UPJOKE
useserviceusefulnessusabilityusefulhelpfulnessfunctionsubstituteeconomicsutility-gradepublic utilityservice programutility programsecondaryinferior

Utility Jokes

What do you call a woman throwing her utility bills in a fire?

Bernadette

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

Two electricians are standing on a ladder leaned against a utility pole...

...when an elderly lady was passing below them. One of the electricians calls her.

\- Excuse me, ma'm! Could you pass us that wire, so we don't have to climb down?

\- This one, young man?

\- Yes, that one! Thank you so much, ma'm, you're very kind!

\- No problem, dear!...

I suggested an awesome product name and slogan for marketers of a data file decompression utility, but they wouldn't take me up on it.

The company's stupid focus groups thought it was inappropriate.

I mean, come on, what's wrong with:

"SIGH unzips"?

I invented a utility belt that holds one type of spice.

Everyone told me it was a waist of thyme.

What is a rabbi's favourite Windows utility?

Snipping tool.

What do you call a utility knife that doesn't work?

A futility knife.

A lady at work keeps setting fire to her utility bills..

...I said to her "you need to stop doing that Bernadette!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nun and the blind man.

A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock on the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”
A man replies, “It’s the blind man!”
Thinking, oh he’s blind what harm could it do she then responds “Come in.”
A man comes through the door with a utility belt around his waist and tape measure in hand. He loo...

A homage to the puerto rico contract awarded to minor utility company makong the news today : 3 contractors bid for government work

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh, another from Pakistan and the third from China.

They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some meas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young men hit on a hot woman at a club.

After a few drinks and a lot of small talk, she brings them back to her place and says she's going to change into something more comfortable. When she reappears, she's wearing a skintight leather suit.

"You boys want to know what I do for fun?" she asks, a malicious grin creeping across her f...

With great power...

comes great utility bills.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you drive with one hand

Woman driver suffering from a cold has the heating on full blast. She stops to pick up a young beautiful hitchhiker.

After a while, the blonde starts to feel too hot, so asks for permission to remove an item of clothing.

The driver is now half focused on the road and half on the blond...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two economists

Two economists are walking down the street and pass by a pile of dog shit. One of them (a sadist) turns to the other and says "I'll pay you $1000 if you eat that dog shit".

The other performs an internal utility calculation and eats the dog shit.

Continuing their walk, the second econo...

What kind of pictures does Shaun Connery take?

Shelfies






alt. What kind of pictures do fish take?


Shellfies





alt. What do hermit crabs call their utility bills?


Shell Fees






alt. Why did my wife leave me?


I cheated on her


alt. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How ma...

As told by my father in-law

(Translated into English) There was once a poor village that was behind the times. They lacked many modern facilities including electricity. They had as many stray dogs as people. Then one day the electrical utility company announced that they will be bringing electricity and poles into the village....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple in an old folks home

There was a social night planned at an old folks home. There was dancing, a punch bowl, snacks, etc... It was a pretty tame event.

Two of the residents, an elderly man and elderly woman were bored and decided that they needed more excitement so they snuck off to a utility closet so they could...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny rushes home from school.

He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There’s no one to play with." Trying to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw someone post this on Facebook. Got a kick out of it.

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-re...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.