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Priceless Jokes

Submarine ride to visit the wreck of the Titanic, $250,000.

Permanently join the wreck of the Titanic, priceless!

The priceless moments of my LIFE.

\~a shoplifter

That Priceless Look

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. ‘This is the 21st century,’ he said. ‘People don’t waste money on silly newspapers. Here, you can use my iPad, if you can figure it out.’

I tell you this, that damn fly never knew what hit it… and, the look on my son...

A man comes out of an antique shop with a priceless grandfather clock

As he is struggling to move the heavy object, a drunken man comes stumbling down the street. The drunken man bumps into the clock. The clock tips over, hits the ground, and breaks into pieces. The man who bought the clock says “Hey man! Why don’t you watch where the hell you’re walking!?” And the dr...

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Priceless

Cost of a candle-lit dinner for two: £80

Cost for theatre show tickets: £65

Cab fare home: £30

The look on his face when you tell him you're on your period: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's anal.

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Circumcised (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teach...

After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

A man inherits a priceless coin collection...

from his deceased grandfather. One day a friend of the grandfather sees the grandson and asks him about the collection.

"Oh that? None of those coins worked in the laundromat, so I swapped each one of them for a shiny new coin at the bank." The grandson replies.

"You did what?!" The ol...

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

A shopper at the supermarket went to a cashier to check out.

He was in a hurry, trying to rush the groceries through and pack his cart at the same time. Then, in his haste, he accidentally tripped on the cart and fell headfirst onto the cashier's barcode scanner. The look on his face was priceless.

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

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Two Ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: ; It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What ab...

A frog goes into a bank (long)

A frog walks into a bank and walks up to the teller. He says, “my name is Kermit Jagger and I’d like to take out a loan.” The teller says, “nice to meet you, I’m Patti, but I have to tell you, we don’t loan money to frogs.” Kermit says, “no it’s ok. I have collateral. Here is this priceless heirloom...

I gave a homeless man 100 dollars today..

..The amount of joy i felt when he put the gun away was priceless.

My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!

Box of condoms = $6.99

Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless

When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge...

the look on my face was priceless.

Wanna hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism

Credit: http://www.tickld.com/x/the-25-best-two-line-jokes-ever-14-is-priceless

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Rectum Stretcher

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over the limit), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?" I replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I responded,...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure cre...

Finally got to tell the kid he was adopted today!

The face he made as we made him pack his stuff and leave was priceless

Serena Williams was fined $17k

Verbal abuse of the umpire: $10,000

Being warned for coaching: $4,000

Breaking her racket: $3,000

Stealing the moment from Osaka by calling the umpire a thief: Priceless

A man was walking down a bright road when he came across an elderly women

He noticed she was searching for something, and that she appeared very distressed. He asked her, "Excuse me 'mam, do you need some help?" She replied " Oh yes please! I lost my necklace! It's a family heirloom and it's priceless!" He asked, "Okay well let's think back, where do you think you lost it...

Art Thief

An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.

He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"

The th...

My Dad actually said this is a Denver area Pizza Hut.

A group of maybe 6\-8 of us were finishing up our meal when a rather large woman \(our waitress\) came over and asked my dad if "we wanna box for our left over pizza?" Without skipping a beat, my dad looks her right in the eye and says "no, but I'll wrestle ya for it!". The look on her face was pric...

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A Chinese man, French man, Muslim and an Australian stand on the edge of a cliff

\[long\]



The Chinese man approaches the edge and says "My country is rich with money - so I will give some to the gods, for luck!"

And the throws several rolls of $100 notes off the cliff.



The French man, not wanting to be out done, steps forward. "In my country...

Elon Musk's new MasterCard Ad.

Getting a person to Mars?: $100,000.
Getting them back?: Priceless.

I know this guy, who's constantly gloating...

He inherited this ancient ming dynasty table from a dead relative and he wouldn't shut up about it. He didn't even seem to care that a family member had died. So one day I went over to his place to see this "amazing, priceless table" and when he went to the bathroom I sawed off all of it's legs. He ...

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Unshakable Fact # 3

Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - Fucking PRICELESS.

The next time you're in the supermarket

The next time you're in the supermarket stocking up on beer, frozen pizza & nachos pick up a box of diapers , some baby milk formula and a few jars of baby food.
When you get to the till, let the cashier ring it all in before announcing that you don't have enough money, can they please take t...

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Woman meets the Italian

One day, a woman has a date with a French guy at his hotel room, floor 10. The french guy makes the balcony in a romantic mood, wine, food so the woman can enjoy the time with him.

After some time, woman asks the french guy:

Woman: If I would be your girlfriend, how would you treat me?...

What to say while drunk!

A husband wakes up with a hangover. He opens his eyes n sees aspirins and water.

He sits down & sees his clothes all clean & pressed....

He takes the aspirin & finds a note "Honey, breakfast is on table, I left to buy groceries. Love you"

Totally shocked,

He g...

Once upon a time

...there was a Chieftain who presided over a community that lived in the steppe, where everything was grassland as far as the eye could see, and almost no trees grew. Because of its rarity, wood was prized, and this Chieftain happened to own a large, ornate chair made of wood that was his most price...

The Drunk Man

comes home at 3am completely wasted. Staggering into everything he knocks over the tv, breaks all of the china, and passes out on the floor. The next morning he wakes up tucked into bed, with a rose and an I love you note beside the bed. The man walks cautiously into the kitchen, where he smells ba...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

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Carnation Milk

65 Years Ago.

This is PRICELESS ............

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around
her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk,
with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery
stores...

The moral of the story...

A rich, eccentric man wanted to invest his money, and keep it safe.

He decided to invest in antique furniture, but not just any furniture. He would buy the best and fanciest chairs that could be found only in the finest castles of the world.

He wanted to be sure his collection...

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A young lady was working as a carer for an old rich man.

It was her first day on the job in his country mansion and when she walked in to the old mans room, he was looking at a photo album and seemed upset.

“What’s the matter?” She asked

“I’ve got no next of kin, so when I die, these are going to be left to no-one”, said the old man. ...

Saying the right thing, at the right time..

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had ...

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A group of friends decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide 'Bubba' at the airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.

Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt: "Now you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don't go shooting each other in the foot and don't shoot nothing till I tell ya its all right. Now listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dog...

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Saw an Iranian joke and I want to share my favorite.

An ensemble of musicians is auditioning for a caliph's court. After the ensemble is ushered in, they perform a beautiful set lasting approximately an hour, complete with long improvisations. The caliph is very pleased and says, "Servants! I order you to fill these men's music instruments with pricel...

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Voodoo Dick

This businessman is going away on a trip for 2 weeks, and he doesn't want his wife to get lonely and mess around while he's gone, so he stops by the adult outlet in town. He looks around and sees lots of dildos, sex dolls, vibrators and etc, but nothing that would keep his wife occupied for 3 weeks....

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A fast running sister.

I was in a USAF training school- one of about 30 students. The instructor had a habit of picking on one of the students, a guy named Sparks because he was very quiet. We sat in groups of 4-5 people at tables. Sparks did not sit at my table. I could tell it bothered Sparks so I went to him one day an...

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Lizards

Lizard Birth

If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!


I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinn...

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