Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.

I've chicken proofed my lawn

It's impeccable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A proof that jew are sexist

In the Hebrew Bible, there is many references to Samson, but never to his sister, Samdaughter

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

I spent a lot of time, money, and effort! child proofing my house.

but the kids still get in!

12 fool-proof steps to take when falling down the stairs:

Step 1: miss it

Step 5: hits your face

Step 7: breaks your arm

Step 12: has your teeth all over it

You can child proof a house all you want

But they always find a way back in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

What do you call a bullet proof Irish man?

Rick O'Shea.

Did you hear that Rudy Giuliani has proof of fake ballots and fraud? He says he found a whole stack of 'em.

Yeah, and he's going to be turning them in soon. He just finished printing them, and is waiting for the ink to dry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

your faith was strong but you needed proof

you saw Nietzsche bathing on the roof

his philosophy and logic overthrew ya

Reddit's being overrun by an evil cabal of hyper-intelligent cow-people, and I have proof!

[remoooved]

You know what would make your bad day even worse?

Finding out your toaster is water-proof.

100% rock-solid proof that Trump laundered Russian mob money through the Trump Organization:

\[removed by Federal government\]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse has been stolen from old farmer Sven, so Sherlock Holmes was called to the scene to investigate the crime.

The horse was black with white big spots on it according to farmer Sven. Holmes searched for clues together with his trustworthy friend and assistant, Dr. Watson, and found a vague trail of horse cloves and a persons shoes going away towards a strangers stable.

Holmes knocks on the door to t...

A physicist, a chemist and an activist stay at a hotel (OC)

And suddenly, it starts burning in the hotel. The physicist grabs the nearest fire extinguisher and extinguishes the fire from the bottom. The chemist, knowing that fire needs oxygen to burn, grabs the nearest fire-proof blanket and covers the fire with it. The activist sees the fire and starts yell...

A math student invented a new method of making liquor, using electromagnetics to distill alcohol.

Proof by induction.

You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?

Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I’m talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y’alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I’m talking wet enough to dr...

My friend went to California last year, he saw 2 people arguing. A European and an American, they were arguing about whether Americans were stupid or not, the European then said "You're proof that Americans are stupid" and the American responded:

I'm not even American, I'm Californian!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Speed demon Grandma

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually join...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is the Virgin Mary similar to a Virgin Bloody Mary?

They both have zero proof!

Proof we don't really trust anyone:

"Are you sitting on the remote?"

"No"

"..stand up so I can see"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the cashier: "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."

So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food.

The next day, she comes in and tries to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof.
So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food...

One day later, she bro...

A lion stands upon his rock and lets out a large roar

Immediately, every animal goes up to the lion and crowds around him.

"I have heard rumors from one of you," begins the lion. "I have heard rumors that one of you is trying to take the throne from me, the king of the savannah. As king, I suggest I have a fight with anyone who wants to take i...

Why do people wear bullet proof vests when they use the computer?

They don't wanna get hit by a screenshot.

A guy came to three guys and told them he is God. They demanded a proof.

Guy claiming to be God: “I can make you turn into whatever you want without you even saying it”

First guy turns to a soccer player, and the street turns to a soccer field with lots of players. Then suddenly he is badly injured by the third guy.

They are suddenly dropped back to the s...

The proof is in the pudding.

So THAT'S why Cosby was pushing it so hard!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have just retired.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our smart devices are spying on us, and I have proof!

I used my smart camera to take a dick pic, and within an hour the algorithm started sending me targeted ads for army helmets and bean bag chairs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proof-reading is vital - for example, you may accidentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse."

When in reality, all you did was sit and watch.

What's the difference between God and alcohol?

Proof.

We child-proofed our homes

But they are still getting in

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

I have proof that God is black

Everyone refers to him as “father”, but no one’s ever seen him

Why can’t you prosecute unleavened bread?

Because there’s no proof

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have proof Jesus was a black man...

He loved Gospel, he called everyone 'Brother', and he couldn't get a fair trial.

Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that

two wrongs don’t make a right?

Boris Johnson is the proof

That the coronavirus can jump from humans to politicians

What's an absolutely fail-proof way to make a Redditor curious?

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I recently spent some time child proofing the house.

But the little fuckers keep getting back in.

Trumps wall is fool-proof...

Take china for example, they've had a wall for 2000 years and still no mexicans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who proof read Hitler's speeches?

A grammar Nazi

Your taste buds change every month. Want proof? Follow these steps.

1. Take a piece of bread or a fruit of your choice.

2. Take a bite of said food.

3. Wait a month.

4. Take another bite of that *same* piece of food.

If all goes correctly, you should have tasted something different.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

I have a driver's license but it's at home, I accidentally left it with my license plate and proof of insurance.

....I don't get it either but when I told it to the cop he laughed and said that's funny.

[My wife translated his joke for me from arabic]

A woman's husband had to go to a hospital in Sweden for his advanced sickness and the woman goes to her friend for comfort. She says to her friend, "I know he is sick, but he has been so sweet...he's been asking for pictures of me everyday". The friend then says, "that's surprising because I heard ...

