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Rolex Jokes

My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs

I bought two Rottweilers and named them Rolex and Omega

They're watch dogs...

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I paid a homeless man $1 for this joke.

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. First man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

"You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I'm a lawyer, I'm going to sue you for everything you have!"

Other man responds, "You Lawyers only care about money, you don't even realize you j...

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For my birthday, my girlfriend said I could either have a Rolex or a threesome.

Both sound cool in theory, but a Rolex is expensive and there's no way I would be able to please 2 women when I can barely last 30 seconds with my girlfriend. I'd get too nervous. But at the same time my girlfriend's best friend Aimee is really fucking hot.

After my birthday dinner my girlfr...

The Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. ...

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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would ...

What does my Rolex have in common with David Beckham?

They both come in a Posh box.

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

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A lawyer parks his sportscar on the side of a busy road. As soon as he opens the door to get out, BOOOM, an eighteen wheeler takes the driver side door clean off.

The lawyer gets out, sees the damage and immediately starts cursing the world "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!! I JUST PAID THEIS BITCH OFF!!! TOP OF THE LINE EVERYTHING, AND NOW IT IS RUINED!!!!! WHY GOD, WHY ME!?!?!?!" As he continues on his tirade, a bike cop pulls up, and says the the lawyer, "you ...

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I lost my Rolex at a party once...

...An hour later i saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing women at the party. Infuriated, i immediatly went over, puched him in the face and broke his nose.

No one does that to a women, not on my watch!

An Italian father wants to give his son a gun for his 18th birthday

"As is tradition in Italy, I'm going to give you a gun for your 18th birthday." The father says.

"But I don't want a gun. What about a nice watch? I would really like a watch, like a Rolex or something." The son replies.

"Son..." The father sighs, "This is an Italian tradition. You're ...

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

If Rolex had an app on PC what would be Its file name?

Rol.exe



Sorry for the trash pun, thought about it while walking in front of rolex

I should never have given my real email address to Rolex.

Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."

The lawyer says, "How DARE you call ...

I was dropping my kids off at school when I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children."

I'm going to miss them, but man this is a nice Rolex.

My best friend Emily and her girlfriend Sarah gifted me a Rolex.

Really appreciate the present but not what I meant when I said I wanna watch

The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.

One cop walked into a bar...and a bee sat on his recently bought Rolex

What did the man say?


"Not on my watch, honey"

Did you hear about the guy who got stabbed over a Rolex?

It was for the watch

My neighbors got me a gold Rolex...

My neighbors got me a gold Rolex for Christmas. I don't think they understood when I said I wanna watch.

Just heard it while watching the Yogscast, sorry if it has been posted before.

Canine Names

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the second ...

Why did Jon Snow go to the Rolex store?

For the watch

I just drew a sketch of myself wearing a rolex in front of a giant mansion with a bunch of lambos all around me

So on paper I'm a millionaire.

I bought a Rolex before trying & failing at stand up comedy.

Apparently you need more than impeccable timing.

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

I recently bought a new Rolex and my son dropped it and broke it. Anyway,I am having a giveaway

The kid is 9 years old, tall and cute.

Walking along the street with my friends I realised he was about to stand on a rolex that somebody had obviously lost.

"Watch! Where you're stepping!" I shouted.

I traded five of my rolex wathces for a ballon animal...

It really was a waste of time.

(Sorry for any bad english and what not, nord typing)

A lawyer is driving his Ferrari...

...when suddenly he loses control and drives straight into a tree. A few moments later, another man pulls up beside him and asks him if he is alright.

"My Ferrari!" Cries the lawyer, "Its gone!"

The man says to him, "You're so focused on your supercar that you haven't noticed that your...

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.


"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid...

I just donated the contents of my wallet, my iPhone X, and my $10,000 Rolex watch to some poor guy living on the streets.

You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he put his gun back into his pocket.

A lawyer opens his car door on the side of the road

as a car flies past and takes off his door. Stunned, he quickly looks around and spots a police officer nearby. "Officer, you saw that guy just hit my brand new Porsche, you have to do something!" The officer can't believe what he is seeing and shakily replies, "Sir, how can you lawyers be so materi...

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

K-9 Names

Working in the city we work hand in hand with the city police.
So the other day I saw the Sergeant walking 2 new K-9s. I asked her their names and she points to 1 and says this is Rolex and this pointing to the other dog is Timex.
Now I thought that was strange so I said don’t you think that’s...

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My favourite joke :)

A guy driving a nice new Mercedes parks along the side of a road and opens the door but a car drives by at the same time and rips the door off the car before coming to a stop.

The Mercedes driver runs up to the car and starts yelling at the driver: ‘look at what you’ve done to my brand new M...

Material Guy

A guy crashes his new sports car and when the police arrive, he is crying “Oh my god, my gorgeous Ferrari!”

The police officer tells him that material possessions are the least of his troubles, considering his left arm was severed as well.

The guy looks down where his arm used to be ...

There was once a tailor in London renowned for his expertise and craftsmanship.

One day, a very rich, very round man entered his store carrying a heavy bag. The man immediately approached the counter and, much to the surprise of the tailor, dumped out the contents of the bag, which turned out to be a pile of expensive Rolex watches.

“Good sir, I would like to have a suit...

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I watched a film last night which was basically about a guy who's attracted to watches. It follows he's struggle to fight he's sexual urges towards timepieces but in the end he sleeps with a rolex.

Its about fucking time

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Mary comes home to tell her father she is a prostitute

A staunch catholic - he is outraged.

Father: "How can you do this to your mother and I! After how we raised you, took you to chapel and taught you to live by the ways of the Lord! What in heavens name will the rest of the family think of you? Think of us!?

No, I won't have it, you'l...

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

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A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed ye...

An old Mob boss is on his deathbed.

He requests to see his 24 year old Grandson. He tells him, "Here grandson I want you to have this gun so you can remember me." The grandson not impressed says, "I don't care much for your gun although I love your beautiful Rolex watch grandpa."

Mob boss responds, "No child you need to listen....

Another Lawyer Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and ...

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

As a hedge-fund manager gets out of his brand-new Audi, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door.

“My Audi! My beautiful silver Audi is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund ma...

A lawyer goes to attend a function in his BMW.

On reaching there, he meets a friend and starts talking, his car parked nearby. A car suddenly comes crashing into his BMW, nearly taking a door off. The lawyer, howls at the top of his lungs, "LOOK WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO MY BEAMER!!" His friend remarks, "You lawyers are so pathetically materialisti...

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

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A man walks by a school...

As he reaches the end of the building he noticed the kindergarten play pen and a sign reading 'Watch for Children'. He immediately walks over to the kindergarten play pen and called over the nearest Teacher. Out of his pocket the man pulls out one Timex and two Rolexes and exclaims "I'll take those ...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

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