UPJOKE
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Scientists have conducted blood tests on a frog to extract DNA and confirm its identity.

They have discovered that the frog was:-
30% Russian
30% French
20% Italian
10% Spanish
5% British
4% Dutch
And a tad Pole...!

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Stereotype confirmed

A popular ventriloquist was out on tour and one night he was performing in front of a sold-out crowd at a well-known club in New York City.
With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his signature blonde jokes, which always got a lot of laughs from his loyal fans.
Suddenly, a sexy yo...

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18 floor nightclub,

was not a bouncer.

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Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

Fun fact: It is confirmed that monks are allowed to use email.

Just as long as there are no attachments.

Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.

Apparently they’re filled with anty bodies.

EA confirms 2 of the characters from Apex are LGBT+. How does that affect the Gameplay?

They Can't shoot straight.

Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)

Patient: “doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far”


Doctor: “really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?”


Patient: “well that's the sun”


Doctor: “yep! so how much further do you want to see”

Yesterday I learned what confirmation bias meant.

Now I see it everywhere.

The poker game

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit...

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

Mother and daughter go to the doctor

After running some tests due to some non specific symptoms, the doctor tell them, “well looks like you are going to be a grandma, your daughter is pregnant ma’am”

The mother is infuriated, insults the doctor telling him that her daughter “knows no man” and leaves the office fuming.

The...

Home covid test

1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.

2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.

3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.

Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test aga...

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

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In 2020, it has been confirmed that the Earth is neither flat nor round.

It's fucked.

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A guy walks into a bar

A confirmed bachelor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I enjoy my life," he says to the bartender. "But sometimes I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be married." "I can help with that," the bartender replies. "Go find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you. Then buy her a hou...

Ever since I first learned about confirmation bias

I've been seeing it everywhere.

Psychiatrist asks two patients to act they're in a grocery store

he told them that if they do it well, he'll sign them off the hospital.

so the first asks for one gallon of potatoes

the second one bursts into laughter

the doctor was happy his patient is cured, but asks him for confirmation : "why are you laughing ?" ...

What is a Pie?

Since Pi = 3.14159

and e = 2.71828

so Pie = Pi x e

hence pie = 8.539721265



A friend and I were discussing Pie and I came up with this joke

I thought it was funny and she said it is the most pathetic joke she has ever heard

So Just looking for a con...

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

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A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

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How many medical professionals does it take to change alight bulb?

One nurse to check the temperature of the bulb. One GP to suspect the bulb is burnt out. One specialist to confirm the diagnosis. A surgeon and an anesthesiologist for this major organ transplant. A team of nurses and PAs to aid in the surgery. And a physical therapist to aid in the socket's recover...

A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in "Hey Dad"

He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.

The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado,...

Two guys were in an English pub.

They called the publican over to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints miss, and they are on ...

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Three of the smallest people on earth get into an argument…

about who is the smallest. The first guy says “I know for sure, I got the smallest hands of any man who ever lived.” The other two didn’t believe him. So, he went to the Guinness book of world records to get measured. Sure enough, the next day he shows up with a gold-seal certificate from Guinne...

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

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What could possibly wrong with Hitchhiking Nun

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".

And he sings this every five minutes.

At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil ha...

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West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.

Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

Bros Vs. Hoes. (credit to u/itshimstarwarrior)



*A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.*

**A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had...

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Where did you last have sex?

A man calls into a radio station contest to win two tickets to Hawaii. He gets through and the DJs tell him the rules. The DJs are going to ask him a question and then call his wife and ask her the same question. If their answers match then the couple win the tickets. The man acknowledges the rules ...

My suspicions about corruption among trawlers has been confirmed

I knew something smelt fishy

Tatooine Air Traffic Controller: "Jedi 41, Tatooine Tower, confirm your current position you appear to be lost"

Captain Yoda: "Of course I am"

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...

The 3 Eagles

There were 3 eagles chilling together, they were bored so they decided to challenge each other which of them can hunt the biggest prey.

So the 1st eagle flys away, half an hour later he is back with his beak stained in blood. The others ask what happened. And he says do you see that farmhous...

What's similar between the squareroot of -1 and the number of confirmed cases in China

They are both not real numbers

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A man dies and ends up in hell.

Satan greets him and tells him ''I will show you three doors. You will go trhough one of them and stay there for eternity''

The man nods and Satan opens the first door. There, he sees thousands of people, standing on their heads on hard wood. The man says ''That looks highly unconfortable, sh...

Crow deaths

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely ...

How many tickles does it take to confirm your identity?

Just 2 test tickles.

Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over

Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over

My friend told he's been diagnosed with HIV, and has to go for a retest to confirm the results.

I told him to stay positive.

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It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.

Dick gray, son!

As a supplier for paramilitary troops, i can confirm...

