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Influence Jokes

What's the difference between a social media influencer and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major needed a degree to be useless.

Did you hear about the influencer who became a suicide bomber?

At first he had barely any followers, but then he blew up.

How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?

By checking how they pronounce the word “bios”

Why don't influencer work in nuclear plants.

Because they get paid just in exposure.

What’s the unit of measure for social influence?

Instagrams

Ah, “Instagram influencers”...

...I remember back when they were simply called hookers

What did the tulip farmer tell the social influencers who had trespassed to take pics?

I'm a grower not a shower.

Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

What do pimples and social media influencers have in common?

They both start off small, randomly grow huge, explode, then leave a nasty scar until one day we forget they were ever there.

That's all guys, bye.

How much does an Influencer weigh?

An Instagram.

Have you heard of Cardi B’s sister, fitness influencer?

Her name is Cardi O

The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia.

He believed nobody was following him.

whats the difference between a social media influencer and a bench??

one can support a family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bus full of influencers driving off a cliff ?

A good fucking start

I just heard about IG influencers stripping down at Chernobyl

I guess they really want exposure.

What do social media Influencers and perverts have in common?

They both think people want their exposure.

What’s the difference between Influencer and Influenza?

One wants to go viral, the other is already viral…

Why did the influencer terrorist get arrested?

Because his tick tock blew up…

A judge calls opposing council into his chambers . . .

. . . and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".

The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.

"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given ...

Linkedin influencers

No body:

LinkedIn Influencers:

Yesterday I was walking to an interview. There was a starving dog on the road. I stopped to feed him & missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised, but I went. Then the interviewer came in. H...

How many influencers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to unscrew it and the other to put it in their mouth and see if they can pull it out.

Why is Guardiola such a positive influence on teams?

Because all his talks are pep talks!

People are forever going on about how video games are an unhealthy influence on the young.

But I grew up in the 1980s when all we had was Pacman and it's not like we spent all our time running around in the dark munching pills to weird repetitive music!

Three Instagram influencers walk into a bar...

...I know this because I just saw their story.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Computer games are said to be a bad influence on kids.

Nonsense - my generation grew up playing Pac-Man, but did we end up dashing around dark rooms and swallowing white dots while listening to electronic music?

Why are influencers afraid when they go to the woods alone at night?

They're constantly being followed!

Alcohol Influences

If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?

What do you call an influencer with the corona virus...

An influenzer
But only if it goes viral...

An Instagram influencer walks into a bar

They were too busy taking selfies.

What is the weight of an influencer's brain?

One Instagram.

I hear The Beatles influenced the COVID19 treatment policy at Italian hospitals...

Live... Let Die... Live... Let Die...

Why do influencers always carry a pencil?

To draw attention

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife says I'm a bad influence on our son

The bitch must've forgotten I taught him his Ace, Two, Threes

Turns out that Roy Moore is having a bad influence on weather in Alabama.

The temperatures are flirting with the teens this week.

I've struggled for years to be above the influence...

But I've never been able to get that high

As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder...

Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*

What do you call an overweight bounty droid who moonlights as an Instagram influencer?

An IG unit.

Someone people are good-looking enough for others to assume they must be an IG influencer...

People take one look at me and assume I have reddit.

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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

I before E except after C

We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of t...

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man reads that the subconscious mind is most easily influenced during orgasm...

He tells his wife about it, and they agree to try an experiment.

That night while having sex, just as they are both orgasming, the man whispers into his wife's ear, "You are beautiful."

The next day, the wife remarks that she feels incredibly beautiful.

Success! They decide to ...

I read so much about the bad influences of alcohol and sugar, that I've decided...

...to read less.

Researchers have discovered that diarrhea is influenced by genetics.

Their evidence: It runs in your jeans.

When interviewing the police officers involved in Tiger Woods' arrest, they told how they came to suspect he was under the influence.

"Simple" The officer responded. "It was the straightest drive he's had in years. We knew right away something was up."

Heard about the viral YouTuber booted out of the Flat Earth Society?

They caught him trying to expand his sphere of influence.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

A gentleman had too much alcohol at a party.

He was heading home and was pulled over by a state trooper.


Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to m...

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A man calls his home while on a business trip.

(I translated this joke from my native language so bear with me)

An unfamiliar voice answers the phone.
Man: "Who is this?"
Answer comes, "A am the maid."
Man: "What? there was no maid when i left a couple of days ago."
Maid: "I was hired yesterday and started working just...

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A PR firm is working with a rap artist

They want to clean his image and recover his prestige. No more wild parties, no more driving under influence, no more cheating on his wife. However, it’s difficult to turn a former troublemaker artist into a family man.

