What kind of behaviour could underline a serious problem in your relationship?

When you feel like your partner is always trying to Ctrl+U.

My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behaviour.

Little does she know she can’t enter my pillow fort without the secret password.

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A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

Unusual Ornithological Behaviour

The Department of Tourism clean-up crew recently found over 200 dead crows off and along interstate 93 near Boston and there was concern that they may have died from some sort of Covid/Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the pro...

A Korean immigrant was beaten up by police after they asked for his name and registration papers during a routine traffic stop.

"I never have received seen such bad behaviour by cops" said Mr Fuuk Yu.

What part of the brain regulates elk-like behaviour?

The hypothalamoose.

Juan, a prison warden, decided a group of sikhs (4 or 5 of them) should be released for good behaviour.

The occasion was mentioned in the newspaper: “Juan to free four, five sikhs”
I’ll be here all week.

Council workers

Two men are doing work for their local council. One digs holes in the ground, the other man follows behind and fills them in.

Spotting this strange behaviour a local approaches them and asks why they’re digging holes just to fill them in again.

One of the men replies, “Oh we’re usually...

Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

My dad told me he wouldn’t stand for my violent behaviour anymore

I thought that’s pretty fair as I broke both of his legs yesterday

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Drunk private with a wheelbarrow

Sergeant: So as I understand it, private, yesterday after curfew, you were caught arriving from a night out, piss-drunk, with a fucking wheelbarrow?!

Private: Yes, sir that is correct but I think-

Sergeant: I'm thinking 10 days solitary confinement! This is absolutely unacceptable beha...

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

What's the difference between obsequious behaviour towards someone important in order to gain advantage and John Wayne Gacy wearing a top hat and monocle?

One is sycophancy and the other is a fancy sicko.

(As far as I'm aware this is an original joke that I created and am quite pleased with)

At a party, an old lady was complaining about the behaviour of the youth of today.

'Look at the girl over there.' She complained, 'I don't know what young girls are coming to! She is wearing boys jeans, a boys shirt, and that hair cut is so boyish - you wouldn't know if she was a girl at all, would you?'.

'Well, as it happens I would', came the reply, 'because she is my da...

What have good cops and good prisoners in common?

They both get released early for good behaviour.

How do parents punish their blind children for bad behaviour?

They rearange the furniture.

As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities

Their first project will be Drag Racing

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

Zoology: On the feeding behaviour of birds.

I read an article a few years ago about the Massachusetts highway department getting an increased number of complaints about dead crows by the highways.

The state consulted behavioural experts, and performed autopsies of some of the dead birds and determined that they were scavenging by the r...

Two genius economists were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour

Chinese joke from the 1990s.

Two genius economists A and B were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour. They walked past a pile of dog dung, and A said to B:

“I’ll give you 50 million dollars if you eat that pile of dog dung!”

B thought about it, worked out i...

After watching social justice warrior's behaviour on YouTube. TIL: the old saying is true...

War doesn't determine who's on the right, only who's on the left.

I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour.

And call it Obsessive Disorders Control.

A radio DJ is on air and comes up with a competition

The winner will get £1000 if they can come up with a word, not in the dictionary without checking.

Several listeners call in but unfortunately their responses were already in the dictionary.

Hamish, a Scottish listener, phones in and says "Goan"

The DJ checks the dictionary an...

An inmate in a prison is about to be released for good behaviour.

The prison guard walks into the cell to inform the inmate of the good news.
At first, the inmate speaks to the prison guard and is almost immediately interrupted.
The prison guard interjects, but before he can tell the inmate he is soon to be released for good behaviour, the inmate loudly shou...

American jokes?

What are some jokes told in other countries about American behaviours?

Qu'est-ce que c'est tes blauges favoris qui parlents comment sont les americans?

Please list the country that it's from. Thanks!

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Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*

In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosit...

A piece of rope walks into a bar.

After very inappropriate behaviour, the bartender asks the rope to leave.

The rope leaves and gives itself a makeover by unravelling himself at the top and tying himself into a knot.

It returns the next day and the bartender asks “Aren’t you the same guy yesterday?”

It says: “I’...

I hate anti-vaxxers!

Their behaviour is simply sickening.

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking. Was scared at that very moment but then immediately got down from the driving seat and sat on the back seat.
After few mins. an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for alcohol test.

I said:...

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call him maestro... or else

many years ago there was an orchestra in omaha whose conductor was notoriously ill tempered. he would fly off the handle at the smallest mistake, yet he would never offer any constructive criticism. he thought he was the greatest, and demanded to be called maestro. but sometimes, he'd give the wrong...

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot

Once upon a time there was a person with a parrot, the parrot was rude and often sweared to get what it wanted. One day, the owner couldn’t take it anymore, and decided to put the parrot in the freezer. The parrot started squawking profanities, until it finally stopped. The owner, in fear, opened th...

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

My neighbours have been married 20 years

Unfortunately, I've heard them have the same argument a lot lately


Him: You're cheating! Don't deny it, I can see through your behaviour!


