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I went to see my Urologist... [NSFW]

Who happens to be a gorgeous blond with great tits and a winning personality.

She comes into the room looking over my chart and begins to tell me that I need to stop masturbating.

I give her a puzzled look and ask her why.

She looks at me and says, I’m trying to examine you.

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A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

LPT: Don't let a doctor examine you without clothes on

Make him put his clothes on

Three blind elephants examine a human being

Three blind elephants came upon a human being for the first time. They gathered close and felt the strange creature with their snouts.

The first blind elephant said, "A human being is thin and stands on its hind legs."

The second said, "A human being is flat and mushy."

T...

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if you thoroughly examine someones butthole, is it called...

...analyzation?

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An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant...

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The other day I went to the doctors office.

The doctor said to me, "You've got to stop masturbating." I replied, "What? Why?" The doctor answered, "So I can examine you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blond woman has been stopped by police becouse of speeding..

Cop approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"

Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"

and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink drivi...

My doctor wouldn't examine me when I said I was having hearing problems...

He just said it was ear relevant

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A little girl is strolling through the garden with her father. She stoops down to examine a spiderweb.

"Daddy, what's that?"

"It's a spider, dear. A daddy-long-legs."

"So if this one is a daddy, does that mean that it marries a mommy-long-legs?"

Amused, he responds "No honey, they only marry another daddy-long-legs."

She stands and pauses to think for a moment. Suddenly ...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

I asked Nurse Joy if she could examine me.

She said "I'll take a Pikachu."

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A man goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him and finds out he has five penises.

The doctor says, "That's amazing! How do your pants fit?"

The man says, "Like a glove."

poor dog...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".

So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.

"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet...

"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"

"No," says the vet, "bec...

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NSFW while in china an American is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the states, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
<...

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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

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Three guys die and go to Heaven...

When they go to approach the pearly gates suddenly Satan pops out and tells them, "Sorry Heaven is full! If you want to get in you gotta give me a question I can't answer correctly and I will let you in!"
The first guy steps forward. "I was a philosopher in my life and I can garuntee you don't k...

Three contractors bid on a fence in front of the White House

hree contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC:
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third, is from
Florida . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

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Another stutterer

A guy with a terrible stutter goes to the doctor. Doctor examines him, and says, "I'm afraid the problem is your large penis. It requires such an enormous blood supply, not enough blood is reaching the speech center in your brain."

"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.

"We c...

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Men will be men

While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my two wheeler and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulle...

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"

&#x200B;

The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my...

An old, tired looking dog

wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour...

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An old redneck goes to the doctor

He's been feeling unwell since a while, and moonshine doesn't help.
The doc examines him, then gives him a prescription for suppositories.
"Have 3 of those a day, and come back next week to see how it goes! " he says.
A week later, the old redneck comes back and complains he feels eve...

The big picture on the box

A blonde called her boyfriend over the telephone. 

Blonde: " Baby, I can't get my new jigsaw puzzle complete, all the edges could not fit together." 
Boyfriend: " What does the puzzle supposed to look like?" 
Blonde: " The big picture on the box shows a big rooster. "
Boyfriend: "Oka...

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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...

The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.

"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
<...

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A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says : Mr Smith you have to stop masturbating. The man asks : why doctor ?

Because I’m trying to examine you.

Joke is from the late, great, Robin Williams.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in: "Sir, I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." Patient: "l don't understand, doc. Why?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to examine
you."

A man goes to the doctor, complaining of hemorrhoids.

The doctor examines him, writes him a prescription for suppositories, and tells him to come back in a week for a follow-up. When the man returns, he's quite upset.

"Doctor, my hemorrhoids havent gotten any better! Not to mention, those suppositories taste terrible!" he complains.

T...

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little prob...

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An elderly man, feeling ill, goes to the doctor with his wife.

The doctor examines him, then asks to speak to the wife alone.

"What is it, Doctor?"
"I'm sorry to say, your husband is terribly ill and only has a few months to live."
"Is there anything we can do?" the wife asks in desperation.
The doctor thinks, then says "Well... there is ...

A woman is out playing golf, when she is stung by a bee.

Started to not feel well, she heads to the emergency room. A doctor comes in to examine her.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Woman: I was, playing golf when I was stung by a bee.
Doctor: Where exactly did it sting you?
Woman: In between the 1st and 2nd hole.
Doctor: My god l...

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

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A Physical at the Doctor

A man is at the Dr. getting a physical and she tells him to take off his pants to examine him.

Dr: OMG, what is wrong with your knees!?
Patient: Kneasles.
Dr: Don't you mean measles?
Patient: No it's kneasles, disease of the knees.
Dr: ummm ok, well take off your socks so I can ex...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is being examined by his doctor

The doctor starts looking very concerned.
The man asks, "Doctor, what's wrong?"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry to tell you this sir, but you can no longer masturbate."
The man with a tear in his eye asks, "Doctor, why?"
The doctor replies, "Because, I'm trying to examine you."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump, Saudi King & Putin find a Lamp on a golf course.

