
Karen: "OK"
Magician: "Visualize it in your mind."
Karen: "OK"
Magician: "Is it the King of Hearts?"
Karen: "No"
Magician: "Is it the Ace of diamonds?"
Karen: "No"
Magician: "What is it then?"
Karen: "My husbands Credit Card!!..

My gambling addiction must be getting out of hand because I've just lost my wife in a game of poker...

She said "How could you do such a thing, losing your wife in a stupid card game!?"

I replied, "Sorry honey, it was very hard for me at the time."

She said, "What do you mean?"

I replied, "Well, it wasn't easy, folding when I had four aces."

Jay-Z owned a baseball team.

From day one, it was a foregone conclusion that it would be a cellar-dwelling team. Everyone on that team had a batting average of below .150, and not a single player scored a home-run. The defense was horrible; every outfielder was scared of fly-balls, the infielders couldn’t catch line drives to s...

Last-minute thinking

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid-term. The last question, worth 70 points or none at all was:

"Name seven advantages of mother's milk."

One student in particular had partied the night before, and was hard put to think of 7 advantages.

He wrote:

...

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There's this shopkeeper named John...

His business is doing beautifully. One day, a heavenly voice calls out to him, "John, sell your shop."

He says, "What?"

"John. Sell your shop."

John, not going to question a heavenly voice calling out to him, does so for several hundred thousand dollars. Then, "John, go to Vega...

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A man hears a voice from above...

The voice commands: "SELL YOUR BUSINESS!" The man is understandably hesitant, but the voice is insistent. "SELL YOUR BUSINESS!" The man finally gives in and sells his fairly successful business to the tune of 3 million dollars. Soon after, he hears the voice again.

"NOW, SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY...

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