Her: Well you beat me all the time, and I've had enough!


Maybe they should play something other than Monopoly...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

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Dear Diary

Wife's  Diary:    

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.  We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,      
but he made no comment on it.

Conve...

My brother and I both went to the mall today.

We were both hanging around, having a nice time together. Then suddenly out of a blue, a guy came up to us, holding a lighter in his hand. He looked awfully fishy and he gave us a strange stare.


"Hey, boys. Ya mind if I ask ya a question?"


"What is it?" My brother asked, unper...

A joke my granddad once told me.

I always loved this one, my granddad told it to me years ago. Still one of my favourites.



An elderly woman wakes one morning and looks out of her bedroom window. Across the road she sees two men from the local council office slowly making their way up the grassy embankment at the side...

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A man is jacking off on a plane

There are no other people in his row as the plane is relatively empty. So he's been going at it for a couple of minutes now, but suddenly an air hostess catches him red handed.
"Sir! This is not appropriate behaviour! Please stop this act immediately!"
"No way woman! I'm right about to ejacula...

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There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

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[Religion] If you're religious this is not for you. The setup is completely fictional. Please don't get offended.

The catholic church would have you believe that Jesus Christ was one single person while, actually they were a set of twins - Jesus and Christ. It was through this that Jesus came back to life, Christ was crucified and Jesus made a religion by apparently coming back to life.
Christ was a...

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Six Letters of the Alphabet

Billy was a boy in kindergarten. At the end of the school day, the teacher gave the class a simple task.

“Ok class, I want you to go home tonight and learn the first six letters of the alphabet.”

So Billy left school determined to learn what the teacher had asked. When he got home, he ...

A Young Jewish boy kept acting up at school..

One day, the school calls his father and says, "Your son keeps acting up in class, and his behaviour is unacceptable. We'd reccomend placement in another school."

So the father talks to his son and decides he's gonna send him to a private school.

A week later, the private school calls ...

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A dude walks into a bank...

"Hi, I'd like to open a fucking bank account!"

The lady teller is a bit offended and asks the man to calm down.

"What do you mean calm down? I'm fucking calm!"

"Sir, if you don't stop with the offensive language , I will have to call my manager!"

"What the fuck are you ta...

Every time you get sick, slap yourself in the face until you get better.

After some time, you'll stop getting sick because your body has been trained that this is bad behaviour.

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Three nuns

Three nuns, of the Immaculate conception nunnery were called in the office of the Chief Priest.

Priest said to them : I heard some rumors about your indecent behaviour with some men. But God is merciful and will forgive you if you come clean. He then asks the first nun to confess. «Father I ...

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How I picked my career.

I was driving down the street, when I was cut off by someone. I honked frantically, applied the brakes masterfully and dodged a sure accident. At the next set of lights, I pulled up beside the perpetrators and it was a car with 4 black men in it. I gave them the finger, and they became hostile towar...

Two doctors are arguing in a hospital corridor.

The first doctor says “I’m telling you, it’s spelled W-U-M-B”

The second replies, angrily “Of course it isn’t, you fool, it’s W-O-U-M-B!”

A senior nurse, with years of experience, appalled by what she’s hearing, hurries over to put a stop to the shouting match in progress.

“Doc...

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A lawyer in Los Angeles helped make history last month

His client was a UPS driver accused of sexually harassing a woman while dropping off a package. He figured his best chance to win was to fill the jury with people who saw this behaviour as normal. So, he manipulated the process to fill the jury exclusively with male porn stars. It was the first time...

Professor Snape and Eearmus

There was once a terribly misbehaving student at Hogwarts. His name was Eearmus. He wouldn't finish his homework or practice any of his incantations. The teachers were getting really impatient with Eearmus.

One day, Eearmus was extra mischievous and decided to play a prank on professor Snape...

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The Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argue...

Add pressurised gas to orange juice you get orangeade. Add pressurised gas to cherry juice you get cherryade. Add pressurised gas to a man named Declan.

You get a decade. Though I'm hoping to be out on parole after 5 for good behaviour.

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A chicken farmer buys a new rooster. . .

And he's assured by his friend who sold it to him that he's the perfect breeder.
Feeling a little sceptical, the farmer still takes the rooster back to his farm. No sooner then putting the rooster is let out of his box then it runs into the barn and starts having sex with every hen it can find....

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding...

.....but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you ...

2 Monocles walk into a bar

The new bartender can tell that they are already well on their way to intoxication but obliges them anyway when they order 2 shots.

As the night goes on they continue to get drunker and drunker and their behaviour becomes obnoxious. From loud arguments to inappropriate comments to women and e...

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

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Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely..

..so God asked Adam, “What is bothering you?”

Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She...

The Queen gets older...

As she grew older, the Queen became rather flatulent. One day, she was receiving foreign ambassadors when she was unable to stop herself from loudly breaking wind. Immediately, the quick-witted French ambassador stepped forward, made an elegant bow and very gallantly said: “I beg Your Majesty’s apol...