During a world leaders meeting President Trump, The Saudi King and Vladimir Putin take time out to go for a stroll to examine the resorts golf course and settle their differences.

Whilst over the green on the 1st hole President Trump and Putin get into a heated argument. The Saudi King takes ...

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A Scientist, Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.

(Of course, the idiot was driving)

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist ...

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my ass."

*The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.*

The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?"

The doctor replies: "Yes, I'm sorry to tell you that it's just the tip of the iceberg."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

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A team of doctors wanted to conduct a research.

A team of doctors wanted to examine the health effects of long time consumption of sweets, liquor and smoking on people who never ate sweets, consumed liquor or smoked previously.

Three people decided to volunteer in the research. One of them was taken to a room full with sweets and was locke...

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Smurfette has her first period

Disclaimer: I don't know all of the Smurfs' names in English, please excuse any inaccuracies. Also on mobile, hope the formatting turns out ok.

Smurfette was doing her thing one day, when her body decided she was a woman now and her first period came along. Not knowing what the hell was happe...

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

An elderly, hard of hearing woman goes to the doctor.

After his questions, the doctor proceeds to examine her.

He says - Mrs. Walker. Big breaths.....

She chuckles - Oh thanks, but you should have seen them when I was young.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two mathematicians are having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about what the unwashed masses understand about math.

The first (and somewhat snotty) mathematician claims that the average American has trouble counting, much less doing complex math; the second (and rather down with the modern student, if he does say so himself) mathematician says people are generally smarter than they know, and you just have to enco...

A constipated man goes to the doctor

He is really hurting. The doctor examines him and says "I am giving you a prescription for suppositories. Take them twice a day. You should be fine."

&#x200B;

A week later the man returns to the doctor looking more grim than ever.

&#x200B;

"Doc," he says, "I still...

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A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.

After a few weeks he comes back t...

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So, I went the the doctor the other day for a check up. I said to my doctor, "Doc, my back has been KILLING me. No matter what I do, I just can't get rid of the pain. What can I do?" My doctor says, "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating," to which I replied, "Stop masturbating? Why?"

Doc: "So I can examine you!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One night while the husbands at the pub a wife gets to reading an article “is your vagina getting saggy”

After some thought she starts to worry so gets the idea to examine her nethers. After trying with a mirror from all angles she decides to put the mirror on the floor and squat over it to get a real good look.

To her surprise her husband comes into the room. All of a sudden he dashed across t...

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[NSFW] A ranch woman takes her 3 sons to the doctor

A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives. 

The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes...

A woman goes to the doctor with every complaint in the book...

The doctor examines her but finds nothing wrong. He takes out a note pad and writes down “Wine Eekkant”. “I recommend a drink and calm down,” says the doctor. She takes the paper and leaves all pouty.

On her way home she stops at the market. She searches and searches but can’t find this ...

Touring Stephen King's writing studio

Stephen King is showing a group of students around his writing studio, chaperoned by their aging English teacher. The students are clearly amazed with the items he has on display.

King leans over the desk to pick up a jar to show the children.

“I’m often asked,’ he says with words thi...

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A young woman is at a party where she meets an older gentleman.

The two get to talking and eventually the topic of age comes up. The older gentleman says, "Well, I'm 57, but don't tell me how old you are just yet! See, I have this special ability where I can tell when a woman was born by feeling her breasts." Amazed by the bold claim, the young woman dismisse...

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A Muslim immigrant.

A Muslim immigrant goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible" The doctor examines him and says "you need to piss and shit into a bucket for a week, throw some dead fish and a rotting cabbage in" Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for three days" The Muslim does this and goes back t...

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A businessman returns from the far east.

After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors.

They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off."

The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. S...

Man goes to doctor and says:”Everywhere on my body hurts! Am I dying?”

Doctor says:”Can you point to where it hurts and show me?”
Man points at head: “Ow! Points at shoulder:”Ow!” Points at knee:”Ow!” Points at belly:”Ow!”
Doctor examines him and says:”Nope you’re not dying, you just have a broken index finger.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man begins to suspect he has a tapeworm, so he goes to the doctor...

The doctor examines him and confirms that yes, he does have a tapeworm. "And it's a pretty wily one, too. Every time I try to yank it out, it just darts away. I'm gonna have to resort to more unorthodox methods..."

The man doesn't like the sound of that, but he's desperate to get rid of the p...

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A woman goes into the doctor and tells him she was masturbating a little too furiously, and her vibrator got stuck.

The doctor examines her and tells her, "Well, the bad news is, it's going to cost $1000 to remove it."

The woman says, "Well, how much does it cost just to change the batteries?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot come before the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks over the three of them and says, "Heaven's getting pretty full, so I can only let one of you in. The other two will have to go to hell." So he snaps his fingers and Satan appears.