“Look, we invested a lot of time and money into this,” says the PR manag...

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Tik tok < pornhub

I met a cute girl at bar recently she told me she was a tik tok influencer,

I said cool I’m on pornhub, maybe we should collab,

either way its only gonna last 10 seconds.

My older son looks exactly like me

\- That's an example of genetic factor.

My younger son looks like my neighbor.

\- That's an example of social influence.

It’s not a dad bod

If you need a male influence in your life and he has a dad bod, don’t call it a dad bod, but more of a....father figure

Why do many people keeping buying Mudéjar art?

Because it is Moor-ish!

>!I realise that this joke is relying on fairly uncommon words like Mudéjar, Moor and moreish - which will reduce how many people will enjoy the joke. But I didn't think that should stop it from being shared. Words explained below!<

>!Mudéjar art: Refer...

There’s been a recent outbreak that’s making Instagrammers sick

They’ve been spreading influence-za

My maths professor got fired last week...

he was caught deriving under the influence.

Social distancing at a nudist colony

Is directly influenced by the tempture.
Warm days, 6'3"
Cold days less

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man who had sex with an instagram model in the reverse cowgirl position while going 90 on the freeway get charged for?

Driving under the influencer.

A drunk driver ran down a drunk pedestrian.

He claims to have driven over the influence of alcohol.

Australians are geniuses.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fu...

Pulled Over

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."...

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less super...

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A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

Mayday Mayday

I need to prove to a French friend that the French language had zero influence on the English language.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the flat-chested college senior so well respected?

Because she was the head of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee.
(their influence and power knows no mounds)

Why do doctors hate popular Instagram accounts that only post in the spring?

Because they're seasonal influencers!

A man gets pulled over for speeding

The police officer walks up to the car and asks the man why he got pulled over.

"Yeah, I was speeding, I always drive a bit faster after I've had a few beers"

The cop was stunned, "you mean to tell me that you were under the influence of alcohol?"

"Yeah I needed something to eas...

A man is pulled over at 2am by a state trooper

State trooper: Hey, where you headed at 2 am sir?

Elderly man: I'm just on my way to hear a lecture about the dangers of drinking and staying out late and smoking marijuana with friends who are a bad influence.

State Trooper: Really? Who's giving that kind of lecture at 2 in the morni...

Have you ever heard the tragedy of Darth Plagueis, the wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life. He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared ab...

I think Instagram made me sick

I got a bad case of influencer

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A generic science major and an english literature major walk into a bar and are asked by a mutual friend how to best evaluate a book.

I just wrote a joke: A generic science major and an english literature major walk into a bar and are asked by a mutual friend how to best evaluate a book.

The generic science major takes a few moments to think, then says, "Well, I would read up on the history of the book, process the literat...

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Mafia man

Gino and Maria were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Gino was a very successful mafia man and was very wealthy and influential. Gino wanted to give something special to his wife for the anniversary.

Gino says to Maria “Maria, I am very successful and wealthy, and to thank you for a...

I went to the bar today and asked the bartender to make me an Orange Cheeto...

"I've never heard of that," he replies.

"Well, nobody really knows what it's made of," I reply, "but I've heard it's heavily influenced by a White Russian."

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

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The sex shop!

A guy opens a sex shop in a conservative area. In the opening day, an old lady walks in and starts yelling at him. She's telling him how wrong it is to open such a shop in this area. She said that this goes against the traditions and how it will influence the community in a bad way.

The owner...

So this is how it ends, huh...

I was arrested for speaking out of line.
I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by ...

A priest and a rabbi

are visiting a local inner-city public school. They do this every few weeks to try and influence some of the kids to come visit one of their churches. It's actually quite nice to see that churches, despite their differences, can work together to try and help out the youth. Sadly, one day a fire burs...

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

A granpda asks his just graduated grandchild

Grandpa: So what will you do for a living now that you earned your bachelor's degree?

Grandchild: I'm a model during the week, I'm a DJ in the weekends and an influencer by contract

Grandpa: I remember when I just graduated I was also unemployed son, be patient

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A mother discusses her son with her husband

"Honey, I think our son got some bad influence at his school... the other day, he was angry to me and called me a 'bitch'!"
The father was angered: "That son of a bitch..."

----

In a later occasion, the mother told the son that his father has grounded him for being a naughty boy: he...

So Adam was lonely.

God asked Adam, "What's wrong?"
Adam replied, "I'm lonely."
So God said, "Adam, I will make you a partner. She will wash and cook and clean for you; she will listen to what you have to say and never interrupt you. She won't nag you about your actions and she will even bear your children. She w...

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