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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

My GF said she was fed up with me acting like a detective.She wanted to split up.

I said,Good Idea,That way we can cover more ground!

I love Rock's acting in all his movies, I wonder where he got his acting skills from...

Oh he was in WWE.

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

My teen daughter is acting really odd.

She can’t even. It’s causing a family divide. We’ve got to figure it out before our problems multiply.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

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Brother’s acting all high and mighty now that he has COVID

Thinks his shit don’t stink

What do you say to a Lady who's acting up while on her period?

Please stop Ovary-acting

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

Yesterday, my wife finally told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

Reluctantly, I had to put my foot down.

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

My first job was as a sign spinner for a peep-show. I was supposed to stand on the corner and attract attention by spinning a sign or acting crazy...

...whatever it took to keep the customers cummin'.

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

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Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

I have so many insecurities but from now im going to start acting like a plant.

Get to the root problems

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friends are acting in a short film about classical pianists and musicians

.

One of friends says, "I'll play Beethoven."

Another says, "I'll be Mozart."

-

In the end, Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

Why did the Kool-Aid man stop acting on Broadway?

He always broke the fourth wall.

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

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Emma Watson decided to quit acting to become a professional gambler. She entered her first craps tournament full of optimism.

At the start of the first round, Emma started undressing. "Why are you undressing?" asked one of her opponents. "I like to play craps completely in the nude," replied Emma.

As soon as Emma had removed the last shred of clothing, she made her bet. Then the dice were rolled. Emma watched as the...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Whats the difference between the mafia and an acting troupe?

When the Mafia says break a leg, they mean someone elses

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird.

He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

A Wife's diary......

Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I sugges...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

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A man had a bowel problem one day and goes to see his proctologist.

"What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor

"Well, ever since the Packers got that bad ref call during yesterday's game, my gut has been acting up"

"Bad ref call?" Replied the doctor, while preparing his instruments. "I was watching that game too, but it didn't look bad at all!"<...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

What do doctors say when they see a patient acting like a monster?

"It's morphine time!"

Why was the tree afraid of acting?

He was afraid he’d dialogue.

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

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Mickey has sued Minnie for divorce. Judge: "Mickey, I cannot grant you a divorce just because Minnie is acting silly."

Mickey: "Your honor, I did not say she was acting silly, I said she was fucking Goofy!"

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The frustrated parents of an acting-out adolescent go to a developmental therapist for advice on how to handle their kid.

"We don't get it, doc," the father begins, "A couple of months ago, she just stopped talking to us."

"Completely locked us out of everything," the mother continues, "We didn't change anything or do anything different, but it's like a switch was flipped, or something."

The therapist, st...

My allergies are acting up and...

The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.

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My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

If you see a deer with out antlers acting crazy dont try to eat it without cooking it first.

Everyone knows you cant eat raw kooky doe.

My ananas is acting weird...

it's gone completely bananas...

The Longer this lock-down carries on the more i find myself acting like a bodybuilder.

Not the actual exercise, More the eating every 2 hours.

I wasn’t doing great in school, I was stressed out and acting up, so the school tried this new technique on me.

It’s called a de-tension.

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