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OnlyFans just announced that they will be getting rid of all porn on their platform on October 1st…

On October 2nd they will announce that they’ll be changing their name to “NoMore Fans”

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.

But Elijah Wood.

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

Even though we're progressing, we really need to get rid of certain races.

Such as the 800 meter dash.

how to get rid of hiccups

Hold your breath for 15 minutes

How do you get rid of fleas?

You talk to them politely,

"Fleas go away"

How do scientists get rid of bodies?

Barium

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?

Because they finally got their quarterback.

Did you hear that in the next fast and the furious movie they’re getting rid of those long fin things on the back of the cars

Ah sorry, spoilers

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”

The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

I'm thinking of buying some Velcro strips for my sneakers, and getting rid of the laces.

I mean, why knot?

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?

Yeah, horses are sad that they’re not getting a square meal.

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Had a raccoon problem in my crawlspace and nothing worked to get rid of them. My neighbor told me to put lutefisk down there and that the rotting odor would keep them away....

A week later a Norwegian family moved in.

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What is the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

<removed>

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

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What’s cold, sore, and you can never get rid of?

Our bitch ass loser president

How can you get rid of the Proud Boys?

Just type alt-right delete.

I had a foot fungus I was going to try to get rid of

But then it really started growing on me.

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles.

I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.

I just thought of a new show to get rid of annoying celebrities.

Whose Lion is it anyway?

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

They finally got rid of the ghost that was haunting my local pub.

I guess he overdid it with the boos

Rich guy is trying to get rid of his wife and asks a friend for advice

\- "Buy her a Mercedes Roadster - she's a bad driver and will surely crash."

He does so and wife totals the car but gets out without a scratch.

\- "Buy her a BWM M3"

She indeed crashes a few days later, but again without a scratch.

\- "Buy a Jaguar"

Two days later ...

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

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So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box

They are keeping the land though

Imagine getting rid of COVID 19..

and then China releases COVID 20 Pro Max

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

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I have noticed one thing during this lock down and I am getting rid of Google and Wikipedia.

My wife knows fucking everything.

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

I finally got rid of 100 lbs last year!

She took the dog though.

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone

Now it's Hans-Free

I used to feel guilty about getting rid of old shoes until I realised they were going to a better place.

It turns out that shoes have soles.

My wife said if I don't get rid of all my Sonic merchandise, she's going to leave me. Taking all offers.

It's gotta go fast.

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

My wife always has a headache when I come home from work. I asked her if I could help her get rid of it.

She said, “Yes, leave the room.”

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

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LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender.

Spread the word.

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

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Me: I got rid of my fear of ghosts

Therapist: Thats the spirit
Me: Oh fuck, where

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

After Arnold Schwarzeneggar got old, he made a hobby of getting rid of household pets.

He's the ex terminator.

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

As soon as all the wheels are replaced, my local police department is getting rid of a bunch of old squad cars they aren't using.

They're being retired

Got rid of all mirrors off my car last week

Haven’t looked back since

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

My girlfriend went to the hair salon and got rid of four inches

She got her hair colored and then dumped me.

What's the no. 1 way to get rid of a movie?

Death by a thousand cuts

I’ve been looking to get rid of some male geese.

Would you like to take a gander?

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

If the US got rid of pennies

it would be a decent country

My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels

but I say it's a waste of Tim.

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

Nobody believes me when I tell them I had a splinter when touring Spain and a playful little kid helped get rid of it.

Nobody expects the Spanish imp incision.

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A man decides to get rid of the cat who keep crappin in his shoes...

So he takes the cat to the local park, releases him in the bushes and goes home.

Upon coming home, his wife tells him the cat's back and sleepin on the couch.

The man is shocked but determined to get rid of the cat, he drives the cat into the forest and walks deep into the woods and re...

Need to get rid of some of your junk?

Pack it up in Amazon boxes and leave it on your front porch.

EA is Officially Getting Rid of Micro-Transactions!!

And replacing them with macro-transactions.

I used to date an opera singer, but I had to get rid of her...

She was all "Mi, mi, mi..."

I don't understand all the fuss about getting rid of guns in America. Just do what Steven Speilberg did.

Replace all the guns with walkie-talkies. Not that hard!

How do you get rid of crabs?

You go to the movie theatre and feed them popcorn, when they get up to go get a sip of water you move seats.

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How to get rid of a tape worm

This guy went to the doctor and complained of having a tape worm. The doctor said, "I'm going to put you on a strict diet of 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for every meal. Come back in a week."

So that night the guy had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for dinner. The next day for...

How can we get rid of the Electoral College?

Put Jane Sanders in charge of it.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

Why did REO Speedwagon have to get rid of their aggressive pet cat?

They couldn't fight this feline anymore.

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My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.

I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears.

My dad is always embarrassed about cutting himself while getting rid of his beard, so he locks himself in the bathroom...

I guess he’s just trying to shave face

What do you do to get rid of an obese demon?

You exorcise him.

How do you get rid of Al-Qaeda?

Give the goats STD's

They've finally figured out how to get rid of BDSM

The clampdown starts this week

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The heroin worked a treat for me.

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How do you get rid of the butterflies in your stomach?

Stop eating caterpillars.

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

I don't understand why Windex didn't get rid of my computer virus.

I was told it's great at disinfecting Windows!

[body shape - help request] M, 18, struggling to get rid of a body fit for a 46 year old...

Seriously guys, do I cut it up or just bury it whole?

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.

The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the m...

My girlfriend is so scared of spiders that she removes herself from the house until I get rid of them.

I've been living alone and peacefully for six hours now.

My Asian girlfriend told me that if I wanted us to stay together I needed to get rid of my dog

It was a no Nguyen situation.

I can’t bring myself to get rid of my broken grandfather clock...

It’s such a timeless piece.

Tommy bought a pack of 3 dice. He got rid of one. Why?

Because he wanted 2 die.

Why is it so hard to get rid of a hippie?

When you ask them if they want to go home, they usually say "Namaste"

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