This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young private is on sentry duty one night in the guardhouse when the telephone rings

"ARE THERE MANY CARS ON THE OFFICER'S CAR PARK?" a voice bellows down the line?

The private looks at the car park and replies "Only that fat bastard General Jackson's car"

"DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?" the voice shouts. "THIS IS GENERAL JACKSON!"

"And do you know who you'...

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered.

She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty...

The guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying.

"I can't believe I've worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again! Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can't do this anymore" The guard said to himself as he continued to sob.

The burglar c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ten Lines to Get You Out of Jury Duty

1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.

2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.

3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him

4. I think laws are for sissies.

5. Would I have to bathe?

6. Can each of my personalities vote in t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is alone in an airport lounge.

A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He lean...

What do you say to a banana on guard duty?

Keep your eyes peeled.

An off duty soldier took a train.

When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.

When the train reach its third stop, ...

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

A police officer, was scheduled for all-night duty at the station...

... he was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said "Honey, would you go down to the all-nigh...

My friend calls me James Bonds while I play Call Of Duty....

0 - Kills

0 - Assists

7 - Deaths

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fall of Duty

I get why the main story of a video game is called the campaign. It promises everything in the advertisements, takes money up front, and within the first 40 hours I'm ready to replace it

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days.

But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out.

Private Jones’ mother has died.

A Captain calls in the Sergeant. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother has died. Better go tell him and send him to see me.”

The Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men!” he says. “Johnson, step out and report to the mess...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One snowy day in Washington, Trump screams for the Secret Service agents on duty.

The agents rush in.

Trump says, "I looked out the window and saw that someone wrote 'Fuck Trump' with their piss in the snow. Get the crime lab down here immediately and test the urine. I want to know who did it!"

Next day, the lab report comes in" "Urine is Mitch McConnell's. Handwrit...

I think video games like Call of Duty set a terrible example for children.

There's no lag when you shoot someone in real life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle after spending years teaching the natives. Suddenly he realized that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop has been caught doing drugs and masturbating on duty

No name has been given yet but they say he's a high wanking officer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to visit his elderly father in a nursing home.

He's running late, so arrives later than normal. The nurse on duty tells him visiting hours are nearly over but he can sit with his father while she gives him his medication. He agrees and the nurse comes back a few minutes later with a glass of water and three pills. The man eyes the pills curiousl...

A joke I made when I was a kid: Why do cops always smell?

Because they are always on duty!

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment..

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50

My mom got upset at me for mercy killing my brother when we were playing Call of Duty

I don’t understand

He didn’t even struggle when I pressed the pillow over his face

A Call of Duty player doesn't feel well and goes to the Doc

Doctor: What's your favorite map?




Cod player: Terminal

Doctor: What a coincidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

An airport police visits the duty-free store

The police steals a glass of wine.
“You are relieved of your duty!”, says another police.
The police replies, “It’s ok, I’m already duty-free!”

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp ... [long]

A drunk coming from a night club at dawn wandered off the path and trespassed into a military camp.

He was urinating on one of the camp’s flowerbeds when he was arrested and given a punishment to move a pile of some 1000 bricks from a shed to a nearby site on the camp where some construction ...

Rabbi fill in

A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.
The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the pri...

What is Jeffrey Epstein’s favorite killstreak in Call of Duty?

The Predator Missile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old paratrooper joke

the original one (at least the one that I know) is in Hebrew.
The son is joining the army and his father wants him to become a paratrooper just like he did.

He is not in fit and he is afraid of heights, but his father told him that if he won't become one, he won't be allowed to enter his...

In the army they taught us to treat our women with duty and honor

But never get duty honor

What do you call a Call of Duty player's instant rap single?

A Flash-Banger

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hippie enters a bus

(long)
A hippie enters a bus and sees a beautiful nun sitting. He sits next to her and says
- I would like to have sex with you
She shouts at him that she is a servant of God and she could not do that and runs out from the bus.
The bus driver who hear the conversation says to the hippie<...

I bought the new Call of Duty WWII in France.

But for some reason, I can only be a spectator.

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

Why wasn't Thanos picked for jury duty?

Because he makes snappy judgements!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just after my girlfriend had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road
and aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with
him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved. But he heard
a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he did...

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

The new Call of Duty just got released in Iraq

They call it the Sims

Note: this technically a repost

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

Fatherly duty

Two priests are riding together when they come upon a police checkpoint.

The officer walks to the window, and says "Sorry to bother you fellas, we're looking for a couple of child molesters."

They whisper to each other for a moment, and the driver says, "Alright, we'll do it."

A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.

When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”
The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.”

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

I got summoned for jury duty today...

When my name was eventually called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor looked me up and down then immediately dismissed me.

Something about not wanting to risk a "hung jury".

A friend of mine chops down trees, and then hauls away the lumber with a fleet of F-350 Super Duty pickup trucks...

...he's pining for the Fjords.

Why is call of duty infinite warfare set in space?

Because nobody liked it on earth.

A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fi...

My new line of heavy duty adult diapers will be called pangaea pull-ups,

It's for the super-incontinent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's John the mailman's last day on duty.

John has been a mailman for a very long time and the day has finally come where he will deliver the mail for a one last time.

As per usual he goes to the post office to pick up his bag filled with mail and off he goes on that oh so familiar path one last time.

As he stops by the firs...

