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What do you call a person who proof read Hitler's speeches?

A grammar Nazi

SO said the new grandkids were coming to visit for the first time! I spent three days child-proofing the house..

They still got in.

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I recently found proof that the Boogeyman is gay.

He comes out of the closet.

I have a driver's license but it's at home, I accidentally left it with my license plate and proof of insurance.

....I don't get it either but when I told it to the cop he laughed and said that's funny.

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat

Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the la...

It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof.

It's impeccable.

Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

Your taste buds change every month. Want proof? Follow these steps.

1. Take a piece of bread or a fruit of your choice.

2. Take a bite of said food.

3. Wait a month.

4. Take another bite of that *same* piece of food.

If all goes correctly, you should have tasted something different.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

I have proof that God is a woman

God's held a grudge for 6000 years.

Against me. For something a naked woman did.

That I've never even met.

What's an absolutely fail-proof way to make a Redditor curious?

[removed]

Trumps wall is fool-proof...

Take china for example, they've had a wall for 2000 years and still no mexicans.

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

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I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

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I have proof Jesus was a black man...

He loved Gospel, he called everyone 'Brother', and he couldn't get a fair trial.

Did y’all hear how they cracked the Cosby case?

The proof was in the pudding

I have proof that God is black

Everyone refers to him as “father”, but no one’s ever seen him

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

Flat Earthers keep telling me I don't have proof the Earth is round because I've never seen it with my own eyes.

I get a bit confused, because I've definitely seen your mom before.

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...


Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

When I found out my watch wasn’t water-proof

I was shocked.

I like proof by induction...

...as much as the next guy.

I just finished baby-proofing my house...

Let’s just see one of them try to get in now!

My bullet proof vest is...

Going ballistic

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Trump is a closet communist, and I have proof.

When he says he likes to grab them by the pussy, he's really saying he wants to seize the means of reproduction.

how many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, they'll just sit there and talk about how it's gonna blind them and how there no proof that light bulbs provide light

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A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day.
The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.”
The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?”
...

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A guy walks into a bar

He is drinking, minding his own business, when he sees a huge jar with a bunch of cash in it behind the bar. He asks the bartender, what's that all about? Bartender says, oh that's for anyone that can complete 3 things that are hard to do. The guy is now pretty drunk, feeling bold, and asks what the...

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

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Religion is...

An excuse to piss on other people's beliefs you know nothing about while thinking your own weirdo beliefs are absolute truth without any sort of proof.

Good thing I'm an atheist so I'm above all that.

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The invention of the Penis is proof God exists...

And the size of mine proves that, so does the Devil.

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

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I child proofed my house yesterday.

How the fuck do they keep coming back in?

Hey you want more proof that Donald Trump is a bad gambler?

Well just this Tuesday he lost the House!

A liberal and a conservative enter a bar. They sit down and each one orders a beer. After a while, they start to talk about immigration policy.

They start to argue if the USA needs immigrants or not.


After a few hours when it looks like both used all arguments they could find to sustain their position, the liberal says:


“You know, Trump is the living proof that America needs immigrants.”


“How so?” responds t...

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Both of them.

A guy visits his friends house and finds his friend tired and hungover. His friend asks him to bring his slippers from upstairs. When he goes upstairs he sees two escorts his friend called for the night and tells them that the guy told him to bang both of them. The girls reply “are you sure ?, that...

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Do you know what I said to the baker who told me he had a cock made of bread?

Proof it.

What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea

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I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

Nothing says I have total faith in God

than the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll ma...

My sister asked me to help her baby proof her house.

I told her, 'I helped you burglar proof the place last year, that should be enough to keep the babies out, too.'

Too soon maybe, but today's event are proof that men do everything better than women...

Active shooter couldn't even kill anyone but herself

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A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

There's three important things you need to do when posting number jokes.

1. Know how to count

*Edit* 2. Proof read

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Irishman looks over to the bar and sees, who he thinks, is Jesus.

The Irishman gets the attention of the other two.
"Look, lads. It's Jesus!"

Skeptical, the two guys laughingly ask him to go go and ask the man at the bar if he is, in fact, Jesus.

Brazenly, the Irishman ...

What happened to all the proof about Russia rigging the elections?

(removed)

Proof that Donald Trump is a racist

Tomorrow he is going to throw a black family out of their house.