Three Irish brothers

Three Irish brothers go to the pub every Friday for a pint of Guinness after work. One day one of the brothers informs the other two that he’s been offered a new job in England and it’s too good to pass up. They’re upset but understand and wish him well so long as he goes to the pub every Friday and...

There was a man that received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could o...

Shopping with Wife

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following le...

Email from God

God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are mi...

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During WWII, an Australian, a British and an American P.O.W. are forcibly recruited by a brilliant Nazi scientist to undergo an experimental treatment…

The purpose of the experiment is to create human time-keeping machines. They are each placed in separate rooms and subjected to intense brainwashing. After a week of treatment, the scientist comes to inspect on their progress.

He first looks in on the Australian soldier. Staring blankly ahea...

Next time it will be you!

Since he was a child, at every wedding they met, aunt Bertha pinched Joe's cheeks an said merrily "Next time it will be you!". She only realized how obnoxious her behaviour was when Joe pinched her cheeks one day, and said enthusiastically: "Next time it will be you!", wile they sat at uncle Bob's ...

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[Long]Another joke from my country

Part 1

There was a guy in a small village called 'Amda' and he had a weird fetish of trying to stick his dick in anyone who bends over infront of him.

People in his village started to avoid him once they got to know this fetish of his and that made Amda desperate to stick his dick in ...

A group of wives go on a bus trip

A group of wives go on a bus trip.

It was a rainy day. So, while driving over a bridge, the driver lost control over the bus and the bus fell into the river.

All women died in the accident.

The next day, their husbands came to the bridge to mourn for their dead wives.

Aft...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful woman on the top floor of a 4 storey apartment building trips and falls over her balcony.

The neighbour living in the floor below happened to be outside when he heard her scream. He looked up and saw her coming down and as any good man would do, he caught her in his arms as she dangled over the edge.

"Save me, please!!" She cried.

The man began to pull her up but stopped w...

The Head Teacher

Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let's call him... Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school's inherent needs, and great relationships with all staff/pupils....

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So these four nuns are in a car accident and die...

... and are lined up at the pearly gates waiting to talk to St Peter. The first nun gte to the gate and St Peter asks her only one question: "Sister - Have you ever had anything to do with a man's penis?" The first nun replied "well i saw one once, but that's all". St Peter told her to wash her eye...

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The Billionaire Kid.

A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny, always the first with his hand up and always the naughtiest says “I wanna be a billionaire Miss”

“I’ll be going to the most expensive clubs, take my best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment ...

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Two widows go to the cemetery everyday...

... One of them spends all her time crying by the grave of her late husband. The other one just stands on the gravestone of her respective husband and urinates all over it.
So, the first one found the behaviour of the second one weird, went to her and asked:
"Did you hate him that much that y...

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Son was causing problems...

He didn't study, was rude to everyone, never listened to anyone. Dad tried various things to get him in line but nothing helped.

One night when dad was meeting with his friends, he asked them for advice. He heard again the things he already tried. Then one of the guys sugested that he should...

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.

One boy says: “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviour. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Mayb...

TIL that India is installing 15000 CCTV cameras in Delhi for Obama's visit.

This is ridiculous.
Just because he's black doesn't mean he'll steal anything.... When will the world stop this Racist behaviour ?

One of the patients in a mental hospital saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub.

After hearing this, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

'Mr James,' says the official, 'your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you are ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck'...

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Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for having nun porn?

He got off on good behaviour.

Some kid just threw a bottle of milk at me

HOW DAIRY! His behaviour was udderly disgusting. It just skimmed my head.

He saw the frozen chicken

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.

George thought to himself, "On no! ...

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No Swearing

A woman gets a phone call from the school where her twin boys attend, informing her that they have been suspended for swearing and are not allowed to return until they change their behaviour.

The woman is livid. She goes to school, drags them to the car by their ears and sends them to their ...

I knew they weren't fooling around

Little Sameer was failing in maths. His parents tried everything.

Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, but nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic School.

"Those nuns are tough" they said.

Sameer was soon enrolled at St. Mary's...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all sit down at a bar and order a beer...

...then three flies happen along, each one landing in the mug of its respective owner. The Englishman is repulsed and orders another. The Irishman gives him a dirty look, obviously finding his fey behaviour offensive, and flicks the fly from his mug, taking a long drink. Then both of them hear screa...

Man with a mission

A guy is standing next to an open manhole cover. While smiling and giggling he points down towards the manhole and keeps repeating Twenty six... Twenty six.. Continuosly.

Curiosity got the better of one drunk passerby who was slightly amused by this behaviour. He moves closer to the dude sta...

Prince William visits the Royal Institute for the insane...

He inspects the facilities and has a cup of tea with the workers, just as his mother would have done. He then asks to speak to a few of the residents. The staff were hesitant to agree to the request, but seeing as he was the chief patron of the institute, they couldn`t say no.

After meeting ...

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