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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

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A general store owner needs some help in sales

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid" The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?" again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, and asks w...

Mice

A family of mice were out walking, and were suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted BOW-WOW-WOW!!! at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.

The small mice were very impressed. “That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that...

I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.

I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

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A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers

He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing.
He turn and ...

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Bravery

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

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Today in sex Ed class the teacher used a banana to demonstrate how to put on a condom.

It was disturbing to see a grown man put a banana peel on his dick

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

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How does the Autocorrect of an Alabama man word it when the man wants to demonstrate his happiness about something?

Fucking Niece

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

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A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

The travelling salesman [Long]

A travelling salesman knocked on a lady's door. When she opened the door and saw all the boxes the man was carting around, she said, "Whatever it is you're selling, I don't want it. I'm broke."

"Ma'am, what I have with me is the greatest vacuum cleaner in the world. I would love to demonstrat...

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A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street.

He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish." The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka." When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her. It was the be...

The teacher asks everyone in the class to demonstrate something exciting.

When Little Johnny's turn came, he walked to the blackboard and drew a small dot.

"What's that?" the teacher asked, puzzled. "It's a period." – "Well, I see that, but what's exciting about a period?" –

"Darned if I know, but this morning my sister said she missed one… Dad had a heart...

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A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: ...

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A man buys a heavily discounted parrot from a pet store. As he's walking down the street, the parrot squawks obscenities at passersby.

Eventually, the man runs into the priest of his church.

"Good afternoon my son," said the priest. "And who might your feathered friend be?"

"FUCK YOU!" squawks the parrot.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I fully intend to break him of this obscene habit. I'll even teach him...

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

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American Samurai

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a blind American. So he interviewed all three.

The emp...

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

NSFW During a Linguistics lecture today, the teacher demonstrated how nouns can be turned into verbs;

for example "a brush is used to brush some one". My teacher gazed around the class, asking us for another example.

In retrospect, I don't think she liked the word "fist".

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough, use an ashtray.

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

What scientific principle is demonstrated when cookies fall out of the cupboard?

Fig Newton's law.

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Pedro was sexually a very experienced man...

Pedro was sexually a very experienced man when he got married to Maria, but she was totally naive.

On their wedding night, when Pedro removed his clothes, Maria asked, "Pedro! What is that?"

Pedro, a quick thinker, said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these."
...

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Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

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A young lady approaches a priest

A young lady approaches a priest and asks him, "Father, what are the Church's views on fellatio?" The priest was confused for a second and replied, "I'd love to tell you, but unfortunately, I do not know what fellatio is." The lady demonstrates and the priest is slightly taken aback.


A f...

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A man is sitting alone at home, when suddenly there’s a knock at his door ...

Standing at the door is a door to door salesman.

Man: Whatever you’re selling, I’m not interested.

Salesman: But what I’m selling is very interesting. I’m a purveyor of luxury prosthetics. Allow me to demonstrate.

And he raises the right leg of his pants. His leg is solid gold!...

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There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years, with peculiar experiments on spiders.

After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was finished and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The m...

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Check this one out (I half made this up)

A boy in middle school is having his first sex ed class and he's learning about safe sex. The teachers says he's going to demonstrate how to put on a condom using a banana. The boy learns a lot, so when he goes home he tells him mom what he learned. His mom responds:

"He put a banana peel on ...

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

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Three hookers were sitting at a bar.

The first one said: "I can get three fingers up my fanny." And proceedes to demonstrate this to the other two. The second one laughed and said " That's nothing. I can get a whole fist up mine." And she duly obliged to show the other two.

The third one slid down the barstool.

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A boy walks into a pharmacy to buy a condom

He's never done this before, so he's quite nervous. There's a beautiful young girl at the counter, and she brings him a packet. Seeing how nervous he is, she asks him, "Do you know how to use one of these?"

The boy shakes his head, and she slips one onto her thumb to demonstrate, telling him ...

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Spotted Snakes

I read this a long time ago.

A Captain takes over a command during WW2 in the middle of the Pacific.

As he is looking through the reports, he finds morale in the basement, a few desertions, and the base is rampant with STD's.

He calls his top Sergeant in for an explanation. The...

A new employee on his first day working at Walmart.

A new employee is being trained on the first day of his job. His supervisor explains to him how to do his job.

“The trick is to lead customers to products based on what they want. Let me demonstrate.”

A customer approaches and explains that he needs something for his garden, and the tr...

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A 3rd grade teacher...

Prepares her 9 year olds for a writing class.

Teacher: “class we will be learning how to write without lifting your pencil off the paper!”

Little Johnny: “I know how to do that!”

Teacher: “You know how to write without lifting off the page!”

Little Johnny : “Yes ma’am t...

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A woman from the Women's Institutes goes to her Doctor...

A woman from the Women's Institute goes to her Doctor with an embarrasing problem, every time she delivers a speech to the women of the WI she farts constantly all the way through.

