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Hero Jokes

AITA for calling my husband “my hoagie” during BDSM roleplay when I was supposed to call him “my hero”?

Oops! Wrong, sub.

So when I donate a kidney I’m hailed as a hero, but when I donate 20 kidneys I get arrested?

Make up your mind hospitals!

What does the hero of Asgard have in common with most insects?

A Thor axe.

(Joke made-up by my 9 yrs old) If ordinary underwear are called under-pants and a storms underwear are called thunder-pants, what do you call a super heroes underwear?

Wonder-pants!

Which Marvel hero would be the best nemesis of The Riddler?

The Pun-isher.

Did you hear about the team of mutant trans-women super-heroes?

They're called "The Ex-Men".

You either die young enough to be remembered as a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Just ask Jean-Claude Van Damme

What was Iron Man's rejected hero name?

Fe Male

I once had 4 blowouts at once, but managed to drive on the metal of my rims from New York to New Jersey. I did pretty good, but the hero of the moment was my car.

It worked tirelessly.

what did every super hero need as a kid?

Supervision

what the hell is wrong with society? someone donates a kidney and they're considered a hero

i donate 5 kidneys and they consider me as a mass murderer who deserves to rot in hell?

Boba Fett is my hero. I've got pictures of him in every room.

I think I've got a fettish.

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

I went down to the deli the other day.

I went down to the deli the other day and got myself a sub sandwich. I walked out of the store and towards the park, and I was just about to take my first bite, when out of nowhere, Dave Grohl ran up behind me and snatched it from my grasp. I knew I couldn't outrun him, so I just shook my fist and t...

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

TIL About the ancient Greek hero Boephades

Like Achilles, he was invulnerable except for one part of his body. Except instead of his ankle, it was his groin.

You've heard of Achilles heel, but did you know about

Boephades nuts?

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So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...

People often arguing about which Avenger is the best. Cap, Iron man, Thor...mine is Antman.

I can't help but cheer for an Ant-y hero.

Thought I saw my first super hero today....

He was sprinting down the street wearing a cape....

Turns out, he hadn't paid for his haircut.

If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on?

The Ex-Men.

When I donated a kidney, they said I was a hero.

But when I donated 7 more, they seemed a lot less appreciative.

Meet Alexei, the hero who has destroyed over a dozen Russian tanks!

Alexei is the worst mechanic in the Russian army

A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed Joh...

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

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Just remember, Hitler is one of histories heroes.

After all, he DID kill Hitler.

50 Jokes for 50 US States

# ALABAMA

When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day's headline would scream "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

'...

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There was an angry ape

Ever since it lost his mate, he has been mean, throwing feces, and acting aggressive toward staff and visitors.

Into this, a young apprentice zookeeper was thrown. For some reason, George the ape was taken by him. Maybe it was his thick beard.

So the man was waiting for his boss in ...

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

The Hero: I'm on a quest to avenge the death of my Father!

The Paladin: You have my sword!

The Elf: And my bow!

The Dwarf: And my axe!

The Necromancer: And your father!

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

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A hero comes to a village...

The villagers all looks very upset, so the hero ask what happen. "There is a huge dragon living in the mountain. Every week, it will come down and eat one of our virgin girls" the villager reply. The hero then promise to help. Two weeks later, the dragon starved to death.

Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.

But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors...

Because heroes never dye.

In Soviet Russia a teacher asks the pupils who is their favourite hero

In Soviet Russia a teacher asks the pupils who is their favourite hero. Vovochka raises his hand and replies "Lenin!". He gets rewarded with highest mark but mutters under his breath "sorry Winnetou but business is business.".

If I could be any super hero I'd be Aluminum man

That way I could foil the bad guys

What do you call a Hero who rides a Public Bus?

A passenger

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

Holland’s kitchen appliance manufacturers are the real heroes

Imagine how hard it must be to sell someone a Dutch oven.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

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A joke written by the AI, ChatGPT

The sky above the port was the color of a moldy jellyfish, a sickly green that made everyone below feel nauseous. But a group of rebellious clowns, led by the hapless hero Isaac Newton, had a plan to bring some joy to the dreary sky. Using a circus tent and a lot of helium, they intended to lift the...

Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl

* Rated G - the prince gets the girl.
* Rated PG - the hero gets the girl.
* Rated R - the villain gets the girl.
* Rated X - everyone gets the girl!

Have you ever heard of the Greek hero Bophades?

He was one of the heroes who fought in the Trojan War. His story is similar to the story of Achilles. When he was a child, his mother held him by the groin and dipped him in the river Styx, as to make him invincible in battle. However, just like Achilles, he had a weak spot. Because his mother held ...

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Whoever killed hitler is my hero

Wait a minute

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

Oh sure, when Thor throws a hammer, he's a hero!

But when I do it, I'm "out of control" and "banned from home depot!"

