The 118+ Best Impress Jokes

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

Girls must buy $1000 purses just to impress other girls...

No guy has ever said " Bro, she was ugly...but that purse..."

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.

He’s ….a pickup artist.

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Best pick up line to impress the ladies

“Damn, are you a car alarm? Because you’re really fucking loud and annoying”

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"That's the manager." said the waiter.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.”

He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I am going to meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad is a policeman. She ask me to bring something to impress her dad.

So I brought in 2 suspects

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

How to impress women

A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why ...

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How do you impress a baker?

Bring them flours.

Happy cake day, ya filthy bastards

To impress my date I ordered my whole dinner in French.

Even the waiter was impressed because it was a Chinese restaurant.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

Sometimes, to impress girls, I use big words that I don't fully understand...

...in an effort to sound more photosynthesis.

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

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What do you call incels lying about their ability to play musical instruments to impress sexy e-girls?

A simp-phony

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The...

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

What do you call it when someone makes you an impressive and expensive feast without asking your permission first?

Pre-sumptuous.

Went to the proctologist today and he was impressed!

He gave me the thumbs up

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

me trying to impress my crush

me:
I heard you like bad guys only
.
.
.
well, I am bad....at everything.

*winks with both eyes*

If you want to impress a girl...

...try complimenting her. For instance, "Wow, you're a fast runner! You nearly got away!"

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

My dads best piece of advice growing up was "you only get one chance to make a good first impression"

I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser

Shoutout to all the women who are classy and don’t need to dress half naked to impress a man…

… the rest of you come with me

I was under the impression my wife could fix socks.

After multiple requests, however, she exclaimed, "I CAN'T DARN IT!"

I was trying to impress this girl...

She said: I like guys who are committed...

I said: I wanna commit suicide

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After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

So I tried Colgate for the first time.. was not impressed-

The tube said 'Guaranteed whiteness in 3 brushes". 3 brushes later, I'm still Asian.

(Speaking of still Asians, my grandma's a quadriplegic. She's a pretty still Asian)

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

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[Walking in park] Date: "Impress me" Me: "I can talk to animals" Date: "Prove it"

Me [to duck]: "Hello you fucking duck"

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A redditor walks in to bar...

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"

"It's been so long since I've had a good laugh", replies the redditor. "I'll give you $100 if you can tell me a joke I haven't heard before."

"That sounds easy enough", replies the bartender.

"I should warn you", the redditor says, "I b...

Trying to impress this cute animal rights activist girl I just met, so I told her I work with animals

I'm a butcher.

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This guy wants to get laid and is trying to figure out how to impress the woman he's with.

They walk past a shoe store and the woman says, "Wow. If you get me those shoes, I'll give you a hand job." So the guy sees a brick on the sidewalk, smashes the window and gets the shoes." A few minutes later, they pass a fur store and she says, "If you get me that mink stole, I'll blow you." So the...

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

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A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

Water boy wanted to impress his teammates so much

He wanted to make a splash.

Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmes’ diverse set of skills, as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting...

To which Sherlock replied, “Why, that’s a lemon tree, my dear Watson.”

I wasn't too impressed by Dr. Strange..

I've seen Stranger Things.

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...

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A man wants to impress a girl, so he asks his friend to help him make a legendary meal.

His friend agrees, and they get the candle-lit table all set up. The man brings his girl in, pulls out her chair, then takes his seat. The friend then sweeps out, and presents... a bowl full of chicken drumsticks and a couple of glasses of milk.

The man is shocked, and makes a quick excuse be...

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad

now she is my mom

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One night, Wonder Woman sent some nude pics but one failed to impress...

...she didn't turn on the flash...

I wanted to impress my Spanish wife's parents so I said the word mucho in conversation at dinner last night.

I think it worked. They said it meants a lot.

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

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Did you hear about the soldier that impressed his CO by making a bugle entirely out of scrap iron?

The CO liked it so much declared the next day Ferrous Bugler's Day Off.

"Clever Hans" was a horse that could count. But you know what's more impressive than a counting horse?

...a spelling bee.

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

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The king was in the mood of impressing his courtiers.