Math

In juvenile hall the judge asked me how my grades were doing and I told him 50%. He said "50%? That's failing." I said "No that's 100 proof." So he sent me back.

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Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

What is proof that Santa is a man?

No woman would ever wear the same outfit every year.

Mathematicians, physicists, and engineers have determined all odds are primes...

The mathematician says, "Excluding 1, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime... proof by induction, all odds are prime"

The physicist says, "Excluding 1, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is experimental error, 11 is prime... all odds are prime"

The engineer says, "1 is is prime, 3 is...

A police officer walks into an interrogation room.

"It's over, buddy," he says smugly, throwing down a stack of papers. "We've got you on a double homicide."

"Double?! What are you talking about?" the perp across from him stutters.

"Don't even try to act innocent. We've got video proof. You gunned down two women! Cher and Johnny Depp'...

Proof of God

Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space

Reddit's being run by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

Women on dating sites are so confusing!

They ask for a "genuine guy" then block you when you send.........proof

I have proof that the FBI has no sense of humor

[REDACTED]

Three Nuns

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling".
One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. H...

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It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...

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A old man and a young man play golf

The young man sees an old man hug an incredibly attractive 24 year old blonde. The woman leaves in a sport car peeling out of the facility wildly while leaving the old man with his golf gear. The old man walks towards the course smiling and seems to be settling up to start his game. The young man wa...

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

Trump being elected is proof that we never developed time travel.

Today I know why we never developed time travel.

I spent this past weekend baby-proofing my house...

I'm not having a baby, but I hung up a bunch of anime posters to make sure that I never do.

The President of Earth wants proof that he's real...

And he won't believe the scientists and the psycologists until he sees his own face. Of course they tell him "look in a mirror!" but he says "not good enough. I want more."

So many years pass, and the Pres manages to go about business like he doesn't mind, but as soon as he hears about how s...

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Proof that men are logical:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myse...

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

A fool proof way to never feel lonely.

If you're ever feeling lonely, watch a horror movie. You won't feel alone anymore.

Jell-o has officially cut all ties with Bill Cosby.

They said the proof was in the pudding.

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

Two Fleas meet on a beach in florida

Two fleas are laying on a beach in florida

The first flea who is sunning himself looks to the 2nd and asks

Flea 1- "why are you shivering so bad ?"

Flea 2- "I hitched a ride down here on the mustache of a man who rode a motorcycle and it almost froze me to death"

Flea...

A climate scientist and a climate-change denier walk into a bar

The climate-change denier goes to the bartender and asks for the strongest drink in the house.

The bartender takes out a bottle and says, "This is Absinthe, about 75% alcohol. Can I sell you a glass?"

The climate-change denier gets all upset and leaves the bar in a huff. The climate sc...

Damn Carnies

A redditor is at a carnival when he walks up to the fortune tellers tent. Inside sits an old gypsie lady infront of her crystal ball and tarot cards. Not wanting to be scammed first he tries to haggle the price down. When she won't budge he asks for some proof she can tell the future and he will com...

I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!!

Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

I tried baby proofing my home..

But they keep getting in

Not proof-reading ruins lives

A husband wrote the following to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

You want proof that Donald Trump's a schemer?

He's got little fingers.

I hate proof reading.

I like to think that whatever I wrote the first time around is already perefct.

How do you find an inconvenient proof?

With an Al-Gore-rithm

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

Reddit wanted proof that I work as a mailman, but I just got fired

Sorry guys, I can't deliver.

The election of Donald Trump is proof that we live in a computer simulation

We found a bug!

We finally have definitive proof that Osama bin Laden is dead.

He just registered to vote in Chicago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My English teacher is living proof that Grammar Nazis still exist.

Sorry... Alt-Write.

Donald Trump is a proof

that internet comments can turn into a human and run for a president

I got bit by my dog last night so I had to dog-proof my bedroom.

My wife no longer sleeps with me.

Men are better at everything.

Proof?

Bruce Jenner won the "Woman of the Year" award.

I fermented a bible and tried to make liquor, but to my frustration , it's non-alcoholic

Turns out it has 0 proof

Proof That Men Have Better Friends

A woman fails to come home one night. When she gets home the next morning she tells her husband she stayed at a friend’s house. The husband calls ten of her best friends and none of them know anything about it.

A man fails to come home one night. When he gets home the next morning he tells hi...

What is a great way to baby-proof a house?

Condoms

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