Nobody has ever complained about their parachute not opening mid-flight.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

A young couple consults Jerry Springer to confirm the baby daddy is the real farther.

DNA results:

The good news is... you *are* the father.

The bad news is... you *are also* the uncle.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Amazon Employee in Seattle Confirmed to have Coronavirus.

Prime customers expected to have it by Tomorrow if they order within the next 1 hr and 21 mins

A desperate zoo

The leading zoologist gets a phone call one day from a desperate zoo, asking him to come right away and they will pay double.

He gets to the zoo and talks to the head keeper who explains that unfortunately while they were moving the animals around it seems like one of the zebra’s has got preg...

Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July

And we even get it first!

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America just announced about an hour ago that we officially have the world's most confirmed COVID-19 cases.

\#1 AGAIN, bitches.

Stephen Fry once told this joke on "QI"

There is a story about the Bloomsbury Group writer Lytton Strachey who was a 'confirmed bachelor', as they used to put it. He was also a conscientious objector and a pacifist. He appeared before the conscientious objection board. It was their job to quiz him on whether he actually was a true pa...

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Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

Scientists have confirmed a new strain of bird flu going around

It's transmitted from crows and ravens to people. They've named it Corvid-19

I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOW EATING FOR TWO!!! after a doctor's visit yesterday he confirmed what we’ve been suspecting for weeks now.

she has a tapeworm.

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

So there's only one state with no confirmed coronavirus infections, do you know which one it is?

The state of denial

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove confirmation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

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An explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest...

(long but I don't believe I have seen this yet)

A rich explorer goes on an excursion into the Amazon rainforest. He has heard of all the wondrous wildlife there is to see, so he sets off with a guide and travels deep into forest. The deeper he goes, the more magical and strange the creatures...

I just admitted to my wife that I have been confirmed COVID19 positive.

She said that this puts a real strain on our relationship.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

The US Military today confirmed that two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

A ghost sits down at a restaurant table and orders a burger and a drink.

He confirms his order and the waiter asks him 'Do you want frights with that?'

A toilet has been confirmed stolen

Unfortunately, the police have nothing to go on

During a flight in a private jat, three millionaires are talking: an American, an Arab Sheik and a Brazilian.

At a certain
point in the travel, they wanted to know
where in the world they are. But the
American has an idea and says:
"I think we are in New York. Let me confirm"
So he opens his window (believe me, it was
a very modern airplane) and put his arm
out. "I was right. Just touch...

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The toilet paper crises confirms

that we have far more assholes than we thought.

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H*tler and Mussolini are sitting at a bar.

A guy walks into the bar and asks the barkeeper "Aren't those two H*tler and Mussolini?" Barkeeper confirms. The guy sits next to them and asks:

-What are you guys doing?

H*tler answers:

-We're planning WW3

-Oh really? What will happen?

-We will kill 15m Jews and ...

Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava.

Once

Scientists now think cats originated on Mars. NASA was set to retrieve a specimen confirming this,

...but curiosity killed it.

How can you tell that confirmation bias is a joke?

It will never get any upvotes.

This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear.

I'm just fat.

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Last night John Travolta was hospitalised for a suspected case of Covid-19

But his doctors have now confirmed it was only Saturday night fever and they assure everyone that he’s staying alive.

Apparently he had chills that were multiplying.

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

An American, a Dutchman and a Chinese guy

stranded on a deserted island after being shipwrecked. The American immediately takes charge and points to the Dutch: “You should take care of the wood to build a fire”. The Dutchman confirmes and disappears in the woods.

After that, he points to the Chinese: “you should take care of the supp...

Worried about his Supreme Court confirmation, Brett Kavanaugh decided to unwind by ordering a 16 year old whiskey.

She refused to drink it.

Education nominee Betsy DeVos wins Senate confirmation vote

I kept seeing this in r/news, but I was sure it belonged here......

Expert Marksman

Three snipers are out on the range, bragging about their skills.

“I can out-shoot either of you clowns. See that beer can out beyond the target?” The other two confirm. The first sniper lines up his shot, squeezes off a round and BOOM, can pops up in the air and lands 20 yards back.

...

Service call

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he sa...

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I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

I always suspected that my neighbors had weird traditions, and it was confirmed when I saw them donating their deceased

It was a dead giveaway

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A Nun, a Priest and a camel

So theres a nun and a priest walking through a vast desert with their camel. On the camel is their water and food plus all other belongings. They've been walking for a few days before suddenly the camel collapses. The priest checks its breathing and confirms it's dead. With too far to go and no way ...

Scientists have finally been confirming Einstein's theory about space

It's about time too

Did you hear they confirmed Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders in the glove box

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

Scientists say there are now 4 confirmed states of matter

Solid matter
Liquid matter
Gas matter
and most recently...
Black Lives matter

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