He said, "I was on my way through the jungle, just enjoying the scenary and the fresh air, but all of a sudden there was a lion blocking our way."

Engrossed, the courtiers were on the edge of their seat.
"I didn't want to kill the beast in front of my little girl, who was with me for the...

The estate agent led me through the impressive property.

"Do you think I could convert this bedroom into a second bathroom?" I asked.

"Of course!" he grinned. "I don't see why not."

"Excellent," I replied, pulling down my trousers, "you might want to look the other way."

When all's said and done it's been an impressive mpressive show from both Biden and Trump

Who would have thought two blokes in their 70s could maintain an election for this long?

When i try to impress a girl

I always say that i can last 18 billion nanoseconds...
Unless they know mathematics

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Please upvote, I told this girl I’m funny and I wanna impress her

She’s already seen my dick and thought it was hilarious

I have to say that scissors really impress me.

Absolutely cutting-edge technology.

If you want to impress a date, don't tell them you use AdBlock

I installed it the other day and now none of the hot singles even want to talk to me

A man walks into a gym and asks the receptionist: “what machine should I use to impress women?”

She responded swiftly (pointing outside the door) saying “The ATM machine, sir...”

I named my dog five miles to impress people

Me: Like today I walked five miles.

Guy: so why are u crying?

Me: Because today I ran over five miles.

I tried to impress a girl the other day by putting my foot down on the pedal

Turns out, she’d already seen a bin open like that before

Why is it so hard to impress oil connoisseurs?

They have refined tastes

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I have a friend who does the best ever seagull impression.

He can’t do the noise, he just nicks your chips and shits on your car.

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I'm really impressed by both Kim Kardashian and Caitlyn Jenner...

Both women got famous by making a dick disappear.

I thought I’d try and impress the postman today...

I thought I’d try and impress the postman today. I woke up in a great mood and I KNEW my parcel was being delivered today, so I thought I’d try and make the postman’s day a little better too. So I had breakfast, made myself a coffee and sat by the door waiting for him.

11am, he strolls up th...

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool!

But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

My girlfriend says my Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions is horrible.

That's when I got upset and right before I walked out of the room, I turned to her with his impression and said.
I'll be returning.

I’m impressed by my favorite writer’s use of conjunctions.

She has a very nice but.

I'm a farmer using different methods trying to impress a girl I like

But nothing seems to a tractor

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A man is getting married, and wants to impress his bride to be.

So he gets her name, Wendy, tattooed down the side of his shaft. He keeps it a surprise for the honeymoon as it heals and is quite impressed with the work. Although when he's flaccid all you can see is Wy, when he's hard there it is, in all its glory, in a beautiful font. The big day comes, and they...

My bud Erik introduced me to his beautiful Indian friend, Monica. Being a nerd all my life, I thought I'd impress her with my typing speed. I wrote 70 words in a minute, and she was still unimpressed

Erik told me it was not her type

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

David was invited to John’s house. He was impressed by how John kept calling his wife, “My Love” and “Darling” and “Sweetheart.”

When his wife stepped out of the room David said to John, “You guys are really still in love!”

John replied, “No. I just forgot her name.”

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My sexy date said she'd be impressed if I did something funny to the local farmer's vehicle.

I did whatever I could to a tractor.

Bird Impression

A traveling sideshow puts up a help wanted ad. A guy gets all excited and applies.

The sideshow owner brings him in for an interview and asks, "Ok, what's your talent? What can you do for me?"

The guy says "I do a really great bird impression!"

The owner responds, "Pff, no thank...

Here I thought 3.5” would never impress a girl

but then I whipped out my credit card.

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A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met...

A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met. One day he plucked up the nerve to ask one of them, "So how come all you philosophy majors are so smart?"

"Oh, that's no mystery," the philosophy major answered. "We've al...

Billy Bob was impressed with Al's first week as a farm hand..

It was Friday and Billy Bob told Al we are partying tonight!

Billy Bob: There's gonna be a lot of fightin!

Al: I love me a rumble!

Billy Bob: there's gonna be some boozing!

Al: I love me some whiskey!

Billy Bob: There's gonna be some F$&king!

Al: I'm lo...

You guys want to hear my Trump impression?

