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Proven Jokes

The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.

When thrown at a close-range, especially.

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

Vegans proven wrong again

If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?

Check mate vegans

I was proven not guilty for allegedly stealing kitchen utensils, mostly colanders.

There were too many holes in the evidence

It’s statistically proven that having a ladder in your home is more dangerous than a loaded gun

that’s why I have 12 guns in case some maniac tries to sneak a ladder in here

It has been scientifically proven that birthdays are good for your health....

The more of them you have, the longer you live!

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

What do you call Alternative Medicine that is proven to work?

Medicine!

As proven by the scriptures, Jesus was a top.

1. He had twelve guys hanging off his every word and deed
2. The only time he got nailed he needed three days to recover.

TIL: There is a proven way to stop your bacon from curling in your frying pan.

Take away their little brooms and rocks.

COVID-19 deaths have proven one thing

Americans strive to be number one in everything!

"When was it proven that the universe is predeterministic?"

"Tomorrow"

If Facebook has proven one thing in 2020

it’s that Black likes matter.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy.

Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

It's been scientifically proven ants can't get Covid-19

They have little antibodies

It's been proven that vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism

because the ones that aren't vaccinated are dead

It has been proven that Greta Thunberg is making a real difference to climate change

Every time she comes on the TV approximately 1 million people switch it off

It has been proven that people who talk to themselves are smarter.

At least, that's what I tell myself.

What does the geometrist say when he's proven wrong?

"You're right, I guess I never considered that angle"

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Have cryptozoologists ever proven the existence of a mythical creature?

Not yeti.

It's been scientifically proven that John Lennon did some much LSD in the 60s.....

That he fell in love with Yoko Ono.

It has been proven that more Americans watch television

than any other appliance.

This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator”

I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

It has been proven that anti vaxers have a lower chance of autism

Unfortunately the main side effect is death

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

After all of these years, scientist have finally proven that diarrhea is hereditary..

It's in your jeans.

It is a proven Scientific fact, that things expand when under immense heat...

I'm not fat, I'm really hot

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Did you know there's a food that's scientifically proven to kill a woman's sex drive?

Wedding Cake.

"It was recently proven that 80% of people will believe any statistic they read online."

-Abraham Lincoln

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Remember when we all thought that 2016 was bad and the worst it could ever get? Man, this year has proven that wrong.

I guess that's why hindsight is 2020.

Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant

Their legs

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

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Did you know? In Marseille, they actually give you a certificate with every souvenir you buy, as a means of demonstrating that it's a genuine product of southern France.

It's proven Provence province provenance.

Just as my teachers said, math has proven useful in my everyday life.

For example, yesterday I dropped my keys into a toilet and made an integral out of wire.

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who .....

"It's been proven that 9 out of 10 single women who sit at home and have conversations with their cats are mentally disturbed."
My dog's full of useful information like that.

did you know cyan is the best colour?

it's cyantifically proven.

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Science has proven that everyone thinks about David Hasselhoff at least once while they masturbate.

Don't believe me? Just wait until later.

I have a proven strategy to walk out of any casino with a small fortune and it works 100% of the time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune

Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA..

Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out

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This food has been proven to drastically reduce or even eliminate sex drive in a significant percentage of women.

It's wedding cake.

Two boys were doing an exam.

First boy entered, and the teacher asked him:

"Who was the first Black president of USA?"

"Barack Obama."

"When did World War II begin?"

"1939."

"Do aliens exist?"

"It isn't scientifically proven."

The boy exists with good result and says to the other...

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TIL that my Head & Shoulders shampoo's proven HydraZinc formula fights dandruff from the first wash, removing visible flakes and residues, relieving dryness and tight scalp, and leaving my hair smelling great.

I also learned not to forget my phone when I take a shit

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Old Russian joke: One day the bear escaped from the zoo

One day the bear escaped from the zoo and climbed a tree in a residential area. Same day lonely old lady came out in the morning for milk, saw the bear and called the zoo. Half an hour later a rusty old van drove to her house. Hefty bearded man with a shotgun got out of the van followed by little wh...

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news....

The good news is that we've definitely proven you're not a hypochondriac.

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A white man goes to his Doctor and asks how he can make his penis as large as a black man's penis.

His Doctor tells him to take a 1lb weight and tie a string to it and attach that to the head of his penis. A proven method of stretching the Doc assures him and tells him to report back in a week's time.

Man visits his Doc a week later and the Doc says let us have a look. Guy drops his trou...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel

In the middle of the night, the hotel catches fire. The engineer wakes up, sees the fire in his room, turns on every faucet in his room to flood the place. He says to himself, "ok I've put out the fire," and he goes back to bed.

The physicist wakes up and sees the fire. He makes some assumpti...

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

The optimistic pessimist.

The reason I'm a pessimist is I'm either right or delightfully proven wrong.

What does YouTube and the US Police have in common?

They take people down before they're proven innocent.

How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.

Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

Dr. Anthony Fauci Proves his Manhood

It's 2020, the pandemic is raging, and the White House is not happy with what Dr. Fauci has been saying on certain news stations. The argument has devolved from being fact-based to Trump calling Fauci's manhood into question. After getting wind of what the Oval Office has been calling him, Fauci r...

Unlike Buzzfeed.......

Which is complete trash, Reddit has proven time and time again to be the more environmentally friendly website as we recycle 90% of our own content.

WARNING: Men should avoid drinking beer

Beer contains phytoestrogens that increase the female hormone estrogen in men, lowering their testosterone levels.

In fact it has been proven that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

In a study 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed th...

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

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Three couples are trying to join a very conservative church

After going through all of the night classes, Bible lectures, and vows, the minister says they have one final test: they must abstain from relations for one week. All of them agree and go on their way.

When they return, the minister asks them how they did.

