UPJOKE
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Confirm Jokes

Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter.

Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 2020, it has been confirmed that the Earth is neither flat nor round.

It's fucked.

It's been confirmed that debris is from the Titan. Just when the jokes were beginning to subside

looks like they'll be resurfacing.
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Yesterday someone taught me what confirmation bias means.

Now I see it everywhere.
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Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...
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Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18 floor nightclub,

was not a bouncer.
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Stereotype confirmed

A popular ventriloquist was out on tour and one night he was performing in front of a sold-out crowd at a well-known club in New York City.
With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his signature blonde jokes, which always got a lot of laughs from his loyal fans.
Suddenly, a sexy yo...

Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!
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I have a theory that confirmation bias doesn't really exist

and I've found an obscure study that proves it.
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Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)

Patient: “doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far”


Doctor: “really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?”


Patient: “well that's the sun”


Doctor: “yep! so how much further do you want to see”
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A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in "Hey Dad"

He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.

The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado,...
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Ever since I first learned about confirmation bias

I've been seeing it everywhere.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

As a supplier for paramilitary troops, i can confirm...

Nobody has ever complained about their parachute not opening mid-flight.
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I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading
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How many tickles does it take to confirm your identity?

Just 2 test tickles.
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Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over

Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over
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Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July

And we even get it first!
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Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...
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Did you hear about the Russian soldier that had the most confirmed kills in Ukraine?

Turns out he was just a poorly trained medic!
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter sai...

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.
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Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...
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Enter password: ‘snowflake’

Confirm password: ‘snowflake’

Error, your passwords are not alike
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Scientists confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting Covid...

Apparently they're filled with anty-bodies
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I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...
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My suspicions about corruption among trawlers has been confirmed

I knew something smelt fishy
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Tatooine Air Traffic Controller: "Jedi 41, Tatooine Tower, confirm your current position you appear to be lost"

Captain Yoda: "Of course I am"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The toilet paper crises confirms

that we have far more assholes than we thought.

A young couple consults Jerry Springer to confirm the baby daddy is the real farther.

DNA results:

The good news is... you *are* the father.

The bad news is... you *are also* the uncle.
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Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...
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Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...
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A toilet has been confirmed stolen

Unfortunately, the police have nothing to go on
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor confirms I have Gloria Gaynor Syndrome

At first I was afraid; I was petrified...

Delivery confirmation

“Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?”

“Yes, I’d like to hear a TCP joke.”

“OK, I’ll tell you a TCP joke.”

“Yes, I will hear a TCP joke.”

“Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?”

“Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.”

“Ok, I am about to send the TCP joke. It ...
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Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept ...
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What's similar between the squareroot of -1 and the number of confirmed cases in China

They are both not real numbers
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A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.
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My friend told he's been diagnosed with HIV, and has to go for a retest to confirm the results.

I told him to stay positive.
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Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava.

Once
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I collected a lot of data trying to disprove confirmation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.
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A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...
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The first case for COVID-19 has been confirmed in Russia

The patients name is Ivor Chestikov
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How can you tell that confirmation bias is a joke?

It will never get any upvotes.
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Education nominee Betsy DeVos wins Senate confirmation vote

I kept seeing this in r/news, but I was sure it belonged here......
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A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient

"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.

"I didn't" said the doctor.

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.

"No, I did not" the doctor said.

"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you h...
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Home Covid Test.

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test aga...
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I just admitted to my wife that I have been confirmed COVID19 positive.

She said that this puts a real strain on our relationship.
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Scientists have finally been confirming Einstein's theory about space

It's about time too
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Jeb Bush Unanimously Confirmed by Senate

for Secretary of Low Energy.
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Did you hear they confirmed Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove box
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Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...
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Two guys were in an English pub.

They called the publican over to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints miss, and they are on ...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.

Dick gray, son!

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