I never said I had a Trump impression.

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

Me trying to impress my girl with big words

Darling, you look absolutely... bovine

TIL dolphins are so smart that if you put them in a library, they would impress a great many people

However, this kills them

My buddy stuffed socks down his pants to impress women, but it didn’t work.

I need to tell him to move it to the front of the pants the next time around.

A chemist tried to impress his beautiful lab assistant...

He began my mixing two chemicals previously uncombined in hopes it would produce a strong aphrodisiac. Upon smelling the fumes, the assistant instantly vomited onto the chemist’s face.

That was not the reaction he was hoping for.

I stuck a potato down my pants to impress the ladies...

But it just scared them away. I guess I should have stuck it down the front.

I've been trying to learn Spanish to impress my Latino friends

They call me a Duogringo

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this Yob.

Three men were challenged to an art contest, they each had a piece of paper and a pencil, the theme was a TV screen, however, one of the men did nothing with his paper, when the judge saw it, he was dissapointed at first, but after he explained his idea to the judge, he was impressed and he won...

...Because it was Paperview!

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I'd been looking for an opportunity to impress my new boss, so I jumped at the chance when he asked if I'd had a good weekend.

"It was very productive," I said. "I taught our Bobby how to ride a bike."

"That's great," he smiled. "How old is he?"

"Ten years old," I replied.

"Oh, well that's not actually impressive at all," he sneered, walking off.

Fucker. They must have smarter dogs where he comes...

Dave wants to impress his new date.

She loves dancing, so he blurted out going to this new club, forgetting he can’t dance at all. He goes to the bookstore and finds the first thing he can read. He studies for two days, learning all the movements and positions.

The night goes as planned, and he is pretty confident with how he ...

The Doctor was impressed with my health and presented me with a trophy

I just don't remember whether it was atrophy or dystrophy.

The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.

At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said "I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there." "Don't be silly," said the wicketkeeper. "You'll never hit her at 200 hundred yards."

My 6 year old sone impressed me today. He asked me "What is the brownist number?"

What is the brownist number?

Number 2.

He has tried for months to come up with something original. Usually, they just don't make sense, or just aren't funny. This was the first time he had an original I cracked up at.

My wife kept telling me to stop doing a flamingo impression...

In the end I had to put my foot down

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

I wanted to impress a girl

I wanted to impress a girl who hates road signs...

So I pulled out all the stops.

An old guy tells his friend, "Hey Lou. I just bought a new brand of hearing aids. $15,000! But they're worth it!" Lou's impressed and asks, "What kind is it?"

The old guy says, "A quarter past three."

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Impressing a date.

After weeks of trying everything he could think of accountant Frank Lester finally got the beautiful new secretary, Amanda, to agree to go out on a date with him. In an effort to impress the young woman Frank spared no expense: he hired a driver, wore his best suit, and managed to get reservations a...

Why is the rear of a ship so hard to impress?

Cause they only give stern looks of disapproval.

My boss said he'd give me a bonus if I did an impression of a frog.

I jumped at the opportunity.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

Batman Impression

Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression."

"Go on then" the second one says.

"OK, here we go..." the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!"

The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN"

"Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."

What did the squirrel do to try and impress his date?

He went out on a limb.

The Netherlands VS Greece (First impression )

So I moved to Netherlands some years ago and I'd like to share with you my experiences. Feel free to give me feedback in what you think.

So when I first grounded here, first think I did, I googled a super market and went to buy some cigarettes ( DO NOT SMOKE HERE, IT COSTS LIKE 10 EUR...

Have you seen my impression of a tin opener?

It's uncanny.

A boy learns some woodworking skills on Reddit. He wants to impress his dad with his new skills so he builds him a gate for his yard with beautiful fenceposts. The dad says son, this is great but...

There used to be a gate in this exact spot, so this is just a repost.

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

My Bill Cosby impression isn’t that entertaining.

It puts everyone to sleep.

First impression (NSFW)?

A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they're having a good time. So, they decide to head over to his place. As he is about to open the door, she takes a step back and looks at him.

"What are you doing looking at me like that?"

"Oh, I can tell a lot about how a man makes love by how he open...

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

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