Seaman Recruit Joe Snuffy has just been assigned to his first duty station on a U-boat...

He speaks with his new section leader, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

SR Snuffy follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between my porn stash and Call of Duty?

One is full of screaming 10 year old boys and the other is Call of Duty.

Call of Duty Servers

Going Dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An metropolitan Police officer gets demoted to Traffic duty in the middle of nowhere...

He’s furious about it. He sits in his car at the side of the highway, mumbling to himself angrily about his demotion, until he finally snaps. He turns on his lights and pulls over the first car that passes him. Slamming his door behind him, he marches up to the car and pounds on the window.
...

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

How many off-duty cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A Brazilian.

In a job interview I said, "Last week I only killed 33 people on Call of Duty. Just last night I killed 72."

"What...does that have to do with anything?" asked the guy.

I said, "Well, you asked me if I value progression."

They should release Call of Duty on iPhone...

Both communities buy the same damn thing every year anyway..

My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

A dying wish

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time when Mary said: “Damn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable without my panties. We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied.

“Just give the dog one sniff...

Kim Jong un would be great at call of duty

If team kills counted twords the "nuke" scorestreak

Did you hear about how realistic Call of Duty: WWII is?

Sledgehammer Games rented servers from the 1940s to replicate WWII as accurately as possible

My friend got jury duty

So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.

Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.
<...

Astronauts are never on-duty

and there isn't a single person on Earth who could convince me otherwise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Help, my wife is missing!!!

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over 170 centermeters tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never ...

Call of Duty servers

That’s the entire joke. What more did you expect?

I heard that ' Call of Duty' has a different name in the Middle East.

They call it "The Sims".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A drunk is stumbling down the street, and approaches a cop on duty

The drunk says, "Officer, I need your help. Somebody stole my car!"

The cops askes, "Where was it when you last saw it?"

The drunk replies, holding a silver key, "right on the end of this key."

The cop chuckles, and says, "Well, you better head down to the station and fill out t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Call of Duty is like the Boy Scouts,

everyone's gay, and there's a lot of camping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vietnam veteran comes back from a tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. his dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck tha...

TIFU While drinking coffee during jury duty.

We were in the jury room deliberating the verdict. I was drinking a coffee, and dumped some packets of sugar into my beverage. Unfortunately a few were actually salt, and I ended up spitting hot coffee all over the woman next to me.

I tried to help clean off her dress, but accidentally hit h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A proctologist decided to take the day off and play Call of Duty, there were lots of newbies in the server.

He rectum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

Call of Duty is the most environmentally friendly video game franchise.

... because each game is made from 90% recycled material.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The King of the Jungle

Everyone knows the Lion is the King of the Jungle, and as the King, is his duty to keep all his subjects in line. Well, one day he hears that the elephants are up to no good, so he starts making his way through the jungle. Occasionally he'll go by some of the other animals and roar out to them to fi...

This guy on Call of Duty said he was going to own me just like he owned my mom last night...

... Joke's on him. I have two dads.

What do they call Jury Duty in Australia?

Didgereedooty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young monk joins a monastery.

The an older monk shows him around, as they visit the Library he says.

"We have a vast collection of books, if we don't have it here, it can be delivered within a day. You can use the library every day, except on Thursday."

Next they go to the kitchen.
"We have a world renowned chef...

"Plagiarism squad reporting for duty sir!"

"Copy that"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

Spiderman, Iron-man and Superman decided to check who has the strongest erection

&nbsp;

Iron-man thinks about Pepper Potts hangs 5-gallon bucket on his shlong and walks 5 yards. Everybody praises him.

&nbsp;


Spiderman thinks about Gwen Stacy hangs 20-gallon ke...

A young man was drafted and sent to medical evaluation

The doctor asked him to read the first five letters on the poster. He quickly replied “What poster?” after which he was relieved of duty.

Unfortunately, as he went to the cinema that night, he was seated right next to the very same doctor. Without hesitation, he tapped the doctor on the shou...

St. Peter was looking down at Earth one Sunday and saw a Baptist minister playing golf

After a bit of investigating, he found the man had asked his lay clergy to conduct that day's service so he could take advantage of good weather. Incensed, St. Peter goes to God to complain.

"Lord, can you believe this? A man who preaches your Word, neglecting his sacred duty so he can golf....

Recently I've been watching videos of people running sideways in Call of Duty...

They're really D-Pressing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler has never touched Call of Duty...

...and yet, he still has a better KDR than me.

What do you call a dog playing an FPS game?

*Collie* of Duty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Serial killer in my town has a weird fetish

I had to serve jury duty for this fucker. I just need to get it off my chest, it's a little disturbing...

He carved peoples eyes out. Right out of the sockets, and then fucks the hole. Used the blood as lube. He did it hundreds of times. For some reason he had a specific target that really t...

Whenever I get jury duty, I never make it through jury selection

After all, no one wants a hung jury

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does hitler say when he kills someone in call of duty?

Get reiched!

Tired of his parent's incessant harangue a very lazy young man went for fishing to add some fishes in their menu.

While sitting for fishing he felt very sleepy and was yawning. An old timer saw his lackadaisical approach and poked him, "Son, why are you working so hard? Just go to home and take a nap. It won't be hard for you I guess." The young man replied, "No. I have to catch some fish. But it seems very har...

Why was Jesus so bad at Call of Duty?

Because whenever he died, it would take him 3 days to respawn.

French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.