The Doctor says, "I would like you to demonstrate your problem for me by reading aloud your latest speech to me ...

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The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

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A man is in his flat watching TV.

He suddenly hears someone is knocking the door. The man goes to the door, opens and sees another man that starts speaking very fast : hello sir, you are a winner of an awesome vacuum cleaner. You have won it in a lottery and all you have to do to claim this prize is to pay 299... Then the first man ...

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Tom, Dick, and Harry were in a bar

Talking through the late hours of the night into the morning. A little after midnight they got into an argument over the difference between irritation, anger, and frustration. Finally Tom bets the other two $50 that he can demonstrate that with just three phone calls. So they take the bet. They all ...

John goes fishing on a lake in America where it's usually illegal to go fishing.

He just filled up the bucket when he suddenly gets approached by a police officer.

"Mr. John, it's illegal to fish here" said the police officer "I'm going to have to fine you".

"You don't understand" said John "These are my fish."

The police officer is puzzled by this.

...

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

Old German Classic: Trump, Putin and Merkel go to the swimming pool.

"...but the pool is empty!" Trump said.
"Worry not," said Putin in his fabulous russian accent. "It is a wish pool. Whatever you yell when jumping from tower will be in pool. I demonstrate."
He gets on the tower and jumps, yelling "Vodkaaaa!"
And voilà, he splashes into a pool full of the b...

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

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Trump want to know the secret of Angela Merkels success when visiting her in Germany

she tells him: well it's pretty easy, You just have to gather a lot of smart people around yourself.

"How do you know so fast if they are intelligent" Trump asks.

Merkel: " let me demonstrate it"

She grabs the telephone calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question: " Mr. Sch...

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Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor

of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job. A Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny...

Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.

"You must first demonstrate your commitment to t...

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While visiting England, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen...

... He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.


"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."


She phones Sadiq Khan and s...

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a guy gets pulled over at the end of a bridge for speeding

The police officer walks up to his car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver, rudely says "No officer - but I'm sure you're aware, so why don't you enlighten both of us?"

The police officer, recognizing the driver's attitude, attempts to take him down a notch. "Wh...

3 explorers went exploring in the Amazon where they got captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibal tribe informed them that they were all going to be eaten, and their skin used for canoes, but he let them choose how they were to die.

“I’d like to be shot in the head. Quick and painless” the first explorer said. He was shot, skinned, and eaten.

“I’d like t...

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A man takes up Kung Fu, and ascends high to a mountain temple to train...

On his first day he tours the grounds with his master to witness the many fighting styles. Along the way he sees a warrior with no arms, and he asks his master "How can that man learn kung fu with no arms?"

"Don't you see?" Says the master. "Without arms he need learn no punches. Therefore hi...

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A guy and his dog walk into a bar, they order two whiskey, cheer and both drink it.

The waitress looks stunned and asks if there are other tricks his dog can do. The man answers ''Yes, he's very good at oral sex. The woman blushes and asks ''Really, can I try it?'' The man answers ''Sure'' and sends the dog and woman in a private room, the woman lies there naked and the dog looks a...

A tragedy in the Mystic town

The Mystic town is populated by the human powers, who oddly look like big canisters with labels on them, and is divided into two parts by a huge road. One side of the road is for "General Powers", where guys like Strength, Speed and Agility live. The other one is "Other's" half, where Karma, Qi, Wil...

Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise encountered an unknown alien craft

However, they proved to be friendly, and soon a dialog was reached. After discussing quite a few differences in culture, they came to reproduction.

One of the aliens said "Let me demonstrate" and a small swelling appeared on his arm. After a couple of minutes, the swelling became the form o...

The soldier.

Little Johnny became a soldier. He got a big knife, an AR 15 and a few hand grenades. He felt pretty good as he had also gotten pretty strong so he decided to go show off to his grandpa.

He gets there and sees his grandpa so he goes:

-Hi grandpa. Look at me, I became a soldier!
...

What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students?

I’m only going to demonstrate this once, so look closely

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A carpenter and a professor run into each other...

Two old friends, a carpenter and a professor, run into each other. They chitchat a bit and they starting to talk about work.

Professor: "So, what are you working with nowadays?".

Carpenter: "I'm a carpenter. And you?"

Professor: "I'm a professor.

Carpenter: "In what fi...

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It's the first day of school, and the teacher announces to the class that they will learn to speak like grownups this year.

To demonstrate, she asks the kids what they did this summer. The first child says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a train ride."
The second child says "I went on a tug-tug boat ride."
"No," the teacher says, "you went on a boat ride."
The third ...

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Son goes to dad to tell him he learned to get an errection whistling.

"Dad, dad. Look!" He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
"Very good, my son. Just like your dad. Look." He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
Uncle sees that and approves. Then, demonstrates. He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
Grand...

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.
I nailed it.

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