I honestly hate how a person who donates 1 kidney is considered a hero...

I donated 4 and I’m somehow a criminal

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a gunslinger walks into a bar.

Low and behold there sits doc holiday. The gunslinger says you're doc holiday you're my hero. Would you mind critiquing my shooting? Doc says ok ... guy whips his pistol out and shoots the cufflink off the piano player. Doc says pretty good, but a true gunslinger can shoot with both hands. Guy pu...

The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes.

I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

Vladimir Zelenski is a backwards politician.

Most politicians act like heroes to get elected and comedians while in office.

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

Who knew naming a for-profit investment app after an anti-rich hero was just marketing.

I’m astounded, and am immediately switching to one called Mother Theresa.

What do you call a super hero completely made of ice?

Justice

When I donate one kidney, I am applauded as a hero...

When I donate one hundred kidneys, people start asking questions.

Her: You can’t spell Hero without her.

Me: You can’t spell Her without he.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

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Gunfighter

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and tw...

The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house.

I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

Did you hear about the new Marvel hero? He’s a Mexican guy that can clone himself...

I think he’s called Juan Division.

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Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it late...

Is it just me, or does the hero of a-ha's Take On Me video...

...seem kinda sketchy?

If I could be any super hero, I think I'd be Aluminium Man...

My superpower would be foiling crime...

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Science Fiction is "Doctor Who."

But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's "Doctor Whom."

Go to a dog shelter to find a dog, you're a hero.

Go to a women's shelter to find a wife, you're a monster.

My diet plan has finally paid off! I have the body of a super hero now...

I have the body of Thor.

My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a hero with a twisted back story.

What happens if the hero of time gets kidnapped?

He becomes the missing link

My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I was snooping around in my wife's dresser drawers while she was gone over the weekend on a 'business trip' and you won't believe what I found. A whip, a mask and handcuffs! Do you know what this means???" he exclaims to the bartender. "My wife is a super h...

Why are there no vegan DC heroes?

Because they are afraid of rotten tomatoes.

Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild cr...

A hero made of dough wasn't the hero we wanted...

He was the hero we kneaded.

What do you get when you add a line between heroes?

Herpes

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I look up to my grandfather as a national hero

He did many great thing, he was a soldier in ww1 and even killed hitler in ww2.

Anti-vaxxers are heroes

They prevent diseases from going extinct.

The internet is so full of people making up fake stories for fake internet points that no one is giving any credit to the real heroes anymore...

Like me, who just yesterday beat up a volcano

How can we call Buzz Aldren a hero?

When he *literally* turned his back on the world.

Action hero fancy dress ball...

Arnold Schwarznegger, Sly Stallone & Chuck Norris are invited to a ball where they must all go in fancy dress.

They decide to go as classical composers, so they head to the store to buy their costumes for the ball.

When in the store, Sly says: 'I'll dress as Mozart'

Chuck Sa...

When I was a kid I wished my parents where super hero’s

My mom started flying and loved it but it didn’t work on my dad so I thought that it only half worked, weirdly enough I stoped seeing the mail man after that

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Have you heard about the one-armed super hero?

He single handedly stops crime.

The hero

Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you fo...

I don't know why the teen that cracked egg on the Aussie senator's head is hailed as a hero.

He's clearly an eggstremist and we don't condone eggstremism

Have you heard of the new color changing super hero?

Yea, people call him the Hue-Man

What do action heroes do when they die?

They drop kick the bucket.

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In class I was asked who my biggest personal hero is

I replied that the man who killed hitler has to be at the top of everyone's list.

That pig is a hero.

One day two farmers are chatting and farmer 1 notices that farmer 2 has an odd pig.
Farmer 1: "hey why does that pig over there only got three legs?"
Farmer 2: "oh that pig, he's a hero. bout a month ago there was a fire at my house and that pig came in, and pulled my whole family out of the h...

Why didn't the hero get the girl?

She had a speech disorder.

What is a hero's favorite thing to add to a drink?

Just-ice!

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A marine hero gets back home and the president grants him one wish for his effort

The president said that he would fulfill any wish the hero marine asked for.
"I want 50$ for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls"- said the marine.
The president, a bit surprised, accepted.
They started measuring him and saw that he has no balls.
"Where are your balls?"- they...

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.



PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.

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Our hero sits down at the bar next to a beautiful woman.

He: May I buy you a drink?

She: Sure, thanks!

...after sipping at their drinks for a bit...

He: Can I smell your pussy?

She: You most certainly cannot!!

He: Oh. Then it must be your feet.

My mom said I was named after my grandfather—a war hero who died in Korea.

Of course I was named after him, I was born like 80 years after him.

Who was the dad’s favorite comic book hero?

The Pun-isher.

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Hitler was a hero...

He single handedly ended the Holocaust, and killed one of the most evil people from history!

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

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