Responsible Jokes - 58 Hilarious Responsible Jokes

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My grandad was responsible for bringing down several Nazi planes during WW2.

The Luftwaffe said he was the worst mechanic they ever employed.

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible"

"Well I'm your man" I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible"

The man responsible for maintaining Autocorrect recently passed away

May he rest in pewxe.

I went for the job interview and the interviewer said they are looking for somebody who is responsible....

I said 'I'm your guy!'

They asked why...

'Well at my old job if something went wrong, something went missing or somebody got hurt, they always said I was responsible'

There were tons of reddit admins responsible for today's commotion.

But not many of them.

A recruiter said to a candidate, "In this job, we need someone who is responsible"

The job applicant replies,

"I" am the one you want. In my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible. XD

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

Husbands are always responsible!

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, "The cat just died." She burst into tears and said, "How could you be ...

My boss just called me to tell me I’m responsible for the collapse of another bank.

I said “What? How can that be possible. I don’t even work in finance. I’m a builder”

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I figured out who is responsible for all the penis drawings in the bathroom stalls

It was Dick Tracey

What do you call the guy who's responsible for the seating arrangement for the disinterested?

Chair man of the bored.

What if aliens are responsible for global warming?

And this is just their way of breaking the ice.

An employee at the local grocery store was primarily responsible for keeping frozen goods well stocked.

At first, he only had a few items to manage, such as bagged ice, frozen pizza, and ice cream. However, as time went by, he found that his daily "to do" list from management was getting longer and longer, sometimes even including things outside the frozen section. At his breaking point, he went to hi...

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents

Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.

Responsible Bee

What do you call the bee that has to take responsibility for the rest of the bees at the end of the night?

Designated drHiver

A: Are you the one responsible for using word contractions inappropriately?

B: I'm.

How did the DJ threaten his unruly apprentice who was responsible for all of the electronic beats

He threatened him with real percussions

My great-grandad was personally responsible for bringing down over 30 German aircraft in WW2.

All the other mechanics in the Luftwaffe never really liked him though.

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Who's responsible for fucking our nation up the ass?

Analysts!

Who was responsible for Christianity really taking off?

Pontious Pilate

What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?

They don’t give shots to babies.

My grandpa died from a heart attack over the summer and I feel at least partially responsible.

He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available. I suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.

But if it wasn't for me, during the heatwave back in August he never ...

I'm responsible

I am the most responsible person you can have: if anything goes wrong, everyone says I'm responsible.

Did you know that a fungus is responsible for rodents' high pitched noises ?

It's called mice-helium.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

What is the most fiscally responsible religion?

Christianity... because Jesus saves

What's the most responsible makeup you can apply during the pandemic?

Mask-era.

I'm a Responsible Gun Owner.

I did the right thing and got my gun neutered. Now it just fires blanks.

What fundamental particle is responsible for bacon?

The Piggs-Boson

Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...

At least act like you've been there before.

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The principal at my school called me in to his office today. He said "I've just had a rock thrown through my window, are you responsible?"

No, I'm irresponsible. That's why I threw it.

The only person responsible for dandruff prevention is you.

It falls on your shoulders.

Totally Responsible

A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.

After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new...

A wise man once said “Life becomes much more peaceful when you realize you are not responsible for the projections of others.”

…the movie theater manager then proceeded to reconsider his career.

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my sal...

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I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

The Wright Brothers were partially responsible for 9/11,

so I guess two Wrights made a Wrong...

My anti-vaxxer and conspiracy theorist grandpa thinks that Corona is responsible the Coronavirus.

And he wants me to make Corona send an apology and compensation to all Americans.

Since he is also against emails and online communication, he has been telling me to make “Corona wire us”.

The reason women are responsible for more accidents at intersections....

must be because they don't have as much experience pulling out as men do.

(OC I think? Thought it up when a woman pulled out right in front of me today, and then had a stupid "what did I do wrong" look on her face when I honked at her for it.)

Where do responsible parents send children with ADHD over the summer?

Concentration Camps

TIL Columbus was responsible for the extinction of the Taíno people

Which is weird, because I haven't even heard of them.

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

What do you call a prison guard who is responsible for a high profile inmate?

Asleep apparently.

Thanos wasn't completely responsible for all the deaths caused by the Infinity Gauntlet...

But he had a hand in it.

Always remember that other people aren't responsible for your happiness.

They're responsible for your unhappiness.

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I heard a Jew was responsible for the sinking of the Titanic

Some guy named Iceberg

Men who don't use condoms are more responsible than ones that do.

They have a baby to take care of.

Whenever a job interviewer asks what my strongest trait is, I tell them I’m responsible.

Because at my old job whenever something bad happened my coworkers would always say, “Eric is responsible.”

People wear masks that cover o my half their faces in the bank and they are “responsible” ...

But I wear a full-face mask in the bank and suddenly I’m “dangerous” and “a criminal”?

The Hypocrisy!

In a doctors office

Woman: “Doctor, how is he? Any news?”

Doctor: “Well the important thing is, he’s going to be fine.”

Woman: “Oh thank God!”

Doctor: “But, you must prepare yourself, the head trauma he sustained has had certain effects on his personality.

Woman: “Oh no!”
...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

Last night I had a dream that I was responsible for culling half the living population on Earth.

Then I snapped out of it.

I got drunk last night wnd decided to be a responsible adult and take a bus home.

It was awesome, never drove a bus drunk before.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, would you do it?

i wouldn't, why the frick would anyone ever kick himself in the nuts?

On the holidays I got quite drunk and being responsible decided to take a taxi home

It's still in my backyard what do you guys think I should do with it?

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