Why is it when people demand proof of God’s existence. You have to have faith, is an acceptable religious defense?

But when people demand proof that God told me to kill those kids. You have to have faith, isn’t an acceptable legal defense?

I’m sick of double standards.

Ruff Policy

My dog, Case, swallowed my proof of car insurance. It's really no big deal though. My insurance is just in Case.

I like proof by induction...

...as much as the next guy.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks ...

Proof that reality is a simulation...

The developers accidentally gave Totinos a randomized heat resistance stat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

I just finished baby-proofing my house...

Let’s just see one of them try to get in now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump is a closet communist, and I have proof.

When he says he likes to grab them by the pussy, he's really saying he wants to seize the means of reproduction.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

If Donald trump knew the Democrats we're going to rig the election months ago and still couldn't stop them

Does that make their plan fool proof?

Proof that Donald Trump is a racist

Tomorrow he is going to throw a black family out of their house.

I have proof that God is a woman

God's held a grudge for 6000 years.

Against me. For something a naked woman did.

That I've never even met.

Proof that girls are evil.

Girls = time * money

But time is money therefore

Girls = money* money

Therefore

Girls = money^2

But money is the root of all evil

Girlfriends = (√evil)^2

The roots cancel out, therefore

Girls = evil

When I found out my watch wasn’t water-proof

I was shocked.

Proof of God

Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space

When I found out my toaster wasn't water proof...

I WAS SHOCKED!

Hey you want more proof that Donald Trump is a bad gambler?

Well just this Tuesday he lost the House!

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me ₹ 50000 and he won’t pay up.

'What should I do?’

‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer.

‘Nope,’ replied the man.

‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the ₹1,00000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer.

‘But it’s only ₹50000,’ replied the man.

‘Precisely. That’s what ...

I had an axe that once belonged to Abraham Lincoln...

The head was replaced once and the handle twice but I got documented proof it belong to Abraham Lincoln.

True Evil - Mathematical Proof

We have all heard the saying that Time is money.

We also know that Girls take time and money.

There is also a saying that Money is the root of all evil.

Thus if my math is correct...


Time = Money

Girls = Time x money = Money^2

Money =√Evil

Thus by...

Flat Earthers keep telling me I don't have proof the Earth is round because I've never seen it with my own eyes.

I get a bit confused, because I've definitely seen your mom before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son, 9 years old told me these jokes on different days and I wrote them all down as he told them.

What did the the dancer say when he found proof:

he found evi-dance

What did the lazy person buy at the store?

A Nap-kin

What is a goldfishes favorite story?

Goldilocks

What did the musician say when he was safe?

I’m safe and SOUND.

What do bu...

I have proof that the FBI has no sense of humor

[REDACTED]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The invention of the Penis is proof God exists...

And the size of mine proves that, so does the Devil.

Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene

Proof once and for all that he's unstable

Too soon maybe, but today's event are proof that men do everything better than women...

Active shooter couldn't even kill anyone but herself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a guy with a miro penis(nsfw)

There was a guy with a penis so small, he was so dejected whenever he saw it. He went to a lot of doctors in order to get a larger penis,but in vain. After enquiring a lot, he came to know that there was a sage who lived upon a mountain who helped in increasing penis sizes.


He agreed to g...

Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proof that men are logical:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myse...

What happened to all the proof about Russia rigging the elections?

(removed)

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

What is proof that Santa is a man?

No woman would ever wear the same outfit every year.

I spent this past weekend baby-proofing my house...

I'm not having a baby, but I hung up a bunch of anime posters to make sure that I never do.

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

My sister asked me to help her baby proof her house.

I told her, 'I helped you burglar proof the place last year, that should be enough to keep the babies out, too.'

Not proof-reading ruins lives

A husband wrote the following to his wife: "I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

Trump being elected is proof that we never developed time travel.

Today I know why we never developed time travel.

My wife is speeding and lying about it to me...

I can't find any tickets as proof but her friends tell me almost every day that she is getting nailed by 2 cops.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He takes a sip, then spits it out. "I paid for vodka, but this is water! Gimme my money back or I'll sue you!"

"How?" the barkeep chuckles. "You have zero proof."

Found this, i think you might enjoy, source in comments

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may c...

The President of Earth wants proof that he's real...

And he won't believe the scientists and the psycologists until he sees his own face. Of course they tell him "look in a mirror!" but he says "not good enough. I want more."

So many years pass, and the Pres manages to go about business like he doesn't mind, but as soon as he hears about how s...

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

A fool proof way to never feel lonely.

If you're ever feeling lonely, watch a horror movie. You won't feel alone anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

Three college graduates—one in Math, one in Engineering, and one in Economics—sit for a job interview.

The question they’re all asked is “What’s 2+2?”

The Math graduate goes to the whiteboard, fills it with a proof, and concludes that, “A solution exists.”

The Engineering graduate consults his addition tables, writes some calculations down, graphs his results, and says, “3. But we’ll ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...

Why do people believe in election fraud?

Christians are known to believe in something without proof.

I hate proof reading.

I like to think that whatever I wrote the first time around is already perefct.

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