Satan says, "Each of you can ask me one question. If you can stump me on the first try, you win, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American man catches an STD while traveling through Asia

After having quite the sexual romp he starts to notice discomfort and discoloration around his groin. Afraid for the loss of his manhood he seeks out an American doctor out there for help.

The doctor looks him over and says "I'm sorry, it's going to need to be removed, it's too far gone"
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting...

The vet's office

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man,...

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A doctor is examining his patient

Doc: How many times do you masturbate a day?

Man: Idk, ten?

Doc: Do you think you can cut down on that?

Man: Why?

Doc: Because I'm trying to examine you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a very strained, high-pitched voice goes to see the doctor.

(This is an old Buddy Hackett joke)

The man goes into the doctor's office and he says (in a very strained, high-pitched voice) "Doctor, is there anything you can do to fix my voice?"

The doctor examines him and says, "I've discovered the source of your problem. Most men have two test...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is getting his routine checkup.

The doctor is doing the usual, checking his ears, checking his nervous responses, going over his records, etc. Over time, the doctor looks increasingly grave. Eventually, he stops his examination, takes off his glasses, and says: "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man takes his wife to the doctor.

The doctor examines her and tells him that she's either got Alzheimer's or HIV, he can't tell. The man asks for advice on what to do, the doctor tells him "Drive her out into the country and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

gay prostate exam joke

a gay man goes in to get a prostate exam.

he is told to bend over when the doctor starts to examine his prostate.

the man says to the doctor:

"please take off your ring, it's hurting me"


the doctor says:

"That's not my ring. that's my rolex!"

A woman visited her doctor

Complaining about a personal problem: she had a habit of wetting the bed. The doctor said, “I’ll have to examine you to find the issue”

“Ok,” said the woman, “what do you need me to do?”

“I’m going to ask you to you shut the divider and undress,” the doctor replied.

The woman b...

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86 year old spinster

Old Spinster visit the doctor for the first time in years. During the check up the Doc need to examine her lungs. Puts a stethoscope under her blouse and tells her to say 99. Ninety-nine she says. Docs moves the stethoscope to her left breast and tells her to say 99. Ninety-nine she says. Right...

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you."

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls d...

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The bankers wager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After a lengthy discussions the president of the Bank asked ...

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A doctor is seeing a patient.

A doctor is giving a female patient a routine physical. At one point, he needs to examine the woman’s chest. He asks her to remove her top, and notices a large red “H” on her chest.
He asks her “What’s with the ‘H’ on your chest?” She responds by saying “My boyfriend was accepted into Harvard an...

Guy crosses the border on a bicycle with two bags over his shoulder

The guard stops him and asks:
"What's in the bags?"
"Nothing but sand sir"
So he examines the bags and indeed nothing but sand.
"Ok you're clear move on"
Two weeks later, same thing.
So this guy goes on for months, every two weeks same bags, same sand and they find nothing and i...

A dog goes into a telegraph office

A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form, and writes: “Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.”

The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog looks confused ...

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So, I had a doctors appointment yesterday.

I was sitting in the exam room in the paper gown when in walks the most gorgeous doctor I've ever seen. She picked up my chart and looked over it for a few minutes. Finally, she looked up and said, "Mr. Cow, you're going to have to stop masturbating." I said, "Why?!" She said, "Because I'm trying t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.

Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked th...

Old man goes to a doctor...

Old man, well into his eighties, goes to a doctor for a regular checkup.

The doctor examines him, makes several tests, looks at him and he can't believe what he sees. He says:

"Old man, this can't be true! You're old, but you're healthy as a teenager. No hypertension, no elevated sugar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman and baby are in the doctor's clinic

The doc is concerned about the baby's weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed?

The woman replies, "Breast fed."

The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ... "No wonder the baby is un...

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American and Japanese company have an annual rowing contest

with teams of 8. Both teams trained hard and were in top shape, but in the end the Japanese company won by over a mile.

After the loss, the moods were down on the American camp. The executives of the company decided that for publicity reasons they need to win the next years contest. They sta...

After 40 years a Rabbi retires... (long)

during his time, he performed many bris' (circumcisions) and saved the foreskins. As a retirement gift to himself he took the collected foreskins to a leather craftsman and asked him to make something with them.

The leatherman looked at the collection and thought for a bit, and said "sure, s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man has stomach problems and doctors can't figure out what's wrong.

A man was having recurring stomach pains and eventually said enough was enough and went to the doctor about it.

The doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with him and referred him to another doctor, who also couldn't find the problem and referred him to a stomach specialist.

The ...

A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry M...

A man plants 49 trees in his back yard

He tends to them every day and always takes the best care of them. They are his pride and joy! They all grow up pretty fast and very healthy as a result of this.

One day he wakes up and looks out his big window, as he does every morning, and notices that something is wrong. He hurries outsid...

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A married couple goes to the doctor

After the husband waits for several hours in the waiting room while the doctors examine his wife, now wondering whats taking so long, the doctor finally comes out to explain his findings to the husband. "I'm not sure whats wrong with your wife." says the doctor, to the husbands disbelief "But I have...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get...