The first couple is in their...

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

At one point in time...

we thought atoms represented the smallest unit of matter. Although initially thought to be indivisible, this was proven false and each atom is made up of proton, neutrons, and electrons inside.

For a time these were the smallest units, then we found that these protons and neutrons were made u...

A lot of people think Sigmund Frued is a hack.

And yes, some of his theories were proven wrong but the work he did made the field of psychology so famous he should never be forgotten. They just go hand in hand, you cant have one without the mother,

Did you hear that "I before E except after C" rule is obsolete?

It's been proven wrong by science.

As an American citizen, I'm proud to say that our Country always strives to overcome difficulties and rise up as the #1 nation in the world...

and today we have proven that we are still very capable of this! We just beat China at their own game and are now #1 across the world for infected individuals with COVID-19!

Finally realized why Americans are addicted to fried foods

They're one of the world's most well-known locations of proven oil reserves

Don't dismiss homeopathy.

It has been proven to reduce swelling of the wallet.

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Guy goes to his doctor complaining of ongoing pain in his elbow.

The doc hands him a cup and instructs his patient to go home and pee in the cup as soon as he wakes up and before he does anything else. The patient looks doubtful and says he can't be serious, and that there's no way he can diagnose his issue just by peeing in a cup. Doc says it is a new method tha...

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The Bullfrog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

Well, said the clerk, I have a very large bullfrog. The...

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer and an accountant were all up for a job interview

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant were all up for a job interview:

The mathematician was called in and asked as part of the interview, “What is 1+1?” The mathematician gets his calculator out and does the calculation and says “2.”

The engineer is then asked the ...

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The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

I'm weak at maths but that doesn't bother me

Because my friend told me it's statistically proven 4 out of 3 people struggle with maths.

the weather app on my android tablet tells me it's sunny outside....

.... and it's the same on my Iphone, but if i look out of my window i can totally see it's raining.
Oh my god, I think i've just proven the superiority of windows over Android and Ios.

The last words of an electrician

"Yeah you can turn it on, it is proven."

Why was the guy from 127 Hours arrested for espionage?

He was proven guilty of providing arms to Iraq

Why was the killer's watch arrested?

Because it was proven to be accessory to murder.

People have been on the hunt for sasquatch for some time now.

Finding one has proven to be no small feat.

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of manager of a large division...

He quickly devised a test for choosing the most suitable candidate. He simply asked each applicant this question, "What is two plus two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was, "Twenty-two".

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm v...

A lawyer, an engineer and an accountant are applying for a job

at the job interview, they each get asked the same simple question, and are told to justify their answer. The question is, "what is two plus two?"

The lawyer takes out his briefcase and produces the 1978 docket wherein the case of Casey vs the State, two plus two was proven to be four.
...

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Cigarette companies are now being forced to show pictures of mouth cancer on their labels.

Considering the fact that Processed meat has also been proven to cause Colorectal cancer. I think in the spirit of fairness Hotdog packaging should include pictures of Anal cancer.

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As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

A man and a woman get admitted to a psych ward at the same time...

They always hang around together, wordlessly, just holding each other's hands and everyone assumes they're in love. One beautiful evening the man and the woman take a walk to the pool and the man lets go of the woman's hand and jumps into the pool, she jumps into the pool and saves him heroically wh...

Two guys in a insane asylum...

There are two guys in an insane asylum,one is name John and the other is name Matt. John was going for a swim in the pool and begins to drown and Matt jumps in to save him. Matt gets John out of the water and the orderlies take John back to his room. Later that day the head nurse comes up to Matt an...

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While playing in my local basketball rec league, I once thought that my next game would be against the Boston Celtics.

I was proven wrong once the game started and I got a good look at the opponents. They wore grey instead of green. Likewise, Kemba Walker, Jayson Tatum, Gordon Hayward, and Jaylen Brown were nowhere to be found.

Instead, I found myself face-to-face with a bunch of stinky, over-weight neckbea...

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The farmers daughter

Three guys were hiking the Appalachian trail, when a severe thunderstorm drove them to a nearby farm to seek shelter.

The farmer welcomed them in, saying: "This is my farm, and my rules. You will all three stay in the guest room, but don't you lay a hand on my daughters."

Before going...

Guy walks into a bar.

Guy walks into a bar.
The bar is empty except for a group of blonde women in the far corner chanting. "23 weeks, 23 weeks, 23 weeks"

The guy asks the barman for a beer and also asks what's all that about in the corner.

Barman says "I have no idea. They've been meeting here every af...

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A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

A guy goes to the doctor for a respiratory ailment...

...He says he's been coughing day and night for a week. His throat hurts all the time and he can't sleep.

The doctor examines him and notices he has a very distinct cough. "You're in luck," the doctor says. "Your illness is rare, but I happen to know of an excellent treatment for it. It may s...

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The Best Diagnostician

One day a man complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I am going to see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Why don’t you try the new computer system in the hospital. It’s proven to be able to diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than any doctor. It’s incredible! You simply insert a sample of...

Two friends are talking in a bar...

Their names are Fred and Michael. They've known each other for a while, 15 years roughly. So they feel pretty comfortable with each other talking about more...sensitive topics. On this occasion, Fred decided to ask Michael about his son as it was something that had been nagging him for a while but h...

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An original math feghoot.

There are enough people in the world now who require catheters for medical reasons for the devices to have become the targets of fetishes. At least some of these catheter fetishists are also practitioners of free love, and it's not unusual for them to get together with (relatively) large numbers of...

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

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A King's Offer

In a far away land, an old king had fallen ill and was resigned to the inevitability of death. However, by failing to bear a son, the king feared for the future of his kingdom. A daughter, was all that would remain of his line.

So, to resolve this issue, the king came up with an offer. One d...

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