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Proof Jokes

There's a full proof way to prevent suicide

Push them, then it's homicide

Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the law...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

Everybody gets mad when I say Jesus was white, but I have proof.

If my understanding of transubstantiation is correct, Jesus is a cracker.

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

What do you call a bullet proof Irish man?

Rick O'Shea.

I have a chicken proof lawn.

It's impeckable.

Proof that blondes are not, in fact, dumb.

There was a huge convention where all the guests were blonde. It was decided to prove once and for all that blondes are not really dumb.

They got the smartest blonde in the room up on stage. The announcer asks "What is 100 divided by 10?" The blonde thinks for a moment and says, "Is it s...

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have proof Jesus was a black man...

He loved Gospel, he called everyone 'Brother', and he couldn't get a fair trial.

What is the best proof we have that the world is not flat?

If it were, cats would have knocked everything off the edge by now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

I have proof that God is black

Everyone refers to him as “father”, but no one’s ever seen him

Do numbers exist? A proof by contradiction.

Step 1) Assume numbers don't exist

....

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Support your answer with a proof

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

Proof of God

Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space

So, I found proof of the Second Coming of Jesus on a ancient piece of fabric….

Now I gotta wash my hands, and take a cold shower.

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover is that math text books have pictures of kids having fun on the front.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

Tacos are imaginary -- a mathematical proof

tan = sin / cos (definition of tangent)

ta = i / co (cancel n and s)

taco = i (multiply both sides by co)

What's an absolutely fail-proof way to make a Redditor curious?

[removed]

Proof that war is great for the economy

Right before the invasion of Ukraine, I had a mere $25 in my back account. Just a week later I’m a billionaire.

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

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Proof that a cockroach has ears in its legs

If you scream at it, it runs away

If you take off its legs then scream at it, it wont run

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...

I WAS SHOCKED!

Proof that Donald Trump is a racist

Tomorrow he is going to throw a black family out of their house.

Historians found hard proof that Jesus could walk over water

They call it ice

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A proof that jew are sexist

In the Hebrew Bible, there is many references to Samson, but never to his sister, Samdaughter

Proof required.

A man shopping in a supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of
dog food to the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have
a dog?"


"Yes." the man replied.

"Well, where is it?" asked the cashier.

"I left him home." he answered.

"Sorry," the cashie...

Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone.

Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.

Trumps wall is fool-proof...

Take china for example, they've had a wall for 2000 years and still no mexicans.

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Proof that men are logical:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myse...

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why was Jack's constant tardiness proof that he is a wanker?

"Hey Jack, U late!" (groan)

You can child proof a house all you want

But they always find a way back in

Proof we don't really trust anyone:

"Are you sitting on the remote?"

"No"

"..stand up so I can see"

We child-proofed our homes

But they are still getting in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

Not proof-reading ruins lives

A husband wrote the following to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

The proof is in the pudding.

So THAT'S why Cosby was pushing it so hard!!

I like proof by induction...

...as much as the next guy.

Boris Johnson is the proof

That the coronavirus can jump from humans to politicians

Smoking pot

Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.



She said if I did she was going to leave me.



That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!

Proof that girls are evil.

Girls = time * money

But time is money therefore

Girls = money* money

Therefore

Girls = money^2

But money is the root of all evil

Girlfriends = (√evil)^2

The roots cancel out, therefore

Girls = evil

I have proof that the FBI has no sense of humor

[REDACTED]

You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?

Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I’m talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y’alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I’m talking wet enough to dr...

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...


Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort! child proofing my house.

but the kids still get in!

No one in Billy's math class thought he would master proofs

He proved them wrong

I just finished baby-proofing my house...

Let’s just see one of them try to get in now!

100% rock-solid proof that Trump laundered Russian mob money through the Trump Organization:

\[removed by Federal government\]

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Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

I hate proof reading.

I like to think that whatever I wrote the first time around is already perefct.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I child proofed my house yesterday.

How the fuck do they keep coming back in?

Did you hear that Rudy Giuliani has proof of fake ballots and fraud? He says he found a whole stack of 'em.

Yeah, and he's going to be turning them in soon. He just finished printing them, and is waiting for the ink to dry.

Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that

two wrongs don’t make a right?

A fool proof way to never feel lonely.

If you're ever feeling lonely, watch a horror movie. You won't feel alone anymore.

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Our smart devices are spying on us, and I have proof!

I used my smart camera to take a dick pic, and within an hour the algorithm started sending me targeted ads for army helmets and bean bag chairs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump is a closet communist, and I have proof.

When he says he likes to grab them by the pussy, he's really saying he wants to seize the means of reproduction.

I have proof that God is a woman

God's held a grudge for 6000 years.

Against me. For something a naked woman did.

That I've never even met.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I recently spent some time child proofing the house.

But the little fuckers keep getting back in.

I spent this past weekend baby-proofing my house...

I'm not having a baby, but I hung up a bunch of anime posters to make sure that I never do.

Your taste buds change every month. Want proof? Follow these steps.

1. Take a piece of bread or a fruit of your choice.

2. Take a bite of said food.

3. Wait a month.

4. Take another bite of that *same* piece of food.

If all goes correctly, you should have tasted something different.

What is proof that Santa is a man?

No woman would ever wear the same outfit every year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who proof read Hitler's speeches?

A grammar Nazi

Reddit's being overrun by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

Donald Trump is a proof

that internet comments can turn into a human and run for a president

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boobs

The ultimate proof men can focus on two things at once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The invention of the Penis is proof God exists...

And the size of mine proves that, so does the Devil.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proof

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed...

Trump being elected is proof that we never developed time travel.

Today I know why we never developed time travel.

We did Proof by Induction today at school

I got up to leave very shortly after the teacher had set all the questions. He told me to sit back down as there was no way I could have finished that fast. So I explained to him,

"I did question 1, then assumed I could do question 2. All the other questions are the same but with different nu...

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.

The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...

One day later, she bro...

The President of Earth wants proof that he's real...

And he won't believe the scientists and the psycologists until he sees his own face. Of course they tell him "look in a mirror!" but he says "not good enough. I want more."

So many years pass, and the Pres manages to go about business like he doesn't mind, but as soon as he hears about how s...

A guy came to three guys and told them he is God. They demanded a proof.

Guy claiming to be God: “I can make you turn into whatever you want without you even saying it”

First guy turns to a soccer player, and the street turns to a soccer field with lots of players. Then suddenly he is badly injured by the third guy.

They are suddenly dropped back to the s...

Hey you want more proof that Donald Trump is a bad gambler?

Well just this Tuesday he lost the House!

Why do we know that really strong alcohol excists?

They have a lot of proof

Proof that Men Have Better Friends

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The nex...

My sister asked me to help her baby proof her house.

I told her, 'I helped you burglar proof the place last year, that should be enough to keep the babies out, too.'

I just finished baby-proofing my condo.

I seriously doubt any of them are making it past the barbed wire and claymores.

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

what did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“which craft?”

What happened to all the proof about Russia rigging the elections?

(removed)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proof-reading is vital - for example, you may accidentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse."

When in reality, all you did was sit and watch.

A nail company wants to expand their business...

The firm, a long-established family company called Wilson's Nails, has seen their revenue declining in recent years and decides to try an ad campaign to boost sales. They contact a highly regarded Madison Avenue ad agency to produce an ad for them; After a few weeks, the agency sits the owners and s...

What is a great way to baby-proof a house?

Condoms

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